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In the end it’s tacos that put Nico on the path to breaking her most important rule.
A year ago, when she turned twenty, Nico decided to dedicate herself and her magic staff to solving the world’s problems. It had seemed so much simpler than trying to solve any of her own. She broke her bank cards and drowned her phone, leaving the world stage for the places behind and beneath, places where she could focus on making magic happen.
The upside of her decision was that Nico has been much harder to track for the kinds of people who like to keep tabs on reality-altering vigilante witches. Of the many, many downsides, it’s been a lot harder for Nico to order the kinds of food she used to take for granted. The kind she would share with her friends in celebration of their heroics, back in the days when they were no longer on the run, when Nico thought she could be a hero, when everything was golden. Back in the days when Nico thought she could give enough of herself to the best person she knew to ever deserve the love she gave back in unending waves.
Nico managed to be ruthless when it came to cutting out of her life things that could be used to hunt her or could be turned against her. But some part of her still tried to maintain the old ritual that Molly had initiated: a big hero win earns a big hero meal.
So after spending an exhausting week tracking down and a magic-heavy day shutting down the operation of a technomancer dabbling in virally-propagating, curse-infected smartphones, Nico decides that she’s earned tacos.
Instead of burrowing into her nest of blankets in the back of an abandoned hardware store she’s been calling home and trying to catch up on her ever elusive quarry, sleep, Nico bundles up in a big black hoodie and staggers, drunk on fatigue, into the late LA night. She lurks near Leo’s Taco Truck with her hood up until the crowd thins out enough for her to feel safe approaching and ordering. She’s pulling some of the crumpled bills she’d taken from the technomancer’s safe out of her pocket when the sky starts to rain fire
An instant later, an apartment building a block away erupts like a tiny volcano, blasting fire and debris into the night.
An instant after that, the screaming starts.
An instant after that, Nico drops her money, abandons her tacos, pulls her staff and starts running.
An indefinable period of time after that, Nico hobbles to her sleeping spot leaning on the staff, her skin grey, blood leaking slowly from her nose. She leaves the scene with the apartment building never having been destroyed, the sky never having filled with fire, except in her memories alone.
Nico spends most of the next week holed up in her hideout, trying to recover from the amount of magic she’d used to twist reality around in saving the building and its occupants. She doesn’t sleep the entire time, just drifts through longer and longer periods of hazy exhaustion punctuated with decreasing periods of lucidity.
She spends another two days telling herself that she has survived so many other things, she can handle insomnia. She’s rarely slept more than four hours a night in the last year anyway. And it isn't the first time she’s relied too heavily on the staff and messed up her brain chemistry. It isn't the first time she’s lost the ability to sleep, even if this is by far the worst it’s ever been.
She spends the whole of the next day having her denial and resolve worn away by her new, sleepless reality. She spends a whole night thinking about how easy it used to be to find sleep, before she fucked up the best thing in her life.
As soon as Nico starts thinking about her, she spends another day telling herself that there are some rules that even a reality-altering vigilante witch can’t break. At least, there is one rule that can never be broken, not if the witch’s name is Nico Minoru.
And then, when another night comes and Nico is no closer to sleep, she finally acknowledges that she has to bow to the pressure building in her or shatter beneath it.
Nico decides to bend the rules she set herself a year ago.
Full credit to Gert, she barely screams when she looks into her bathroom mirror and sees Nico staring out at her.
“Holy fuck!” Gert’s toothbrush rattles when she drops it in the washbasin. She stabs an accusing finger at the mirror while her right hand scrabbles for a weapon deadlier than a towel in her immediate area. “If you aren’t Nico, mirror creeper, I’m going to be so pissed! And I warn you, I have a telepathic link to a dinosaur who needs a new chew toy!”
“It’s...me, Gert. It’s Nico.”
“Okay! Okay. I’m still really pissed, but slightly less terrified. Quick question! Why the fuck are you in my mirror?”
“I...need help. I’m sorry. And technically, I’m not in your mirror. I’m in a restroom in a McDonald’s in Echo Park. This is a projection. Can I come over?”
