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I
four years and six months before the coronation of jeno, first of his name, as high king
The people of Findara have always believed that the kind of day one was born on foretells what your person would be.
The Third Prince Chenle was born on the first day of spring. When all the snow of winter had melted, when the flowers bloomed, and when the sun gave each of the people’s heads a loving kiss after a long time apart.
King Jaehyun once said that the first thing Prince Chenle did once he got out of the Queen’s womb, was look up at the sky and smile. “The skies, in awe of you, my sweet,” King Jaehyun had said, “smiled back.”
The Second Prince, Donghyuck, was born on a day that could barely be called one. The storms were angry, wind pushing against the stained glass windows, even the toughest of trees bending at their knees.
Whenever the princes would ask stories from the King, ask him where their names come from, he’d always look Donghyuck in the eye and say, “I didn’t name you. You named yourself.” And Donghyuck would smile, always. King Jaehyun would say, “The storms gave all the thunders and lightnings they got a few minutes before you were born. Like they knew, my heart, that once you were out, they didn’t stand a chance.”
And when the heir to the throne, First Prince Jeno, was born, nobody in the palace had known.
King Jaehyun would always smile warmly as he retells the story. “We were terribly worried for our first born. We readied the finest chambers and maids. The best doctors with their most special herbs would come at the first call. But your mother wanted a breath of fresh air that day. Wanted away from our guards. So we walked, just the both of us, along the shore of your mother’s favorite ocean. And that’s when you decided to come, the only act of rebellion you were ever capable of. And when you came, my angel, the Queen didn’t even shed a single tear. Neither did you.”
And always, always, King Jaehyun would press his palm against Prince Jeno’s cheek, “The ease of my worries. The calm of my sea. How did we ever deserve you?”
Perhaps the people of Findara were right. Because, Prince Chenle, bright and beautiful, was alive and happy. The human embodiment of hope. And Prince Donghyuck, was a force to be reckoned with. More storm than prince.
And Prince Jeno, with all his intense eyes and sharp angles, was truly just softness and gentleness. The light kiss of the breeze against one’s cheek. The warm water through one’s fingers. The sand between one’s toes. The calm waves against the shore. The subtlety and the ease and the silent understanding. Prince Jeno was the ocean himself.
It was a story that all the three princes have memorized, as they have heard it hundreds of times from Findara’s beloved King himself.
And on one of those days, when the King would take a break from his duties and sit in front of the fire place, exactly the late Queen’s favorite spot, like they weren’t the King and Princes, but just Father and sons, he would finish telling the same story, and he would look at his boys with that encouraging gaze of his. As if telling them ‘I know you have questions, spit it out’
And Prince Donghyuck, of course, accepts, starting, “Just wanted to ask, Father,” with a beautiful smile sent directly at Prince Jeno’s way, which immediately tells the older prince that whatever Donghyuck is about to say is not going to be any way good for him.
“You always tell us about how we were born. And sometimes even how you and Mother were born. And they’re all lovely, Father, don’t get me wrong. But I just wanted to know if you knew of other people’s stories. A lot of people were born here. Advisor Huang, for example. Lieutenant Lee…… And say, I don’t know……”
Prince Jeno turns to the youngest prince who lays by their father’s feet, humming, mischief in his face. And the youngest prince, adept to his brother’s shenanigans immediately understands, suggesting with a playful tone, “General Na?”
Prince Chenle laughs heartily after his own question. Even the King suppressed a small smile of his own, while the oldest prince remains silent, heart thrumming against his chest.
“General Na is a lot like his father.” This time the King smiles, happy, yes, but with a little bit of longing.
“Brave and kindhearted. When General Na, Jaemin, was born, I was yet to be a King. There were a lot of witnesses to his birth, but not a lot of predictions. It was just a normal day. Not too cold, not too warm. Nothing out of the usual. A lot of people were disappointed, because he was born to a noble family, with a great father and he was their first boy. I heard one even say that the boy would live a mild and insignificant life. But I begged to differ.”
He looked at his children one by one before he continues, “You see, his father, Late Advisor Yuta, was my dearest friend. Fearless. The bravest there ever was. It was impossible for him to be afraid. When danger came, he didn’t flee. He approached danger, smiled at it and shook its hand. But that day,” He laughs, as if reminiscing that moment more than two decades ago.
