Chapter Text
Lizzie’s mind was reeling. Josie’s confession messed with her mind in so many ways. She didn’t know how to react first. Tease her sister about a stupid crush. Tease Hope for enjoying the thought of Josie’s crush. Feel betrayed that Josie kept something so big from her. Not just the crush, but the fire as well. Those thoughts plagued her mind for sure. But the overwhelming thought was that of devastation.
Her sister disliked and distrusted her so much that she lied to her about something so huge and basically started Lizzie on a warpath with Hope and cast her as a pariah at the school. Because whether or not Josie just lied about the rumor mill, or if there had actually been rumors about Lizzie, it no longer mattered; because it had been a self-fulfilling prophecy in the most horrible way. Lizzie thought people hated her because of her episodes so she treated them badly. Then people actually did start to hate her because she treated them badly. Either way you look at it, Lizzie lost. She lost everything. Her sister most of all.
Hope left a while ago, probably to process the events and revelations of the last few days. Especially, the last few hours. And Lizzie was left in the room with Josie. Not even a full week ago, Josie had been affected by the stupid mind-controlling slug and had admitted that she thought Lizzie was the worst sister ever. And now, she just admitted that she created a riff between Lizzie and Hope all those years ago because she thought Lizzie would go after Hope if she found out that Josie liked her. Was she really that terrible of a person? Or sister?
She hadn’t moved from her spot since the confession. Hope left. Josie stared at her shyly. Full of guilt and worry. When Lizzie said nothing in response or reaction to Josie’s admission, her sister continued to get ready for bed in silence. So Lizzie let her.
When Josie had finished readying herself for bed, Lizzie finally blinked away her thoughts. But nothing could erase the damage that they had already inflicted. She wordlessly got ready for bed herself. Then when she was done, she climbed into bed and turned out the light.
“Goodnight.” Josie whispered.
She sounded so small. Reminiscent of the old Josie. The one who had needed a charmed necklace from Hope just to be heard. And it hit Lizzie like a slushy to the face. She sat up in her bed and turned on the light.
“Did anyone ever actually talk about my episode? Do they know?” Lizzie whispered because she needed to know.
Josie swallowed visibly and shook her head slowly. She couldn’t even look at Lizzie, and that piled on to the pain and anguish rattling around in Lizzie’s mind. She hated everything about all of this.
“So...no one even knows about my...my...bipolar?” She asked just as hesitantly.
“Not really. I mean, you’ve had a few episodes here and there since then. But they’ve always started their own rumors as to why.” Josie admitted.
“And what do most people say about me?” She never felt so exposed in her life.
“They think you’re overreacting for attention. Or that you are being selfish.” Josie looked anguished. Her hands trembled and she steadied herself as to not break down. It seemed like she wanted to come over to Lizzie to comfort her, but knew enough in that moment to keep her distance.
“They do hate me. Don’t they?” Lizzie pleaded, hoping she was wrong about all of it.
Josie bit her lip. “Not everyone. I really….I am sorry about what I did back then. About what I said. I’ve hated myself for it for the last three years. And for the record, whenever I do hear someone say something bad about you, I defend you. I always have. It’s….it’s part of the reason things between Penelope and I didn’t work out.”
Lizzie raised an eyebrow. “ Part of the reason? She hates me, Josie.”
“Not really. And not for the reasons you think.” Josie argued.
“She told me that I suck the life out of you. That I don’t leave any room left for you .” Lizzie fought back. “Did you...is that what you told her about me? Did you complain about me to her?”
Josie shook her head forcefully. “No. I’ve always stuck up for you. I literally have done everything since that day three years ago... for you. And...she didn’t know why. I never told her. Because I felt so guilty and I didn’t want anyone hating me for a mistake that I couldn’t take back. So, she misunderstood or misinterpreted why I did those things for you, at the expense of myself. And she never told me about that stuff, when we were dating. She just always...she...poked.”
Lizzie nodded trying to understand. It explained a lot, but still it didn’t make any of this set right with her.
“All this time...not only have you been lying to me…”
“Lizzie…”
“Josie, it’s my turn to talk. I think you owe me that much.”
Josie bit her lip and remained silent.
“All this time, I thought you were supporting me. That you loved me so much that you were the only one in the entire world who had my back. But it was all a lie to appease your guilty conscience. And to make things worse...I beat myself up trying to be worthy of you. I always thought you were this perfect sister, and I loved you for it. So much. And I hated myself when I didn’t live up to what you deserved. When I inevitably let you down. I know I’m selfish. I get that. And I know that when I have episodes, it embarrasses you and maybe even scares you. But I’ve been trying. I spelled a bracelet to try to be a nicer person. And for what? This whole time you’ve secretly been hating me anyway. You don’t even notice how much I’ve changed or how much I’m trying, because I think you still see that scared and selfish thirteen year old who teased you about being obsessed with Hope because I was jealous that you spent so much time with her. The irony of all of this is that I was scared that you would choose her over me.”
