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Outside the windows of Thornbriar, the rain is pouring and lightning striking. It would normally create quite a gloomy atmosphere but on this particular day I am involved in such a cloud of blissful happiness that nothing could ever be bleak. Thomas and I are officially engaged. My head is still wrapping itself around that fact and sometimes it still feels like a dream. But whenever I turn my gaze to find Thomas’ across the table, I see that same boundless joy reflected in his eyes and I know this is real.
We are having a dinner to celebrate our engagement and all our families - Liza, Aunt Amelia, father, Uncle Jonathan and Daciana - are here. Even Thomas’ father has come, and while he is a cold and insufferable man, not even he is able to quell the happiness of this day. I feel a small pang of sadness thinking of those that aren’t present. I think of my mother, of how I long for her to be able to give me advice and help me get dressed into my wedding gown. And of Nathaniel, not the monster he became, but my loving older brother who I still miss. Sometimes I feel guilt over missing him. But my mind has too many memories of him, of the love and happiness that it just refuses to fully reconcile this Nathaniel with the darkness that engulfed him. Only now, these wounds are more thoroughly healed, and the pain no longer drowns me as it once did. I can more easily move on from the sadness and feel the joy of this day again. Thomas seems to have noticed my brief moment of sadness, and his eyes carry tenderness and a silent question as they meet mine.
“Is everything alright?”
In that sweet moment, I am reminded once again of how much I love the man in front of me. How I have given myself to him completely. We are both whole on our own but together we are better, stronger; we can support each other through anything. I give him a smile that extends to my entire body, a smile that carries all the joy I feel in knowing we will get to build a life together. If my love for him was not already limitless, the smile he gives me in return alone would make it so. For that moment, we are lost in our own little universe, unaware of all other people in the room, sharing all the promises our life will bring.
****
The weather has somehow managed to become even more menacing by the end of the dinner. Thomas, Daciana and their father couldn’t possibly make the journey back to their estate without risking a serious accident. Some concessions will have to be made to what society dictates is proper regarding an unmarried couple spending the night in the same house. Aunt Amelia ordered for rooms to be arranged for the Cresswells at the opposite end from where my chambers are. She and Liza will also be sleeping in the room connected to my own.
I move closer to Thomas so I can wish him goodnight before we need to separate. Being officially engaged, it isn’t scandalous anymore for us to hold hands, a small blessing I thank profusely as I move one hand to intertwine with his. Even through my gloves, I feel heat spread on my body. Judging from the intensity in his look, he probably feels it too. Our engagement also means we will be allowed a little time to talk somewhat privately before someone came over to join us, silently announcing that this was the time limit for privacy propriety dictated.
“Tell me once again, Wadsworth” Thomas turns to face me; resting those golden flecked brown eyes on mine, his gaze so intense it could burn down worlds. “Tell me this is real and not a dream, that I can truly call you my betrothed and we’ll be spending our lives in the company of each other. I need to hear it one more time because against all evidence that supports it, my brain refuses to believe such happiness can be real.”
Though I’m facing the same struggle, I tell him the words, because maybe they will help convince me too. “This is the reality, my love.” I move to hold both his hands in mine and can’t hold back a smile, which I see reflected in his own face. I once feared marriage could be a cage, but I know now that with Thomas it could never be so. “We are betrothed.” I place a delicate kiss on his lips and take the opportunity to whisper in his ear the words I would like to say a thousand times “I love you, Thomas Cresswell, and it is permanent.”
Thomas wraps his hands around my waist and pulls me gently to him. I know that despite the apparent privacy, we are being carefully watched. Still, I am willing to stretch the borders of propriety a little, and I lay my head on Thomas’ shoulder, revelling in the perfection of this moment. So quietly I am certain only I can hear, he says “And I love you, my dearest Audrey Rose.” It is but a simple statement, no playfully flirtatious tone in it, no smirk accompanying the words. I know this is the side of Thomas only those he truly holds dear gets to see, and this knowledge warms my heart more than any other words he could have spoken. I wish we could stay this way forever, wish that we didn’t have to part soon lest we caused Aunt Amelia to die from shock.
As if also knowing this was exactly what her mother was likely to do, Liza approaches us and I use all my self-control to move away from Thomas’ embrace. Liza gives us an apologetic smile. “I am sorry for not being able to give the two of you more time, dear cousin and Mr. Cresswell. But if I might say, you two are being quite the scandalous pair today.” Her smile now turns mischievous, as if in fact she is proud of our boldness. “Mother was truly about to come over here herself after noticing you didn’t seem inclined to part from that embrace. I figured I would be the lesser evil, really.”
“Oh dear Liza, you are definitely much preferred. I am afraid Aunt Amelia might scold Thomas, me, or both of us and it would certainly not be a nice way to end this evening.” I hold her arm in mine, to show how truly thankful I am that she is my best friend in this world.
