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Nico covers his face with both of his hands, holding his anger in, trying to keep his thoughts from jumping to the worst conclusion before he gets a chance to ask what this is really about. Why Martino can’t seem to trust him with himself. Why he has to feel like he doesn’t know what’s good for him on his own, always needing someone to point it out to him like a fucking child. He presses his fingers into his eyes focusing on the pressure instead of his anger.
“Martino, what’s this?” he asks calmly, almost too calm, pointing to the pile of knives clearly hidden in the back of his desk drawer. The drawer that Marti accidentally forgot to lock today.
Nico hasn’t been feeling well for the past week, and he’s taken refuge from his parent’s incessant questions and nagging and their constant “Niccolò don’t forget to take your meds” in Marti’s room. His own asylum from the world, where he could be sad and unwell without constantly feeling guilty. without constantly feeling like he has to be looked after and watched. like a child with fire. like he doesn’t know himself well enough to know what to and not to do.
So finding out that Marti’s been hiding knives and sharp objects from him was a blow. He doesn’t trust him either. He’s just a kid here too, he just doesn’t know it yet. Niccolò felt like puking.
“Ni,” Marti comes closer, hands hovering over Niccoló’s, but not touching. “Um, these are the kitchen knives.” he shrugs. “Please don’t misread this, I just…“
But Niccoló can’t hear the rest of this. He can’t hear the confirmation of his worst thoughts. Martino’s words from a few months ago ring in his ears, you try to stay away from them as much as possible, or you just become like them. He’s just a “them” to him now. Just another lunatic, a time bomb set to blow up at any second.
He leaves the room. He has to leave he can’t stand looking at Martino now, not with these thoughts, not with these truths finally coming out. He knew this day would come that this was just a dream, too good to be true. Martino was just another Maddalena trying to control him.
“Nico, please let me explain,” he grabs his arms and Niccolò flinches. “I didn’t know what to do Nico please, I am just scared of losing you. In any way. and and” his voice is breaking, “Nico please.” Niccoló’s face softens at his tone, he stops pacing around and looks at him, giving Martino a chance to explain himself.
"The first night you came here, the first night you stayed over, I couldn’t sleep. You were sad - so sad Nico - and it broke my heart, and I couldn’t do anything to make you feel better. I didn’t know what to do to make you feel better,” Marti comes closer, hand hovering over Nico’s cheek silently asking can I touch you,“you were so sad Nico, I wanted to wrap you up in my arms, in a blanket, in anything to protect you from the world. I would if I could, I’d do anything for you Ni. But I don’t know how yet. I don’t know, and I can’t risk losing you.”
“So you treat me like a child Marti? Am I just another depressed person you need to stay away from? To monitor and watch with minimal interaction, as if I’m a virus you could catch?”
Marti’s heart breaks at his words, “Nico, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said those words back then, they were stupid. I was stupid. I was mad at the world, at my mom, and not rightfully so. I was wrong. Can I touch you? please?”
Nico nods, and Marti hugs him tight. He feels Niccolò slightly relaxing in his arms, but he doesn’t return the embrace. He speaks into his neck hoping the meaning and love behind his words are clear to him, “Niccolò, I trust you. I completely trust you with myself, please know this. You changed me, you know? And the thought of losing you fills me with dread and grief. I don’t trust myself to be good enough for you, to be able to know what you need at the right time, so I assume the worst and take precautions. Maybe I should have spoken to you first but this is in no way me belittling you or taking away any of your freedom.” he pulls away slightly looking into Nico’s eyes to make sure he gets it, that he understands, “you’re your own person here, you hear me?”
Nico’s heart is so full at this moment. It’s a miracle how Marti always knows what to say to calm his demons. To put all the doubt and anxiety away. Nico nods, burying his face in Marti’s neck and just breathing him in.
“Sorry I got mad,” Nico whispers, “I-I just couldn’t stand the thought of you not trusting me, like I’m a time bomb or something to constantly fear.”
Marti shakes his head, looking into Nico’s eyes and placing a soft kiss on his lips, “You’re not, Ni, you’re never that.”
And they were alright again.