Chapter Text
It all started in high school.
Up until then, the only people Lan Wangji had any meaningful interactions with were his family. Classmates came and went, so did teachers. His frosty face, strictness, and tendency to not speak much ensured that there would be a very obvious distance between him and most other people. Only his older brother and his uncle were able to read him. His parents can, but they’re working abroad, so most of the time it’s just him, Lan Xichen, and Lan Qiren.
Kindergarten, elementary school, and middle school passed by. He was left with the amount of friends he started with, every time: zero. But he never really minded. If he needed company, Lan Xichen and Lan Qiren were enough. If he needed connections, he doesn’t need to worry. His future is pretty much secured -- after he finishes his education, he can just be plunked as a teacher in one of the music schools his family owns. As far as he’s concerned, he is to only focus on self-improvement. Make sure he is deserving of the silver spoon he was born with.
Everything was going fine, until…
“Wangji-xiong!”
“Lan Wangji…”
“Lan Zhan!”
Until he got stuck in the same class as a certain Wei Wuxian in the first year of high school.
Unlike the classmates he’s had in his life up until this point, Wei Wuxian would actually approach him to make conversation despite his icy aura and cold stare.
“Hey, do you want to sit with me and Jiang Cheng?”
“No.”
“Aw, but we’re already so close.”
“Ridiculous.”
Occasionally, Wei Wuxian would also ask him to sit together during lunch. Up until then, Lan Wangji always sat alone or with people who would pretend that he didn’t exist, and he was fine with that. Even though Wei Wuxian attempting to make conversation with him or reach out to him was not very often -- give or take, once or twice a week -- it was still enough for Lan Wangji to internally blacklist him. Thank goodness he spent most of his time socializing with other classmates or flirting with girls with no strings attached whatsoever.
Shameless, ridiculous, and pathetic all rolled into one. He was sure that he will never associate with Wei Wuxian, even if he is smart. So when the teacher paired them together for an assignment and forbid any students from asking for a switch, Lan Wangji was less than pleased. During group discussions, Wei Wuxian continued to attempt to talk to him about pointless things (“You always arrive so early at school! What time do you wake up? I’m not a morning person so I oversleep occasionally,” “What club are you in?” “What do you do in your spare time?” “Do you watch any TV? This new program is really good…”), to which he responded with “pathetic,” “ridiculous,” “stop chatting,” and “do the assignment.”
Chatting aside, however, they actually synced quite well and both of them got good grades for it, but it was an experience Lan Wangji would rather not have again.
As if attempting to make conversation wasn’t enough, about once every few months Wei Wuxian would leave trinkets on Lan Wangji’s desk, along with a note to go with it. First, it was a bunch of rabbit stickers (“Your stuff looks a bit plain… I found these the other day, maybe you can decorate them with it? I think they look cute”). And then there were keychains (“I thought these were cute, but I couldn’t only get one, so I got one that I think suits you. Blue is your colour, right? It’s right there in your name! lol”).
The last one was left on his desk near the final exams of the first year; a huge white rabbit plushie that was way bigger than the desktop. It was the last straw, because the moment Lan Wangji entered the classroom, the other students started giggling at him, and one look at the huge plushie on the table was enough for Lan Wangji to understand.
Back then, drowning in humiliation, his mind went blank as he took his folder -- it was thicker than a baby’s forearm, full of school notes, and much heavier than it appeared -- and started whacking Wei Wuxian with it, yelling at him to “get lost.” Both of them ended up getting sent to the counselor for it. Lan Wangji was reprimanded for being too violent, while Wei Wuxian was reprimanded for being insistent on approaching someone who is not interested in being friends with him. Somehow, Lan Wangji took the rabbit plushie home with him. Wei Wuxian wasn’t taking it back, but he didn’t want to toss a perfectly good plushie into the trash anyways.
On the second year, they were finally in different classes. Because of that, the second year was relatively peaceful. There were no more trinkets on his desk, but when they pass by each other Wei Wuxian would still attempt to make conversation with him or invite him to sit together at lunchtime, but it was way less frequent. And every time he did that, his brother Jiang Wanyin would tell him to stop.
And within a few weeks, it did stop. Lan Wangji enjoyed absolute peace… for a little while. At first it was peaceful. It was like spring-cleaning one’s bedroom after a long time. It felt like a lot of junk had been thrown away. Over time the lowkey euphoria faded away, but honeymoon periods end eventually, even if it’s with things you’re familiar with. But then even the contentment faded away.
Yes, no one talked to him at all unless necessary. Yes, his desk was peaceful and pristine. Yes, he ate alone at lunchtime as usual. It was all the normal stuff. But somehow it didn’t feel right anymore. Instead, he felt empty, and he didn’t know why.
And then there was a school trip in the middle of the second year. It was a 3-day hiking trip set in mostly untouched wilderness and there were going to be a lot of physical activities involved. Lan Wangji had hiked ahead of most of the students, including Wei Wuxian, who was behind him to group together with Jiang Wanyin and Nie Huaisang. But Lan Wangji had taken one wrong step and started tumbling down. Wei Wuxian moved aside quickly to break his fall, but ended up falling along with him. It all happened so fast that by the time everyone was aware of it, they had crashed against a tree after rolling down a few distances. In the end, Lan Wangji’s leg was injured and Wei Wuxian’s arm was wounded; both of them got sent home after being given first aid.