“Oh, that day, he was as pale as snow. His hand shook like they have never shook. And he looked at me in the eyes, helpless and absolutely terrified. Terrified would be such a soft word for how he looked. And that I think foretells Jaemin’s future.”
Prince Donghyuck, in total un-princelike manner, snorts. “General Na would make people pale and sweat and shake in fear?”
“No, my heart.” King Jaehyun smiles at Prince Donghyuck, then at Prince Jeno, warm and knowing, a hand laying gently on top of the youngest prince’s head.
“That day, I thought. General Na was meant to be loved by someone so much, that someone would be able to do even the impossible for him.”
II
five years before the coronation of jeno, first of his name, as high king
General Na and Prince Jeno knew each other, of course. It was their duty as General of the Army and First Prince, heir to the throne. Jeno has heard of countless stories about the Boy General and his won confrontations and astounding skills in battle strategy.
Jaemin was his father’s favorite. It was laughable how long a time it took for them to speak to each other directly.
It was on Jeno’s coronation day as prince, on the eighteenth year of his life. Just a few years after General Na earned his position as General, making him the youngest to do so, being just at the fruit of twenty-four.
A few hours into his coronation ball, the prince had gotten tired of smiling and welcoming his guests, and excused himself to get a breath of fresh air in the balcony.
He was uncharacteristically unaware of his surroundings, when he was startled by the sound of the balcony door.
The prince was immediately cautious at first, afraid that it was one of their kingdom’s enemies, here to sabotage the heir at his own coronation, but his fear was put at rest in an instant when he sees a familiar figure.
General Na had approached the prince, a warm smile on his face. Clad in his uniform, he presses a palm against his chest and bends at his waist. “Prince Jeno.”
Bowing his head, he returns, “General Na.”
“What’s the First Prince doing out here all alone at his own ball?”
Jeno is surprised at the tone of his voice, he just never heard the General so comfortable, playful even, but forces his expression to stay nonchalant.
“I… Just wanted to breathe some fresh air, General.”
“Oh. Did you want me to leave, my prince? Perhaps I can guard by the door to ensure your safety.”
“There’s no need for such, General Na. I- I’m- I’m not entirely sure, actually. I’ve never been this at a loss. Maybe it’s just the nerves of the coronation getting to me. Perhaps, perhaps I,”
“Perhaps, my prince, I can escort you to your quarters? I’m sure the people would understand that you’re tired.”
Prince Jeno tilts his head, not suspicious, but curious. “I don’t think that’s part of your duty.”
“No, it is not, my prince.” General Na keeps the warm smile on his face and the prince isn’t sure why but it puts him at ease.
“I’d be grateful, but I have to bid the people good night.”
“Of course, my prince.” And to Jeno’s utmost surprise, the General of the Army closes the distance between them.
Prince Jeno holds in a gasp, because he’s always known the general was the dream of many women and men alike, but this close…
The General kneels before him on one foot, and before Prince Jeno can react, reaches for the Prince’s boots, tying the loose laces tightly.
He looks up from where he was kneeling and smiles up at Jeno. And oh.
Oh.
So that’s what they mean in the stories, Prince Jeno thinks.
“It’d be a shame for you to fall on your own coronation day, my prince.”
Yes. A shame.
“Uh, thank you, General Na.” He laughs quietly, shyly even. “Most princes would look the most beautiful on their coronation day. And I… I’d have fallen on my face and made a fool of myself.”
General Na stands up. Close. Prince Jeno was of age, but he felt like a boy still. But General Na, even just a few years older than him, was a man. In every sense of the word.
“I was afraid of you hurting yourself, my prince. But I don’t believe it would have made you look any less beautiful.”
Prince Jeno feels an unfamiliar twist in his stomach, so he remains quiet.
“I suppose I should leave you to it.” He presses a palm against his chest and bends at his waist. “Congratulations again, and long live, my prince.”
“General Na.” Bowing his head, he continues, “Thank you, for tonight. For... helping me. And for your service.”
“I know we have not spoken much, since the army has been busy in the South, as with the conflicts with Theron. But the battles are finished for now. And from now on, my prince, I’m at your call.”
Prince Jeno smiles, “I’ll keep that in mind, General Na. Good night.”
