Archive of Our Own

Louis feels like there are too many words in his mouth. His throat feels dry and his mouth is sticky and there's sweat all over his forehead. It's an average Tuesday night. Spring term begins tomorrow and he had the fantastic idea of getting out the night before with Zayn but he guesses he didn't think it through too well because he's going to have a terrible hangover for the first day of class.

Louis sways as he grabs on to Zayn's shoulder. Zayn takes one look at Louis and grins, “Mate, you're going to be so fucked tomorrow morning.”

Apparently, Zayn isn't as drunk as Louis.

“Zayn, love, you're a med student right? In theory, if I'm always a little bit drunk, then wouldn't I never ever have to deal with a hangover? That sounds like a good idea. I'll just live a life of being in a constant state of drunkenness so I'd never have to deal with a hangover.”

Zayn rolls his eyes. “Possibly, if you prefer alcohol poisoning as opposed to a little hangover.”

Louis closes his eyes and nods his head, smiling. “That sounds absolutely wonderful. Poisoning, eh? It's poetic, even.”

Zayn shoves Louis off his side and grins. “Alcohol poisoning can lead to death, you ass. And just because you're a published author, Lou, doesn't mean you get to call everything poetic. Don't forget, I still have a copy of your David Beckham fan fiction from when you were 14.”

Louis groans, “I swear, if you ever show anyone that-”

Zayn bursts out into giggles and wiggles his eyebrows. “No promises. I'm going to keep that as blackmail forever.”

“You're a terrible friend. I'm going to go find someone to kiss so I don't have to talk to you.”

“Alright have fun babe. Don't miss me! I'm going out for a smoke.”

Louis knows Zayn isn't coming back. 9 out of 10 times whenever Zayn goes out for a smoke someone finds him and they end up going back to their place. Louis understands, Zayn's practically a greek god he could probably get with anyone.

Louis decides to push toward the front of the crowd near the band that's playing. The music is quite bland but the lead singer is fit and looks fun to kiss. He catches the singer's eye and smirks at him, and making it obvious he's checking him out. He stays for the rest of the set, basically eye fucking the singer the entire time and dancing along. He grins and he drinks and he knows he's going to regret it tomorrow but he can't seem to manage to care.

After the band's set is over Louis catches the lead singer over at the bar. He orders a drink and makes eye contact, and the guy makes a signal for Louis to come over. He begins to walk over when he feels a hand on his chest.

“Uh, excuse me, I'm trying to-” And oh. Louis is met with wild curls and red, red lips and green eyes. The boy's hand is huge contrasted next to Louis' smaller frame, and oh. This boy is much much more of Louis' type.

Curly chuckles and looks at Louis, his hand still pressed to Louis' chest. “I wouldn't recommend going over there.”

Louis raises an eyebrow. A stranger will not tell him what to do. He steps out of the stranger's reach and his chest feels colder without the boy's hand there.

He crosses his arm and feigns an air of annoyance. The guy is hot, but he's stopping Louis from possibly getting laid and he doesn't like it.

“Oh really? And why's that?”

The guy smirks, “Well, to put it simply, he fucks a lot of people. His willy is probably infested with dozens of diseases. Warts and everything. Wouldn't go within a mile of him if I had the choice.”

“And how do you know this, hm?”

“Well, I'm the guitar player for the band. Did you- did you not see me? I'm Harry.” The guy looks a little bit hurt, and Louis feels bad. He's too drunk to have to feel bad.

Louis avoids the question and brings himself closer to the boy.

He whispers in his ear, curls tickling his mouth. “I fuck a lot of people. Got a problem with that?”

Harry's eyes widen. “No- I just. You're Louis Tomlinson.”

Louis grins, “I'm aware.”

“You’re one of the most popular romance writers? You had a #1 selling book at the age of 17, I- I just assumed you weren't one to stick to one night stands.”

Louis taps his chin. “So you're a fan eh? I'll ignore the part where you were kind of shaming me for fucking a lot of people, something that is totally okay, mind you. Want a picture? Signature? Got a book for me to sign?” Louis knows he's being a dick but he really wants to get laid and Harry is in the way. He would much rather hook up with Harry instead, as he is far more of Louis' type, but from what the guy's been saying, he doesn't look like someone who'd do it.

“No- I was just.” The boy quiets and looks down. “I was just trying to help you.”

“Sorry, love, but I don't need saving.” He moves around Harry, and finds himself wanting to look back. Harry hasn't moved from his spot. He shakes his head clear, and meanders over to the singer, smiling and offering a drink.

They talk for a bit, before the singer is leading him towards the back corner and they're kissing. It's hot and heavy and sticky but the guy knows what he's doing and Louis doesn't mind at all. He lets himself get lost, kissing and kissing. He tastes whiskey on his tongue and the guy smells of smoke and secrets. Louis doesn't care.

Louis whispers in his ear,“Wanna go back to my place?” He doesn't even know the guy's name yet. It's better this way. The guy nods quickly, and Louis grabs his hand, leading him to the exit. He looks up and is met with a pair of green eyes and curls, and Louis knows Harry's been watching them the entire time, can see it in the way he looks agitated and a bit hurt. Louis suddenly feels guilt wash over him, and drops the singer's hand. Why does he care? Why does this stupid curly headed guy care? Hell, why does Louis even care about this Harry guy? He tries to push down his thoughts and grabs the singer's hand again. He kisses him, trying to convince himself that he wants it. That he wants to get hook up with this guy. But as he runs his hands through the guy's hair, he can't help but wish his own fingers were getting caught running through brown curls. He clears his throat, and whispers something about no being able to go to his place to the singer. 

