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Sam rubbed his eyes, fighting off the heaviness, putting off sleep for just a bit longer.
Dean was gone. Dean was gone.
“Sam?”
He hadn’t even realized he’d closed his eyes again.
Pushing back from the table, Sam met Mary’s gaze. “I don’t know what to do now.”
He could see her pain, her grief. But she would never understand--she didn’t know. She had no idea.
“Talk to me,” she said, soft. “I’ve screwed up a few times, Sam, but please. Talk to me.”
What could he say? Jack had been sick and Dean was gone and they… there was…
“Will you come with me?”
-
Sam cut the engine and took a deep breath. “A few years ago, Bobby Singer, our Bobby, died from a gunshot wound. But, I pulled some strings. I got him back.”
“This is a junkyard, Sam,” she said, confused.
But the porch light flicked on and Sam smiled. Sort of. “I have a daughter. I don’t… didn’t want her to be raised on the road. And I always come here when I need a break from… So, Bobby… He agreed to watch her for me.”
Mary followed him to the porch and through the front door, but Sam didn’t say anything, just waited until a tiny body wearing a nightgown and frilly socks threw herself into his arms. “Papa, what’re you doing here?”
He forced himself not to hold too tight. He didn’t know if he’d be able to let her go. “Hi, baby. I just really needed to see my little girl.”
“Sam?” a voice called out from below. “Is that you?”
“Yeah, Bobby,” he called back, moving the child to settle on his hip, pushing her hair out of her face. “Elle, baby, I want you to meet somebody. This is my mom.”
She looked at Mary, cocking her head, and smiled. “Hi. Papa gave me pictures. You’re in a couple of ‘em.”
Bobby came up from the basement carrying a crate of books. He paused in the doorway. “Sam. Did you tell her?”
He wanted to say that he had, but Bobby didn’t know about Dean. Bobby needed to know about Dean.
Elle knew. She knew because she knew everything that managed to slip through his bond to her.
Psychics. He’d done this to her. His baby.
Her little fingers pinched his neck, pulling him out of his thoughts. “It’s okay,” she whispered. “You’re gonna get him back. You always do.”
“Get who back?”
“Michael has Dean,” he answered, voice hoarse. “Jack died but we got him back. Cas made a deal with the empty and I’m not supposed to know, but Jack didn’t like lying to me because–”
“I have a big brother!” Elle poked him. “I wanna meet him, Papa. If he’s your kid then that means he’s my brother, and that means–”
“I know, baby. And he’s gonna love you. Did you tell Bobby about–”
“Yeah. Don’t worry, I got it. See, I can help.”
“Sammy?”
He turned to look at Mary, feeling somewhere between lost and vengeful. He needed to find Dean because Dean didn’t know about Bobby. Didn’t know about Elle. “The demon blood did something to me. Changed me. I carried Elle for six months and gave birth to her in Bobby’s panic room. And… And I never told Dean. Because… he doesn’t remember that he… When he was a demon, something happened. He doesn’t remember. He’d never forgive himself if he knew. God, but…”
“Sammy?”
He could tell that she didn’t understand, but then Elle pinched his neck again. “Papa, you need sleep.”
Yeah, he really, really did. Jesus.
“Then go lay down, idjit. And take Ellen with you.”
Sam couldn’t fight the grin that he tossed Bobby’s way, headed toward the stairs with his baby in his arms. “We’re gonna be okay, Elle.”
“I know, Papa.”
God, her faith in him. It healed but it hurt just the same.
-
He could hear them talking when he woke up.
“...kid showed up on my doorstep a few months after he brought me back, pale and sweaty and shaking. Now, I still don’t know how he brought me or the little redhead girl back, but he did and I’m not asking. He showed up and he said Dean was a demon but that Sam and Cas’d cured him. He said that the demon Dean became had raped him before he could be cured, though, and that it was something Dean didn’t remember doing.”
