Chapter Text
01 June
It’s around the time that Blaze turns three that Harry decides he wants one of his own. The idea is ridiculous, of course, but he can’t help the sensation of feeling jealous of Louis and Zayn and their sweet domestic life. Harry decides he’s disgusted with himself and shakes the thought away while attending to one of Blaze’s tantrums. He’s skipped over the terrible twos to the-not-my-child threes and Louis’ been in hiding all day.
“Your daddy is awful. Leaving me all alone with you.”
“No! Daddy not awful! Uncle Harry awful!” Blaze argues and Harry’s got this deep frown he can’t wipe off.
“I’m sorry, baby.” He cuddles with him, despite the toddler’s protests. Harry nuzzles his nose against his rosy cheek and kisses him wet and sloppy. “I love my little Blaze, though.”
Blaze sighs in surrender. “Love Uncle Harry.”
Finally, there’s silence in Louis and Zayn’s apartment and Harry can breathe. He recalls his earlier thought and reminds himself that this is why he shouldn’t have a child. Not to mention that he’s incredibly single and barely makes rent with his job at the bakery. Blaze goes off to play with his toys, smashing his toy car against his dump truck and giggles loudly.
Harry hears the lock in the front door click and he knows that Zayn’s finally come home. Great. Now, maybe, Louis will come out of hiding and take care of his child.
“Baba!” Blaze shouts, excitedly getting up to latch onto Zayn’s leg. Zayn smiles, lifting his son up into the air and kisses him hello.
“Was he good?” He asks Harry, holding Blaze against his hip for balance. Harry shrugs, getting up from the floor and moving towards them, petting the thick tuft of light brown hair on Blaze’s head.
“Oh, you know. The usual.”
“Tantrums?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.” Harry’s eyes go wide with emphasis and Zayn chuckles.
“Where’s Lou?”
“Daddy hiding,” Blaze explains and Zayn gives a sigh.
“Wanna go find Daddy? Tell him that I’ll be making dinner soon and he needs to come back to reality.” Of course, the toddler doesn’t fully understand what he’s saying but he’s going to be playing hide-and-seek and he has no arguments against that. Zayn lets the frantic Blaze down and watches as he heads down the hallway, shouting “hide and seek hide and seek” while looking for Louis. It’s an easy find, since he’s been obviously napping the day away since Harry got there.
“Found you, Daddy! Found you!”
“Found me? Yes you did,” Louis’ sleepy voice sings and sounds of giggles and happiness ring about the apartment.
Zayn smiles, and there it is again: Harry’s sudden envy of their domestic life. He sighs, and it must’ve been a loud one because now Zayn’s sights are only on him. “What’s wrong?”
Harry shakes his head. “Nothing. Nothing’s wrong.”
“Bull. I know when my best friend isn’t happy. You do that whole sighing thing and then all you do is pout that puppy face you’re sporting right now.” Harry mocks offense, quickly trying to change his expression.
“Well I never.”
Smirking, Zayn wraps an arm around Harry’s shoulder and they head into the kitchen. “Talk to me? There’s something on your mind and you know it’s better to let it out than keep it building up inside." He’s right, Harry knows he’s right, but he just can’t bring himself to say it.
Before he’s forced into anything, Louis and Blaze make their long waited appearance to the realm of the living and Blaze’s all red in the cheeks from laughter.
“Is Daddy feeling better now that he’s had his nap?” Harry teases and Louis sticks his tongue out at him.
“Dick.”
“Language, Lou.” Zayn warns, but Blaze is in a fit of giggles anyways at Louis’ potty mouth. Zayn moves to their side, playing with the little toes of the toddler and blows raspberries against his exposed stomach. “Daddy is a potty mouth. Bad Daddy.”
“Yeah, bad Daddy,” Blaze reasons, lightly leaving little smacks against Louis’ face.
“Oi, you’re lucky I love you so much,” Louis challenges, peppering Blaze’s face with thousands of kisses and Harry is blissfully domestic-out. He really shouldn’t feel so jealous but he really can’t help it.
Not that there’s anything he can do about it, to be honest.
He still remembers almost three years ago when little Blaze was left on Louis’ front doorstep, a note attached from his mother saying that she couldn’t do this anymore and all rights were given over to him. Louis had been in a fit of confusion, uncertain of what to do with this random baby. He was undoubtedly his though. With those bright blue eyes and hair practically the same cinnamon color as Louis’. Not to mention his incredible streak of bad tempers that Louis’ infamous for. It only took a matter of a couple days for Louis to really feel like taking him in was the only thing he wanted to do with his life.
It put a hold on his acting career though. He told his manager that he wanted to hold off on it till he felt settled enough with Blaze. Of course, three years goes by and he still doesn’t feel comfortable enough to be away from the little one for too long. Zayn was on board almost immediately, which shocked their little gang. Zayn was never one to be willing to have children, especially not since the lot of them were in their early twenties. But he’s been madly in love with Louis since the day they met back in June of 2010 and have been inseparable since.
Seemed only fitting that he took in Blaze as his own. He quickly became Papa and Harry couldn’t be happier for them.
Only, he isn’t really truly, happy with his life.
He’s known for a while how he wishes for change. The idea of acknowledging that he needs change is challenging enough, and Harry keeps telling himself that he’s fine with just being Blaze’s uncle, but he can’t fool himself better than anyone else.
Zayn glances at him and frowns, noticing that same expression Harry had on earlier and he gestures him over to join in on the family cuddle. Harry obliges, smiling halfheartedly while embracing the lot of them, Blaze laughing sweetly.
“Love all of you,” the little one grins and it’s the sweetest thing.
*
Later, Harry’s mulling over his fourth pint of the night and Ed’s rambling off about football, a topic that Harry automatically tunes out of after five minutes. He can’t shake his thoughts from wanting to be a parent and that’s crazy, seriously crazy, because he’s barely twenty-two and who the hell would want to have a kid with him. Not to mention the simple fact that he’s not straight, so either he gets a surrogate mother or he adopts and why in the world is he thinking about this?
Sighing in aggravation, Harry tugs at his hair, and Ed’s finally realized that something’s up.
“Hey, you all right?”
“Yeah,” Harry lies, pushing his tousled hair back in place and drains the rest of his pint. “I’m fine.”
Ed’s unconvinced, asking for another beer before Harry can even protest. “You got a cig on you?” Harry pats his pants and nods, producing a half-empty pack from his front pocket. It’s slightly smashed, but the cigarettes are still straight, a feat that he’s still in awe over. “How can you stuff your pants when they look like they’ve been painted on?” Ed remarks rhetorically. Harry shrugs and they head outside to burn one off.
They share it, passing it back and forth in silence, watching the traffic pass by the hole-in-the-wall pub they frequent on a Friday night such as this. “What’s on your mind?”
Harry sighs, having lost count on how many times he’s actually done that today, and turns towards his friend. “Just a lot of things… Unnecessary things, actually.”
“Talk to me?”
A smirk tugs at his lips, recalling Zayn saying the same exact thing not three hours ago. “You and Zayn just want me to spill all my secrets today.”
Ed laughs at that, and it’s contagious, inducing a rolling hysteric throughout Harry’s body. “Maybe it’s cuz you look so lost. Like a little puppy.”
“Shut up,” he nudges Ed’s shoulder playfully, looking over the edge of the brick wall and flicks ashes off the last of the butt before tossing it to the ground. “Just been thinking about things lately.”
“Like? C’mon, Haz, don’t be a broken record.”
Harry gives in, eyes meeting Ed’s in all seriousness. “I’m really unhappy and it’s finally dawned on me.”
“Unhappy? What for?” The happy lad gestures towards the sky, his arms spread wide as his smile matches the motion. “The world is your playground. We can do or be anything we want! That’s the beauty of us single pringles.” He deserves a laugh at that, and Harry gives it easily. But the moment passes as quickly as it came and they’re back to square one.
“I think I want to settle down.” Harry says after a while and Ed deadpans.
“Seriously?”
“Yeah,” he casually drinks from his pint and stares out at the cloudy London sky.
“Why though? There’s so much time we have to waste on livin’. You really want to give that up?”
“Why not? I’m not really doing anything with my life. I mean, you’ve got something to live for, your music and all. You’d actually make it out there. Me? I’ve got nothing but good friends, a shitty apartment that I can barely afford the rent for, and an even shittier job at the bakery.”
“But you love your shitty job at the bakery.”
