Archive of Our Own

Minhyun couldn’t sleep.

It’s already way past midnight and he’s absolutely exhausted. He had a long day - it was comeback week and their schedule was packed - but his brain just wouldn’t turn off, no matter how hard he tried. He tosses and turns in the bed, tries to count to a thousand, sings lullabies to himself, but nothing works.

Doesn’t help that the weather is starting to get hotter and hotter - summer is already knocking on their door - but since Sungwoon is strictly against turning the air conditioner on so “it wouldn’t affect his vocal cords”, Minhyun has no choice but to suffer through the heat. Sungwoon’s right, Minhyun knows, but he couldn’t help but wish the air was cool enough for him to bury himself into the blankets and cozy it up a little.

But he can’t, so he just stays there - sweaty and sticky and uncomfortable, praying that he’ll soon be able to fall asleep. He’s also starting to get really thirsty, so he reaches for the nightstand to get his glass of water, but he finds nothing.

Of course he had to forget to bring it to his room.  What a lovely night,  he thinks.

Minhyun finally accepts he isn’t going to fall asleep that soon and decides to go to the kitchen to get some water and maybe snack on something. He slowly gets up from his bed, making sure he’s being as silent as possible so he wouldn’t wake Sungwoon up, then he carefully opens the door and tiptoes to the kitchen.

He’s still in the hallway when something calls his eye.

It’s Jaehwan’s room. There’s a light coming from the hollow under the door. Minhyun looks at his watch - it's already 01:53 AM.  He’s probably practicing , Minhyun thinks. It wasn’t uncommon for Jaehwan to stay awake making music until the wee hours of the morning, as tired as he might have been. Minhyun couldn’t help but smile to himself in admiration - his friend was really that driven.

He’s tempted to take a peek, to see the Jaehwan’s focused expression as he practices, maybe even chat a little, but it’s too late and he’s too beat. So he decides to leave him alone and continue his path to the kitchen.

Then he hears an unusual sound coming from Jaehwan’s room.

It sounds like a whine, like a pained moan. When he first hears it, Minhyun’s heart immediately jumps inside his ribcage. He thinks that maybe Jaehwan is in pain - Minhyun knows his friend is very good at hiding his troubles whenever he’s performing or rehearsing, so he supposes he could’ve hurt himself and didn’t want Minhyun to be concerned. 

Feeling a mix of worry and curiosity, Minhyun decides to turn the door handle to check on Jaehwan, but before he could open the door completely he hears another sound.

This time it isn’t Jaehwan’s voice, he’s sure of it. It’s lower and it’s deeper and it sounds feral - like a grunt. Minhyun immediately connects the dots; Jaehwan wasn’t in pain, he was -  

Minhyun feels like his body is being invaded by a sensation of dread, like he knows what he is about to see but he can’t seem to believe it. It’s just too impossible, he thinks. Jaehwan couldn’t - he  wouldn’t . And who could be the one with him? Who did that voice belong to  -

Maybe he’s just watching something online, just having fun by himself, Minhyun attempts to shrug it off, to calm himself down. Maybe it’s just Minhyun’s exhaustion making him imagine things. Impossible things.

But he hears the sound again and it’s too vivid, too close. His heart is pounding. He looks at the door - he managed to open it a little, it would be so easy to take a peek. What if it was something else entirely? He  needs  to look.

So he does.

Jaehwan is lying in the bed, half on his side, half on his stomach, one of his legs bent up, the other stretched down. He's wearing only a loose t-shirt and his lower body is completely bare. His legs are moving non-stop, feet kicking into the sheets like he is in agony, his hair messy and damp. His face is half-hidden by his arm, but when he moves a little Minhyun can see his face and... He looks beautiful, he looks blissed.

Minhyun is so transfixed by the sight of Jaehwan that it takes him seconds for his mind to compute what he’s doing and that there was a man with him. A sturdy, wide-shouldered man pinning Jaehwan’s body under his, his hips moving frantically in and out, in tandem with Jaehwan’s. Minhyun can see that the man is trying to hold the boy’s hips up, to keep him from slumping in the bed; he can see that the man’s face is buried between Jaehwan’s shoulder and neck as he bites into him; he can see that while one of the man’s large hands is holding Jaehwan’s hips close to him, the other is hidden below Jaehwan’s lower stomach, between his legs, moving up and down, fast and rough, Jaehwan’s high mewls and little gasps mixing with the man’s low groans.

It’s Daniel.

