Work Text:
001.
Phil swears that he’s about to shit his pants. What an amazing first thought, he thinks to himself as he rocks on his heels outside the restaurant that he picked out. He was early, a little too early for his date. Before he left he had taken a shot of vodka and that didn’t help, it just made his lungs burn. He’s messing with his hair and his hands are starting to sweat. It shouldn’t be weird, he’s been talking to this guy for a while now and they seemed to hit off pretty well. It’s just.
This is the first date with a guy, and he has no fucking idea what he’s doing. He bites down on his bottom lip, and sees a familiar (similar to his own) mop of dark hair. Nick waves at him from across the street and Phil waves back.
“Fuck.” He whispers, wiping his hands on his sides really quick before he gets here.
Nick reaches out for a hug while Phil reaches out for a handshake. It becomes instantly awkward before Nick shakes his head with a small laugh and wraps his arms around Phil. It’s a quick hug, too quick for Phil to reciprocate the action but he’s thankful that he doesn’t seem to react at such an awkward first encounter.
“Hi,” Nick says with his stupid perfect mouth, and stupid perfect teeth.
“Hi.” Phil gives a little wave, his brain short circuiting for a second before he nods to the place.
“Sorry if it was a journey to get here.” Phil laughs nervously, opening the door for him. Nick just smiles and pats Phil’s arm.
“It wasn’t. I was really excited, I’ve been in York for so long and yet I’ve never heard of this place.”
That brings a smile to Phil’s face.
“Oh, good!” He walks in behind Nick and then they’re seated at their table.
Phil is pretending to flip through the menu even though he looked the menu up online so he wouldn’t have to worry about it when he got here, he’s just doing it because Nick is doing it and it gives him something to do with his hands. He’ll occasionally look at Nick just to confirm the fact that he’s real, and that he’s on an actual date with a guy that he met on the internet, that wasn’t a creepy fifty year old man, despite his flatmates thinking so.
They order beer and fish n chips. Phil doesn’t like beer, but it seemed like something people do when they go out. His hands shake as he reaches out to grab the glass and take a sip, trying so hard not to make a face of disdain towards it.
Phil knows that he’s supposed to be asking him questions, it’s just everything is so different when it’s online, he feels like he doesn’t belong here, and whoever is in this chair isn’t him. All he really knew from dates was what he saw on television and read from books. There wasn’t exactly a guide on what to do when you’re a guy that wants to date another guy. His leg jiggles underneath the table and he smiles at Nick who’s staring at him. Maybe in wonder, maybe in ”why the hell did I agree to go out with this loser?”
“So,” Nick says with that bright smile, his fingers tap against the table, “We’ve already covered what you study at York, and that I’m back for the next couple of months while I try and figure my shit out,” He stops, and looks up like he’s trying to think of things to say.
Phil thinks that may be a bad thing, they don’t have anything to talk about.
“If you could watch one show for the rest of your life what would it be?” Phil asks as he reaches out to take another drink.
“Oh, that’s easy, Lost.”
Phil’s eye’s light up.
“I love that show.”
Connection.
*
Phil walks Nick home. He don’t take the bus like he normally would. What started off as an awkward date turned into something pretty great and Phil didn’t want it to end. Halfway into the walk it gets dark and the only source of light is the street lamps, and Nick slides his hands through Phil’s fingers.
It’s an odd feeling, holding someone’s hand that wasn’t his brother’s like when he was a kid, or his mum’s whenever he was scared. He has nice hands, they’re soft against Phil’s, and he feels his thumb stroke his skin just ever so slightly. Phil gulps, turning his head just a little to look at Nick who’s smiling as they walk in silence.
It’s not hard for Phil to imagine that he could do this with Nick for the rest of his life. He knows that he’s getting ahead of himself, it’s just, there was a Phil a long time ago that thought maybe people were right all along, maybe he just needed to grow out of it like he grew out of his clothes—as if it was as easy as that.
“When did you know?” Phil speaks up, his voice cracks, he clears his throat, looking intently at Nick.
“Know what?” He asks and Phil laughs a little.
“When did you know that you were gay?”
Saying the word gay out loud feels odd, and he hates that he looks around them after he says it.
“Oh.” Nick says, he looks down at the pavement, feeling his hand tighten just a bit.
“Last year, actually.” Nick shrugs, “I had a teammate on the football team, we were really good friends, took the same classes, practised late at night, he would come over to my place and I’d go over to his, it just felt right. Felt like home. I never felt that way about any other girl that I dated. One night we were messing around with the football and he pushed me and I pushed him—” Nick stops before closing his eyes and shaking his head. He’s laughing now. “Fuck, it sounds like I’m describing the beginning of a porno, but, you know one thing lead to another and I kissed him and he kissed me back.”
Phil smiles a little, squeezing Nick’s hand.
“But it scared him. I mean, it scared me too, but I think I had already accepted the fact that I liked him a long time ago, I was just… waiting.”
Phil watches the way the moment of pain flickers in his eyes before a soft smile takes its place.
“I don’t think he was ready to come out. Our teammates weren’t exactly that accepting, not that they ever found out about what we did, but you know how guys talk when no one’s looking.”
Phil takes a deep breath.
“Anyway, he transferred, and I finished university at the end of the year so we went our separate ways. I told him that if he were ever ready, I’d be there but...”
But he was never ready, Phil wants to finish.