“It definitely would not be fun at all to be scolded, so I too should thank you.” Thomas says, playfully.
“You are very much welcome, my future cousin. And there is one more little thing I want to do for you two. I feel it is my duty to inform that my mother has drank far too much wine to do anything other than sleeping soundly all night. And as for me, I sleep like the dead.” She gives us a little wink at her pun, mirth spreading all over her face. Despite appearing to be the perfect society young lady, Liza loved testing the boundaries of what would be an acceptable behaviour. And I loved that about her. “Certainly, neither one of us would notice if your door opened, Audrey Rose. Or if there was any kind of sound coming from your chambers.” I can feel my cheeks burning at the boldness of such a statement. Liza just smiles a charmingly devious grin, and adds “Just as an extra caution, the connecting door keys could also mysteriously disappear for this night.”
At the scandal of her suggestion, I am certain my face has become even redder. Yet my heart is thrilled by this prospect. Wasn’t having a private moment with Thomas exactly what I had been wishing for all evening? This dinner was meant to celebrate a decision that would shape our lives forever, it signed that there would be a time when we no longer had any restrictions in expressing our love. And yet, we had barely managed to exchange any words alone.
As if reading my thoughts, Liza spoke. “Really, you both are the two people most emotionally involved in this and you have barely had the chance to exchange more than a couple words without interruption. So if I were you, Mr. Cresswell and dear cousin, I would take this opportunity to have a celebration where you could actually talk and act freely.” She looked around the room, most likely checking if her mother had already taken her attention away from us now that me and Thomas were not alone anymore. “I will move away for a little bit, to give you some privacy. Please think about what I just said.” With that, she went a little away from us, joining Daciana in a conversation, but still being close enough that it was not inappropriate. I turned to face Thomas, deciding to do the brave and bold thing tonight. “I … I think Liza is right and … we should do it. Have a celebration to ourselves, I mean.”
*****
I am pacing around my room, wondering whether Thomas will actually dare to come. I wonder why my maid has not come to dress me for the night yet. Wonder if Liza has something to do with it. I let out a small laugh, for I am quite sure she does.
When I hear a knock on the door, my heart immediately starts hammering in my chest. I open the door and see Thomas, carrying a bottle of wine and two glasses and looking like he is the happiest person in the universe. I immediately pull him inside and scan the corridor nervously, checking if anyone could have seen him. Mercifully, there is no one outside.
Thomas puts the wine and glasses on the table and starts talking. “Wadsworth…” he pauses for a while, and I see that he’s struggling with words, a trait I know only comes up when he wishes to discuss more emotional feelings. “I don’t even have words to express the extent of my happiness to know I will be spending the rest of my days with the woman of my life, because nothing I could say would do it justice.” As he says this, he takes my hands and slowly pulls me to him, locking me in an embrace. I lay my head in his chest and smell the now familiar scent of coffee and cologne, which my heart associates with safety and love.
Thomas hugs me closer and bends over a little to speak in my ear. “And while the grand dinner was extremely entertaining, I too think Liza is very much right, and this moment warrants a somewhat more… private celebration. And I knew you had already said you wanted it too, but still I’ve been pacing in my room for half an hour thinking whether I should do this or not. In the end I decided that you would not consider me any more of a scoundrel than you already do at my complete disregard of gentlemanly manners. So I would like suggest that we open some wine, toast to our brilliant future together, perhaps share a kiss or two.”
I move my head a little bit away from his chest so I can look at him. “Just to make it clear, are you proposing we drink wine, alone in my room, at this very improper hour, and then engage in indecent behaviour, Cresswell?” I tease him, while also thinking I truly have no objection to this plan at all, and he knows it. “Oh dear Audrey Rose, of course not. I only meant one or two chaste kisses. We have just got your father’s blessing for our engagement and I would like to stay in my future father in law’s good graces. I highly doubt behaving inappropriately with his daughter would help me with that.” Despite his words, his eyes carry a mischievous spark that indicates the idea has also crossed his mind. “However” he continues, confirming thoughts of indecency had indeed been in his head “I might be willing to change my mind if said daughter wishes to engage in a bit of debauchery. I know this is a very likely possibility since I am, after all, hard to resist.” He says it while looking me straight in the eyes and watching my reaction. And I know that it isn’t just a humorous remark, it is Thomas’ way of checking that I am absolutely okay with his being here. Of making sure I am consenting to a kiss or maybe more than that. And I definitely am. My heart and my body had willingly given themselves to him a long time ago.
I return his look and answer, while walking towards him and slowly trailing my hands up his arms “The daughter in question very much wishes to partake in an evening of drinking and debauchery with the man she loves the most in this life. “And Thomas, I…” I struggle to put my thoughts into words. But I need to find a way to say this. After all the suffering our miscommunication has caused Thomas I no longer want to leave anything unclarified. “I am also deliriously happy. All day today, I’ve felt like I am living in a dream, because I don’t know how else so much happiness could exist inside me. I love you. I feel like saying it a thousand times because it’s the only way I believe these little words could actually describe how I feel. I love you, Thomas Cresswell, and I am wholly yours, body and soul, from this day on and for all my life.”
