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renjunʼs family wasnʼt the richest family on china, they were good economically but a car was too much to afford. thatʼs why a 16-year-old renjun had to walk from his ballet class to his grandmotherʼs house every night completely alone.
walking every night was terrifying to him, the sky looked really dark and even if sometimes the moon would make him company until he reached his destiny, there were days where she would hide away from him, leaving him alone and scared.
[Fri, October 26]
on a specific night, were he was the most scared he could ever be –the moon was completely out of sight and he couldnʼt see light from any other house on his way home–, he saw a kid his age sitting on a bench, looking straight up to the sky.
“hello?” asked renjun carefully, trying to not scare the other kid. said boy turned to him, and smiled.
“the big dipper.” he said pointing to the sky.
renjun was confused and he looked up to the sky, observing the stars that were above him.
“wow, those are really beautiful stars.”
“the big dipper.” repeated the other kid, with a shy smile.
“i– i donʼt understand.” said renjun, still confused.
“it is a constellation, the big dipper.” said the kid.
renjun let a oh out, and laughed nervously.
“iʼm renjun, and iʼm going to my grandmaʼs house. would you like to make me company?” the other boy smiled and nodded, getting up from the bench.
renjun smiled and felt relief going through his entire body, he wouldnʼt walk alone on this night.
they were just walking next to each other in completely silence, enjoying each otherʼs company. renjun wanted to ask him many things, his name to begin with, but he didnʼt want to intrude. the other boy would tell him eventually.
“this is it.” said renjun stopping in front of his grandmotherʼs house. the other kid nodded and started to walk again, leaving.
“thank you!” said renjun expecting an answer that never arrived.
renjun couldnʼt stop thinking the entire dinner of the kid and the way he acted, wondering why did he act that way and if he could ever see him again.
[Sat, October 27]
it was the end of his ballet class again and renjun was exhausted, he just wanted to arrive to his grandmotherʼs house.
todayʼs night was lighter than the past one, the moon was shining a precious way and he could hear dogs barking and noises coming from the houses he was passing by. and then he saw the kid again, he was sitting on the bench but this time looking to the road ahead of him.
“hi!” said renjun excited to see him once again. the kid turned to renjun and smiled.
“hello renjun.” he said and stood up from the bench, starting to walk on renjunʼs destiny direction. renjun ran to him, trying to keep up with him.
this time, renjun wasnʼt going to go to sleep without knowing the other boyʼs name. renjun thought of many ways to make the other boy say his name but every single one seemed rude on his head, he didnʼt know how he would do it.
“is there something you want to ask?” asked the other boy while looking ahead of him. renjun laughed nervously, was he being too obvious?
“whatʼs your name?” asked renjun. the kid stopped on his tracks and turned to him.
“is there something else you want to ask?”
renjun got even more nervous at this reply, maybe the kid didnʼt know his name and here he was sounding extremely rude asking that.
“how old are you?” he asked. the kid turned around and started walking again.
“i am 16 years old.”
“oh, iʼm 16 too!” said renjun with a smile, he saw how the other kid smiled and nodded.
they kept walking for a few more minutes, until they arrived to renjunʼs house. the kid stopped and looked at renjun, almost waiting for him to say something.
“thanks for making me company again.” said renjun fidgeting with his sweater paws, the kid smiled and turned around ready to leave. renjun sighed and took his keys out.
“i am jaemin, and see you tomorrow renjun.”
renjun was excited when he entered home, he had a new friend who would make him company every night and he knew his name! everything was perfect.
the days kept passing by, and renjunʼs happiest moment of the day was when he would walk home with jaemin.
jaemin was still a mystery to renjun, he didnʼt talk much about his family, school or friends; most of their conversations were renjun telling him stories of his friends and himself, things he liked to do, his beliefs and jaemin just replying back to all of these things.
“what do you want to be when you grow up?” asked renjun one night. jaemin smiled softly.
“i always wanted to be an astronomist or maybe a musician.”
“and now?”
“well, i donʼt know. i think it remains the same. and what about you, jun?”
it was the first time jaemin had called him this way, renjun had felt like they were finally being comfortable around each other. and he had loved it.
“a lawyer, like my dad! he always looks cool and busy.”
[Fri, November 16]
but this night seem special, jaemin looked more happy and relaxed, he looked alive. and renjun was surprised to see this sudden change on the other boy.
“my mom bought me an iron man figure the other day and i didnʼt even ask her!” says renjun while moving his hands on the air, expressing his excitement.