“I know,” he pauses, looking down to his worn out boots. “I know, but it’s not enough for me. I need something to need me.”
There’s that deafening silence again and Ed’s at a loss of words.
Harry’s got nothing to give him back either.
“Well,” he pats Harry’s back. “If that’s what you want, I’m going to support ya.”
“Yeah?” Harry glances at him over his shoulder.
Ed gives him the biggest, most genuine smile Harry’s ever seen and there’s a little glisten in his eyes. “Yeah, Haz. If you’re not happy, then go find your happiness. I’ll be here for ya every step of the way. Promise.”
“Thanks, Ed. You’re the best.”
02 July
Finding someone isn’t easy, Harry concludes after making many attempts to get a date. He hasn’t had a relationship in two years, not since Nick, and that was a poisonous relationship. It broke him, made him never want to leave his apartment again. Thinking back on those days, Harry wishes he’d never mope about over someone as shitty as Nick Grimshaw, with his cheating ways and manipulative personality. Since then, though, he’s never truly liked someone as much as he did Nick and that scared him out of his wits.
He thinks, maybe he’ll apply for a surrogate mother, and just raise a child on his own. Relationships, as lovely as they can be, aren’t worth it to him. In fact, he can’t imagine himself being with anyone for the rest of his life and that pains him, but it’s the honest to god truth.
First things first though, he needed to find a better job.
03 August
When Liam calls him one morning, he’s ecstatic, knowing what the call is about.
“Hello?”
“Hey Harry. Got some good news.” Liam’s calm and sensible voice soothing Harry instantly.
“Yeah?”
“You got the job. Are you sure you want to take it though?”
“Never been so certain in my life.”
Liam’s a record producer. One of the top rated, most successful in all of the UK and it’s only a desk job, but being Liam’s secretary is better than the minimum wage he’s been getting being a baker at that quaint bakery down the street from his apartment. It may not be his dream job, but Harry’s content with it come Monday morning. It’s hot and muggy and he feels like he’s just walked out into a sauna, but he’s content and that’s all he needs right now. The whole ordeal is sort of a secret though, since Louis and Liam have a bad past.
He feels a little guilty taking the job, but Liam’s been his friend since high school. The three of them used to be a trio, but when feelings get caught into the mix of friendships, it tends to have a knack to break friendships apart. Harry’s glad Louis found Zayn though. He practically saved his life.
Then Blaze came along and nothing else mattered anymore because Louis’ happy.
His first day on the job is simple. It’s mostly Liam’s assistant showing him the works of everything, where he needs to file the papers going in and out and how to log them properly. Then came time to show him how to set up appointments and Harry is off for his lunch break. Liam joins him.
They head down to the studios cafeteria and Harry gets himself a coffee, a scone, and a turkey sandwich. It still feels weird being somewhere new for work. That whole first day of school type jitters. Liam’s nice though. Very accommodating, asking how his day has been so far and if he likes the job or not.
“No, it’s great. It’s different. I should be careful, cuz I could get fat sitting on my bum all day.”
Liam laughs. “Just bring some healthy snacks if you get hungry. Or maybe we could go to the gym together.” It’s a very reasonable suggestion. Harry used to frequent the gym, when he was with Nick. Always wanted to look his very best for him.
Now, things are different and he recalls the slight flab to his stomach and groans around a mouthful of his sandwich. “God, I need the gym. But the memberships are so expensive.”
“I can bring you with me as a guest. For a month I think?” Liam thinks, tapping his bearded chin pensively. “Yeah, and with your salary, you could easily be able to afford it in no time.”
“Thanks. I’ll think about it,” Harry smiles and they sit there in a comfortable silence, finishing the rest of his lunch.
“How’s Louis?” It’s a simple question, but Harry can tell by the look in his eyes that Liam’s nervous. They haven’t talked for maybe three or so years now. Not since the breakup. It’s not like they couldn’t have become friends again. Not really. Louis just didn’t want any extra drama in his life, especially not when Zayn came around.
Harry shrugs, not sure on where he should start. “He’s good,” he decides on. Keeping it simple and clean.
Liam’s quiet for a little while, gazing out the cafeteria window in thought. Harry distracts himself with a round of Candy Crush before Liam’s speaking again. “I heard he has a son.”
Harry stills, wondering how Liam could’ve heard that. Louis’ not exactly private, but Blaze is precious and he treasures him more than anything he’s ever had. Even more than Zayn. And he has every right to. Makes Harry ponder over if Louis keeps his social media private or not. “Yeah,” he offers, drinking some of his coffee. It’s black, bitter, and it warms his soul regardless of the weather today. “He’s three. Cutest little boy I’ve ever met.” He doesn’t know why he’s even bothering to talk about Blaze when Liam shouldn’t really know about Louis’ personal life, but he’s his friend and Harry’s a proud uncle and he can’t help it.
After a while, Liam nods and entertains himself with a different subject. One that Harry isn’t sure how he picked up on in the first place. “Do you want kids, Harry?”
Looking up from his phone, which has an unread text from Louis, he sighs, resting his chin on his palm. “Yeah. I really do.”
“Even though you’re so young?”
“Yeah. It’s kinda crazy, but I wouldn’t mind if I had a kid show up on my doorstep tomorrow morning. That sounds sort of bad, but like…” He waves his free hand around for emphasis on how much this topic has been looming over him.
“I completely get what you mean. I don’t know if I’d be a very good father though. You and Louis always seemed better fit for parenthood.”
Harry sits up straight in disbelief. “You kidding me? If there was ever a daddy in our little trio, it was definitely you.”
Liam blushes. “You really think so?”
“Well yeah. Always so sensible and responsible. Remember when we went to that party at the McPearson’s and you had to actually carry Louis and me to the car because we kept throwing tantrums cuz we didn’t want to leave? I mean. You could’ve just left us there to regret our irresponsible decisions the next morning, but you didn’t. You took us home, got us out of our day clothes and into our pajamas and made sure we had a glass of water and Advil for the next morning. I don’t think at seventeen that Lou or I would’ve done anything like that. But you. God. You really took care of us. More Louis than anything really, but…” the memory is still vivid. It may have been six years ago, but it really stuck out to Harry. No wonder Louis really loved Liam.
There’s a bright smile on Liam’s face and he’s so happy that it makes Harry feel warm and cozy. “Thanks, Harry.”
“Hey, I’m just being honest. But seriously. Don’t doubt that you’d be a good father when I know you better than that.” He adds before finally reading Louis’ text.
From: Lou-ba-loo
> Can you come over and watch Blaze tonight? Plzzzzz
Harry smiles.
From: Harry
> Sure! What time?
From: Lou-ba-loo
> Five? Is that okay? Zayn wants to go out tonight but I feel bad for asking because I’m sure you’re exhausted from work.
Harry shakes his head, almost like he’s actually talking to Louis in person.
From: Harry
> You know I’ve been craving Uncle Harry and Blaze time. You two go have fun and be in love. I’ve got Blaze handled. :) see you at five.
He pockets his phone; time to go back to work and smiles at Liam, patting him on the back cuz why not. “Thank you again for the job, Li. I’m so grateful.”
Liam returns the grin and nods. “I wouldn’t have wanted anyone else here besides you anyways.”
*
When Harry gets to Louis and Zayn’s the place is a disaster area. Literally, it takes all Harry can give to not freak out about it as much as Louis is, scrambling around, chasing after Blaze with a roll of toilet paper in his hand, flapping behind him.
“For the love of—Blaze! Why are you doing this?!”
“Don’t leave Blaze. Stay with Blaze!” He shouts, giggling as he continues on his rampage.
Upon closer inspection, there’s dishes piled up in the kitchen sink, toys and clothes scattered about the living room—most likely because Blaze likes to streak and throw all his clothes around—and Zayn’s nowhere to be found. Blaze still hasn’t noticed that his uncle has just walked through the door, so catching him is rather easy. Louis breathes a sigh of relief, grateful to Harry for his rescue. He slumps down on the couch, only to quickly stand when he realizes he’s sat on a dirty diaper. “Really?! Oh god, what did I ever do to deserve this?” Louis whines in melancholy.
Harry readjusts Blaze on his hip, offering a small smile to his best friend. “Sorry, love. Having an off day?”
“That’s really an understatement,” Louis scoffs, peeling his jeans off and throwing them in a pile that he begins to build with all of Blaze’s other garments. “Zayn and I really need this night out, but Blaze is making it all the more difficult. You’d think he’d be okay with being away from his parents, but he’s so dependent it’s driving me nuts.”
