Work Text:
TEXT
Carl:
What did you do to Mindy? Gwen couldn’t contact her.
Reese, what happened to the dinner last night?
Reese, are you ok?
Reese, what has Mindy done to you?
You still alive, buddy?
PHONE
Gwen: I have been calling you the whole night. Why weren’t you answering?
Mindy: I just got back in my apartment. I spent the night at Reese’s.
G: What?
M: Yeah, like I love his penthouse apartment. It’s so huge and classy, Gwen. I feel every bit like an 18 year old gold digger right now. Or the crazy wife in Dream Lover, you know I hate that movie coz it’s so sad, but I’ll rewatch in again, just to get some pointers, coz I’m so delirious in needing to snag this guy. Like, I have to marry him and get his apartment and his chauffeur.
G: You spent the night with him? That is pretty fast. Like, have you seen the latest statistics on first date rape-murder?
M: Of course, I did. But, you and Carl know him, so that kind of makes him unfit for the first-date serial murderer-rapist profile.
G: Well, okay. So did you… you know… how is he? He strikes me as some sort of male dominatrix.
M: Gosh, I hope I already know, but nothing happened, like only second base. But it’s so cute, coz we did the whole Ryan Gosling-Emma Stone sleep over thing in Crazy, Stupid, Love… only there was no talking because he was so knocked out from the party.
G: Drunk?
M: Tired. He had some sort of close door meeting after dinner. With big shot corporate lawyers that make Josh look like a pathetic kindergarten loser.
G: That reminds me of Josh, have you actually already broken up with him?
M: Well he called, begging me to forgive him and telling me he couldn’t hook up with other hot girls in a club coz he was thinking of me. Good thing I was already at the party and I’ve seen the light and I will never enter sleazy bars that losers like Josh frequent. Josh is a jerk and he’s not even half, or a tenth as rich and cool and powerful as Reese, so I am never settling with someone like him ever again.
G: Yeah, but Josh is like more... I don’t know… accessible?
M: Are you telling me Reese is too good for me? I’m a doctor Gwen, and I’m smart and sooo hot and I know a lot about TV and shows, and I can give so much advice to Reese on how his cable channel can beat HBO, like he should stop showing news and just produce more shows like Entourage and Girls. Like what are you talking about?
G: Hey, I would never think of that about you. It’s just that Reese is a very busy guy and got a large chip on his shoulder. I mean, I think his company is in trouble with the government because of a story they ran. And, you know, he may not just have time for you.
M: Well, he is apparently making a lot of time for me. He even dropped me off to my apartment this morning… with a driver, Gwen. He is so sweet. He wanted to see where I live so he knows quote-unquote, where to pick me up again. Wow, right?
G: Woah, like he never has anytime.
M: Yeah. I feel like a delicate little princess right now.
G: So, let us backtrack a little, he just brought you home last night and then slept on you.
M: Uh uh, but its okay. Coz now we are even. Coz I also slept on him after he picked me up from Saks. I had to explain to him that I have to sleep my intoxication off so I could be sober at the dinner, but I had to find a long dress for the dinner the whole afternoon, so I couldn’t. He was totally cool with it. So when he started snoring at me last night mid-make out session, I was just cool with that too.
G: Mid make-out? What in between getting your bra off?
M: Nope, he wouldn’t have even blinked if we got that far… but no, I am not telling you how far we went. But that was fine, coz I got to do the most exciting thing when you first get into someone’s house: inspecting their medicine cabinets. Although I was disappointed coz I found no drugs, not even anti-depressants, which should have been a staple considering his very stressful job. I found dandruff shampoo in his shower though.
G: Ewww, I guess it’s his flakes I saw in Carl’s study last night.
M: Ewww. I think he also got some on my dress.
G: Gross.
M: And he has a wash cloth, which is disgusting.
G: What?
M: If I just wasn’t completely turned on with him last night, I would have ran out. But he is so cool. He is totally less than seven inches taller than me, but he was like the biggest guy at dinner last night, athough the biggest person was definitely his mom. Still, he was the shortest guy there, but he was the big boss, and I was just so so hot for him, especially when he made his motivational speech after dinner.
G: Uhm, so you met his mom?
M: I did. And she is a total bitch, she’s a total snob.
G: Oh, I’m so sorry Mindy.
M: Now I am making it my life mission to open her eyes to the beauty that is Colin Firth. She couldn’t shut up about Daniel Craig and she told me she will definitely be taking me to a Christmas party he is hosting, which got me totally buzzing coz I thought there would be other celebrities in there, but it turns out there wouldn’t be coz its just a private event for one of her friends. And how can I enjoy Daniel Craig when Leona totally dissed Colin Firth because of him. If she gives me premiere tickets though, that would be a different story.
G: You got her to talk about movie actors? She’s like super scary.
M: Well she started it. Didn’t know she was Reese’s mom yet, but she was in the powder room giggling with Becca, who is a crazy hot corporate lawyer, about a twitpic of a shirtless James Bond. They were saying that he is the hottest Brit ever, so I politely corrected them, but then I couldn’t find any acceptable shirtless Colin Firth picture, so they completely overpowered me. It’s so hard to prove a point without visual aid. You and Alex should have been with me.
G: So you are like, totally cool with each other?
M: I think so. We even came up with an act. She told me that we should pull a mother in law-daughter in law feud just to get things more exciting. Can you believe she never saw Monster-in-Law? Which reminds me, I should DM her my password and username account at Netflix so she could watch that movie and get a firm grip on how we should act around each other.
G: She wants you to act like you hate each other? Like in front of Reese?
M: I know. Just between you and me, I think Leona was high last night. Maybe not just between you and me, coz I think the whole party knew she was high but since she is boss, everyone just tolerates her, which is like so cool in the movies, but unhealthy in real life. Oh, rich people and their fetishes. I think they have it too easy, they want to create fake fights and all. Woah! I got this wonderful idea, we should make a TV show, the Real Mother-Daughter-in-Law of New York. That would totally be hit and propel ACN into a ratings winner. I should totally pitch that to Reese. Why have you not introduced us earlier? Like we could already be married now, and I could already be running a cable network that is so much more successful than Oprah. All those lost years on being a resident slave… This is your entire fault.
G: Hey, don’t get too ahead of yourself. And you have probably met him before at my wedding.
M: Which one was him?
Riley: Mommy, will I be going to school?
G: Oh, gosh, of course Riley. Mindy I have to go.
M: What did he look like at the wedding?
G: Just check the pictures. Got to go. Love you.
M: Love you too.
TEXT
Carl:
Oh, Gwen talked to Mindy. Seems like you didn’t kill each other after all.
Hey, you traumatized, bud?
Reese:
Just got off the treadmill Carl. Don’t be paranoid. Things went well last night. I thought my newspeople talk fast until Mindy got on her celebrity gossip generator machine mode. I think I’ll take her out again. P. S. Mom was aghast.