Chapter Text
The gang sit around the bar, both shooting the shit and giving it to each other as usual.
“Charlie, buddy” Mac says from his spot in between Charlie and Dee.
“You cannot continue to tell me that drinking paint is healthy for you. You can’t and you won’t” Mac says definitively, pointing a finger in Charlie’s direction, although the desired air of seriousness is dramatically decreased by the tipsy laugh he huffs out at the end of his sentence.
“Mac, buddy” Charlie starts, matching Mac’s tone.
“I most certainly can tell you that drinking paint is healthy. 4/5 doctors recommend drinking paint for a healthy heart and spine” Charlie says with a wink, letting Mac in on his scientifically backed facts.
“Doctors do not say that” Mac shoots back, not feeling the need to say more.
“Oh my God, will you twerps shut the holy fuck up?” Dee sneers at Mac and Charlie.
“I agree, this is stupid” Dennis says, calmly taking a sip from his beer.
“Yeah Mac shut the fuck up. You know I’m right so let’s move on” Charlie says before taking a huge gulp of his green paint.
“Now listen here, YOU RAT EATING BITCH. I will fucking TEAR YOU TO SHREDS BEFORE I BURY YOU A GODDAMN LIVE” Mac screams as he leaps up in anger.
Dennis leans across the bar and grabs Mac’s hand that is settled on the edge, curled in a fist. Dennis rubs his thumb gently over the top of Mac’s hand until the fist uncurls and Mac settles back down on his stool.
“Dude, chill” Dennis says softly to Mac.
Mac glares at Charlie but ultimately lets out a defeated sigh, like he can’t be bothered to give a shit, and takes a deep pull on his beer. Dennis slowly withdraws his hand.
Frank, who the gang had forgotten about since he had passed out with a loud thunk of his head hitting the bar a few hours back, suddenly sits up.
“Gotta go find my good whore, see you dipshits later” Frank mutters, sounding barely cognitive as he stumbles toward the door, saying something about “avoiding those damn crabs” as he exits the bar.
Dee snorts in laughter after Frank leaves. Dennis looks at her with a raised eyebrow, wondering if she has finally lost her shit. When Dee meets Dennis’ gaze her snort laugh reaches high capacity, that snort could be heard by anyone within the tri state area, hell maybe even all of Pennsylvania could hear it.
“Bitch” Dennis whispers.
Dee just continues to laugh harder as she stares at Dennis, utterly losing it, wheezing and all.
“What’s so funny?” Charlie asks, taking a demure sip of his paint, pinky up.
Dee tries to talk several times but seems to be unable through her thick fog of laughter.
“Dee you eviscerated shrew of a dried up tramp, just SPIT IT the fuck out” Dennis hisses, murder underlying every word in his sentence.
“Frank” wheeze “is getting” wheeze “more pussy than you” Dee cackles, saying the last few words in a hurried stream, getting them out before the laughter takes back over.
Dennis’ face flushes a bright red. Charlie avoids looking in his direction, not wanting to get into the confrontation.
Mac looks on, seeming slightly bored, waiting for this thing to play out. He already knows that Dennis is about to talk for, like, twelve and a half hours about how straight he is. Mac just doesn’t want to deal with Dennis’ whole case of closet syndrome right now.
Mac tries to not think about the fact that Dennis never seemed that straight when they low key/high key fucked for several months a while back, or the times in between then and now, or... well all that doesn’t matter just now as Dennis is hell bent on giving Mac the cold shoulder until the day they die.
“I’ll have you know Dee that I am a God of pussy, a pussy slayer if you will and I will not have you slandering me in our place of business” Dennis spits at Dee, she just giggles quietly in response.
“Oh please Dennis, you couldn’t be less straight if you tried and we all see clear as day how hard you’re trying. I’m sorry but, have you seen yourself? The dudes from queer eye couldn’t make you more gay if they tried, maybe pull you out of that flannel kick you’ve been on for several years, but not gayer and that is saying something” Dee eyes Dennis up and down, like she just knows something he doesn’t.
“Shut the fuck up, you fucking cunt! You dress like a college lesbian and you’re forty. You’re a pathetic, used up, cold bitch who never even got close to accomplishing shit in life. Don’t tell me who I am Dee, like you even know yourself. I love pussy Dee, I love TITS. Explain to me how loving tits makes me gay exactly” Dennis says, very calm. He’s a rational man, he can debate his stupid bitch of a sister all day long and always come out the victor.
Dee sobers up a bit of that but the glint of malice grows stronger in her eye, Dennis waits for the biting comeback he’s bound to receive.
“Dennis, my brother, my twin. I’m not saying that you hate pussy, although you certainly don’t seem to like the women attached to those vaginas very much, but that is beside the point. I’m just saying that you’re not straight and I’m tired of hearing you drone on about how straight you are and then immediately talking about leather or your hair afterwards” Dee says in a tone that would sound sweet to an outsider but is clearly not to anyone who knows our Sweet Dee
“So what? That’s what this is about? I care about my appearance? I don’t want my hair, which takes a lot of effort by the way, to get ruined in the rain? Sorry to break it to you Dee but looking great while shirtless in the duster and enjoying a hearty Pina Colada every now and again doesn’t make me gay, or even bi. Hell, it doesn’t even make me asexual” Dennis says, snide, he has just made the most scholarly remark that’s ever been remarked. LGBTQ scholars everywhere must be shaking, Dennis thinks to himself.
