Work Text:
Casualties
‘You can lean on me, that’s probably easier.’
He already came to resent how cheerful that voice sounded - youthful, naive, accented, very possibly stupid. Most crucially, it belonged to someone who’d had complete control over his own senses, and that alone made him commander in chief between them. Humphrey grunted once, and did what he was told – the slight shift eased the pain in his leg instantly.
‘Much better right? I’m happy to be your personal guide, until you get better, sir. That is, if you want, Captain.’
He sighed. If he did indeed end up needing a dog and a stick, he might as well start practising with something that can talk first.
‘Fine. Thank you, Lieutenant. Remind me, what should I call you?’
‘Lieutenant Hacker, sir. At your service.’
==
He took a deep breathe, letting the early autumnal air filled his lungs. He gathered from Hacker that they had been installed in a small village in Gloucestershire – in a manor house that’d been temporarily converted into a convalescence home. The echoing footsteps in empty halls reminded him of distant childhood summers spent in the countryside. Alone with his own thoughts –
‘Good morning, Captain. How are you feeling today?’ That dreadfully cheerful voice again, he noted, way too enthusiastic for an early morning, ‘Would you like me to read the newspaper like usual?’
Maybe not entirely alone then. ‘Fine. Thank you, Lieutenant.’
==
He thought he’d gotten used to the tactile contact relatively quickly. Those rough materials of tunics already felt like a second layer of skin to all service men, however, it’s the warmth that radiated from beneath that disconcerted him. Of course, he was also constantly reminded of how firm Lieutenant Hacker’s left shoulder felt beneath his right palm. Muscles and bones, chiselled out of warm marble.
They were taking their daily morning walk around the garden. Being led at a leisurely pace, Humphrey actually started to enjoy this routine now that it’d been established. The relative stillness was a luxury he didn’t know he missed – after all these years spent in the barracks and trenches, in close proximity to all those human bodies, he would’ve thought he’d gotten used to it all. Wishful thinking, naturally.
‘Have you spent much time in the country, Lieutenant?’ He asked suddenly, not sure from boredom or curiosity.
‘Me? A country boy?’ There was a brief laugh, which sounded rather pleasant, ‘Hardly, sir. Lived all my life in Birmingham, near Curzon Street station actually.’
‘And what did you do? Before?’ He hesitated a little, but pressed on nonetheless.
‘I just started as a clerk for the Birmingham Post, a few months before it all started.’ Hacker almost sounded a bit shy, ‘Nothing grand like writing for them, just helping with the odd bits, running errands, and such.’
This came as a little surprising, ‘Did you enjoy that?’
‘Yes, immensely. I’d always wanted to work for a paper. I was hoping, you know, to learn on the job, perhaps one day my name could end up printed on the byline…’ The voice trailed off, no longer cheerful.
Humphrey cleared his throat slightly, ‘Apologies, I didn’t mean to…’ He trailed off too, but suddenly felt the urge to confess, ‘I just got a place at Oxford that summer, reading Classics. Of course, I went on a different train.’ He then put on an ironic voice, ‘Read and read some more, that’s what I’d always hoped to do.’ But now, he might never be able to do that again.
They both went silent, perhaps pondering on the lives they could’ve lived.
==
‘There you are, Captain. I was wondering where you have been…’
He wiped his face reflexively, and quickly realised the bandages covering his eyes had probably absorbed whatever tears there might have been. That’s perhaps to his advantage – no one could see how vulnerable he was now, not anymore.
Next thing he felt was Hacker’s presence adjacent to his own – an arm brushed against his, the sound of boots scratching the floor. Hacker had manoeuvred himself to settle next to him on the floor rather awkwardly, in the small cupboard he chose to hide himself.
‘What did the doctor say?’ The voice sounded genuinely sympathetic, which made his eyes stung even more.
‘That it’s not uncommon to remain like this for a prolonged period after the trauma, as if he’d seen many similar cases in his village green practice. But honestly? I can smell pity in his breath…’
Hacker laughed a little, then quickly checked himself, ‘That’s not a very charitable thing to say. And you don’t know that for sure. As far as I can see, your responses to light have been way better than what I had seen in some other fellows…’
‘And does that make me less blind than they are?’ He had never said the word out loud until now, fearing it may become a reality if he did. But now he simply didn’t care, his voice raised without him realising, ‘All I could remember were scenes of blood, mud, and gas… My mind will be trapped in that horrible place forever. I can never escape, nor can I ever come home properly. Do you know what I mean, Hacker?’
