Archive of Our Own

The first they meet it’s in Ancient Rome.

Off was a gladiator, forced into the life of killing to entertain all the twisted people of Rome when he was taken away from his village, watching all his family get executed by the Roman army. He never intended to fight back, but he found himself incapable of keeping his rage in check whenever he was thrown into the arena. He was told that one day, if he killed enough people, he’d be able to pay a debt he had never knew he had and he’d be free again

Gun was the master’s beautiful son. A man with beautiful and kind features, and Off doesn’t think he had ever seen anyone more beautiful in his entire life.

The master’s son would spend a lot of his time at the balcony that overlooked their training area, often giving sweet smiles whenever Off looked at him. In return, Off just scorned at him, trying to keep his desire to kill the whole family, and everyone complacent with what the Romans did, at a bare minimum every time the man gave him one of his blinding smiles.

When he wasn’t training or killing in order to survive, Off would often entertain the idea of being able to be a free man again while hearing stories of rebellion.

It was when Off almost died in the arena that Gun first sneaked out to see him, with the help of the other slaves. The other man had gone there to make sure Off would make it through the night, dotting on him the days he had been recovering for his injuries.

It’s two days later, after Off is all recovered, when Gun timidly asks if he can kiss him, and Off eagerly lets him.

Gentle touches and kind words were something Off wasn’t used to anymore. Since he had been taken away no one asked him what he wanted, everyone just simple forced him to do everything and he couldn’t afford to say no. Being with Gun was a breath of fresh air that finally brought him back some happiness again.

It’s in one of the nights where they were a mess of tangled limbs on the floor, with only Gun’s toga covering their sweaty bodies, that they realized they had the same birthmark on their wrists. They are weirdly shaped and it kind of looks like the moon, Gun points out.

They have no idea what it means, but they still smile, entertaining the idea that maybe they are meant to be.

As time went by they became sloppier when sneaking around, so it was just a matter of time before Gun’s father realized that his son was in love with a slave and had been sneaking around every night to be with him.

He orders for Off to be killed in the arena where his son could witness the execution of the man he loved with all his being. The last thing Off sees before his head is cut off is Gun raising from his chair sobbing uncontrollably and begging his father to make it stop.

Gun’s pain is so great that in an attempt to lessen it he ended up setting every slave free before taking his own life, in hopes of being reunited with the person he had loved the most in his life.

*

When they meet again Off is the Emperor of China and Gun is the General he trust with his whole life. They’ve been friends since they were little kids, and it’s a lot of years before they remember their past life and what they were to each other, but all that does is deepen the love they already felt for each other.

People talk. They talk a lot about how both of them have too many meetings, that they are too close, or why won’t the Emperor get married to a nice girl. Gun hears it all, but he always forgets about the hushed voices and the way people look at him whenever he looks at Off.

“Do you think we’ll be happier in this life?” Gun had asked on night, his head resting on the other man’s chest.

“Of course, we will,” he reassures him, hugging him tight. “Anyone who theres come between us will only meet great pain and death!” He adds dramatically.

Gun giggles against the other man’s chest and Off laughs, brushing his finger through Gun’s hair. “As if you would ever do that. You can’t even bring yourself to kill a spider,” he kindly points out.

“For you I would kill everyone,” he simply replies, bringing Gun’s wrist to his lips and planting a kiss on the birthmark that’s just like his own.

Off had meant every single word he had said to Gun that night, and all the nights before and after that, he really did. But power is an ugly thing and people who crave power are capable of the most twisted actions just to make sure no one stands in their away, and Off… Off’s biggest flaw was being to gullible and loving to much, to the point that when he felt betrayed he was capable of the most atrocious actions.

The people around Off, his advisors, always feared Gun and how much Off trusted him so blindly. The older man trusted Gun’s advices above anyone else’s, and that made a lot of people angry and jealous of the power the other man’s words and advices had on the young Emperor.

In the beginning it was hard to make the Emperor believe that Gun would ever betray his country; that he would ever betray him. But these men played with Off’s biggest insecurities and little by little he started to believe that the man he trusted the most didn’t care about him at all.

Soon enough Off fully believed Gun was selling information to the enemy and Off sent Gun’s own soldiers to arrest him for treason.

“What are you doing?” He demands as his men hold him and drag him away from his room.

His men can’t even bring themselves to look him in the eye. “The Emperor ordered us to arrest you.”

And to Gun that just didn’t make any sense at all. They had to be wrong, this was clearly a mistake. They were supposed to have their happy ending in this life. Off had promised. Off had told him so time and time again and he had believed it.

When the time came to execute Gun for treason in front of the whole town, Off started to doubt himself and his reasons; he started wondering if anything he was told was true. Because how could Gun, his Gun, do this to his own country — to him?

With trembling hands he picks up the sword and walks up to the man he had once confessed his undying love to.

“Please!” the younger man pleads, tears falling down his face. “I didn’t do it! I would never betray you like this.”

At that Off still says nothing. He hasn’t said anything to him since he was arrested.

“You said you would kill anyone who dared to come between us,” Gun reminds him, and this time he looks Off in the eye, but the other man looks away. “You promised we’d be happier and you lied,” he spits.

“Enough!” The young Emperor yells as he puts the sword right through his lover’s heart.

When he realizes what his done it’s too late, Gun is coughing up blood. Off takes out the sword, in a desperate attempt to take back what he had just done, and he drops it, as if it was burning his trembling hands.

He forces himself to walk away, tears in his eyes threatening to fall, pretending he doesn’t hear Gun choking up on his own blood, groaning in pain and trying so desperately to call out Off’s name before silence settles in and Off realizes he just killed the most important person in his life.

After that he became a ruthless Emperor, not listening to anyone’s advices — not even his mom’s, who he had always listened even if in the end the word’s he took more into to consideration where always Gun’s.

As time passes, his pain becomes greater. He becomes bitter, vengeful, angrier, and kills everyone that had come between him and Gun, even if he finds out that it doesn’t lessen his pain and guilt in the slightest.

He spends the rest os his life trying to make it right, trying to get rid of all the guilt and pain that consumes him every awaking moment, even if he knows it’s all in vain and that all he deserves is nothing but to suffer until his last day on earth.