“your mother seems pretty cool, iʼd love to meet her.” says jaemin with a ear to ear smile. renjun smiles back.
“you can meet her tonight! letʼs go inside now, iʼm sure sheʼll love you.” at this, jaeminʼs face dropped a little bit.
“no, itʼs fine. today iʼm in a hurry, iʼve got somewhere else to go. but we can meet her tomorrow! bye jun!” said jaemin in a hurried tone while leaving fast. this let renjun confused, but at least he had accepted to meet her the next day.
renjun entered the house happy, ready to tell his mom about jaemin.
“who were you talking to, my dear?” asked his grandmother once he entered the house.
“with my friend jaemin! i think he might come here tomorrow to meet you all.” he said excitedly to his grandmother, but this one just frowned.
“be careful with the people youʼre befriending renjun, i donʼt want to lose you.” he sighed and went upstairs to his room.
jaeminʼs nice. he is nice. he is, right?
[Sat, November 17]
once renjunʼs class ended, he left the building as fast as he could, he couldnʼt wait to ask jaemin if he really was going to meet his family today or not. he really hoped jaemin would say yes.
he was expecting to see jaemin sitting on his spot on the bench silently waiting for him, but he didnʼt expect to find jaemin sitting next to another boy.
renjun watched how close to each other both boys were sitting, and he didnʼt like it.
“renjun, hello!” said jaemin enthusiastically from his spot on the bench. “this is jeno, heʼs shy and nervous to meet you but i know youʼre going to love each other.”
renjun frowned, was this other boy the reason jaeminʼs been so happy and excited lately?
“itʼs nice to meet you, jeno. is he going to make us company to my grandmaʼs house?” asked renjun to jaemin, almost ignoring jenoʼs presence.
“yeah! we should get going or youʼll arrive too late.” said jaemin while standing up. renjun nodded and followed jaemin.
renjunʼs steps were shorter and slower than jaemin and jenoʼs, so he was watching the other two boys interact from behind. they looked pretty close and they were talking about some story both of them were part of. it seem they were having so much fun without renjun and it was kinda annoying him.
“jeno, how did you meet jaemin?” asked renjun, interrupting their talk while still walking behind them. jeno turned to look at him and smiled, taking renjunʼs breath away –jenoʼs eye smile was the best one he has seen so far.
“we met when we were four years old at the park and yeah, jaemin was really funny and i liked him a lot. so thatʼs why iʼve bared with him all of these years.” he said, then turned to look at jaemin and showed his tongue out to the other one, in a funny way. jaemin did the same and they laughed.
renjun sighed, maybe one day jaemin could be comfortable with him in the same way he is with jeno.
when they arrived to the front yard of his grandmotherʼs house, renjun wanted to invite jaemin inside again. but he just couldnʼt let jeno outside, and yet he didnʼt want to invite him inside, so he just decided to ask jaemin other day when they were alone.
but other day never came, everytime renjunʼs class was over and he walked to the bench, he saw jaemin and jeno there waiting for him.
renjun wasnʼt jealous of jaemin and jenoʼs friendship, he wasnʼt. jaemin was just more talkative and energetic around jeno and renjun wished jaemin could be like that with him too.
“so renjun, are you ever going to show us the things you learn in your ballet class?” asked one day jeno, flustering renjun.
“i donʼt think iʼm ready to show you guys.”
“bullshit, i bet youʼre incredible. you know what? show us now.” demanded jaemin, stopping completely his tracks and staring at renjun straight to his eyes.
for the past couple of weeks that jaemin and jeno have been making him company, renjun was never –not even once– intimidated by jaemin. but this time, the way jaemin was looking at him with such a serious face, he was intimidated and scared of said boy.
“i– where? here?”
“yeah, i donʼt see any car passing by.” said jeno.
renjun sighed and did a little spin, ending with a really dramatic pose. jaemin laughed at that and kept walking, while jeno applauded to him with a grin.
renjun was glad they didnʼt pressure him to do something else, he was tired and still insecure about his ballet skills; and the pressure of dancing in front of jaemin and jeno was even bigger, because he didnʼt want them to get disappointed at him.
“junnie, watch out!” said jaemin, getting renjun out of his trance right on time when a car was passing by next to him.
renjun didnʼt even realize how close the car passed by, because his eyes could only see the way jeno and jaemin’s hands were interlaced with each other.
his mind kept replaying the image of their hands interlaced the entire night, the way they laughed and interact without him and how bad it had felt. but then it made sense.
they were dating and renjun had a crush on both of them. great.
