Archive of Our Own

Everything happened really fast.

It was a Friday afternoon and Jaehwan was practicing at a rented music room after class when he received the call from Mnet. He saw the unknown caller sign flashing on the screen and hesitated a bit before picking up the phone. A man that introduced himself as Cho Hanbin from Mnet told him someone from his team had seen him in God’s Voice a few months before and that they were doing a second season of an idol survival show. 

“ Produce 101 , I’m sure you’ve heard about it.” The man had told him, sounding proud, even a tad arrogant, in Jaehwan's opinion. “This time with an all-male cast. We are looking for trainees and we’ve heard good things about you.”  

Feeling a little bit startled and a little bit incredulous, Jaehwan’s first reaction was to answer with a simple, albeit quite shaky ‘ okay’ . He wasn’t really sure of what he was getting into, and was still trying to absorb all of the information given to him. He needed time, needed to know exactly what he was getting into. 

“Excellent.” The man had told Jaehwan. “We’ll be contacting you to set up a meeting in -”  

“Wait!” Jaehwan said, probably a bit too loud, too eager. “I’m - I apologize. I am very interested. Very interested, but I need to think about it for a moment. Talk to my folks about it.” It was his dream, he knew it. It was an opportunity he probably wouldn’t have again. But he’d had so many disappointments in such a short period of time he didn’t know if he could take another one. Maybe it could destroy him for good. “Please, I really want to do this, Mr. Cho. But I - ”. He took a deep breath. “I need to make sure.” 

“It’s fine, kid. We don’t really need an immediate answer. We know you don’t have anyone to represent you, so don’t worry. Just don’t waste this opportunity. This is going to be huge.” He sounded sure and Jaehwan was getting more and more nervous, and he felt a little ungrateful, even. “We are going to contact you again in a few days. Make sure to think it through. It’s difficult for boys in your… situation to get opportunities like this one.” 

And for the next couple of days, Jaehwan did a lot of thinking. He thought and he pondered and he doubted. A lot; maybe to the point where he became a bit paranoid.  He’d heard about the first season, even caught some episodes on his TV. Everybody did, even people like him, who weren’t even super deep into the idol culture thing. He liked idol music, but being one of them wasn’t really in his plans, not anymore. Hadn’t been for quite some time, actually. Not since all that Shelrock fiasco. 

His four years at Music Works were frustrating, to say the least. He left the company feeling disheartened and hopeless and his confidence was shattered. After that, he started to really believe that he wasn’t meant to be an idol. Was Shelrock even supposed to be an idol band?   He didn’t know, they didn’t tell him. They didn’t tell him a lot of things, the communication was almost nonexistent there.  He’d learned a lot, though, during that time. That he did. He learned a lot and it was because he had to. His groupmates and himself were pretty much self-sufficient; the mentoring was minimal, the lessons were inconsistent and confusing and rare and whenever they had feedback it was basically pure harsh criticism without any advice for improvement. So they had to teach themselves a lot of things.

It was hard and he waited so long and right after he left everything just felt pointless, felt like a waste of time. It was hard to get back up.

But he tried again when they called him about God’s Voice. It was a big show and he did so well and he felt so good afterward that he was sure someone would contact him, someone would try to sign him.

Nothing happened. 

Everything had led to nothing once again, and it hurt even harder, that time. It was another slap on his face and his heart was left aching for a long time, making him question himself a lot. But he knew he had to get himself up again. He would focus on University, he would keep developing his skills, he would get better . He would keep working and he would keep practicing. He wouldn’t give up just yet. He didn’t know exactly what he was going to do or how he was going to do it but he just couldn’t give up on music just yet. He was young and it was his dream, after all. It was his purpose .

Then he got the phone call. 