“What are you talking about Dennis? Who said anything about asexuality? You know what never mind, you’re a fucking idiot. And by the way, that whole spiel you just rang off about leather and Pina Coladas is EXACTLY what I’m talking about. You’re acting just like Mac did before he came out, all defensive and ... just...” Dee trails off while trying to think of the perfect way to put this, “so, so gay”
Mac clears his throat, cutting in abruptly
“I showed no outward signs of being gay and that’s just indisputable, don’t drag me into this” Mac says, running a hand through his hair. He totally agrees with Dee but he’s been on thin ice with Dennis for awhile now and he needs to try to stay on his good side.
Dee huffs out a laugh, turning back to Dennis, she hooks a thumb in Mac’s direction.
“See! Even now he denies that he could have been seen as gay back then. You guys are mental gymnasts, too bad there’s not a category in the Olympics for repression because you would both win the fucking gold” Dee says, grinning victoriously.
“We can’t both win the gold Dee, that’s just not ethical” Mac says, looking between Dee and Dennis.
“Do you even know how sports work Dee? You are such an idiot” Dennis says, he pours two shots and downs them quick. Dee zeroes in on the action with the focus of a heat seeking missile.
“Oh is this conversation making the alcoholism jump out? Sorry” Dee says, fake sugary voice coating her words in a thick molasses.
“I’m not trying to hurt your feelings Dennis, and don’t say you don’t have them because we all know that you have BIG feelings okay, in fact it is quite the opposite. I’m trying to pull you out of your misery and get you to be proud of who you are” Dee says, wearing her smug ‘I’m a good samaritan for helping you’ face loud and proud.
“Don’t ever imply you have influence over how I feel Dee. That’s mistake number two” Dennis says to her with a murderous little smile.
“What’s mistake number one?” Charlie asks, looking up from his paint.
“I’m glad you asked that Charlie. Mistake number one was me not eating her in the womb like I did with our brother” Dennis says, chuckling lightly.
“Don’t you take credit for that Dennis! We both absorbed his power and you know it!But back to the topic of hand, don’t think you can distract me from this Dennis. Not when I have irrefutable evidence of your not straightness” Dee says, smile playing across her lips.
Dennis glares at her with the power of a thousand suns. “You know it’s pretty fucked up to try to invalidate my sexual identity. Isn’t that the kind of thing you liberal types are against Dee? Not to mention the fact that you don’t have shit for evidence as I am not gay and as previously stated, am a pussy SLAYER, a master of the pussy arts” Dennis says, trying to hide the sweat about to break on his forehead.
“Ok pussy slayer. Whatever you say” Dee says, throwing her half full beer back and burping loudly.
Dennis knows that he can leave it here and they can go back to giving each other shit about things that don’t make him break out in hives, but he knows this will needle him from the inside out if he doesn’t hear the rest of what his wretch of a sister has planned on saying.
“No Dee, I want to hear your evidence, support your case. I want to hear it so I can laugh at how pathetic your feeble attempts are to puncture my sexual identity” Dennis says, trying to sound casual.
Dee stares at Dennis long and hard, she glances at Mac and Charlie and then looks back at her twin brother, giving a slight nod as if making a decision.
“The way you look at Mac when he’s not looking” Dee says simply, shrugging her shoulders.
Whatever he thought he might hear, he was not expecting that. Dennis’ cheeks grow bright pink and he levels Dee with a glare that would make a flower wilt.
“That’s ridiculous Dee, Mac is annoying as shit and we all hate him” Dennis says, avoiding looking in Mac’s direction although he can’t help but notice the large silhouette of the other man sitting up.
“Mac is annoying as shit, but we all know that you two have been gay for each other since before you even met. When God sat down and made you two, he said ‘they deserve each other’. We’ve all been watching it unfold for years and I for one just want you to stop dancing around it. It’s honestly just sad at this point” Dee says, firing back.
Mac stares hard at the bar, jaw clenched but doesn’t say a word, waiting for Dennis’ response.
“He’s been obsessed with me since high school Dee, that’s what you’ve been seeing. I’ve shown my disinterest on numerous occasions. I couldn’t even think of a reason I liked being his roommate for God’s sake! He’s a stalker, that’s what it is. See Mac? Now I’m being accused because you refuse to leave me alone!”
Dennis is getting more worked up the longer he talks, he feels as if he’s in a box with one small hole punctured at the top. He can breathe now but the air will be gone soon, and then what the fuck is he supposed to do?
Mac stands up from the bar and glares at Dennis.
“Fuck you Dennis. Dee’s right by the way, you reek of self hatred. If I bother you so fucking much, and me being gay, me being myself disgusts you then... I’ll just fuck off out of your life. I’ll be out of the apartment by the end of the night” Mac doesn’t yell for once, but he doesn’t sound dejected either. He sounds like he’s tired and angry, he’s finally gotten to his breaking point.
Dennis just stares wordlessly as Mac quickly strides out of Paddy’s, the door snapping shut behind him.
Charlie slowly withdraws himself, as if he goes quietly enough they will forget he was ever there, and disappears into the basement.
Dennis looks at Dee across the bar, she looks unbothered.
“What the fuck did you just do?” Dennis asks, whispering vehemently.
“Forcing you to make a decision, God knows you’ll never do it for yourself you fucking psycho” Dee says, stating this as if it is the most obvious thing in the world.
“Fuck you bitch” Dennis says, crossing the bar, snatching his keys as he goes.
“Real original, you overgrown tool” Dee says to Dennis’ retreating back.
“Don’t forget that I know you sucked dick in college!” she yells in a sing song voice as he closes the door to the bar.