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You can’t believe you’re here. Had you been raised a lesser person you’d perhaps have considered skipping out on this truly boring event that happened to be very important to your best friend and cousin, John. Perhaps you might even have to be forced to go by your girlfriend Jade. Of course, that’d only apply if you were Dave Strider.
Presently, the cool kid in question is sitting beside you, picking at his filet mignon.
“Harley, this bites, why the fuck are we here?” he mumbles to you.
You push around your noodles. The vegetarian options for these types of events are always so pitiful.
“Shut up, Dave, we’re both here so we both have to endure it. You’re not leaving me.”
“I didn’t say I was, sheesh.”
“But I know you, and I know you were gonna ask me if I wanted to leave.”
He props his chin up with his palm and eyes you over his shades. “Well, now that you mention it….”
“No! John has been looking forward to this day for a while. Following his father’s footsteps. It’s kind of touching. I can relate, and you know, you can too! With your swords and porn puppets.”
“Holy shit I have nothing to do with the smuppets good god if Bro makes me inherit that shit I’m kickin’ him in his grave early.”
“I’m just saying. He’s a total nerd but he’s enjoying himself and we love him. And Rose couldn’t be here so we have to be.”
“He’s not even anywhere near us, he’s too busy blabbering about magic or whatever to all his dad’s lame friends, we could totally slip out.”
You roll your eyes, and it takes every ounce of energy not to comply and get the fuck out. You’re a bit of a nerd yourself, but the National Magicians’ And Pranksters’ Association induction dinner is a bit of a stretch. In terms of hilariously over-the-top unironic nerdness.
You really need to get the hell out.
You pick at your pasta again, and you’re about to check your watch when you jolt.
You groan and shove Dave’s hand off your thigh. “Not here, stop it.”
But the spot on your thigh where he touched you feels like it’s on fire.
“We’ve been here an hour. We already talked to John and said our congrats. The damn thing already fuckin’ happened. This is the sorriest excuse for an after party.”
His hand returns to your thigh and you hold your breath. You look into his shades, seeing his eyes behind them. He wants it, and now so do you. Sigh. Why does he have to be so goddamn appealing?
He inches his hand even further up, and presses his thumb gently against your center. Even with your underwear and dress covering it, you still feel another jolt, this time shuddering your entire body. It’s the public space, he knows it turns you on. Huge dining hall, hundreds of people… Unlikely any will look this way….
He leans into you, pressing his mouth to your ear.
“Let’s blow this popsicle stand.”
You stand up so fast you bump the table, shaking its contents and knocking over Karkat’s wine glass.
“Fuck,” you say.
Dave’s hand is on yours and you’re out of there before Karkat could notice his wine was soaking the white tablecloth. You spare half a second to feel bad about that, but your thoughts are moving a mile a second and you’re already thinking about Dave’s big hot hands on yours… on your….
You’re in the hallway past the festivities, leading to the bathrooms. The venue is a stuffy country club Mr. Egbert is a member of, and you couldn’t pay to sneeze on it. But now, you and your common, not-rich boyfriend are slamming against the far wall beside a white leather couch, his hands already on you and your mouths already meeting.
Your senses are heightened a thousand times more than normal, a haze of lust and fear and excitation swirling around you both.
“Are we fuckin’ leaving or am I boning you right here and now,” Dave whispers against your mouth. You actually seriously consider his question for a second, but before you can answer, the sound of a flushing toilet interrupts the sexiness.
You hop away from him so suddenly you almost fall over. The man leaving the restroom, embarrassed after realizing what was obviously going on, shuffles past you, muttering an apology.
You stare after him for a moment then meet eyes with Dave, who immediately starts giggling. Now you’re both laughing, and you rush off past the bathrooms into the lobby, where he pinches your butt. You gasp and shove him, and you chase him out the front door.
“Harley, I have the biggest boner I can’t fuckin’ hold it anymore,” Dave grunts as you walk briskly in the direction of the parking lot.