The man with Jaehwan is obviously Daniel and Minhyun can’t think. His feelings are all over the place, his dick immediately hardening at the sight while his heart feels like it’s about to burst. He isn’t supposed to be here. He needs to leave.  Now .

But somehow he can’t. He feels completely stuck, paralyzed. He can’t take his eyes off the scene in front of him, so he stays and watches.

Daniel mumbles something inaudible into Jaehwan’s ears and turns him to lie flat on his back and Minhyun doesn’t know whether he should cry or thank Daniel, because he can see Jaehwan way clearer like his, even with his limited scope of vision.

Daniel is standing on his knees, his lean, muscular body between Jaehwan’s delicate-looking legs. He grabs both of Jaehwan’s knees and parts them wide, never taking his eyes off Jaehwan’s face. Daniel’s expression is a mixture of hunger and tenderness and Minhyun suddenly wants to rip the look from his face. In this position, Minhyun can see Jaehwan’s cock, hard and red and wet, and he has to stop himself from reaching to his own dick.  This is too wrong , he thinks, trying to fight off his arousal. He feels guilt flooding him, but it’s not enough for him to stop watching. It’s mesmerizing to see Jaehwan like this outside of his dreams. He couldn’t just go away now.

Minhyun watches as Jaehwan tries to close his legs in embarrassment, but it seems like Daniel is having none of it.

“Open them up for me. Be a good boy.” His voice is serious and husky and he swears he sees Jaehwan’s cock throb and spurt a little at his tone. He says something Minhyun can’t understand and then guides his thick cock back inside Jaehwan, who bites his own arm, probably in an attempt to stop himself from screaming.

“Shh, that’s it. You want the members to hear you? I bet you do, baby. I bet you want  him  to listen.”

Daniel rams his hips hard into Jaehwan as he strokes him, making Jaehwan shudder, his eyes unfocused and his body all flushed and pliant, and Minhyun is so jealous and so horribly hard that he doesn’t know what to do. He wants to shove Daniel away from Jaehwan and he wants to beat him up and tell him he is  his  and claim him right there, in front of whoever is there to see. Because Jaehwan is supposed to be his.  He  is the one who should be with him.

He sees Jaehwan’s body shudder and come spill from his cock and it’s too much and Minhyun wants to come, too. It’s beautiful and heartbreaking and he doesn’t know what to do. Daniel follows a couple of moments after and then everything gets even worse, because they kiss each other so tenderly, so full of respect that Minhyun feels himself crumble. He finally wakes up from his paralyzed state and he drags himself to his room and to his bed as he tries to make sense of everything he had just witnessed.

He feels nauseous. His Jaehwan, with another man. With another  member . He couldn’t have imagined, he could never have even fathomed the possibility. He thought  he  was the freak, thinking about Jaehwan like that, while completely aware of the impossibility of his feelings being ever returned, burying everything deep inside his heart so he wouldn’t have to deal with it.  But now he knew he was wrong because it's clear Jaehwan  did  want men, he just didn’t want  him , and somehow that made everything even more painful.

But Minhyun can’t stop thinking about it; about his flushed body, his expression when he was about to come, his innocent face contorted in pleasure. Minhyun couldn’t stop from putting himself into Daniel’s place in his head, couldn’t stop himself from imagining how much better he would be, how good he would make Jaehwan feel. He puts his hand inside his sweatpants and takes his cock out, feeling how impossibly hard and wet he had gotten. He pumps himself furiously, almost punishingly, and he spills only a minute later, the feeling of emptiness and sadness and guilt taking him over completely now that the arousal had subsided.

He still doesn’t sleep, a ridiculous amount of questions going through his head. Was Jaehwan in love with Daniel? Were they in love with  each other?  They had been spending a lot of time together lately, but it was natural, with them working together in Triple Position and all. Yes, Minhyun had been jealous of their closeness, but the possibility of them being together like this didn’t really cross his mind. How long has this been going on? It didn’t look like it was the first time.

Finally, exhaustion takes him over and he falls into a dreamless, restless slumber.

*

Waking up is hard.

Minhyun has to deal with the exhaustion of his body and the confusion in his mind. He can’t help but theorize if what happened yesterday was real or if he was just imagining things, but Minhyun is a sane person, he still knows how to differentiate illusion from reality, no matter how tired he might have been. No matter how much he wishes it wasn’t real. He showers, scrubbing his body so hard it hurts, as he tries to avoid the images from flooding his mind again and again. It’s like he is washing them off of him, along with the guilt, the dirty, inappropriate thoughts he keeps having, the jealousy, the aggression.

