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Chan's grip on his hips tightened. He felt the other growing more impatient and assertive as he was pushed harder against the wall. A moan slipped out of his mouth when Chan bit down on his bottom lip.
Though alarm bells started going off, they were in the distance. Ever in the distance. Minho was too distracted, too enraptured to take real notice of them. He hadn't felt this good in a while. Going to this party and neglecting his studies had been a good idea, he noted absentmindedly.
He sighed in content at the way Chan's tongue twisted inside his mouth- when he felt cold fingertips brush against his skin.
His eyes shot open and he almost bit Chan's tongue in his hurry to detach his mouth from the other's. He pressed his hand against Chan's chest, silently asking him for some space.
There was confusion and worry reflected in the elder's eyes as he stepped away from Minho. His wandering hand had dropped the moment Minho pushed him off.
Minho averted his eyes, staring at the ground as he felt his cheeks flush.
This had been a stupid decision from the very beginning. He scolded himself inwardly for having let things get this far. By now he should have learned that he didn't get nice things. Ever.
"Minho? ..I'm sorry.. I-I didn't mean to-"
"Shut up."
He stopped his internal pity party to focus on the other. Chan almost looked like he wanted to cry. That hadn't been Minho's intention. Chan didn't do anything wrong, it was him who was the problem. Not like Chan knew that though.
In the end his gaze found the concrete floor again.
" ..you didn't do anything wrong, hyung," he breathed out.
Chan ruffled his hair in agitation, eyes darting around. "Are you sure? I'm pretty certain I read the situation wrong.. Fuck-“ He bit his lip and squeezed his eyes shut. "I'm so sorry for making you uncomfortable, Minho."
Chan's big brown eyes opened again, wide with worry and something that Minho suspected was.. shame? Now this really wasn't right. The older lifted his arm as if to reach out but he changed his mind at the last second and let it drop again. Doubt and uncertainty in his gaze where before there were confidence and assertiveness.
Minho wanted to scratch his face raw at Chan's behavior. He had made him feel like shit for something he had no clue about, and Minho himself should have known better about anyways.
A harsh sigh escaped Minho's mouth as his shoulders sagged against the wall. He dragged his hands over his face and then fixed Chan with a determined look.
He had to make this right. Somehow. At least a little. Damage control of some sort.
"I like you, hyung. I like you a lot. And I want to have sex with you. So no, you didn't understand anything the wrong way."
His voice wavered as he went on. Chan's eyes had grown in size and Minho felt himself flushing again.
"I guess.. I guess I just freaked a little just now. Didn't really know what I wanted and figured last minute that things were moving too fast.
"So you don't have to blame yourself for anything. You didn't know."
Minho stood with crossed arms and pursed lips, entirely avoiding any eye contact and looked to the side. His face felt hotter than ever and he was anxiously anticipating Chan's response.
"Oh."
Minho waited for more but even after several seconds nothing came. He looked at Chan out of the corners of his eyes, only to realize that Chan himself had grown quite red in the face. His eyes were cast downward and he was awkwardly scratching his neck. A small smile playing at his lips.
At that sight some of the tension finally left Minho’s body. He recovered some of his confidence and pouted.
"'Oh'? That's it?"
Chan's eyes darted up to Minho's and he giggled nervously. "Uhm.. I mean. I also like you a lot too.. and, well, would like to have- have sex with you.."
Minho couldn't help but snort. Chan's smile widened to a grin and soon enough both were chuckling at the situation at hand.
—
That day he and Chan had officially begun dating. At the time he was more than thrilled, having all but forgotten about the situation that lead up to the confessions.
But weeks and weeks into the relationship he felt the familiar fear crawling up again. And it didn't take long for his breakdowns to return.
He'd lock himself away when he was by himself and would cry for hours.
He felt disgusting, like a lying bastard. He should have told Chan right from the start or should have never started dating him in the first place, his feelings be damned.
He couldn't keep his mental state hidden from Chan entirely. The guy was way too perceptive and empathetic. Yet he still reassured him that it was simple stress from exams and due paper work.