“Can you…?” Gert grips the basin with both hands and takes a few seconds to breathe. “Why not? It’s only been a year since you said you were worried about what the staff was doing to you, then vanished on us all without another word! You selfish asshole! Sure! Come over. If you’re in Echo Park, I should have time to wake up Old Lace and round up the rest--”
Adding more guilt to the ever-building pile, Nico whispers a spell that turns the metaphysical space between the mirrors they’re speaking through into a metaphysical bridge. She whispers another spell that turns the mirrors into doors and then she uses the sink in the McDonald’s restroom to vault through the mirror on her end and tumble out of the mirror in Gert’s bathroom. Gert shrieks, barely dodging Nico, who bangs her hip on the washbasin and lands in a heap on Gert’s tiled floor.
“Ow.”
“Why couldn’t you just get a fucking cab, Nico?” Gert has both hands in her hair which, Nico suddenly realises, is dyed red on top, and black where it’s undercut. “Why did you just magic yourself through...and did it have to be from a McDonald’s? Seriously? You’re bringing corporate molecules into my home now? How am I supposed to be okay with that?”
Nico’s slightly shocked when she bursts out laughing. She’s more shocked--and so very grateful--when Gert joins her. When she has breath enough to speak, Nico says, “I needed a big enough mirror and McDonalds was the closest place I could find that had one. Sorry.” Nico clears her throat. “I, uh, like your hair.”
“Oh, God! Nico...thanks?”
“Did Chase finally convince you to get Lasik, too?”
“Uh...yeah. Well, more like he convinced Molly and Alex and...everyone to bully me incessantly until I caved.” Gert sighs. “Nico. You’re on the floor. Can we...actually, can you even stand up?”
Nico’s hip throbs and her whole existence is an ache that starts in her bones and invades every inch of her body and mind. “Yeah. I’m just…working my way up to it.”
Without glasses getting in the way, it’s that much easier to see Gert’s eyes fill with pain. It’s all the motivation Nico needs to lever herself up off the floor and get to her feet. She’s kept a straight face through worse than a bruised hip, so Nico doesn’t need to check the now solid mirror to know she’s giving nothing away. But given the look on Gert’s face, it still feels like Nico is completely transparent right now. She’s already regretting her decision to come here.
Gert sighs. “Let’s get you to a couch. Chase had a game tonight, but he’ll be back soon. I’ll call Alex and Molly and we can hash this emergency out. And I’ll get you an ice pack for that hip. You want something to drink while we wait? Something to eat?”
Nico shakes her head. “No, no. It’s not that kind of...I want sleeping pills. Prescription grade. Strong enough to knock me out. That’s all, Gert. Then I’ll get out of your way, before Chase gets home.”
Gert stares at her. Her voice is flat when she says, “That’s...all.”
Nico winces. “Yeah.”
“And then you’ll…” Her chest heaves. “Get out of the way? Because, yes, I do consider my friends to be such an inconvenience! The way they’re in my life, being there for me, letting me be there for them? Such a hassle! I appreciate you, Nico Minoru, for getting out of the way instead!” She throws up her arms. “At least you let us all know that you’re alive by making the news from time to time! Knowing you're fighting criminals and psychos on both sides of the law, without backup? That’s better than joining our WhatsApp group, for sure! Which, seriously, you should. Molly posts so many cat gifs, so I've been retaliating with Old Lace videos. It's kind of amaz--"
“Gert! I...I’m running on fumes here. I need to get back to work, and to do that, I need to sleep. Not just for...if I start hallucinating, if I lose my grip on reality, I can actually change it! I could do some serious damage if...” Nico groans. “I know it’s...it’s fucked up to show up like this--”
“It’s the not showing up that’s fucked, Nico!” Gert’s voice is a whip. “We were a team! A family. After all the shit we went through…” She shakes her head. “God, fine. You can barely stand and you’re a stubborn enough idiot to jump through that mirror again rather than listen to me. I don’t have any sleeping pills here. But if you’re really so desperate to leave, then you can drag your mangled carcass two blocks east. I’ll message someone who can meet you and get you set up for a night’s rest.”