Josie was crying as her shoulders shook in violent, yet silent, sobs. Lizzie wanted to comfort her, but she was in too much pain herself.
“I’m sorry you hate me so much. But I won’t apologize for who I’ve become. Especially since this monster that you despise so much is partly your own making.” Lizzie told her firmly. “But I still love you. You have broken my heart, and lost my trust. But I will always love you.”
Josie’s cries were no longer silent. Her wail of grief echoed off the walls. This time, Lizzie did walk across the room and pulled her sister into her arms to comfort her. She needed the comfort and the contact just as desperately. They held each other fiercely as Lizzie descended into sobs as well. When they had eventually cried themselves out, it was Josie who spoke.
“Will you ever be able to forgive me for what I’ve done?” She asked; sounding so broken.
“Honestly? I don’t know.” Lizzie told her as her own voice cracked at the admission.
“That’s fair. I deserve it.” Josie said as she finally pulled out of Lizzie’s embrace. “I will work to deserve your forgiveness. And also earn back your trust. I will be the sister worthy of you this time.”
Lizzie closed her eyes to try to impede the reappearance of tears. “Josie…”
“No, I get it. I need to do this. I have been awful to you if I made you feel like all of that. It had never been my intention. I was so scared back then...I never stopped to think about how it would affect you. How it did affect you. And it ended up costing me a chance with Hope anyway. So it was all for nothing. I lost you both in the end. And I lost myself along the way somehow. I hate what I did to you, but please know that I never hated you. I was jealous of you. I was intimidated by you. But that was all on me. My own low self-esteem. And I really do need to work on all of that. I’m trying to change, too. Trying to learn to take care of myself without stepping on you to do it.”
Lizzie smiled sadly at that. “How did we end up like this?”
“Abandonment issues. Partly. I mean, Mom’s been away for most of our lives doing god knows what. And Dad...he’s here every day...but never really here . Not really. It was easy to blame our issues on Hope the last few years because I had already made her the scapegoat, and then we just used her as the reason Dad avoided us. But that was never her fault either. That was on Dad.”
Lizzie nodded. “We need family counseling. And I need to up my therapy.”
“I do, too. I didn’t even realize how destructive I had gotten until recently. I mean, I lit Penelope on fire because I was jealous. I keep kissing her, because I’m sad and lonely and hurting. I keep hurting you. And all this time, the person I’ve always been mad at...is never here.”
“Mom?”
Josie nodded.
“I miss her, too.” Lizzie confessed. “So much it hurts.”
“And as horrible as our impromptu road trip was...it was really nice to spend time with Dad. Even if we still had to share him.”
“I agree.”
The room was enveloped in an awkward silence.
“I really think I’m broken...Lizzie. And I don’t know how to fix it.” Josie whimpered quietly in the stillness of the room.
Lizzie stared at her in awe. “I know this may sound shitty at the moment...but you admitting that...it makes me feel better. Because, this whole time, I felt so alone battling my demons. I thought….well, I compared myself to you and thought you were perfect so I hated myself for not being perfect.”
Josie nodded in understanding and a small, sad smile made it to her lips. “I’m so far from perfect. In a way...it’s nice that it’s all out in the open, because I hated people assuming I was something that I wasn't. It made the guilt worse. And the self-hatred.”
Lizzie hugged her tightly against her chest. “I don’t think either of us are broken though. Cracked a bit, but not beyond repair. At least, that’s what I think now.”
“Works in progress?”
“Lots of work. But yeah, I guess so.” Lizzie sighed. “I’m sorry that I went after the people you liked....I...I didn’t even want them. I just...I didn’t want you to have them, because I was scared that you’d leave me. Just like everyone else does.” She held Josie more firmly, as if reassuring herself that she was still there. “I guess you were right about the abandonment issues.”
“We somehow became recklessly co-dependent. I didn’t see it at first, but Penelope...she said some things to me as well. Recently. I’m only starting to understand.” Josie frowned. “How come you never went after her?”
Lizzie pushed her away with a light chuckle. “I do have standards, Josie.”
Josie rolled her eyes. “And you wonder why she hates you so much. You’ve always been awful to her. And you can’t even blame that on thinking that she knew about your episodes, because she wasn’t here then.”
