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Bokuto Koutarou wakes slowly, opening his eyes to the sunlight shining in through the sheer curtains. He rolls over, and upon finding another warm body in his bed, he throws his arm around it and tugs it close.
But something is a little strange. Akaashi is usually already gone by the time Bokuto wakes up because he takes morning classes. Unless it’s a gym day, but then Bokuto’s alarm would have gone off.. And there’s no way Bokuto would wake up naturally before Akaashi anyway…
Bokuto groggily sits up on his elbow, wiping the sleep from his eyes. He glances down at Akaashi, and is surprised to find him already awake, blankly staring at the ceiling. That.. doesn’t seem good.
“Akaashi, your class got canceled today?” Bokuto asks.
Akaashi stays silent for a few moments, then shifts and rubs at his face with his hands.
His voice is weak, “No, I just- Couldn’t go.”
Bokuto sits up fully, a worried frown on his lips. He curls over to lay his hand on Akaashi’s forehead. “Oh, are you feeling sick? You don’t feel hot-”
Akaashi pulls his head away, hunching into himself. “No, I’m fine I’m just…” He stops himself.
‘Tired,’ he was going to say. But that isn’t the problem, not really.
The problem is the cocktail of dread, self-loathing, and misery boiling in his gut. The problem is the deep-rooted exhaustion weighing down his body, making the idea of getting out of bed and dragging himself to class just impossible.
The problem is that today is a bad day, and Akaashi can’t find it in himself to pull himself out of it. All he can find is his guilt for being so useless, for being so weak that he can’t even get out of bed for no reason.
Akaashi sighs, “Actually, I’m not… feeling very well today. I just want to sleep.”
He rolls over, away from Bokuto. He can’t even deal with his own self-reproach, how could he possibly bare to face Bokuto’s disappointment as well?
But Bokuto knows Akaashi, he doesn’t need to ask what Akaashi means, and he knows that the worst thing for Akaashi right now is to leave him alone. Bokuto knows Akaashi will only feel worse if he continues to lay in bed all day, beating himself up for it over and over. He probably already has been.
Bokuto slides his fingers through Akaashi’s wild bed-head. It’s a little greasy, but he doesn’t mind. It’s soft.
“How long have you been awake?” Bokuto asks, normally boisterous voice as gentle as it gets.
Akaashi takes a moment to answer, as if he really has to think about it. “A few hours.”
That’s not good. He’s definitely been beating himself up all morning. “Aw, babe, you should have woken me up. I don’t like when you’re alone on bad days.”
Akaashi doesn’t answer this time. Bokuto continues to pet his hair. “Have you eaten anything today?”
“I’m not hungry.”
“I’ll make you something light. You think you could do eggs and toast?” Bokuto gets out of bed, tossing on a t-shirt and sweatpants. He glances back down at Akaashi, “You gotta eat something.”
“...maybe.”
Akaashi doesn’t move though, just stays curled with tense shoulders, staring at nothing. The idea of food is revolting, and the thought of getting out of bed pulls in his chest.
Bokuto’s head pops out of nowhere and blocks Akaashi’s field of vision with a cheesy smirk. “You want your big, buff, sexy boyfriend to carry you?”
A little smile threatens to tug at Akaashi’s mouth, but the temptation to let himself wallow in misery all day wins out. Akaashi just curls tighter, “No, Bo, I just want to sleep-”
“OOPS!! Too late!” Akaashi feels himself get wrapped up in the comforter like a messy burrito, and this time the laugh comes easily. Bokuto hefts him up and carries him bridal style into the living room and sets him gently on the couch, then unswaddles his arms from the blanket.
Bokuto smiles wide at him. “You just sit tight and look pretty while I make you the most incredible eggs you could ever imagine, nay, BEYOND imagination!” Bokuto’s loud, bright voice fills the air while he preps in the kitchen, and Akaashi is able to breathe a bit easier, a bit deeper. “I am frying this egg to golden perfection this is better than a sunrise Akaashi- you can’t wait to eat this!”