The general bows one more time, “Good night, my prince.”
III
three years and four months before the coronation of jeno, first of his name, as high king
“First Prince Jeno. Third Prince Chenle.”
Jeno takes a good look at the older man’s face, his head bowed and eyes respectfully turned downwards. One of his palms was pressed against his chest and the other offered to the heir.
“General Na.” The princes bow their heads in acknowledgement, as Jeno completely ignores the teasing nudge Prince Chenle sent his way.
“May I have this dance with the first prince?”
The heir was just about to open his mouth to reply when the youngest prince beats him to it, “Oh he would love to, General Na!”, pushing his older brother forward.
The general suppresses a smile as Prince Chenle takes his leave. “My prince?”
With his fingers shaking just the slightest bit, Prince Jeno places his hand on top of the general’s. “I’d be honored.”
The first few notes of the new song plays, soft and slow and perfect. They can feel the entire room watching their every move, but they only have eyes for each other.
General Na pulls him towards the middle of it all. The general, clad in uniform, as always, was all broad shoulders and beautiful eyes and charming smiles.
Prince Jeno is equal parts confused and wary. The moment General Na enters the room, his usual inner peace leaves. As it had tonight. But he says yes to General Na’s dance anyway, because as he’s learned, he’s no good at all at saying no to the older man.
When they reach the center, General Na takes both of his hands, places both of them on his broad shoulders. Looking him in the eye, the older man slowly wraps his arms around the prince’s waist. “Are you comfortable, my prince? We can stop anytime you want.”
And with that, they sway to the gentle melody.
“It’s… it’s okay, my General. I- I mean. Just general, I mean.” The prince stops himself, abashed. “I think I’ve had too much to drink, names are starting to mix up, forgive me.”
To his surprise, the General just chuckles lowly, a hand soothingly rubbing the prince’s back, “It’s fine, my prince. You have no idea how much hearing you say my general has…” This time it was the general who stops himself, “You have no idea what you do to me, my prince.”
Heat rises up to the heir’s cheeks and he hears a low laugh from the general when he casts his eyes downwards.
After a while of slowly swaying to the music, the prince asks what he’s wanted to ask for months now. “Why do you do this?”
“Do what, my prince?”
“Everything, General Na. Sending me letters and flowers. Walking with me in the gardens. Escorting me everywhere even if you don’t have to. Asking me for a dance… Protecting me. Why do you do these?”
“It’s my duty, my prince. To lay my life down for you.”
The prince looks up this time, and is surprised to see that the general is being completely serious. “Is that General Na talking.... or is it Jaemin?”
“Either, my prince. They’d both put out a forest fire with their bare hands if they had to. To keep you safe.”
The waters were Jeno’s safe place.
But tonight, he burns.
Swallowing, the prince asks, “And everything else?”
The older man sighs and takes one of the prince’s hands from his shoulder. He intertwines it with his and presses it against his chest, still dancing to the song playing in the background. His hold was loose, as if saying, “You can let go anytime you want. But please don’t.”
The General looks him, straight in the eye and Jeno wonders if this is how he looks in the workroom. He wonders if this feels like a battle to the General, as it feels to him. Then he answers, “I thought I made it clear, my prince. I apologize for ever confusing you. But if I may, I’d like to be as direct as possible for you to understand what everything meant.”
He continues, “I’m in love with you, my prince, I would like to be able to protect you and love you. And although I would be the happiest and most undeserving man if you returned my feelings, you don’t have to...” The General breathes out, heavily, “I am yours, my prince. Whether you choose to love me or not.”
The prince pulls his hand from the elder’s hold, surprising the general. And much to everyone’s surprise, including the general himself, the prince wraps his arms around the older man’s neck, and shyly rests the side of his head on the general’s shoulder. “How long?” The prince’s voice shakes, letting the vulnerability spill from his mouth.
It took a moment for the general to take in the younger boy’s action, but when he does, he asks, “How long?” The general wraps his arms around the prince’s waist, pulling him closer, with a small but confused smile on his face, rubbing gentle circles on the prince’s back.
“How long are you willing to protect me? How long are you willing to stay? Do you even plan to? How long are you willing to wait for me? How long are you willing to be—” mine, Jeno wants to ask. But the word doesn’t escape his lips.
