Work Text:
January 7th
Dear diary, lmao as if
Um, so this is off to a great start. I just physically wrote out 'lmao'.
I don't understand why I'm meant to be doing these by hand. I can barely hold a pen for two minutes, because who uses pens? I have a keyboard, thanks very much. But apparently, it has to be a pen.
So anyway. To preserve this diary for future generations (because with my luck, this shit will be found five hundred years from now, long after I've withered and died), I'll introduce myself.
I'm Dan, I'm 23, I have depression, and my therapist is forcing me to keep a diary. I don't know why. She says I need to stop internalizing my feelings or something.
I could always just doodle in here instead.
………………………………
Who am I kidding though, the earth is not gonna last another 500 years, is it? We're all on the road to destruction.
Ok. I think I'm done for now.
-
January 18th
I forgot I was meant to be doing these, then my therapist asked me about them today, and… I didn’t have much to tell?
What do people even write in their diary? I had a diary when I was like, fourteen. I wrote down emo song lyrics and these long monologues about how much I hate myself. I guess I could keep doing that now, but it's meant to be therapeutic, not self-indulgent.
Anyway. What's new.
Work is busy as fuck. I thought people would leave us alone after Christmas, but nope. Everyone has to get their hands on the newest piece of overpriced fabric made by the corporate gods of fashion. Does that even make sense? But yeah, work is busy, and if not for the fact that I wouldn't survive under a bridge, I'd quit the job on the spot and live like a hermit. Or something.
No, I wouldn't. I'd miss pizza too much.
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January 25th
I need to stop forgetting about this stupid diary. Linda asks me about it every time I go in for therapy, and I have to say like 'oh, I just wrote down regular stuff.' It works until she asks what sort of stuff it was exactly.
Anyway…
I'm meant to be training some new guy, and he came in today. Like ten minutes later, he spilled his fucking Ribena on the new shirt delivery. The fuck. And guess who got yelled at? ME. Obviously.
He spent the entire shift apologising to me, but it's like - I don't care, mate. I was the one that had to listen to Thomas for an eternity, not you. Twat.
So yeah. Add Philip Lester to the endless list of reasons why my life is a fail.
I'm gonna ask Linda if I can stop writing in this yet.
-
February 3rd
Okay, Linda. You know what? If I'm "internalizing my feelings," I'm going to let them alllll out today. I have no one to talk to anyway, and I'm fucking pissed. And I know she meant stuff like, my childhood and whatever, but no. No, I need to talk about Phil Lester.
How can ANYBODY POSSIBLY BE SO CLUMSY????????
I'm meant to be keeping an eye on him, and this whole week, there wasn't a day when he didn't trip over something, drop something, destroy something or just fuck up in general. And I'm responsible for him, so I get scolded instead of him. What am I, his flipping mum? It's not my fault the guy can't even fold a shirt. I couldn't fold shirts when I started working here either, but I can now. I mean he can fold a shirt, but I keep showing him the way corporate wants the shirts to look like, and he just CAN'T. FIGURE. IT. OUT.
HOW HARD CAN IT BE?
The worst part of it is, I can't even be properly mad at him because he's sorry all the time. It's like he can predict that he will undoubtedly fuck up, so he is all nice to me and smiley, and he makes dumb jokes that make me cringe. Like yesterday, something about the sound barrier.
There's another thing he can't understand, what sound barrier means. I'm starting to wonder if he even listens when I try to explain things, because he does look at me, but then he goes and does the exact opposite thing. Maybe he's just tuning me out or whatever, but I'm so done cleaning up his mess all the time.
I have a day off tomorrow and I don't want to keep thinking about this shit, but I can't stop. Like today, he managed to break the flower vase we have at the counter. In front of a customer. How did he do that? It's been stood there since I started working. I went and cleaned it up, and when the customer left, Phil said like: 'Dan, I'm so sorry. Can I make it up to you?'
Yes, you bloody well can. BY NOT BREAKING MORE SHIT.
...I'm going to sleep.