There was no response. He almost wondered if Hacker had left the room.
Then he felt something warm wrapped around his fingers. Instinctively, he clutched it like a child. Hacker’s hand felt coarse, full of callouses – so determined as if it could never waver. It grounded him, surprisingly effective for a simple gesture like this.
‘I don’t think any of us can ever come home properly, blinded or not. But we do our best.’
==
‘I think I’ve been here before.’
‘Pardon?’ Hacker slurped a little, obviously not too concerned about his table manners in front of a blind man. ‘Where do you mean?’
‘This house.’ He tried not to make it sound too significant, whereas in fact this could easily be the most exciting thing that’d happened to him in a long while, ‘You remembered how I found the bloom cupboard the other day? I just knew it was there, it came to me like some kind of muscle memory. Come to think of it, it has to be the only explanation.’ He’d even convinced himself, ‘I’ve definitely been here before.’
‘Right.’ The reply was a little sceptical, ‘Obviously, you know the house quite well then. Was it a recent visit? How come the name didn’t ring any bells for you?’
‘No, I came here when I was a child, about ten or eleven.’ He replied quickly, ‘It’s the home of a school friend. We spent a month playing hide-and-seek in the place.’ Then he wondered briefly what had happened to his friend, but stopped that train of thought abruptly.
‘Is that so?’ Hacker sounded bemused, which he found slightly irritating, ‘It’s difficult enough to imagine you as anything other than a studious child, but a playful one? Quite impossible!’ The smug comment was followed by a laugh.
He was now officially offended, which left him little choice but to defend his character. Lifting his spoon with a bit of stew, he flicked the contents towards the general direction of his companion. He heard a gasp – it was way easier than hurling grenades, to be honest.
‘Humphrey, what did you do that for?’ Hacker was exasperated, perhaps more surprised than anything. He felt quite triumphant.
‘Oh, I can be playful alright.’ He replied drily, and was quickly rewarded with a bigger laugh from his companion.
==
‘Holy smoke… now I’m convinced.’ Hacker pressed something into his hands – a limp cigarette. He held it up to his nose, it now smelt more like mould than tobacco. ‘What’s this, conquest number four now?’
He wasn’t keeping track, but Hacker clearly was. They went on a scavenger hunt around the house this morning instead of taking their usual morning walk – the autumnal weather had already started to turn sour. He could hear rain lashing on the window, and was secretly glad he wasn’t in the trenches right now.
‘Why did he hide this stuff here, in the library?’ Hacker asked curiously, ‘It’s awfully inconvenient for a smoke…’
‘Because he was a fourteen-year-old boy who thought he was being a sophisticated criminal.’ What they just uncovered was a secret stash of cigarettes used to belong to Julian’s older brother, whose name escaped him. So far, they’ve found the stain left by Julian in the parlour, a tin of biscuits his friend hid in the broom cupboard, and some emergency funds in the crack of bedroom floorboards. He felt his mood lightened as they went along, his memory rewind back to that hot summer when everything seemed so green, lush, and full of life.
Hacker went uncharacteristically quiet. ‘What have you found now, Lieutenant?’
The reply came a few seconds later, as if he’d just been awoken from a trance, ‘I’ve never seen so many books in one place, not even in a bookshop.’ Hacker was clearly in awe, ‘All these books, gosh, I wonder how long it’ll take to read them all…’
He could hear enthusiastic footsteps climbing up ladders, pages shuffling, clasps unhooked, volumes slammed – it made him want to see this young journalist in training with his own eyes, to see whether they shared the same gleam in their eyes when it comes to discovering a favourite. But then, suddenly, he heard a tumbling noise, as if a sack of potatoes being dumped on the ground. Hacker was groaning loudly, clearly in some distress. Humphrey panicked, then quickly scrambled towards the origin of the noise. His hands searched the air frantically, until it came into contact with Hacker.
