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He kept his breath underwater till his head was dizzy, and even then he didn’t come up for air. It was just a bathtub, but the bathtub was deep enough to drown in it if you tried really hard. He squeezed his eyes shut and clenched his teeth. “Do I really want it”? He asked himself. “Well, I know what I don’t want. I don’t want to live”. The most difficult part was to fight off the instinct to not let any water in or to break the surface for a bit of air.
He wanted to cry, and hurt himself, and end his life in the most dramatic way. He wanted to scratch his skin, pull his hair, and swallow the pills slowly enough to feel them, damaging his body.
And then, he thought about someone that has been keeping him alive for the last nine years. He came up as fast as he could, choking on water that had already accessed his airway. He coughed. Tears gathered in the corners of his eyes. He was so stupid and selfish that he hated himself even more right now. Cassie needed him. How could he even think about leaving her just because he was feeling depressed?
He was still coughing when Em burst into the bathroom.
“Kells! You okay”? He sounded genuinely worried, but still not authentically enough. He hates me anyway.
„Yeah, I’m fine. I just …dropped off”. Now, that sounded pretty authentic. “Can you toss me a towel? Thanks”. He dried his face and head, trying not to cough any more. He doesn’t really care. “Just go to bed, I’ll be out in a minute”.
Em didn’t look satisfied with the answer, but he left him alone when he saw Kells getting out of the bathtub. He hates me.
He never wore anything on the top while sleeping, but now he pulled a long-sleeved shirt on. He wasn’t cold, he had never been, but he felt the need for keeping distance from the older man in every possible way, let it be physical or psychic. He lay down on the right edge of the bed, his back to Em’s, and he wrapped himself in the sheets tightly. He flinched when he felt Em’s arms wrap around his waist. He pushed him back gently.
“I can’t fall asleep like that”, he said quietly, excusing himself for his sudden indifference. He wasn’t indifferent, but he used this as a mask to cover up his depressed state. Maybe that was why people thought he was such an asshole – like he didn’t care. Deep down, he cared too much.
Marshall’s words still resonated in his head while he was falling asleep.
You may act like a little kid, but you’re just a little piece of shit.
This is what he really was for Em. A piece of shit. Tears gathered in the corners of his eyes once again this night. He never even liked me. He just fucked me and made out with me, that’s all. He doesn’t give a fuck about me. No one does.
He felt dirty and sinful, as if they had committed a serious crime. And now they lay in one bed, but the distance between them seemed to reach galaxies. It’s been a long time since he felt so lonely and unloved.
But it hasn’t been a long since he had these dark thoughts going around his head. He’s been having them more and more often in the past few months and he couldn’t cope anymore.
He’s been craving for death too often lately, but he couldn’t nerve himself to do it. He had to live for his daughter, and for his fam. He just had to. It didn’t matter that every day when he went to sleep, he lay down, dark thoughts churning in his head, until sleep found him at 4 a.m. It didn’t matter that every time he opened his inbox he saw hundreds of hate messages, telling him to kill himself. It didn’t matter that now he lay in the bed next to the person he had admired for so many years, a person who he opened up to in every possible way, a person who just treated him as an easy fuck. It didn’t matter, because he was a grown up man, and men must be strong.
But he couldn’t stop the tears.
Soon they landed on the pillow, having paved their way down his cheeks. He clenched his teeth and tried to take a deep breath to calm himself down. He hates me. He wondered what Em would do if he found him dead in the morning. It was so easy to reach for the pills hidden in the drawer of a nightstand, and take them all. Would he even care? But I can't do it. I won’t do it. The pillow was already wet and cold. My body would be that cold if I died. What if I just lay with my face buried in the pillow? Maybe I'll just suffocate.
Stop. I can’t do it.
But would Em even notice? He won't notice. And even if he does, we wouldn't care less. He hates you, remember. You're nothing to him. He sobbed, shivering. He couldn't hold back the pain in his aching body. It was just too much; it ripped his heart and made his head feel like exploding.