“Well, good thing I’m driving.”
“I’m serious, you gotta like, suck this or something.”
“Ew, Dave, no.”
“What the fuck, you’ve done it before, why is it suddenly gross?”
“Because you just brought that out of fucking nowhere! At least lead up to it, god.”
“I was in the middle of that, but then Sweaty had to finish shitting.”
“This isn’t sexy anymore, Dave, I’m not putting your wimpy-ass cock anywhere near my mouth.”
You turn the corner and almost run into a small family, who simply gapes at you. Your face heats up. Shit. Were you seriously talking that loud? Oh god, you were shouting, weren’t you? You need to stop shouting about your sex life in public.
“Um, ‘scuse us,” you manage, walking around them and continuing toward the parking lot.
“Holy shit, Jade,” Dave mutters when you’re out of earshot. He sounds like he’s about to laugh at you.
“Don’t you fucking dare,” you seethe. “I hope your goddamn boner is gone.”
“Not even close, babe, you know angry Jade turns me on.”
“Well, it shouldn’t! Stop sexualizing my feelings.”
You’re at your truck now, which you unlock with a flourish. You yank open the door heatedly.
“Are you really gonna turn this into one of those talks?”
“Excuse me?”
You’re talking through the car now, driver and passenger doors open but neither of you in yet.
“Y’know, where you go all feminist on me and start calling me sexist and shit.”
“Are you asking to walk home with a hard-on?”
“Alright, I get the message.”
You both mount into your clunky blue truck, truly a black sheep among the sleek sports cars that populate the parking area. You wonder where John parked. His car is even shittier than yours, which pisses you off because his dad is loaded.
It takes a couple tries to start the car, but soon it sputters to life, as does the radio. Jason Derulo at 70% volume is not what you’re in the mood for.
“FUCK,” you yell, turning it the FUCK down before your cause of death is too-loud saxophone solos blowing out your brain.
Dave starts laughing, which prompts your initial reaction of hitting him, even though you’re laughing too. You pull out and leave this goddamn prissy palace for motherfucking good.
“I still want to have sex,” he says bluntly.
You roll your eyes. You still do as well. You suspect he knows this. You respond by turning up the radio and singing along loudly. Dave joins in (ironically, of course).
“—but your booty don’t need explainin’, all I really need to understand is—when—you—TALK DIRTY TO ME.”
You both then proceed to sing the worst imitation of a saxophone in paradox space.
“Why can’t people fuck like they do in movies?” you ask after a few moments.
“What, like fuckin’ rose petals and sexy music and close-ups of sexy sweat and all that shit?”
“Yeah, like, perfect morning-after hair, and like, no awkward moments, ever. Except in comedies.”
“No fat guys walking in on your make-out session.”
“To be fair,” you point out, “we were sort of right in the middle of the bathroom area.”
“All that shit though, it makes sense. Everyone has lousy sex, sex is lousy by definition. Writers of all that cheesy shit have awful sex lives like the rest of the population, so they write gross self-insertion porn with that girl from high school they always wanted to mount. There’s a reason they file that shit in the fiction section.”
“Well said. Though I’d argue against the having lousy sex part. We’ve had a couple good runs in the past.”
“Don’t confuse having an orgasm to having good sex.”
You feel weirdly defensive about this. “Why are you putting yourself down? We have great sex.” Okay, maybe not great sex, but he doesn’t need to keep repeating himself. Not every fucking is a good one, but they’re not all bad, sheesh.
“What was that? Was that a sexist insinuation?”
You take your eyes off the road for a moment. “What?”
“You asked why I’m putting myself down, that’s perpetuating the idea that men always dominate in sex, and that it’s always on our shoulders how well the fuck is. Isn’t that a bit sexist against yourself?”
You gape at him, and he smirks.
He’s fucking with you.
You figure you’ll fuck him back.
Wait. Fuck.
You mean, fuck with him back.
….
Nah, you don’t.