“Dean–”
“Demon. He was a demon and Sam explained that he was staking his claim on Sam. It had been a few weeks by then, but Sam was a wreck. He told me he was pregnant.”
Elle was snoring in his ear, a perfect little angel, and he was wrapped around her finger.
Dean’s little girl, too.
“He never told Dean?”
“No. Thing is, the way those boys got brought up after you died--they lived out of each other’s pockets. And they love each other more than anybody I ever met. And they’d do anything for each other. Have died for each other a few times. And if Dean hadn’t been a demon, had been in his right mind, and come onto Sam, Sam woulda been willing. That’s just how they ended up being, after everything they’ve been through. But Dean wasn’t in his right mind, doesn’t remember it, and Sam feels guilty for lying. For leaving Elle here. But he can hear her thoughts, and she can hear his thoughts when she tries.”
“Dean raped Sam and Sam still loves him?”
“Like I said. Dean’d never hurt the kid unless he wasn’t Dean.”
Sam snorted. Thirty-five years old and everyone he knew still thought of him as a kid except for his own kids. He pushed himself up, feeling better than he had in a while. Sleep had helped, and maybe just a little of the familiarity of being in Bobby’s guest room after so long. And after he’d showered and changed clothes, Sam realized that he had no intention of leaving Bobby’s without Elle. “Hey, baby. Time to wake up.”
She rolled over, rubbing her eyes. “Papa?”
“Good morning, Elle.”
She smiled blearily at him, two front teeth missing. “Morning, Papa. So… I get to come with you?”
“You caught that, huh?”
She nodded.
“Yeah. I just… I don’t think I can handle being away from you right now. And I’ll sleep better if you’re closer to me.”
She pushed herself up, crawling off the bed to stumble into the bathroom. “Okay.”
-
Mary was quiet in the car.
“You can say something,” Sam offers. “I can understand if you’re freaked out that… that at least one of your sons is kind of gay for the other one.”
She snorted, sipping the gas station coffee in her hand. “No, Sam. I know there’s a lot about the past that you and Dean haven’t told me. But I’ve seen both of you and you’re good men. And I’m so, so proud of you. All I care about knowing is if you have forgiven Dean for what happened. Because, as you put it, he was a demon. But, it was still his soul, Sam. Just–”
“I know. But Dean would never, ever, in a million years, do something like that to me. Not like that.” He knew why Dean had done it, twisted as he was. Because Sam was his and nobody else’s, and after that guy had kidnapped Sam, he was angry. He felt the need to mark Sam as his. “It wasn’t harsh, or evil, or awful. It just… wasn’t consent. I don’t think Dean would ever want to go there, even if he thought it was an option.”
“Besides,” he finally added, glancing in the rearview at his little girl. “She’s more than worth it.”
Mary smiled at him. “If anybody’s going to save Dean from Michael, it’s going to be you, Sam. I know you’d move Heaven and Hell if you thought it would help.”
-
Sam was pretty sure he had several broken bones. Mostly, he just hoped that he was keeping his thoughts--his pain--locked up tight so that Elle wouldn’t feel it. God, he felt old.
“Come on, Sam. You don’t enjoy big brother’s fists pounding you into the pavement?”
“Dean,” he managed to grit out, although he was pretty sure he had a hole in his tongue. A busted lip, too. “Goddammit, kick him out, Dean. He doesn’t deserve you.”
Michael used Dean’s fists to beat Sam down again and again, but Sam wasn’t going to give up. Never mind Mary waiting patiently in the car, or Elle asleep on the backseat--focus, Sam.
“Dean, man, I need you back,” he got out. “I’m not going anywhere. Michael can beat me dead, okay? But there’s so much I gotta tell you. There’s so much you don’t know. I need you to come and yell at me for lying to you, D.”
He blacked out for a while but came to against the wall. Dean was leaning against the wall beside him.
“Are you... you?” Sam mumbled.