Lizzie shrugged. “She was the first person that actually made you happy. And it’s not like I wanted you to be unhappy, I would never wish that for you. But she...she wasn’t someone I could make a move on just to keep her away from you. She would have seen right through it...and she wouldn’t have been interested in me anyway. That girl only has eyes for you. And I think that’s what scared me the most. She’s the one who could have made me lose you. Because when you were with her….you didn’t seem to need me as much. And...I...I wanted someone to need me. Even if I had to become selfish and create problems for myself just to have you fix them for me.” She frowned. “I’m sorry for that.”
Josie stared at her wordlessly for a while. “We need to work on so many things. I think this is the most honest we’ve ever been with each other. And the only way for us to move forward...is to keep communicating with each other. Instead of assuming we know what the other is thinking or feeling, or instead of letting our own self-doubt creep in...we really need to work on being better with each other. And kinder to ourselves.”
“While we’re being honest. You singing on stage for the talent show was not only the most proud I’ve ever been of you....but it was the first time I felt like I did the right thing by you. I was proud of myself in that moment...for making sure you had the spotlight. Because you deserved it. You were so good.”
Josie ducked her head in embarrassment.
“No, it’s true. You were amazing.” Lizzie confirmed, again.
“Thank you.”
Lizzie sat up straighter. “Now...is there anything you want to say to me? Any moment you were proud of me or…”
She sounded sarcastic because it was her default, but she never felt more vulnerable in her life. And she hoped in didn’t show all over her face.
“I know after everything, you may not believe me, but I’ve always been proud of you. You stand up for me when most kids overlook or tease me. You wholeheartedly accepted me when I came out to you, and that meant everything to me. You’re my best friend. I may have sacrificed my first relationship by catering to you because of my guilt, but it didn’t mean that I wouldn’t have anyway. I love you, Lizzie. I always have. And I always will.”
“No more secrets?” Lizzie questioned sincerely.
Josie shook her head. “No more secrets.”
They hugged again. Then Lizzie returned to her bed and shut the light back off. She lay in bed unable to sleep as she heard Josie’s quiet snores and even breaths filter throughout their room. Lizzie climbed out of bed and left the room to wander the halls. Eventually, she found her way into the kitchen. And she wasn’t the only one who had such ideas.
“You couldn’t sleep either?” She asked Hope as she watched her sneak a snack out of the freezer.
Hope slammed the door shut and spun on her heels. Her eyes widened as they landed on Lizzie. “No...how could I after the night we had?”
Lizzie shrugged. “Don’t know. Josie seemed to have no problem with it.”
Hope’s features softened. Lizzie raised an eyebrow in question but all she got from Hope was a shrug.
“A little late for ice cream, isn’t it?” Lizzie asked after a few moments of uncomfortable silence.
“It’s never too late for ice cream.” Hope smirked as she grabbed two spoons and inclined one toward Lizzie.
Lizzie smiled as she walked over to Hope and took the offered spoon, then she sat down on the chair beside her and they shared the bowl of ice cream.
“Do you think we could have always been doing this?” She asked awkwardly after a few bites.
“What? Sharing ice cream?” Hope teased.
Lizzie rolled her eyes. “No, talking civilly. Being friends.”
Hope studied her. “I thought about that most of the night. Where would we have been had Josie not started the fire and lied to you about me.”
“And what was your conclusion?”
“I think that all three of us were young back then. And have been through so much since. It’s hard to know for sure.”
“That’s a cop out and you know it.”
“I hated you because you hated me. But...even if we hadn’t hated each other...I wasn’t in the place to let anyone in. Not really. Like I told you in the car, I’m just as prone to some of the same issues as you. I had or have my own shit to deal with.”
Lizzie hummed in agreement. They each ate a few more spoonfuls.
“When did that change?” Lizzie asked.
“When did what change?”
“When did you finally decide it was time to let people in. Let Josie in?”
Hope licked her lips and Lizzie’s eyes automatically followed the movement. Then Hope sighed loudly and it brought Lizzie’s eyes back up to Hope’s face. She hoped she hadn’t blushed or been caught staring.
“I got sick of being lonely. I know, I brought it all on myself...but it didn’t make it better, you know. Being alone sucks. But being lonely in a room full of people is worse. And...I guess...I remembered the thirteen year old girl who followed me around and was the first and only person at this school who was really nice to me.”
Lizzie’s eyes widened. “Oh my god. You had a crush on Josie.”
Hope bit her lip and looked away as blush dusted her cheeks.
“You even gave her a birthday present this year. It ended up saving her freaking life. And wow…” Lizzie rubbed at her temples and closed her eyes. “I need to process this.”
“Please don’t tell her. I know that it’s in the past and I’m with Landon anyway.”
“And she kisses Penelope.”