*

It’s a lot of centuries before they meet each other again. They are country men in Japan and Off remembers.

He remembers everything, from how they met to how it felt holding Gun in his arms, kissing his lips and have him all to himself. He remembers how it felt to take his life away and how he felt like he had died too in that very moment.

They are country men in Japan and Gun doesn’t remember.

Not when Off introduces himself to him and his wife and kids, and not when Off casually mention’s the other man’s birthmark, that looks just like the moon, and how he had one that’s exactly the same (he doesn’t mention how they always thought that it meant that they were meant for each other).

Off leads a life of solitude. He never really speaks with anyone, only doing so when it’s necessary or when Gun comes by his house, sent by his wife because she thinks Off is too lonely. But even then they don’t talk much, the younger man preferring to stay quiet the few minutes he spends with Off when he comes by his house.

Off fears letting something slip about their past lives together, or just break down and cry  in front of the other man, so he barely talks and he never looks Gun in the eye; doesn’t feel worthy to do so.

He knows the other man is not too fond of him. He knows that he dreads the moment his wife sends him to go to Off’s small house with food and to see if his taking good care of himself, and Off can’t really blame him, if anything he thinks it isn’t punishment enough for everything he did.

When they came they were unprepared, they could’t fight back and their ends were written before they even knew it.

They didn’t know how the country was full of greedy military warlords wanting to increase their illusion of power and their territory, they didn’t know villages were being raided and most of its habitants killed without mercy.

When Gun was on his knees begging the men for mercy, to let his family go and to just kill him instead, Off was powerless. He couldn’t do anything while he saw Gun and his whole family being killed. Even if he wasn’t the one putting that sword through Gun’s heart, it still felt like he was the one killing him all over again.

Off’s cries soon come to an end when the same sword kills him, whispers of Gun’s name dying on his lips.

*

It’s the beginning of the 16th Century, the time where European countries have taken upon themselves to claim lands that weren’t theirs, committing mass murder and rape all in the name of discovering new land.

Off is an eighteen year old living in France, helping his father make armors and swords.

Gun is a family man in Portugal, in love with the sea and mesmerized by the romantic idea of a world beyond what they know.

Off remembers everything. He remembers Gun’s desperate sobs as he died in an arena, he remembers the desperation and pain in Gun’s face when he had killed him, and Gun’s desperate sobs as he plead for his family’s life are all Off can hear whenever he tries to sleep.

For Gun the small birthmark on his wrist is just that, a birthmark that doesn’t mean anything, but for Off it was everything. It was a beautiful man with perfect features and a kind heart, a man that he had hurt, a man that he loved more than anything in every life he had ever lived.

They always had entertained the idea that they were soulmates, always meant to be; and after all the stories his mom had told him in this life, he truly believed that it was true.

Gun, being a man of the sea, an adventurer, took his opportunity to go on a ship to discover more about the what was out there, leaving his family behind, he didn’t think twice before deciding to go, excited with the prospect of new land and new people.

Gun never gets to see the what more the world has to offer, his ship never arriving to its destiny and no one could never tell what really happened to it.

Off ends up living his whole life for his parents, helping his dad with his business, taking care of both his mom and dad once they were old and could no longer do the things they used to, and keeping the family’s business; but not even once does he forget about Gun. About the way he smelled and the way it felt when they touched. He could never forget his perfect features and the way his smile was blinding, or how his laugh sounded.

Off never forgets, even when he wants to, and he dies wanting for Gun, never knowing what had happened to him. And perhaps this was the universe’s way of punishing Off for what he had done, but acknowledging that didn’t mean it hurt any less.

*

It’s the 1830s, they are students in Paris.

Gun is the revolutionary leader of a group of idealist university students who dream too high and believe they can change France and end monarchy. Off is a drunk cynic who drowns his pain in every bottle he can find, but who finds himself drawn to Gun’s light once again.

If Gun is the light, then Off is the blind man who craves it. He craves every little bit of attention the other man gives him, good or bad, but even if Off argues with everything Gun says the other man never tells him to leave.

Off tried to resist. When he stumbled upon the Musain and saw Gun, he tried to leave him alone. But he craved the other man’s presence, he couldn’t keep himself away from him. A life time without him had been hell.

“There’s no use in even trying,” the drunk man says. “Unless you want to die in vain,” he looks at Gun and takes a sip from his bottle.

“The people will rise with us, you’ll see!” The leader says, annoyed at Off for the nth time that day.

“You trust our people too much, but I wouldn’t old my breath. The moment they see the guard coming at all of you with guns and cannons they won’t hesitate to leave you all alone to fend for yourselves.”

Off’s words always come out bitter and somewhat angry, because while Gun trusts too much in people’s humanity, in  their power to be able to change their country, Off doesn’t trust people. He doesn’t trust himself not to hurt Gun again, he’s seen how the universe can be cruel, how people are bad and in their worst moments they are capable of the most unthinkable actions.

“You’re just a useless drunk,” Gun spits with anger.

At that Off says nothing because Gun’s not really that far from the truth.

Most nights they both forget their differences in opinion, they forget their fights, and Off forgets all the bad things, and they let themselves love each other. They love each other like their lives depend on it, sweet words dripping out of their mouths, hands on skin that set each other on fire. Off takes every little bit he can get because he’s selfish, because he knows they are never gonna end up happy.

On those nights Off truly believe in something.

The nights that find Off getting drunk in some shady bar and Gun on his mattress on the floor, tossing and turning, are the nights their fights cant be solved with soft kisses and apologies, the nights where Off can’t forget and his head replays the sound of Gun choking on his own blood time and time again. It consumes him and it only stops when he finally passes out drunk.

The night before their failed, poor planed, rebellion starts, Off and Gun find themselves on the leader’s mattress. They’re just laying down, Gun resting his head on Off’s chest and the older man is running his fingers through his hair, sometimes planting small kissed on the top of his head while Gun talks about his concerns.

This time was always when Off got to see the vulnerable side of Gun; the side of him that isn’t so sure about what his doing, the side of him that doubted himself once in a while, the side of Gun no one got to see but him.