-
February 10th
I had to stay late with Phil today because somehow, he managed to break the cash register and we weren't allowed to leave until someone came over to fix it. Had to be done for tomorrow, obviously. Thomas said the maintenance guy would come right after closing, but he didn't show up until like… two hours later. I don't get paid enough.
I was too tired to even get upset when Phil told me he broke the register. I actually started laughing, and he stared at me as if I went mad. Maybe I am going mad from exhaustion? idk. How did he even manage to break it? Life is one big mystery, isn't it?
Phil had the stupid idea that we should be cleaning or something while we wait, but I told him no way. I do enough cleaning with him around, since he keeps messing things up.
I started playing a game on my phone and he asked me if he could watch. I said yeah. I mean, I could hardly tell him to fuck off, right? He's the clumsiest person in the world, but he's way nicer than me. He never once got upset (so far lmao) when I snapped at him.
Apparently he likes a lot of the same games that I do. He said he has a Switch and invited me over to play. Of course I'm not going. I get enough of Phil at work.
I guess it was kind of nice of him though.
-
February 14th
It's a fucking miracle. Phil hasn't broken anything since the cash register incident. Think he got scared of Thomas or something.
It's Valentine's Day, so I thought work would be chill, but no. No, of course not. It was really busy today and I had to do double shifts. I was nearly falling asleep by the end of it.
Phil asked me if I wanted to go get some coffee to wake up a bit. I said no. Well actually, I lied to him and said I don't like coffee and it's… a bit awkward. I do like coffee. I'm drinking coffee right now.
I need to sleep.
-
February 18th
Phil talks. A lot. The morning wasn't busy today, and up until some older guy came in, Phil was telling me these weird stories from his childhood. He started telling me how he used to breed hamsters when he was a kid. I feel like that explains a lot.
I've been getting scheduled with Phil ever since he started working because I was training him. He got properly hired today, and tomorrow is the first shift when I won't have to clean up his mess. He's got the morning and I have the evening.
I guess he won't finish telling me about his hamster breeding thing. Fuck, the guy is weird. I should be glad I won't have to train him anymore.
We do work together on Friday. I accidentally checked his schedule instead of mine.
-
February 24th
I saw my therapist today. She was weirdly ecstatic that I've actually been using this stupid diary thing. I suppose I usually ignore her advice, so this is a change.
She kept asking me about Phil, because she had me summarise what I've been writing about, and apparently I mostly talked about Phil. Well guess what, Linda, that's because nothing exciting ever happens to me. Cleaning up and getting yelled at over my junior coworker is the most unusual thing to happen to me in weeks.
Phil isn't actually my junior. He's 3 years older. Have I mentioned that? I cba checking. He's a uni graduate, so much less of a flop than me, but he can't find a proper job either. He wants to be a writer. He's writing an actual book. What the hell. But until that book happens, he has to work in the crappiest clothing store in all of Britain. Life, right?
Shit, I'm writing about Phil again. It's Linda's fault.
-
March 1st
I gave in. I went over to Phil's to play some games.
I mean, the guy's asked me so many times, and I kind of ran out of excuses. He's not so bad once you get to know him. He's clumsy and weird, but he talks a lot so I never get bored. I just have no time to think when he keeps on telling me all these stories or asking me to tell him things too.
I actually ended up staying the night, because we were playing until like four in the morning. I beat him at Mario Kart over and over, and he never got upset. He must be used to it.
I slept on the sofa. My neck hurts a bit today.
Do I have to ask him over in return? I hope not, the place looks like hell.
-
March 10th
Team meeting today. Apparently Phil was the one to sell the most this past month. How? How did he even have the time between breaking shit, messing up deliveries and tripping in front of the customers?
I suppose his strategy is better than mine, though. He smiles a lot, and when he does he's got this like, pleasant look on his face. Or maybe it's his eyes? Like three different colours. And he's nowhere near as awkward as me. My strategy is just hiding behind the clothing racks and pretending I'm not there. It makes actually selling things kind of hard.
Phil broke a clothing rack the other day. He tripped and we both fell onto it, because we were walking together. But it was Phil's fault. I never break anything.