Thomas stood quiet for a while, just looking at me, his brown eyes filled with joy. It makes my heart ache to think that one day I had made those eyes be filled with sadness instead. We had already had a painful but necessary conversation about the events on the Etruria. Though Thomas had forgiven me, I wonder if I’d ever be fully able to forgive myself. As if sensing the feelings that are wandering in my mind, Thomas gently brushes one hand along my cheek. “Today is not a day for thinking of our hardships, Audrey Rose. All the trials we have been through, the communication issues and the heartbreak, we faced them and we remained together. Today is the day we should celebrate all the good things that are to come.”
At that moment, I am left yet again wonderstruck by how much I love him. When he speaks to me like this, it feels like the world is comprised of just the two of us and our love, as vast as the universe. A sharp pain in my legs, now common whenever I am standing for too long, returns my conscience to reality. I move to sit on the chair by the table where the wine stands, opening the bottle and pouring it on the two glasses. Thomas sits on the other chair and I hand him one glass.
“I propose a toast to our future together.” I say, getting my glass and holding it up. “To this love that’s as great as the distance to the stars. To trust, partnership and the joy I feel in knowing I will wake up beside you every day.” Thomas opens a grin that could light up the world. “To the amazing Cressworths, partners in life and science.” He says, clinking his glass with mine. We both sip the wine and I can’t help smiling as well.
We talk about our families, share fun stories from our childhood, discuss our favourite books and even some autopsy cases, as the night unravels around us. The knowledge that Liza has indeed locked the door that leads to the connected room, the wine we are drinking and the trust and ease I feel around Thomas slowly take away my tension and the fear of us being discovered. We sit in an atmosphere of complete ease around each other, comfortable even in the moments of silence. I find myself thinking what it would be like to be able to share moments like these every day. This thought, of getting to spend my life with him, makes me feel like I am walking among stars, inside the universe Thomas had once painted for me, because it is completely beautiful and mesmerising. It makes me want to forsake all propriety and just jump into his embrace until all I can feel and smell and see is him, and the sweet haze the wine is slowly causing in my brain does no favours to my self-control.
“Wadsworth, I’ll ask forgiveness in advance for my ungentlemanly remark, but when you stare at me like that, like you wish to devour me whole, it makes it so much harder to not do something completely indecent.” Thomas says with a fire in his eyes. God help me, I am completely lost by that look. Damn society, damn whatever roles are expected of recently engaged couples, damn what anyone would think of it. I get up from my chair and place myself in Thomas’ lap, wrapping my hands around his neck, and just saying what I want without holding back. “Then by all means, let’s not control ourselves anymore. I love you, I want you and I see nothing wrong with that.”
I crash my lips against his and run my hands all over his back. He returns the kiss just as intensely, one hand wrapping around my waist and the other tangling itself in my hair. One small part of my brain registers Thomas is removing my hairpins, letting my curls fall freely on my back. All the other parts are completely surrendered to the fire slowly engulfing me. Thomas’ fingers move to the laces of my dress, but stop hesitatingly. I slowly break our kiss and move my mouth to whisper in his ear “You may absolutely continue what you were going to do, Cresswell. There is nothing I want more than to be free from this dress.” If I am being honest with myself, there are actually a few things I want more. But getting to them involves losing the dress, so they are really one and the same.
“Impossible as it seems, I love you even more when you are so bold, Audrey Rose. Do feel free to do it more times.” he says, as he gently lifts me from his lap. Carefully, he turns me around and starts working on the laces, at an agonizingly slow pace for my burning body. He places a kiss on my neck and I feel a surge of electricity from head to toe. When he is done unlacing it, I remove my arms from the sleeves and let the bodice fall to the floor. He continues his work, dutifully helping me remove my over and underskirts, and the ridiculously long bustle I am wearing with them. Whenever his hands graze my body, even though it is through the fabric, I melt a little in anticipation. I step out of the skirts and of my silk shoes, pushing then under the table to get them out of the way, and turn to face Thomas. Now I am only wearing my corset, chemise, drawers and stockings. It’s still many layers, but just the fact of standing in front of Thomas in a state of undress is intoxicatingly intimate. He looks at me with such wonder and adoration it is as if I am the queen of our own universe. “You’re beautiful, Audrey Rose” he speaks softly, his words a caress in my skin.