Bokuto continues to announce each thing he does in that grand way, andAkaashi smiles fondly, closing his eyes and just listening to Bokuto’s promises of the best meal ever created . It’s sweet, so sweet, how he’s trying to help distract Akaashi from his own mind. To keep him laughing, keep him focusing on Bokuto instead of his poisonous thoughts. And it does work, for a while.
Akaashi thinks about how wonderful Bokuto Koutarou is, and then he thinks about how he doesn’t deserve him, and then that horrible twisting feeling is back, rolling through his stomach, aching in his chest.
Akaashi groans, wrapping his arms around his stomach and dipping his head low, eyes squeezed shut. It hurts . How can something so abstract, so unreal, hurt so badly?
He doesn’t hear the plate clatter when Bokuto sets it on the coffee table, but he feels Bokuto sit next to him, feels him gently pull his hands away from his stomach. Akaashi realizes he’d been squeezing his hands, he can feel bruises starting to form on his sides. He idly wonders if there would be scratches he’d have to cover up.
Bokuto maneuvers them so that Akaashi is halfway sitting in his lap, laying his head on Bokuto’s strong chest.
Depression- what a stupid word. ‘Everybody gets sad.’ ‘Everyone gets depressed, sometimes.’ Akaashi hates it, he hates it. An illness that’s all in your mind, a tumor that doesn’t exist. And yet, it feels so real. It feels physical. It feels unbeatable. It feels like all he can do is struggle everyday, just for it to bring him back down so easily.
It feels like it’s not worth it to fight back. A twist in his chest tears a groan from Akaashi’s mouth, and he hunches into himself.
“Hey, hey, I have you. Focus on me, I’ve got you, Keiji.” Bokuto whispers into Akaashi’s hair, arms wrapped around his waist, squeezing tight. “Is it in your chest or stomach today?”
Oh, but how well Bokuto knows him. Akaashi’s eyes water, voice shaking, “Both, stomach is worse.”
Bokuto takes one hand and brushes the hair from Akaashi’s face, the other rubs his stomach in soothing circles. It’s so soft, so tender, it clashes with the roiling pain in Akaashi’s gut so fiercely that Akaashi can’t hold back the tears. He buries his head into Bokuto’s neck.
Bokuto feels his shirt get wet, feels the tremors as sobs wrack Akaashi’s body. He places a fierce kiss into Akaashi’s messy hair, running his fingers across Akaashi’s nape, moving his other hand to rub circles into Akaashi’s back. Bokuto lets him cry.
Akaashi lets himself cry, too.
He’s done the fucking yoga, he’s tried so many drugs. But his body is weak to them, and the side effects have always been too much. It feels like nothing could ever help, nothing will ever work out. Like he will be miserable forever.
Akaashi knows, rationally, that he’s come a long way. He’s learned to manage his symptoms for the most part, he has way more good days than bad. He knows someday he’ll find a medicine that is actually compatible with his body, something to help keep him stable. Akaashi knows, rationally, that it is worth it to fight.
But somehow those things just don’t feel real. The only things that feel real right now are the pain, the dread, and the self-hatred. Those things feel real, and rational, and Akaashi can’t find his way out of those thoughts.
But Bokuto’s chest is warm, and solid, and Akaashi clings to him until his tears run dry. It doesn’t take long, and it leaves him feeling empty. Hollow. Like whatever was in him that made him himself is gone, leaving only a distant ache.
Akaashi sits up, noticing abstractly that his body is sore, and his head is pounding. He can’t really feel it, though. He feels untethered, like he might just float away and never be able to come back. It’s a bit of a relief, barely feeling anything at all, rather than feeling so painfully intensely like he had moments before.
Akaashi looks at Bokuto’s face, and registers the fear on Bokuto’s face. He realizes then that maybe he should be worried too, but he can’t quite feel it. He bends over and mechanically takes a bite of the cold toast.
The pain that had been etched on Akaashi’s face is gone, but with it, the light in his eyes as well. As much as Bokuto hates when Akaashi is in pain, this dead, empty face is much more frightening.
Bokuto always worries what Akaashi will do when he’s like this.
“I wish you didn’t feel so bad, Keiji. It’s just not fair, you don’t deserve it,” Bokuto says, voice wobbly.
Akaashi sighs, “Yeah well, life’s not fair and then you die.” Bokuto gasps wetly, eyes filling with tears.