Dean’s head snapped toward him, eyes bloodshot and so fucking tired. “Sammy?”
“Still alive,” he answered. “Mom’s waiting in the car about four blocks away.”
“You said… that you lied.”
Sam nodded. “Issa long st’ry, Dean. A’ least take me home, first?”
God, he was tired.
-
He came to again in the backseat of the Impala, Elle watching him from across the seat. She smiled when she caught his gaze. “Almost there,” she mumbled.
Dean was silent in the driver’s seat, and Mary--Mom--was asleep in the passenger side.
The minute Dean pushed through from the garage with Sam’s arm draped over his shoulders, Cas was there to help support his weight, and to heal him the second he was in a chair.
Sam was glad that the other hunters were all out.
“Okay, Sammy. What was all that about back there?”
“Had to get through to you somehow, jerk,” Sam tried, but then Elle was launching herself into his lap, arms wound around his neck.
“Glad you’re okay, Papa,” she mumbled.
Dean went still at his side. “Sammy.”
“This is Elle,” Sam said, closing his eyes to hug her back. “She’s been staying in Sioux Falls since she was born, and I’ve been visiting her as often as possible so I didn’t drag her around the country. But, I guess I changed my mind.”
Elle giggled.
“She’s a little over five years old,” he continued.
“Was she staying with Jody?”
Sam sighed, putting her on her feet. “Cas, will you introduce Elle to Jack? She’s practically vibrating, she wants to meet him so bad.”
Cas offered his hand to her and Sam watched Mary follow them down the hallway before turning to Dean. Dean’s expression was closed off.
“I gave birth to her,” he said. “And she’s psychic, too. Not a lot, just with me. She can pick up on my thoughts. I can read all of hers. She never even complains about it.”
“Sammy, why didn’t you tell me?”
That was Dean’s hurt voice. He thought Sam didn’t want him to know.
“Because there’s more. There’s more, and I didn’t want to have to tell you this part. But I don’t want to lie to you, Dean. If something ever happens to me… You’ve gotta take care of her.”
“Sam–”
“Please listen. After Bobby died, I did something drastic. After I rescued his soul from hell, I brought him back. Elle’s been living with him.” He sighed. “I talked to Charlie, and she wanted to come back, too, later. She’s living in a condo in Seattle. But the other thing, the other secret… It’s about you. After Metatron killed you, and you became a demon… After that Cole guy kidnapped me and I dragged you out of Crowley’s ass, I… Something happened between us. Before I cured you. At that point, you were so far gone with rage and revenge and not enough of my blood to help you, something happened and… that’s where Elle came from. After I found out I was carrying her, I went to Bobby--our Bobby--and told him everything. I gave birth to her in the panic room.” Sam cleared his throat. “She’s your daughter, too, Dean,” he finally whispered. He wished he had the strength to look Dean in the eyes instead of at Dean’s hands white-knuckling the table.
“I bad-touched you, Sammy?”
The broken whisper was what did it.
Sam dropped his head. “I didn’t want you to feel guilty. Please don’t get upset.”
“Sammy, did I hurt you?”
“No. You technically made love to me, Dean. I just really don’t think you--real you, with your soul the way it is--would do that. So, I can’t think of it as consensual. Besides, an hour later, you almost brained me with a hammer.” He shook his head. “I’m not… clean, Dean. Haven't been since I was six months old. I don’t regret a thing. Because Elle? She’s a goddamn miracle in this fucked up world, and I love her. And I love you, jerk, so don’t do the stupid guilt-riddled drinking bender thing.”
“You think I don’t want you? I definitely don’t deserve you Sammy, but you’re mine anyway. Come on, we share a heaven. We’re soulmates, or whatever. Evenly matched. Made for each other. How else do I gotta say it?” Dean’s fingers brushed his knuckles, prompting Sam to meet his gaze. “And I do hate that I did that to you, Sammy. Raped you. God--it’s the worst--I can’t… But you gotta know that I’d never…”
“I know, Dean. That’s what I’m saying. You’d never ever force yourself on me, I know that. I didn’t imagine that you could--that the real you would be willing.” He got up, rubbing his eyes. Why was he so tired again?