‘Are you ok? Jim, are you hurt?’ He asked impatiently, trying to feel his friend’s head. That probed a loud hiss, but he felt a hand on his arm to calm him down. ‘I’m fine, don’t fuss. I must have stretched a muscle or something, was trying to reach the top shelf.’ The answer wasn’t as convincing as Hacker tried to make it. ‘Just give me a minute.’
He sat there next to Hacker, helplessly waiting for him to catch his breath. Any independence he had just rediscovered in the scavenger hunt now vanished completely.
‘Why are you here, Lieutenant? You’ve been in this convalescent hell hole for an awfully long time.’ He finally asked, feigning a joking tone.
The answer came slowly, filled with uncertainty. ‘I might’ve gotten some shrapnel in my belly, they can’t be entirely sure whether they took everything out.’ He flinched when hearing that, but was quickly reassured by Hacker, ‘I feel fine most of the time. My mum used to say I was always hungry as a horse, so I probably end up digesting the whole lot. Now, where should we go next? How about the kitchen? Want some early lunch?’
He gripped his Lieutenant’s shoulder harder than usual, since he can’t think of a reply.
==
Impatiently, he urged the boy from the village to walk a bit faster. He’d just been back from his latest check-up with the doctor. For the first time since the incident, he could see shadowy figures moving in the room – things were no longer just a blurry fog of light. Admittedly, it was in a very dim room and the examination only lasted a short while. This time, however, he genuinely started to hope.
‘Can you find Lieutenant Hacker for me, please?’ He asked the boy who guided him back to the ward, trying not to sound too impatient.
He wanted to blurt out the news to his friend immediately. Hacker would no doubt be more excited than he was, but then again, he didn’t necessarily want to get his hopes up too early. He could in theory try to use the broom cupboard, hopefully, that’ll be dim enough, will he finally be able to see his Lieutenant’s face? That particular curiosity, or temptation, had been growing stronger every day.
‘You’re back early.’ Hacker’s cheerful voice now no longer irritated him, like he had grown used to it over the weeks without realising, ‘What did the doctor say?’
Before he could reply, something else caught his attention – a whiff of roses, sweet, summery, came into the room with Hacker like a bright ray of sunlight. He hadn’t smelt anything like it before in this place – it had always been just the smell of a hospital ward and damped beddings. The smell of roses was so alien and distinctively feminine, it made him suddenly frozen in place, loss for words.
‘Nothing new really, just letting you know I’m back.’ He half lied, hiding his sudden discomfort in a passing comment, ‘You smell nice.’
Hacker was audibly smelling his own clothing by sniffing loudly, ‘Do I? Ah yes, it’s beef stew for dinner. I was in the kitchen earlier.’ Another sniff, ‘You’ve got a good nose on you, Captain, I can’t pick up a thing.’
==
He joined the other men in front of the radio after breakfast. Hacker’s on kitchen duty this week, and needed to get supply from the village. This brief gap in their morning walks gave him some time to reflect on the situation.
There was no situation, he chided himself for making the whole thing so dramatic. It was some detached pollen for Christ’s sake, its source could be anywhere. There’s no immediate association with plots from some cheap romantic novels, not unless Hacker indicated otherwise.
But the smell reminded him there’s a real world out there. Outside of this manor house, there was a world where normal people reside - the horror of war remained a figment of their imagined fear, and it’s allowed to have hopes and dreams for the future. It was that world where Jim Hacker would return to, in which he would live out his respectable life as a clerk or even a journalist, with a family of his own, surrounded by other normal people like himself. That world would have no place for the likes of him - an outcast, the deformed.
So what if Hacker had taken a lover in the village? One that smelt of summery roses, one that would bring a smile to his face? He should be congratulating his friend for his good fortune. If anything, no one deserves a normal life more than he did.
It’s time for him to return to the normal world too, he decided. He had gotten too used to having a talking guide.
==
‘Oh, very sorry.’ He felt his stick hitting something moving, ‘I didn’t mean to get in your way.’
He heard Hacker chuckled, and stopped in his track. ‘You’re up early. Practising again, I see.’ Hacker’s greeting sounded bright as usual, only this time it didn’t bring him any joy. ‘Want to take a little walk outside? It’s a bit chilly but the sun’s quite nice.’