[Fri, December 7]
when renjun woke up the next day and went to school, he saw his friend donghyuck. he hadnʼt talked to him –or basically anybody out of his family, jaemin and jeno– in about three weeks, said boy had texted him a couple of times but he had just ignored it.
it wasnʼt because he was trying to avoid him –they werenʼt fighting or anything like that–, he just didnʼt need someone else to comment about his new friends or his nonexistent love life.
“your teacher got sick, so thatʼs why you got out earlier today?” asked jeno.
renjunʼs teacher had called in sick when renjun was already on his studio, so he decided to just go and spent some more time with jaemin and jeno.
“yup, but this is nice. we can just sit here and see how the sun sets.” said renjun sitting in the space between jeno and jaemin. jaemin smiled and agreed.
“jeno, whatʼs your biggest secret?” asked renjun out of the nowhere, jeno smiled.
“i fractured my arm when i was 8 years, my parents thought i fell at the park but i actually fell in my house trying to get a jar of cookies.” jaemin laughed at that.
“i remember. you felt guilty for like two weeks.”
renjun laughed and nodded, seeing how the sun was already setting. he wanted to hold their hands, he didnʼt know where the urgent need to do it was coming from, but he wanted it.
“renjun! the teacherʼs calling you.” said someone next to him taking him out of his trace of memories.
“oh, yeah iʼm here!” he replied fast. he saw how the teacher rolled her eyes and called the next student.
renjun saw how donghyuck looked at him and he knew the latter would try and talk to him later, but he could avoid it; just like the same way he was avoiding his feelings for the other boys.
but even if he tried his hardest to pay attention to the class that was going on in front of him, his mind would go back to jaemin and jeno. to the way their hands were interlaced, the way their bodies would fit perfectly with the other one and the way their laughs would make the most beautiful harmonies together. and oh my god, he was screwed.
“the big dipper.” said jaemin pointing at the sky, reminding renjun of the first time they had met.
“thereʼs a story about the big dipper, did jaemin tell you about it jun?” asked jeno, sitting on the bench.
renjun wanted to spend more time with them, so they were just talking about everything that came across their minds while sitting on their bench.
“no, he didnʼt. tell me about it!” at this reply, jeno smiled and nodded.
“long time ago there was a beautiful maiden named callisto, she was deadly gorgeous and very very humble. but she loved artemis –the goddess of the hunt– and decided to be with her forever, accepting to never get married.
one day, after a tiring day of hunting, callisto was resting on a shady grove far away from artemis. zeus, being the god of the gods, he saw her and got fascinated at her beauty. so he decided to do what any other rational god would do: transform himself into artemis so he could basically get into callistoʼs pants.”
“is that how the story is usually told?” asked renjun while laughing. jeno laughed too.
“hush, okay so he got into callistoʼs pants, getting her pregnant. this made artemis and zeusʼs wife furious –did i mention zeusʼs wife already? well, her name is hera–, later on, callisto gave birth to arcturus. hera got really mad and cursed her, turning her into a bear. then callisto found her son and tried to approach him but he tried to kill her –because he didnʼt know his mother was a bear in his defense.
zeus saw this and sent both of them to the sky, making callisto the great bear –or well, the big dipper– and arcturus the herdsman, always protecting his mother. the end.”
“wow, so basically hera is a bitch.” said renjun. jaemin laughed out loud.
“yeah and jeno is a nerd.”
they spent more time just sitting there, sharing stories and enjoying the warm presence of each other.
but as people tend to say; everything was too good to be true.
on a saturday, renjun found himself sitting completely alone on their bench, waiting for jaemin and jeno to appear but they never did.
on a sunday, renjun waited for 5 hours on the bench, saw the sunset and counted a thousand and one times the same seven stars that were above him. but he never felt the warm of two bodies next to him.
the same thing happened on monday, tuesday and wednesday. thoughts circling around his mind, wondering what did he do wrong, and never getting an answer.
[Thu, December 13]
renjun had spent five days without sleeping and his eye bags were starting to show themselves, but renjun couldnʼt care less. he just hoped today was the day he could see them again.
“donghyuck?” said renjun while touching donghyuckʼs shoulder slightly. the latter seemed surprised to see renjun.