Off knows it’s not fair of him to ask, but he still does anyway because for once he wants Gun to be happy. He doesn’t want Gun to die, and he doesn’t want him to be in pain. “Please don’t do it,” he whispers, lips resting against the other man’s head.

Gun looks up, fixing his eyes on Off’s. “I have to!” And it sounds more defensive than intended in the first place.

“No, you don’t,” Off replies, still has calm as he always is. “How can you waste your life on a useless revolution? How can you just— Just not care? Does your life not matter at all to you?”

Why couldn’t Gun understand that Off was trying to save him.

Gun gets up, and then they are both looking at each other, the leader’s fiery stare making Off feel like all he does is disappoint Gun. No matter what life they are living, he can never do anything right.

“It’s because I care that I’m doing it!” Gun says, his voice rising. Off always manages to make him so angry with such little words. “Do you not understand the importance of what we’re doing?”

“What?! Giving yourselves a death sentence for a world that won’t change?” Off yells. “Do you think anyone will care if a few university students die? They won’t, oh fearless leader!” He mocks.

The leader is putting his boots on, getting ready to leave even tho it’s his room. “The world is ugly and it won’t change just because you decide to rebel against it,” Off adds bitterly.

“Maybe I won’t be able to change it all at once,” Gun says, and even though it barely shows, Off knows he’s hurt. He always is when Off reminds him just how much of a cynic he really is. “But it will be a start.”

“All you’re gonna be left with is disappointment and death.”

“You’re incapable of believing in anything,” Gun says reaching for the door.

“I believe in you.”

Gun scoffs, taking one last look at Off before he leaves.

When he comes back later, Off is long gone, his spot on the bed cold and empty.

Gun sees Off again the next day. They have built their barricades and the drunk man is supporting a win bottle, as usual, and pretending he’s listening to the boys incessant chatting.

“What are you doing here if you don’t believe in anything we’re rebelling against?” He scorns.

“I told you, I believe in you,” the man simply says.

And it’s the truth. No matter where, no matter what, Off would always follow Gun blindly. Even if that led to his own death. If he could give his life to spare Gun the disappointment and pain that it’s waiting for him, he would without a second thought.

He doesn’t even know how it happened. He passed out and when he wakes up it’s a mess of guns and cannons being fired, their friend’s being killed merciless by the National Guard.

Gun hates that Off was right, that people turned their back on them as soon as the guard arrived, locking them out on the streets to fend for themselves.

Gun doesn’t even have the time to mourn for his dear friends, who had all died right in front of him just moments before, he doesn’t even have time to be shocked. He’s on the second floor of the Musain, surrounded by the National Guard, and he knows he’s gonna die because he’d rather die for something he believes in than surrender himself like a coward.

Then someone behind the guards shouts “Vive la révolution!” and makes his way to stand next to Gun.

Before the guards shoot bullets against the two lovers, Gun reaches for Off’s hand, taking his wrist to his lips and planting a kiss on the other man’s birthmark, and gives him a smile.

Off in all his cynicism and mocking words still found it in himself to believe in the words of a man who wanted to change the country and was ready to sacrifice his life for it. Death wasn’t something that scared Off, in fact, it was something he longed for just so he could finally put an ending to his suffering.

Until his very last breath Off still didn’t believe in change and people, but he believed in Gun, and for him, he was ready to die as many times as he needed to.

And Gun… Gun in his very last moments saw the truth about the world. How people, in fear, would rather stay quiet than fight for what is right and for a life they deserve. But in his last moments he also saw the man he loved, the cynic, the one who believed in nothing but a foolish student with hopes of making France a better nation, stand up for something he never believed in, even if it killed him in the end.

*

It’s the 1950s, there’s tension between the United States and the Soviet Union that had everyone fearing the beginning of another world war when they hadn’t recovered from the last one just years ago.

Gun is a twenty-five year old CIA agent, and he doesn’t remember.

Gun has strange dreams. It’s always a faceless man, but he knows it’s always the same person. Every night he dreams of touches that set his body on fire, of two men that loved each other too much. He dreams about death, and he dreams about pain, but he doesn’t now what any of it means. Doesn’t even know if it means anything.

He can’t really go out and talk about it to anyone, because chances are he’ll just be shoved into a mental institution left for dead.

The birthmark on his wrist had always been an inconvenience, throbbing with pain at the most random times. Sometimes a pain so great that it would make him feel like he’s suffocating. He doesn’t understand, so he shoves it into to the back of his mind and tries to tell himself he’s not going crazy.

It’s days later when he’s assigned to a new mission. A man that has been selling intel to the Russians, and when he’s going through photos of the target he realized the resemblance between his and the man’s mark on his wrist. It feels weird, like he found the one thing he had been searching for all his life, even thought he wasn’t searching for anything at all, much less a man.

It made him think back to the soulmate stories his mom used to feed him and his siblings back when they were little. They were nice stories to listen to and dream of when you’re a kid that doesn’t no better, but once you grow up you kind of grow out of that fantasy world. It just wasn’t logical. There was no real science that could prove it, they were just stories people told, nothing more, so Gun forced himself to forget about it.

He takes longer than he should’ve with his mission.

Off is a British spy selling secrets to the Russians and Gun inserts himself into the other man’s life until he’s in too deep, until he does the one thing he should never do — fall in love with a target.

Gun consumes Off’s presence as if his life depends on it, he loves the other man with such intensity that sometimes he fears what will happen to him when the mission eventually comes to an end — either by his hands, or someone else’s.

Maybe Off was just what he had needed all his life, maybe if they had met in other circumstances, in another life, maybe then they could’ve made it work. Maybe then they would’ve been happy, but right now they are Gun and Off, and Gun has a mission to do, no margin for errors.

He never finds out the reason why Off is selling secrets to the Russians. What he finds out, though, is that he had the dumbest laugh in the world, that sounds just like sweet music to his ears, that he’s kind and gentle, and has a heart of gold. He finds that he writes to his parents every day without fail (and if he misses one day he’ll just write two the next day). He finds that the unhappiness he felt always looming over his head like a dark cloud, disappears when Off comes into his life full of light and beautiful smiles. But he’s also reminded that the world is a cruel place and people like him aren’t deserving of a happy ending,.