I can’t hold myself back anymore, not when I see all the love and desire present in his eyes. Not when his words and his adoration make me love and want him even more than I already do. I move my lips to his again and both of us get lost in the sensation of our embrace. All the universe is forgotten and consists only of our tongues touching, our hands wandering from hair to face to back, like some sort of furious yet loving dance that gets us both stumbling across the room. We only stop for brief moments, to unlace my corset, to take off Thomas’ jacket, to remove my drawers. Somehow we reach my bed and Thomas lies down while I sit on top of him, straddling his lap. He pulls me down gently to whisper in my ear. “You have no idea how much I adore how scandalous you’re being today, Wadsworth.” There is a playful teasing in his tone and a raggedness in his breath that show me just how much he adores it. And by God, I love it just as much, and if loving too much will condemn me, then so be it.
He starts moving his hands up my legs, in a deliriously slow pace, which makes it difficult to gather enough rational thoughts in my brain to form a reply. Perhaps it’s the wine, or perhaps it’s the intoxication of the moment itself or just simply the fact that my brain cannot register anything but him, but my answer is even more daring. “Trust me, Cresswell, I know just how much you loved my scandalous behaviour.” I slowly move my mouth along his jaw and whisper in his ear. “In fact, I can feel it now, since we no longer have all the layers of a dress separating us.” I accompany the last statement by moving my hips slightly, which elicits a moan from Thomas and sends a jolt of pleasure all up my spine. I long, no, I need to see more of him. My hands move to the buttons of his shirt, slowly pulling each one of them open. When I am done, I take a minute to restrain myself and not immediately run my hands all over his torso. I want to just look at this wonderful boy that I love with all of my heart and all of my soul. He is almost painfully handsome, like something made by gods, like the Greek sculptures at museums.
No longer managing to stand still, I lay a hand just over his pants’ waistband and lean down to place a light kiss on his shoulder. So many times I had wondered how his skin would feel under my hands. How the strong planes of his stomach would react if I placed kisses all over it. I waste no time before taking his shirt off of his arm and acting on these wishes. Thomas draws out small moans every time my lips touch his skin. I move my right hand slowly up his stomach, savouring that feeling which ignites a flame inside me. It seems Thomas feels the same way, for he pulls me to him, bringing his lips to mine with an urgent hunger that’s incredibly thrilling. We become locked in an embrace composed of fire, skin and electricity, each touch both satisfying and igniting our desire.
Without breaking the kiss, Thomas rolls us around so that he is now lying on top and I revel in the sensation of his weight over me. I wrap my legs around him using them to pull him closer, to drive his hips more strongly against mine and feel more of that incredible pressure building in my centre. I can feel that he desires me as much as I desire him and the thought that I can elicit such a reaction spurs a wave of pleasure so strong I can’t believe our bodies are not yet touching with no barriers between them. Thomas moves his hand under my chemise until it is resting on top of my stockings. He looks at me as if checking for approval at his touch, and I give him a small nod. At that, Thomas places a sweet kiss right above my knee as he slowly pushes each of the stockings down. He then traces the reverse path, kissing all the way up my legs, stopping a little longer on the scar at my thigh. I know he still feels responsible for it. I fear he will always be. But I would take a thousand more knife wounds if it meant saving his life, because I can no longer see my future without us both together.
Thomas’ tongue continues travelling up, erasing all thoughts of fear and heartbreak off of my mind, engulfing everything in a haze of desire. As he moves up, he also grabs the fabric of my chemise, pushing it up until it reaches my arms. I hold them up and he takes it completely off, leaving me bare before him.
Standing near Thomas like this, showing all of me, is as intoxicating as a drug. It speaks of trust, of desire and of a complete surrender. The intimacy of the moment hangs in the air around us, hangs in the way his golden brown eyes move over me with both tenderness and lust. I am not quite embarrassed at being undressed; I want this and feel the power of having made the choice to share this with Thomas. Nevertheless I can tell a blush is forming in my cheeks at the intensity of his gaze, at the novelty of this moment, at the excitement humming around us.
Ever observant, Thomas notices it and leans over me, one hand gently lifting my chin up so I am facing him, and later stroking my cheek. When he speaks, his tone is filled with such admiration that it completely washes away any small bit of self-consciousness I might be feeling. “Please never be embarrassed, my love. You are the most beautiful creature in this universe.” And if I wasn’t already completely his, I would become right now, seeing how much I mean to him.
He gives me a sweet kiss, bending more over me in other to do so. When I feel our bare chests touch, I am engulfed in a fire that has me turning the kiss into something more urgent, my hands moving all along his back. I feel it is too soon when he breaks it, but quickly forget it as he keeps placing kisses on my neck, then right above my clavicle and going slowly lower; while his left hand moves from my knee and up my thighs in a scorching trail. Not ever before have I felt this way; have I needed him so much. I think my desire can’t become greater, until his mouth reaches my nipple and he gently sucks on it, his hand stroking the other one. This sends a wave of pleasure crashing on my body and I release such a lustful sound I didn’t know I could make. Thomas takes this as an encouragement and increases the intensity of his explorations, and the feeling of his tongue on my skin becomes all my brain can focus on. Emerging among the haze of my brain, a need born of curiosity and desire has me moving my hand up his thighs, searching, exploring. When I slightly brush my hand against the bulge in his breeches I can feel Thomas’ breath catch against my skin.
