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He used to be so handsome in Jihoon’s eyes, strumming that guitar and playing their song, singing like his life depended on it and it’s all that matters in this world. Don’t get him wrong, he’s still handsome as ever, although Jihoon couldn’t help but look at the reality of their slightly damaged relationship right now. The younger can’t even remember when, how and what happened, one thing he knows it’s near over.
It scared him to think that the things which made him fall in love with the older are the same reasons he might fall out of love.
No, the thought terrified him.
Jihoon panicked because the once relaxing and enticing voice of his lover is now annoying, distracting and infuriating. He can’t focus on reviewing when on the other side of the room, Daniel is casually strumming his guitar, playing his usual songs and the like and Jihoon can’t help it. He clenched his hand on his pencil and shut his eyes tight. Fuck.
He inhaled and exhaled, breathing ragged as he tries to calm himself. The mock exams are nearing and he can’t be this preoccupied. He stood up and peeked outside to see Daniel writing songs and his heart melted at how beautiful his man is, doing what he loves and it drive him mad and guilty at himself for even thinking once that this, what Daniel is so passionate about, is distracting.
“Hey,” Jihoon walked towards Daniel and the older just smiled at him, putting down his guitar next to him.
Daniel guided him to sit on his lap and Jihoon complied. “I’m sorry, am I disturbing you?”
Jihoon wants to cry because of his thoughts just a while ago. “Sorry,” he whispered while his head is resting on the crook of Daniel’s neck.
He felt the vibration on Daniel’s chests when the older laughed. “Why? I’m sorry I’m so noisy. I’ll just drop by to Jaehwan’s to finish this song.”
The hands around Jihoon’s waist tightened and the younger never felt at home until now.
“No. Sorry, I love you.”
Daniel chuckled. “You’re so weird. I love you too.” He felt him kissed his temple and Jihoon never wanted to let go.
Jihoon is on his way to his mock exams at the university, he’s studying Law and he’s so sure he’s going to pass this first mock exam with the help of his professors and friends in the school and at the review center. Not until Jaehwan, Daniel’s friend, called him.
“Hello?” He answered although still confused as to why Daniel’s friend would call him. He spotted his bus on its way to the waiting shed he’s standing on.
“Jihoon? I’m sorry to call you but...” he heard Jaehwan’s hesitation for a moment before he spoke again, “Daniel’s wasted and he’s here in my house.”
Jihoon’s heart stopped for a moment there.
“Why?” his voice cracked.
“The song he passed to the company was rejected. I’m sorry, I should’ve stopped him from drinking so much. Are you busy? I could just drop him at your house.”
The bus stopped in front of him and the doors opened, the other passengers went inside and soon he was left alone. He could just step inside and let Jaehwan do his thing. Daniel must be sleeping because he drank so much, the answer is so easy but his heart seems to have different response to this situation. His mind and heart are always not in terms when it comes to Daniel and this time his heart won.
He shook his head at the driver when it asked him if he’s going to ride.
“No, I’m going there.”
He didn’t even bother taking the cab or the bus and just ran towards Jaehwan’s place. When he reached there he saw Daniel lying on the sofa, sleeping soundly. He sobbed when he saw how wasted his boyfriend is.
“I’m sorry Jihoon.” Jaehwan told him for the nth time but he paid no mind and just thanked him when he helped him carrying Daniel down his floor.
They were waiting for a cab, he curse inwardly when he realized how expensive taxis are, to fetch them. Daniel is leaning his weight on him, Jihoon can hear him mumbling but his mind, or rather his heart is so tired right now to listen. He snapped out of his reverie when his phone started ringing and he saw Seongwoo on the caller ID.
“Jihoon!? Where the fuck are you? The mock exams are starting in 20 minutes!” He didn’t even bother hiding his anger.
“Seongwoo..” he didn’t even realized that he’s crying.
“W-What happened?”
“Daniel is with me, he’s wasted.” He sobbed and looked at the figure leaning on to him. Daniel stirred when he heard his name and tried opening his eyes.
“What the fuck is he doing? Doesn’t he know that your mock exams are today? If you can’t come today you’re done!”
Jihoon knows that but he chose this. He chose Daniel over his mock exams and his dreams.
“He can’t even give and offer you anything properly and there he is drowning himself in alcohol? That bastard! Come here and leave him alone!”
“I-I can’t,”
Daniel is mumbling something but he can’t understand anything. He tried supporting him with all his might but Daniel is just so big and tall. Jihoon walked carefully towards the light post and leaned Daniel there to help him stand up.
“What do you mean you can’t? Jihoon this is your dream!” He can hear Seongwoo’s wrath over the phone and he’s so sure that Seongwoo’s going to kill him.
He started crying so hard while looking at Daniel who is his whole world. When did it become like this? It was all simple and uncomplicated back then. When did it become Jihoon and Daniel against their hopes and dreams?