He bit his chin inwardly, then found himself replying, ‘I think I’ll stay in today. Need to practice some more with this.’ He was hoping he sounded chillier than the weather.
‘Oh, alright.’ Hacker was a little disappointed, but he hid it quickly, ‘I’ll be on my kitchen duty then. Find me if you need anything.’
==
He couldn’t sleep, so he slowly found his way to the fireplace, and settled himself in an armchair in front of it. With some practice, he’s now quite proficient with the stick. The fire was crackling, and the sound of snoring was drifting from a distance, he slowly started to relax into a slumber.
‘Humphrey, are you awake?’ He jumped when Hacker whispered into his ear, then he’s hit by the overpowering smell of liquor. Hacker pulled him out of the armchair quickly before he could reply, and added hoarsely, ‘Follow me, I need to talk to you.’
He followed the Lieutenant across the hall, realising it was their routine walk from the ward to the garden. Hacker led him outside without saying a word. The brisk night air gave him a shiver. He tried to pull his dressing gown closer single-handedly while trying to keep the other hand on Hacker’s shoulder to keep pace with him.
They walked a little further than usual, to where he knew would be the rundown conservatory of the house. He had never been inside, but gathered from distant memory knowing it used to be a humid glass box with a maze full of exotic plants. Hacker once described it to him - it was now full of weed and wrangles of dead bushes, he had since lost the desire to explore this particular part of the house.
‘Why are you taking me…’ He was shoved inside the conservatory before he could finish the question. Hacker shut the door behind him, the place felt instantly warmer. Then he recognised the smell in the air - roses, sweet and summery, just like the whiff he caught off Hacker the other day.
Hacker led him slowly down the conservatory. Some branches snagged his dressing gown once or twice, while the smell was getting stronger – until they stopped in track, and he felt like he could well be bathing in a garden full of roses. In his mind’s eyes, he could see all the colours of that hot summer he’d spent here – they were so bright and vivid he had to blink a few times.
Hacker still hadn’t spoken a word. Instead, he just guided Humphrey’s hand towards the air, where his fingers came into contact with the delicate petals of a newly bloomed rose. It felt almost surreal – the smell, the touch, the warmth and humidity of the place – he felt he had been transported to a different time and place.
‘I rescued these when I first got out of the sick ward, a little over two months ago now.’ Hacker remembered warmly, his fingers still lingered on the petals, barely touching Humphrey’s. ‘I’m not a gardener, but somehow it managed to live. It started to bloom three days ago.’
Unable to resist, he leaned closer to the plant – the fragile flower in his fingers felt velvety, and he managed to bump his nose into it. This elicited a laugh from Hacker, ‘Careful there, you don’t want to kill it before it gets to full bloom.’
He could no longer hide his thought, ‘That’s why you’ve been smelling of roses.’ Feigning a playful tone, he prayed silently that his friend wouldn’t take offence, ‘I was quite convinced you had a girl in the village. It all seemed quite silly now that you showed me the conservatory, of course.’
There was no reply. He felt Hacker’s hand dropped away from the rose, which made his stomach churn. Why did he have to say something stupid like that? He might as well shoot his own foot. But then came a curious question from the Lieutenant, ‘Is that so? How interesting…’
He couldn’t gauge the emotion behind that response. Instead, he decided to babble on, ‘Not that I’ve got anything against it. To be honest, if you did have a girl, this could be the perfect gift for her. You know, these are some excellent roses…’
Hacker chuckled, and then he felt the Lieutenant’s increased proximity. ‘Is that what you really think, Captain? That I should be giving these flowers to my sweetheart?’ The breath of whiskey mixed with the air of roses hitting him in the face, it made him feel dizzy.
‘Not really.’ He managed to answer weakly, yet truthfully. ‘I’d rather you don’t have a sweetheart at all.’
‘Shame, because I do have one.’ The admission came as a blow, almost as violent as a physical one. He bit the inside of his cheeks, trying not to react visibly. Suddenly, he felt the ghost of a touch on his cheeks – he’s not sure whether he imagined it or not, it was like a butterfly had just landed there. He came to realise it was Hacker’s fingertip, it glided across his skin lightly, leaving him in a confused stupor.