“Audrey Rose, you don’t have to.”
“You” I say, though it’s hard to make the words come out between my accelerated breaths “are the sweetest and kindest person on the universe, you know that?” I give him a gentle kiss. “I know very well that I don’t have to, my darling Thomas, but I very much want to touch you. You have no idea how much I’ve wanted to do this, how many times I’ve imagined it.”
“You’ve… imagined me?” I notice again how this is a side of Thomas only I get to see. The Thomas that existed in public, his cocky and overconfident façade, would have teased me about thinking about him undressed. In here though, with just the two of us and no barriers, he is actually sweet and a little unbelieving that I had actually done it. But how could I not have, when my mind so often wandered off to think of him, of each little thing I loved and longed to explore and know? “Yes” I say, simply. “Haven’t you … imagined me?” He looks down before answering, looking almost … guilty.
“Yes, I have imagined you. More times than I could count, and I felt bad every time it happened. I tried so hard to avoid it. I keep thinking I have no right, because you are a person and I have no right to sexualise you for my pleasure.” Oh my sweet, darling Thomas. How could he feel bad for such a thing? Didn’t he know I would gladly allow him to imagine me always, to desire me always? For so long we’ve known each other now and there are still parts of him I didn’t imagine existed. “Well, I want to ask you something then, Thomas.” Softly, I put a hand on his shoulder to move us both so I can stand on my knees, facing him. Then I take his hand and place it on the outside of my thigh, laying my hand just on top of it. “Next time you are thinking of me, imagine the feeling of caressing my skin likes this.” I move both our hands up my leg, slowly, savouring every moment. “Don’t ever feel bad about desiring me, because you should know I desire you just as much. The way I see it, thinking of me for your pleasure does not in any way diminish me as a person. On the contrary, it’s part of our very human nature that we are attracted to each other.” Thomas is so unusually quiet, as if completely focused in this moment, in my words and in his hand on my skin. The intensity in his eyes, though, shows a glimpse of the usual unrest of his mind, always with a thousand thoughts going through it. I hope my words will be engraved in his mind always, because I don’t ever wish him to think this could ever be wrong. I now move his hand higher up, until it reaches my breast. “Imagine the feeling of my breasts; imagine the sounds I make when you touch me this way. You can imagine every part of me, Thomas. You can even imagine …” I get his hands and lead them between my legs, hardly believing that I am actually being this forward. But I need to feel his touch as much as I want him to know I truly mean it when I say he can think of all of me “ …the feeling of your fingers entering me, the wetness in here that’s only for you”. Thomas’ finger inside me is making it harder to concentrate now, making it hard not to collapse into only moans of his name. I concentrate all my efforts to finish my line of thought, and move my mouth to whisper in his ear. “Promise me that, when you think of all of this, you will remember you have my absolute permission. Remember I feel not diminished but honoured to have you desiring me in such a way, because I know you love me Thomas, as I love you, and I trust you with all that I am.”
He is now pumping his finger slowly, while using another finger to massage my clit, and I can no longer form any phrases. I just lose myself in the sensation of this moment, how I love the wave of pleasure starting to build up inside me. Without breaking our contact, Thomas lays me down again and brings his lips to mine, the kiss harder and more urgent than any we ever shared before. The effect of all these sensations combined on my brain has me feeling as if all the world, logical thoughts and words have ceased to exist; and everything resumes in me and Thomas, skin touching skin in a fiery embrace. He breaks our kiss only to continue placing kisses on my neck, on my collarbone, my breasts and each time lower, the path he’s making lighting my skin on fire. He finally reaches the place I crave his touch the most and nothing could ever have prepared me for the feeling when he replaces his finger with his tongue, sucking around my knot. I can’t control myself and say his name in the form of a moan, my hand moving to tangle itself in his messy curls, my fingers curling with pleasure. He stops briefly and both his words and the vibration of his lips against my sensitive skin nearly take me over the edge.
“I adore it when you moan my name like this, my love, and I hope to cause it to happen many times more today.” He immediately returns his tongue to my clit and I am not sure what my answer to his remark is. The closest thing that resembles a phrase I can think of is “Oh Thomas, yes”, and I can’t tell if I say it in between my moans. Thomas adds another finger inside me, pumping slowly at first so I can adjust to it. Then he gradually increases the rhythm, his fingers so perfectly long that they can reach just the right spot, while his tongue licks and sucks on my folds intensely but carefully, as if he wants to savour every inch of me. With every touch, I feel a surge of electricity go through my body and increase my desire, making me grab the sheets and arch my hips up. We are still new at this, still finding our own rhythm and knowing each other, but even this search is thrilling. Thomas is constantly checking how I like it, wanting to make sure I am thoroughly satisfied. And as damned as I might be for it, I am, so very much.
