Chapter Text
Why? Why did this happen? He really thought he was over it. Why can't he just stop thinking about it?
Yes, he should know, he should know the answer to all of those question but, he doesn't. John thought to himself. He almost felt like crying. Almost.... but he didn't. His world crumbled around him a few months ago and the only thing left standing was Sherlock. With Sherlock being the center of the world again, all of the old, confusing feelings came back. Ok lets not lie to each other. they never went way. Always just below the surface. Even with him dead. Even with Mary. Even with him not being gay. The feelings where always there. Now what to do with them? He tried to deny them. We all know how that worked out. When he was with Mary he could say it and no one would get the wrong idea. He was married to a woman who he thought he loved and had become infatuated his best friend, his best man, his flatmate. No one who think anything of it.
Now, now it's a different story. He was back at 221B, the life that he built after sherlock's fake death was gone and it was back to like it was before. Just like before there where the feelings. So yeah was there times back then where he would be in the shower and get off to the thought of Sherlock on his knees in front of him. or come home after a few with Greg and see Sherlock sitting in his chair wearing his dressing gown and wonder what would happen if he just went over and kissed him? He would only wonder, never act on it. More times more than not, his wank material had to do with Sherlock. Even when he was married, he thought about him in ways he shouldn't and at times when he shouldn't. Like on his honeymoon. It was just he couldn't get hard on the third night. He really didn't think his sexual fantasy about him where out of control, until that night.
The only thing that saved him was the whole drama with Mary, the baby and Moriarty. With the world turned upside down and the fear of death always being there. Who had time to think about his desire for Sherlock? With everything was done and over. When john's sadness and pain started to dissipated. John would catch himself thinking about how Sherlock's skin would feel under his hands, what he taste like, what his mouth felt like, what his face looked like when he came. Now everything is back to the way it was four years ago. John and Sherlock together on cases. Sherlock being a cock and John telling him so. John having a wank in the middle of the night to wonderfully dirty thoughts of Sherlock naked in some way shape or form. The only difference from the last time was John knew how he felt. this wasn't a crush or even a "phase". This was the one thing John couldn't deal with. The love for this man that was his world. Once john came to terms with what it was, he had to decide what to do with it.
John kind of had the thought that Sherlock knew how he felt. there is no way he didn't deduce it but if he knew why never act on it? why never bring it up? in John's head it would of been easier to hear Sherlock say "John you knew from the beginning i'm married to my work and I have no room for such things." Oh it would hurt but then maybe he could really move on from Sherlock. As John laid in his bed and thought about all of this, he came to the conclusion that he needed to know for sure. He would ask Sherlock how he felt and Sherlock would state the facts and it would be over and done with. Either which way, good or bad, he would deal with it. For god sakes he's been to war, got shot, he married an assassin and has a drunk as a sister. This shouldn't be big deal. John really did try and believe that. It's just wasn't working. So tomorrow John would face his fear and find out the truth. Once his mind was made up and he felt a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. He even let his mind wonder in to the "What if theory?" What if Sherlock dismissed his feelings? Yeah that would hurt but again he has dealt with worse. What if he asked him to move out? On top of hurt the thought of having to moving made John rethink the whole thing. Then it came to to what if John spilling his feeling to Sherlock and him reciprocating his feelings. The thought about how it would feel. How it would be for Sherlock to belong to him. To wake up next to him, to kiss him when ever her wanted, to tell him he loved him whenever he wanted.
With this the inevitable happened. That want and need to be with that man. Sometimes his fantasy were so very explicit he would even embarrassed himself. Not this time. It was about how it would be for john to show him how much he as loved him. With slow deep kisses and light touches over pale skin. This made john hard almost instantly. He knew that it would end up like this, it seldom didn't.
A very small "Oh god." slipped from his mouth as his hand reached his cock under his red pants. A dry wank was never ideal but it being the middle of the night and John just down right lazy. It just might have to do for right now. That lasted a few mins then he just had to do something about the problem. Laziness and getting off weren't a good combo. John has use his own spit from time to time with other people but just using it to get himself off...... only a few times when in the army. It wasn't as bad as one would think. What made it hotter for John was he imagined it was Sherlock's spit in sherlock's hand. As John licked and spit on to his own hand, his other hand started to take off his pants. By the time they were off he had already gotten a few strokes in and really wanted to get off. Throwing off his covers and sheets and pulling up the white undershirt he was wearing. Exposing almost all of his naked body.
He was getting close. oh so close. he was right on the edge. This was the point where john could go full force, hard and fast or keep the slow and steady and make the feeling last. He went with slow and steady.
At the same time Sherlock decided something also. He decided to pic up the violin and play. It's like he read john's mind. It's like he was there watching john and that's the thought that made John come so hard that he had to cover his mouth with his arm.
John stayed like this for a few mins thinking about the music he was hearing. Then it happened. He broke down and the tears started. Why it happened john wasn't sure. Was it the thought of making love to Sherlock? Was it the fact he might never have the chance to? John was unsure. All he knew was it felt good after. God, when was the last time he cried? He wasn't sure and at this point it didn't matter. All he knew he didn't feel like moving and after tomorrow things would be different.
The music still played as he cleaned himself off. The music still played as he drifted off to sleep. He was content to know Sherlock, for right now, was there, down stairs, in the living room, playing his violin.