It was the first time I looked up close, and tbh, I think his eyes are more blue than green.
-
March 21st
I've gone over to Phil's three times this past week. I didn't really feel like it, but I had nothing else to do, and Phil was being all nice about it. He said he likes it when I come over, even if I win all the games. I'm not sure why he would like seeing more of me considering we already see each other at work all the time, but he has a Switch and a PS4, which is enough reason for me to go.
He insisted on making me crepes, because I hadn't eaten since breakfast. Surprisingly good, although he did almost set the kitchen on fire and I ended up having to help him work his own stove. How did this guy even live to 26???
He tried to do one of those fun crepe flips and it landed on his face. He also dropped the pan and the handle broke.
He's clumsy as fuck, but it's kinda
It's two hours later now. Phil texted me and I got distracted.
Phil told me his real hair colour is like... a mousy ginger? He's a fucking liar. There's no way that is true.
-
April 1st
Phil played a prank on me. We were in the back room, he went out for a moment, came back and made me believe that Harry Styles just came to the store. I flipped the fuck out and then he started laughing at me.
I'm an idiot of course, but Phil is such a snake, I can't believe it. He was all excited, he grabbed my hand and tried to drag me out, and that distracted me because it was a bit weird, and it was… weird. So I believed him and now I feel stupid. And weird. Yeah, I just wrote the word 'weird' four times in a row. My English teacher is quaking.
Anyway, Phil is an absolute cunt. On a totally unrelated note, the last time I went over to Phil's I saw a box of hair dye in the bathroom. I'm going to swap it for a pink one. I really AM. Phil Fucking Lester.
Oh, and I saw Linda yesterday. She keeps on asking me about Phil. Maybe I should try to set them up if she is so into him.
That made me realise I'm not even sure if Phil is single. Probably not.
-
April 1st (again)
I checked his Facebook. He's single.
-
April 11th
I had lunch with Phil today. We just went around the corner - we had to be back at work in thirty minutes.
It took longer than that. Thomas got pissed.
I was kind of keeping track of time, but I didn't want to interrupt Phil when he was talking. I don't even remember what he was saying anymore. Must have not been important.
I said something daft to him and he laughed. What did I say? I said his shirt really brings out his eyes.
The fuck, Dan?
Oh, and I had to drink tea. Phil had a caramel macchiato, but I had to drink tea because I'm an idiot who lied about hating coffee. An idiot, yes Linda, an idiot. Try to convince me otherwise.
(please)
She doesn't actually read these. I haven't told her about the coffee thing. It's too stupid, even for me.
-
April 12th
I haven't had an episode for a while. I've had worse days, but not like a full blown suffer-for-days kind of thing.
Instead of being happy about it, I'm kinda… scared?
Am I just pretending everything is ok because I've been busy, or am I feeling better?
Wow. I'm actually using this diary for its intended purpose. Look at me go.
I'm hungry. Bye.
-
April 17th
Phil got yelled at by a customer today. It was hilarious, but also, fuck that guy. I told the guy off, and Thomas told me off, but it was well worth it. The twat was trying to trick Phil into giving him more change than required. I'm surprised Phil caught on, because Phil is gullible enough to believe me when I tell him that scientists found dinosaur bones on Pluto.
I mean, there's a possibility he was just humouring me, but it's not very big. He really does believe anything I say. Including the coffee thing, unfortunately.
Ever since that day, I haven't been able to drink coffee when me and Phil have a shift together.
Or is it Phil and I? Whatever.
-
April 22nd
Why does Phil keep asking me to go places?
Like two weeks ago he said he was given some free tickets to see a film, and asked me if I wanted to go. I told him there was nothing fun playing right now, because there isn't. Good films always get released near the end of the year. I thought that was common knowledge.
Last week he asked me if I wanted to go out for dinner, but I wasn't hungry. Now today he asked me if I wanted to go get some ice cream, but it was raining. Who eats ice cream when it's rainy and cold? Not this guy.