I once thought kissing him was the highest pleasure I could feel, but this, this was even greater. The waves of pleasure are crashing over me more frequently now, building up until I feel an overwhelming need to have his tongue touch me so close to where it is now, but not quite there. It’s as if all the tension accumulated inside me has been gathered in that point, needing to be released. I don’t quite manage to say the words, but my body seems to have a will of its own and I arch my hips to the left. This draws Thomas’ attention. He lifts his head and gives me an inquisitive look.
“It was just…” I pick up my courage and say it with honesty “if you just move your tongue slightly to your right … it would be …” I can’t keep going, because Thomas has already immediately obliged, while also pumping the two fingers that are inside me faster, and I could swear I was seeing stars. The tension begins to be released inside me, spreading from where Thomas is touching me until the tips of my fingers, a melody building up to its triumphant conclusion. He keeps up the pace of his sucking and when pumps a third finger inside me, I reach my climax, adrenaline and energy jolting through my body until I can’t form any coherent thought or remember another word that’s not his name, which escapes as a moan from my lips, over and over again. Thomas doesn’t remove his fingers or stops his ministrations until I have completely relaxed around him, feeling blissfully in peace and unable to do anything more than breathe in gasps. Then he moves up to lay by my side and I give him a smile that I hope conveys just how wonderful he is. I take his hand in mine and we lay side by side, until our breaths even. When I can speak again, I tell him one more time, hoping repetition will carve these words in his heart, will make him never doubt they are true.
“I love you. I love you more than anything, Thomas.”
He stares at me in a way that makes me think he is finally starting to believe. “And I love you too, my dearest Audrey Rose, my equal and my partner.”
I move my lips to his again, starting a soft kiss that slowly grows hungrier as our bare chests meet, as my legs tangle with his and I move my hands along his back, drawing him closer still. He rolls us both over and lies on top of me, placing kisses on my neck with one hand tangled in my hair and the other caressing from my knees up to my thighs. Where our bodies meet, I can feel how great his desire is, and this thought ignites another flame inside me. The need to touch him and fully see him emerges once more, and I move my hands between his legs until I can touch the bulge in his breeches. Carefully, I stroke along all of his length, which elicits a series of low moans from Thomas. I marvel at how hard it feels to the touch and wonder if it doesn’t hurt against the confines of his pants. My hands move to undo his buttons while I whisper in his ear “I believe it’s only fair I have my turn as well.” This time he doesn’t object, and there is even a spark of mischief in his eyes as he speaks “And I would do anything to fulfil your wishes, my dearest, so I am more than happy to oblige.”
“Good.” I say, as I turn us so that now I am pinning him to the bed “You have absolutely no idea how much I want to touch you right now, Cresswell.” Softly, I graze my lips over his in the slight shadow of a kiss, moving my mouth lower to his neck and continuing to place soft kisses there “I want to kiss each and every part of you.” His skin feels amazing against my lips, simultaneously quelling and kindling my passion. My mouth is now on his chest, then at his stomach, never stopping teasing him. Thomas’ breathing is getting more and more uneven the longer I keep caressing him, and I feel like a queen at having the power to cause him to make the lustful sounds coming from his mouth right now. “But do you want to know what I want most of all?” I now kiss just above the bones of his hips, and I can feel his body shudder when I do it. It takes all of my self-control not to rip off his clothing and just take him in my mouth. I move both of us to sit on the edge of the bed, and then place my hands on the waistband of his breeches, pulling them out along with his drawers. I am wholly transfixed by the sight of him bare before me. I move my eyes all over him, taking every inch slowly, devouring and savouring all little details. The sight of his cock, stiff with his wanting, is almost enough to break me completely and send me over the edge. But I am enjoying teasing him way too much, and it’s not yet the time to fully indulge in my wishes. I give him a mischievous smile, while nudging his legs apart with my knee. Thomas has his eyes focused on me, his gaze so intense I can almost feel the fire that must be burning inside him. “What I want most of all, Thomas,” I get down on my knees in front of him and return the fire in his gaze “is to take you in my mouth, right now.” This has him losing it completely. “Please.” his voice comes out more as a moan “Please, Audrey Rose, just please do it.”
My heart is beating faster from the anticipation of finally touching Thomas, thrills of excitement going through my entire body. The feeling of being on my knees, but to be doing this of my own choice, it’s intoxicating. It’s like I am offering him all that I am, no barriers, no secrets. And my inquiring mind is ignited with the eagerness to know how he will feel against my lips.