“renjun! youʼre finally talking to me!” said donghyuck as enthusiastic as ever, pulling renjun into a hug.
renjun being sleepless and –even if heʼd never admit it out loud– donghyuckless, just snuggled closer to his friend, burying his face on the other’s neck. soft sobs started to come out of renjunʼs mouth without him even processing it, this scared donghyuck to the point of staying completely frozen in place.
when donghyuck finally reacted, he pulled renjun into the bathroom and closed the door, staying there with a crying renjun on his neck, just caressing his back and saying sweet nothings on his ear.
“would you do me a favor, hyuck?” asked renjun between sobs.
“sure, just ask for it.”
“would you investigate stuff about some people i need? like i donʼt know, their addresses.” said renjun finally pulling away from donghyuckʼs embrace. this one just frowned, obviously not understanding.
“like, asking my dad about it? or are you telling me to just go and check on my dadʼs office?”
“i donʼt know! whichever itʼs faster!”
“okay, calm down. i know iʼm the son of a detective but that doesnʼt mean i can just ask my dad stuff about random people you want, renjun.”
“just this time, hyuck. iʼll never bother you again, just this time.” said renjun with the most desperate tone donghyuck had ever heard from him.
“names?” asked donghyuck, giving up.
“well, i donʼt actually know their last names but jaemin and jeno?” donghyuck passed his hand through his face, clearly exasperated.
“youʼre telling me that you want me to investigate the address of some random dudes you know, and you donʼt even know their last names?”
“please, at least try it. theyʼre our age.” said renjun while hugging donghyuck slightly.
“fine.”
renjunʼs ballet class had been a torture, his body was too exhausted from the lack of sleep to do some kind of physical exercise and his mind kept going back to jenoʼs pretty eyes and jaemin’s warm smile.
but the thing that had been more difficult, was to get out of his class and not have both boys sitting on the bench waiting for him.
[Sun, December 16]
the past days were awful days to renjun, but he had slept more and wasnʼt that disappointed everytime he would come out of class and wouldnʼt see them waiting for him.
donghyuck had texted him early in the morning about some information he had, and even if renjun didnʼt want to go there with hope and end up being disappointed –because after all, there could be a thousand of people their age called jaemin and jeno–, he still felt like this could be it. like he could see them again, at least once.
he didnʼt have ballet today, his teacher was sick once again, so he was gladly going to meet up with donghyuck instead.
“so, what is that information you talked to me about?” was the first thing renjun said when he saw donghyuck, the latter smiled.
renjun sat on the other chair that was available on the table donghyuck was sitting at and stared at him, expectantly.
“i donʼt know if these people are your jaemin and jeno, but i have these pics for you to confirm if they are.” said donghyuck while showing him some pics from his phone.
to say renjun was surprised was an understatement, donghyuck had found them. he could see them again and ask for an explanation or maybe give them a confession, whichever was the best at the moment.
“yes! tell me their addresses, i need to see them now!”
“hold up, i need to ask you something first.” said donghyuck, renjun frowned and nodded. “do you know them? if so, how?”
“yes, theyʼve been making me company every night from my ballet class to my grandmaʼs house. i really like them, hyuck.”
“okay but ren, thatʼs literally not possible. theyʼre dead.”
jaemin and jeno. dead.
“thatʼs not true. theyʼve been making me company for the past two months! we talk and they tell me stories an– donʼt joke like that!”
“does it seems like iʼm joking?” said donghyuck completely serious. “jaemin’s been dead for two years, he died on october 26. and jenoʼs been dead for two years too, he died on november 16.”
“i donʼt believe you. are you telling me iʼve been talking with ghosts?”
“no! i mean, i donʼt know. but iʼm being honest, ren.”
“i donʼt believe you. i donʼt believe you! youʼre a liar!” said renjun standing up from his chair and leaving as fast as he could, running away from the cafe they were at.
renjun ran and ran, not knowing where he was going but he just wanted to be away from donghyuck and his lies.
jaemin and jeno. dead. what a bullshit.
of course they werenʼt dead, he had talked to them a lot of times, he heard them speak about their lifes. they werenʼt dead. they werenʼt.
they always wear the same clothes, theyʼre paler than normal people, iʼve never seen them somewhere else than the bench. they could be dead.
but they arenʼt, they held hands. ghosts donʼt hold hands, right? they canʼt.
without even realizing it, there he was, in front of their bench. in front of the bench where they told him the big dipper story, where he felt the warm of their bodies next to his, where they would laugh at any mean joke jaemin would say about jeno. there he was.
but if they were really dead, why did they appear to him? and why did they leave? why?
was todayʼs night just as dark as the night he met jaemin? or was the news blurring his view and making it darker?
where was the moon on a night like this? and why couldnʼt he find the big dipper?
did callisto and arcturus leave with jaemin and jeno?
they were so many thoughts going on his mind while he watched their bench, while he heard the completely quiet of the night, and hearing not even a soul. and renjun hated it. hated how lonely he was feeling.
he was scared, lonely, confused and he couldnʼt see anything around him. he just wanted them, he just needed them. where were they?