The statement makes Harry smirk, and he rubs Blaze’s back. “That’s kinda the whole point of being a parent? I think? Maybe. Who knows? I’m not one.” He teases and tries to ignore the hint of sadness he gets from his own comment.
Louis sighs, and gestures to them irritated, “How in the world do you do that?”
“Do what?”
“Get him to be calm with you. He wouldn’t even let me hold him today. He’s been so mad.”
“Daddy’s mean. Blaze mad at Daddy,” he says to Harry.
Harry hugs him, hoping to absorb his cuteness. “Daddy loves you. Uncle Harry loves you. Daddy’s not mean.”
“Daddy’s mean. Put Blaze in time out.” He argues and Harry looks to Louis curiously.
“He got into the stash of toilet paper and flushed it down the toilet. Three rolls of it. Clogged the whole system.” Blaze giggles even though Louis is visibly seething.
Harry gasps at Blaze, a concerned expression directed towards him. “That’s not good, Blaze.” The toddler can’t stand it, feeling sad about Harry being upset.
“I’m sorry.”
Louis nods, reaching for his child and Blaze finally lets him take him into his arms. “It’s okay. Just don’t do it again. Daddy spent twenty minutes plunging the toilet and that wasn’t fun.”
Blaze pouts and nods his head. “Not fun.”
“Nope.”
Harry goes around and starts helping pick up the place. “Where’s Zayn?”
“He had to stay at work late. He should be home any time now.” Louis yawns, growling at his continuously foul mood over his rotten child. “Can’t wait to go out. Just a nice dinner and a movie and Zayn all to myself. It’ll be heaven.” He starts bouncing Blaze on his hip and watches Harry clean up. “Thank you for this, by the way. You’re the best.”
Harry grins wide. “Of course. Like I said, been itching for some time with lil Blaze,” he comes over and tickles the little one, throwing him into a small fit of giggles. “And if I can give you two the night off, then hey, we all win in this situation.” Not to mention that it helps fight the urge to tell Louis how bad he wishes he was a parent, but he really doesn’t need to know that.
Not right now.
“I’m almost done here. I’ll do the dishes and start dinner for Blaze and I and you can go and shower?” Harry suggests and Louis takes the offer immediately.
“Bless you Harry Styles. You’re an absolute gift.” He hands his son over to Harry and skips off to the back of the apartment, presumably to get some clothes before heading to shower. Harry smiles, making kissing noises against Blaze’s forehead before settling him into his high chair. He coos from his perch, slapping the plastic tray playfully. Harry goes to get him a sippy cup of orange juice and dispenses a pile of Cheerios on his tray before he moves to clean the dishes.
By the time Louis is out, Harry’s pieced the kitchen back together and there’s a small pot of macaroni noodles boiling on the stove. Blaze is preoccupied with his mess of Cheerios and some have fallen on the floor but when Harry meets Louis’ eyes, he looks so happy that it doesn’t matter. “Wow. You’re amazing. Maybe I should pay you to be my nanny.”
Harry laughs, throwing his head back and shakes his head. He stirs the noodles and sets the spoon down before facing him again. “I don’t know if I could handle watching him all the time. He is yours after all.” He teases and Louis joins his side. There’s this look to him, one that Harry knows so well as him seeing right through his facades. “What?”
Louis shakes his head. “Nothing, you just seem… distant about something. I don’t know,” he waves it off, hoping that he’s wrong, but Harry knows he’s somehow getting it. “Ever since June. I’m not sure, you’ve just seemed off about something.”
“I’m fine. Really. Just been tired.” Harry shrugs it off, praying that Louis doesn’t continue to pry. He focuses back on dinner, straining the noodles and making the cheese sauce before mixing it up. Harry turns to Blaze with a wide smile. “You ready for dinner? I made mac n cheese.”
“Yum!” Blaze squeals, bouncing in his high chair. “Blaze likes cheese.” Harry can hardly believe he’s just now noticing his speech has improved.
“I know you do, bub.” Harry agrees proudly, serving a spoonful of it in one of his small plastic bowls. He sets it in the freezer for a few minutes and hands it over. “Eat up for Uncle Harry and we’ll go out for ice cream later.”
Blaze’s pretty blue eyes grow and he’s messily shoving the cheesy noodles in his mouth. “Ice cream! Ice cream!”
“What’s this about ice cream?” Zayn calls from the front door and he joins the others in the kitchen. Louis smiles at him, pressing a sweet kiss to his lips in greeting.
“Apparently Harry’s gonna be spoiling our rotten son with sugar tonight. Isn’t he awful?” Harry sticks his tongue out playfully before scooping a spoonful of macaroni into his mouth. He stands at the island counter, watching them exchange pleasantries with each other, and while he’s used to it, somehow it kills him on the inside. Zayn and Louis spot his expression immediately and he quickly tries to cover it with something else, but the feeling won’t go away. “You sure you’re okay?”
“Yeah. Really. I’m sorry guys. Go have fun, kay?” Harry answers, scratching the back of his head nervously. When they don’t move, he starts to lead them towards the front door. “You’re wasting precious Zayn and Louis time!”
O4 September
It’s halfway through the month when Harry makes the absolute decision to seek out a surrogate mother. He isn’t sure how to go about it. He knows that he could apply with one of the websites, but he finds that too impersonal and doesn’t feel right about it. Not that he gets why it matters, but he wants to know who the mother is, just in case his child ever asks where their mommy is. Harry’s intentions are to still stay single, knowing that raising a child in today’s society could be difficult if his kid has two fathers. It really isn’t an issue to him, but right now, he has no one he wants to be with, and if they come along down the road, he hopes they’ll be able to accept his child too.
There’s a lot of things going through Harry’s mind and he’s completely lost train of thought while setting up an appointment for one of Liam’s clients.
“Are you listening? Hello? Anyone there?” The client attempts and Harry’s frantically returning to reality.
“I’m so sorry. What was that again?”
The client sighs. They sound Irish, but Harry can’t seem to remember their name. “I’m trying to figure out when my client is supposed to come in for studio time.”
“Right.” Harry’s got the name pulled up on the computer, his job almost halfway done while he was off in la la land. “Friday at three. Anything else I can do for you?”
“No, thank you.” They hang up and Harry leans back in his chair with a deep sigh.
He really needs to get a hold of himself. This surrogacy thing is driving him bonkers.
It isn’t until September nears its end when Harry finally tells Louis and Zayn what’s been bothering him after all of this time. He sits them down in their kitchen, sounds of Blaze giggling while he plays in the living room almost pulling Harry away from the topic at hand.
Louis and Zayn are looking to him expectantly, terror in their eyes because Harry said it was important they talk and he’s certain from their expressions that they think he might be dying. The idea is almost laughable but Harry wouldn’t purposefully joke about something like that.
“I want to be a father.”
Seconds feel like an eternity and suddenly they’re relaxing, giving a slow laugh as the statement sinks in. Zayn palms his face with a relieved grin pushing the limits of his face. “What a relief.”
“We thought you had cancer or something.” Louis remarks, leaning his head on Zayn’s shoulder lovingly and it’s adorable, but it’s too saccharine and Harry can barely take it.
“Thanks for the vote of confidence guys.” Harry smirks, crossing his arms calmly.
“Well that’s great, Hazza. We’re happy for you but, umm…” Zayn starts.
“What?”
“How are you going to become a parent? You don’t have a girlfriend or anything so, are you going to adopt?” Louis asks for the both of them, Zayn nodding.
Harry knew they were going to ask, but somehow it makes him feel anxious to answer because he doesn’t know where to start to explain himself. “Erm… it’s really selfish, but no. I really want one of my own. I thought about adoption, and I’d love the child lots, but there’s something appealing about it being of my own genes that I guess I just…”
“No, we get it,” Zayn injects. “I mean, sometimes I really wish Blaze was actually my boy too, but, he’s Louis’ and that’s enough for me. But for you, I know you’ve wanted kids for a very long time.”
“Yeah,” Louis agrees. “I wouldn’t put it past you for wanting to have your own. You could adopt one later if you really wanted to, but there’s something special about the child being your own.” He explains.
Louis is staring fondly at Blaze, and Harry’s so so jealous but he so cannot think that way and—“Ugh… I can’t do this anymore.”
“Do what?” Zayn cocks an eyebrow, seriously concerned over Harry’s exasperation.