Maybe he thinks it's boring if we just go to his or my place when we hang out? It's not boring. It's surprisingly not boring. Or maybe he's bored of hanging out with me and is trying to do something more fun? But it's not like he has to hang out with me.
I'm sure he has better friends to spend time with.
But... he does spend a lot of time with me.
-
April 30th
I haven't had a shift with Phil this week at all, which means that I've barely seen him. I mean, that's alright. I've been doing other things.
Okay, it's been like three minutes and I haven't come up with a single thing that I did during that time. I guess I've just been sat on the sofa, playing some GW2 (which by the way, if you are reading this hundreds of years from now, I need to immortalise the fact that GW2 is the best game of our times. This is the thing I choose to preserve for centuries. Guild Wars 2.)
When Phil's shift ended and mine started, he hung around until Thomas told him to go away. Fucking Thomas, he just loves to spoil things when they are bearable for once.
I mean, I'm not implying that work is only bearable with Phil around, because it's almost the opposite. He still breaks all sorts of crap and messes up like every other delivery, but I'm used to it by now. And he's fun. Yeah, Phil is fun, nice, kind, patient and odd. Odd is right because he's so weird. When he laughs, he does this thing with his tongue, like it sticks out the corner of his mouth and it's
What am I even writing in here? God, I hope nobody ever finds this diary.
-
May 7th
I looked through the diary before my next therapy appointment, and wow. Linda wasn't kidding. It really is all Phil, Phil, Phil, and she doesn't even know the full extent of it. I just summarise things for her.
I don't have many other friends here. What did I even do before meeting Phil?
The thing with Phil is that he's so effortlessly nice. Like he picks up croissants for me on the way to work, and he gave me access to his Netflix so that I don't have to pay for mine, and he lets me play all his games and watch his dvds. I didn't even realise how much time we spend together until now tbh. Haven't really given it any thought.
But I feel like.
Fuck, I don't know. It's like something is missing.
I'm going to Phil's on Friday night. We're gonna have a LotR marathon.
-
May 10th
Shit.
-
May 11th
I feel odd.
It's like this strange feeling and I can't really describe it. It's like someone is punching a hole through my chest and squeezing my heart repeatedly. And that sounds really morbid, but it's not a bad feeling, it's just... Ugh. I don't know. It just is. It's like a feeling of constant alarm, like I'm on edge, but not in a bad way. But I can't say if it's a good feeling either? I don't know.
I have no idea what I'm even talking about.
Why am I still using this diary? I mean, my therapist tells me that I have to, but I could just write regular things like: I went to work today. I went to sleep today. I went to Phil's today. That would work better than trying to describe a feeling that I don't even understand.
There's more that I don't understand. Like the fact that I stayed over on Friday and actually fell asleep on Phil's bed and he did too and
I'm going to sleep.
-
May 11th (again)
I can't sleep.
Who am I kidding, I haven't even properly tried.
So. Friday.
It was fun. Lord of the Rings, pizza, blankets, Phil's bed (way larger than mine, thanks @universe). It was cool. We argued about the origin of the Nazgûl, and about how Aragorn and Legolas should've gotten together, and it was good. But I was really tired, because work is a bitch, and I dozed off at some point. Phil didn't wake me.
Why didn't he wake me? Maybe he fell asleep right after? I dunno.
Either way, when I woke up he was like, right there. As in I woke up, and he was on his side facing me, asleep.
I've never seen him asleep, or this close, or just. I don't know.
He had bits of hair in his eyes, and his mouth open just a little, and he looked so peaceful and... and I did something stupid. I brushed his hair away from his forehead.
He was warm, and it was like one second, but I completely lost my cool afterwards. I basically jumped out of bed, and then he woke up, he was confused, I was ??? I was... being an idiot, and I kind of said nothing except that I had to go. And I left.
To be fair, it was like 10 am and I had to work at noon, but still.
And now... I can't sleep.
We texted a bit and everything seemed fine. He didn't mention me acting like a total lunatic. I'm seeing him again tomorrow at work.