The general hears him anyway.
“For as long as you’ll have me.”
IV
two years and nine months before the coronation of jeno, first of his name, as high king
Truly, it was not of Prince Jeno’s nature to eavesdrop, but he couldn’t help it when he hears his name being mentioned in a conversation of two very familiar voices.
“First Prince Jeno is still young, General.”
“I never said he wasn’t, Advisor.”
Jeno immediately hides himself from their sight, trying to keep as quiet as a mouse.
“Why? Why him?” Why him? Jeno hears, but it sounded a lot like Why not me?
“I appreciate you. You know I do. You’re one of my dearest friends. But Prince Jeno, he’s… I don’t even know where to begin.”
“He’s been making you wait for so long. Do you really believe he loves you? He’s an heir to the throne! The first prince! You keep on following him.”
“And he keeps on letting me.”
“The ocean won’t leave you but you can’t expect it to love you back.” It wasn’t directed at him, but Prince Jeno felt it like a knife being jabbed straight to his heart.
The General sighs, and the prince can almost picture his furrowed eyebrows and defeated eyes. “I never expected for him to love me. Never even hoped for it.”
“He’s just a boy. He’s confused about his feelings. How long are you willing to wait for his answer? You don’t even know what answer you’re waiting for!”
A tear escapes the prince’s eye when hear the sad smile in the General’s voice, “The oceans can dry up, Advisor, and I still wouldn’t be tired of waiting.”
-
Dear General Na,
I know that it’s terrible that I choose to write this in a letter instead of face you. But I don’t think I can. Please forgive me for such a cowardly act.
I don’t know where to start. Perhaps, with a thank you. I am truly grateful for everything that you’ve done for me and for all that you’ve done for the kingdom I will one day rule. Thank you, General Na, for this. And for the flowers and the letters and the dances and the walks. For your heart. You have given me amazing days. I am endlessly grateful.
But please forgive me if I am letting you go. I am young and I am still learning and growing and I am still unsure of my own feelings and I will hurt you, General Na, somewhere along the way. I already have. I refuse to hurt you further more with my confusion.
Let this letter be from Jeno, not the prince or the heir to the throne, but the boy. A letter to you. The General Na and the Jaemin who is beautiful in every sense of the word.
It’s not that I don’t love you, Jaemin. It’s that I do. It’s all-encompassing and I don’t know what to do with this love. I am afraid of hurting you and hurting myself.
And I love all the letters and the flowers and I love talking to you and walking in the gardens. But these are things I cannot keep now. Maybe ever.
I cannot keep you now, General. Maybe someday I will, but I will not give you any false hope. I don’t want to give you a promise I can’t keep. Forgive me, General, please my love, please forgive me.
Yours,
Jeno
V
two years before the coronation of jeno, first of his name, as high king
“You’re leaving.”
“Yes, my prince.” General Na was surprised, but he immediately covered it and respectfully placed his hand on his chest and bent at his waist. When he rises, his face is covered with nothing but politeness. “There’s a rising conflict with Rosaelia in the West and I have to be there. To make things better before it gets worse. Or to face the worse.”
The first prince looks visibly shaken, “You’re leaving.”
The older man looks at him with a smile, still happy, yes, but with a little bit of longing. “We had that covered already, my prince.”
“Will you- all of you- be safe?”
“That’s the plan, my prince.” The General’s smile widens, but it doesn’t look like it used to.
“When are you leaving?”
“By the first day of next month if everything goes according to plan, your grace. But my hands will already be full with this conflict starting tomorrow.”
“I… I… I wish you well, General Na.”
“We’re grateful, your grace. It’s our duty to ensure the safety of the kingdom.”
They look into each other’s eyes. For second or minutes or hours or days. They both weren’t sure.
“Be safe.” Come back. Please.
“As you wish, my prince.”
VI
one year and eleven months before the coronation of jeno, first of his name, as high king
To my dearest,
Forgive me my love, for I had to write this in a letter. I have no intentions of being a coward, and I will recite this letter in front of you for as many times as you wish me to. Because I can, my love. I know this letter by heart, but I digress.
I wrote this letter for you because I feared that I wouldn’t be able to leave you once I say this to your face. I feared that I’d take one look in your eyes and decide that I had no intentions of ever letting you go. Not for a day. Not for a second.