The singer grabs Louis' hand.

"Hey, can't leave a guy with blue balls! Come back," He's smiling like there's nothing wrong but his eyes are cold and his fingers are tightly gripped around Louis' wrist. 

"Sorry, I'm not in the mood anymore. Let go of me." Louis yanks his arm away, but the guy is still gripping onto Louis. He forcefully pulls Louis face to face with him.

"Listen babe, you can't just kiss me like that and leave me. C'mon." Louis feels disgusting and he wants to leave and he really isn't in the mood for this. He tries to shove the guy away when he see Harry walk over.

"Luke, get off of him. There's plenty of other people here. Stop being a dick," Harry says. Luke still has a tight grip on Louis' wrist.

"Get out of here Harry. This is between Louis and I. Shove off." 

Harry's eyebrows furrow and he pushes Luke off of Louis. "Go. Away." 

"Alright, fine. Have him. Wasn't that good of a kisser anyways," Luke spits. 

Louis' furious, can't help in his drunken state but shout, "Darling, I felt your dick through your jeans. Not much there." 

Luke turns around and flips Harry and him off. Louis rolls his eyes. Can't believe he almost slept with that guy. 

"Hey, you okay?" Harry asks. He looks genuinely worried and its annoying Louis for some reason.  

"I'm fine. Could have dealt with it myself though. I don't need your help." 

"I was just trying to-"

"Thanks Harry," he says simply. 

Louis grabs his coat and leaves the bar in a hurry, not wanting to look back.

He suddenly feels sober.

****

Louis wakes up with an alarm blaring in his ear and his head pounding. He groans, rubbing his eyes. First day of Spring term and Louis is already going to miss his first class. He lays in bed, head still pounding, and checks his phone for any text messages.

Won't be back till 12.

Of course. Zayn's out having fun with who knows who and who knows where. Louis shouldn't have drank so much last night. He's only 22 and at this rate, Louis is going to die of liver failure soon. He takes some aspirin and attempts to mentally prepare himself for a day of aches and dullness.

It's 11 o'clock and the class Louis has to be a teacher's assistant for starts in half an hour. He's already missed his first class (why did he think having a class at 8 would be a good idea?).

Fuck his life, honestly. He still hasn't even finished the last half of his poetry novel that's supposed to be out in stores in 8 months. There's too many things to do and Louis wants to scream. But instead he pushes down his growing feelings of stress.
Louis doesn't even want to help teach a class of ungrateful kids who don't give a fuck about writing. But his old professor convinced him that the class would love to hear from “a successful writer who's also young.” Louis is successful alright. At drinking the night before semi-important days and ignoring his current problems.

Louis needs to learn to start saying no. 
He groans as he grabs a cup of coffee and heads over to the campus. There are too many people at his university, too many fake smiles, too many teenage hormones. He arrives at the lecture hall 4 minutes before the class is about to start, which is unusual for him. He feels awkward. Louis has always been the kid that cockily saunters into the class 30 second after the bell rang, and then charmed the teacher into not giving him a tardy.

Louis shakes his head. No, he is now a full adult, and Louis needs to start caring about time. He walks over to the professor's desk, and sees a note.

“Sorry, Louis! Emergency! Please give a quick lecture in my absence and I promise you'll never have to do it again! Give them writing tips or something. Thank you!”

Oh fuck. First day of class and the professor isn't even going to show up. Louis considers simply leaving, but the students have already seen Louis at the front of room and he can tell some of them are looking at him expectantly. Louis grits his teeth, downs the rest of his coffee and curses his professor.

Louis takes a deep breath, and turns to the students. “Alright. Well, your professor has had an emergency and won't be able to make it. I'm your TA for this term, so he has asked me to give a short lecture. I guarantee it will be a very short lecture. I've had a shit night and I would very much like to return to my bed. Anyways, I'm Louis Tomlinson, I have a few novels published, maybe you know them. Since I have no idea what the hell I'm going to lecture on, ask me questions. Inspire me.”

Louis glances over all the students. A few look bored, but for the most part, Louis doesn't seem to be doing too bad. Louis sees from the corner of his eye a raised hand, and he turns to look.

Well, fuck.

He's met with the same green eyes and curls as last night and Louis can feel his entire body stiffen.

Why is this Harry kid here? He feels like his eyeballs are going to fall out.

Nevertheless, Louis must act professional, or whatever, and plasters on a fake smile.

“Uh, yeah, you,” Louis points. He tries to pretend he doesn't recognize him. “What's your question?”

“Do you believe in love?” Harry asks immediately.

Louis scoffs. What the hell is this kid?

“Uh, not really. I'm more of a cynic to be honest. Never wanted the whole marriage and kid thing. I'm going to give you lot some advice," Louis pauses. "There are two types of people in this world: Realists and Hopeless Romantics.”

Suddenly there are multiple hands raised. Huh, Louis may not be too bad at this teaching thing.

He calls on a girl with bright blue hair. “What do you mean, sir?'”

Louis claps his hands together and grins. “Well, I guess this will be my short lecture for the day. Thank you for inspiring me! Anyways, as I was saying, there are two types of people. A realist just sees a face and packs it in with every other attractive person they've ever seen before. The hopeless romantic becomes convinced that God put them on Earth to be with that one person. But there is no God and life is only as meaningful as you fool yourself into thinking it is. People who get laid a lot are realists. I am realist, if you haven't noticed already, but the main character of my new book is a hopeless romantic. The thing about good writing is that you have the ability to use your life experience and beliefs in order to project the complete opposite of yourself. You need to know how to show different depths in characters that even you don't like. It's a bit like acting, if you will.” Louis attempts to make eye contact with the students, however, he carefully avoids the side of the room where Harry is located.