“Leave him, Jihoon. He’s a fucking adult who can take care of himself. Leave. Now!”
“Okay, o-okay.” Jihoon broke in tears when he stared at Daniel’s tall frame trying so hard to stand straight but fails. He put his phone down and started caressing Daniel’s face. His vision now blurry because of the unshed tears yet his cheeks are so wet.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry Daniel. I’ll be back, o-okay?” He don’t know if Daniel could understand what he’s saying but his heart broke into more pieces when Daniel hold his hands caressing his face. “I love you so much please don’t hate me.” He leaned Daniel on the light post and dropped his hands.
Daniel groaned and Jihoon gathered all his strength to leave and walk towards the taxi in front of them. He was still weeping and crying when he went inside and told the driver his destination. Jihoon shut his eyes tightly and willed himself to look one last time to Daniel and he saw how the man tried to stand straight and walk but he came landing to the ground. His whole body now lying on the floor and Jihoon knows it was the end, he was decided.
Jihoon stopped the taxi and he ran so fast he thought he was going to fall. He sobbed and cried more when he went to Daniel’s side, the older struggling to stand up but fails every time he tries.
I can’t leave him, I can’t. And Jihoon knows that’s the turning point of their relationship.
He can’t bother to look at Daniel after he sobered up, he can’t look at those eyes because it reminds him of how easily he could throw all the opportunities and dreams he has to have him by his side.
Seongwoo is mad at him and Jihoon can’t blame his friend. He missed the first mock exams and the only thing he could do is to wait next year to take it again.
And Daniel… is writing his songs again.
Jihoon believed him when he said that he’s his muse, he trusted him when Daniel said that everything will be alright if they’re together and Jihoon hold tight into his promises because he loves him although now he can’t help but think that it’s all sugar-coated words. Love isn’t all about trust, taking care of each other and being together all the time. Love is about bringing each other up yet all Jihoon could think is they’re dragging each other down.
Jihoon applied for part-time jobs while waiting for the next mock exams. At day he works at the café downtown and at night he busies himself in helping his juniors on revising their thesis and papers. It was a good pay but not enough for their living expenses.
One night, he was so tired at the café and his head feels like spinning. He went out of inside of their room and saw Daniel was nowhere to be found. He flicked the light switch but it didn’t open. He assumed it was blackout but then he saw the neighbours lights open and it feels like its mocking him. Jihoon went inside the kitchen and saw how many dishes are on the sink, how messy the dining table is and how overflowing the trash is.
He can’t fucking breathe.
Jihoon felt his tears on the verse of falling and before he crumble he started tidying the table and throwing the trash outside. He’s sick of this fucking life. This is not what he imagined his life would be when he agreed living with Daniel two years ago.
He sniffed and tried so hard not to sob when he felt Daniel’s strong hands wrapped around his torso while he’s washing the dishes. Jihoon used to love it when his boyfriend backhugs him but now he hates it.
“Happy birthday,” Daniel whispered and Jihoon untangled himself from the hug and walked towards the counter to arrange the washed cutleries.
“I bought you a cake and a present.” Jihoon didn’t answer.
I don’t need a fucking present. He didn’t even remember that it’s his birthday today. It’s just a normal day for him. He doesn’t even bother celebrating it anymore.
“Hey, is there a problem?” Daniel caught his arms but he yanked it. Again, Jihoon stayed silent. He was so worn out to deal with everything, he’s so exhausted.
“Jihoon.”
That’s the last straw. Jihoon didn’t know how it happened but he started breaking down.
He turned his head back at Daniel and the older was shocked at how Jihoon’s eyes were at him now. Jihoon’s eyes went to the cake at the table and at the wrapped present Daniel was pertaining to a while ago.
He felt his body rigid and muscle stiff. Jihoon never felt so mad.
He went towards the cake and flipped it at the floor. He heard Daniel called his name and was about to stop him but too shocked to do so.
“You have money for this but none for our electric bills?” Jihoon’s tone was flat and he tried so hard not to shout and throw everything.
“Jihoon I just want to celebrate your birthday. Look, I bought you a gift too.” Daniel took the present and tried to gave it to Jihoon.
Jihoon smiled mockingly. “A present? I don’t need a present!” Jihoon jerked the present and it went to a direction they didn’t even bother looking at. “What I need is for you to apply for a damn job and help me pay for our living expenses!”
“I’m trying, okay? I’m writing more songs and —”
“I meant a real job!” Jihoon raised his voice.
“But this is my job, this is my passion, Jihoon.” Daniel’s voice almost broke Jihoon’s angry façade. His eyes losing its sunshine anymore, his lips quivering and suddenly Jihoon felt like finishing this damn fight and just kiss his man but he can’t.
“Passion!? Will your passion put a food on our table? I fucking gave up my passion for you, Daniel!” He sobbed. “I missed my mock exams and now I need to wait.”
“I didn’t ask you to stay with me that day.”