You eye him slyly, doing the sexy smile he loves. “David Strider, are you asking me to dominate you in bed tonight?”
Score. He was not expecting that response. His jaw drops.
“I—well, I—fuck, Jade—”
He’s red as a tomato. Perfect.
You cast him one more sexy look, practically guaranteeing a painful tightness in his pants, before flooring it home.
You skid a little as you reach the small town house in the poorer part of town that you and Dave bought recently.
Your parking could be better but you’ll worry about that tomorrow when you leave for work.
You both throw open your doors, and you forget your purse and your shoes but who fucking cares, Dave is already on you, except—
You place a hand on his chest and push him against the hood. You wag your finger.
“Ah, ah, ah. Not yet, Davie. You want me to dominate? Then you bet on your fucking life I’m doing it right.”
“God, Jade—”
“Shut up.”
Slowly, you pull him up by his tie, until his forehead is touching yours.
“Be naked on our bed in 90 seconds.”
His eyes widen. Your heart’s pounding. You’ve never done anything like this before. You love it.
You push him aside, and he rushes off, not before you slap his ass real quick. You smirk as he stumbles over himself getting in the house.
Now comes the weird part. Or maybe, more accurately, weird part 1/?
You share a room and you also share a bathroom. You have sexy lingerie in your room, but he’s in there getting stark naked and you gotta enter dramatically like the mistresses do in all the hardcore female friendly porn you watch. You can’t enter dramatically if you’re already in there. Ugh. This is what you mean by unrealistic movie sex. Sexy dominating heroines don’t worry about how they’re going to enter the room.
You enter the house, making sure the car is locked first, and consider stripping down to your panties. But you’re wearing Hanes underwear, the shit that comes in plastic packaging with five other pairs. And your bra is just a lame nude strapless. The ensemble would even be okay if the colors actually matched, but your underwear is a gross lime color. In the future, you gotta remember to like, shove some cute sexy lingerie in a vase down here or something, to avoid future predicaments like these.
Fuck, the 90 seconds have got to be over by now.
Shit. Whatever, I’ll just leave him waiting. Badass mistress. Yeah, that’s me. My man’s gotta wait for me.
You can’t believe you just had that embarrassing thought.
You finally decide on just stripping naked. Fuck it. Make it seem deliberate. Yeah. Badass mistress.
You leave your clothes in a heap on the floor. Yeah, like the Notebook. You just fuckin’ threw them off in your hurry to fuck like rabbits.
You make it halfway up the stairs before you go back down and just throw the damn clothes in the laundry room. Fuck movie sex. That shit never happens in real life.
It’s now been about four minutes and Dave’s probably getting soft by now. Ugh, sex is awful and gross and embarrassing. Your pussy’s really wet.
You throw open the door and Dave is lying on the bed like you asked—demanded him to. He’s slowly rubbing his hand up and down his dick.
Think porn.
“Did I say you could touch yourself?”
Even his shades are off. Damn. Serious fucking’s about to happen. He normally doesn’t take them off.
He immediately stops masturbating. “God, Jade, I can’t wait any longer. We gotta do this thing.”
You fake a concerned look. “Oh, do you have a previous engagement?”
“Huh?”
“I’m asking, Strider, if you’ve got a fucking place to be at after this.”
“N-No.”
“Then why the hurry?”
This is giving you such a rush oh god you feel so sexy. Dave looks just as electrified as you do.
“Th-there’s no hurry.”
Jesus, he’s a wreck. You’ve never seen him like this. They say it pays to experiment with your sex life, and god, whoever they are, they’re right.
“Great. This could take all night if I want it to.”
You finally get on the bed, approaching him on your hands and knees. You roughly swing your leg over him, straddling his waist. He moans softly and bucks upward. In response, you unthinkingly slap him across the face. Both shocked, you stare at each other. He nods. A while back, you’d both agreed on a safe word. You’d only used it once, since then.
“Did I say you could do that?”
“No.”
“Say my name.”
“Jadoh god.”