“Gert…” Nico hangs her head. “Thank you.”
“Thank me by not dying and by using my front door when you leave. Use it next time you visit, too.” Gert suddenly engulfs Nico in a hug. “And don’t wait another year. I love you, you stubborn asshole! I want you in my way.”
Nico is too ashamed to say anything. She hugs Gert as tightly as she can, hoping that says enough.
Of course, Gert is genetically incapable of letting an opportunity to meddle pass her by. So of course she completely fucks Nico over.
Walking two blocks takes Nico much longer than it normally would, even with a bruised hip. That’s probably why Karolina is already standing under a streetlight, waiting for her. It’s only the fact that Nico is fatigued down to a cellular level that keeps her from panicking and trying to run the moment she spots Karolina.
When Karolina spots her...there’s a fraction of a second where her shoulders hunch and her mouth turns down and her eyes dim. Then she puts on a smile and waves at Nico. Nico limps towards her, feeling her defenses crumble with every step. She wonders if Karolina has anyone in her life at the moment who can read how upset she is right now, who understands how fake her smile is. Nico wonders if Karolina has someone in her life who knows how to make her smile for real.
Nico is just enough of a selfish fucking mess to wish that Karolina doesn’t have someone like that. But she still loves Karolina enough to hope that she finds someone who can love her better than Nico ever could, too.
Even if Nico still loves Karolina with everything she has.
Which she does. Which is why she swore to herself that she would never, ever do something like this to her. Karolina deserves so much better.
She looks tired, but healthy. And so beautiful Nico can feel her ribs spread to accommodate her swelling heart. Nico wonders how she’s managed to get by for a year without Karolina. She knows that it’s going to be easy to walk away again after tonight, in the sense that Karolina won’t want her around anymore. It’s going to be impossible, too, Nico thinks, because she’s so suddenly, pathetically aware that all she’s done for the last year is get by. She hasn’t been living. She hasn’t felt so alive at any point as she does now, coming to a stop in front of Karolina, breathing in her first lungful of Karolina-scented air in a year.
“...hey,” Nico croaks.
“Nico.” Karolina shakes her head. “I’m guessing Gert didn’t tell you I’d be here? She certainly didn’t tell me it was you who needed help.”
“Gert played us both.” Nico swallows. “I’m...sorry to--”
Karolina folds her arms. “How bad is it this time?”
“What?” Nico can’t help but flinch. “It’s not like that, I just--”
“Nico, don’t. Just...please tell me how bad it is.”
And the thing is, it’s exactly like that. Nico chose her relationship with magic over her relationship with her girlfriend, in spite of the fact that they both knew one of them was bad for her and the other was the only good thing she had. And now that magic has fucked Nico’s head up yet again, and she’s come crawling to Karolina for help. Nico’s stomach churns and she mentally curses Gert.
Because that’s exactly what this is. And Karolina knows it.
“I…” Nico sighs. She’d forgotten how hard it is to keep her walls up around Karolina. Especially when Karolina’s mad or upset, because Nico can’t stand it when Karolina is anything other than happy. “I haven’t slept in twelve days.”
Karolina’s eyes widen. “At all?”
Nico shakes her head.
“Are you eating?”
“Yes!”
Karolina raises her eyebrows.
“...when I remember.”
“Drinking?”
“I...shit. I tried a bottle of vodka. Didn’t work. I’ve tried over the counter pills. Same. I’ve tried meditating and herbal remedies and prayer and...I can’t sleep. I can't sleep, Karolina.”
“Why…” Nico braces herself, because she’s pretty sure there is no question she can adequately answer that begins with that word. But Karolina seems to think better than to ask. She looks away. Her folded arms look less like a barrier now than evidence that her only available source of comfort is to hug herself. “Why don’t you come with me?”
Karolina’s voice is low and unbearably kind.
“Okay.” Nico swallows. Her voice is small. She feels smaller still. “Thanks.”
It isn’t exactly a shock to find that Karolina moved out of the apartment they once shared, not after what happened. It still hurts, somehow, even though Nico knows she has no right to feel hurt by anything that Karolina does with her life now.