At first, both of them sat apart in silence. But after about 15 minutes of suffocating silence, Lan Wangji broke it with a “thank you.” Wei Ying’s response was a cheerful “hey, no problem.” From his expression and the tone of his voice, it was clear that despite his injuries and missing out on the trip to save someone he was not even close to(?), Wei Ying didn’t feel the least bitter about it, nor did he expect Lan Wangji to owe him.
It didn’t take long for Wei Ying to fall asleep in the van… leaning against the cold, hard window glass. Unable to stand the sight of it, Lan Wangji ended up lowering Wei Ying so his head was lying down on his unscathed lap. For some reason, it felt right. Somehow, he wanted the trip home to last forever. It didn’t, however. The driver stopped at his house before Wei Ying’s, and it was hard for him to leave him alone, asleep in the van, even if he knew Wei Ying would be fine.
A few days after the trip was over, Lan Wangji decided to send notes to Wei Ying’s desk just like how Wei Ying used to do for him in the first year. But the moment he stepped into the classroom, he froze -- he knew no one there, nor was there any real way for him to tell which desk is Wei Ying’s. Lan Wangji looked around the school for Wei Ying, but couldn’t find him until break was over. How was he supposed to, anyway, when he never made the effort to get to know him?
All was not lost. There was always the third year. Maybe they could share a class again. Right? Wrong. They were in separate classes again. But it didn’t mean that it would be impossible for them to pass by each other again, right? Lan Wangji could make conversation with him again then, right? Wrong.
For some reason, Wei Ying stopped helping around in clubs, unlike in the first and second years. Whenever he was out during break, he would hang out with a crowd of people Lan Wangji didn’t know. Back then it was just Jiang Wanyin and Nie Huaisang -- two other people. He could have broken the ice then, but on the third year Wei Ying was surrounded by a lot of other people. And he seemed so happy with them, so close with them. Lan Wangji was unable to call out to Wei Ying this time -- the barrier was too overwhelming. Maybe they could text?
Nie Huaisang used to tag along with his brother Nie Mingjue whenever the latter visited Lan Xichen, Lan Wangji’s older brother, but somehow he stopped in the third year of high school. He found out when he passed by Lan Xichen asking Nie Mingjue about Nie Huaisang. Nie Mingjue replied that his younger brother was “having some sort of block” and wouldn’t be coming until further notice. Lan Wangji didn’t understand what it meant, but he understood enough that his plan to get Wei Ying’s contact info from Nie Huaisang was a bust. Hoping they’d cross paths again in school somehow, Lan Wangji continued on as usual. But unlike before, the solitude had gotten painful.
Back then, Lan Xichen had advised him to keep the letters and trinkets. School life is something you will treasure once it’s over, he said, so Lan Wangji had kept them as his brother told him to. It’s also purely because somehow, he couldn’t bring himself to throw them away. He was grateful he followed Lan Xichen’s advice, because when he’s alone in his room, he only had the big rabbit plushie to hug.
It was soft and fuzzy, and big enough for Lan Wangji to bury his face in it. Happy memories of finding things on his desk, the journey home after they got injured in the hiking trip, and Wei Ying trying to get his attention would float in his mindscape like fireflies whenever he cuddled the plushie. In the end, it was moved from inside a cabinet to the bed, where it would be hugged and cuddled every night.
As the third year of high school went on, eventually there was a big deal about Wei Ying and the entire archery club winning a national competition -- a first for their school. Having known at least a little bit of what Wei Ying had been up to, Lan Wangji was about to look for Wei Ying in the archery club training spot after school, only to find Wei Ying fighting a notorious bully -- Wen Chao.
Lan Wangji heard and saw enough to make out why: Wen Chao had been harassing a girl from their class and wouldn’t stop until Wei Ying hit him. When Wen Chao saw Lan Wangji try to run over to get a teacher, he tripped him up. He would have tried to beat up Lan Wangji, too, if Wei Ying didn’t tackle Wen Chao to the ground first. The physical fight got even rowdier after that, and Lan Wangji scrambled to his feet to get help.
By the time Lan Wangji returned to the scene with a teacher, Wei Ying had gotten beat up pretty badly, and had to be sent to the infirmary. While the teacher dragged Wen Chao to the counselor, Lan Wangji waited in front of the infirmary while the nurse patched him up. When the nurse was done, he was allowed to come in. Finally, a chance to talk with Wei Ying again!
“Wei Ying.”
“Lan Zhan. Sorry you got involved into this mess.”
“No need. Do you want to come home with me?”
“Thank you, but it’s fine, really. No need to trouble yourself. Jiang Cheng’s gonna pick me up, so…”
And Jiang Wanyin really did show up. Lan Wangji could vividly remember Wei Ying’s expression brightening at the sight of his brother as he got up to approach him. Before they left, Jiang Wanyin had said to him, “Thanks for watching over him, Lan er-gongzi, but I’ll take it from here.”
