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another lonely bus ride home. the lonely feeling creeping back into his heart as he watched the buildings and cars and people who seemed to all be in a hurry. he wondered, where are they all going? how are they feeling? what’s going on in their minds? does anyone ever wonder what goes through his mind? probably not.
almost missing his bus stop, because he fell asleep on the bus again, ten stumbled across the bus to the exit just to almost fall face front to the ground. thank god nobody saw him and the bus already drove off, because if anyone saw him, it would make his day even worse than it already was. but nothing bad happened today, right?
the short walk home made him feel alive for a moment, breathing in the fresh autumn air that mixed with all the dirty smoke coming from the cars passing by.
god he wishes he wasn’t out of cigarettes, because he would really need one right now. the lonely feeling was killing him and he didn’t know what else to do to ease the pain in his chest.
the second he stepped into his apartment, he saw his kitten pluto running towards him, meowing loudly as to welcome him back home from his another long, tiresome day.
the little purring and meowing made ten feel safe and happy, he liked it how loved he felt by his little pet friend.
making himself a sweet fruity tea and taking a new packet of cigarettes from his bedroom drawer, the boy stepped out on his balcony. the cold breeze made his body shiver, but it felt nice.
lighting one of his cigarettes and puffing a white cloud of smoke to the atmosphere above him, he stared at the city streets beneath, hearing the different sounds and songs that were playing in the distance.
the feeling returned once again the second he closed his eyes, trying to fall asleep, but all he could do is cry.
what could he possibly have done in his past life, to have such a horrible karma now? he knew he didn’t deserve to be feeling all this bullshit, but he did, and he still doesn’t know how to deal with it.
johnny still loves him right? he’s still sleeping next to him, giving him a reason to live, right? he’s still waking up earlier than ten, getting up to open the blinds and crawling back to bed to shower his lover with kisses, right? this isn’t just another one of his heartbreaking dreams.....right???
a few days ago ten and johnny celebrated their two year anniversary. the younger decided it would be a great idea to make the most out of the warm spring weather, so he planned out a little picnic in the park next to the busy city and after that surprising his boyfriend with a visit to ten’s favourite museum. at the end of the day, he even gave his boyfriend a beautiful little promise ring, that would make them feel like they’re together, even when they were miles apart, since johnny sometimes had to go out of the city for his business trips.
ten thought he truly hit the jackpot when johnny asked him if he would want to be his boyfriend. ever since that day, ten’s days were filled with genuine smiles and laughter. it was almost like every night he went to sleep, he couldn’t wait to wake up the next day and see the love of his life again. Even when he came home from a tiresome day at work, he would always gain energy the second he saw him. the boy really couldn’t ask for more when he had everything he needed in his life (aka johnny) by his side 24/7.
the 5.30am alarm went off, the bed felt as cold as ever. ten’s head was spinning, eyes again full of tears. the only thing besides little sniffles that were heard from his room, was pluto’s little purrs and meows. it was almost like the small kitten tried to calm the crying boy down. after his tears dried out, ten stared at the little silver promise ring on his right hand, wondering where johnny will be waking up today. he knows he shouldn’t care and that he should move on, but he also knows he really needs a cigarette right now, because that’s the only thing that will calm him down.
ten never really relied on cigarettes so much before, especially when his mornings were still filled with giggles, cuddles and sweet coffee that his old lover made while the younger cooked their favourite breakfast. no, he picked up the bad habit after trying to find something that would fill up the wound in his heart.
tinder hookups never worked for him, especially the ones who easily got attached to him and never stopped calling him, asking if they could meet up again. the hookups made him feel dirty and even lonelier than he already was. everytime he would be getting ready to go on another stupid dinner date with a stranger he talked to for like 20 minutes on a stupid dating app, his mind wandered to johnny, is he doing the same thing as the other one?
after a while ten deleted all dating apps from his phone and soon after that he was standing in front of the counter in the closest convenience store buying three packs of cigarettes and a little carton of his favourite strawberry milk that he drank on his way back home.
johnny and ten have been together for almost a year now and they just moved into a new apartment, in which they would be finally living together. they will now have literally all the time to spend together. to eat every meal of the day together, to watch every tv show ever together in the evenings, wrapped in a shared blanket, eating chocolate cookies and drinking sweet fruity tea. hell, they will even be able to sleep in a shared bed together, every night of their lives.
it made ten so happy to finally take this step forward with their relationship and grow even more as a couple. but what he didn’t know is, two weeks into living in the new apartment, johnny would come back home at around 7.30pm with a big box-like present.