“weʼre here jun, but you need to breathe.” he heard jenoʼs voice coming from somewhere. but he couldnʼt see him, he couldnʼt see anything.
“i– i canʼt see you, where are you?!”
“jun, please breathe and then youʼll see us. weʼll explain everything later but please breathe.” he heard jaemin on his right side.
he did as he was told, he needed to see them, hear them and understand what whatʼs going on.
after a while of renjun just trying to steady his breath, his vision wasnʼt blurry or dark anymore and he could clearly see jaemin standing in front of him.
jaemin looked even more pale on this night, his hair looked extra soft and black and renjun really wanted to run his fingers through it.
“alright, are you okay now?” asked jeno. renjun nodded.
“are you two dead?” asked renjun. “oh, it sounded less colder in my head.” jaemin laughed.
“yeah, we are. is that okay to you or?” replied jaemin.
“heʼs not going to be okay with it, jaemin.” said jeno rolling his eyes. renjun laughed.
“i mean, itʼs weird but –i donʼt know, am i talking to ghosts then?” jaemin nodded slowly.
“letʼs take a walk, junnie.” said jaemin with a soft tone, renjun nodded and started walking with them.
renjun was walking with both of them on each side, and he could feel their warmth, he could almost feel their arms brushing next to each other.
he felt something hard hit him from behind, almost as a punch, making him fly across the road. but his feet kept moving in the street, walking; he couldnʼt see anything behind him, jeno and jaemin were still there looking at him, on his sides, waiting for him to ask or say something. everything was alright.
“is it okay for you to tell me how…?” started asking renjun to jaemin, but he didnʼt know how to ask it without being rude.
renjun thought of many ways to make the other boy say his name but every single one seemed rude on his head, he didnʼt know how he would do it.
renjunʼs got a flash of the day he wanted to ask jaemin his name, but couldnʼt find the right words or the right moment. almost like now.
“itʼs fine. well, i was 16 and jeno had told me about this stupid story of the big dipper –which you are already familiar with–, so i was sitting on the bench fantasizing about it when this car just… yeah.” jaemin said.
“you were sitting on the bench, and it happened like that? thatʼs not fair.” said renjun, getting mad. jaemin smiled and nodded.
“it was my second anniversary the day you found me, you looked so lost and scared and i thought that itʼd be nice for you to have some company.”
“iʼm renjun, and iʼm going to my grandmaʼs house. would you like to make me company?” the other boy smiled and nodded, getting up from the bench.
“for me, it was kind of different.” said jeno. “i was used to live with jaemin and being around him that when i lost him, i barely knew how to function without him. so i was just passing by, with my headphones on, being completely distracted and sad. and didnʼt feel or hear anything around me. i just saw jaemin standing there and decided that i wanted him back.”
jaemin was just more talkative and energetic around jeno and renjun wished jaemin could be like that with him too.
it was harder to breathe for renjun, he felt something else filling his lungs, something that wasnʼt familiar.
“were you in love with him?” renjun still managed to ask.
“i guess we could say we both were.” replied jaemin. renjun nodded and kept walking next to them.
“why did you stop appearing?”
“we thought it was enough, you were too involved with us. you were prepared already.” said jeno.
“prepared for what?”
“for the death, junnie.”
renjun felt how his body was turning heavier and colder, how his lungs stopped functioning and heard the way his heartbeat was every time slower and slower.
he still felt the warmth that both boys radiated next to him and he felt how he started to radiate it too, he felt lighter and saw his skin turning a pale tone.
“the big dipper.” said jaemin, pointing to the sky while stopping his tracks completely.
“the big dipper.” jeno replied while smiling.
everything felt right to renjun, except for one thing.
renjunʼs hands went to jaemin and jenoʼs, holding them tightly, feeling their warmth go through his entire body, feeling the electricity run through his spine and he knew, that everything was going to be alright.
“yeah, the big dipper.”