“Wait. What?” Hope stared at her with furrowed brows. “Like...more than once. I thought it was the slug thing that made them seem close...but…” Her eyes widened in realization. “Penelope did write her a note.”
Lizzie groaned. “What is it with gays and their notes?!?!”
Hope actually laughed out loud at that.
“So...the rest of this semester is going to be interesting.” Lizzie breathed out as she sat her head down on the table. She squeezed her eyes shut because suddenly she had a headache just from imagining all the drama that was bound to come.
“I...planned on checking in with you in the morning, but since you’re here...I know that it’s a lot to process, but...how are you? I know that what Josie said really threw me for a loop, so I can’t imagine how you feel about it all.”
Lizzie popped one eye open to scrutinize Hope. Then she opened the other one and just stared at her openly. “You’re actually asking….like, because you want to know? Or because you think you should?”
Hope rolled her eyes and shoved at Lizzie. “I know we didn’t always get along, and now we know a lot of the reasons why...but I’m not the horrible person you think I am. I actually care. I always have.”
Lizzie sat up and relaxed a bit at the admittance. “Oh.”
“Yeah. So, I’m asking as a... friend. If I may be so bold.” She smiled with confidence, then her face softened. “Are you okay?”
Lizzie nodded hesitantly. “I will be. I think. Josie and I have a lot to work through...but we had a nice talk, and I think we’ll be okay, too. I hope so anyway. I still need her. Even if she doesn’t actually need me.”
Hope frowned. “She does. That’s what this was all about. She needs you so much, that she gave up her own chance at happiness to keep the two of you close.”
“That’s not what happened.”
“Tell me something, and be honest. If you knew that Josie liked me...would you have gone after me, like she feared you would?”
Lizzie thought about it and then she hated herself for the answer. “Yes. I would have. And I am a horrible person because it wouldn’t have been because I liked you, it would have been to keep her from having you. Or rather, you from having Josie.”
Hope nodded without emotion, as if she had expected as much. And that felt like another gut punch. She must have noticed Lizzie’s reaction.
“Oh, hey. That wasn’t a judgment. I was just making an observation. So, see, Josie sacrificed her chances with me...to keep you.” Hope told her.
“No, it was to keep you to herself. To keep you away from me.”
“Maybe part of it. But you underestimate how much she does love you.”
“Can I ask you a question, that I’m pretty sure I know the answer to--but I’m going to make you say it out loud?” Lizzie wondered a moment later.
“Without actually knowing what was in the note...had she told me she liked me, would I have admitted that I liked her back? Yes.”
Lizzie narrowed her eyes at her. “And...even with Landon in the picture now…”
“And Penelope, apparently.” Hope added callously.
“Right. If she were to do the same stupid romantic gesture…”
“If she were to start my room on fire and burn my family keepsakes…”
“Stop making this harder for me...just answer the question.” Lizzie practically growled.
“You never asked a question.” Hope smirked.
Lizzie rolled her eyes. “I hate you.”
Hope’s smirked turned into a genuine smile, and Lizzie smiled in return.
“So much has happened lately, I don’t know how I’d respond. I think...I think that we would have to really talk. We’ve only just become friends, and she means too much to me to rush into anything or to risk throwing what we started to develop away just because of nostalgia for the past.” Hope answered honestly.
Lizzie studied her and finally nodded her head in acceptance. “I’m glad we’re finally friends. You’re a good person, Hope Mikaelson.”
Hope smiled wide and her eyes lit up. “Thank you.” She tucked a piece of hair behind her ear and met Lizzie’s eyes with hers. “So are you. The second best Saltzman I know.”
Lizzie rolled her eyes, but her smile didn’t leave her face. “I can deal with that, Josie did write you a love note and all.”
“I was talking about your dad.” Hope grinned wickedly before cackling.
Lizzie pushed her so hard she almost fell off her chair. “Have I told you how much I hated you recently?”
“A few more times, and I might actually start to believe you.” Hope teased again.
Lizzie huffed. “Goodnight.”
She went to walk away, but Hope reached for her arm and stilled her in her movements.
“Nice talk. Really. I am glad you’re okay...or that you’re going to be, especially with Josie. I know I somehow inadvertently came between you back then and I really would hate to be the reason now.”
Lizzie noticed the vulnerability in Hope’s eyes so she decided not to tease her. “I enjoyed our talk as well. Let’s do it more often.”
Hope smiled at that, then released her hold on her. “Night, Lizzie.”
“Goodnight, Hope.” Lizzie replied as she turned and walked away from her.
She was beyond exhausted. Still completely confused. But she felt a lot better about so many things. She just hoped that things were still good between them all in the morning. But only time would tell.