Internally he was just waiting for Chan to breach the one subject, he was sure would be his downfall. Though he never did. They were more than two months into their relationship with no sexual endeavours and Chan hadn't questioned it once. Which was bizarre to Minho. Didn't he expect sex at this point?
He sure wasn't going to be the one to open up the discussion with the panic inside building, only waiting for the forsaken day when everything would be exposed.
—
Said forsaken day arrived about a week after their exam period had ended and everyone felt like they could conquer the earth with all the stress factors vanquished. They chose to celebrate the occasion with pizza and a sleepover. Chan's roommate had left to visit his family for the weekend so him and Minho were alone in the dorm. Naturally they decided Minho would spend the night at Chan's place when they made their plans.
He had been very apprehensive at first at the suggestion. Keeping things hidden would certainly be more difficult once you lived together. But the idea itself gave Minho a warm mushy feeling in his stomach that made him agree to the proposal after all. Chan was making him soft, damn it.
So here he was in Chan's bathroom with the small bag of essentials he brought, getting ready for the evening. They had stuffed their faces with pizza and watched a few k-dramas during the afternoon and now it was nearing eleven pm. He had already washed his face and brushed his teeth and was currently inspecting his chest in the mirror.
He gently ran his fingers over the two scars marking the upper area of his chest. They had grown fainter over the last year, he noted. Still he made sure to use some cream on them. Better safe than sorry. After one last frown at his half naked self he threw on a dark shirt that was a little too big for him. It would hide the marks and he'd look just the right amount of both sexy and cute, exactly how he liked it and how he knew Chan liked it.
He was already clad in grey boxers so all that was left to do was a bit of styling and a round of perfume and he was ready to go.
Into Chan's bedroom.
For their planned cuddle session.
—
This was nowhere near a cuddle session anymore.
It had started as such. They had laid together, some soft music playing, just talking about nothing at all. It had started with simple teasing.
(Chan had been going off again about a topic Minho didn't even remember, sounding all philosophical and wise, so he had cut in.
"The way you talk and your hair color really make it seem like I'm dating an old man."
"Well, I never thought I'd end up with a bratty diva for a boyfriend either," had been Chan's response.)
The teasing turned into a tickle fight.
("But seriously with the amount you worry and stress I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't need a dye job anymore some time soon. It'll just be naturally gray."
"Alright, now I've had it," Chan had growled.
"What are y- Oh. Don't you dare-")
And the tickle fight evolved into a make out session.
(Both were breathing heavily as Chan was holding Minho down who had given his all to fend his boyfriend off. Only a downward flicker of eyes was needed for their mouths to seek eachother out.)
One of Minho's hands was tangled in Chan's silver curls, the other bunching up the fabric on Chan's back. Unconsciously he kept pulling the other close, wanting to get rid of the distance between them.
The older was just as enthusiastic with the way his tongue moved with Minho's. Chan had one hand tightly gripping his thigh and the other rubbing his hip.
An especially sensual squeeze on Minho's thigh made him moan. He had to break the kiss as he threw his head back, mouth wide open. He had probably never felt as turned on as at this moment.
He tried to pull Chan in with the hand in his hair, have him mark up his neck and shoulder but when the other kept still he frowned in displeasure.
The hands holding him loosened, their hold gentle and no longer insistent. He opened his eyes and noticed how Chan had moved back a bit. He didn't like the expression on his face.
Before he was able to ask what was wrong, Chan opened his mouth.
"Is this- are you- .. are you okay with this?"
For just a moment he was honestly confused, delirious in his heady arousal.
Until the reality of what just happened, of what could have happened hadn't Chan stopped it rushed in with a massive force. He sat up with a start. His eyes widenend, he felt blood rushing into his head and turned away in an attempt to hide his face.
He could feel Chan's worried gaze as he squeezed his eyes shut and thought a million miles a minute. He felt Chan move, his hands slipping away. Minho blindly grabbed them, holding them in place. He needed Chan to stay. The movement stilled.