Karolina lives only one flight up, which is a relief because it feels like a fluid denser than blood is flowing through Nico’s veins, weighing down her legs. Her hip twinges with every step, too, and she wonders if she’s done more than bruise her flesh. She hopes she hasn’t done any deeper damage than that to herself. She hopes she can get through the rest of the night without causing her friends any deeper damage than she already has.
Karolina unlocks her apartment, turns and backs into it. Nico is confused, until Karolina stops and holds out her hand. “First rule: no staff. Give it to me.”
Nico blinks. She’s barely put her staff down since she struck out on her own. Even when she’s had to shrink it down and conceal it, she’s kept it close. The idea of giving it up, just like that…
“If you can’t let it go, you can’t come inside.”
Karolina’s face is stern, immobile. In the past, when they fought, Karolina was almost always the one to come to Nico and try to make things up, even when Nico had started it. But Nico knows the look in her eye. She knows that Karolina is serious.
Nico nods. She leans on the staff while she fumbles off her boots, one by one. Then she shrinks the staff and drops it into Karolina’s waiting hand. Karolina doesn’t smile, but her expression softens and her shoulders ease down.
“Come in, Nico.” She steps aside, holding open the door. “The lounge is at the end of the hall.”
Nico nods again. She deposits her boots next to a rack of Karolina’s shoes and watches Karolina put her coat and the staff into a cupboard. It’s purely symbolic, of course. The bond between Nico and the staff can’t be defeated by doors or by distance. Or by walls.
Karolina knows that better than anyone.
Still, setting it down even briefly feels...like breathing just got easier. Nico nods at Karolina, then she turns and plods along the carpeted hall, her feet sinking into a pile so deep it almost feels like she’s wading. Things get a little hazy after that, until she finds herself slouched on Karolina’s sofa in Karolina’s bright, cosy lounge, with Karolina standing over her, offering her a steaming mug.
Nico takes it with both hands, wincing as the heat begins to cook her palms. She inhales, and frowns. “Irish coffee? Do you really think--”
“It’s decaf.” Karolina goes to a kitchenette in the corner and returns with her own mug. She lowers herself gracefully into an armchair which is perpendicular to the sofa and stares at Nico with her impossibly blue eyes. “You look terrible.”
Blunter than she’d expect from Karolina, but Nico really shouldn’t expect anything after breaking up with her and breaking off all contact for a year. “If it helps, I feel worse.”
“That does not help,” Karolina snaps. She shakes her head and takes a swallow of her drink. In a level voice she says, “Do you really think I want you to be anything other than happy and healthy?”
Nico closes her eyes. “No,” she says hoarsely. “Of course you don’t. Even if I deserve it, you wouldn’t want it.”
“I don’t want you thinking you deserve...whatever’s happening to you, either. You don’t.” Nico opens her eyes, almost regretting it when she finds Karolina looking at her. She looks sad, but she puts on a smile for Nico. “You do kinda need a shower, though.”
“Oh.” She’s been washing out of a basin in the old hardware store’s staff toilet. Not as often as she should in the last week, it seems. Nico takes a gulp of her drink, wrinkling her mouth at the taste. The burn in her throat isn’t pleasant but the warmth that spreads in her gut feels nice. “Yeah. Sorry. I’ve been...things have been kind of hazy. You know?”
Karolina nods slowly. “I remember how you could get, when you’d pushed too hard against your limits.” Nico winces, because how could either of them ever forget? “Look...drink up. Then get a shower. I’ll order some food and we’ll take things from there, okay?”
“Okay,” Nico whispers, bitterly aware of how little she deserves the least crumb of Karolina’s goodness. “I’d say you’re being really kind, but you’ve never been anything other than, have you?”
Karolina looks down into her mug. Almost imperceptibly, she shakes her head. She drains her coffee before she looks at Nico again and then she only says, “Is pizza okay? For dinner?”
Nico wants to scream. Instead, she finishes her drink and says, “Sounds good.”