“Sammy.” Dean got his hands on Sam’s shirt, pulling him close. “Sammy, you are my whole fucking world, okay? The real me is willing. If you can look me in the eyes and tell me that that is the only reason you’re really upset about what happened, then I promise you I won’t go on a guilt-ridden bender. Because you know I know when you’re lying.”
Sam cocked his head, looking Dean in the eyes. “That’s the only reason, D.”
Dean hauled him forward and kissed him.
-
“So, now you’ve gotta be my brother,” Elle finished when Sam got to Jack’s bedroom. He chuckled.
“Baby, you can’t force Jack to be your brother. You know and I know that Jack is my kid, but if he doesn’t want to be my kid, then–”
This time, instead of his arms full of Elle, his arms were full of Jack. It didn’t really feel all that different.
“Thank you, Sam,” he whispered.
Sam smiled. “Come on. Dean decided to actually cook an entire meal, and you know there’s no way I can eat that much.”
“Papa? Is he okay?”
Sam nodded, letting her in, just a little bit.
She grinned. “Okay.”
He followed the two of them to the kitchen, waiting in the doorway again when Elle threw herself at Dean's legs. Dean leaned down and picked her up, pushing her hair out of her face. Sam swore then that he'd never tell Dean how much he'd hurt him that night. It wasn't Dean's fault.
-
When Sam woke up a week later to find Dean sitting against the closed door, he knew he couldn't keep his secret, because it was obvious that Dean remembered.
Sam rubbed his eyes, sitting up, putting his feet on the floor. He'd left his t-shirt on the floor when he fell into bed, but he was glad he'd decided to keep his sweats on, instead of kicking them off.
Elle was asleep. She tried to sleep in a separate room on the first night, but now that he was around every day, she didn't like to be away from him. Sam didn't have any complaints about that.
“You got better at lying,” was what Dean chose to start with.
“No. You asked me if I could look you in the eyes and tell you that I was upset because I thought you didn't want it.”
“You said I didn't hurt you.” Dean's voice broke.
He flinched back when Sam got up, but Sam moved to sit beside him, cold concrete or no.
“Even as a demon, you hardly hurt me, Dean. I forgave you before it was even over. So…”
“How am I supposed to look at you and not see what I did to you? H-how am I supposed to look at her and not remember what I did?”
Sam pressed his shoulder into Dean's. “This is why I didn't want you to know. I don't want you to do this to yourself. Dean, you're my big brother. The only person who never gave up on me. Who stuck by me when I let the devil out. When I was addicted to demon blood. Who did your best to fix all of my mistakes despite the consequences. The only person who faced those consequences with a grin and a stupid one-liner. So you happened to be a demon the first time we… So it happened to involve some tools.”
“Torture instruments,” Dean choked out.
“Says you.”
“Says every book about torture in this bunker, Sammy.”
“Well, that doesn't matter. You're not a demon now. And, I'm not afraid of you. And I know you won’t hurt me.”
“But I did hurt you, Sammy.”
“No, Dean. It's not your face that haunts my dreams at night, it's your face that chases away the nightmares. Can you just listen to me? Hear what I'm saying?”
Dean watched him, a frown turning down his lips. “What you aren't saying.”
Sam nodded. “When I was in the cage, Lucifer gave me things I wanted. He gave me what I wanted and he ripped it away and he did things that I wish… god, I wish I didn't remember them. Sometimes he gave me you. He gave me you and then he took you away, and I had nothing again.”
“Sammy.”
“And sometimes, I feel like I'm still there. And everything I have is going to be ripped out from under me. And I can't lose you again.”