They sat like that for a couple of minutes. With Chan between Minho's legs and Minho's head bent down, almost brushing Chan's chin. Minho felt him reassuredly squeezing his hands every now and again. Other than the music still playing Minho heard his own breathing, annoyed at how uneven it sounded. And he thought.
It couldn't go on like this. He couldn't keep playing Chan like this. Getting his hopes up and then crushing them. ..wasn't he playing himself too? By shutting down immediately once he grew aware of the situation? Even if he had felt more than good seconds before?
The fear ruled him. If Chan knew, would he leave him- he couldn't think like that. Trust was the most important thing in a relationship. And if he couldn't trust Chan to love him as he was then where was the reason to hold onto this relationship?
He sighed.
He had made a decision. He just hoped he wouldn't regret it. So he sought out Chan's worried eyes and looked at him with what he hope was believable reassurance and quiet determination.
"Yeah. I trust you, hyung. And you were making me feel really good.. can we continue? Please?"
He saw how some of the tension left Chan's body at that. But Chan was still an overprotective gentleman.
"Are you really sure?"
Was he? In all honesty, he didn't think so. But you had to start somewhere, right?
So he mustered up a confident, even flirty, expression as he nodded. He leaned up and whispered against the other's mouth "Yeah. I'm sure," before he brought their lips together again.
Chan groaned as their tongues met once more and Minho felt the vibration of it rock through his mouth. The neediness he had felt before returned in an instant. His hand found itself in Chan's hair again and he pulled, feeling pride glow inside of him as Chan made another guttural sound. He pulled again and kept a tight hold on the silver locks as he detached himself from the other. Minho gave Chan an imploring look with half-lidded eyes and used his other hand to give Chan's shirt a little tug.
"Off."
Chan didn't waste any time. The moment Minho had let go of him he ripped his shirt off and threw it away haphazardly. Eager to return to what they had been doing moments ago, Chan was met with surprise when Minho sat up and pushed him non-too-gently onto his back and crawled to sit on his hip.
"Reversing the roles, are we?"
Chan smirked up at him, excitement glimmered in his eyes. His hands found Minho's hips and his thumbs started to gently massage his skin there. Minho returned the smirk and then let his eyes and hands wander down the elder's torso as he answered.
"When did we ever establish 'roles', hyung?" And because he felt like being a little shit he rolled his ass down on Chan's hardening dick for emphasis. "Thought you'd be the one in charge?"
Chan's eyes squeezed shut and he bit his lip to stifle a moan. Minho found that he really liked seeing his hyung like that. So he took it up a notch. He rolled his hips like he did before but also bent down to bite one of Chan's nipples and pinch the other one with his fingers.
The high and desperate whine that followed as response had Minho almost becoming light-headed. He wanted to continue having Chan make these noises, making him feel good.
Abruptly his head was pulled off Chan's nipple as the elder slammed their lips together again, holding Minho's head in place. Chan apparantly had enough of being teased but that didn't keep Minho away from playing with his nipples. He smirked as Chan bit his lip in retaliation after he had to moan into the kiss.
Minho felt on top of the world. Chan's lips against his, the best feeling in the world. Chan's moaning and whining, the best sounds in the world. Even the slightly sweaty smell Chan carried had Minho smitten.
He was drowning so much in stimuli that he didn't think much of it at all when Chan started pulling at his shirt. Minho simply reached down, answering Chan's unspoken request. He pulled back a bit from the other so he could get the shirt off and after he had flung it somewhere into the room, he just went back to making out with Chan.
This felt different though. Intimate. Much much more intimate.
Chan's hands drifted over the bare skin of his sides, his back. Holding tight at some points, massaging at others. And it had Minho sighing and whining so much he couldn't focus on kissing anymore. So he moved his head down to Chan's shoulder and bit. Chan grunted and his hips shot up, grinding against Minho's. At the same time his hands travelled up Minho's chest. His thumbs started rubbing Minho's nipples seconds later.
Both moaned unabashedly, Minho stifling himself on the older’s shoulder. He felt Chan's hands move again and whined at the sensitivity. Chan kept exploring the sensitive area he had found. After he hadn't moved his hands from there in about a minute, Minho started to grow annoyed.