You rut downward as he speaks, sliding your dripping pussy over his curving dick.
“Bet you wanna put that in,” you say in your sultriest voice.
He hisses in as you slowly—agonizingly slowly—grind against him again. Fuck, it feels good.
“Please,” he groans. He’s arching back already.
“Nah. Not yet. And you can’t come until I say you can.”
“What? I can’t hold my come, what the f—oh Jesus, Jade, holy shit.”
“You come when I tell you to.”
“O-Okay.”
He’s breathing hard and now you’re at a loss. What now? You obviously can’t fuck yet, you just said not yet. You think back to your normal casual fuck routine. Makeout, tit sucking, handjob….
Oh, duh. BJ.
You get off his dick and he makes a noise of protest. You shift around on him so your ass is facing him. You see this in porn all the time. Oh god you hope it works in real life.
“Lick it,” you say.
As his tongue strokes up and down the lips, you take him in your mouth, all at once. You’ve always been a trooper with blowjobs, and damn is it paying off now. Dave is moaning and cussing at your pussy, and as you take him out and drag your tongue down to the base, you realize he’s stopped licking you.
You stop touching him and he groans. “Keep licking!”
“Oh, sorry.”
For some reason, this makes you start giggling.
“What?” he asks, self-conscious.
Shit, you ruined the sexy mistress illusion.
It’s not too late!
You put his dick back in your mouth, and bob your head so low your nose is at his pubic hair. He groans your name and you resurface, coughing a little. A strand of saliva connects from your lip to the top of his dick. You wipe at it and consider your next move. You have to make this last.
While you think, you take his cock in your palm and stroke up and down.
“Finger me,” you finally say, and he complies immediately. Dave is notoriously very bad at fingering you, but for some reason this angle feels extra good. You moan and rut back on his fingers. His other hand grips your ass and, goddamn it, it’s getting harder and harder to further postpone the actual fuck.
Fuck it, we both know I’m not actually a mistress. I need this dick, like, now.
You suddenly stand up, turning around so you’re facing him. Holy shit. This is a whole new Dave. He’s pink in the face, and looks almost in pain. His eyes are totally glazed with lust. Jeez, you’re not even there yet. Usually he sexes you up so good you’re panting and sweaty and fuckin’ doe-eyed and shit like he is now.
Holy shit. Submissive Dave is something I need in my life way more often.
You point to the side table, and Dave leans across, pulling out a condom, which he quickly stuffs on.
You get on your knees and lower yourself down so your entrance is almost over him. He makes a noise that sounds almost like a whimper.
“Please, Jade, please… fuck…. I need….”
“Speak up, Davie… What do you need?”
“God, just fuck me. Fuck. I’m not lasting long.”
“I told you, you’re not coming til I tell you.”
“Fuck you, Jade.”
“Oh?” You tauntingly raise yourself higher, further away from his dick.
“No, god, don’t… please….”
Jesus, he sounds like he’s gonna cry. You decide to spare him, taking his tip and bringing it right to your entrance.
“Want it?”
“Fuck yes I do Jade I love you so much holy shitFUCK, JADE.”
You slammed it right in, and he fills you up completely so you’re almost sitting on him.
There’s gotta be something about this position of dominance that curbs that kind of talk. Usually when Dave fucks you, he stays mostly quiet, except for the occasional swear, and “Yeah? You like that?” You’re normally the one who moans and whimpers. This role reversal is turning you the fuck on. You can’t get enough of submissive Dave.
You stay on him for a few more moments then gyrate slowly, grinding down. It hits your g-spot a couple times and you moan a little, but Dave’s making so much noise he probably doesn’t hear you.
You lean down, kissing his collarbones. He’s sweating and his breath is shallow.
You’ve stopped moving.
“Jesus… Jade… I love you….”
“Fuck me.”
Near instantly, he bucks up, fucking you from underneath. You gasp at the sudden movement, but you quickly recover, moving your hips, meeting his thrusts. Your synchronization is perfect now, and you start heating up within, lights start to dance in front of your eyes.