Karolina gets her a fresh towel and takes her to the bathroom where she produces a new toothbrush from a cabinet. Nico is still far from her best but she’s alert enough to notice things. Things like, of all the photos around Karolina’s small apartment, none contain anyone Nico doesn’t recognise. Nico can’t help but notice that there aren’t any of her up, though. But she also can’t help but notice that there’s only one used toothbrush in a cup on the washbasin in the bathroom. And when she takes a quick inventory of the product sitting on almost every flat surface in the room, she realises that they’re all Karolina’s preferred brands.
It seems like Karolina hasn’t found someone new. At least, not someone she’s willing to live with yet. But the photo thing...well, it seems like she’s at least been trying to let Nico go. It’s what Nico wanted her to do, when she decided that she needed to take herself and the staff away from anyone she might accidentally hurt with it. Seeing the first real signs that Karolina doesn’t want reminders of Nico around still cuts through Nico’s weariness and opens wounds she’d thought long closed.
She has no right to ask Karolina questions about her love life, though. Instead, Nico gestures at her frayed hoodie and jeans--that have passed through stylishly distressed to become obviously distraught--and asks, "Have you got anything I could change into?"
Karolina looks at her for a moment. Nico wonders what she sees. What Nico sees is Karolina: a year older, a little more tired, a little more sad, somehow still impossibly beautiful and warm. Nico's possessed by a sudden urge to see Karolina's skin light up, the desire to ask her to glow slipping past her defences and all the way to her tongue before Nico can catch it and trap it behind her teeth.
It would be beyond fucked up to ask for that. This night is going to be bad enough without Nico making everything a thousand times worse.
Whatever Karolina sees when she looks at Nico, it must satisfy her. The corner of her mouth turns up. "Let me show you what I've got."
Karolina leads her back into the hall, past a closed door she waves at and mentions is her study. Past that is Karolina's bedroom, which she silently invites Nico into. Nico hesitates in the doorway, because she needs Karolina to know that Nico doesn't take access to Karolina's private space for granted.
"Here," Karolina says, indicating a pine dresser in one corner. "Try the bottom two drawers."
Nico nods and goes directly to the dresser. She isn't going to gawk at whatever Karolina has on her walls, not in here. She crouches down, tugs open the upper drawer and suddenly she can't move or breathe, because she's looking at black tanktops, black leggings, black sweats.
"I, ah, kept your things," Karolina says softly. "The clothes you left, some of your jewellery, makeup."
Nico stares at her. "They smell...do you launder these?"
Karolina blushes. "Yeah. You know, just in case."
Nico has to turn away, has to yank some clothes out of the drawer through eyes gone blurry. She desperately tries to choke back a sob.
"I'll go order for us," Karolina says quickly.
A moment later, Nico is alone. She manages to hold back the full crying jag until she's safely locked in Karolina's bathroom, hugging a pile of clothes she'd thought long gone, breathing in the same smell Karolina wears next to her skin.
Her first hot shower in a month, clean clothes, and several slices of pizza have Nico feeling more human, if not exactly less tired. Nico takes the couch again, the place she assumes she'll be spending the night, and Karolina takes the armchair. She moved it, though, while Nico was in the shower. Now she's sitting directly opposite Nico, in front of the blank, silent TV.
Karolina is quiet throughout their meal, but Nico knows she's not going to get through the night without some kind of conversation. The first question comes after Karolina has cleared the dishes and put the leftovers in the fridge, then rejoined Nico with a glass of water for each of them.
Turns out, one question is all it takes.
"So...what happened, Nico?"
Nico sighs. She tucks her legs under her body and gives Karolina a weary smile. "Satellite. A piece of it fell out of the sky, right over the city."
"Huh." Karolina wrinkles her nose. "There's so much junk up there, it's unbelievable. Satellites and pieces of rockets and lost tools and...just all this crap. They say something falls to earth almost every week. Usually it lands in the ocean, or somewhere remote. I'm guessing this one didn't."
"It hit an apartment building," Nico says, her head throbbing as she dredges up memories of something that hasn't happened anymore. "It hit like a fucking cruise missile, levelled the whole thing. I don't even know how many people died."
