Chapter Text
Working, working.
Yet no joy in life,
Still staring emptily
At empty hands.
Ishikawa Takuboku
Part One: Before
"Sakumo, can you bring him here?" The fear leaks out into her voice despite her best efforts to hold it back. It's shameful. She didn't become one of the best jounins in the village to be scared by something so simple.
Something as simple as not seeing her son's face.
Sakumo appears in her line of vision in seconds. The light concern on his face would be panic in someone else. He gently lifts her up into a sitting position, she tries to pull herself up to help but she's too tired. She feels weak, vulnerable. She hates it. Hates being this dependent on someone else, even someone she trusts as much as Sakumo.
He props her up with the pillows before returning with their son. As soon as she sets eyes on him, she starts to cry again. Damn it, the hormones are messing with her, she knows it, but the love, the fear are so strong she can't hold them back. Sakumo joins her on the bed, sitting next to her as he carefully hands her their son. Her hands are shaking as she takes him, but his hands are steady. Calm, ready, for this most difficult of missions. Parenthood.
It is the first time she's held him. He is warm and tiny as she cradles the back of his head. He looks perfect. Ume rests her nose on the top of his head and breathes him in deeply. After months of struggle, after such an awful pregnancy and delivery, he's arrived.
"It's nice to finally meet you, Kakashi. Your father kept you all to himself for too long. It's not fair, but I'm sure you'll love me the most to make up for it." She can't resist the chance to tease Sakumo, even when she's this overwhelmed. It lightens her mood a little.
"It's not fair to turn him against me already." Sakumo wipes the tears off her face for her, she sees the flash of Ume on his palm, just below his thumb, and she smiles at him. Sakumo pauses, then meets hers with a smile that's tired and relieved before addressing their son. "But she's right. You're bound to love her the most. She's a force of nature, it'd be impossible to not. She's already done so much for you and she'll do even more. You're lucky to have such a mother, Kakashi. Just watch out for her hardheadedness."
"You're getting sentimental." The tears are thick in her voice as she says it, teasing him, trying to hide how sentimental she feels too. Sakumo gives a small, tired laugh in response.
"I think I'm allowed that today." She lifts Kakashi up to see his face. He tries to open his eyes as he's moved but shuts them again immediately. Too bright. From the brief glimpse, he's got the same dark eyes as his father. He is so clearly Sakumo's son, right to the very light, pale whorl of hair, but his beauty mark is in just the same spot as hers is. Her mark on him. Her baby.
"He's perfect." She feels awed that somehow, despite the horror of her pregnancy, of her nearly dying of blood loss during the birth, Kakashi is unscathed. A hand touches her hair, smooths it down as Sakumo kisses her forehead.
"You did so well. I'm proud of you." Sakumo does this, will gush in private in a way she never has, for all his reserved behaviour in public. It wasn't something she expected when she first saw him. She remembers that day, looking at their son. The first day of her jounin exams. She was the youngest in the group of candidates and determined to succeed. Their examiner, only a few years older than her, tall, unexpectedly handsome, silver hair tied up and a serious expression on his face, introduced himself.
"I am Hatake Sakumo. I will be your lead examiner today. I'd like to warn you now I'm not like the other examiners. I will fail any of you who can't come up with a better plan than sacrificing others to spare yourself. I don't care if it's to save the mission, there is always a better way." The murmurs of dissent were squashed with a single look. She glanced down at the name on her palm. Sakumo. She never thought about it much, too busy training, had never encountered a Sakumo before. When she looked back up, caught his eye as he scanned the group and he smiled in return, those dark eyes focused only on her. Her heart leapt into her mouth. She was certain.
Passing the exam was too important to let her consider it any further, but she knew. He must be her soulmate. Until then, she thought of soulmates like she thought of the rescue of teammates when it could cause the mission to fail: not required. Ume did not dream of her soulmate from the day she learnt what it meant. Right until she saw him, destiny seemed to be for other people. She was too busy, relentlessly making her own fate to bother with it. The memory prompts her. In all the noise and chaos of Kakashi's birth, she hadn't asked.
"What's the name?"
"I didn't check, I left it for you." She shifts Kakashi again, rests his head against her collarbone as she gently uncurls his right hand from a fist. She looks for those faint silver lines. Nothing. Ah, he must be left handed just like her father was. Ume wishes he was here to meet Kakashi too, wishes both of her parents were with a tinge of regret. At least they'll live on in their grandson, she thinks with warmth as she uncurls the other hand.
There's no name on that hand either. She frowns, checks both hands again. Nothing. Blank. A horrifying, sinking feeling of guilt, of panic, settles in her stomach.
"I can't believe it."
"Ume?" The baby senses the change of mood in the room and starts to cry. She lifts him up, tries to jiggle him but she starts to cry again too, silently. Ume is overwhelmed by her fatigue and how afraid she is for him. She doesn't believe in omens, but after what happened, nine months of her body fighting Kakashi the whole time, this feels like a sign. Kakashi didn't come out from that struggle unscathed after all. The name can be a joy, or a curse, or just nothing at all. Ume was lucky. She knows she was lucky to find Sakumo at all, to have him practically fall into her lap, at just the right time before he fell in love with someone else. Most people aren't, ninjas in particular. But there's always a name. To not have one is unnatural, disturbing.
Sakumo lets out a dismayed noise, gently lifts Kakashi out of her arms before trying to soothe him. She hears his sharp inhale when he sees what she saw, that their son's hands are blank. She tries to stop her tears, scrubs them off her face, telling herself off for over-reacting, but she's emotional and afraid. Already she has come so close to losing him, and she wants to protect him. This is something that she can't protect him from. Sakumo finally manages to quiet Kakashi down and puts him back into her arms. Kakashi drifts off to sleep.
"Sometimes the name appears after they're born. I'm sure it'll appear on his hand soon." He sounds so calm and confident. Ume knows him too well to miss the uncertainty that he's trying to hide. She shuts her eyes, exhausted, and holds onto Kakashi tightly. She doesn't want to consider what it means for her newborn son if no name ever appears. It's only a rumour that some people don't have a name on their hand, so it will appear.
Kakashi's hand remains free of writing. The name of his soulmate doesn't appear.