“Sammy, I raped you.”
“No, Dean.” Sam rubbed his eyes, leaning heavier against his brother. “Lucifer raped me. You… Did I beg you to stop? Did I pass out? Did I puke?”
“No.”
“I did in the cage. I did other things, too.”
“You never said–”
“What was I supposed to say?” Sam asked, dropping his hands. “We don't talk about stuff like that, and even if we did, I wouldn't have brought it up. But you think I'm hurting from what happened between us? I'm not.” He let his legs straighten out, watching Elle climb off the bed. Dean's eyes were closed, so he didn't notice her until she was climbing onto Sam's lap, dozing back off once he was holding her. Sam opened his mouth. Closed it again.
“Tell me, Sam.”
“I always wanted to be a father,” Sam offered quietly. “And there isn't one single person on the planet save for you that I would feel comfortable enough, safe enough, to have a family with. I never thought I would get this, Dean. Even thirteen years ago when I had it in my mind that I was going to marry Jessica, I knew that I wouldn't… I wasn't going to go through with it. Because I knew if you came through the door and asked me to come back, I would go.” Sam shook his head. “Even if I acted like I didn't want to.”
Dean leaned away, but then his arm was around Sam's shoulders and his heat began to seep into Sam's skin, reminding him that the floor was cold and it was late at night. “I'm sorry, Sammy.”
“I'm not.”
Dean snorted. “I know. I heard you. I just mean I'm sorry because that's not how I would've wanted our first time to go.”
Sam dropped his head onto his brother's shoulder. “We have time.”
A knock on the door made them both jump, and Cas mentioned something about one of Sam's phones ringing.
-
Elle waited until Sam was dressed to crawl back into his arms, but then Dean said “Elle?” and she grinned. Sam transferred her into Dean's hands and led them out of his bedroom, finding Cas and Jack and other -Bobby sitting around one of the tables.
Cas tossed Sam a phone.
Bobby had called. “Sam. I'm on my way to Lebanon. Little Ellen forgot her elephant and I'm tired of looking at it. Oh, and Charlie's riding with me. Apparently, I'm too old to read directions properly.”
Sam snorted and reached over to ruffle his little girl's hair. “You left mister blue in Sioux Falls.”
“Is he–”
“Yeah, don't worry. He's bringing it to you.”
“But it's January. What about–”
Sam smiled at her. “She's coming, too, baby. Don't worry. He's not going to miss her visit.”
“Hey Elle,” Jack interjected. “Have you ever seen Star Wars?”
She shook her head. “No, but Papa says you like it. Well. His memory says you like it.”
“I'm confused,” Cas interjected. As typical.
Sam combed his fingers through Elle's hair. “Ellen can hear some of my thoughts. Surface thoughts. And I can hear hers. Most of them, I think.”
“Does Elle have a mother?” Jack asked suddenly. Softly.
Sam shook his head. “No, she has another father. I won’t point fingers.”
The other four adults (if Jack could be considered an adult) seemed to stare at him. Dean, Sam could tell, was thoughtful. Jack, Cas, and other -Bobby were confused. “She has no mother?” Castiel leaned forward, blue eyes intense.
“No. Um. I carried her,” Sam answered after a moment, heat rushing to his cheeks. Dean touched his shoulder for a second, passing Elle into his arms, before grabbing Cas’s sleeve and dragging him out of the room, into the garage.
-
Sam was the only one awake by the time Bobby and Charlie came down. It was funny, really, that they’d decided to drive up in the middle of the night, but Sam had done the same several times, so he didn’t mention it.
“How are you, kid?” Bobby asked. “Any luck finding your brother?”
Sam shrugged. “Uh, yeah. Actually, I found him right after I left your place with Ellen.”
Bobby nodded, tossing a well-loved plush elephant at Sam’s face. “And?”