Just like any other day, Lan Wangji walked home from school all alone. But this time, it was agonizingly lonely. He didn’t even get to follow Jiang Wanyin and Wei Ying because they took different directions.The entire incident left something hot, heavy, and bitter inside Lan Wangji, aside from guilt. Wei Ying was doing the right thing as always -- he was always kind and generous to a fault. He’d seen him help clubs he’s not affiliated with, among other things. But to get himself beat up defending a girl? It’s something else -- there’s a limit to chivalry. Just who is this girl? Is it because that Wei Ying got himself a girlfriend that he stopped reaching out to Lan Wangji?
…
…
He didn’t want to think about it.
But soon enough, it was exam week and they were all busy. Wei Ying or no Wei Ying, Lan Wangji still has his standards and, if he was to get accepted into the university he had planned to enroll in, he still had to work for it. He could only hope that by the time it was all over, he would be able to see Wei Ying again. Wei Ying would not be busy anymore.
Their school’s yearbook was not complimentary -- students had to pay for them. Lan Wangji didn’t mind, however, and purchased one for himself as a last resort to get Wei Ying’s contact information. On the first day after graduation, Lan Wangji went off to Wei Ying’s house. But after 10 minutes of waiting, there was no response. 10 minutes turned into 15 before Lan Wangji rang the doorbell again. 15 turned into 30, and he rang the doorbell for a third time. It was then that a passerby -- probably a neighbour of the Jiangs -- informed Lan Wangji that the entire family had gone on vacation and won’t be home for a while. How long, they didn’t know.
Somehow Lan Wangji managed to respond with a polite “Mn. Thank you,” even though his mind had gone blank. He managed to keep a straight face until he got to his room, after which he cried into his pillow. A few weeks later, he built up the courage to call Wei Ying’s phone number from the yearbook, only to receive no answers. It was then that his heart truly sank -- there was no longer a chance for him to be a part of Wei Ying’s life.
Being accepted to the university he aimed for -- Cloud Recesses university -- didn’t help with the heartache one bit. Lan Wangji had resigned himself to the fact that the bridge between him and Wei Ying had been burnt to ashes a long time ago, but he can’t find it in himself to move on from it. The break between graduation and the first day of university was agonizing. The only thing that lessened the pain was the time he spent reorganizing his folder.
Before he graduated from high school, the folder had been filled with school notes. The thing was always used for school notes ever since he first got it as a child. Every time he graduated or went up a grade, he would get rid of the old notes and use it to store new, more relevant notes. Lan Wangji quickly got rid of his now-useless notes from high school, and gently, meticulously organized his hoard of scraps.
The notes, organized in chronological order. It took him some time to organise it, mostly because Wei Ying never dated them, but after looking at them one by one, he remembered which came first, which came after this or that, and so on. He kept the stickers; he couldn’t bear using them for some reason. He just wanted to keep them safe. Looking at them again felt bittersweet. Those good times happened, yes, but they’re gone forever and there’s nothing he can do to take them back or make things better again. All he can do is take solace on the fact that all of it happened as he read through them over and over again.
Time slowed to a crawl, but eventually the first day of university came. When he went to the university for orientation, he couldn’t help but look at the list of accepted students near the front gates. Perhaps they can meet again in university? But after scanning the list of names twice over, neither his name nor Jiang Wanyin’s were found. Right, they might have gone to another university, or even an overseas university. Lan Wangji will never know.
What he knows is that he will need to get himself a new folder. He was never one to get himself more than what he needed. That folder of memories was the only folder he had for a long time, but now it’s all used. Meanwhile, he still needed something to store his notes for university. A trip to the nearby bookstore was in order. Instead of his usual stop home, Lan Wangji stopped somewhere else… and thanked his lucky stars.
Alighting from the train along with him and a lot of other people was Wei Ying. Even somewhat hidden in the crowds, he could still recognize the face he missed so much. He had to hold back his tears from flowing down, and to hold himself back from calling out to him, “Wei Ying,” as he always wanted to. If Wei Ying saw him, he’d probably run away again somehow. Plans of going to the bookstore thrown out the window, he followed Wei Ying like a stalker -- he’s been to Wei Ying’s house before, this isn’t the stop for his house. Did they move out?
To his surprise, Wei Ying ended up entering a cafe called Golden Lotus. Has he been eating out? Impossible. Lan Wangji remembered Wei Ying telling him that his adoptive sister Jiang Yanli does the cooking for his family and that she’s “the best cook in the whole world.” There’s a help wanted ad for a waiter position. University can get expensive. Perhaps Wei Ying decided to do part-time work; but no, he got a scholarship, it shouldn’t be necessary. Or maybe he was… going out on a date? Did he finally, really get a girlfriend? His mind going blank at the possibility, Lan Wangji opened the door and (elegantly) entered the cafe, not noticing the “CLOSED” sign hung on the door.
Sure enough, he was greeted with the sight of a surprised Wei Ying… along with Jin Zixuan -- one of their upperclassmen from high school -- and Jiang Yanli.