Minhyun gets himself ready and goes to their van; they have to perform again today and he isn’t sure how he’s going to face Jaehwan, how he’s going to face Daniel. He is trying hard to forget everything he saw, he really is, but it feels like the image of Jaehwan under Daniel will forever be engraved inside his mind and Minhyun doesn’t know what he can do to erase it. He’s not sure he  wants to  - even if he knows he will never see them again in the same light - and these conflicting thoughts are driving him crazy.

He tries to behave as if nothing happened because he  has  to. He can’t let them think something is happening, he can’t let them know that he knows. So Minhyun does his best to pretend everything is normal, tries to treat everyone the same as he always does.

He doesn’t succeed, though. Jaehwan tries to approach him backstage, tries to talk to him and Minhyun fails every time. He answers him monosyllabically a couple of times, pretends he didn’t listen when he has the opportunity. Avoids him the rest of the day.

With Daniel, he is just plain aggressive and he always feels so ashamed. He has to apologize once. “I had a nightmare last night and woke up with a horrible headache.” He says, looking down, and Daniel grabs his shoulder in sympathy, gentle and understanding as he always is and Minhyun wants to shove his hand away. He feels horrible for thinking that.

He starts observing them together, how they act around each other. They are so natural together, so intimate, playing around and chatting like there wasn’t a horrible secret shared between them. Minhyun hates it.

Maybe he really imagined things, he thinks. He’d try again tonight. He had to confirm it.

*

Minhyun goes to Jaehwan’s room that night, the same time he as the night before.

His lights are off. Everything is silent. He sighs in relief and goes back to his room.

*

The next day is the same. They rehearse, perform, go back to their dorms and Minhyun does what he can to seem nonchalant, to make himself seem as unaffected as possible, as if nothing had happened. Minhyun isn’t a good actor, though. He can’t talk to them, he can’t even look at them.

Jaehwan tries to approach him several times, a smile on his lips, calling “Minhyun-hyung, come here!” whenever he sees something interesting, and Minhyun feels himself getting angry at him and he hates himself for it.  So he sulks and he hides and he promises himself he’ll try harder tomorrow.

He still goes to Jaehwan’s room again that night, can’t stop himself from doing it. He both anticipates and dreads what he would find, but before he could even get close to the door he knows Daniel is there. He can feel it in his bones.

Minhyun wouldn’t open the door again, knows he was lucky not to be caught last time, so he his only choice is to snoop through the keyhole. And here he is, standing pathetically on his knees, his heart beating fast as he expects to be struck by the sight of them together again. Minhyun knows that even if he left they would still keep doing it, that his mind would conjure all of the images itself. He would suffer both ways, so why not stay, why not rip off the bandaid at once already.

The image is far and obscured but it’s enough for him to understand what is happening. Daniel is sitting on the border of the bed, still mostly clothed, his pants down his hips. Jaehwan is on his knees, completely nude, his head bobbing up and down as he sucks on Daniel’s cock. Daniel’s hand is gripping Jaehwan’s hair mercilessly while he fucks his mouth with no care, no finesse, low grunts coming from his lips. Minhyun feels like he doesn’t know who they are anymore.

“Look at me.” Daniel says and it sounds like an order, which Jaehwan immediately obeys. Minhyun feels sick. He is getting hard so quickly he feels like he can’t breathe. He keeps watching, even though his knees hurt, even though could barely see. Somehow everything was painfully clear to him.

Daniel grabs Jaehwan’s hair hard so he can slip his dick out of the boy’s mouth only so he could downright  slap  Jaehwan’s face. Minhyun feels himself be invaded by worry and anger and he almost gets up, almost opens the door.

But then Daniel  caresses   Jaehwan’s cheek, right where he hurt him, and then he slips a finger inside his mouth. Jaehwan sucks and licks around it then he  smiles  and it’s lewd and Minhyun feels something even worse piercing through his heart. It’s wonderful, it’s horrible, he can’t stop looking. 

Daniel pulls Jaehwan to the bed and Minhyun can only see their lower bodies now. Jaehwan is on his elbows and knees and Daniel is thrusting violently into him and the sounds Jaehwan makes go straight to Minhyun’s groin. He can’t stop himself; he takes his own cock out, strokes in sync with Daniel’s thrusts and it’s like he’s there, like he’s the one inside him and if that’s the only way it could happen then Minhyun would take it.

*

Seongwu notices there’s something wrong. He always does.

They had finished performing and are getting ready to leave the KBS backstage area and go back to their apartments when Seongwu approaches Minhyun, asking him if he is okay.  Minhyun lies, says yes, but Seongwu knows him and he doesn’t buy it.