“Next tip. It's hard to be a good writer without some experience. So students, for you first homework assignment, I want you to go crazy. Fuck someone that you will never learn the name of, go to an insane party, confess your love to someone. And then write a short story inspired off of that experience and turn it into me in 2 weeks. Have fun. That was my lecture for my day, see you in a couple of days!”

He shoos the class out, even though it's supposed to be a 2 hour lecture. Half an hour is good enough, that's like what? 25% of what he was supposed to do? That's good enough.

He sits down in the professor's desk, messing around with a couple things. He deserves it, after having to pull a lecture out of his ass.

He beings writing a quick letter to the professor when he hears feet shuffling near his desk.

“Uh, sir?” The voice asks timidly.

Louis internally groans. He is not up to talking to someone.

Louis glances up lazily, muttering, “What?”

It's Harry. Again.

“Are you following me, Harry?”

“You wish,” he says, and Louis can see dimples. Honestly, what is this creature? Louis literally ignored him yesterday. 

“What do you need Harry?” Louis asks impatiently.

Harry grins cheekily. “I need for you and I to go on a date!”

"Harry, you're cute I'll give you that. Also, you're confident, that's a quality that I admire in a guy. But you reek of romance and relationships and that's not how I work.”

"Well- I was reading this advice column-"

Louis laughs. Everything is ridiculous. "Advice column? You're getting weirder and weirder Harry."

Harry rolls his eyes. "Yeah, I read advice columns, so what? Anyways, as I was saying before I was oh so rudely interrupted, I was reading this advice column and it said that you should never let go of beautiful things. So, here I am, and I rather not lose you Louis Tomlinson." 

Fuck, Harry knows how to sweet talk a boy. "You think I'm beautiful?"

"Uh, yeah. I thought I've made that quite evident." 

Louis just smirks. Sweet talking doesn't work on Louis, though.   "Sorry, love," Louis says and he pats Harry on the cheek. "Thanks for the compliments, but I told you, I don't date, I don't commit. It's not my thing."

Louis gathers his things and hurries out of the classroom, leaving Harry alone with his big, stupid green eyes. Louis feels a bit guilty.

****

“Do you seriously not believe in aliens? There are billions of stars in the world, the universe is so large its incomprehensible to even scientists. You're narcissistic enough to believe humans are the only life forms out there?”

“Then how do you explain how humans are here on Earth?” Fuck. This guy is fit as hell but has no substance. Maybe Louis can look past it.

He responds, “Um.. evolution? Humans just didn't poof out of someone's ass.”

The guy nods hesitantly, giving Louis a weird look. “Well, alright. I think I'm going to go.” He grabs his coat and leaves Louis standing at the bar alone. Smooth, Louis is so very smooth.

“Wow,” Louis hears a familiar chuckle. “That was very impressive flirting.”

Louis turns around to see Harry. Surprise, surprise.

“I'm starting to think you're actually following me Harry.”

Harry ignores what he said. “I'm pretty sure the guy was mormon.”

“Then what's he doing at a gay bar? Aren't they like against homosexuals? Gay is a sin and what not?”

Harry just smiles and shrugs. “Who knows. But I do know that you scared the fuck out of him. Maybe even ruined his relationship with the gods above.”

Louis groans and takes a swing out of beer. “Anyways, Harry? How many times do I have to turn you down before you get the idea? I will never go on a date with you. I'm not interested, sorry babe.”

He expects to look and see Harry with disappointment in his eyes but instead he's met with a wide grin and 2 dimples. And his stupid green eyes.

“No, Louis. You and I- we are going to be friends. You can at least give me that.”

Louis considers it for a second. The boy is funny and quite cute. Even if his eyes are a stupid color. He also doesn't seem like he's going to give up any time soon.

“Fine. You get one chance to dazzle me. If I'm unimpressed then this thing you and I have will vanish. Poof. Gone before you even realize you had it.”

“Challenge accepted.”

****

“Coffee place? You took me to a damn coffee house? How can you expect to earn my friendship? I was expecting a horse drawn carriage and a waiter at my feet,” Louis sighs in mock agony.

“Heeeeeeyyy. This is one of the best coffee places in California! It's got scones and muffins and all the different types of coffee and tea you can imagine! Plus there's a room to drink tea with cats!” Suddenly Harry frowns. “But you have to pay extra.”

“What did I sign myself up for?” Louis mutters. It's lucky Harry is cute, Louis might have left half an hour ago.

Harry turns to Louis every couple of seconds excitedly to talk about some flavor of coffee or type of muffin as they wait in line to order.
Louis decides on a vanilla cappuccino and a blueberry muffin. They grab a seat in a booth as Harry simply smiles and looks at Louis.

“What are you looking at Curly?”

“Oh- uh nothing, I just, I didn't think this plan would work.”

“Plan?” Louis raises an eyebrow.

Harry nods like nothing is suspicious and grabs a scrunchie from his pocket. Louis stares silently as Harry grabs all of his curls and puts it into a ponytail. A fucking ponytail.

“Umm.. what?”

Harry looks up from where he's concentrating tying the scrunchie.

“Oh this thing?” He points to the tiny ponytail on his head. “I do it whenever I eat. Wouldn't want crumbs in my luscious curls would I? When you tie your hair up, though, make sure to use a scrunchie. Rubber bands. Terrible for the hair. ”

Louis snorts and just shakes his head. This kid is so weird. But strangely, Louis also likes it. It's different, its a breath of fresh air from the fake smiles he's so used to.