“Pretend that I’m not jealous. I love Blaze, so very very much. But like… he isn’t enough? It’s crazy, because I’m only twenty-three and I’m really young and I haven’t even started my career or anything, but like… I need to be a parent. It’s so screwed up. I’m so messed up.”
Zayn gets up from his side of the table and scoots in the seat next to Harry and pulls him into a side hug, holding his head against his chest. “Shh… it’s all right.”
The little pitter patter of Blaze’s feet against the tile is all Harry can hear though, and he’s at his side, grabbing at Harry’s big hand, pulling lightly. “Why Uncle Harry sad?”
Reluctantly, Harry pulls away from Zayn’s embrace and looks down to the little one, giving a solemn smile. He brings him up into his lap. “Can I have a hug?” He asks and Blaze is more than happy to comply, wrapping his tiny arms around Harry’s neck, hugging him as tight as he can. Harry closes his eyes, memorizing the way his little body comforts him in the only way a parent can ever understand and he knows this feels right to him. Feeling like a father should, even if Blaze isn’t his, and even if he’s nowhere near having one of his own.
He almost wants to give up this yearning infatuation with having a kid, but try as hard as he must, he really can’t.
He thinks Louis and Zayn are able to see it written all over his face. Their expressions are soft, understanding, and they’re so supportive. Harry still isn’t sure why he waited so long to tell them. Sighing, he lets go of Blaze when he pushes from him. Harry half expects him to climb down and go back to play, but he smacks his little hands against his cheeks and smushes them together, making a fishy face with Harry’s lip. “Love Uncle Harry. Don’t be sad. Blaze want you happy.”
The urge to smile is uncontrollable. He really loves this kid. “Love you Blaze.”
“Love you too,” and he hugs Harry, like his hugs can cure all of his woes, and they almost do, almost.
Blaze climbs down and goes back to attend to his toys while Harry tries to bring himself back to reality. He really forgot that Louis and Zayn are there, but they seem okay with it.
“I think I get why you’ve been so distant these past few months,” Louis begins, a gentle smile caressing his scruffy face. “Have you decided on what you’re going to do? Are you really sure that this is what you truly want right now?”
There’s no hesitation in Harry’s answer. “Yes. I’m one hundred percent on this.” He squeaks and clears his throat, passing a nervous grin. “I’ve thought a lot about this. I’m going to find a surrogate mother. I just don’t know where I should look. I don’t want to do the online process, that’s too… I don’t know, anonymous? I want to know who the mother is.”
“I get that. You want to make sure if your child ever asks who their mum is then you’ll have an answer. Whether or not you choose to give the mother that option. But… did you want to already know the mother or?”
“I think so?” Harry answers timidly. He shrugs. “I have someone in mind. A girl I knew in uni. She was my study partner in most of my musical theory classes.”
“Kate?” Louis suddenly recalls and Harry’s nodding. “Wonder how she’s been. She used to be really good friends with Eleanor. Always at the apartment whenever she’d come over.” Zayn goes silent, and Harry knows that look. Acknowledging Blaze’s biological mother has always been a touchy subject for him. The circumstances around her weren’t really the best ones. Louis almost doesn’t catch the fact that Zayn’s gone quiet, until he does, and he’s reaching his hand out to grasp his.
It takes a moment, but Zayn squeezes back, a small smile present.
Nodding, Harry tries to move the topic forward. “Yeah. She was always really pretty and nice. Super smart too, very musically inclined. I mean, good traits. If I wasn’t gay then…”
“Yeah. I know. But hey! Maybe she’d go for it. Ring her up!” Louis encourages.
Harry’s grateful. Seriously so. These two have been his rock for the past three years and he couldn’t have asked for better friends.
*
Three attempts at calling Kate and Harry hangs up before the line can even ring. He’s too scared to do it. Who just comes out of nowhere after years of not talking and asks “hey, want to be my surrogate mother?” no one. That’s who.
Harry sighs for the sixteenth time that day—yes he’s been counting and it’s pathetic but whatever—and builds up his courage for the fourth and final time, he promises himself. He’s going to ask her to have lunch. That’s it. Just lunch. Then he’ll go from there when he sees her in person.
He rings her up, waiting on the line this time and breathes calmly. She answers on the fifth and final ring.
“Hello? This is Kate.”
“Hey Kate, its Harry.”
“Harry?” she pauses for a moment. “Oh! Harry! Hello darling! How have you been all these years?” She sounds ecstatic and Harry’s feeling pretty positive so far.
“Great. You?”
“Oh you know, been busy with work, but that’s nothing new.” She laughs and Harry mimics it, happy that she’s happy.
“Hey, you uh, you still in London?”
“Bromley, actually. Why?”
“Wanted to see if you wanted to meet for lunch. Maybe catch up?”
There’s literally zero point one seconds before she gives her answer. “Definitely! Gosh. Is it weird if I say that I’ve been thinking about how you’ve been lately?”
Harry smiles, shaking his head. “No, definitely not when I’ve been doing the same about you.”
He can hear her smile and it warms him. He hopes and prays she won’t be weirded out when he talks to her about this. She was never one to really want kids, but they have history. A long one that he’s not willing to remember right now.
“So, where did you want to meet up? And when?”
05 October
It’s the fifth of the month and Harry’s standing outside, hands tucked into his petticoat pockets and he’s beginning to be able to see his breath. England needs to not be cold, especially since it was pretty warm not two weeks ago.
After talking to Kate last week, they agreed to meet at a restaurant Kate had mentioned she wanted to try. Hawksmoor Spitalfields. He’s surprised that it isn’t too far out of the way for him, but for her, it’s at least a forty minute drive. At first, Harry protested, said they’d find somewhere closer, but Kate insisted. Argued that she needed an excuse to come to London anyways.
So he waits patiently for her, rocking back and forth on his heels, wearing his already worn out boots and he’s finally spotted her. She’s still as pretty as the day they graduated. Her wavy dirty blonde hair swishing back and forth while she walks forward confidently, her smile unwavering. Harry pulls her into a hug upon her approach and she sinks into the embrace easily.
“Wow! You’ve gotten so much taller,” she remarks, pushing her sunglasses up on her head to look him over with her golden brown eyes.
“You’re just as beautiful as I remember,” Harry compliments, taking her hand casually and they head inside.
“Hello sir,” the hostess greets with a plastic smile. “Reservations today?”
“Yes, Styles.”
She looks down at her paper and nods, grabbing two menus and leads them to their table. Harry and Kate take their places with ease and smile brightly at one another. It’s strange. Harry’s always thought that if he were straight, Kate would be exactly his type and that idea is still very out in the open to him. Since uni though, he’s no closer to being attracted to girls in that way than he is attracted to a cactus.
Kate’s still gorgeous though. Absolutely stunning, and Harry really can’t believe he’s going to ask her what he’s planning on asking.
They’re a couple hours overdue on how long they figured they’d be spending at the restaurant, but Harry doesn’t mind. Neither does Kate it seems. They’re getting on famously well, just like how things were back in uni. Except this is different. Conversation is light, but it’s refined, and filled with actual pieces of information they can both relate to. Back then, kids just tried to relate to each other.
Things are far more mature than they used to be.
Harry figures, maybe he can approach her about the subject of children. Just to test the waters. “Can I ask you a personal question?”
Her eyes light up. “I’m all about personal. What’s up?”
“I’m not sure if we ever talked about this when we were in university, but what’s your take on children?”
Kate's eyes point up at the ceiling in thought. “Hmm… Well, I think that they’re wonderful. We were all kids at one point, right? I’m not sure if I’d want to have one of my own though. I don’t know. Never really thought about it too much if I’m being honest.”
Harry pulls his phone out and shows her a picture of him and Blaze. They went to the park and he got grass stains all over his shorts, but it was okay and they enjoyed ice cream afterwards so no big deal there. The big deal though, is the look on Kate’s eyes as the image processes in her head.
“Is he yours?”
It’s flattering, but he shakes his head quick on the reply. “No, sometimes it feels like he is, but,” Harry stares at the picture, smiling brightly. “But he’s Lou and Zayn’s. Well, technically Lou and Elle’s.”
Kate’s eyes grow bigger than before and the puzzle suddenly pieces together in an instant. “Th-That’s Blaze?”
Harry nods.
“Gosh, he’s so big. How old?” She leans forward on the table to try to see more pictures. Harry flicks to one of him, Louis, and Zayn and Kate can’t stop the growing grin on her pretty face.
