Work Text:
Maybe it was never meant to be.
Maybe fate got them together, just so that it can tear them apart.
Maybe destiny was playing a huge joke for putting them in this situation.
Their romantic partnership ended few months ago, but it was extremely hard to keep a reasonable distance since they were still working together, doing excellent detective work in the intel division. Crime on the streets were on the rise, so they had been working even harder together even though everything in their personal lives were falling into shards of broken glass - oh, the irony.
On the surface, it felt like nothing changed and everything was normal. Yet beneath all that, both of them were keeping tight-lipped about their shared secret and promising each other that no matter what happens, the secret stays with them forever. Nobody must know who they really are because one, things between them will definitely head to the gutter and two, someone will be very hurt, or even dead. It was hard enough to live daily without knowing when will be your last breath, but it is even worse when you live in fear of losing that one important person in your life. It was impossible to say that they were unaware of what they were doing, because right at the start, their lives were already tangled in webs.
They realized that being partners - romantically and professionally - posed different kinds of risks. Despite their several requests to change teams, requests for transfer of departments or application for leave of absences were submitted - still, here they were, in a room full of uniformed officers and civilians, cheering them in thunderous applause and congratulatory chants, greeted by fake smiles and forced enthusiasm on both Kyungsoo’s and Jongin’s faces.
“The best partners in this unit and nobody can deny that, right guys? As they both always said - the law is us, both black and white. Let us toast to the irreplaceable duo.” The chief commander proudly announced to the room as he raised his glass. Another day at work, another successful organized crime syndicate busted. Yet for both of them, it was just another day of deliberate professionalism and pretense, another “well done, good job.” The work they do no longer excites them, but they have no other choice but to keep on cleaning the streets from crime lords and syndicates. They had reliable information and trusted informants, which sometimes, sparked some rumors amongst the other officers if the two of them were working as double agents or spies. Both Jongin and Kyungsoo knew that there were times that they were being watched, followed and their lives being scrutinized. So far, nobody is able to confirm nor conclude anything. If there was anything to "discover", it was the fact that they live together, but always moving from one apartment to another. They never stayed at one place for more than six months because Kyungsoo insists that they should have "change of scenery" often to make life more interesting. Jongin never questioned that and in fact, he agreed without a doubt, that it was for the best.
“I hate it when Chief used the word partners, Jongin. It feels as if we are still together and I really hate that thought. Hate is a strong word but I really do feel that way. I wished he’d stop doing that soon.” It was obvious that Kyungsoo was upset as he got into the passenger seat. Jongin kept silent as his heart listened to the exasperated tone. He revved the engine slightly, almost like a subtle response to Kyungsoo. Lately, it was hard to communicate their feelings to one another without getting into a heated argument. Someone who dislikes confrontational conversations, Jongin chose to speak as little as possible or to say nothing at all whenever he felt that the conversation is turning into an unpleasant exchange of regrettable words and unforgiven actions. He lets Kyungsoo have the last say because all he ever wanted to do was to hear that voice he loved, and still do.
"If I ever die in your arms, promise me Soo .. your voice is the last thing I hear before my last breath. Your voice will take me straight to the singing angels in Heaven."
The roads were rather empty at this time of the night, traffic was minimum but journey to their residence seems much too long. Jongin glanced over quickly and saw Kyungsoo, nodding his head in tandem with the vehicle’s motion, and realised he had fallen asleep. Home was just around the corner but Jongin decided to drive aimlessly into the night. Accompanied by soft rhythmic snores, Jongin drove leisurely, with one hand on the steering wheel and his other hand gently on Kyungsoo's lap. To Jongin, it was an impossible task to stop loving someone overnight especially when they never stopped loving in the first place. People can say anything they want, but the only ones who knows the truth and who are not afraid to fight the world, are the ones who decides what is written in the next chapter of their storyline. But to Kyungsoo, it is always better to numb the heart as soon as possible so that both of them can move on quickly and without any residual impact.
Since the day they decided to end the relationship, Kyungsoo have been having frequent interrupted sleep, leading to chronic insomnia, but Jongin knew very well that Kyungsoo sleeps each time when the car was in motion. They used to fight about it frequently, because Jongin wanted them to talk during their journey home and Kyungsoo kept nodding off. Now, Jongin secretly wished they were still fighting about it because these small things often becomes memories that they share and giggle about after that.
Driving at a constant speed, crossing the bridge overlooking the Han River, Jongin set the vehicle to cruising mode and let his mind drift slightly. He thought about how the both of them never really accepted how the relationship turned into. They had countless conversations, trying to work things out and to understand how things went so out of control that they were not able to work it out anymore. It got to a point where it was almost impossible to have a decent conversation.
“Did you collect the package from the postal office? Forget it. I will collect it tomorrow.”