It gets quiet as they both stir their coffee and eat their baked goods.

Harry glances up at him ever so often and Louis pretends not to notice.

“So.. Louis,” Harry begins. “What's your favorite book?”

Louis rolls his eyes, he knows exactly what Harry's doing. “Um, no. I'm not answering this. I'm just going to say the book, and then you're going to go on and pretend that we have similar tastes in authors and try to convince me that we're meant to be and that you're the love of my life. Sorry, babe, those tricks don't work on me.”

The tips of Harry's ears redden, and he starts stammering again. “Well-no I wasn't trying to do that!”

Louis simply smiles. “How about this. What's your favorite book? You go first. And please no Catcher in the Rye or Shakespeare or anything. Tell me something different. Don't bore me.”

Harry stirs his coffee, and Louis can see his eyebrows scrunched together, deep in thought.

“I, I guess I would have to say that...actually. I can't choose a favorite book. But my favorite short story is The Scarlet Ibis.  So many people think this its boring,but I can't even count the number of times I've read it and the impact it had in me. Maybe it was because I read the story when my parents got divorced and-”

Louis stands up and quietly says, “I have to go.”

Louis can barely feel his legs as he gets up and his throat is getting tight, and why is this happening to him? His body feels like its failing him, all because of a stupid boy. He promised himself when he was 18 he was never going to fall in love again. He pushes open the door and tries to leave as quickly as possible but all he hears is Harry calling after him.

“Louis! Wait I-”

Louis turns around. “What? What do you want Harry? What do you want from me?”

Harry glances down and quietly asks, “Is- is that your favorite story too?”

“Harry, listen, I don't. I don't do this thing. I don't date. Hell, I don't even do this friendship thing.”

Harry's frustrated and he starts waving his hands around. “I like you Louis! Why won't you let me like you?”

“Harry, I think you're a lovely guy and you're cute. I just- I don't do this. I don't have boyfriends and I don't date. I don't want to and I don't think I ever will. I fuck someone and then I leave in the morning. That's how I work. Whatever this is? I- I can't let it go on any further.”

“Why do you do this to yourself? Why? You give yourself away to guys with infinitely lower IQs than you. You deserve someone who actually knows what you're talking about!”

It's silent and Louis hates it when its silent because he feels like he can hear every breath and every unspoken thought.
Louis swallows and he- he doesn't know how he feels and he can't look at Harry's disappointed face any longer. He turns around and leaves, grabs the nearest cab and goes home.

He doesn't want to think anymore.

****

Harry isn't in class the next time Louis is there. He glances around the entire time, hoping to see his curls or his stupid green eyes.
And- he needs to stop.

Louis- Louis doesn't like people. He detaches himself from everyone and everything, he hasn't been on a date since Adam. He doesn't want to be loved and he doesn't want to love anyone. It ruined his mother and it ruined him when he was 18. He never wanted to feel that way again, and he's- he's fucking scared. Scared of letting himself get attached to Harry or actually feeling something. So he sticks to one night stands and drowning himself in alcohol when he starts thinking too much.

But he can't help but feel disappointed that Harry isn't here.

****

“Harry! Can you please bring in the groceries?” Louis sees a mess of curls and a lanky body covered in layers of clothes exit the house. Louis ducks inside his car when Harry grabs the groceries and looks around the street.

Fuck. Louis can't believe he has resorted to stalking Harry back to house. All because he might miss him. He groans and punches the wheel out of frustration. He shouldn't be doing this. He should be back at the house with Zayn smoking some weed and going out for the night. Instead, he's being pathetic and stalking a boy that he rejected 3 times.
The past couple of days has been miserable. Louis didn't realize how much he hated not seeing Harry in class, and he even sort of missed how Harry always seemed to find him at different bars. He moped at his flat until Zayn told him to fuck off and find Harry. He hadn't even realize he started to grow fond of the boy.

Louis takes a deep breath, smooths down his sweater and fixes his hair. He needs to go apologize to Harry and try to be friends again. Fuck he's only talked to the guy 3 times and Louis already can't stop thinking about him. Louis gets out of his car, and walks across the street to the house Harry apparently lives in. The door of the house is open, and Louis isn't quite sure what to do. So he stands there.
Louis is pathetic.

Suddenly a blonde guy pops out of a room, and looks quizzically at Louis standing by the entrance of the door. His face lights up in recognition and begins to grin. He makes a motion for Louis to come in and shouts out, “HARREH I THINK SOMEONE IS HERE TO VISIT YOU! It's that professor or something!”

Louis' eyes widen. Fuck, this whole thing was a mistake and he begins to slowly back out of the door when Harry comes out of a room.
His hair is wild and everywhere, lips redder than usual. His cheeks are tinted pink from the cold and Louis doesn't want to ever look away.

Harry walks towards Louis hesitantly. “Louis? What are you doing here?” Louis begins to blush and he is seriously regretting his entire existence.

“I- er-”

“Are you following me, Louis Tomlinson?” Harry smirks. He's getting pay back by teasing Louis and he knows it.

“I- uh. Maybe possibly miss talking to you?” Louis answers sheepishly. He scratches the back of his head and wills his face to stop being so damn red.

“Knew it. No one can resist the charm of Harry Styles!” He shouts triumphantly.