He was about to speak up when Chan's hands did finally move but only to push Minho up into a sitting position. The younger begrudgingly obliged and gave Chan an annoyed pout once he had fully sat up. Chan wasn't looking up at him though. He was looking at his chest.
Minho startled when he felt a finger brush that sensitive area again. He followed Chan's gaze and looked down at what Chan was tracing.
Minho froze.
He immediately felt both like face palming and hiding from the world.
Chan was tracing the two scars on his lower chest. How had he completely forgotten about them? He had been making out with Chan half-naked for a good twenty minutes now!
What would he think now? Would he be angry? Tell Minho to get lost? He really should've talked with him before letting things go this far..
Minho bit his lip in apprehension and fear, his hands grasping the bed sheets on his sides.
He looked up the tiniest bit, gazing at Chan through his fringe. The older didn't seem disgusted. There was a frown on his face and a trace of worry in his eyes.
Oh, he hasn't figured it out yet maybe I can-
Minho felt the fingers on his chest stop moving and watched Chan's mouth fall open in a small 'oh'-shape, his eyebrows shot up.
Minho gulped.
He dropped his head and closed his eyes, just waiting for Chan to harshly push him off and start screaming. Instead of that, though, he felt rough fingers on his chin. Gently his head was pushed up. He was too scared to open his eyes but then soft full lips pressed against his and his eyes fluttered open.
The kiss had been a simple peck but still Minho felt his cheeks flush a deep crimson for some unfathomable reason.
Chan took a hold of his face with both hands. And his thumbs gently wiped away the tears that had unbeknownst to Minho fallen. A small smile graced his lips.
Minho didn't trust himself to speak so he just kept staring at Chan with big round eyes. He was still loosely holding onto the bed sheets.
"Minho. It doesn't matter."
"But-"
"It doesn't. Nothing changes. You're still Minho." Chan pulled back a bit and gave Minho's nose a tap with every sentence. "Minho who adores his cats. Minho who whines a lot. Minho who loves to cook. Minho who can be a real diva. Minho who has the cutest habit of talking in third person. Minho who loves being an absolute brat to his hyungs. Minho who-"
Minho swatted Chan's hand away and rolled his eyes, cheeks still wet. "Oh my god. Yeah yeah, I get it hyung." He met Chan's gaze and returned the soft smile directed at him. He flipped his hair back in an attempt to get his usual bravado back as he continued. "I know I'm a pain in the ass."
Chan snorted. "I wouldn't want it any other way anyway."
"Well, good. 'Cause I hadn't planned on changing any time soon."
—
They had both agreed to postpone the night's activities to another time. Now Minho was cuddled up to Chan and they were just talking quietly. Neither had bothered to put their shirts on again so they laid together bare skin pressed against bare skin. There was an odd comfort in it.
Minho was tracing random lines across Chan's well-defined stomach as the other talked about what he at the rest of 3Racha had been up to recently. Every now and again Chan would have to giggle and he'd try to make Minho stop because it tickled. The younger would just stick his tongue out and tickle especially sensitive spots in response.
Chan kept talking and Minho hummed and nodded at the appropriate times but his mind was somewhere else.
"-and then I told Jisung, 'Jisung-ah, I know it's difficult but don't let your hormones drive you too much concerning lyrics,' and he sputtered and got all red. He kept saying 'Hyung, it's not like that' and I swear he got even redder after-"
"Is it really okay?"
He felt Chan turn his head. Minho kept looking down at Chan's stomach, following the outline of his developing six-pack with his index finger.
"Minho-ya, look at me," Chan said softly.
He sighed and reluctantly turned his head, bottom lip stuck out. Chan gave his pout a quick peck before he answered Minho's question.
"I love you for who you are. Man, woman, neither. Trans or cis. I don't really care. It doesn't make a difference to me, as long as you're still you. Okay?"
Minho regarded him for a moment, then snuggled up to Chan again. He rubbed his nose against Chan's neck.
"Okay."
"Minho."
"What?"
"Minho.."
"Fine.. I love you too, hyung."