“Do you believe in soulmates?” Off asks one night.

“We found our way to each other, didn’t we?” Is the only reply Gun offers before he kisses the older boy all over his face, the two of them a giggling mess under the sheets of their bed.

Gun didn’t believe in soulmates. Didn’t think the world would be so cruel to put Off in his life just to have him being taken way, but for Off he’s willing to pretend.

Off still remembers, and by know he knows he’s being punished by the universe for whatever he might’ve done. Gun doesn’t remember and he’s had lost hope that he ever will life times ago.

He knows how all this will end. He knows Gun will have to kill him, and if not him, someone will, and he’s okay with that. He’s made peace with his fate a long time ago, it doesn’t bother him anymore, so he tries to make the best he can of the moments he has with Gun.

It’s not dying that bothers him, it’s not even his own pain, it’s that he has to see Gun suffer again and again no matter what he tries to do to stop it.

Sometimes, when he’s sleeping next to Gun he’ll awake up screaming from all the nightmares, pain filling his whole body. Gun worries during those times, and it’s a while before Off can calm down, but still he can’t seem to bring himself to tell the truth to the other man.

Gun doesn’t remember, and maybe it’s for the best.

The world is cruel and Gun is a coward.

When the time comes to finally give Off away for treason Gun feels numb through the whole interrogation, trying too hard to keep his emotions at bay and keep his tears from falling, while his colleagues beat Off to the point where the man could barely speak.

It’s not Gun that shoots him, but he feels like he was the one who pulled the trigger either way. He could’ve told Off, he could’ve helped him escape. Hell, he could’ve escaped with him, Lord knows how much this life he wearing him out, but he didn’t. He is a coward. He’s a very bad person and he doesn’t think he can live with that anymore.

Before the agent shoots him, Off looks at him. “It’s not your fault, ok?” And Gun can’t even bring himself to look at the man. “I love you,” Off whispers, giving the younger man a smile he never deserved when he finally looks up to look at the man in front of him.

When Off dies Gun can feel himself die with him.

*

It’s 2019 and no one understands the concept of soulmates, people don’t really know if they even exist. It’s sort of like a myth someone people just take as factual, even though there’s no science explanation for any of the reports around the world.

People often throw the word soulmate when they meet someone who shares the same interests as them, someone who makes them feel like they are on top of the world, someone who, one way or another, completes them. That’s what a soulmate is for most of the world’s population, be it romantic or platonic.

To Off a soulmate is Gun. It’s the man that makes him happy in every life time, it’s the pain and the happiness, it’s the sleepless nights and the nights were he’s comforted by the thought that as long as he and Gun don’t meet the other man will be happy.

He can’t forget how it feels to love Gun and to be loved by him, no matter how much he tries to. He can still feel Gun’s burning touch on his skin and the weight of his lips on his.

He’s twenty-eight years old and he’s a college drop out working at a bookstore were people never come in. The payment is shit but he doesn’t complain, he loves the quietness around the place during most of the day. You’d think that being surround by silence would make it worse for him, but he finds comfort in the silence as opposed to the noise that only reminds him of unhappy times.

The only time the bookstore is noisy is when Tay, or any of the other boys, decide to show up.

The memories had always started to appear around the age of sixteen, it had always been like that and this time it was no different. He woke up screaming in the middle of the night, a pain in his chest that was making it hard to breathe. His parents got so scared they rushed him to the nearest hospital, but by the the time they got there he was already feeling and breathing better, and he knew exactly what it had meant, but his mom and dad still insisted he should be seen by a doctor. All the exams he had done had come out alright, and after that he just had to start living with all those same memories for as long as he was alive.

The memories never came all at once, it wasn’t like some scene in a movie where he spaces out for two seconds and sees all his past lives pass by. They come little by little as he grows up, and at the most random times too. Sometimes he’d be in class and someone would say something, or he would touch something, and that would trigger a memory.

After that he stayed the weird kid until he finished high school.

By the time he got to college the memories had already stopped coming, but the pain and the emptiness he felt were a constant. He felt it difficult to focus on his studies, and he found himself running away from people just so he didn’t end up bumping into Gun.

He missed him, more than words could ever express, he longed for his presence and for his touch, he wished he could hear his sweet laugh again, but he knew if Gun found him it would be his death sentence. He couldn’t let that happen, not again.

University’s hectic environment was too much for him. The constant noise, the big crowds, it always felt like he was grasping for air. So before the beginning of his last year, Off decided to drop out. His parents, even if they didn’t totally agree with the decision he was making, never questioned him, and for that Off is eternally grateful because he doesn’t think he’d have the heart to lie to them again.

He’s behind the counter reading a book, the owner’s cat lazying around by the window, when the bell on top of the door rings, indicating someone entering the store. He looks up and frowns. “Oh, it’s you.”

“What a warm welcome,” Tay says.

“You know I try,” Off replies, not taking his eyes away from the book.

“Don’t you get tired of being such a Debbie Downer all the time?” His best friend asks, sitting on the armchair they have by the window. Mr. Fuzzy, the cat, stretches and makes his way to Tay’s lap. “At least someone here is happy to see me.”

“I never said I wasn’t happy to see you,” Off defends himself.

“It’s just your general aura and attitude. That’s why this place never gets any costumers.”

Off just hums and Tay sighs.

They stay a few minutes in silence until Tay gets bored and gets up to see what the hell Off is reading. These days that’s all he does. He reads so many books that Tay often wonders if he does anything else during his free time.

“The June Rebellion?” Tay reads as he picks up the book glued to his friend’s hands. “A failed student rebellion. Really? Didn’t you have anything a little less depressing?”

“Not really, no.”

“Why are you even reading that?”

He just shrugs and Tay knows better than to continue this topic of conversation.

Off feels the cat nuzzling against his legs and picks him up to put him on top of the counter where the sun is lightning the surface.

“I told you New is coming back, right?”
“Yeah, only like five hundred time per day,” Off points out, his eyes still not leaving the book in front of him, even if his not reading anything anymore.