“You know you can talk to me whenever you want, don’t you?” He asks, his voice gentle and reassuring. “I’m not going to force you to tell me anything, but I’m here for you if you need it. I’ll always be here.” He gives Minhyun’s shoulder an affectionate squeeze as Minhyun thanks him. He’s been clinging to Seongwu a lot the last few months and they’ve been getting closer and closer. They are more alike than people would think and Seongwu's presence makes everything easier, calmer.

He wishes he could talk to him, he wishes he could just pour his heart out and get rid of this burden in his chest. But how would he explain it? He wouldn’t out them like this — Minhyun knew he was far from being a perfect person - the last couple of days had been a proof of that - but he wasn’t vile to this point. And he certainly wouldn’t out himself, wasn’t ready for it, and that wasn’t a situation he could explain with a “hypothetically” or a “supposedly”. He knows he can confide in Seongwu, knows his friend would understand, but the secret wasn’t his to tell. Hell, it wasn’t even his to  know.

Seongwu gives him a quick peck on the cheek and Minhyun pulls him for a hug. It’s long and it's comforting and God knows Minhyun really needs some comfort right now.

It’s when he lifts his head from Seongwu’s shoulder that he sees him.

Jaehwan is looking at them from a distance, his expression blank and difficult to read. When their eyes meet, Jaehwan gives Minhyun a slight, tight-lipped smile, and there’s something off about him, there’s something different in his eyes.

Minhyun pretends he didn’t see him as he lets go of his friend’s arms.

He’s sure Jaehwan also knows something is going on. All the boys know.  He’s been too obvious in his avoidance, in his fake indifference, and he knows he shouldn’t keep behaving like this if he wants to keep his secret. It just feels physically impossible for him to pretend nothing had happened and he’s afraid of what he could say if he does end up talking to Jaehwan some day, terrified he will end up slipping everything - his feelings, his shame. And to make things worse there’s Daniel, another constant, ever-present reminder. Minhyun couldn’t avoid both of them without turning himself in, he needed to pull himself together or he was going to get caught.

But how could he?

*

He keeps doing it.

It doesn’t happen every night, but it’s often enough for him not to stop. He has to be careful, has to wait for the right moment, can’t risk bumping into Daniel.  It’s dangerous, and Minhyun is always scared one his members will pass by and find him like this. When Daniel doesn’t visit, Minhyun goes back to his room feeling as empty and guilty as he would have felt if something had actually happened.

And there are the nights when they don’t even fuck. They just hold each other close and talk and sometimes they even fall asleep in each other’s arms. These are the ones that hurt him the most.

Jaehwan starts avoiding Minhyun back and Minhyun doesn’t know if he should be relieved or scared. It should be easier, not having to be close to him, but his heart still shatters into a million pieces. He misses him, misses how they used to be together, but he knows he can never go back. Every night Minhyun wishes he hadn’t witnessed what he did that first night, wishes that he could just spend his days pretending, just like he used to. It still hurt, but it was manageable. And this - this is just torment.

*

They are close to finishing this cycle of promotions and they were going to leave for their World Tour in a few days and Minhyun thinks this might be what he needs to pull himself together.

He wouldn’t be able to keep doing whatever he was doing during the tour and he hopes  they  wouldn’t either. Maybe that would help him forget, maybe it would help him salvage even if just a little bit of his relationship with Jaehwan, even with Daniel. Maybe it would give him the courage to finally speak to Jaehwan about the way he’s behaving, to ask him for forgiveness. He would make up a good excuse and he would say how sorry he was and Jaehwan would believe him. He would let go of his jealousy and he would go back to talking to Daniel, little by little, and by the end of the tour everything would be back to normal. They would never know, and Minhyun would go back to dealing with his feelings quietly, like nothing ever happened.

But it’s impossible to forget, to forgive, when there’s a clear and palpable reminder every day and every night right in front of him. When he himself couldn’t run away from it,  when he himself is the one actively searching for it . He couldn’t even understand why he kept doing it - it was like an addiction to him. It was dangerous and self-destructive and yet he couldn’t stop.  He needed to stop. 

And he would. He will, as soon as they leave the country. Not tonight. 

Tonight is different because Jaehwan’s door is not closed. There’s a tiny gap between the door and the doorframe and Minhyun knows it will make it so much easier for him to see -  just like the first time.

They are being careless,  Minhyun thinks.  What if someone sees them?  He laughs humorlessly at his own hypocrisy, at the irony of it all. They probably aren’t doing anything tonight anyway. They aren’t that reckless.