‘And I have to confess, I have been completely smitten with him for quite some time now.’ Hacker finished his sentence, and kissed him squarely on the lips.
The kiss awoke something dormant inside him. A combination of guilt, relief, and embarrassment urged him to cling onto his newly confessed lover like his life depended on it. Lips parted, tongue thrusting, teeth clashing, they laughed together at their impatience without stopping a moment. Hacker clumsily tugged at his dressing gown while his fingers nimbly unfastened his Lieutenant’s uniform buttons – he surprised even himself with his skills. They ended up on the floor on top of his own dressing gown, both naked, both trembling under each other’s touch.
‘Humphrey, you’re… incredible.’ Hacker managed to choke out some words. The Lieutenant was enthusiastically trailing kisses on his neck, while stroking his penis with equal passion. Humphrey felt his chest tightened with the wave of pleasure travelling up his spine – not being able to see made him concentrate more on all his other senses, and at this moment it’s becoming overpoweringly erotic. He grasped his partner’s buttocks, pushing him towards himself – he felt Hacker’s erection against his thigh, as hard as himself.
‘Jim, I’m…’ He moaned when he felt Hacker swallowed him whole – any rational thoughts left him as soon as that mouth started to work. The noises of love-making sounded magnified in the confined space, the heat radiated from another human body felt pleasantly hot. Humphrey buried his fingers into the soft curls of his Lieutenant’s, briefly wondering what colour that might be, before climax claimed him like a stroke of lightning.
He felt Hacker’s lips on his own again, he can taste himself from their kiss. ‘I’m nearly there, sweetheart.’ Jim said unintelligibly, rubbing himself off on his thigh. He trailed his hand on his lover’s stomach, finding his hardened shaft, and starting to stroke him rhythmically. It wasn’t long until he felt hot liquid spilt into his hand, followed by Hacker collapsing heavily next to him.
Clinging onto the limbs of his guide, for the first time, he felt he’s no longer terrified of the night.
==
He couldn’t seem to stop touching Hacker. So much so that he suggested another trip of scavenger hunt around the house, just to indulge in his cravings. They ended up sitting on the upper floor of the library, lazily cradling each other, like a pair of sated dogs with too much to eat.
‘We’ve got to be careful now,’ Hacker adopted a mockingly stern tone, ‘else we’ll become one of those disgusting young couples, who can’t keep their hands off each other.’ Before placing another kiss on his Captain’s lips.
‘Have you any objections to that, Lieutenant?’ he returned a little breathless after their kiss, adding another item to his mental inventory of his lover’s appearance – a slightly protruding canine tooth on the top left. ‘You sounded vehemently offended by them.’
‘Well,’ Hacker replied after some thought, a little sheepishly, ‘I did despise them, until I see the appeal of it myself.’
‘Well, just keep in mind I only touch you out of necessity.’ He ran his fingers down Hacker’s nose, mocking a rough measurement in size, ‘For example, I’m cataloguing this big nose into my mind this instance.’
Hacker smirked, it made his nose twitched under his fingers, ‘And have you much success with the project yet, Captain?’
‘Oh, I would have if you could just stop talking.’
==
‘The swelling has gone down significantly, and there seem to be no other complications.’ He repeated what he heard from the doctor, still cannot quite believe it himself, ‘He said he’s now confident I’ll regain at least some of my sights.’
‘Yes, but did you feel any improvement yourself? Did you manage to.. you know?’ Hacker sounded nervous, and started to pace more agitatedly.
‘I wasn’t sure the last time, but… yes, I think I could discern some movements and colours when he examined me.’ He finally admitted, feeling relieved to say that out loud. ‘Of course, I might end up needing heavy lenses for the rest of my life…’
His Lieutenant hugged him so tightly he couldn’t quite finish his sentence. ‘I knew it, I knew it! I said you’re not blind and you’re not!’ Hacker was clearly very emotional, which was quite contagious, ‘Never mind the lenses, they’ll match exceptionally well with your Oxford gown and heavy tomes in Greek. And don’t bother contradicting me on that, because that’s what you’ll do once you get better.’
