Chapter Text
Lee Felix.
The boy who was there. And then was not.
I don’t know how to start this. I don’t know how to write this without hurting you more than I already did. I don’t know how to write this without thinking of you because I have to think of you once more even though it tears me apart. I haven’t stopped thinking about you. I’m still heartbroken and I still find the need to cry because I haven’t moved on yet: my heart still needs to be stitched back together. It still beats, but it’s dead inside. You turned it pitch black. I wonder if it will recover its color. I wonder if it will beat against like it used to for you. Only time will tell.
If you’re reading this it must mean we broke up. It must mean the worst is behind us.
First off, I hope you’re happy, beaming in ecstasy, living everyday like it’s the last one and loving fully. I wouldn’t wish you nothing but the best. I hope your new life without me reflects the fact that you never needed me, that you’ve moved on and left us behind. I wish I could do the same.
“The past is just the past, and we need to learn how to walk away from it before it catches up with us and harms us.”
But I can’t. That’s why I’m writing this. I need to access my thoughts, to order my head and my feelings. I wish I could write everything that goes through my heart and doesn’t leave. So, this is my attempt.
I can’t promise you that what lies ahead will not hurt you. But I can promise you that after you’re done reading it, you’ll feel better. Your heart will feel lighter, and your mind will be at ease. It will heal us both. It will allow me to move on for my sake.
I won’t have to blame myself anymore. The voices in my head will cease hurting me.
I won't ask for a second chance because I know you'd love to have me at your knees, begging for you. Begging for you to let me in again. I won't because I'll only fall deeper and deeper, and i'm still learning to pick myself up. I have so much to learn still. You're teaching me lessons about life, lessons I never thought someone like you could teach anyone. I underestimated you a lot these past few years, and that was a mistake. I made plenty of them, and I acknowledge them. Yet you made mistakes too. There's nothing more human than being broken yet having the ability to move on. And learning from mistakes.
Felix,
with the ginger hair and starflecked cheeks.
A loaded weapon ready to kill. Such merciless and ruthless weapon in the shape of an angel. Pure soul, gentle smile. How could I have ever said no to you?
I’m not gonna blame you. We’re both to blame here. It just hurts that you always knew how to move on faster than the rest, you alway knew how to leave people behind.
I don’t know how to do that; I don’t know how to leave you behind. I don’t think I even want to, to be honest. How is it possible to ever leave someone like you behind when you’re always in front of people and never behind them? I’ll have to figure it out.
Maybe I reached out to you for so long I forgot how it’s like to feel wanted. How it is like to be held in somebody’s arms and know that no matter what happens, they won’t let go. That they won’t let you fall to the ground and shatter like glass. They have you in their arms and that’s the only thing that matters. You were the only thing that ever mattered to me, and sometimes I still wish I could’ve been the same to you.
Yet time has passed and I can’t find the warmth in you that lured me for so long. I stayed more than I should’ve and that is a regret I’m going to have to carry for the rest of my life.
I wonder what hurts you the most: that you stayed with me, or wishing I had never left. I’ve asked myself that question over and over again, hoping that I would find an answer, and I’ve tortured myself with it ever since i stepped out the door and walked away. I still can’t figure it out. Maybe I never will, and that’s ok. I don’t have all the answers and neither do you and that’s ok.
Let me let you go. That’s what you always did best, telling people what to do.
I don’t want to live in the past anymore. This is my way of walking forwards, of getting away from everything that was once a home to me. I think now more than ever I understand the phrase “nothing is forever” which is entirely true: we weren’t made to be a forever. We were made to be a once in a lifetime.
I had the privilege of knowing you. I had the curse of dying with it,too.
So many secrets I kept that continued to burden me down even though I was already on the ground. So many times I drowned in your tears because you wanted to swim but couldn’t. I was buried alive next to every single secret you kept shoving down my throat. I’m still underground.
Those secrets are shards now, encrusted in my gut, though perhaps its edges will dull with time. I, myself, am in shards too: my body has broken down to fragments on the floor, scared and waiting for the next wind to blow me away. I always wait.
I wanted it to be spring so badly I forgot there was winter in between. I forgot that when the warmth disappears, the cold creeps through the skin and freezes the heart. I have been living in a never ending cold ever since. Someday I know I’ll get used to it. Or maybe someday it’ll become a part of me too.
Maybe I wanted to have my heart broken by you. Maybe I gave you the weapon to murder me without knowing it. Or maybe I did know, but convinced myself you wouldn’t pull the trigger. You were always a man of action, and I should’ve known you would be the first one to act. I should’ve been faster, but there’s no winning against you.
Perhaps I thought that by breaking my heart, I would break yours in the process as well. I was wrong. There is no breaking you because you rise higher than the rest, you take somebody’s pain and forge it until you’re above them, standing tall like a skyscraper. You look down on everyone. You’re unreachable.
I’ve come to think you never truly loved someone before in your life. I was the first one; hopefully I will be the last. No person should go through what I went through with you. No person deserves that pain.
Your love hurts. And you don’t even know it.
But the purpose of this letter is not to bring you down, to tell you who you are; you know exactly what kind of person you are and the pain you caused in me. You always knew everything.
I made a list of things I wish I could’ve said to you but never did. Things that I kept inside of me when we were together. Something always managed to hold me back. Perhaps it was your words. Perhaps I was just frightened: I was scared of the truth that lay in your eyes. I didn’t want that truth. I never liked it, unlike you.
These are some of your traits, part of your personality that I noticed along the way of loving you:
- Greed
- Jealousy
- Liar
You're much more than that but maybe you won’t acknowledge them. I don’t care: it’s the truth. Not my truth, but the universal truth. I’m not saying I’m not flawed, I’m saying I do acknowledge my imperfections but you don’t. I know you never will, it’s just not in your nature. I can’t force you to open your eyes and look at something you don’t want to. That’s the real purpose of all of this. I want to try to open your eyes to the person you truly are (or at least the person you were to me).
I don’t think there’s something wrong with a little bit of honesty. I’m just asking for your time. And your heart, to open it. It’s been closed for so long.
You’re hurting your heart. And you don’t even know it.
Bang Chan.