"That's awful!" Karolina purses her lips. "But...that wasn't in the news..."
"No. It happened. But it didn't stay happened. Because I--"
"Because you happened," Karolina says, smiling slightly. "Because you found the right words to say."
Nico shivers. Karolina's voice, when it's that low and husky, when it's full of fondness like it is right now...Nico desperately tries to think about anything other than how beautiful Karolina is and much she's missed her. "I, uh, I was already wiped. I'd been...ugh, doesn't matter. But I was at my limit. If I'd been awake enough to think clearly, I don't think I'd have tried it."
"Tried...what?"
"Time loop." Nico chugs some water. "Ah, I looped from the moment I arrived at the building to about thirty seconds before the satellite hit. I'm not even sure what I said to do that. And I..." Nico sags. With anyone else, she'd lie or keep back the worst of it. But not with Karolina. "I got stuck."
"What?" Karolina gets up, walks around the coffee table and sits on the sofa, facing Nico. She leaves clear space between them, but she feels closer now than she has all night. "What do you mean?"
"I couldn't break out of the loop. Couldn't end it until I'd dealt with the satellite, and...it was falling so fast, and I tried so many things and I fucked it up so many times and I thought...shit. Shit." Turns out Nico didn't get all of her tears out in the shower. "I thought I was going to die. I was so drained. I'd never used that much magic before. And I couldn't do anything but throw more spells at that fucking satellite. And it seemed like nothing was going to work. And then...then I began to think I was dead, and that this was my punishment. Watching that building burn so many times. I--"
And suddenly Karolina is holding her. Karolina is holding her, and Nico finally lets herself fall all the way apart, knowing that Karolina will hold all the pieces of her in place until Nico can figure out how to put herself back together.
"You did it," Karolina whispers, stroking Nico's hair. "You got out of the loop and you saved all those lives. You are so brave, Nico. So strong. And I know you feel so much more than you like to show. It must have hurt so much, thinking you were failing people in need. But you didn't fail. You didn't fail them." Karolina cradles her head, runs her hand through Nico's still damp hair. She takes a deep breath. "You hear me? You saved them. You're safe now. You're with me and you're safe."
"But...you're n-not safe. With m-me." Nico gasps, fighting to fit words into whatever space the tears will allow. "I r-really suh-screwed it all up, d-didn't I? I'm so...I'm so sorry."
Karolina stiffens for a moment, but her arms remain gentle around Nico. She sighs and kisses the top of Nico's head. "I forgave you already. I forgave you a long time ago."
"H-how?" Nico chokes, remembering another night of fire and rubble. "I almost k-killed you! I'm supposed to help people, but I'm nothing without the staff. And with it, I hurt you. How could you ever for--"
"Shh." Karolina rubs soothing circles into Nico's back. "You had a nightmare. It wasn't your fault."
It was entirely Nico's fault. She'd pushed herself too hard on a mission that had taken her out of the city, away from Karolina and the rest. She hadn't slept for two days, hadn't been able to sleep until she'd come home, locked the staff away, and crawled into bed beside Karolina.
She'd slept. And then she'd had a nightmare, a nightmare in which everything that had ever tried to hurt her came for her all at once. She'd still been asleep when she'd summoned the staff, when it tore through the cabinet and two walls to get to her. She'd still been asleep when she set their bedroom on fire, with Karolina on the wrong side of the protective field she'd thrown up.
Nico had slept through almost killing the woman she loved more than anyone else in the world.
She hasn't let herself get this close to Karolina since. She hasn't slept a whole night through since.
"Okay. Okay, Nico, you need to hear me." Karolina eases back a little, without letting Nico go entirely. She meets Nico's eye, her expression stern. "You had a nightmare. You had been using the staff too much and it was in your head and you had a nightmare. It was an accident. This is the second rule: stop blaming yourself for things outside your control."