Maybe it was nothing. Maybe I was just surprised or something.
Most probably.
-
May 12th
Phil was different. A bit.
Did it bother him that I fell asleep next to him? Why would it though, I'm sure he's had plenty of mates stay over at some point.
No, this change is all on me. The fact that today I could think of little else than how nice Phil looked in that black shirt, and how much I like his stupid toothy grin. And this is all sappy shit that I would never say out loud, so I suppose I have to burn this diary sometime, as opposed to leaving it for the aliens to find in the future.
I kind of hated Phil at first, for like a few days. The thing is… I don't hate him now, and I'm not sure what to do.
-
May 18th
Linda thinks I'm having an episode, but I don't think I am. This is different.
My episodes are usually an absence of feeling. Now? Now I'm feeling like fifty things all at once, and some of them are good. Some of them are not good.
Good is when I see Phil laughing, or smiling, or when he texts me, or
Jesus Christ, Dan. What the fuck. This is worse than my diary when I was fourteen and thought I was deep.
He hasn't asked me out for lunch this week. I don't know why.
I do know why.
-
May 19th
Do I know why?
-
May 21st
I broke. I asked him out to lunch.
He said he wasn't hungry.
-
May 22nd
I hadn't fully realised how often Phil used to invite me to places until he stopped. And it's not like he's mad at me or anything, he still talks to me and makes jokes. I went over to his place a few days ago and we played some Crash Bandicoot too. But it's like, if I don't do it, if I don't actively try to get us to meet, he won't do it either.
I guess that I'm getting a taste of my own medicine in a way? How many times have I said no when he wanted to do something? But then we still often ended up hanging out, we just did other things. And I never understood why he was so insistent on going out to dinner and such in the first place. Sitting at home is great too.
But in retrospective, it could have been fun. It could have been nice.
Except Phil doesn't seem to want to go anywhere anymore.
Things became different after I stayed the night, so that must have been the problem. But which part exactly?
That I stayed or that I left?
-
May 28th
Just when I thought that I couldn't get any dumber, I decided to prove myself wrong. Yup, that's me, always up for a challenge.
What did I do? It hurts me physically to even write it, and no, not just because I can't hold a pen. My pen thing has improved a lot over the past few months, by the way. I can almost tell what I'm writing as I'm writing it. January will forever remain a mystery, I guess. Other than an increasing amount of "Phil".
Anyway.
I went and asked Phil if something happened. I'm not sure why I did it, because I kind of know the answer, but I did it and now it's done.
He was confused. CONFUSED! He had me clarify what I meant. I'm not sure if he was being cruel on purpose or just being daft as always. Doesn't matter at this point.
It took me like five attempts, but I did tell him that he never asked me to hang out anymore, and then, to dig an even deeper hole, I asked if I did something wrong. And honestly, this should have cleared any confusion for Phil, but apparently not. No, he still stared at me as if I was from a different planet.
HE SAID HE THOUGHT I WASN'T INTERESTED SO HE STOPPED ASKING ME TO GO PLACES TO NOT BE A NUISANCE
.
.
.
I mean. I have no idea. I really don't. Interested as in? As in Phil likes me as a friend? Or does he fancy me?
What did I say in response?
Nothing. Three customers came in and Phil went to sell things. I went to lock myself in the bathroom.
-
May 29th
I called in sick today. I am kind of sick, but not coughing my lungs out like I did over the phone. I don't have a cold. I'm sick of thinking and thinking and thinking and
Okay, Linda. If writing things down helps, I'm gonna do the thing and try to write this down.
What do I do? Am I supposed to like, use bullet points and such? Fuck that, this isn't an essay. And I sincerely hope nobody ever reads this. Not even the aliens. Especially not the aliens.
Okay, so. Phil. The Phil thing didn't really work out as expected. As in, it didn't work out at all.
I first thought I would hate him, and then I thought I would maybe, possibly not. And then I thought he was fun. That we were mates.
And now I just think. Of Phil. A lot. All the time.
I'm not going to actually write this out, but yeah. There's a conclusion here and I think I reached it. But Phil?