“No, Soo, what is this all about?”
“Nothing.”
It didn’t help that city crime rates were on the increase and they both had been spending so much time together as working partners, that they have started seeing less of each other as domestic partners. They fought hard to work on their relationship, but they fought harder to ensure the city villains were stopped, without really pausing to see what it did to their own relationship. But they know that the only way to go in a fight or flight situation, is to fight it all the way to the end, and they were both ready to go against all odds for that. Nobody can doubt their capabilities as law enforcement officers and they are known for their no-nonsense good-cop-bad-cop teamwork, their acute sense of awareness in doing covert surveillance, their coordinated leadership on days when they have to “strike where it hurts the most” and their combined investigation skills were unconventional yet highly effective. In other words, they were the best in the unit. Yet, despite being the best to the world, they were two individuals trying to hold on to something precious in their own world. Their world, constantly threatened by the ghosts from their past. Or rather, the ghosts of their own family name.
"Our family names will always be part of us, but we can try our best to do whatever we can, to stop the inevitable from happening, okay?"
Suddenly, Kyungsoo stirred and shifted his sleeping position, curling up in a semi-fetal pose while facing the driver side, and Jongin couldn’t help but lets a half-smile escape his lips. As if adding salt to the wound, sweet and beautiful memories came flooding back as he continued to drive to allow continued sweet slumber for Kyungsoo.
“I think I can love you, but not today. Ask me tomorrow.”
That, was the start of it all.
Jongin had received a random text message form Kyungsoo that evening, right after they left the shooting range for their scheduled marksmanship practice sessions and were heading in different directions - Kyungsoo was going back to his hometown while Jongin was staying in the city for the weekend. The message was special yet cryptic, but Jongin was determined not to let this tiny glimmer of happy light be darkened.
It was very rare for uniformed personnel in government sectors to be comfortable enough to embrace their alternative sexuality, but Jongin was different and Kyungsoo was the exact opposite. They were recent graduates from the training academy from their respective cities but being best trainees meant they will be posted to the main city of Seoul. Right from the beginning, they were assigned to the same team. While Jongin was confident and open, Kyungsoo was sensitive and reserved. They were total opposites yet they got along very well from the get-go. Jongin knew how to draw Kyungsoo out from his shell, which made Kyungsoo feel comfortable sharing his deepest worries. At the same time, Kyungsoo knew exactly how to allow Jongin to shed his colourful personality and showed his vulnerable soft side too. It was hard to explain but their chemistry was admirable.
They became best teammates, best working partners and best friends, until that day when Jongin received that text message from Kyungsoo which changed everything. While Jongin was shocked that shy Kyungsoo had the sudden confidence and courage to say anything to imply something more than friendship, he was also delighted because he had been so infatuated with his partner-in-crime but he was unsure if it was mutual. Things between them were never the same again since then and Jongin made sure that there was no day or night that went by, without him asking Kyungsoo.
“So … I was wondering - can you love me today, Soo?”
“I think I can love you, but not today. Ask me tomorrow.”
Jongin made a point to ask Kyungsoo teasingly, that same question in the most awkward and inappropriate moments, but Kyungsoo always managed to remain calm and gave the same replies consistently. There was one time, they were tasked to follow different persons of interest, and the question came in through the in-ear communication device, to everyone’s comic disbelief. Of course, Kyungsoo was not too happy about that public embarrassment but Jongin loved the courtship after that, and of course, the intense emotional connection they shared after sweaty nights of needy moans and breathless groans.
Eight years as colleagues, friends, housemates and eventually lovers … and now, exes.
“Jongin? Where are we now? I fell asleep again.”
“Our neighbourhood. I didn’t want to wake you.”
Kyungsoo straightened himself in the seat, rubbing his eyes and then stared right ahead. He checked the time and realised it was already two in the morning.
“Jongin, you drove around for the past hour?”
“Yes.”
Silence.
“Why do you hate the word ‘partners’ so much, Soo? Like it or not, we are still partners. Maybe not domestically but professionally. I don’t understand why do you let one word affect you so much. I mean it is just a word that can mean so many other things, and I don't want you to get stressed up over small things like that, ok?”
“Jongin, do you know how it made me feel? Let me tell you - whenever I hear that word, it feels like my heart is being sliced by a blunt rusty knife, slowly causing discomfort. I feel actual pain in my chest and I hate that it hurts so much while there you are, looking unaffected. I know you are trying to detach from all of this but maybe, I move at a slower pace than you in accepting what is in store for us. Sometimes I don't know what I am doing anymore.”
Silence.
“This is what you always do, Jongin. You make me talk, all open and vulnerable, then you keep quiet as if nothing mattered anymore. You said we don’t talk anymore yet when I do, you stay silent. What happened to the person I used to know, who shared so much? Or have you used up all the words meant for me?”
