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The look in his eyes holds so much admiration, so much fascination, so much love. And it breaks your fucking heart. It breaks your heart because you want him to look at you that way so badly, it’s consumes you day in and day out. It’s not like you really have any choice in the matter. I mean sure, you could remove yourself from all social interactions that involve Bucky Barnes and the woman he’s fallen so hard for. It’s just so difficult because you would isolate yourself, never coming out of your room, never talking to your teammates, your friends.
You’ve always been a little bit jealous of the red head that occupies so much of Bucky’s headspace. You were attached at the hip before he was recruited to the team. You and Natasha had both been trained to be ruthless, emotionless assassins. It’s so hard for others to read the two of you, but reading other people has become your second nature. You know how Natasha ticks for the most part, and after years of calling her your best friend you know that she is not in love with Bucky Barnes.
It hurts to see him laugh so loudly at her jokes. To see him sending her small little smiles that are only meant for her, ones that you’re sure she doesn’t notice. To watch the way his eyes follow her every move, the way that he always seems to be etching the features of her perfect porcelain skin into his mind so he can hold onto it forever.
You weren’t warm to Bucky when he first arrived at the tower, you mostly kept your distance and it wasn’t because of him. It was because of you. You don’t like getting attached, it makes your job just that much more difficult, but somehow Bucky found a way to work himself into your heart. He was just so brooding and unattainable and beautiful. God, you could probably go one for hours about all the beautiful things that make Bucky Barnes who he is. If only he could do the same for you, but instead he does it for Natasha.
You don’t know when it happened, but suddenly you found yourself falling in love with someone who’s in love with someone else. You want Bucky to be happy, that’s really all you could ever wish for him especially after everything he’s been through, and if Natasha is what does that for him then you would have to grit your teeth and bare it for his sake. The thing is, Natasha doesn’t want him the way he wants her. The way you want him.
There’s a gala tonight, one of Tony’s extravagant parties that he always seems to make a justifiable reason for throwing. In your opinion they’re a little too over the top, not really your scene. You know it’s not Bucky’s either because he’s always getting dragged down there by Steve at the same time you’re getting dragged down by Natasha. That’s why tonight you were more than surprised to see Bucky waltzing over toward you and your red headed friend without your beloved Captain by his side.
He had given you a stellar smile while he walked over in your direction, and you’d totally be lying if you said it didn’t make your heart stutter in your chest. He talked with you both for a while, throwing his head back and letting out a loud laugh at the words you were saying, something he only seems to do for Steve and Natasha. It made your chest swell.
You could’ve sworn you saw Cupid shoot an arrow straight into your heart when Bucky looked up at you, with those sparkling blue eyes, and told he missed you while you had been gone for three weeks on a mission. Not Natasha, who had been at the compound the entire time; you. He had missed you. It caught you a little off guard, but you composed yourself and told him that you had missed him too. Truthfully, he was on your mind the entire time you were gone.
Maybe after all this time spent pining over Bucky, he might’ve noticed you. Sure you guys were good friends, pretty damn close you would say, but maybe he felt a little more for you than that. For some reason you felt a bit of courage bubbling up inside you and right when you were about to ask him if he wanted to dance with you, he turned to the Russian beauty beside you and asked her the same exact thing.
You could feel Nat’s eyes burning into the side of your face for a moment too long. Just like you, she knew how you felt about Bucky. Despite her murky past about playing two sides, she would never intentionally hurt you. Besides, Natasha was stuck in the same situation both you and Bucky were in. The thing is, the man she loved was already married to his loving wife. Natasha has already come to terms with the fact that she had to sit aside while Clint lived a happy life with someone else. She didn’t want that for you.
You could see the hope swimming in Bucky’s baby blues while he waited for her answer, and with a small discrete nod of your head, Natasha accepted. You just wanted him to be happy after all. Or maybe you liked setting yourself up to get your heart broken over and over again. Whatever it was, it might’ve been worth it just to see Bucky’s face light up the way it did.
You wanted to stay and mingle with your teammates, maybe take a few shots with Tony, but the longer you watched Bucky looking at Natasha the way he always did, you decided it was alright to give your heart a break for one night.