“I’m sorry.” Phil says, biting his lip. “That must have been really confusing.”
Nick shakes his head. “Don’t be. I’m having a really good time. You’re the first person to ask me about my story actually. Most guys on that website want to fuck, and that’s fine, but I wanted more, so finding you was really… nice.”
They stop in front of a row of flats, Phil is ready to give him this whole speech but Nick cuts him off by gently reaching out to touch his cheek before leaning in. It’s a quick kiss, Phil is certain this his lips didn’t even move but he feels like a hurricane is going through his entire insides.
“I had a lot of fun.” Nick says with a smile, squeezing both of Phil’s hands now before he turns around to walk to his flat.
“Bye.” Phil says, but he thinks that it’s too late.
He was already gone.
When Phil gets home that night, he lays in bed thinking about what it felt like to hold hands with a boy, and kiss a boy, and have something else in common with a boy other than school. He smiles into his pillow.
*
They only go on a couple more dates before Nick says that the guy he’s been waiting for is ready. It doesn’t break his heart as much as he thought it would. He just smiles at Nick and holds his hand one more time before he lets him go. He’s not going to wait for Nick. He wasn’t the one anyway. Phil is grateful that he’s the first guy to ever go on a date with. He was kind, and kindness was something that Phil needed when his youtube comments could not be.
It’s just that he felt a little alone.
Phil was learning that being gay can sometimes feel isolating.
002.
Over the course of his final school year Phil goes to a lot of parties and he makes a fool of himself a lot of the time, it’s just he was so drunk and guys were so hot, and they just looked really fucking nice, and sometimes they thought the same about Phil.
It was one in the morning and he was at a house party and he’s got a little bit of alcohol in his system and he’s been chatting with this guy for a while, desperately trying to get somewhere with him but he’s either 1. not picking up what Phil thought he was putting down, 2. not interested in Phil, or unfortunately 3. heterosexual.
It gets to the point where Phil has done just about everything he can until he blurts out after another shot of vodka, “Do you want to make out? Specifically with me.”
The guy is shocked at first before he starts to laugh, throwing his head back against the wall.
“Yes! I’ve been trying to all night, I just didn’t know if you wanted to!” He yells over the music and Phil could almost scream.
How could he be so attracted to guys when they were so useless?
The thought makes him giggle as the guy leads them somewhere a bit more private. His whole body is tingling at this new era that he’s finding himself in. While it still felt isolating, there were moments like this, at a party where it was mainly queer people that he felt like he could belong, even if it was for a few hours.
There was a way that this guy was so careful with Phil that made him want to cry. Asking if it was okay to take it a step further and waiting to see if Phil agreed to it—or the way that after when they would just talk. Over the course of the night and slowly into six in the morning they found out quite a bit about each other and Phil could see himself going out with him again.
He got brave and asked him for his number, and only then finding out that his name was Timothy.
Timothy laughs and says his name means Honouring God, he kisses Phil goodbye after that.
*
His flatemate asks if they’re dating.
“Kind of. Not really.” Phil is trying to finish his assignment, but it’s taking forever and everything kind of feels like it’s getting to be too much. He’s in way over his head.
He has to go home soon and he doesn’t really want to go home soon because he’s just been outed for the first time in his life and he feels like it’s the end of the world and he’s on a constant brink of a panic attack.
“Are you okay?” His flatmate asks, putting down a hot mug of tea in front of him.
Phil shakes his head. “Kind of. Not really.”
His friend tugs on a strand of his hair and walks past him to get to the kitchen.
“Gotta figure your shit out mate. You have a lot of stuff coming up.”
And coming out, Phil thinks, and he sighs.
He logs into MSN. If someone was going to out him then he was going to take control of it in his own way. He couldn’t keep feeling like a bomb that was about to go off.
University felt like a new chapter for Phil, he felt like he could date a couple of guys without the world ending. He felt like he could kiss them and not feel the hatred that so many people felt towards him on the internet because it wasn’t always so kind to him, knowing that the little safe space he created could be destroyed scared him.
Phil texts Timmy if he wants to go out and do something because he’s had a long day and he doesn’t really want to see his friends responses yet.
Timmy picks him up and they go to a park where Phil talks about his day and Timmy leans over the seat and kisses him.
The question gets stuck in his throat like it always does when it came to guys he was with and sort of not really but maybe dating.
“How did you know?”
This time, unlike Nick, Timmy understood what the question meant.
“I think I’m still figuring it out. You?”
Phil looks at the space in between them.
“I’ve known for a long time now.”
Timmy thinks about that for a second.
“It doesn’t scare you?”
Phil looks out the window and watches the empty park.
“It does scare me a little. But I’ve come to peace with it though. I can be proud of who I am and still be a little scared of it.”
Timmy doesn’t say anything after that, but they kiss until Phil’s lips go numb, and somehow, when Timmy drops Phil off, it feels like a goodbye.
The surprise comes when he checks his MSN and sees how unbothered his friends are on his coming out, and he goes to sleep feeling a little easier that night.
003.
Sometimes Phil says things like, I feel like I was waiting for you even before I knew you existed.
Dan says, “That’s pretty gay Phil.”
And Phil replies, “You’re pretty gay.”
They both laugh, and Phil will tug Dan just a little bit closer.
Because he can.
“Thanks for waiting for me.”
Dan has been the longest date that Phil’s ever had.
He thinks he’ll keep him around for awhile.