Silence.
Jongin’s mind was so full of raging thoughts yet he could not even string a complete sentence nor utter a single word. He felt like his head was going to explode but perhaps, silence was the best option now. He checked the navigation although he had memorised the route he took for so many years. Things were getting blurry and he felt trickles of sweat down the back of his neck. He tried to reach for Kyungsoo’s hand but Kyungsoo had both arms firmly crossed across his chest.
“Let me hold your hand, Soo. We used to enjoy these aimless night drives, remember?”
Kyungsoo, with watery eyes still transfixed on the road ahead, relented and lets Jongin interlaced their fingers in a tight firm embrace. They both grabbed a little tighter, as if sending unspoken assurances that they still have each other. Sometimes they both wonder why did they love so hard. Kyungsoo leaned forward to kiss Jongin’s fingers and then Jongin’s turn to kiss Kyungsoo’s.
“What happened to us, Jongin? We never stopped loving each other, did we? I know I didn’t and I know that you didn’t too. Where did we go wrong? How can we get back to what we had? I cannot stand the thought of us being like this. Our families won’t find us, let’s go somewhere really far. Let's leave everything behind and we know people who can help create new identities right?”
They had these conversations many times before, and each time they both agreed that sometimes, people stopped communicating and drifts apart, but there were no specific reason for that. That there was nothing wrong with each other or with the relationship they shared for years. That it was possible to still feel love for someone without having a romantic relationship. That the strains of their own reality have taken a toll on them so much until they become life companions instead. That their time was finally up. That this was just how it was meant to be, maybe.
“Soo, we didn’t go wrong and it was not anyone’s fault either. We both knew this was going to happen eventually, right? We were just buying time, as much as we can. We had good years of being together. Yes the relationship ended, but the feelings we had, never did. We cannot fight our destiny, because it’s just a losing battle. Stop saying I am unaffected because that hurts. You should know how many times I tried to free myself and us from all these right?”
Kyungsoo pulled his hand away, to clasp them together where his face hid. He knew what Jongin said was true. He knew that this relationship was never meant to happen in the first place. He knew he took a huge risk when he sent Jongin that message that night. He knew Jongin had risked it all too, when he responded positively.
When things started to get serious between them, they decided to tell each other the truth and since then, they both knew that someday, their feelings or relationship need to stop in order to protect each other from the wrath of their rival families. They knew that one day, they will have to choose between loyalty and love. They prayed every single day that, that day will never come.
Both of them were sent for enforcement trainings so that they will be able to learn how these uniformed groups work, from the inside. Gaining power over the urban jungle means having control over the city fighters and defenders. They were supposed to eliminate their family rivals’ sons i.e them, or be eliminated themselves. Being next in lineage means having almost all the resources and support in their hands, but they were both more determined to stay together so they dealt with their problems differently - by shutting down all of their families street activities, one by one. But both their families are forces not to be reckoned with, so the tougher things got on the streets, the more aggressive the families behaved.
Kyungsoo and Jongin vowed to combine forces to deal with the “city destroyers” even if they were their own family. They thought that fighting them together will eventually lead to peace and have everything under control, but over the years, it seems that the rivalry and the quest for city control had gotten worse. Their families are closing in and eventually, everything will have to see the light. Word has already gotten out few months ago, that both their families had sent out bounty hunters to search for them. Since then, they both knew that being together was no longer an option.
There will be no happy ending to their tragic beginning. They were tasked to end each other’s lives, but they fell in love instead.
The car stopped at the basement carpark of their housing complex and Jongin parked at their usual assigned lot. Something felt different. Jongin knew. He promised himself from the day he got together with Kyungsoo, that if it ever comes to the point where someone has to get hurt, it has to be him, not Kyungsoo. He was ready anytime for this.
“Soo, seven o'clock and three o'clock, total five bulls. I think they are yours, coming for you. We have talked about this for so many years so we both knew this day will come, Soo. They are here. The tracker is under my seat. If we pull this off, we will be free. If needed, look for Kim because I have already arranged everything exactly like how we want them to be, and the safe word is kilodeltasoo.” Jongin nonchalantly muttered, as he reached for the metal hardware strapped on his right leg, pushed Kyungsoo’s body down to hide him from visibility, cowered over him protectively as he took aim for something in the shadows near their car.
The next thing Kyungsoo heard was the cocking sound of the revolver barrel and Jongin whispering in his usual teasing tone, “Can you love me today, Partner?”
The windscreen shattered suddenly and between the flying bullets, they managed to say their goodbyes. Kyungsoo stretched for his own metal piece hidden under the car seat, in that crouching position, he replied for the first time - “I think I can love you, but not today - every day, Partner.”