Work Text:
Lovely
*warning: suicide!*
A never ending cycle of darkness. Never a spark or a light. Kirishima has never felt completely accepted. It all started when the bullies called him stupid, naïve, plain. It worsened until he didn't need the bullies to call him names. He was doing it himself. He now covers up his sadness and self hatred with a cheerful facade. All he can do is hope that one day someone will show him the way out.
Thought I found a way...
When his friends included him in every hangout, and he started to get recognized by the public for his performance in the sports festival, he began to feel better. A little more accepted. Like maybe the world wasn't against him all the time.
Thought I found a way out...
A bit of color and sound began to seep back into his world. The bright pink of Mina's hair, the violent light of Bakugou's explosions. He started to enjoy life, the monotonous tone of his existence taking on a little melody. He even screwed up the courage to ask Bakugou out. The rejection that Kirishima had expected never came. What did happen was a furiously blushing reciprocation.
But you never go away...
But his depression wasn't going to release its hold so easily. It clung on, working harder to poison his mind as much as it could. It sunk its fangs in like a python determined to kill its prey. Mina's hair faded away, and even Present Mic's loud voice became white noise and took a backseat to the mantra of self loathing.
So I guess I gotta stay now....
He leaned against his headboard, tilting his head to look up at the ceiling. He watched the fan spin, sinking deeper and deeper into his own thoughts. Depression is similar to drowning except for one thing. When you're drowning, you swim up. You want to reach the surface. But with depression, you just keep going down. The unknown depths are more appealing than the sunlight. Maybe the darkness is kinder.
Oh, I hope someday I'll make it out of here...
The one thing that gave him hope, kept him trying was Bakugou. The least likely person he'd have expected to help was making everything somewhat tolerable. Kirishima had contemplated suicide many times, but he'd never really tried. Why? Because his connection to his boyfriend was growing stronger. A buoy, then a life boat, now a lifeline. He could help. It was all Kirishima could do to keep afloat just a little longer. Rescue was coming, sooner or later.
Even if it takes all night, or a hundred years...
Kirishima had been sitting there for hours when he heard it. The soft strumming of a guitar. It played a haunting melody, one of sorrow and hope and everything in between. He slowly roused himself from his bed and forced his legs to carry him to his door. He poked his head out, recognizing the room the music came from as Bakugou's. He inched the door open. "Eijirou? What are you doing?" Bakugou hastily put down his guitar. Kirishima sat down next to Bakugou in the couch, his head hanging down. Bakugou's face softened with concern. "You'll tell me if you need me.. right?" Kirishima slowly lay down on his side on the couch without answering, his head next to Bakugou's leg. Though Kirishima couldn't see it, Bakugou's hand was hovering above his head as he debated his options. He slowly started stroking Kirishima's hair. Kirishima drifted off to sleep, and for once, the monsters left him alone.
Need a place to hide, but I can't find one near...
The next night he wasn't as lucky. He was forced to watch his friends be shot and whipped, then tormented mentally because of him. He was the hand that held the gun in the end. He woke up several times, unable to tell the difference between dream and reality. The only constant was the despair. He thrashed, screaming and sobbing. He curled up into a ball, but he couldn't protect himself. He was completely vulnerable behind the veil of sleep. He couldn't hear Bakugou trying to force his way through his dorm room door to try and get to him.
Wanna feel alive, outside I can fight my fear...
He tried to wake up, break the monotony of his days with something, anything. But he was helpless on his own. He needed a reprieve, if only for a bit. After all, if there's a fire you're trying to douse you can't put it out from inside the house. Once he had a hope, he stood a chance.
Isn't it lovely.. all alone?
One day, Monoma walked in on him crying in an empty classroom at lunch. "Well, well, well. Look who it is. A crybaby! I thought that Class 1 A was the best! But it wooks wike they have a wittle baby!" He cackled, waiting for Kirishima's reaction. There was none, Kirishima just sat with his head on his arms, sniffling. Monoma walked out saying, "Too pussy to answer? Ha! No one needs a crybaby, anyways!" Over his shoulder.
Heart made of glass, my mind of stone...
His emotions were suspended by a thread. The slightest thing could trigger a bout of anxiety and bring on a wave of self conviction. The smallest insult could shatter his precarious mask. His mind was unwilling to accept happiness, and the only feeling that filtered through was sadness.
Tear me to pieces.. skin and bone... hello, welcome home...
One day, Kirishima was driven over the edge. A taunt from Monoma, Mina ignoring him, Bakugou leaving him on read. While most of these things were not intentional, Kirishima didn't understand that. He just couldn't deal with it anymore. His self esteem was through the ground. His will to survive? Nonexistent. Any armor he'd had against depression was long gone and he was slowly torn to pieces. He wrote a couple last letters. One to his parents.. One to the Bakusquad... One for Aizawa and the rest of the class... The last went to Bakugou. They all started with apologies. The middle consisted of whatever related to the recipients. The end was a message to keep going. "Don't dwell on me. Move on. I'm unimportant. This is really not manly, running away like this. But I'm slowly being crushed, so I guess this is goodbye." Specially for Bakugou he included something else.
-----------------------------------
He glanced over the construction site. It was high up, and the ground was mostly clear. He sat on the balcony. He was so wrapped in his thoughts that he didn't notice Uraraka sprinting up the stairs behind him, or Deku in the next door building, One for All crackling around him. He stood up, taking a shaky breath. He lifted his arms, pulling a Reichenbach. He dropped forward. Uraraka's fingers missed by an inch. Deku blazed by just above him. He closed his eyes, living his last moments, trying to will himself not to use his quirk. He hit the ground, breathing his last few breaths as Deku and Uraraka sprinted over to him. But Bakugou reached him before they did. "You idiot! How could you?! You can't leave me like this!" Kirishima smiled, his vision tunneling. "Don't worry, Bakugou, I'm going home. There won't be any more demons haunting you.." "But you were never a demon to me.." He leaned close to Kirishima, whispering in his ear, then softly kissing him. "I love you.." "i.. lo-..ve.. you.. too.." As Bakugou leaned over Kirishima's body, a paper fell out of his pocket, the note stained with blood and tears.
--I'm sorry I was too weak to handle it..
I love you, ok?
-Eijirou Kirishima--
To those who couldn't reach the light, and instead swam deeper..