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Lonely.
What a vague, borderless concept it was to Kokoro.
It could mean sitting by yourself at the park, waiting for your friends to come for your meeting. It could mean spinning on a swivel chair when no one is around. It could mean losing yourself in the sounds of music, earbuds plugged in your ears and mind lost in the melody.
The word itself has synonyms that all mean different things, despite how similar they may seem. Isolated was considered lonely, if you’re in such a big, rich mansion that many envied with people in suits hiding in shadows of your house, listening to your commands but never there at the same time. The house did not feel like home; it was lonely. Solitary was considered lonely, if you sat inside of the Astronomy club room all by yourself, swinging your legs and staring at constellations. There was no one else in there with you; it was lonely. Deserted was on the top of your school roof, still gazing at the sky and wishing that something good would happen, finally. No one would ever be with you; it was lonely. Abandoned was in the middle of a crowded party that your parents threw with a bunch of rich, fancy associates who conversed with you but didn’t really care and just wanted a bit more money from your family, and no one in that room filled with people resonated with you in any way. There was nobody there who wanted you for you; it was lonely.
All of these events often happened to Kokoro, yet she refused to believe she was lonely . There was someone for her, there was someone! Many people! HaroHapi was there for her, right? And the girls in band at Hanasakigawa, right? Even some people in Haneoka were there for her, right? Right?
Sometimes these questions bored Kokoro but made her sad at the same time.
Once more, sad was another concept that the blonde could not accept. Sad was a feeling that really stung you, more than loneliness could. You could be happy to be lonely, but no matter how hard you tried, you could not be happy being sad. That went against so many of Kokoro’s rules! Happy, lucky, smile, yay, was what she would repeat to herself every day. Being sad was not good. How could you ever enjoy yourself when your heart was weighed down with so much grief and misery? Kokoro could not allow herself to be sad. She absolutely could not. Not just for herself, but for others.
Kokoro herself realized that other people took her for a happy person, a symbol of happiness, even. People looked at her and sometimes smiled, thinking, What a lovely girl. Her smile is so bright. Or, they would be baffled by her antics, but still amused, which quite counted as happy.
So when the vocalist put down her smile, just for a little bit, why did so much pain rush to her?
Lonely.
Kokoro felt lonely, finally, and it was at the rooftop of Hanasakigawa at 22:13, or 10:13 PM. Bright, sparkling stars dazzled at her, some flying through the sky seamlessly, some staying in place but still twinkling softly.
Lonely.
She still did not understand ‘lonely’. Was this feeling right now lonely? The fact that even though she made others smile, she drove people away? Why did no one else in Hanasakigawa join the Astronomy club? Was it her? Was it astronomy that truly confused people? If not, why was it Kokoro? Did people really not care about her, hanging around for the money? Why did her parents keep throwing these pointless parties, asking her to converse with their associates yet gaining nothing valuable in return? Why were people so confused when Kokoro spoke? Was it all her fault?
Standing on cold concrete that was high off the ground, still clad in her school uniform that swept and swayed in the cold breeze, was when Kokoro realized that sometimes, she really was lonely. Not yet had she realized it was okay.
Tears did not well in her eyes. The aching in Kokoro’s heart did not pump faster and bring her doubling over. Nothing happened. Kokoro just pondered, and pondered, waiting for something good to happen again.
Maybe if she got down from that rooftop, she would find another Kanon on the street, lost but filled with opportunities as the blue-haired girl contemplated throwing away her drums forever. Maybe she would encounter another Kaoru, filled with hope and talent and perhaps even a hidden desire to bring smiles to others in another way. Maybe she would talk to another Hagumi, helping out a friend, but filled with wonder and surprises. And maybe, just maybe, would Kokoro find another talking pink bear and a Misaki that was albeit reluctant but joined the band anyway, which filled everyone else with joy.
It seemed Kokoro ran out of opportunities, anyway.
The dark around her felt stressed and heavy, like thunderous rain pouring down yet it never quite touched the skin, and instead of feeling like a fresh, new day would come tomorrow, it felt hopeless. Like that no matter hard things pounded down at you, trying to just help a little bit, you were untouchable. No one could save you. There was no hope for a fresh, new day. Just another one where you smiled again and again without knowing that you needed someone.
Kokoro checked her text messages. She prayed to anyone up in the sky that her parents would at least ask where she was, sending messages that told her to come home safe.
No notifications were received.
Silence passed by and Kokoro surrounded herself in darkness for the first time, wondering what this rush of emotions meant, and why she was now lonely for the first time. So many first times for Kokoro in one day.
It took just a little bit for Kokoro to realize that she was different, and much more different than the whole “everyone is unique” concept. Kokoro was like another species to other people. Others puzzled as to why Kokoro spoke in such abstract words, as if her crayon-scribbled thoughts passed through no filter and jumped out through her mouth. Many were perplexed when Kokoro failed to grasp their logical, reasonable concepts all while jumping back at them with one that was wonderland-ish and absurd. She defied their laws, their ‘normal’ physics for psychology and every-day speaking, and they avoided her because of that.
Kokoro wished someone was like her.
Maybe then she would have someone who truly understood.
Someone who really understood instead of trying to translate her, instead of trying to reform her into another member of society who followed logic and spoke normally instead of hyperactively coming up with new ways to do things. Someone who didn’t try to change her, but instead would stand next to her and resonate with her, their minds and feelings interlocking and wavering at their own pace. Someone who would not attempt to throw Kokoro through a filter so other people could be comfortable.
And perhaps it was fate once more that lended a helping hand, but Kokoro’s phone pinged.
Eagerly, Kokoro reached for the device in her pocket. Okaa-san, Otou-san, are you there for me?
They were not,, which did dampen Kokoro’s spirits a tad, but the person in question skyrocketed Kokoro’s hopes. She struggled to understand why until later.
[ astronohina!! ] ne kokoron im bored are u awakeeeeeeeeee
Hina’s username was ‘bop til u drop’ but Kokoro changed it to her liking in her contacts.
Firing back a response, Kokoro sent:
[ kokoron, thats me!! ] yup yup, i’m awake!
[ astronohina!! ] can we go to haneokas rooftop ? im feelin like an astronomy session
Kokoro beamed. An idea-- as usual, a thought scrawled out in unpolished crayon-- flitted through her brain as quickly as lightning struck metal.
[ kokoron, thats me!! ] hey hina, is it okay if i say some stuff too? like about loneliness? i feel like you would get it!
No filter could stop Kokoro from conveying exactly how she felt in a subtler way.
[ astronohina!! ] yea sure ! i really think ur rurururun w me too yknow
[ kokoron, thats me!! ] okay!! heading over now!!
The blonde, whose spirits had blossomed into something so bright that no amount of darkness could cut through, backflipped off of the rooftop railing and tumbled down to the ground on her feet. Perhaps today would be a good day after all.
-
The two of them learned that it was okay to be sad. They learned that they both were different, but it should not stop them.
They learned they were not alone.