Keeping my gaze locked in his, I take his cock with one hand and give a lick all along its length, savouring this new sensation; his skin hot and rigid against my tongue. Never having done this before, I let myself be guided by instinct, by desire and by Thomas’ reactions. I keep exploring him, slowly gaining confidence and eliciting a series of low moans from Thomas. I get a surge of brazen boldness and move my mouth to the tip of his cock, taking him in as deep as I can while wrapping my hands around what I couldn’t fit. Slowly at first, I start to work with both fingers and tongue, tracing circles with it around the tip. As I gradually increase my rhythm, Thomas’ breathing get more and more irregular and he tangles one of his hands in my hair, gently holding my head. I feel as if we are incredibly connected in this moment, somehow communicating without words so well that I can understand he is using the hand in my hair to indicate he likes the way I’m doing it. Our gazes never leave one another, keeping him and I existing in this small universe composed only of love, passion and trust, where the pleasure both of us are feeling is so intense it could burn down worlds. I am even more certain I want this forever, want him to be mine and me to be his for as long as we both shall live.
I start to move faster, my tongue tracing circles on the tip of his cock with even more intensity, which has him emitting such lustful sounds I never before heard him make. Sounds that I want to hear a hundred times more.
“This is incredible, my love. You’re incredible.” Thomas’ voice is husky with desire and I have never before felt so powerful and wanted. The thought of having the power to elicit such pleasure from him causes an indescribable feeling in my body. I love feeling like this. Love the fact that my touch can make him completely lose grasp of rational thoughts and drive him over the edge. I feel like a goddess, like a queen.
His hand caresses my hair with added intensity now, his moans louder and more frequent, interspacing all words when he speaks. “I am so close now, Audrey Rose”. There is no describing how much I adore hearing my name escape his lips as a moan. I keep up my pace, stroking and licking him, and notice he can barely hold himself together now. He comes with my name in his lips, the taste of his seed salty on my mouth.
I move my gaze to his, wanting him to see me as I swallow, and the feeling of having him on my tongue is so intensely arousing, so much stronger than I could have anticipated, that I can’t help a provocative smile coming to my lips. Thomas watches me intently, his gaze so intense I swear I can feel it inside me. The adoration and passion I can see in his eyes tell me that he finds the idea of me being aroused with the feeling and taste of him as alluring as I do. He moves his hands to my waist and gently lifts me up, settling me on his lap. I place one arm around his neck to keep me balanced, as he softly traces my cheeks with his fingers. We stay this way for a while, our breaths the only sound in the room as they start to return to a normal state. Thomas is the first to speak, his words whispered into my ear.
“You are incredible, Wadsworth.” He spoke the next words accompanied by sweet kisses. “Stunning.” A kiss on my cheek. “Intelligent.” A kiss just below my ear. “Brilliant.” A kiss on my lips. “My love for you is so great I can’t ever hope to describe it. Every little part of you, body and mind, I love them all. To know that I will get to be with you every day, that you have chosen me, is the biggest happiness and the greatest honour.”
His words make me walk among the stars, my heart soaring as high as them, feeling like it has been warmed by the sun. For the love I feel is just as intense as his, the honour and happiness of one day being his wife just as great. I smile as I make a declaration of my own. “You are incredible and I am the luckiest girl to have you for me. All of you,” I start, my tone teasing to bring some levity to this moment “not just your body, though it is definitely a sight to behold.” He gives a little smug smile, joining me in my little quip. “But you are also sweet, caring, kind and someone that I would trust with everything that I am, always. And I love you; I’ve chosen you to give myself to. Don’t ever forget that, Thomas.”
I move my lips once more to his, kissing him intensely, fiercely, a kiss that contained all our love, all the stars, the immenseness of the universe and the promises our future together will bring. Thomas returns it just as strongly, but after a little while slowly breaks it and makes a move to get up from the bed. I know he needs to go, that all we have done is already utterly scandalous, that we’re not married yet and getting caught would result in an unspeakable scandal. But I don’t wish to let him go quite yet. I gently hold his hand in mine. “I think we can still risk you staying a while longer. Please.”
He looks at me with unguarded love and desire, and I know I have convinced him. “Wadsworth, you fiend. If we get caught, I am blaming you for corrupting my virtue. Though I must admit it is already not very pure to begin with.”
I roll my eyes at him. “Just kiss me, Cresswell.”
****
I wake up with the morning light on my face, my legs all tangled in Thomas’, and his arms around me. My whole body is pleasantly sore, and this feeling reminds me of all that happened last night and makes a smile come to my lips. I move a little bit and Thomas stirs and pulls me closer, still half asleep. I am not completely awake myself, because me and Thomas hardly slept at all, but my brain registers that this moment is perfect, and I wish I could stay this way with him forever, that there were no rules that kept us from being able to be together before our marriage. There is something wrong with that sentence and this scenario that I struggle to grasp in my sleep addled brain. When I hear a knock on the door, the wrongness hits me in the head like a brick: We are not married. Thomas did not return to his chambers. If we get caught, my reputation is lost forever; the scandal could ruin our families. I immediately give Thomas a frantic shake, saying as quietly as I can so no one will overhear me “Wake up, Thomas!”
He opens his eyes and opens his mouth to speak, but I put my hand in his mouth, while putting a finger in mine to indicate he needs to be silent.