That’s how you ended up on the roof alone, an expensive bottle of pink moscato dangling from your fingertips while your twirled around barefoot, listening to the soft sounds of the music coming from the party down below. You took another swing of the fruity wine, letting yourself enjoy the feeling of your body heating up and your limbs becoming numb.
It’s then that you decide that being numb on the roof was much better than being on fire at the party.
You hear the sound of the door to the roof creak open and figure that it’s probably just a couple trying to sneak off somewhere more private, so you ignore it. You just keep drinking and swaying and daydreaming about dancing with the man you love.
“Y/N?” When you hear that voice that’s when you realize maybe it would’ve been better to check and see who was opening the door to the roof.
“Yeah?” Your voice is rough when you speak, gravelly almost. It sort of hurts your chest to talk because just hearing his voice is too much for you right now, especially since you’re bordering on drunk.
“What’re you doing up here all alone?” Bucky’s footsteps seem to keep getting closer and closer, but you can’t bring yourself to look at him just yet. You need to get a hold on your emotions first.
Put on that front that you always do whenever he’s around, Y/N.
“Just wanted to be alone, I guess.” You reply softly, wrapping your arms around your waist.
Suddenly all the warmth inside your body is ebbing away and maybe it wasn’t a good idea to come out on the roof in a dress at midnight in the middle of December.
“So, there’s no specific reason why you left?” Bucky’s next to you now, you can feel the heat of his body against your arm and it kinda feels like you’re suffocating.
“No.” It almost comes out as a whisper because your throat is so tight. You lift the bottle up to your lips and take a big gulp, begging that warmth to come back to you.
“Can I have some?” Bucky’s flesh hand nudges you as he waits for you to give him the bottle.
Who are you to say no to such a beautiful man?
You hand it over silently and focus on the sound of Frank Sinatra floating through the cold winter air. You glance over at Bucky as he bends down to lay his suit jacket on the ground next to your nearly empty bottle of wine.
“Do you wanna dance?” He murmurs. His question had your eyes snapping up to his.
You furrow your brow as you turn towards him. Maybe you’re crazy, but you can almost see something akin to hope dancing in those blue orbs of his. Or maybe you’re just drunk, who knows?
“Yeah.” You mumble, placing your hand in the metal on that’s stretched out and waiting for you.
He smoothly pulls you close, but keeps a gentlemanly amount of distance between the two of you. It reminds you of all those times you danced with Steve, platonically. Your feelings towards Bucky are anything but platonic.
You both sway to the faint sound of the music emanating from the part below you. You try to focus your eyes everywhere except for his face, but you can feel him staring at you. Finally settling your gaze on him, you find his suddenly sad eyes that look a little watery. Your first instinct is to ask if everything’s okay, but you know that if your push Bucky he’ll be quick to recoil and you’ll never get anything out of him. so you wait.
“She’s in love with Clint.” He almost sounds amused. Although, you know that he’s just trying to hide how upset he really is.
“Well, I could’ve told you that.” You scoff, a small, sympathetic smile etched on your face.
“Why didn’t you?” He inquires, his voice cracking a bit.
“Bucky,” You sigh, averting your eyes for a moment with a shake of your head. You look up at him and that sad look would’ve broken your heart if it weren’t already. “I wasn’t going to meddle in your relationship with Natasha. There could’ve been a chance that she liked you, that maybe she was over him, but apparently she isn’t. There’s nothing you can do.”
“You’re her best friend, you knew that she still loved him and you didn’t say anything to me.” He replies sternly, clearly upset with you.
“Exactly, Bucky! She’s my best friend!” Your voice rises a little as you start to feel something similar to rage bubbling up inside of you.
“I thought we were friends too.” He laments, those soft eyes bore into your own and it’s almost too much.
“We are, Buck. We are, but I’m not the person you should be coming to for your girl problems. I just can’t listen to it.” The last part comes out before you can stop yourself. You know that it was a little insensitive, but really who can blame you? Nobody wants the man they love to talk to them about another woman.