New had been gone for a couple of weeks on a business trip and Tay couldn’t shut up about his boyfriend being back. He can’t blame him, if it was him and Gun in the same position he wouldn’t shut up about it either, in fact he’d remind the whole world every day that he was dating Gun.

“I wanted to ask yo—“

“No!” Off says firmly before his best friend can even finish whatever he was going to say.

“No?” Tay asks. “What do you mean, no? You didn’t even let me finish.”

“But I already know what you are going to ask, and the answer is no,” Off replies.

“Oh, c’mon! The boys haven’t seen you in ages. New hasn’t seen you in ages!” Tay argues. “Plus, it will be on the weekend, there’s still three days until then. Can you at least think about it for more than two seconds?” Tay asks, and when Off looks up he’s doing his very dangerous puppy look.

“That look only works on your love sick boyfriend, not me,” Off laughs, and Tay knows he will think about it more seriously, even if the answer might still end up being no.

As it happens, three days later finds Off in Tay and New’s apartment for New’s welcome back party, and as luck would have it everyone and their mother was there, when Tay had told him that it would just be them and the boys.

New was away for two weeks, maximum, and everyone was acting like he had come back after an absence of a decade.

He knows a handful of people at the party, so he finds himself sat in the corner of the living room after having stolen a pack of gummy worms from Tay, sipping on a Capri Sun and looking like a dumbass for believing the words that come out of Tay’s mouth.

“You look pathetic,” Sing states when he sits on top of the coffee table in front of Off.

“Thanks. It was the look I was going for,” he says. “Along with being lied to by my friends about this being a quiet welcoming party.”

“Aw, don’t be so butt hurt. Going out will do you some good,” Sing says, completely dismissing Off’s crankiness.

“Bet you won’t be saying that when I start having a panic attack with all these people here.”

“That hasn’t happened in while, Off. Don’t be so pessimistic.”

Off rolls his eyes and finishes his Capri Sun, slurping on it loudly, trying to be dramatic but only making Sing laugh.

He needs better friends.

Off is silently looking around, his ass still glued to the same spot ever since he arrived. He takes out the bag of gunny worms he’d stolen earlier and starts eating them as he thinks of away of ditching the party without his friends noticing.

He feels someone sit in the chair next to him when he’s half way through plan B, but he doesn’t pay much attention until the man starts to speak. “Don’t know anyone here either, huh?”

He’d know that voice anywhere, and he didn’t need to look to his side to know that Gun was the man by his side. He felt it everywhere on his body.

“Not much of a talker, I see,” he chuckles, and Off can feel the lump starting to for on his throat. It’s been so long since he’s seen Gun, since he’s heard him. “I’m Gun, by the way,” and reaches out to shake Off’s hand.

“I’m sorry,” Off manages to choke out before he runs out of there, bumping into a few people on his way out, the voices of his friends calling out his name going completely ignored.

Once he reaches the street he completely collapses outside the building. His clothes feel too tight and he can’t breathe. His trembling hands reach to the collar of his hoodie, trying to loosen it around his neck.

He feels a hand on his shoulder and turns around to see Tay crouching in front of him.

“Hey, Off look at me. Listen to my voice,” he faintly hears Tay’s voice. “Just breathe with me, please Off, c’mon.”

He tries to but it’s hard, it’s like he doesn’t remember how to breathe. Everything is spinning, and all he can see is Gun dying in front of him, the way his own sword had pierced through Gun’s heart, and the sound of Gun’s pleads, and how he was choking on his own blood trying to call Off’s name, echoing in his head, and he can’t do it. He just wants everything to stop.

Off tries his best to mimic Tay’s breathing, a hand rubbing his chest trying to sooth the pain, and gradually he can feel his breathing start to go back to normal. 

He brings his hands to his face and feels his cheeks wet. “I’m sorry,” he tells Tay, who’s still crouched in front of him.

“You have nothing to apologize for, you know that, right?” Tay says but Off ignores him, trying to lift himself up from the floor.

His legs feel weak and he has trouble keeping himself steady. He feels exhausted.

“Still…”

“Don’t you think it’s time you go see a doctor?”

Off rolls his eyes, it had been a while since Tay last brought up the topic of seeing a doctor. Off continuously refused to do so because there was really nothing that could be done for him. He didn’t want to be on meds, he sure didn’t wanna be seen as some crazy man in his late twenties that was confusing fantasy with reality.  Because this is real, his pain is real. Gun is real.

“Please, don’t… Not right now, Tay.”

He’s too tired to fight. He just wants to go home and sleep.

Off refuses any help from Tay to take him home and calls a taxi for himself, Tay refusing to leave his side until he sees him inside the taxi driving away.

Even if Off wanted to avoid meeting Gun, he still entertained the thought of being able to meet him once again, and maybe they could finally be happy this time around. That’s all he wanted, he wanted to be happy. Just once, he wanted to laugh more than he cried, he wanted to feel happiness more than he felt pain.

He imagined meeting Gun and he would remember Off, he’d look at him and he’d just know. He’d hold Off and he’d never let him go. Being in Gun’s arms had always been Off’s favorite place in the world, it was the only place that felt like home.

But he knew, deep down, that if Gun ever remembered he’d never forgive him.

What he never imagined was meeting Gun at Tay’s apartment, just the idea that Gun had been friends with his friends makes his head spin, wondering how they had never met until now. But he guess that’s how it’s supposed to be.

He pretends it doesn’t hurt knowing Gun doesn’t know who he is once again.

People have always complained about how small Off’s apartment was, but Off thinks it’s cozy, he’s the only one living here, why would he want a bigger place?

Big places meant more things to clean, and Off was good just like this. It’s got a nice kitchenette, a room and a bathroom, and it has a lot of natural light that comes inside the apartment through the big windows — which had been his only demand when he was looking for a place to live. On top of all that, the rent is way too nice for the apartment it is, so he really can’t complain, he has everything he wants to live happy.

Everything except Gun, a little voice in his head provides.

As Off lays on his bed, taking in the few rays of sunshine that are still coming into the apartment, he wonders is maybe Gun had recognized him and that was why he had approached him. He wanted to be optimistic.