He used to always ask me to go places, and then he stopped right when things got weird. And he says he thought I wasn't interested? There is room for interpretation here, but there is no way in hell I'm going to ask him about anything again, because I might die of actual embarrassment. So that's out.
I have no idea where I'm going with this, tbh. I think that the bottom line is that I would… maybe? I would ~maybe~ like it if Phil would ask me somewhere again. I certainly wouldn't say I'm not hungry or some other stupid shit. That much I know.
The problem is, I don't think he's going to ask me. I think he's done asking me.
I think I have an idea.
-
June 4th
This idea? Not as easy to implement as I thought it would be.
I thought I was being smart. I thought it was the right thing to do. I neglected to consider the fact that Phil usually does the exact opposite of what I expect him to.
I had this cute plan that I would ask Phil to go out to dinner with me. I'm not sure why I thought it would work really, because he turned down lunch a while back. But for some reason, I felt pretty certain he'd say yes. Maybe I was just so scared of the actual dinner that I forgot to consider he might say no.
Which he did. Of course.
It wasn't even my fault! I think I did pretty well. I was all casual about it. I really kept it cool when I asked Phil.
Fuck no, I wasn't and I didn't. I think I actually stuttered. Anyway, I asked him, and he stared at me for a moment, and then he said: "Saturday? I don't think I'm going to be hungry on Saturday". Yes, those exact words. For the record, it was Wednesday when I asked him.
And THEN he had the audacity to grin at me - like a proper, huge grin. He then walked away to deal with more customers. The same customers whom I ignore on a daily basis, and he makes money on without even trying, because he's a freak who is genuinely nice and helpful. But really... he could have given me another minute or two.
So does Phil really not want to go? Or is he just being the absolute weirdo that he tends to be?
-
June 9th
I tried again. Twice. First I asked him out to lunch, then to see a film. Both of those were a no. I think I'm starting to see a bit of a pattern.
He didn't want to see a film, because films are dull. He didn't want lunch because he decided to stop eating lunch.
I kinda hate him right now. I also very much don't hate him. That's where the problem lies.
Does he see right through me? When he laughs in response to my stupid attempts, when he does his bloody tongue thing, when he runs his fingers through his hair? Does he know why exactly I'm even trying? Because I don't fully know it myself, but I have a good idea.
To summarise this absolute mess: Phil is clumsy, fun, sweet, really fit, cruel, annoying, and I hate him. Also, I'm trying again tomorrow.
-
June 10th
Not even the fact that it's my birthday tomorrow made him show me any mercy. The guy either despises me, or just finds pleasure in making me suffer. I am. I'm suffering. I'll admit it.
I'm suffering when I have to watch him talk to other people, and I'm suffering when he talks to me. And I'm suffering a little extra when I stop listening and just focus on his lips, because apparently that is a thing I now have a slight fixation for.
My life had been nothing but suffering since Phil Lester appeared in it. That's the truth. Cold, hard facts.
Okay, it all sounds fun and dramatic, but no. My life's much better with Phil in it, but he's being a prick and I still kind of hate him. And I still kind of don't.
I'm running out of ideas. And I have no plans for my birthday.
Maybe Phil really changed his mind. Or maybe he just didn't want anything in the first place. I don't know anymore.
-
June 11th
PHIL IS A TROLL.
-
June 12th
I think I'm slowly coming back to reality now. Sort of kind of maybe perhaps. idk
Yesterday was a Whole Thing (wow, I really need to lay off the internet speak. This isn't a blog. Or twitter.)
Anyway yes, it was a thing and it happened, and I'm not sure if I should write it all down but I'll try. For myself if nothing else. Future Dan, for the purpose of Linda: just tell her you spent the whole day playing Guild Wars all by yourself. She'll love it.
So. Yesterday. Phil had the evening shift and I had the morning, but for some reason his shifts got switched, and he came in at the same time as me. He was being a prick, with his stupid smile and his stupid jokes, like when he said I looked nice. I didn't look nice. I was wearing my Star Wars t-shirt and Thomas even scolded me for it.