"But--"
"Who do you think contained the fires and put them out? Who do you think got you to wake up and drop the staff?" Karolina rolls her eyes, but the corner of her mouth turns up. "Did you forget I have powers, too? I woke up the second I heard the cabinet break! I was ready to defend both of us by the time you had the staff. I didn't even get my hair singed!" Karolina sighs. She rests her forehead against Nico's. "You'd have to actually try if you wanted to physically hurt me. And I know you'd never do that. I never once blamed you for what happened that night. You did nothing, that night, that requires anyone's forgiveness but yours."
"I..." Nico shudders. "That night?"
"Yeah." Karolina inclines her head a fraction of an inch, pressing her skin tighter to Nico's. "The next day is when you hurt me, Nico. You shut me out and you ran away. That's hurt every day since."
And suddenly Nico remembers that long before she had a bond with the staff, she had a bond with Karolina, a bond that no walls, doors, distance or power could ever sever. It's only Nico who could do that, and somehow...somehow, in spite of fucking it up, she's here again and Nico knows that she's damaged their bond, but she hasn't broken it.
"I've been hurting, too," Nico whispers. "I was just too stupid to admit how much. Goddess, I've missed you!"
Karolina laughs, her breath blowing soft across Nico's cheek. "I've been here the whole time. I get why you thought you had to run. I forgive you for being that dumb. I've just been waiting for you to figure out that you wanted to come back."
"Me figuring out what's best for me?" Nico snorts. "No one should have to wait that long for anything."
"Still being too hard on yourself." Karolina pats her back and lets go. "But making a joke is progress! We've...got a ways to go though, Nico. You know?"
"Yeah," Nico says quickly, wiping at her eyes. "Yeah, I know."
"Okay. But...the thing is, I really don't need a study. I'm barely ever in there. It wouldn't take much effort to turn it into another bedroom."
"What?"
Karolina shrugs, like inviting Nico back into her life, into her home is no big deal. "When we ran away from our parents, we didn't know if we'd ever have a home to go back to. I didn't want you to ever feel that way again. So...you can move in whenever you want."
Karolina's hair is falling out of a messy braid, her eyes are tired a little bloodshot--and still they're so blue--and not kissing her is the hardest thing Nico has ever done. Because she's so kind, and so good, and so beautiful in every conceivable sense and the full scale of Nico's stupidity only really hits her now that she's back where she always could have been.
She's still not stupid enough to do more than sway in place and make no more effort than that to touch Karolina. Because Nico did hurt her, and because Nico does have work to do before she's ready to be what Karolina deserves.
Stupid or not, Nico can't not say one thing. "I love you. It's...always you. I'm not trying to pretend the last year wasn't awful or all my fault, or...but, I just, I really love you."
She stares down at her fidgeting hands until Karolina clasps both of hers around Nico's. "I get it. And I love you, too."
"You're so much better at it than I am," Nico whispers, staring at Karolina's soft, warm hands.
"Bullshit." Karolina lifts Nico's hands up and kisses the tips of her fingers. "That's the best meal I've eaten in a year. Because everything in my life is better when you're near. That's how loved you make me feel."
"Whoah." Nico tries on a smile to see if fits. "That was cheesier than the pizza."
"Excuse me?" Karolina's jaw drops and she gasps. But her eyes are full of light and the corners of her mouth twitch. "That was sweet! Well, now I'm horribly offended. You're going to have to deal with the dishes in the morning, if you want to make it up to me."
Nico chuckles. "Maybe I should try another time loop, take it all back."
"Maybe take a break from magic for a few days?" Karolina's smile fades. She gently rubs Nico's hands. "You don't need to take it back. Just...focus on moving forward. Okay?"
"I...yeah." Nico bows her head. "I'm not sure who I am without the staff. But you're right. I need a break. I need to figure myself out before I can..." She removes her hands from Karolina's, placing them on Karolina's wrists. "Before I can move forward. With you. If you want that?"
Karolina sighs. “All this time and you still don’t see it.”
“See...what?” Nico looks up at her.
“You don’t need magic to change reality. Changing reality for each other is what people do. Every single day.” Karolina leans in, pressing a brief, soft kiss to Nico’s brow. “I choose for your reality not to be lonely tonight. You have people who’d choose that for you every day and every night, if only you’d let us.” She smiles at Nico. “You make me less lonely by being here. I meant it when I said you make everything in my life better. Everything. That's your power, Nico, and it doesn't come from a staff. It's who you are. It's all you."