“Don’t be stupid,” he tells himself.

We wonders if their paths would ever cross again in the future, and tried not to get his hopes up. Now that he knew how to find Gun, avoiding him just seemed like an unfathomable idea to Off.

Turns out he didn’t have to wonder for too long, seeing as Gun himself is standing in front of him at his work place; a very smiley Tay and New just right behind him.

Off’s holding Mr. Fuzzy who, to no one’s surprise, is sleeping soundly against the man’s chest. “Not to be rude or anything,” he starts. “But are you doing here?” His question was obviously directed at Tay and New and, from Gun’s giggles, he knew that too.

“Always so nice,” New says and Off rolls his eyes, even though he’s smilling.

“We thought we should maybe bring some life into this hole of pessimism and bad vibes.”

Off thinks Tay probably gets off on being a fucking smartass, especially to him.

“I’m just here for the books,” Gun says. He gives Off his biggest and warmest smile, and Off can’t even bring himself to feel disappointed that Gun isn’t there for him.

Off nods. “If you need any help just call me.”

Gun leaves to wander off between the shelves in the store, but before he does he gives Off another blinding smile. And if Off’s being honest, the sun has nothing on Gun.

“So, what’s with the creepy smiles you both have on your faces?” Off asks, gesturing to both men’s faces.

“Well, Gun needed some books and this store obviously needs some clients, so we decided to bring him here,” New explains.

“Hmm, sure.”

“Oh, you think he’s attractive,” Tay says in a surprised hushed tone, so Gun, who had disappeared behind all those shelves, wouldn’t be able to listen.

“I would deny it, but then that would lead to an unnecessary discussion and I’m not in the mood,” he confesses. “But yes, your friend is really attractive. Very cute too,” and he can’t help the smile that appears o his face.

He tries to hide it, but he can see Tay caught him, even if he doesn’t tease him about it.

Gun is not very tall, has never been, and his preference for clothes a couple numbers above his own make him look cuter than he already it. Even though Off much prefers when he wears clothes that fit is body, he doesn’t complain, he likes seeing Gun in whatever his comfortable in. And Gun’s face, it looked as if it had been sculpted by the Gods themselves, his perfect plump lips and his beautiful eyes, Off loved everything about him.

“I see…” Tay smiles mischievously and turns to look at Gun, who’s already holding some books but still going through the shelves.

“Don’t even think about it,” he warns the man.

He gets out from behind the counter and puts Mr. Fuzzy on the armchair, petting his tiny head.

“I’m not gonna do anything I swear,” his best friend holds his hands up as if to surrender.

Off turns to New. “If your other half right here,” he points at Tay. “Even thinks of trying to play matchmaker, get ready to become a widower.”

They both laugh at him and Off frowns, regretting ever befriending them in the first place.

Tay and New had been gone for a few minutes when Gun finally comes back to the counter with a bunch of books in hand.

“I’ll take these, thank you,” he smiles politely at Off, and the older man can’t seem to stop smiling himself whenever his in Gun’s presence.

“Didn’t know you were friends with Tay and New,” Gun attempts to start a conversation. “You seemed pretty out of place at the party the other day.”

Oh, so he remembered him from the party. Meaning he also remembered how Off bolted as soon as he looked at him.

“Yeah… I’m not good with big crowds. I thought it would be fewer people, that’s why I was… You know.”

Gun chuckles at Off’s awkwardness and the conversation stops there. Off is glad Gun doesn’t bring up how he ran away from the party after he had introduced himself.

“It’ll be $43.56, please.”

Gun drops the money on the counter. “You can keep the change,” says, and leaves the store waving goodbye and humming a song Off doesn’t recognize.

It’s only when Gun leaves that he realizes the slight tingle on his wrist, reminding of the matching birthmark they share.

After that day Gun’s visits to the bookstore increase, and so does Tay’s incessant teasing.

At first he had tried to avoid him, had even tried to keep their interactions and conversations to a minimum, which left both Tay and New confused. It was obvious Off was comfortable in Gun’s presence, it was painfully obvious that his mood shoot up whenever the smaller man was around, but still Off tried to put a barrier between the two of them.

He eventually realized that the more he kept Gun away the more painful it was for him, nightmares would increase and his birthmark would burn, so he decided to be selfish once more, and he prayed that he wouldn’t be Gun’s ruin once again.

Thinking back to it, even if this whole soulmate thing didn’t exist, even if Off wasn’t stuck reincarnating over and over again just to see Gun get taken away from him in the most cruel ways possible, even if he didn’t remember anything, it would always be Gun. No matter what, no matter the time and place, he would always fall in love with his laugh, his affectionate manner, his kindness and the way he cares for everyone — even with all his stupid attempts at trying to flirt with Off, even then he would still fall in love with Gun.

Gun fit right into the vacant space that was in his heart, and there was no point in trying to fight that.

Off hears the bell of the bookstore but he doesn’t even have time to greet whoever it is before he hears Gun speak. “Does your left eye hurt? Because you’ve been looking right all day,” he clicks his tongue and winks at the older boy, before making his way behind the counter to place a kiss on Off’s neck.

It had become a normal thing for them once Off had decided to let Gun in. Gun was very affectionate, and even though Off was never one for receiving physical affection, he found that he didn’t mind it at all when it was Gun doing it. He had craved it for so long that even now it still feels too little for him.

“Oh my God, they are getting worse.”

“I’m hurt,” Gun feigns offense, a hand over his chest for added dramatics. “I got some more, if you want.”

“Slow down, Casanova,” Off laughs.

It’s a rather warm Sunday afternoon for Spring and Off’s wearing a t-shirt, otherwise he would toast under the rays of sunshine that enter the store, and it isn’t until Gun points out excitedly to his wrist that Off even remembers about their matching birthmark, or soulmate marks, or whatever you want to call them.

“I have the exact same one, look!” Gun says all too excited, rolling the right sleeve of his hoodie.

Off tries to bite his tongue not to say that, yes, he knows, and just lets Gun run his thumb over his birthmark. When he does it, it’s like a jolt of electricity goes through his whole body, and he flinches his arm away from the other man.