He slowly walks towards the room. He looks in, doesn’t even hesitate.

The scene in front of him is nothing short of obscene. Minhyun is always surprised, always taken aback when he sees them. It will never not startle him, how Jaehwan could be so different, how he could be like  this . 

Daniel is lying in the bed, his back to the headboard and Jaehwan is sitting on top of him, his back on Daniel’s chest. He is almost sliding down and Daniel has to pull him back up, supporting him with a strong arm across his torso. His legs are sprawled open and his cock is stiff and dark and there are pearls of translucent liquid coming from it.

Daniel has two of his thick fingers inside of him, the hand that was supporting Jaehwan’s body traveling down to caress his chest and stroke his cock slowly, enough to make him shudder but not to make him come. He teases Jaehwan like that, pulling his fingers out for a brief moment like he senses when he’s about to come; just to slide them in and abuse his spot again and again, drawing out his pleasure and his agony.

Jaehwan has his pretty lips open in a soundless moan, his neck is arched back, head leaning against Daniel’s shoulder. His throat is completely exposed and he seems to be completely lost in pleasure.

Daniel’s hands are feather light on Jaehwan’s body, going from his neck to his mouth. He traces and caresses Jaehwan lips and Jaehwan sticks his tongue out, trying to suck his fingers like he needs something in his mouth. Daniel pulls them out, laughing at the boy’s state of arousal, then he slides two of his fingers between his lips. Jaehwan sucks and licks around them like it’s candy and Minhyun feels like he is going die.

Daniel pulls his fingers out of Jaehwan’s mouth only to bring them to his cock, rubbing the underside of his wet head. Jaehwan wails and his breath hitches, his hand grabbing Daniel’s arm tight, like he’s warning him. Minhyun can sense Jaehwan’s frustration, he can  taste  it. Jaehwan whines and kicks his legs and Daniel just grins and kisses his cheek teasingly as he holds the boy against his large frame, keeping him up. Daniel seems to be a good lover - playful,  fun,  just like he always is, and that makes Minhyun even more furious, even more jealous. And Jaehwan is just so accepting of him, always so responsive, always so  open.  Minhyun wants him so bad it hurts his bones.

Daniel soon resumes his ministrations. Minhyun could see his fingers move inside of Jaehwan, touching him right where he needs it. He could see Jaehwan’s stomach clench and his cock throb and dribble precome as he rolls his neck to the side, breathing against Daniel’s collarbone.

“Please, please.” He begs, and Daniel doesn’t stop this time, a boyish smirk on his face, his fingers caressing and prodding inside of Jaehwan while his other hand brushes the underside of his thigh. Jaehwan is furiously rolling his hips against Daniel’s fingers and Minhyun is hypnotized. He moans and pleads for Daniel to do it harder, for him to touch him, but it isn’t really needed because a minute later he comes hard, his cock completely untouched, twitching and spurting against his stomach. His orgasm seems to be endless and blinding and it’s such a lovely, painful scene Minhyun can’t even blink.

That’s when Minhyun feels Daniel’s gaze burning at him, catching him completely off-guard. His expression indecipherable, yet undeniably directed at Minhyun and Minhyun just freezes. He’s been caught. He should be running.

Daniel doesn’t panic. He looks away from Minhyun but he doesn’t stop and it’s like he’s challenging him. He turns Jaehwan’s pliable body around and to rub his cock against his ass, and Minhyun hears Jaehwan gasp and that’s when he finally wakes up. He jolts awake and tries to run, falling and stumbling until he gets to his room, his mind turning and turning and his stomach wanting to empty everything out.

*

Daniel corners him the next morning.

They were backstage, waiting to film their Goodbye Stage when Daniel takes him by the arm and locks both of them inside the restroom. Everything happened so quickly that Minhyun didn’t even have the time to react. He prays nobody’s seen it.

Minhyun had spent the entire night figuring ways to explain himself, as well as hoping and praying that Jaehwan hadn’t seen him, that Daniel would take pity on him and not tell Jaehwan what happened. Minhyun doesn’t know how Jaehwan would react, he doesn’t know if he would feel ashamed or betrayed and even if Minhyun managed to convince them it was all an accident, it was almost certain that nothing would be the same again. But with how Minhyun’s been acting around him, around  them , he assumes it wouldn’t be that hard for them to put two and two together. Daniel probably knows it wasn’t the first time. Daniel is smart and Minhyun knows that his own recent behavior around them didn’t really scream “accidental”.