“Hey”, he heard a soft voice. “What's happening”?
He bit his lower lip and tried to calm down. It bled.
“Nothing. Just…just a bad dream”. Oh, he wished.
“Hey. Look at me”.
No. I don’t want you to see me. He covered his face with a duvet.
“Hey, Kells”, he felt the older man pull the duvet down. “What happened”? Em was above him, leaning his arm on the bed right beside his face.
He felt trapped.
“Hey, look at me”. Marshall said more firmly, pushing him to put him on his back. Kells surrendered, but he turned his head so that the older man couldn’t see his face. And he sobbed again, catching air nervously. He couldn’t control it. He hates me. Just like everybody else.
“God, what happened”? Em grabbed his chin and made him look up, so he could see his face.
Kells didn’t resist. He was too occupied trying to calm down.
How the fuck do I know what happened? Life fucking happened. Em frowned, bothered.
“I-I’m sorry”, Kells choked out more than said. I’m sorry I’m such a mess. I know what you’re thinking; what a pussy. A fucking crybaby. A stupid whiner. Softie. Faggot.
“Don’t apologise”. Marshall lay down next to him and embraced him, pulling him closer and making him turn so he could look at him. Kells was so light that it didn’t take much effort to move his body so easily. “Just tell me what happened”.
I don’t know. You hating me? Or me being a fucking mess? Or people wanting me to kill myself?
“Or don’t, if you don’t want to”, he stroked the younger one’s back. Kells was shivering.
“Gosh, you’re sick, Kells”!
Well, that I already fucking know. “Don’t call me that”.
“I mean, you’re shivering! And you’re hot! You must’ve caught a cold”. He pulled the duvet, muffling the blonde up. “Why would you think I would call you like that”?
Well, “a piece of shit” was so easy to say that “sick” seems kind of natural, doesn’t it?
“Well, since you called me a piece of shit earlier I thought that sick suits me even better”, he said in one breath, avoiding eye contact. Em winced.
“Shit… I’m so sorry”, a gentle kiss landed on Kells’ forehead. “I didn’t mean it. I’m so sorry. I got carried away. I’m so sorry”. He hugged the young man even tighter, and started to stroke his hair and kiss his head and forehead. “I’m sorry”…
Kells was slowly starting to calm down. His tears have already dried, leaving an unpleasant feeling of stiffness on his cheeks. A shiver ran down his spine from time to time and he trembled, but Em held him tight, stroking his back and keeping the younger one’s head close to his chest.
How pathetically may it sound if I told you?
“I…”, Kells whispered against Marshall’s chest, I tried to kill myself today, in the bathroom.
“I what”? Em looked him in the eyes. He had the most beautiful, blue eyes, now red from having cried so much.
Kell sighed.
“Nevermind”.
He didn’t want to sound pathetic.
Em sighed. He felt he knew what Kells wanted to tell him, so he started:
“Back then… in the bathroom… You didn’t drop off, did you”? Em’s voice sounded sweetly calm, and it made Kells feel calmer, too. He was stroking the blonde’s back all the time, drawing soft lines with his finger pads.
Kells was quiets for a while, then he gathered the strength to whisper:
“No. I didn’t”.
“Why”?
“I”… Did he know why? I didn’t want to live… But isn’t it pathetic? He bit his lower lip once again, licking off the partly dried blood. Well, whatever. Just say it. “I didn’t… wanna live anymore”.
Em didn’t know what to say, although the answer was exactly what he had expected. He continued slow movements of his fingers on the fabric of the other’s shirt. His lips left a gentle kiss on Kells’ head.
“Do you want to live now”?
“A bit more”.
Em smiled softly. A bit more was always better than no.
“Kells”…
“Hmm”? The blonde lifted his head and looked at the older man.
“If something happened to you… I would be very sad”, he whispered, stroking the younger one’s hair. “Like, very, very sad”. He looked Kells deeply in the eyes, biting his lips before bringing them closer to the younger one’s in the softest kiss.