Akaashi pauses, feeling a bit less floaty. “I’m sorry, Kou, I shouldn’t have said that. I don’t mean it.”
“It’s scary when you say things like that,” Bokuto whispers, and hugs Akaashi tighter.
“I know. It was a tasteless joke. I’m sorry.”
“I just wish- When I get real bad you always know what to say to bring me back and I just wish… I don’t know how to do that for you but I wish I could.”
“Koutarou,” Akaashi twists to look into Bokuto’s eyes, searching, and finds the strength in his voice, “You do help me. It’s just not- I don’t think I can just… be okay. It’s always going to take time. You staying here with me, talking to me, keeping me grounded, holding me, helping me through everything, does make me feel immeasurably better. It was so, so much worse when I was alone. You don’t always need to say some perfect line to help me. When you’re with me I feel so much better already.”
Akaashi’s eyes drift away, and he continues quietly, “I know people have told you that you’re difficult, but I don’t think so. I think, I’m infinitely more difficult.”
“You aren’t difficult, Keiji. I just wanna be there for you,” Bokuto says, then pulls Keiji to him and kisses him gently. “Hey, hey look at me.” Akaashi’s eyes flick up. “Let’s go on a date today.”
“I’m tired, Kou,” Akaashi pulls away just a fraction, but Bokuto is already starting to bounce.
“I’ll help you get ready, come on! We can go to the new flower garden you wanted to see. And eat seafood afterwards! You can even eat raw oysters and I won’t even make a face even though it’s really gross.” Bokuto nods to himself, trying but unable to hide the disgust on his face even now.
Akaashi can’t help but chuckle, “I don’t believe that last part.”
“Scouts honor!” Bokuto hits himself in the face with an excited salute.
“You weren’t a Boy Scout.” Akaashi smirks.
“But I wanted to be one!”
Akaashi hesitates, “Kou I’m really not.. Feeling up to it right now. I just want to lay down.”
“Babe I know you don’t feel well right now, but you really need to get out today. You’ll feel so much better in the fresh air at the gardens, I promise. We can take a lot of breaks, or we can even just stay in the teahouse at the entrance the whole time if you don’t feel up to walking. But I can’t let you stay at home and torture yourself all day.” Bokuto looks at Akaashi so earnestly, Akaashi can’t win this one.
“You’re right. I know,” Akaashi sighs, then stands and stretches. “Okay, let’s go. But first I need a shower, I feel disgusting.”
“We can take a bath together! And use one of your bath bombs that make the water all glittery and smell yummy!” Bokuto trails behind Akaashi into the bathroom.
Akaashi turns around. “You really don’t need to-"
Bokuto cuts him off, “I want to! I like doing things with you, Akaashi. When you feel good, I feel good. And I also love seeing you naked!”
“Oh, I see, I’m just eye candy for you.” Akaashi chuckles.
“No, you’re my amazing boyfriend who is also eye candy! It’s a bonus!” Bokuto smiles wide. It’s infectious, and Akaashi smiles back.
They spend a long time at the teahouse, exhaustion still heavy in Akaashi’s bones. Akaashi still aches, but it’s a lot harder to actively hate yourself with the sun kissing your skin, the scent of flowers cleansing your lungs, the fresh air deepening your breaths. Akaashi drowns out the screaming in his head with the rushing of the river, chirping of birds, and Bokuto’s gleeful chatter.
He feels good enough that they do walk the gardens together, holding hands, and it’s beautiful. They take a seat on a bench overlooking a field of azaleas. Akaashi looks over at Bokuto, who’s sniffling from pollen allergies. Akaashi smiles, “Thank you, Koutarou. For this. You’re too good to me.”
Bokuto looks over, and his smile is blinding, “No way, I wanna be perfect for you.”
Akaashi squeezes their clasped hands and lays his head on Bokuto’s shoulder. He looks back out at the azaleas.
“You are.”
Today is a bad day, and likely just the beginning of a bad week. However, it’s not the first, and Akaashi knows he can weather the storm. And if he ever needs a little extra help, he knows Bokuto is always there to catch him, and lift him even higher. They’ll face it, and overcome it, together.