“Um. Not if you continue to talk in third person.” They both burst laughing. This whole situation is so so fucking bizarre. Louis doesn't mind.
Harry toes at the carpet and bites his lip. “My mate Niall and I, oh and my mum, too. We were headed out to Santa Monica Pier. You can come. You know, only if you want.”

Louis nods, glad that things are okay. Everything is so easy with Harry. “Friends?”

“Friends,” Harry agrees.

****

“God it's so bloody cold! Who goes to the pier during the middle of winter?” Louis is shivering violently as Harry prances around the empty pier. Of course it's empty. No one in their right mind would go to the pier on a day this fucking cold.

Niall, Harry's friend, who Louis would like to compare to the Sun, is giggling as he observes Louis groaning and Harry doing cartwheels around the shops. He's holding on to Harry's mum, who's quietly laughing along. Louis forgot how easy it is to talk to some people. And just forget everything.

Harry runs excitedly towards the ticket booth, motioning for the rest of the group.

“Alright! Let's go on rides! Chose the best day to come! Its fucking empty!”

They spend the entire day following behind Harry unquestioningly as he meandered around like a 5 year old.
It's probably one of the best days Louis' had in awhile and he feels happy. He screams and runs around with Harry on the beach, splashing him despite the freezing temperature. They bury Niall in the sand and giggle and eat Korean tacos from a food truck. He returns back to Harry's house exhausted but pleased. Niall drives Harry's mum back to her house and leaves Harry alone with Louis.

“Tea?”

Louis nods, eyes beginning to droop. “No sugar please.”

They sit down at the dining table, and its quiet. But its nice sort of quiet. The kind of silence Louis doesn't mind because its comfortable.

“I'm- I'm sorry I was such a dick to you,” Louis blurts out.

Harry looks up from his tea, surprised. He starts laughing. “I know, right?”'

Louis winces in shame. “I- I didn't realize how much fun I had talking to you. Even though you were following me,” Louis teases.

“Hey, who followed who today?”

“Fair enough.”

Louis smiles at Harry, a real genuine smile and Louis can't believe Harry Styles is a real person.
He reminds himself to thank Zayn for getting him off his ass and find Harry.

“Anyways,” Harry begins. “Because I'm such a forgiving person. I'm willing to forget this whole stalking incident if.... if you'd let me take you out on a proper date.”

“Really, Harry? You're trying again for the 4th time? I was starting to think you'd get sick of me.”

“Stop avoiding the question, Lou.”

Louis sucks in a breath. He's going to regret it but-

“Okay, yeah.” He says it loud enough for Harry to barely hear it.

“As in yes?” Harry's grinning from ear to ear now and its all so very endearing.

“Don't make me say it again.”

Harry is literally beaming. It's almost like happiness is radiating out of his body and it's so fucking ridiculous.

"Did you get help from your advice column to ask me out again?" Louis teases. 

"Possibly. It worked though, didn't it?" 

"Do you have like a room full of advice column clippings? Maybe even scrapbook the best ones? I wouldn't be surprised." 

"Actually...."

"Oh my god, please tell me you're kidding. Harry Styles, you do not have an actual scrapbook full of advice column stuff."

Harry grins again, and grabs Louis' hand, leading him to a bookcase. 

"It's a bit of a family tradition, I guess," Harry says as he flips through the random books. "I grew up with my mum scrap booking these, and it grew on me. I guess it's a bit of a comfort thing. Hasn't failed me yet!" 

Louis looks at Harry fondly. "You're the most absurd person I have ever met."

Harry doesn't stop smiling for the rest of the night.

Neither does Louis.

****

“So, how many of my books have you read?” They're on their date and Louis' stomach won't stop fluttering. He's acting stupid, so stupid but he finds himself not caring.

Harry blushes a bit. “Um, all of them?”

Louis laughs, his eyes crinkling. “And- well what do you think of them? Oh, and don't bullshit it, give me an honest answer.”

Harry hums, contemplating his answer. “Well- I liked them a lot- obviously. It's just? I don't understand.”

“Understand what?”

“Well you talk about how you dislike marriage and love. But in the books your main character is a hopeless romantic. Why?”
“Because, Harry Styles. I'm a complicated lad. Writing is only interesting to me when I portray something that is completely opposite from me. It lets me see different perspectives, and shows me different depths. I like it better that way.”

Harry nods. “Do you really believe in all of that though? How love is stupid?”

“Well- I don't know. Most of the times.”

Harry's about to say something but then closes his mouth. “How much of the books were true?”

“Not a lot. I tried not to focus too much on my parent's divorce. It- it made it too personal. But the scene where the character talks about how he caught his father having sex with his neighbor on the beach is true.”

Harry's mouth drops. “That's true? Really?”

“It's um. Why I don't talk to my dad anymore. Haven't since I was 16. I remember him saying as he kissed my neighbor that he didn't care if Jo saw. He. Didn't. Care.”

Louis doesn't want to look at Harry because he knows he's only going to see sympathy in his eyes. Louis doesn't need sympathy. 

“Hey H?” he says, keeping his eyes down on the table.

“Yeah Louis?” Harry is barely breathing.

“You make me feel less cynical.”

****

“Want to play 20 questions?” Harry suggests. They're sitting in his car, while it rains outside. According to Harry, this is part 2 of the date.

“Oh for gods sake Harry! That's like the most clique thing you can do on a first date! Where did all your creativity go?”

“I like you. I want to get to know you better, is that so bad?”

“Fine,” Louis huffs. “You go first though.”

“Okay, hmm. What’s your... least favorite color?”

Louis laughs. “You're not going to like the answer, babe. It's... it's green.”