If Gun felt it too, he doesn’t mention it.

“Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, yeah,” he breathes. “I thought I heard something and scared myself,” he tries to laugh it off.

“Are you sure?” Gun insists, worry showing in his voice.

“Yes,” the older man assures him.

Gun doesn’t look too convinced by Off’s little lie, but still he doesn’t push it and complies when Off comes out from behind the counter asking to help him with some books he has to stack on the shelves.

They are organizing the novels section, Off making fun of how Gun loves cheesy cliché stories and how unsurprising it is, when the question is out of his mouth before he can stop it. “Do you want to grab dinner after I finish here?”

Gun’s eyebrows shoot up so fast they almost fly out of his face, a smile appearing right after.

“Like a date?” Gun asks hopeful.

“Yes, like a date,” he looks down and smiles to himself, feeling Gun’s hand on his, interlocking their fingers. It isn’t the most comfortable way to stack books, but they keep holding hands anyway until they finish.

“Are you and Gun dating?” Tay asks as he abruptly enters his apartment.

Off is laying on the couch, watching a variety show he wasn’t really paying attention to, and frowns. “How did you even get in?”

“Remember when you went to visit your parents and you left me your spare key to take care of your plants and your fish?”

“The fish you overfed to death?” Off reminds him.

“Not the point, Off!” He waves his hands around. “And if you are dating Gun, why did I have to find out through Chimon?”

Off chuckles and sits to look at Tay, who’s still standing up, arms crossed against his chest, with a hilarious annoyed look on his face. The picture perfect of a petulant child. “Gun and I have been going on some dates after I’m done with work, nothing more than that.”

“So basically, you’re dating.”

“Well, yes. Just not officially, I guess.”

Tay drops on the couch, feet on top of the coffee table and his head on his best friend’s shoulder.

“I feel so betrayed. I can’t believe you let me find this out through Chimon, that little brat, of all people.”

“You’re so dramatic, Tay.”

It goes quiet for a while before Tay speaks again, softly. “Is he the one?”

Off only nods and Tay doesn’t ask further.

All his close friends know about the nightmares, what they might mean, they’ve had countless scares because of it over the years, but only Tay knows about the previous lives and how it has been every single time.

Tay links their arms together. “I’m happy for you.”

It’s Saturday and Off and Gun are just lazying around on Off’s apartment. Well, sort of, Off is lazying around. It’s his day off and gun had some grading to do, so instead of going somewhere, Off suggested to just stay inside for the day so Gun could finish the work he had to do.

They’re sitting on the floor, their backs against the the couch and Off’s legs on Gun’s lap as the younger man is hunched over the coffee table grading his students’ tests.

Off’s reading another history book. He started reading them just out of curiosity of how people had documented the different times in history he had lived in, and some of the historical events he had been part of. The first thing he had found about the June Rebellion had had his and Gun’s name on it, but other than that nothing more. At least about him, there had been a lot about Gun, about his plans and why everything had failed.

But after that he took a liking to learn about certain parts of history, not just the one’s he had lived himself.

Gun had finally finished grading the tests, but Off is so immersed in his book that he keeps himself quiet for a while.

He starts massaging Off’s feet and the older man smiles at him.

“So, you like history books, huh?”

“Yeah. Kind of took a liking to them a while back,” Off admits. “I like to read about some parts of history, anything that will spike my curiosity.”

“I had a friend in college who was majoring in History, loved everything about it, and she knew just about everything that has happened in the world, I kid you not,” he says still in awe. “And once we were talking about tragic romantic stories, for some reason, and she told me about this Chinese Emperor, that loved too much and eventually that had led to his downfall. You’ve heard of it?”

Off nods, because of course he knew who he was talking about. Gun hadn’t elaborated much on who the Emperor was, but he knew exactly who it was.

It was him, and Gun didn’t even know it.

“Rumor has it that he was in love with the General of his army, and his advisors didn’t like that so they played the Emperor’s love and fears against himself, making him kill the man he trusted and loved the most in the world.”

There’s a heavy silence that settles in the room, and Off tries his best to keep his emotions in place, his chest feeling like it’s gonna collapse in on itself.

“Did you ever love someone so much that it consumes you completely?” Gun suddenly asks.

Off takes a moment to compose himself before answering, his eyes locking with Gun’s. “Yes, I have.”

When he first tells Gun he loves him, it’s in the most non romantic way possible.

“Gun, where are my yellow socks?” Off yells from their room.

They were basically living together now. Gun always spent the night and slowly he started bringing his things over to Off’s apartment, his closet a mess of both their clothes, and Off’s coffee table in the living room full of homework and tests Gun was grading, on top of all his class plans.

“Gun, are you listening to me?” Off asks again, his head popping out the room.

“Yeah, babe. And I don’t know, you have at least fifty pairs of yellow socks,” he shrugs. “Have you looked in the bathroom.”

“Yes, I checked everywhere,” the older boy whines. “It’s the one’s that have a sunflower embroidered on them.”

Gun gets up and when he reaches their room, it’s a mess. There’s stuff everywhere, on the floor, on top of the bed… He didn’t even know they had so many things inside such a small room.

“Babe, relax,” Gun says, hugging the older man, his face fitting perfectly against his neck, and he takes the opportunity to kiss him there. “They’re just socks.”

“Gun, I love you, I really do, but can you please just help me? They’re not just socks, you know they are my lucky sock, please.”

Off continues his quest to find his lucky socks until his notices Gun has gone unbelievably quiet, and he thinks back to what he said.

Shit…

He sighs and rubs his face before turning to look at Gun.

“You love me,” it’s all Gun says, and he looks stunned. Off doesn’t know what that fucking means and he startsing to stress.

But seconds later, that seem like fucking hours to Off, Gun repeats it again. “You love me!” This time more sure and with the biggest smile adorning his face, and Off feels himself relax.

“I do, I love you! And I just confessed in the most dumb and unromantic way possible,” he’s so nervous he’s starting to ramble. “I had this super romantic dinner planned, and I had a speech ready about why I love you and why you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me and—“ and he can’t finish because Gun kisses him.

Kissing Gun always feels like falling in love all over again, and it’s his favorite feeling in the world.