By the time you read this, I’ll be gone. And although I’m still inside the castle while I write you this letter, let me tell you that I, for the realest fact, miss you. Know that I miss you more than I can ever imagine. Which is a little bit pitiful, because I have prepared myself to long for you a great deal.
But I am needed in this battle. For the safety of the people. For your kingdom. And because, I have the highest respect for your father and it is my duty to him as the General of his army.
I remember you once asking me if I loved my duty, as we walked in the gardens. You asked if I held the kingdom above all else. And I never got to answer you then. But the answer is yes, my love.
But hear this; or wait for me, till I can say it to you face to face. Because I will. For as many times as you want, my love.
You are my everything. You are my oceans. You are my castles. You are my people. You are the gardens and the treasures and the buildings. You are every single battle I have fought and lost and won. You are my wars and my celebrations and my defeats. You are my kingdom. My king. My love.
And that is why the answer is yes, my love. I love my duty. And I hold my kingdom above all else.
I know how you loathe manipulations and mind games and gamblings of the heart. But I assure you that this is none of those, and I will tell you in the simplest and clearest way I can. Every single part of my being is irrevocably in love with you, my prince.
Wait for me,
General Na
VII
six months before the coronation of jeno, first of his name, as high king
To everyone’s utmost surprise, besides, perhaps the King and the other princes, the moment the General has walked into the room, hair a little bit longer, face just a little perkier, skin just a little bit more sunkissed, the First Prince, who was known for being peaceful and calm had bolted straight upwards from where he sat next to the King’s throne.
The First Prince had sprinted in a total un-heir like fashion and had ran straight to the General's arms, sobbing inconsolably so. "Jaemin."
“My prince.” The general whispers, like a prayer.
The older man had wrapped his arms around him, not minding the robes and legs that persistently wrapped around his waist.
The Prince presses his cheek against the older's neck, tears flowing, words muffled by the other's warm skin. Damn the public, damn the entire court, let them watch. "My General.”
“My love.”
And like a spell that has been lifted, the First Prince Jeno pulls away from the General and tries to gain back his balance on the ground. His eyebrows are furrowed and his teeth are bared. Anger. Not something he has been associated with ever. But it was painted all over his face.
The waves are crashing harshly. The ocean is livid.
The first prince points an accusing finger right at the center of the older man’s chest, poking it with every single word, “How dare you! Leaving me without properly saying good bye with a letter, a letter with something like that in it! How dare you!”
And General Na, Gods bless his soul, laughs. Bright and alive and beautiful as it had always been. “Forgive me, my prince.”
The General spares a glance at the King, and when the ruler nods, he continues. “Forgive me, my love.”
The General pulls him by the waist, closer, and runs his hand through the prince’s beautiful raven hair, as if saying I am home now.
The first prince looks at him, at his beautiful almost golden skin, and oh those beautiful eyes, that sweet sweet smile. And those lips. Even the oceans could not put out the fire in his heart.
The General presses a gentle kiss on the top of the heir’s head. Then on his temple. Then on each of his eyebrow. Then on the tip of his nose. Then on each apple of his cheeks.
“Will you stay?” The prince asks. Small and quiet.
General Na closes his eyes. Leans down to press his forehead against the prince’s. “I’d love you for the rest of this life. And perhaps even the life after this. But I’ll only stay if you want me to.”
“I- I want you. Forgive me, General, for being unsure all these years. But I am sure now. And I’ll be sure for the rest of my life. Stay for me, please.”
With that, General Na breaks out into the most striking smile Jeno has ever seen. Mild and insignificant, they said. They could not be more wrong.
“Your grace, may I… May I kiss you? Please.”
The heir to the throne doesn’t answer. But he shifts closer to the General and stands on the tips of his toes just a little bit, hands wrapping around the elder’s neck.
“From now on, my General…” The first prince kisses him once, just light and fast and soft and gentle. “You never have to ask.”
And so Jaemin doesn’t. He wraps his arms around the youngers waist, and pulls him up for the deepest longest and sweetest kiss, that made even Prince Donghyuck blush.
In the end, King Jaehyun had been right. On the day Jaemin was born, he was loved so much, even the most fearless person had been terrified.
And today, Jaemin was loved so much, even the ocean burned