Harry pretends to be offended, mouth gaping. “Does this mean you hate my eyes?” He pulls his hands over his eyes, covering them. “Fine, you won't ever have to see them for as long as we're dating! I'll wear an eye patch!”

Louis pulls Harry's hands away, intertwining them with his own. “Oh shut it.”

Harry looks down to where they're holding hands and grins. “Moving on. Your turn Lou!”

“What's your favorite song?”

Harry lets go of Louis' hands and starts fumbling through his car. He picks up an old looking CD that's probably been at the bottom of the floor for the past century.

Harry smiles again, showing his dimples. “Well, Louis, I am going to show you my favorite song. But you must close your eyes. Appreciate the beauty that is this song.”

Louis obliges, closing his eyes, peeking out ever so often. He hears Harry shuffle around the car a bit more before music starts playing. 

All I want is nothing more
To hear you knocking at my door
'Cause if I could see your face once more
I could die a happy man I'm sure

Suddenly, the car feels too tight and Louis' throat is closing up. He's- he's crying and there are tears rolling down his face. He feels so scared, so fucking scared.

Harry holds Louis' hands and he finally opens his eyes.

“I don't want to get hurt,” Louis whispers.

“I won't hurt you, I promise.”

Louis nods, tears still falling down his face. “You- you terrify me. You're too honest and too real and too good. You're a big oaf that for some reason likes a fucked up person like me and its terrifying. I’m terrified. I'm scared I can't do this.”

“I won't hurt you, Lou. I like you too much to ever do that. I promise.” Harry grabs Louis' chin, and suddenly they're kissing. Harry's lips are chapped and he's gripping onto Louis' face. Louis forgets everything as he kisses Harry, their mouths moving in sync, feeling each other. 

Louis feels happy. 

****

“Come in here,” Louis whispers.

Harry grins, walking over towards the door where Louis is blocking it.

“Alright, H. This is my writing room. I only show a select few to marvel at the magic that is my writing room. Feel special.” Louis' stomach is doing flips but its okay because- well because something about Harry makes Louis trust him so easily. Everything is so easy with Harry.

“Wait- H. Whats the password?”

Harry smiles and kisses Louis on the lips.

“Alright, you may enter! Marvel at it! This is where all my genius is from.”

Harry's eyes widen as he takes in the room. There are papers haphazardly strewn all over the room, things pinned to random parts of the wall, and a color-coded bulletin board. There must be 6 empty mugs in various parts of the room, and random clothes thrown carelessly on the floor.

Louis watches as Harry starts touching everything, but it's light. Everything Harry does is so light and soft. He sees Harry stop at random spots to read various snippets Louis writes whenever he's got an idea.

“Louis?” He motions for Louis to walk over. “When did you write this one?”

Louis looks down on the piece of paper Harry is holding, and its something he scribbled quickly when he was beginning to fall asleep. Fuck. He wrote it a week ago. After Louis and Harry had the fight outside of the cafe.

i wonder what its like to be your last thought before you fall asleep. through the hazy sleepiness and fall of my consciousness, i think only of you.

Harry touches the paper like its going to fall apart in his hands. “I love this one,” He says softly, as if he's going to shatter everything if he speaks too loudly.

“Keep it. I um. I wrote is about you. So uh, yeah. Keep it.”

Harry looks up at Louis with big eyes and it looks like he's searching for something in Louis' eyes. He looks surprised. But Harry just smiles and gives Louis a hug.

“I'm glad you let me take you out on this date.”

Louis closes his eyes, taking in the moment. “Me too, Harry.”

****

Louis feels himself falling more for Harry every moment he spends with him. It's scary, like he's falling down some black hole, but this time there's a light at the end. Harry's that light. They introduce each other to their friends, and they click. Liam, Niall, Zayn, Louis, and Harry. They met and within 10 minutes they were bantering with each other, sharing weed, and giving out lame dad jokes.

They go on lots of little dates, Harry always picking the most random ones. Harry continues to give him useless daily advice from the column. 
They go to his yoga place for a date, because Harry wanted to make sure they “were both bendy so it would be useful when the time arises.”

Louis takes Harry to Disneyland.
“How have you lived in California for 4 years and never been to Disneyland? Are you right in the head?”
They hold hands all day and feed each other cotton candy, and Louis holds Harry on the rides he thinks are scary.
Harry screams on the Snow White ride, which Louis thinks was just an excuse to koala Louis. Who gets scared of an old woman and some crows? This boy is ridiculous.
They watch World of Color and when “So Close” plays, Harry kisses Louis.

You're in my arms, and all the world is calm.
The music playing on for only two.
So close, together.
And when I'm with you
So close, to feeling alive.

And yeah, Louis is starting to feel alive again.

****

"Lou-eehhh! You promised me!" Harry's lying on Louis' kitchen floor pouting like a child. Honestly, why does Louis like him. Harry gets up, huffing and walks over to Louis. He bops him on the nose and says, "I didn't peg you for the kind of guy who'd break his promise." 

"You are so damn petulant. I don't know why I put up with you." 

Harry grins, "Because you like my curls. They're irresistible. You also like my obsession with advice columns. You find it endearing, even if it annoys you." 

Louis can never resist Harry when he's like this. Harry pokes and prods at Louis whenever he wants something, and he looks at Louis with big eyes and a small frown. Louis just giggles and pecks him on the mouth. 

"Fine. This is the first and only time I will ever take you to one of my poetry readings. I hate them. Make me sweat in places I'd rather not." 

Harry wrinkles his nose. "Gross." 