He could hear Hacker breaking into a quiet sob, and all he could do was to pat his back slowly, like calming a frightened animal, ‘Come, what’s this, huh? I’m not even blubbering myself…’
Hacker sniffled loudly, then pulled himself away from the embrace, planting a wet kiss on his Captain’s cheek, ‘Nothing, I’m just… so happy for you, Humphrey.’ Another sniffle, ‘You deserve so much more, and I’m so very happy for you.’
Twisting his lips into a smile, he hugged his lover again, a little worried this time.
==
‘Come find me in the conservatory tonight, at midnight.’ Hacker whispered into his ears during their morning walk.
He blushed reflectively, the mere thought of that part of the house still sent a shiver down his spine. Hacker’s suggestion sounded neutral, he wondered what it had installed for him this time. ‘Alright. When will you come and get me?’
‘I need to be in the village until quite late. Use your stick, I’ve seen you manage the garden quite well. It shouldn’t be too difficult to go a bit further.’
Slightly disappointed, he replied, ‘It shouldn’t be a problem. See you tonight then.’
==
The journey wasn’t particularly arduous. He navigated the way to the garden well, and was quite pleased he managed to keep the stick clear of any large furniture in the hall. It took him some time to find the door to the conservatory, but he finally got in after a bit of searching. The place was the same as he remembered it – humid, warm, the smell of roses. Perhaps the plant had entered full bloom, as the scent was stronger than he remembered. It was a quiet night, he noticed - he could hear some shuffling sounds nearby.
‘Hello, is anyone there?’ He asked cautiously into space.
‘Humphrey, there you are.’ Hacker reached out for his hand, dragging him further into the place, ‘Come here.’
‘Wait, you’re in here all this time, just watching me fumble around for the door handle?’ He asked a little indignantly, ‘Why didn’t you give me a hand earlier?’
Hacker laughed, grasping his hand and kissed it, ‘And give up on the show early? I don’t think so.’ After getting a slap in the hand his playful tone turned sombre, ‘Seriously, you did very well on your own. Besides, you probably won’t even need a guide or a stick in a few weeks.’
‘Why are we here again?’ He reached out for his lover’s face, giving it a suggestive stroke, ‘Not that I mind, but I can think of some better locations.’
‘This will always be the best location.’ The Lieutenant’s comment was devoid of his usual saucy remarks, ‘And I need to give you a quick gardening lesson, you can’t really do it anywhere else in the house.’
A little surprised, Humphrey nevertheless listened carefully to the lecture that followed. Hacker guided him around the plants, the watering tins, and some tools. Then he went on to explain the details of watering, weeding and mulching in an affectionate tone, ‘Roses are surprisingly easy to take care of. Perhaps the dead-heading will be a little difficult for you right now. You know, you need to cut off the blooming branches so that they can flower again. But I’m sure you can take care of that before winter arrives.’
‘I thought you said you are no gardener.’ Humphrey teased, ‘That was quite a lecture coming from an amateur.’
‘I have quite a lot of free time to read until you came along.’ Hacker led him towards the back of the shed and sat him down on the floor, ‘Come. This is the spot I sat when the flower first started to bloom, I must’ve stared at it for hours like that’ll make them grow quicker.’ It was a fond memory clearly, ‘I guess I’ve become quite attached to it.’
He tried to imagine Hacker sitting in the conservatory corner waiting for a rose to bloom, that put a smile on his face, ‘Well, I don’t think I’ll do half as good a job as you looking after it. I’m afraid you’ll still need to come down to water it yourself.’
There was no reply. His niggling worries returned.
‘They’re sending me back. I leave on the first train in the morning.’
He felt his stomach sank to the floor. He heard himself asking weakly, ‘To Birmingham?’ even though he knew full well that’s not what Hacker meant.
‘Ha, I wish. No, to Belgium.’ Hacker made it sound like it’s just a different destination, ‘So, you’ll have to look after the roses. I was going to tell you the first time we came here, but well, we got very distracted.’
He began tugging at the bandages around his eyes angrily, but was quickly stopped by Hacker, ‘Hey, what do you do that for?’
‘I need to see your face before you go.’ He found himself replying calmly, as if he’s making the most reasonable request in the world.