“He’s three. Turns four on the eighteenth. He’s the best.”
Slowly, Kate sits back down in her seat. “You don’t sound so genuine when you say that though.
“You caught that?” Harry chuckles sheepishly, scratching the back of his head and readjusting his long hair. “No, I really mean it. I love him so much. Love being his uncle, but…”
“I see.”
“Yeah…”
“Well, why don’t you adopt?”
Harry meets her eyes and explains his side of it, without as much emotion as he had at Louis and Zayn’s but enough so that she could really understand his cause. By the time Harry’s done giving her everything he can, she’s quietly thinking about what to properly say. Harry’s scared she’ll reject the idea he has of finding a surrogate mother. Maybe say that he’s selfish or too young, or both. Or maybe just completely write his need to be a father off and tell him to find some new dream because he shouldn’t want to have anything to do with a child at their age.
To his surprise she doesn’t say any of these things.
The mature, intelligent, very analytical Kate looks to him like he’s the sweetest thing she’s ever seen and reaches out her hand to squeeze his tenderly. “Ask me.”
“What?” He can’t believe it. Did he hear that right?
“Ask me,” Kate insists, her smile never faltering.
“Kate, will you become my surrogate mother?” He feels weird asking, but there’s this huge weight lifted from his shoulders, because she looks just as serious about this as he is.
“Yes.”
*
“So I met with my lawyer the other day.” Harry says over preparing the party favors with Zayn. Louis is in the back room, getting Blaze ready for his big day. The idea is still crazy that today, their little Blaze is finally four and wow, next year he’ll be going to preschool. Louis keeps saying that those are bad words and they don’t use them in this house but Harry only laughs at him and waves it off.
“Yeah? How’d that go? Kate agreed to you having custody and what not?”
“Mhm,” Harry ties the little bowstring around the plastic baggy and moves onto the next, placing the treats inside carefully. “Still can’t believe she’s been so… easy about this.”
“It’s kinda crazy, but she’s sounds like she’s a really intelligent girl.”
“Kate’s always been a sweetheart,” Harry adds to the mix. “Sometimes I wonder why I’m so gay that I can’t even see her like that.”
Zayn laughs loudly, throwing his head back in hysterics. He can barely hold it in, having to grasp his side from laughing too hard. “Oh god,” he wipes a tear from his eye.
“That wasn’t even that funny,” Harry pouts.
Zayn places his hand on his shoulder and eyes him. “Harry, you’re acting like being gay prevents you from being in domestic bliss with someone.”
He shrugs his hand off, continuing his work and trying to focus his attention on the party favors. “Maybe I don’t want to be with someone.”
“Bull. I know that you want that almost as bad as you want your kid. Which, I’m proud of you for, by the way. We both are.” He’s referring to Louis, who’s rounding the corner with a very well dressed Blaze giggling in his arms. Upon sighting Harry, his chubby little fingers make squishing gestures, a signal they’ve come to learn as wanting something.
Louis lets him down to run over to his uncle and he wraps around Harry’s long leg. “Hi Uncle Harry.”
“Hi birthday boy,” he sings, squatting down to his level to poke the tip of his nose gently. “How old are we today?”
Blaze puts up three fingers and Harry shakes his head as he says, “Four.”
“Well, no one said you were the best at counting,” Harry smiles, kissing his forehead. “Wanna help uncle wrap party favors?”
“Wrap! Wrap!”
Harry had asked Zayn and Louis if he could invite Kate to the party. It’s small, just them and a few friends and close family. There really hadn’t been an argument about it, but Harry wanted to make a point to say that she’s a very important piece in his life right now and he wanted her to experience things in his life. With Blaze being the biggest inspiration for him to be a father, it seemed fitting.
Louis laughed, and Zayn patted Harry’s cheek like a doting parent. “Oh Harry. We would’ve said yes, but thank you. That was sweet of you.”
He was embarrassed to say the least, but didn’t allow himself to falter.
Kate’s smiling, watching as Blaze unwraps his presents joyfully, the wrappings billowing out around him. Harry nudges her side and grins, receiving a mimicked reaction from her.
The whole party is easy and fun and everyone loves Kate. Not everyone knows what she really is to Harry other than a friend, but those are things that are on a need to know basis.
Louis brings out the birthday cake and Blaze claps, impatiently bouncing around next to Zayn at the table. He really just wants to blow out the candles but everyone wants to sing to him, so he tries to sit still. The birthday song is sung and Zayn helps Blaze stand on his chair so he can breathe on the candles. Everyone cheers and claps and Blaze is the happiest kid in the whole wide world.
“He’s beautiful.”
“Yeah,” Harry agrees, watching the little one smash his hands into the cake.
“I can really see why now. He’s so… inspirational. I can tell.” Kate’s eyes are on Harry now and he feels a bit bashful. “I’m really happy you’re doing this, Harry.”
“I’m happy you said yes, to be honest,” he admits.
They chuckle softly. It’s subtle, but there’s this look in her eyes that melts Harry and he doesn’t mind when she hooks her arm around his and leans on his shoulder. “I just want you to be happy, Harry. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”
*
Harry watches as Louis dresses Blaze in his Halloween costume. He wanted to be a vampire this year—thanks to Uncle Harry because he went on a vampire movie marathon while Blaze was pretending to sleep and since then, the little bugger has only been interested in having little fangs to bite things. Louis was not happy. Blaze growls up at Louis after his black waistcoat is buttoned up, clawing his fingers in the air.
“No, vampires don’t growl. They hiss.” Louis explains.
“Blaze, look,” Harry grabs his attention, big, bright blues gazing at him in wonder. Harry stands tall, curling his long fingers and hisses, hoping he’s coming off as intimidating and then with his fake cape, he covers half of his face, green eyes leering at him darkly. “I vant to suck your vlood!”
Most kids might—keyword, might. Harry’s as scary as a terrified kitten—have been scared by this, but not little Blaze. Nope. He’s a trooper and throws himself back on the floor in a fit of giggles. Harry retaliates, crouching down to tickle him crazily. “Uncle Harry! No!” He squeals, ecstatic from the attention. He really loves being tickled, so easy to keep happy.
Louis smiles as he watches their familiar exchange. “Did you invite Kate?”
“Nah. She’s got work so I’m just going to tag along with you and Zayn and this little monster, ha ha ha!” Harry answers, growling playfully, continuing to tickle Blaze. He then sits back up, crossing his legs and helps Blaze stand, straightening out his costume. He catches sight of one of his toys and quickly goes to it, entertaining himself while Louis and Harry sit around and talk easily.
“I’m sure Blaze will enjoy having you trick or treat with him. Gonna be a cat again this year?”
“Thought about it,” Harry muses, his dimples on display with his curving lips. “But I’ll go as a werewolf. Compliment this one quite nicely.”
“Rawr.” Blaze growls, making his stuffed lion fight with his stuffed lizard.
They chuckle at him. “Hey, so um. I didn’t mention this at the party but…” Louis pauses, looking nervous for some reason. Harry’s confused. “I just… doesn’t Kate seem a bit too fond of this birthing your child thing?”
Harry’s taken aback, quirking an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”
“Well, she’s very close to you. Not like, friendship wise, but physically. I was watching the way she looked at you at the party and she looked too fond of you. Like, fancy fond and she did have that crush on you in uni and—”
“Stop right there. We don’t need to dig up the dead.”
Louis scoffs. “Oh c’mon. Why would she agree so easily to this surrogacy? Think about it.”
“I don’t want to think about it, Louis. The fact that she agreed is blessing enough for me. She knows the terms. It’s in a binding contract. I’m not in it to be with her like that. As selfish as that sounds. She hasn’t even been inseminated yet, so…”
“Exactly. Makes it easier to walk away from this before it gets messy.” Louis bites back and Harry’s appalled.
“We are not having this conversation right now.” He gets up, storming out of Blaze’s room to head to the kitchen. It’s half three, so they have a little while before they go out to trick or treat. Harry really needs to get out of here, he can’t do this. Not right now. Not when he’s so close to having what he really wants.
Louis chases after him, though, like Harry expected. He’s in mid reach for his keys when Louis stands in the space between the door and the open kitchen. “Don’t shut me out, Harry. You know I’m not a dick for no reason.”
“But you’re being one on a subject that’s serious right now. I can’t have any doubts. I need to do this.”
“No. No you don’t.” Louis argues pointedly. “You really want a kid? You’re absolutely positive that you can handle one?”