He rolls his eyes at Harry. "Alright, c'mon. Get up. Let's go, I'm always late to these things, and I don't want to start getting a reputation for being a diva."

"What reputation?"

Louis swats Harry. 

"You're a nuisance. I change my mind, you're officially uninvited!" Louis declares. Harry tackles him to the floor, pinning Louis down. They both giggle breathlessly and Louis bops him on the nose.

"I like you a lot, Harry Styles."

Harry beams, eyes crinkling. It's starting to become one of Louis' favorite things. "I like you too, Louis Tomlinson."

Louis is still on the floor smiling, Harry looming over him with his curls ticking Louis' forehead. Harry stares at Louis, pauses before he says, "You're beautiful, have I told you that?" 

"You're lovely. Have I told you that?" Louis replies. He smiles again, always smiling when he's with Harry. 

"Alright, I'd love to stay in this position, but unfortunately we've got places to go and people to see! C'mon let's go you oaf," Louis says as he struggles to get out of Harry's grip. 

They get up, Harry almost falling a few times because of his dumb long legs. 

They walk hand in hand to Louis' favorite poetry cafe even though he hates reading his own poems up there. They mess around in the corner of the cafe until Louis is called up. Harry claps the loudest, with a stupid, stupid grin on his face. His dimples are more prominent when he smiles with all of his teeth and it's Louis' new favorite thing. 

He's- he's fucking nervous. His hands are shaking and his lips are quivering slightly and the spotlight is too bright. And- he starts laughing at himself because he's done this a million times but he feels like its gets more terrifying every time. Because Louis has always loved attention, but never the spotlight. He pulls out the small piece of paper that’s been folded over and over again too many times, and touches the bracelet Harry made him all a month ago. He smiles, a private memory that he tucks away for himself. He looks in the sea of gray faces for the piercing green eyes that are always there and always watching him. He clears his throat, taps the microphone, shoving a hand in his pocket to feel for the dumb charm that Harry makes him keep in there for good luck.

“ Uhm, hello. I'm Louis Tomlinson. This is a something I wrote a while ago. Hope you enjoy it.”

There's a some more applause and Louis looks to Harry again and Harry gives me a thumbs up. Louis smiles. It's the first time Harry is going to hear this poem, and Louis is fucking nervous but Harry is reassuring and there. He's always there for Louis. 

“ To the boy with the two dimples in his back and the mole on his left shoulder;

When the clock hits 3 am, I am suddenly sober despite my drunken haze with the thoughts of you with another. Because the thought of you with someone else that isn't me clears my mind like no other because I know all I want is you. But the burn of not being able to touch you makes me drown myself in alcohol. It is a viscous cycle. Everyday I feel the partition of our souls but I know that the universe was meant for you and I. Because I would search for you in a million different lifetimes if it meant that I could somehow find a life where you and I are together. I read once that the moon tries to pull at anything on the earth in order to bring the earth closer. You are the earth and I am the moon and I will pull on all the strings to have you closer to me, because the galaxies begin to burn when I'm away from you. And I swear to god every time I kiss you the hydrogens in space collide to create a new star.”

Harry's smiling up at Louis, looking so, so proud.

He finds himself wanting to kiss Harry for the rest of his life. 

****

It's on a Tuesday when everything goes crashing down.

Louis and Harry are lying down on his balcony, telling each other stories as they lay beneath the moon and stars. Harry's got his hair wrapped up in a scarf, says its his new thing. His head is rested on Louis' chest as Louis runs his fingers through Harry's curls. He closes his eyes and listens as Harry goes on about the time he caught his head between the spaces of a gate. Louis isn't surprised that something like that has happened to Harry.

"You talk too slowly Haz. I think- I think I'm about to fall asleep." Louis flutters his eyes and pretends to snore. Louis' eyes are closed but he can still feel Harry's grin.

 “I love you," Harry suddenly whispers into his ear.

His entire body freezes and his eyes bug out and he sits up immediately.  His heart feels like its going to fall out out of his chest and his throat is closing in on him. Harry looks scared, as he watches Louis' reaction.
Louis' starting to sweat, and its like everything is happening too quickly. He only met Harry 2 months ago and he's starting to feel terrified again. Tears are threatening to sting his eyes and Louis' breathing is uneven.

“Oh,” is all Harry says. It pains him for Harry to think that, to think Louis doesn't love him in some way but it's all too scary. Louis hasn't been in love since he was 18, and he can't stop thinking about how much Adam ruined him and its too much. It's all too much.

Louis gets up and starts to quickly grab his things, knocking over the books on Harry's desk.

Harry's eyes follow Louis' movements throughout the room before he finally stands up. Louis is nearing the door, when Harry grabs his arm.

“Louis, look at me.” He keeps his eyes locked on Harry's door. Louis needs to leave, he needs to breathe, he needs to just-

He needs to get away from Harry. Louis yanks his arm from Harry, but he just grabs it again.

“Louis,” he says more forcefully. “Look at me.”

Louis gives in and turns around, his heart feeling like its going to give out.

“What?” he says quietly.

Harry takes a deep breath, trying to calm himself down. “Why do you always do this Louis? Please- Please explain to me why you always leave whenever you and I get close to something? I love you Louis, I'm not taking it back because its true. I know you feel something for me too, because you would have left a long time ago. So please, just tell me why. At least tell me.”

Tears are falling out of his eyes, and Louis knows Harry deserves for Louis to at least explain.