“Someone’s at the door.” I say, a little panicked. “We ended up falling asleep, and it’s already day. We need to find a way for you to return to your chambers unnoticed. But for now, you need to hide, so I can answer the door.” Thomas nods, still a little sleepy, puts his clothes on and moves under my bed, which indeed seems like the only plausible option for a place where he would not be seen. I get dressed as well and do my best to look presentable; checking that none of the love marks on my skin is showing and hoping my lips are not too swollen. Heart racing, I open the door.
Liza and Daciana stand there, and the relief I feel almost makes me drop to my knees in thanks. They seem to notice my flustered behaviour, as Liza immediately says. “Good morning, dear cousin. Relieved to see it’s only us and not mother, are you not? Well, me and Miss Cresswell came to make sure you will not miss your breakfast, didn’t we?” She gives a mirthful look to Daciana, who replies in a low tone that only we can hear. “That, and to keep my lovable idiot of a brother out of trouble once again.”
Liza looks into my room. “Will you please invite us in, Audrey Rose. It is not very becoming to stay standing outside your door, and we won’t be able to actually talk until we’re inside.”
“You’re right Liza, I am sorry, please do come in. Both of you. I haven’t…” I feel a blush coming to my cheeks at what I will have to admit. “I haven’t slept much and I am afraid my brain is still not fully awake.”
Both girls come inside my room and I close the door behind us. I am mortified to have completely lost track of time and of consequences, but completely relieved we only got caught by Liza and Daciana and not by our other relatives.
“Thomas, you can come out of wherever you are.” Daciana says, so nonchalantly it would seem like we are simply discussing ball gowns and tea delicacies. “I just hope by God that you’re decent; for I do not wish to see you in your undergarments, much less in fewer clothing than that.”
“And seeing Mr. Cresswell undressed may be a little too inappropriate even by my not very strict standards.” Liza chimes in. I blush redder than the curtains as Thomas comes out of under the bed, thankfully having fully dressed earlier.
“Good morning, dear sister and dear future cousin.” Thomas says with a smirk and such confidence it would seem he does this every day. I guess it’s a family trait to keep their countenance even in completely inappropriate situations. “I trust you slept well? I had the most wonderful night, though I must confess it was a little lacking in actual sleeping.”
“Thomas!” I give him a nudge on his arm and could swear this morning is probably trying to test what is the deepest shade of red my face can reach. “Can we please, please move out of discussing the events of yesterday evening?”
“Alright dear cousin, If it will keep you from dying from being so flustered, I guess we can all agree to refrain from discussing yours and Mr. Cresswell’s little night time escapade.” Liza gives me a little playful smile that tells me she will do anything but once we’re alone. “Now let’s get going, mother is becoming worried you haven’t yet called for your maid to get you dressed for breakfast. And we need to find a way to get Mr. Cresswell out of here before his disappearance is also noted.”
“Worry not, Liza,” Daciana says while trading a conspiratorial glance with my cousin. I notice they are already on a first name basis and wonder how much these two have been talking. “The Cresswell’s are expert on escaping getting caught doing what they shouldn’t. Although I must admit it seems too much love has addled your brain, Thomas.”
“Stuff it, Daci.” Thomas playfully throws a pillow at his sister. “Hopelessly in love as I indeed am; my mind is still just as brilliant.”
“So brilliant you fell asleep instead of returning to your chambers. Come on, I brought you a change of clothing more appropriate for the morning and with the great advantage of not being the same ones you were wearing yesterday.” Only now do I notice she’s carrying a bag, which she hands over to Thomas”
“You can get changed in my bathing chamber.” I motion in its general direction, still not quite managing to make eye contact with him for fear I will just completely turn the colour of a tomato. He quickly changes, and Daciana and Liza open the door and to check if the hallway is empty.
Taking the opportunity of this small moment of privacy, I take his hand and place a sweet kiss on his cheek, speaking so low only he can hear. “I can’t wait for the day you no longer need to leave in the morning.” He smiles, as radiant as the sun, and places a kiss on my hand. “I will be longing for it just as eagerly. Last night was … incredible. You’re incredible, and I love you.”
It takes no effort to return his smile just as intensely, because joy and anticipation are filling me in this moment. “And I love you, for all my life. See you at breakfast, Thomas.” With great difficulty, I let go of his hand.
“See you at breakfast, Audrey Rose. Try not to miss me too terribly.”
I roll my eyes at his comment. “I will do my best not to die from longing, Cresswell.”
“Okay lovebirds, there’s no one outside, and Thomas really must go now.” Daciana’s words seep into our little moment, and Thomas gives me one last look before coming out the door.
As soon as they leave, Liza gives me a mischievous smile, and I just know I will not get away with going to breakfast before talking to her. She sits on the bed, giving little jumps of excitement and patting the mattress. “Now sit here and tell me cousin, was dashing Mr. Cresswell as good with his tongue as he is with his deductions?”