“Of course. I take care of Blaze all the time.” Harry reasons.
“That’s different.”
“Not really.”
Louis cocks an eyebrow, curious to hear Harry fight him on this. He crosses his arms and gives a half smirk. “Oh? You really think so? You’ve watched him during the day, for every day since day one, but that’s nothing compared to the countless nights of sleep Zayn and I have lost because he was hungry, or soiled himself, or was teething, or had a nightmare.” He sighs, running a hand through his hair. “You didn’t have to go through the loss of your whole entire career because a child was dropped on your front porch. You have time. You can wait. You’re just rushing into this stubbornly because you’re lonely. And for what? Don’t tell me that you’re still broken up over Nick. God knows you shouldn’t bring a child into the mix all because you’re lonely. That’s not even a reason to want a kid, Harry. You don’t have a stable career, you live in an apartment unfit for a child, and you don’t know the first thing about really being a parent.” Louis’ counting the reasons off on his hand and Harry is astounded that this conversation is happening. It’s like talking to his mother about something he shouldn’t be doing. But he knows this is right, knows it’s right for him. “Be rational about this.” His voice is pleading at this point, but it barely fazes Harry.
All he feels is anger.
“Fuck you.” Harry’s fuming, grabbing for his keys quickly. “How dare you question my decision.” He pushes past Louis and reaches for the doorknob. He looks over his shoulder and glares. “And fuck you for bringing Nick up. Such a supportive best friend you are.”
“I’m just trying to help you, Harry!” Louis shouts but Harry’s already gone out the door and shut it behind him.
Sighing, he goes to leave but pauses when he hears Blaze’s voice behind the door.
“Where’s Uncle Harry?”
“Oh,” Louis breathes. “He went home to grab his costume. He’ll be back later, kay bub?”
“Kay!”
“You excited to go trick or treating?”
“Mhm. Watch vampires?”
Harry can’t stand to hear them right now. It only makes him feel like more of a jerk about this whole situation, but Louis just doesn’t get it. Maybe at one point he did, but not now. So what if Kate liked him back in university? That doesn’t mean that she still feels the same way. No matter what, the child is his and only his and she knows he can’t actually be with her like that, so why would she bother?
Getting in his car, he presses his head against the steering wheel. Harry tries not to think about it, lights himself a cigarette that he had tucked under the visor and drags on it hard.
It’s not enough to drown out his thoughts, but it’s enough to calm him.
*
Harry comes by later that evening, settled enough to join them for the night. Louis hadn’t apologized, but he texted to make sure he was still coming with them. Harry’s still mad at Louis, doesn’t want to give him the time of day, so he reminds himself that this is for Blaze.
The second he’s through the door, Blaze is wrapped around Harry’s leg and he nuzzles his nose into his fur covered pants. “Missed you.”
Harry leans down and ruffles his hair gently. “Missed you too, bub. You ready to go get some candy?”
“Candy! Candy!” He shouts excitedly, dancing around the small entranceway of the apartment.
Zayn appears in the hallway, dressed in some sort of zombie groom get up and Louis’ quickly at his side, wearing a similar outfit. “That again?” The question is directed towards Zayn, who seems oblivious to Harry and Louis’ fight.
“Hey, we didn’t have much to spend on new ones. Blaze’s party kind of drained our accounts.”
Harry feels bad. “Why didn’t you tell me? I would’ve tossed in some money and helped pay.”
“With what extra money you get from your job at the bakery?” Louis remarks smartly and Harry glares, biting his tongue because he still hasn’t mentioned his job at the recording studio with Liam. He sometimes gets guilty about it, but right now he could care less.
Harry rolls his eyes and turns his attention to Blaze. “All right, go get your pumpkin and we’ll go, okay?”
“Okay!” Blaze jumps up to go get his candy basket.
“Hey, did you two have a fight?” Zayn whispers to Harry, watching as Louis leads Blaze up the steps to a house. They can hear the small “trick or treat” he sings.
Harry shrugs. “Yeah. Kind of a stupid one, but not?”
“Not sure I’m following.”
“We can talk about it later.”
“Am I going to have a crying Louis in my bed tonight? I don’t think I can handle that,” Zayn teases, but Harry knows he’s partially serious. Sighing, he shakes his head.
“No… I’ll talk to him before I leave. It really was sort of stupid. He’s not… he thinks that Kate’s doing this whole thing because of feelings she might still have for me and Louis’ just scared I’m making the wrong decision.” Harry’s been thinking about this whole debacle the entire hour and fourteen minutes they’ve been out and he’s had enough time to mull over it. “I kinda told him to fuck off because he basically told me I’m not old enough to consider being a parent.”
Zayn’s silent, and Harry knows it’s because he’s thinking about it too. Harry’s half-scared he’ll say the same thing too. “No… I don’t think you’re making a bad decision. I mean, no one really knows they’re ready to be a parent till they are one. But I know that you aren’t stupid. Sometimes you act that way…”
“Heyyy.”
“It’s true and you know it. Yet, you also know what’s good for you and what’s not. You’re eerily more mature than Louis and I and you’re so good to Blaze that I can’t not see you being a dad. Louis’ just looking out for you.”
“He always has,” Harry admits, looking down at his wolf feet. “Don’t worry, though. I’ll sit him down over a bowl of weed and he’ll be just peachy.”
Zayn’s rolling in laughter. “That’s irresponsible. But maybe I’ll allow it just this once.” He breathes easily, shaking his head. “Man, it’s been a long time since I’ve been high.”
Harry nods. “Been a long time since any of us did anything with just the three of us. When was the last time we sat around a bong and shot the breeze?”
“Hmm,” Zayn thinks about it and lights up when Louis and Blaze return. “Hey babe. When was the last time we got high?”
Louis’ eyes widen and he instantly covers Blaze’s ears. He doesn’t need to know what this kind of stuff is at his age. “When we named Blaze.” He says simply and quickly ushers the child away to the next house.
Then it hits Zayn and Harry and their saying an exaggerated “ohhhhh” in remembrance.
“Did we seriously forget that Blaze was named while all three of us were high and thought it’d be cool to call him that?”
“Haha blaze it.” Zayn smirks to the stars. “I distinctly remember the little bugger smiling when Louis called him Blaze. So it wasn’t entirely irresponsible, yeah?”
“Maybe not, but seriously fucked up.” Harry laughs.
Hours later, Harry knocks on Louis’ bedroom door. He just put Blaze to bed and Zayn went to take a shower, so that gives them the perfect opportunity to talk. “Hey.” Harry whispers and Louis looks up from his book, his glasses sitting on the dip between the bridge and tip of his nose.
“Hey.”
“Can we, uh… talk?” He’s anxious, uncertain on whether or not he should come in. Louis nods, pats the spot on the bed next to him. Harry climbs up next to him, crossing his legs and looking patiently to his best friend. “I’m… sorry.”
“I’m sorry too.”
“No, you were… you had every reason to act like you did.” Harry starts, bowing his head. “I’m sure this whole thing sounds crazy to you and you’re just wondering why I’m not being patient on parenthood.”
“Sort of,” Louis puts his book down on the nightstand along with his glasses and passes a small smile to him. “I just know that when I got Blaze, I was so scared. So nervous because what was I to do with a baby? I had barely graduated from uni and Zayn and I were nearing our first year together and it was just something I never expected to happen. Eleanor was a complete twat and I’ve still never heard from her, but it was my mistake to have had that one night stand with her. A beautiful mistake might I add because Blaze is an absolute treasure and I couldn’t have asked for a cuter son.” He pats Harry’s knee. “I’m just saying that I want you to be careful. I know you don’t want to think about anything more than you becoming a father but protect yourself. Kate’s got me nervous and I’m going to keep my eye on her,” Harry rolls his eyes. Louis squeezes his knee for emphasis. “Hey, but I won’t stop you from doing this. I’m here for you.”
That was… relatively easy and Harry’s almost surprised, but he isn’t and he’s hugging Louis because he’s literally the best and he’s stupid for being a jerk about earlier. “You’re the best, Lou. Thank you. Love you.”
“Love you too, Hazza. Now go home. It’s getting late. I’m sure you have plans to get drunk with Ed tomorrow and you need your beauty sleep.” Louis jokes.
Harry laughs lightly. “All right. I’ll text you tomorrow though. I want pictures of Blaze stuffing his face with candy.” He says as he’s heading out of the bedroom towards the front door.