Nico can feel her eyes filling up again. "You are such a ridiculously amazing person..."
"Yep." Karolina grins, just a brief flash of gleaming white teeth before her expression softens. "But we can talk about how amazing I am later. You need sleep. I'm tired, too. Come to bed?"
"Oh! Uh..." And now Nico is blushing, because that's apparently Karolina's power, to make Nico blush whenever she feels like it. "I thought I'd...couch?"
"We both know we sleep better when we're together." Karolina stands up and offers Nico her hand. "It's just so you can get some rest. We'll figure everything else out when you're less of a zombie."
"Oh. O-okay."
Nico accepts Karolina's hand, more so she can touch her again than for the support. Nico feels stronger for the food and for the tears and for the love she hopes one day she'll be good enough to deserve but which she's more than selfish enough to want now.
Karolina leads her to the bathroom, holding her hand through the twenty or so steps it takes. They share the mirror while they clean their teeth, Karolina's arm rubbing against Nico's shoulder, her body radiating heat that Nico gratefully soaks up. She'd almost forgotten that the act of sharing space like this for such a mundane reason could be such a potent way of saying 'I love you.'
Nico hopes it's going to be long time before she forgets it again.
When they get to the bedroom, Karolina just crawls into bed, switches on a lamp, and looks back at her expectantly. It's a very good thing that Nico is as exhausted as she is, because seeing Karolina in bed, her hair loose and falling over her face, her lips slightly parted, her eyes so blue and so warm and so full of love...well, even exhausted, Nico needs every second that it takes to switch off the overhead light and walk slowly to the bed to remind herself that this is about sleep and nothing more.
She climbs into bed, keeping a distance between herself and Karolina that isn't wary but shy. Karolina clicks off the lamp and in the darkness, Nico freezes. She feels weirdly exposed, like every move she makes will scream her desire to get closer to Karolina, to hold her, breathe her in, to try to give back at least some of the warmth and comfort Karolina always provides.
"Are you really going to pretend this'll work with you all the way over there?" Karolina's voice is amused, which somehow makes things easier.
"Shut up! I'm trying not to make any assumptions. I'm trying not to screw--"
"You're only going to screw this up if you don't get over here," Karolina says, laughing softly. "I've missed my little big spoon."
And there's Nico's blush again. "It never felt right the other way!"
"I know! I know." Karolina's hand finds Nico's. She tugs, and Nico gives up pretending she wants anything other than to do what she does: press herself tightly into Karolina's back and wrap her arm around Karolina's waist. Karolina keeps hold of her hand, squeezing it gently. "I've missed you, too. I've missed this. I always feel safer in your arms. Always. You hear me?"
"Yeah." Nico buries her face in Karolina's shoulder. "I'm trying not to cry again, though, so..."
Karolina chuckles. The sound of her voice is already thicker, sleep drawing closer for her. "Hey. Sorry, I should've asked. Did you want a light left on?"
Nico doesn't trust herself to speak, not when Karolina's being so good. Not when she's being so Karolina. Nico just nods into her shoulder, because, yeah, she's had enough darkness for a while and maybe a little light will keep the nightmares at bay. So Nico loosens her grip, but Karolina doesn't reach for the lamp. She doesn't move at all. She just begins to glow, her skin lighting up in rainbow pastel shades.
Nico stops breathing for a second, because her brain needs all of its capacity to try to comprehend the wonder that is Karolina Dean. "Goddess, I love you," Nico whispers, when she finds air enough to make words.
"Go to sleep, Nico. Sweet dreams only. You've earned them."
Nico doesn't want to close her eyes, not when Karolina is awash in light, but she blinks, and then her eyelids get so heavy that it isn't a blink anymore, and she loses the struggle to open them again, falling away into sleep at last.
Her dreams are sweet: they all contain Karolina. And when she wakes up to an otherwise empty bed eighteen hours later, and summons the strength to drag herself out of it, Nico sets about making her dreams her reality again.