“Ffffffffuck, Dave, I’m gonna come,” you tell him. He takes this as a sign that you’re allowing him to come as well, and you don’t really care at this point. Your orgasm builds and builds, and while it’s still building Dave speeds up. Before you realize what’s happening you’re on your back and he’s over you, his arms two sweaty pillars beside your shoulders. He grunts as he comes, and you can tell it’s a big one. He shudders, still thrusting.
While he’s coming down from his high, you come, yelling Dave’s name and grabbing his back. He pulls out and falls on top of you, gasping and panting. You reach down, pulling off his condom for him.
His eyes close, his breath slowing.
You know you should just let him sleep, but you have to say it.
“Still think everyone has lousy sex?”
He groans. “Fuck you, Harley, that was the sexiest experience of my entire life. This shit’s going down in the history books. Get a camera, I’m makin’ a scrapbook. Strider/Harley Best Fuck Ever, 2014. We’re telling our grandkids about this day.”
“We’re so not doing that.” Your heart leaps at the mere mention of progeny.
“You’re right. That’s weird.”
A few moments pass and you assume it’s time to sleep. You close your eyes, but Dave speaks up again.
“Hey, Jade.”
“Yeah?”
“I love you.”
“I love you, too.” You don’t mention how many times he said this while you were playing the mistress.
“I want you to know.”
He pauses.
“Hm?”
“I fully plan on marrying the fuck out of you.”
Your breath catches in your throat. You don’t tell him how long you’ve been waiting for him to mention marriage.
“I look forward to it,” is all you say.
But you fall asleep with a smile.
--
EPILOGUE: Be Dave
When you wake up the morning after the best fuck of your life, your girlfriend is gone, the house smells like bacon, and you have 3 voicemail messages on your phone.
They’re from John. You sit up and listen to the first one.
“Hey Dave! Where the hell are you!? And is Jade with you? I’m about to make a speech, and it’s sort of got you in it, you and Jade and Rose, like kind of a thank you for being awesome friends, yada yada, but you’re not here so what the fuck. Karkat said you knocked over his wine and left. Please call back, gotta go!”
Oh no. You start the second message.
“Seriously, dude, what the fuck? Did you leave early? That would suck if you guys left early. Did something happen? I’m a tad nervous. Call back.”
“Okay, well I just had to awkwardly thank three people that weren’t even there. You guys better be doing something really important.”
You sigh. Now you feel like a jerk.
You call him back. He answers on the second ring.
“Dave! Where the hell were you last night?”
“Hey, Egbert, sorry I left early, didn’t think you’d do a recognition otherwise I’d make an effort to not be an asshole.”
He sighs before answering.
“It’s alright, whatever. I don’t really care about impressing a bunch of my dad’s boring friends.”
“Are you admitting that that whole shtick was boring?”
“Eh…. Yes. Yeah, it’s cool to be like my dad, but god, Dave, the association is just way too boring to be a prankster’s calling. It’s really just the cred that’s important. To be honest, I think Rose skipped out on purpose. I’m glad you guys at least stayed for the ceremony. What’d you end up doing after?”
You consider your answers briefly.
“We straight fucked, bro.”
“Ew, I didn’t need to know that!!”
“Hey, you asked. Jade totally dominated, it was fucking awesome.”
“Holy shit, I don’t need to know about my cousin’s sex life!! Whatever, I’m just glad you didn’t leave and get murdered or anything. I’m hanging up now.”
You start to say bye but he’s gone.
You smirk and hop out of bed, pulling on a pair of pajama bottoms from the other night. Before joining Jade downstairs, you quickly open up your closet and check the pocket of your shittiest suit jacket, way in the back.
You open up the ring box to make sure it’s still there. Of course it is.
You take a moment to smile, genuinely and unironically. Stuff’s about to hapen. Big stuff.
You close the box and return it to its spot before following the scent of bacon to its delicious source.