When he gets in his car, his phone goes off.
From: Lou-ba-loo
> Do not allow my child a sugar rush. Danger zone.
Harry’s grinning a mile as he flits his thumbs across the screen, sending it quickly before starting the car.
From: Harry
> Don’t deprive him of the good things in life. Btw, haha blaze it. Winter of 2011, never forget.
From: Lou-ba-loo
> Oh god. You’re terrible. Don’t remind me. xx night drive safe.
06 November
Kate’s nervous. Harry’s anxious. They’re just one big mess of anxiety in Harry’s car on the way to the doctor’s. Today they find out if the insemination worked and if she’s pregnant or not. Fingers crossed.
He holds her hand on the way into the building, keeps his grip firm and supportive. It’s not just for her though, mostly for him. This is his baby and he hopes and prays it went as planned. Of course, he knows that it may not have worked and that they’ll have to try again, but he’s optimistic.
Thirty minutes into being there and Dr. Hammett comes back with the results. “Well, I’ve ran all the tests I can and it doesn’t look like—”
“Wait,” Harry stops him. “I get it. It didn’t work.”
“No, Mr. Styles. She’s pregnant,” the doctor explains, his tone firm. There’s this huge rush of relief that shoots through Harry’s body and he finally relaxes, looking to Kate gratefully. She smiles at him, the happiness bright in her eyes. “I was going to say that it doesn’t look like she’ll have any complications.”
“Oh,” Harry breathes, sinking into his seat and reaches for Kate’s hand. He needs this support. It’s almost like he’s the one that’s pregnant and he just wants to hold his child now, but that’s far off in the future. “Wow. Sorry for assuming. Just been so nervous about this whole thing.” He gestures around and Dr. Hammett nods.
“Perfectly normal. Well, if you have any questions?”
“No, we’re good for now.” Kate answers. Looking over to her, she seems anxious to get out of here.
“All right. You’ll have monthly check ups, just to make sure everything’s going well. You two are very lucky. Not everyone gets pregnant off the first insemination.”
“Wow.” Is all Harry can express once they’re in the car. “I can’t… I’m going to be a father.”
“Yeah,” Kate muses, staring out at the outside world. “I’m really happy for you.”
Harry nods, starting the car. “Thank you. Really. Thank you for doing this. You’re such a wonderful person.”
“Like I’ve said before, I just want you to be happy.”
*
“She’s pregnant! She’s pregnant!” Harry exclaims the moment he enters Louis and Zayn’s apartment. Louis’ in the kitchen, attending to a pot of boiling noodles and Blaze is on a rampage with his toys in the living room. He’s got all of his things set up like a town and he’s rolling through it like a monster and it’s absolutely endearing.
“She’s pregnant?” Louis repeats and Harry’s nodding excitedly.
“I was so scared, Lou. I mean, Dr. Hammett was going to say that she doesn’t look like she’ll have complications but I thought he was going to say that she’s not pregnant and I sort of blurted it out and got all sad but. But that doesn’t matter because I’m going to be a father.” Louis smiles and brings Harry in for a hug.
It’s a lengthy embrace and Blaze is looking up at them curiously. He decides he wants in on the hug fest too and runs over to hug Louis and Harry’s legs. “Blaze wants to hug, too.”
They’re chuckling and Louis leans down to pick him up and join in on the group hug. “I’m really happy for you, Harry. Immensely.”
“Can’t wait to tell Zayn. When’s he getting home?”
Louis steps back, holding Blaze against his hip. “Gosh you’re getting so big,” he remarks, looking to his son with a grin. “Soon Daddy and Papa won’t be able to hold you anymore.”
Blaze shakes his head and wraps his little arms around Louis’ neck, nuzzling his face into his shirt. “Hold Blaze forever, Daddy.”
“All right, Blaze. I’ll hold you for as long as you want. Only if you hold me when I get old and frail.”
“Daddy isn’t old.”
“Not yet.” He coos, glancing back to Harry. “He said he’d be late. Probably won’t be home till after I’ve put this one to bed. If you have plans tonight then I’m sure it can wait?”
“Yeah,” Harry agrees, scratching his arm casually. “Just really want to tell him.”
*
They’re in their usual spot outside at the pub. It’s getting cold out, but Harry and Ed have become accustomed to London’s chilled air to not mind it. Even if there’s a thousand goose pimples all over their bare arms.
Ed pats Harry on the back, smiling proud. “Can’t believe you’re really going to be a father. Congrats Harry.” He’s nodding, sipping greedily on his pint and gasps, refreshed. “Have you thought about names yet? Do you want a boy or a girl?”
“I haven’t and I don’t care cuz I’ll love them anyways.” Harry answers.
“So…” Ed trails, giving Harry a sideways glance. “Kate’s pretty fit, yeah?”
“She’s pretty.”
“No. I mean…”
Harry sits up straight. “I-I don’t think that about her. She’s gorgeous yes, but I’m just not attracted sexually.”
“Didn’t she like you back in uni?”
Harry nods, he’s quiet. He’s not really up for having this conversation, but it’s Ed. He’s not trying to be vindictive or really mean anything by it. “Yep. I hate to admit it, I really do, but… it was the reason I avoided talking to her after graduation.” He watches the passing cars, opening his pack to retrieve a cigarette. He doesn’t light it though. Ed takes the stick from him and lights it, the little flicker of orange and red brightens his face for a moment before it’s dark again. He takes a drag of it and passes it to Harry. “It was just getting too hard for me to stay her friend when she kept wanting more. I wanted to give her what she wanted, I really did.” He blows smoke out to the cold air and sighs. “But I just… couldn’t be with her like that.”
“So, what made you think asking her to be your surrogate mother was a good idea for you?”
Harry shrugs. “I really don’t know for certain. Maybe because I didn’t think she’d say no? Which is bloody awful of me, because she’s going to pop that little one out and never be called mom.”
“She could. If you ever wanted that.”
“I don’t know if I do.”
“Well, Harry. I’m not sure what to say. But if you need someone to distract her, I’d be more than happy to volunteer.” Ed offers and Harry’s all smiles.
He scoffs, “You just want to date her.”
“And what’s wrong with that, huh?”
He has a point there. Maybe it wouldn’t be a bad idea after all to get them together.
07 December
Christmas morning is huge in the Tomlinson-Malik household.
They all meet up at Louis’ mum’s house, preparing to celebrate the happiest time of the year and Louis’ twenty-sixth birthday. Except, something’s missing and its Blaze’s adoptive papa and Harry’s worried that Louis isn’t taking this well. “Louis, sweetie, can you help me chop these carrots?” Jo is calling from the kitchen and Louis passes Blaze over to Harry, an apologetic look in his eyes before he gets up and goes to help her.
He’s off kilter. Knows how depressed Louis is right now, doing his best not to show it. Zayn will be there later, but work is always keeping him late and it’s hard for them. Harry doesn’t know how they do it, to be honest. If he was with someone and had to spend all day with his little one and needed that extra hand, he’d probably go crazy. Makes him sort of wonder how he’s going to survive as a single parent. He’s certain that his mum will be there or Gemma. He just hasn’t told them yet.
The thought is too scary for him to think of.
So when Anne and Gemma enter the Tomlinson’s house, he’s suddenly startled. “Geez mum! Scared me.”
“Oh, you’re such a baby,” Gemma coos, leaning down to give him as much of a hug as she can since he’s seated on the floor, Blaze between his legs and playing with his stuffed lion. “Merry Christmas.” She adds, passing him a gift and pulling out a bigger present for Blaze to open.
He kisses her cheek and then his mum’s when she leans down to hug him as well. “Merry Christmas to my bestest girls.” He chuckles and Gemma’s rolling her eyes.
“You’re such a sap. Where’s my favorite adopted brother?”
She’s talking about Louis and he points to the kitchen with his eyes. Gemma ruffles his hair, receiving a deserved glare as he goes to fix it.
Anne cards her fingers through his long tresses and sighs. “You should get a haircut.”
“Nah.”
“All right,” she kisses the top of his head before joining him on the floor with Blaze. “Merry Christmas, Blaze. Sorry I missed your birthday, but I have two presents for you to buy your love.”
“Mum,” Harry whines, but Blaze isn’t having a care in the world about it. He has three presents in his lap and that’s all that matters to him. He observes the way she watches Blaze, the softness to her face and how much her expression suddenly pains him and he doesn’t understand why. “Something wrong?”