“And I’m sure he’d like to see you guys,” Sam offered. “I’m gonna go get him, okay?” He figured Charlie could show Bobby around if he needed anything and wandered off toward Dean’s bedroom.
Dean was reading their father’s journal, Elle asleep on his chest. She was awake the minute Sam entered the room though, and her movement pulled Dean out of his thoughts. She jumped up when Sam handed her the elephant.
“Where’d you get that?” Dean asked. His voice was thick, and Sam fought a smile.
“C’mon.”
Sam waited by the door while Dean pulled jeans on. It was worth it to hear Elle chattering about anything that came to mind, and even more so to see the involuntary emotions on Dean’s face whenever she called him ‘daddy’ like it was second nature (it was, Sam had told her everything he could about Dean and who he was to Elle. He made sure she was aware of the fact that others wouldn’t be so kind). She decided to walk between them on their way to the kitchen, humming quietly while she hugged the elephant to her chest.
“Charlie!” she cheered, running to hug the redhead.
“Hey, kiddo! You’re getting so big! Pretty soon, I won’t be able to pick you up!”
Dean made a strangled sound beside Sam. “Charlie?” He turned to Sam. “You said…, but I didn’t…”
“I know.” Sam shook his head. “We covered a lot.”
“Sam. Did you tell him?”
Sam rolled his eyes. “Yes, Bobby, I told him. I told him everything.”
“Everything, everything?” Charlie asked. Sam couldn’t tell if she was suspicious or sympathetic.
He nodded.
Elle had hugged Bobby and thanked him, but now she was back at Sam’s side. He lifted her when the thought crossed her mind, and then passed her to Dean when she decided he needed it.
Dean calmed the second he was focused on her, the tense line of his shoulders softening. Sam smiled to himself.
-
“Sammy?”
Sam rolled over, rubbing his eyes. Elle was asleep beside him, but Dean was standing in the doorway, hesitant. “What’re you doin’?”
“I, uh…”
“You know this is your room, right? That you practically manhandled me into bed?”
“Yeah, but that was because you hardly sleep when the others are hounding you. They know better than to try and come in here.”
“So what’re you waiting for? S’your bed, Dean.”
Dean huffed out a breath. “Sammy, do you… want me?”
Sam forced himself not to laugh, because while he felt the question was absurd, Dean needed him to be serious. He could do that for Dean. “Always want you, big brother,” he mumbled, rubbing his eyes again. “Always have, always will. Now c’mere. S’cold.”
Sam rolled onto his stomach when Dean went to the other side of the bed, sliding Elle into the middle so they wouldn’t knock her off. She murmured something incoherent and grabbed at Dean’s shirt once he’d settled. Sam watched his brother with one eye, content.
“Want you too, Sammy,” he finally answered.
“I know,” Sam told him, absently running fingers through Elle’s hair.
“Where’d you find that elephant? I thought I got rid of it.”
“Was in Bobby’s attic. He sent me up there to look around after I told him I was gonna have Elle, said he had some stuff from when we were little.”
Dean hummed, turning on his side to stare at Sam, eyes glassy but aware. “Sammy?”
“Uhhuh?”
“Y’know that I love you, right, little brother?”
Sam buried his face in his pillow to hide his grin. “Yeah, D. I know.”
“Look at me.”
After a moment to tame his expression, Sam turned to his brother. He didn’t remember ever seeing Dean’s face so open, relaxed. At least, not for a very long time.
“Tell me you know,” Dean pressed, resting a hand around the back of Sam’s neck.
“I know. I do.” Sam covered Dean’s hand with his own, tangling their fingers together. “Like you said, made for each other. This is where I belong.”
“Damn straight.”
Sam snorted. “Nothing about this is straight,” he teased, grinning when Dean leaned over to kiss the side of his mouth.
“Shut up.”
“Dean?”
“What?”
“Love you too.”
“Night bitch.”
Sam rolled his eyes, fighting another smile. “Night, jerk.”