Minhyun’s greatest hope is that Daniel would stay quiet, that he would forgive him, that he would act like nothing happened and Jaehwan would never know what he’s done, what he’s been doing. Minhyun would finally stop and hopefully one day he’ll be able to look Jaehwan in the eye without all of the hurt and shame and desire that altogether plagued him the last couple of weeks.

He would be left with the longing, but that was something he’s already gotten used to.

“Hyung.” Daniel says, snapping him out of his own thoughts. He has a stern expression, but he doesn’t look menacing or aggressive. He never does. “Minhyun-hyung, we need to talk.”

Minhyun takes a deep breath and gets himself ready to say what he had rehearsed in his mind countless times.

“Daniel. I - I'm terribly sorry about last night. It was a mistake and what happens between you and Jaehwan is none of my business.” Minhyun moves his eyes from Daniel’s face and looks at his own feet in an attempt to mask his own fear. ‘I won’t mention it ever again. Just please don’t - ”

“Just cut the bullshit, hyung.” Daniel says as rolls his eyes.

“Excuse me?” Minhyun is half-outraged, half-terrified at Daniel’s response. He wasn’t expecting to be confronted like that.  

“You knew it already. You don’t have to pretend you didn’t.”

“I -” Minhyun isn’t able to come up with a lie. He was caught unprepared. “How - ”

”You haven’t been really subtle in the way you’ve been treating us.” Daniel interrupts him, letting out a sad chuckle. “ And there was that time a couple of weeks ago.” He scratches his nose nervously. “I was sure I closed the door but when I left the room it was open. It was you, wasn’t it?” Minhyun goes back to looking at his shoes. He couldn’t look at Daniel right now. He would break down if he did. “I didn’t think much of it at the time, but then you started avoiding us… I don’t know what you’ve seen and how long you’ve been doing it. I wanted to know why… But I suspect I already do.”

“At first I thought you were disgusted at us.” He continues. “But after last night…”

Minhyun stays silent because he doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t even know the reason himself.

“It’s Jaehwan isn’t it? You have feelings for him.” There is still unsureness in his voice.   

Minhyun tries to talk but nothing comes out of his mouth. He doesn’t have the mental strength to deny it anymore. It was too late to try to fix it.

“Wow, this is fucked up. This is so fucked up, Minhyun-hyung.” Daniel walks back, his back almost hitting one of the bathroom stalls. “But I should’ve known. You have no idea how much he s-” Daniel gulps, interrupting himself. He blinks, shakes his head. “You know what, nevermind.”  

Minhyun suddenly wakes up, Daniel’s words breaking him out of his numbness

“What do you mean - what were you about to say?” Minhyun asks, but Daniel ignores him. Daniel turns around, but before he leaves he opens his mouth again.

“You could have had him, you know? You would’ve realized that if you had paid more attention.” He sounds and looks different now, almost serene. “But now - now it’s too late, hyung. I’m not planning on giving him up.” 

Then he’s out of the door, leaving Minhyun still frozen into place, millions of questions going through his head.

*

Minhyun spends the entire day trying to make sense of what Daniel told him. He needs to talk to him again, had realized that he didn’t even ask him not to tell Jaehwan that he had seen them together. He knows he wouldn’t be welcome, not after what he admitted, but he  has  to try. He has so many questions.

You could have had him , Daniel had said.  But how? When? What does that even mean?

He tries not to hope, tries not reading too much into Daniel’s words. Maybe he was just messing with Minhyun, maybe it was just some sick sort of joke meant to make him feel even worse, like it wasn’t already enough. He didn’t know Daniel would be capable of doing something like this, but again, he doesn’t think he knows anything anymore. He’d  have  to ask; has to know, otherwise he would go crazy.

This time it’s Minhyun who corners Daniel.

He waits for the perfect moment, stands quietly and patiently in the hallway for almost an hour before he hears the footsteps. Daniel is on his way to Jaehwan’s room. It’s time.

Minhyun approaches Daniel, careful enough not to startle him.

“Daniel.” He speaks in a low voice. They are far enough from Jaehwan’s room, but he still needs to be as quiet as possible.

“Minhyun.” Daniel retorts. He sounds hostile this time, dropping the honorific like it’s a statement of his discontentment.

“Can I talk to you for a second?”

“I don’t know, hyung. I don’t think we have much to talk about after this morning. I know enough already.”

“I just - I just need to ask you. Please don’t say anything to him. Please.” Minhyun begs and it’s humiliating, but he has no choice. “I won’t bother you two again but I still… I just don’t want to lose him.” He stumbles over his words. “As a friend.” He adds. “Please don’t tell him what I’ve done. How I feel.”