“i’ve got you a little surprise, baby!”. as soon as ten saw the box in his boyfriends hands, hearing little purrs and meows coming from it, his whole body froze and he just proceeded to stare at his boyfriend in awe. johnny quickly took off his shoes and made his way to his shocked lover, sitting next to him on the couch and placing the big gift on his own lap. “do you want to see what’s hiding in there?”
it wasn’t long before ten was sucking up sobs and tears, seeing a little ball of white and grey fur climbing around his lap purring loudly and somehow meowing ever louder. “i thought you’d need a little company for when i’m off to work and you stay at home, all by yourself waiting for me to come back.” said johnny and smiled as he watched his boyfriend play with the little kitten.
but who is ten waiting for to come back now? was he waiting for somebody else, who would make him loved just the way his old lover loved him?
ever since johnny left for the last time, ten felt as if he’s still waiting for him to come back. spending his time at home cuddling with the little kitten, trying to hold back tears. it was hard, because he was stuck in that- at first, his dream apartment where he would live with his dream boy, living his dream life. -but now all that place held was sadness, negativity and a lot of cigarette smoke.
was everything just a big lie? did johnny even ever actually love ten? did he just use him because he was bored? did he plan to end it all from the very beggining?
johnny used to tell ten to rather pick nail polish from his nails than to bite them, it was an awful habit that the younger boy did when he was stressed or frustrated about something. thanks to his boyfriend’s constant reminders, the said boy actually started to care for himself and took time to spoil himself whenever he had time. face masks and (mostly clear) nail polishes became a big part of his life, he liked the way they made him feel better about himself and knowing that on sundays his lover and him would have a face mask party together made him like it even more. unfortunately the good habits didn’t stay with ten for a long time after he was left alone.
“but don’t you think it’s a little bit stupid to be so attached to another human being?”
“i think you should find a way to love yourself first before giving your whole soul to somebody else”
“it’s not healthy to keep holding onto a person who let you go so long ago, why don’t you just move on already?”
he knew everything people used to say to him was true, but he still rather decided to push them away and continued to build this hell of sadness than to seek for help and actually try to move on.
it was a struggle when everything that was around him reminded him of somebody he trusted his life to.
college was hell most of the time, except when taeyong invited ten to one of his another parties where the older eventually met johnny. ten mainly agreed to coming to the parties only because of free drugs and alcohol, but the reasons soon changed when johnny pretty drunkenly bumped into the said boy, making him almost spill his whole cup of some stupid (probably) very strong liquor.
soon after that both of them couldn’t wait for another party just so they could see each other again. yes they were stupid and never dared to ask the other for their actual name nor phone number. that little game went on for probably another month or two, before taeyong aggressively introduced them to one another and made them exchange numbers.
it wasn’t johnny who first texted ten, even though taeyong bet johnny would do it the second he woke up the next day. but the guy apparently woke up in a strange bed with some random woman who he apparently met at the party after consuming a little too much illegal substances the night before. that message broke ten’s heart a bit, but he had no right to be jealous over it, they were nothing more than barely just friends back then.
they started to hang out a lot soon after that, cute little coffee dates with a walk through the park after it, sometimes they only hung out in their apartments watching some dark humor-filled shows or sometimes they just talked about their lives. it felt as if maybe living isn’t just the same day repeating over and over again, as if there was actually something that made him feel even more alive than all those cigarettes and alcohol.
D I S T R A C T I O N.
distraction was all he craved for. he hated it how everyday felt the same, he hated how his life turned out after dreaming so big as a child. he wished he could turn back time to the day he first saw johnny and he would make sure he wouldn’t get involved with him in any way possible, because maybe then, his life wouldn’t be shattered to pieces by some stupid man he fell in love with. he hates johnny, he hates himself even more. maybe his life is just too pointless to keep trying. maybe everything would be prettier if he just *
.
another lonely bus ride home. the lonely feeling creeping back into his heart as he watched the buildings and cars and people who seemed to all be in a hurry. he wondered, where are they all going? how are they feeling? what’s going on in their minds? does anyone ever wonder what goes through his mind? probably not.
almost missing his bus stop, because he fell asleep on the bus again, ten stumbled across the bus to the exit just to almost fall face front to the ground. thank god nobody saw him and the bus already drove off, because if anyone saw him, it would make his day even worse than it already was. but nothing bad happened today, right?