His Lieutenant broke into a sob or a laugh, he couldn’t tell which, ‘No, Humphrey, I won’t let you jeopardise your recovery. Besides, you might not like me when you see that I’m not as handsome as you thought.’ He felt Hacker guided his hand towards his face, settling it on the big nose of his, ‘See me in your own way, Humphrey. See me with your hands.’
He did what he’s told, like the first time they met. His fingers glided across the familiar landscape, discerning every detail – a smooth forehead and squared hairline, fuzzy brows and deep eye sockets, a straight nose, thin but surprisingly pliable lips, those sharp cheekbones and squishy ears of his. He trailed kisses after every touch, patiently like a priest blessing each of his congregation. He started to feel moisture on the skin he touched, but cannot tell whose tears were those.
They undressed each other slowly, more concerned with exploring the skin beneath than getting through the motion. He memorised everything as best as he could, from the location of a mole to those of his scars. The nasty marks felt rugged under his touch, ‘Do they hurt still?’
‘No, not anymore.’ He could hear the laboured breathing of his lover, then he bent over to take him into his mouth. Hacker groaned and slithered underneath him, precisely when he curled his tongue around the tip. He marvelled at how he had learnt the ways to please his lover over the past week. Has it only been a week? It felt like they had had a lifetime together. He felt he’d been in this house all his life, with Hacker by his side.
‘I want to feel you inside me, Jim Hacker.’ He commanded.
‘But I’ve never..’
‘Shush..’ He stopped him mid-sentence with a kiss, then slowly eased himself on top of Hacker’s erection. Hacker choked out a moan, almost immediately and involuntarily started thrusting into him. He let out a shaky breath at the same time – the pain was bad, but it eased a little after a few moments.
‘Are you alright?’ Hacker stopped to ask, his voice full of concern.
‘Shut up and fuck me, Lieutenant.’ He ground his hips around his lover’s penis in a circular motion, and quickly got what he wished for.
==
‘I need to go soon.’
They had been lying on the floor, in each other’s arms, drifting in and out of slumber. He could hear a blackbird sang, it must be dawn soon.
Hacker helped him up gently, and started to dress him slowly. When he finished, Hacker placed a kiss on his forehead. ‘Do you want me to walk you back to the house?’
‘I think I want to stay a little longer.’
‘Alright.’
Hesitation filled the air, neither of them knew what to say.
In the end, he placed his hand on his Lieutenant’s shoulder, just like what he’d been doing all these weeks since their first meeting. It felt like home.
==
Epilogue
He got off the train on a bare platform, feeling the cold air on his face. Adjusting the glasses on his nose bridge, he quickly set off to the manor house. The trees lining the country lane was half covered in frost, so was the meadows on the surrounding hills. The place was as still as he remembered, like no one had ever come or left.
The house was a little different from what he remembered as a child. It wasn’t as grand or as green, the limestone exterior, however, remained as charming as he imagined. It felt strange to greet some of the old residences here again, only to be able to see as well as hear them this time. He seemed to have very little memory of this part of his stay. Come to think of it, it wasn’t even that long ago.
The war ended two months after Hacker was sent back to the front. He heard the news when he was at the Bodleian Library, reading one of those Greek tomes the Lieutenant joked about.
After the greetings and pleasantries, he set off to the garden. Now seeing everything clearly, the place was more unkempt than that of his memories – the frosted lawn clearly hadn’t been trimmed for a long time, bushes and shrubs in the corner were half-toasted. He was entrusted to take care of the roses only, he reminded himself. Shaking his head, he made his way towards the conservatory directly.
He hesitated before opening the door. Taking a deep breath, he closed his eyes and stepped inside. The smell of roses greeted him, just as he remembered it. All the memories flooded back to him all of a sudden, threatening to engulf him entirely. He clutched the doorframe, trying to calm himself.
Then there’s this voice – cheerful as ever, youthful and naive, sounding like life had always been a perpetual joke.
‘If you’d come here to dead-head the roses, you’re a little late now.’ The voice was teasing him, ‘But you know what, Captain? Has anyone ever told you how well you look in those lenses?’
He knew he had come home properly this time.
Fin.