Daniel sighs. “I won’t. Not because of you, to do you a favor, but because it would break Jaehwan’s heart and I would never want that to happen." Daniel sounds sincere and Minhyun almost feels relieved.

That feeling doesn’t last long.

Minhyun hears a familiar voice only a second after. It’s a voice made for singing; a voice that wasn’t supposed to sound so lost.

“What would break my heart?”

Minhyun closes his eyes. He hadn’t noticed Jaehwan was there, didn’t see him coming, and Daniel also seemed surprised by his presence. Jaehwan’s eyes are full of doubt and hurt. Minhyun’s heart sinks and his hands start to shake.

“I’m - I should leave you guys alone.” Daniel says as he goes to Jaehwan. He holds his hand in a comforting manner before walking away.

“I’m waiting, hyung. I hope that whatever you are going to say will explain the way you’ve been treating me lately.” His words are sharp.  

Minhyun’s eyes map the entire hallway as if he’s trying to find a place to hide. But he knows he has no escape; what’s done is done. He gathers his courage, looks into Jaehwan eyes, and then he speaks.

“I know about you and Daniel. I’ve known it for a while.”

Jaehwan winces at his words. He looks down.  

“Ah. I guess that really does explain everything. You are disgusted at me.” He doesn’t sound surprised, but his voice is weak and filled with pain. Minhyun feels his own heart clench with guilt.

“No, no! I could never be disgusted at you.” Minhyun says and there is urgency in his voice; He instinctively reaches for Jaehwan’s hand, but the boy pulls himself away in a quick movement, as if Minhyun’s touch would burn him.

“So  why ? I just - I just don’t understand, hyung. Why were you being so cold?  And how did you find out?” He sounds so lost. Desolate, even. “Did you - did you see us?”

And there it was. The question Minhyun was dreading the most. He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath.

“Yes.”

“But...when?” Jaehwan barely whispers. “How?”

“Around three weeks ago. I couldn’t sleep and I was heading to the kitchen to get some water.” Minhyun’s hands are behind his back, his fists clenching and unclenching. “And then I heard a noise coming from your room.” Jaehwan looks mortified. He turns his back to Minhyun and leans his head on the wall. “I opened the door to check on you and... I wasn’t expecting to see you two. It was an accident, I swear it was.”

Jaehwan stands there for a moment before he starts pacing around the hallway, hiding his face on his hands.

“I - I thought we were being careful.” Jaehwan speaks and it sounds like an apology.  “God, I’m so -” His voice is shaking. Minhyun never heard him sound like this before.

“You don’t have to. It was my fault. I wasn’t supposed to see it, I know, and I should’ve left immediately but - ” The words keep coming from his mouth like he couldn’t control them. “The way you looked… I just couldn’t stop watching you.” He blurts out. He’s reached the point of no return.

“Wh-what  - ” Jaehwan mutters to himself, looking perplexed. Minhyun doesn’t stop.

“And that’s why I couldn’t talk to you the next day. I couldn’t even  look  at you. Because it would remind me of what I’d seen the night before and I - I wasn’t disgusted. I was sad and - and I was... angry , I think. Angry at Daniel, for having you; at you, for being with him, for giving yourself to him when it was supposed to be me. And mostly at myself, for not walking away. I was angry and I was... mesmerized so I kept coming back -” Minhyun hesitates for a second. “I kept coming every night, and that would make me even angrier and guiltier and it became a cycle I just couldn’t break.” He knows he shouldn’t have said it, knows he will regret each and every word, but the secrets were such a horrible burden that his heart feels immediately lighter after he confesses.

Jaehwan looks like he’s in shock. There are silent tears coming from his eyes and his mouth is open like he wants to say something but can’t find the words.

“I don’t understand…” He whispers.

“I love you. I’m in love with you.” Minhyun blurts out and it’s as easy as breathing.

“I - ” Jaehwan is speechless, immobile. The tears don’t stop streaming from his red eyes.

“You don’t have to say anything. I just hope one day you will find it in your heart to forgive me.” Minhyun’s heart is physically hurting now.

“I don’t understand.” Jaehwan repeats as if he’s talking to himself. “If you feel that way about me, then why… why would you watch me with someone else?”

“Because it was the closest way I had to having you.” Minhyun admits, pathetically. “Because after everything, when I was alone in bed, I would close my eyes really tight and I would imagine you were with me.” Minhyun is still surprised at how  easy  it is for him to say everything. At how calm he sounds. “Instead of him.”  