“When I was 16, I fell in love with a boy named Adam. He was fucked up. He did drugs, he sometimes disappeared for days without telling me anything, but I loved him with my entire being. He supported me through everything, even when I was writing my first book. We dated for two years, I even moved in with him as soon as I turned 18. I was- I was about to propose to him, I knew we were young, but he was the boy I thought I was going to marry. I came home, had the ring in my pocket, when I heard something from the bedroom. Adam had- he had shot himself in the head. No note, no explanation. I find him dead lying on the floor with a gun in his limp hand and empty eyes. I spent the next year lying in bed wondering where I went wrong. Wondering which parts of me weren't enough for him. It- it broke me. He left me without explaining why. Maybe it's selfish for me to even wonder, because I knew that he was depressed. I just thought- I thought maybe I was helping him. After that, I promised I would never fall in love again. It's too painful I don't want to fall in love with someone again only for them to leave without an explanation or a goodbye. That's why- that's why I'm so terrified of you.”

Harry's silent for a long time. All Louis hears is each other's heavy breathing, can swear he can even hear Harry's heart beat.

“Louis- I didn't know. I'm sorry.”

“It's okay. It's not your fault.”

“Listen Louis. I promise- I promise I won't ever do that to you. I've never met anyone who makes me feel the way you do. I'm just. I promise. I can't- I won't ever do that to you. Just- please don't leave me.”

“But how do you know that, Harry?” Louis shouts. “You- you can't ever know for sure. What if one day you wake up and you don't want to be with me anymore?”

“I won't Louis, I-”

“You never know, though,” Louis whispers. “You can't promise me that.”

Louis opens the door, turning around one last time. “I'm a sad, sad person Harry Styles. You deserve better.”

"I- I remember a while ago I read this advice column? and it said- it said that if you like someone, you wait. but you know what? Then I realized I don't like you. I fucking love you. I love   you, Louis Tomlinson.You. And I dont think I can wait any longer."

"Harry-please. Stop."

 "You're fucking walking contradiction, did you know that Louis?" Harry angrily shouts. 

"Oh am I?"

“You talk about never falling in love and never getting married and sticking to one night stands. But you write like you're in love.”

 "Harry I-"

"Bullshit. What I believe is that you're lying. You put up a front of not believing in all of this, but really its what you want most.”

And fuck. Maybe. 

He leaves.

****

Louis doesn't see Harry for a few weeks. He distracts himself, drowning in alcohol and kissing boys who don't remind him of Harry. He goes out with Zayn and Niall almost every night, and wakes up not remembering the previous night, and Louis feels empty.

Because his heart aches and his lungs aches and even his fucking feet ache. His whole body aches for him when they're not together.

But everything begins to ache less and less as Louis drowns himself more and more. He finds himself not caring.

 ****

“Louis, you can't just keep doing this to yourself! You're killing yourself over this. Please- just. Please go talk to Harry.” Zayn's eyebrows are scrunched up in concern, and Niall is sitting next to Louis with his arms wrapped around him.

“You're killing yourself, mate. I can't watch this anymore. It gets to a point where you need to stop.” Louis only stares ahead. He doesn't want to think.

"Talk to him. At least. It's obvious you love him. Give it a chance," Niall says as he snuggles into Louis' shoulder.

And- okay. He should. 

****

Louis finds Harry at the park. Niall told him that that's where Harry's been going for the past few weeks when he wants to be alone. Louis looks at Harry swing back and forth and fuck.

Louis really really misses him. 

He slowly walks over to where Harry is on the swings and sits down on the one next to him.

"Hey," he says quietly.

Harry looks  up and his eyes are rimmed red. Louis' heart pounds a little bit harder.

Harry turns away from Louis, looking in the opposite direction and it's killing him. He doesn't want to see Harry like this anymore.

"Can we talk Haz?" Louis tentatively puts his hand on Harry's chest. Harry doesn't move away.

"What do you want?" The words are harsh, but Harry's voice doesn't sound cold.

"I'm- I'm here to say that I fucked up. I- fuck. I don't even know how to say this."

Harry still hasn't look Louis in the eyes. "I can't keep pretending I never want to see you again, Harry."

 Harry finally looks up at Louis questioningly. 

Louis takes a deep breath. "Listen Harry, I-  I used to think the color green was stupid but then I met you and now it's my favorite color because its the color of your eyes and it reminds me of you all of the time. I fucking see grass and I'll think of you. Whenever I look at the moon it reminds me of you because it has dimples too. The thought of you has consumed my mind and I don't think I care at all. " 

Harry still hasn't said anything.

"Have dinner with me. And the day after that. And the day after that.  What I'm trying to say is that I want spend every day with you. I don't even want to miss dumb things like breakfast." 

"Actually, breakfast is the most important meal of the day," Harry says quietly.

Louis looks up from his lap and Harry's smiling at him. A real smile with both of his dimples, and Louis thinks his heart starts beating again because Harry forgives him. He forgives Louis, even though he's been such a dick.

"I'm sorry I fucked up so much. I’m scared. I’m really fucking scared. But I want you more than I'm scared, and I think that’s enough.”

Suddenly Harry lurches up from the swing and grabs Louis, kissing him. He kisses him everywhere, his lips first, his nose, his eyelids. And he kisses everything in between. 

He stops, taking a breath. "I missed you, you asshole." 

Louis smiles, poking his dimples. "I missed you too."

"Don't ever do that again. Ever," Harry pleads. 

"Never. I'd miss you too much. Even missed your obsession with advice columns. How was I supposed to survive life without your daily advice?"

Harry giggles and Louis pokes Harry's dimple. 

Louis feels like there are too many words in his mouth. But this time, its filled to the brim with all the words he'll use to tell Harry how much he loves him.