I was still kind of fed up after my embarrassing attempts, so I tried to ignore Phil for the most part. That is until he asked me if I want to go somewhere after work. Together. I was so surprised that I managed to drop my favourite mug.
I told him to fuck off, because I thought he was making fun of me, but he kept nagging and nagging until I finally said yes. We agreed to meet up after work at this one place I wasn't familiar with.
The two hours between work and meeting Phil were downright excruciating. What did he want? What would he say? What did *I* want? I had no bloody idea, which wasn't any different from the norm, but it still wasn't fun. When I left the flat to meet up with Phil, I mostly thought he just felt sorry for me. Which fair enough, he should. I really didn't have any plans for my own birthday.
Phil was already waiting outside when I arrived, and I kind of ran out of things to say before I even said anything. I was a bit floored.
Phil was dressed up. Properly dressed up. Phil's dress shirt was like a light blue, reminded me of his eyes a bit, and he had a dark blue suit jacket to match. And there I was, in my black jumper and jeans, staring at him without a word.
I've seen the guy on most days since January, but I don't think it ever truly hit me until now, and by it I mean everything.
As if Phil's shirt wasn't enough, the place he invited me to was a bloody restaurant. I thought we were going to get McDonald's or something. Maybe Nando's if we were feeling fancy. But this was a proper place with a waiter and reservations, and I wished Phil had told me this in advance.
Once we sat down, we were really silent. I had no idea what to say anymore, and Phil just stared at me in what I can only assume was complete confusion.
And he stared. And he stared. And stared.
And I stared right back.
Things got a bit awkward then.
Phil said he didn't understand, and I said 'me neither'. He said he thought I did want to go somewhere, and it was kind of daft, because obviously? I'm here?
And then. Then he did that thing where he smiles with his eyes before smiling with his lips, and he shook his head, asking me like: 'Dan, what did you think this was?'
A pity party? A birthday dinner? I mean, I clearly didn't expect a restaurant. I don't know what I thought.
And then he
And then he reached out and laid his hand on mine, on the table. He also said I'm a bit of an idiot. So basically he was laughing at me while I just sat there, confused and annoyed, but I mean in retrospective, he may have a bit of a point.
Why? Because. Because we had dinner and then he took me home and
No, nothing like that, but.
But yeah. It wasn't a pity party.
He did say something funny later on, but I'm not sure if I want to put it in writing. Maybe not everything should be immortalised, namely me being an idiot.
I'll just have to wait and see.
-
June 19th
It's only been a week since I last touched this diary, but I already feel like I might as well burn every page up until the day after my birthday. I mean, I'm not even going to read it again. Truly traumatising.
Or maybe I don't have to burn it. I should just tell it like it is. This isn't a diary, it's some sort of a book about Phil, and the worst thing is, I'm nowhere near done writing it.
Phil. If I were still in high school, I may have drawn a heart here. Thank fuck that I'm not.
But there's a bit of a mental heart here, even if it's not down on paper.
Phil is…
I don't know. Still annoying. Still clumsy as fuck. He tripped and made a customer fall today. Luckily nothing happened (to Phil. I can't bring myself to care much about the customer. jkjk they were ok too and we gave them a discount)
But Phil also looks me in the eyes for ages, as if there was something to be seen in there. And Phil's lips taste of sugar, which shouldn't be very surprising, but it still really is. And I've wanted this for longer than I thought, but that's less important now.
The funny thing Phil said? He's been trying to ask me out since like… January, and I had no idea. When he asked me out for coffee on Valentine's Day, that wasn't just because I was sleepy. And the dinner wasn't because I was hungry, and he bought the tickets to see a film himself, he didn't just get them for free. I said no, so he ended up going twice. By himself.
I'm an idiot, but that's also a bit less important now. (But I'm still an idiot.)
What's important is this. What I'm starting to have now. No - what me and Phil are starting to have now. There's a 'we' in there, but it's probably too soon.
But I think... I think it's not that far off.
Time to go. Phil is coming over.