“Minhyun-ah”

“I’m  so  sorry.” Minhyun interrupts him, scared of what he’s going to say next.

“Minhyun,  listen .” Jaehwan’s voice is full of emotion, as are his eyes. “I was  yours ; body and soul. I was yours from the day you picked me. And it was killing me.”

It takes him a while for Minhyun to process what he’s heard, but when he does it feels like he’s been shot in the heart. He doesn’t say anything, just stares at Jaehwan in bewilderment.

“It was killing me because I was  so  sure you would never love me back.” He pauses for a second, blinking his tears away. “At first I thought you didn’t want men...But then I started to notice the way you and Seongwu-hyung acted around each other and that somehow hurt even more.” Minhyun couldn’t believe Jaehwan’s words. “You looked so beautiful together. You are both perfect, and I’m -  I’m just me .” He smiles sadly and there is so much sorrow and longing in his words and Minhyun doesn’t know how to react.

“I was never angry at him for having you, or at you for wanting him. I just didn’t want to be in love with you anymore because I wanted to be happy for you, for both of you. Because you both deserve it. But it was just  too painful . And I’m too selfish.” He looks away. “Daniel was there for me and it was nothing at first. I wanted to forget and he helped me. But then one thing led to another and… he made me feel wanted, made me feel cared for and I -”  fell for him.  Jaehwan doesn’t say it, but what he means is crystal clear.

Minhyun is still trying to absorb everything Jaehwan just said and he couldn’t believe it. He couldn’t believe what he could’ve had. What he just lost.

“If only I had known…” Jaehwan says to himself.

“I’m still here, Jaehwan, we can still try -” Minhyun has to try, no matter how pitiful he might sound. The way Jaehwan sounded, he might still have feelings for Minhyun. He still has a shot, he knows he has.

“But we  can’t , hyung. How could we? After everything you saw… I feel - I feel dirty. I feel… violated. And there’s Da-”

Jaehwan’s words somehow trigger all the anger and bitterness Minhyun was suppressing. Why didn’t he just tell him?  Why didn’t he wait for him?

“Why did you do it, then?” Minhyun thinks out loud, interrupting him. “Because you didn’t look embarrassed at all when he was fucking you. As a matter of fact, you looked like you were enjoying yourself quite a bit.”

Oh no. No no, what did I say -

Minhyun’s heart fills with regret as soon as the words leave his mouth. He wasn’t supposed to say this, he wasn’t even supposed to  think  this, but his jealousy and resentment got the best of him. It sounded accusatory, even cruel, and Minhyun desperately wants to go back in time.

The way Jaehwan looks at him breaks his heart to pieces and makes him feel incredibly small.

“Why would you say something like that?” His voice is so weak and there’s so much pain and disbelief in the way he sounds, in the way he looks at Minhyun.  “Who are you? ”

How could he fix this?

“I’m sorry. I’m  so  sorry” He pleads, stuttering “I didn’t mean it like that, it just -“  slipped,  he refrains from saying it. It’s way worse than that and Minhyun knows.

“You  know  it’s not about that. It was never about that!” Jaehwan shakes his head and he is angry now. “Why are you trying to make me feel even worse?” He asks “Don’t you think I’ve been humiliated enough?”

Minhyun doesn’t know what to say. Can’t find the words to fix it. So he just stands there, looking at Jaehwan, asking for forgiveness with his eyes.

“Goodbye, hyung.”

And just like that Jaehwan leaves. And Minhyun stays, immobile, watching him walk away.

*

Minhyun couldn’t sleep. It’s way past midnight and it’s pouring outside - he could even hear the whistle of the wind through the windows. It wasn’t normal, a storm like that in mid-September, and it makes Minhyun feel uneasy and agitated, his mouth getting dryer and dryer.

He gets up from the bed, opens the door carefully, silently, so he wouldn’t wake Sungwoon up. He makes his way to the kitchen, his steps slow and sluggish, but before he could get there, when he was walking by Jaehwan’s room, he hears a voice.

He feels his heart drop. He closes his eyes and counts to ten before resuming his path, but then he hears it again and his curiosity beats him once more.

Minhyun kneels to take a peek through the keyhole and it feels too familiar, too easy.

He looks.

They are cuddled together, watching something on Jaehwan’s laptop, laughing and talking, and they look so  happy  and the sight  still  shatters him. He won’t stay, he’s learned his lesson, but before he leaves he swears Daniel looks at the door.

He looks at the door and he  smiles , like he’s seeing right through it, like he’s looking directly at Minhyun.

.