“What do you mean you can’t listen to it?” It seems like your words have completely derailed the conversation and now Natasha is on the back burner.
“Nothing, nothing. I just-we, um, we should get inside. It’s pretty cold.” You quickly pull yourself out of Bucky’s warm embrace, but he catches your wrist before you can make your escape.
“Y/N, is there something you’re not telling me?”
You open your mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. The hand Bucky enclosed around your wrist is sending sparks of electricity up your arm and it’s clouding up your mind. You want to tell him, something in your head is saying that you need to. But you can’t. You can’t because the rejection would be too much and your friendship would be in shambles, it would never be the same. If you can’t have Bucky the way you want him, then being friends is the next best thing.
“I-um,” You pause to clear your throat, silently begging your mind to form a coherent sentence, “It’s just that I told Steve I would dance with him and he’s probably looking for me, so I should get back down there.”
Such an unconvincing lie, you think to yourself, but it’s all you could muster up under Bucky’s intense gaze. He slowly let’s go of your wrist and narrows his eyes at you, he knows you’re lying.
You send him a small smile before bending down to grab your heels and the bottle of wine. You press the top of the bottle to your lips, taking the last sip in hopes it’ll calm your nerves. You start to walk back to the door, ready to find Steve and force him to dance with you so it at least looks like you were telling the truth.
“Y/N?” Bucky calls after you, stopping you dead in your tracks. You turn to look at him and he takes that as the initiative to keep going. “You’re not invisible, you know. I see you too, everyone does. And I just-the point is that I don’t want you to feel like I don’t notice you. Because I do. Everyday.”
You’re cheeks burn red and your body is tingling, you don’t know what to say back to him. You want to tell him even more now, you need to tell him every little thing that you adore about him.
You open your mouth to answer, ready to be honest with him for the first time in your life, but he cuts you off.
“I notice the way you listen to everyone and don’t say anything until you know they’re ready to hear it. Or the way you grab onto the person closest to you when you’re laughing way too hard at something no one else thinks is funny. Or the way you chew on your pen when you’re thinking about what to write on a mission report. Or the way you put everyone else above you on the field or just in life in general.” Bucky looks to you, and even though it’s dark you’re sure you can still see the bright blue of his eyes piercing into you with the most sincere gaze.
“I notice you. You’re my friend and I’m here for you. You can tell me anything, alright? You can tell me about your boy problems, I’ll listen. I’m not so good with advice, but I’ll give it a shot for you. I know you don’t want to talk about Nat with me because she’s your best friend and you guys have that weird girl code or whatever. But I like talking to you, because you listen and that’s one of my favorite things about you. You’re a good friend, Y/N.” He finishes venting, sending you a smile that makes your heart throb.
You feel your body deflate, your shoulders sagging. Friend. You repeat it over and over in your head and it hurts just that much more. You don’t let it get to you, though. Not in front of Bucky, you can’t let him see what he does to you. So instead you smile back at him with as much faux happiness as you can find.
“Thank you, Bucky. I really appreciate that.” You reply, your voice sickeningly sweet.
You love him. You love him. You love him. Not as a friend, as something so much more. He says that he notices you, but if he were looking hard enough he would notice the way you look at him.
“Well, don’t keep Steve waiting on my account. Go. Have fun. I’ll be up here if you need me.” He waves you off, turning towards the expanse of rural New York that nestles around the tower.
You’ll always need Bucky. It’ll always be him, every time.
You cast one last longing glance in his direction before making your way back to the party. You’re in a daze as you ask Steve to dance, swaying back and forth with him. You’re in a daze as you leave the party and shed the dress that’s starting to make your skin burn. You’re in a daze as you crawl into bed and stare at the ceiling.
You’re in a daze because you’re so deeply in love and there’s nothing you can do about it. You can’t pick who you love, no matter how hard you try. Bucky Barnes is always going to be the person who makes your heart ache oh, so much.
So that night you dream of him. You dream of the rooftop, dancing with him, and him telling you everything you’ve ever wanted to hear him say.
You can’t have him, even though he has all of you. And that’s okay because you’re friends. You’ll always be his friend, and he’ll always be so much more to you