That pissed and annoyed Jihoon more. “So you’re saying I should went that day and left you lying on the ground, goner and helpless? The man I love?” Jihoon felt his eyes stinging with tears when he recalled that day and he immediately wiped his unshed tears.
Daniel looked down, at the floor where the cake was ruined and shattered. Fuck, fuck those eyes for being so transparent. Why does he always wear his heart on his sleeves?
“I’m tired.” Jihoon sighed and he looked at Daniel, at the man who’s once his sunshine. The man who taught him that it’s okay to depend on someone at times, it doesn’t make you weak. And right now all he wanted to do was to depend and show his vulnerable side to Daniel. To let him take every pain away.
“I’m so, so, so, fucking tired, Kang Daniel.” Jihoon said, in a quiet and gentle voice yet it resounded in the whole room. Please take the wheel now, Daniel.
But what Daniel said next broke Jihoon more.
“Are you saying you want to break up?” Daniel’s voice was hoarse.
“I’m saying I’m tired.” Jihoon can’t stop crying at this. Please just hug me once, Daniel.
Daniel nodded and Jihoon thought their fight was over, Daniel will find a new job and Jihoon will be okay after just one hug but Daniel turned around and walked outside the door without a word.
Jihoon legs gave away and he cried his heart out once again. Pounding his chest occasionally, thinking that it would make his lungs clear. He can’t breathe.
Daniel didn’t come back and Jihoon passed his first mock exams. One year after, he’s a step closer to his dreams. He was so sure of it, he’s going to be a lawyer and finally everything is falling back into places now.
Until Daniel showed up on their house one time, looking as handsome as ever, wearing a white button down shirt and black pants. Jihoon stopped functioning when he saw his ex-boyfriend in front of his doorsteps.
“What are you doing here?”
Jihoon felt his heart breaking again, he stopped himself from crying because that would be so pathetic. It’s been one year and he hasn’t even moved on or a step near that at least.
“I want to say sorry, Jihoonie.”
Fuck, fuck.
You don’t need to call me that anymore. Jihoon wants to say but chose not to. He sat at the staircase in front of his house and looked up at the man he loved, no, still loves.
“I’m sorry for hurting you, for making you feel like you’re not worthy and for being a trash and shitty boyfriend. I’m sorry.” He was staring right into his soul he feels like sobbing.
“Why did you left?” Daniel was shocked at Jihoon’s reply. He expected him to ask him questions, of course, but what left him wondering was why that question.
“You said you’re tired.” Daniel sighed and sat beside Jihoon.
Jihoon looked at him, really looked at him, and notice that Daniel has changed. His voice, manlier, huskier and deeper. His eyes are still the same though, it’s like you’ll understand everything he wants to say by just staring at him and his lips, still pinkish and soft. His body was bigger and shoulders, if it’s still possible, was wider. And Jihoon can’t help but point it out, he looks happier and contented.
“Yes, I said I’m tired. I didn’t say I want to break up. I want one hug that time. I just want my boyfriend to tell me that everything will be alright because I felt like nothing’s going right with all what we’d planned.”
Jihoon looked ahead and although his heart is still breaking and bleeding he feels somewhat free.
“I’m sorry.” Daniel quietly said after hesitating.
“No, I’m sorry for not believing and supporting you.” Jihoon bite his lips, feeling guilty all of a sudden.
Daniel shook his head. “You always believed in me. I’m sorry for letting you down. I felt like I didn’t even take care of you. You deserve so much more on what I’d given you. You sacrificed so many things for me. I don’t—”
Jihoon smiled and took Daniel’s hands to hold it, he didn’t want to admit but he missed the warmth and comfort it brings. “You didn’t let me down, okay? You’ve given me more than what I’d deserve and we have fair shares of sacrifices. Give yourself more credit. And I’m sorry for breaking my promise. Congrats for winning that songwriter of the year.”
Daniel returned his smile, his gorgeous eye catching smile. His hold tightened around Jihoon’s hands. “I broke mine, too. I guess we’re even now?”
“We are.”
Jihoon cuddled Daniel closer while listening to the older’s plans for them in the future.
“Then we could have dogs and cats… or maybe children?” Jihoon smiled at the thought of them having lovely kids running inside their house. “I love a noisy house, we could have party Saturdays and swimming Sundays! Hmm. Aren’t you excited about living together, Baby?”
“I am,” Jihoon answered while listening to the sound of Daniel’s heart beating rapidly in his chest.
“I promise you Jihoon, I’ll give you all of that. I’ll treat you like a royalty and we’ll live happily together starting from this day forward.” He felt Daniel kissed his temple and he never felt so safe.
Jihoon looked up at Daniel. “And I promise you I'll be with you in every step of your dreams, holding your hand and reminding you always that you’re great and you’ll hit it big.” He kissed the older man’s nose and they laughed together.
“Ahh, that feels nice. Maybe a kiss on the lips too?” Daniel teased but Jihoon complied.