“I love you too,” the younger man says.

Next thing he knows, Gun has his legs around Off’s waist and they never make it to their reservation.

It’s a rare occasion when Off falls asleep on the couch. He’s too big for that thing and it becomes uncomfortable after too long, but Gun had been reading through some things for his classes and Off’s fatigue finally caught up with him.

He doesn’t remember falling asleep on the couch, but that’s where he wakes up screaming with tears in his eyes. Gun, who was just sat on the kitchen table, is by his side in no time.

“I— I thought you— I thought you had—“ he’s shaking and he’s trying to steady his breathing.

“Off, hey, look at me,”  he says with a calm voice. His hands on each side of Off’s face, his thumbs softly caressing his cheeks. “It’s okay. I’m right here, I’m fine. See? It was just a bad dream.”

Off nods, his tears still falling down and his breathing slowly getting back to normal.

It felt like a life time ago since this had last happened. Off had been caught by surprise and he’s thankful Gun had been right there, he had needed the reassurance that Gun was fine. That he was alive and breathing.

Off can’t seem to let go of Gun after that.

Gun takes him to bed and lets Off cuddle him, just like a baby octopus clinging to him. Off was resting his head on Gun’s bare chest as the younger man ran his hand through his head, almost lulling Off back to sleep.

They hadn’t said anything to each other ever since what had happened earlier. A comfortable silence had settled, and Off was thankful Gun wasn’t bombarding him with questions about it.

“You don’t need to worry,” he speaks softly, and it’s barely louder than a whisper. “This time we’re going to be fine. I promise you,” Gun says.

He feels the younger man bring him closer, hugging tighter, and then it clicks.

“You remember too,” it was supposed to be a question, but it comes out as a statement.

Off detangles himself from Gun’s arms and sits on the bed, Gun following the action right after.

There’s a lump forming on his throat and he tries his best not to start crying again.

Gun nods and holds his hands between his. “I didn’t remember much before I met you, I didn’t even know what everything meant, so I didn’t connect the dots at first. But when we started to spend more time together, the more memories would come to me, and when I touched your birthmark it was like something clicked in my head,” he explains.

“Then why didn’t you say anything?” Off sounds hurt, but Gun only smiles fondly at him, his own face wet with tears.

“Probably because of the same reason why you didn’t,” he answers. “I didn’t know if you remember, and if you didn’t maybe it was for the best that you didn’t have to live with the pain. I just wanted you to have the happiness you deserve.”

Gun sounds guilty and Off can’t even fathom why he would. He’s never done anything wrong, not in this life and not in any other.

“So I made you laugh, and took you out on fun dates and tried to make as many best and happy memories of us I could, because once you remembered, if you remembered, I wanted you to have happy memories to think of. I didn’t want you to feel the pain. I just wanted us to be a little bit happier for once.”

It isn’t that they weren’t happy before, all the lives they’ve spent together, because they were. Off remembers all the happy moments, but they were never enough; even they were given a hundred more life times together, it still wouldn’t be enough.

“I wanted to make it right for you,” Gun says with a trembling voice.

“I’m so sorry, Gun,” he starts. “It’s me who fucked up. It’s because of me we always ended up hurting, you know that. And I don’t know how I can’t even make up to you. I never deserved you, and I still don’t.”

“Don’t be an idiot. It’s been centuries, Off. We both were wrong several times, we both hurt each other, but we’re here now. We get a chance to do things all over again, we get a chance to be happy.”

“But what if we don’t get that chance? What if we just end up suffering all over again?”

“Then we’re gonna find each other again, and we’re gonna try again. And we’ll try forever if needed, because as long has I get to spend all my lives with you, I’ll be fine.”

Gun kisses him and it’s a mess, he’s pretty sure there’s snot mixed in there somewhere but it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter because Gun remember. He remembers and he doesn’t love Off any else.

“Just promise me you’ll always tell me if I don’t remember,” he says. “Tell everything. Tell about the happy moments and the sad ones too, tell me about the first kisses and the last. Don’t keep me in the dark anymore.”

Off nods, unable to speak. Gun places a kiss on his forehead and they both go back to laying on the bed, Off nestled against Gun chest, and everything feels right.

“Hey, hot stuff,” Gun greets as he enters the bookstore.

“Hey, babe.”

“Are you a magician? Because whenever I look at you everyone else disappears,” he winks and starts laughing loudly, startling Mr. Fuzzy wake.

“We’ve been together for over two years, you can stop with the lame pick up lines,” Off smiles.

Gun knows Off secretly enjoys it, that’s why he keeps doing it, no matter the quality of the pick up lines.

Gun sits on the armchair and Off makes his way to sit on his boyfriend’s lap, taking advantage of the fact that there’s no one around.

“You make it sound like you don’t like it, my sweet bun,” he says, giving him a kiss on the lips.

“You’re ridiculous, you know that?”

“Yeah, ridiculously in love with you.”

Off chuckles and playfully hits his boyfriend’s arm.

It’s easier to deal with the pain and the guilt now that he knows Gun remembers. It has gotten better and Off doesn’t hurt so much anymore, even though he still feels guilty, but he thinks that feeling might never go away.

Now they talk about it, explain things to each other and fill in each other’s blank spaces. Sometimes they even joke about the whole situation. It helps to deal with it, they still don’t now why this happens, they have no scientific study that could tell them if this happens to anyone else, or if it will keep happening. So for now, they decide to enjoy the life they have together.

“But didn’t I tell you that the rebellion wasn’t going to work? I didn’t want to do this, but I told you so!”

“I can’t believe you’d joke about such a serious matter,” Gun says, feigning offense.

“It’s been more than a century, I’m allowed to joke about it, especially when I was right. You can’t trust people. Especially the French,” he advises.

Gun looks around to see if there’s anyone walking past the store and kisses Off, putting a hand over poor Mr. Fuzzy’s eyes, who had walked up to them moments earlier, so he doesn’t have to witness such indecency.

This time Off and Gun are allowed a quiet and happy life together, full of laughter, friends, kids and grandkids. This time they were finally allowed to be what they hadn’t been allowed before. Happy.