Anne is quiet, unresponsive, until the silence is unbearable. “Is it selfish of me to wish he was really my grandchild?”
It hits Harry that she’s been wanting this for a while now. With Gemma being twenty-eight and still without kids and him almost twenty-four, he doesn’t rightfully blame her. He’s about to tell her that he’s going to grant her wish but Blaze squeals when he unwraps one of his presents. It’s a Captain America action figure and it’ll go nicely with his Iron Man one he got for his birthday. He’s more than excited.
“Who’s that?” Harry asks.
“Captain America.” Blaze accentuates with a smile.
“That’s right. You’re so smart,” Harry pets his hair back and Blaze careens into the touch.
Harry meets Anne’s eyes and she melts into the way Harry is with the little one. “Why can’t you be a father? You’re so good with children.”
He gulps, the words literally on the tip of his tongue, but the door to the kitchen is swinging open and Louis’ fuming. Harry frowns, wondering what’s got his best friend in a tousle. “You okay?”
“No. Zayn’s not coming.” Louis bites, throwing his hands in the air in a huff. He lifts a confused Blaze into his arms and sighs, holding him close. “I really wish he’d get a better job. I can’t do this anymore.”
Anne takes this as her cue to get up and join the others, knowing that this isn’t a conversation she should involve herself with. Rightfully so, too, because the second she leaves, Louis looks less like he’s going to murder someone. He leans against the back of the couch and nuzzles into Blaze’s little neck, keeping him close and all the little boy can do is cuddle back into him, his little arms barely making it all the way around his neck.
Harry gazes up at him, unsure on if he should say something.
“I can’t do this all by myself, and I know that Zayn tries to makes things better for us three, but it’s unbearable. I’m sick of going to bed by myself at night and waking up in the morning to an even emptier bed.” He’s on the verge of tears, Harry knows it and the moment Blaze wants to wriggle out of his *embrace, Harry takes him, asking if he can go play with his toys in the playroom.
“Daddy, okay?” He’s staring up at him with big blue eyes that copy Louis’ and he pats his tiny hands against his leg, telling him that it will, in fact, be all right.
It’s heartbreaking. Their little language between each other is so sweet and full of love and they’re the closest father and son Harry’s ever known. Louis softens, tenderly carding his fingers through Blaze’s gentle tresses and smiles sadly. “I’ll be okay. Go and play, all right, bub?”
“Okay,” he does as he’s told and gathers his unopened presents, hauling them away to the playroom next door.
Finally alone, Harry stands next to Louis, leaning his shoulder against his and sighs. “If you want to vent, I’m sure no one will blame you.”
That’s pretty much Louis’ breaking point and he’s curled up to Harry’s side, crying into his chest, fingers gripping at the thin fabric of Harry’s shirt and they stay like that for a while. All Harry can do is rub his back and let him cry it out.
Time drags by and it’s all he can do not to join Louis. He could never stand to see or hear him cry, it’s literally that awful because he’s the happiest, bubbliest person Harry knows, but he also knows that Louis is human. He can only take so much before he breaks down and Harry can’t blame him for feeling this way.
“Is he… at least coming down tomorrow? I-I mean… they’re letting him miss out on Christmas and I can’t believe that, but would they really keep him from his family?”
Louis shakes his head in uncertainty. He sniffles. “I don’t know… I just want him here. Missing my birthday is one thing, but Christmas… we’ll only get so many Christmas’ like this before Blaze has grown up and probably won’t want to have anything to do with his parents because teenagers go through that phase, but like… I just… it’s so hard. I don’t know what to do anymore.” He pulls away from Harry, not once looking him in the eyes and bows his head down, little droplets of sadness falling from his cheeks. “I-I’ve been thinking lately that… That I should end things with him to save the trouble of him doing it later.”
Harry’s heart practically drops to his gut and he’s in front of Louis, all wide eyes and worried. “No no no. Please don’t… please Lou.” He’s rubbing his hands up and down his arms and urging Louis to face him. When he does, Harry can’t stop himself from crying either. “He loves you. I know it’s hard, but he does all of this for you and Blaze.”
“Yeah… I know but… we’re fine on money right now. I don’t know why he needs to stay and work all of those extra shifts.”
“There’s gotta be a good reason.” Harry mumbles, pulling Louis into his arms and holds his head against his chest.
They don’t say much else to each other, but Harry does hold Louis until his tears are dry.
*
It’s late, Harry knows that much. He’s so comfortable in bed with Louis and Blaze cuddled up to him like a little family, but there’s this annoying noise waking him and it’s coming from the nightstand next to Louis. “Lou…” He whispers lowly, trying not to wake Blaze up. “Lou, c’mon, wake up. Your phone is going off.”
He shakes him awake and his sleepy eyes open slightly to glare at him, but he turns over anyways and reaches for his cold phone, answering it quietly. Harry urges himself to fall back to sleep, pulling Blaze closer to his chest.
“H-Hello?” There’s a passing silence and a sigh. “Zayn, it’s late.”
Harry opens his eyes, barely hearing the sound of Zayn’s voice on the other end. He sits up in bed, tucking Blaze into the covers to keep him warm. Damn these Doncaster winters really bite.
“Come outside.”
“Zayn, it’s cold and I—”
“Come outside, please.” He pleads and Louis gives another sigh, sitting up to duck his feet into his slippers, getting up to grab his coat before he leaves the room. Harry scrambles carefully to his feet, wincing at how cold the tiled flooring is and he finds it so unnecessary but the thought quickly subsides when he recognizes Zayn’s figure out front. His arms are wrapped around himself as he shivers in the cold, his legs almost half way hidden by the thick blanket of snow.
Harry quietly heads downstairs, tugging his jacket over his arms and shoves his feet into tall rubber boots before sneaking out front, watching their exchange. Louis is standing on the front steps, waiting for Zayn to come up and meet him. As far as he knows, neither of them have noticed he’s there. It’s too dark out anyways.
“Louis…” Zayn starts but Louis’ already shaking his head.
“How dare you.”
“Wait, I—”
“No, you wait.” Louis’ voice is hushed, trying not to wake up the entire house. He tucks his hands into his coat’s pockets and glares. “I can excuse you missing my birthday, but not Christmas. Zayn, I’m sick and tired of waiting around every day for you to come home all to go to bed by myself and wake up just the same. I’m not sure you really even come home. Just…” He closes his eyes and lets out a deep breath. “Just tell me. Are you… cheating on me?”
Harry feels his own heart drop as fast as Zayn’s jaw, eyes wide and completely speechless. All he can do is shake his head profusely.
“Then why in the world aren’t you ever home?!” Louis shouts, crying at this point and Harry hates this. He wants to deck Zayn, he’s so angry at him, but he knows Louis would just stop him. “I know Blaze isn’t your responsibility, but what about me? Aren't I a priority? Doesn’t this relationship mean anything to you?”
Zayn rushes up the steps and wraps his arms around Louis, burying his face into his trembling neck. “You mean everything to me, Louis. Everything.” Louis doesn’t hug him back, but he doesn’t push him away either. Eventually, Zayn pulls away and slowly lowers his body to his knee and Harry’s sucking in his gasp because he’s still not sure they’re aware of his presence and he feels like he’s sort of intruding on their moment, but he can’t move his feet. Zayn’s eyes are soft as he gazes happily up to Louis and Harry can’t really see his reaction from this angle, but he seems just as speechless as he is. “I know I’ve been very busy lately. But it wasn’t without a good reason.” He tucks his hand into his pocket and reveals a little black box.
“Zayn…”
“We’ve been together for so long, Louis, and I love you and Blaze with everything I have. I’ve been thinking about making everything more… binding and well…” He smiles nervously. “Will you marry me?”
“You’re such an idiot,” Louis chokes out but he’s letting Zayn put the ring on his left finger. He lifts Zayn to his feet, grabbing his face and kisses him deeply. “Of course I’ll marry you. Every day, for the rest of our stupidly domestic lives.” He’s crying, but Harry knows he’s happy and that’s all he cares about. Silently, he ducks back into the house and sighs with relief. He’s happy, far too happy for Louis, but he slides up the stairs to his room.
He’s not surprised when ten minutes later, Zayn and Louis are climbing into bed with Harry and Blaze, their strange little family finally reunited.
“Merry Christmas, Harry.” Zayn and Louis smile at him, and he gives it back easily, reaching across Blaze to squeeze Louis’ shoulder.
“I’m so happy for you two. So, unbelievably, happy."