*

Jaehwan reached the conclusion that he would regret it his whole life if he didn’t take this chance. He wasn’t naive, he knew he had virtually no chance of actually making into the group. He was aware that he wasn’t the typical idol: he couldn’t dance to save his life, he wasn’t the best public speaker and he never thought himself to be the most attractive dude in the world. Not very idol-like, at least. He liked to look presentable but was clueless about the peculiarities of skin care and makeup, and even though he believed his fashion taste was pretty exquisite, he didn’t really have the money to actually buy what he wanted to wear. In short, he really could use an idol makeover. 

He had also watched a couple of episodes of the previous season and noticed that the results relied a lot on luck, looks, and, most of all, screen time. And the screen time was decided by whether the company judged the trainees to be profitable or not, it was something completely out of the trainees' control. He had no clue if he was going to be lucky enough to be shown, but he would do his best to get his name out there, maybe get signed by a different, more reliable company. If that didn’t happen he could hope to get more gigs at bars, at least. Worst case scenario, it would be an interesting story to tell his friends in the future. 

He would have to take a break from school and from the band activities and he would have to quit his job, but he would do it. He talked to his friends and his parents and asked for advice, and the encouragement they gave him was so overwhelming, so heartwarming that it made him feel a little emotional. Jaehwan’s mom and dad were the best, really. He was scared he would bring them another disappointment, after having them sacrifice so much for him; but knowing how they were, they would be proud of him even if he didn’t make it through the first round of eliminations. He really was a lucky kid. 

*

The next weeks were a blur. He had several meetings for contract signing, video auditioning, interviews, photo shoots, and some media training. Everything was so hurried, so impersonal, it made him feel like he was just an object. It made him feel cold and small and alone. He got a glimpse of many other trainees and they just seemed so different from him and Jaehwan didn’t know anymore if he belonged.

It was around that time that he found out his university's friend was also participating and suddenly he didn’t feel that lonely anymore. 

Sewoon and he weren’t super close back in school. They were together in a few classes but never really had the opportunity to get to know each other on a deeper level. Still, Jaehwan always thought he was a nice kid and really admired his talent and his drive from afar.  Maybe now would be a good time to get closer to him, even though he had to admit Sewoon intimidated him a little bit, with him being a signed artist under a big company and all. That didn’t make him less happy to have someone with a trajectory at least a bit similar to his, though. Someone he aspired to be like.

He also got to meet other trainees in a similar situation as his own a couple of days later and it was a big relief. There were five of them and they were all very interesting, all very talented. Jaehwan and two of the trainees, Dongha and Chan, decided to team up for a joint audition. They had similar tastes, similar vibes. It would work alright. Better than facing that judging panel all by himself. He’d done that too many times already and he’d decided to avoid doing it again as best as it could.

When they started training together, Jaehwan grew particularly close to one of the other independent boys, Kim Sangbin.

They were a weird pairing - had completely different musical backgrounds, completely opposite interests, but Jaehwan found him brave and intriguing and brilliant, and they complimented each other in their differences. Sangbin had a performance partner of his own, Insoo, who was just as interesting, just as talented. They rented a room together, the five of them; they hired a dance instructor, and they worked hard in preparing for the grade evaluation. Jaehwan really couldn’t dance - his joints were stiff and his moves were awkward and it took him weeks to learn the choreography. 

But he went through it. He learned it. He was ready.

* 

It was terrifying, walking into that huge room full of unfamiliar, perfectly groomed young gentlemen. Jaehwan looked down, scanning his own outfit as he walked into the auditorium. It was hard not to feel self-conscious; his pants were too short and his high neck shirt seemed to be choking him. He tugged on it for a little bit of relief and ran his hands through his own hair. He had gone to an actual hairstylist, this time, hoping to get a nice, trendy haircut, but the result wasn’t at all what he had expected. He should’ve trusted his mother and her magical, multifunctional hands. The result would have definitely been better than whatever this thing on his head was. 

There were barely any chairs left it was their time to get in. He bowed as he walked up the stairs with his fellow independent trainees, trying to find a place to sit and making an effort not to focus too much on the other contestants. He was surprised that Insoo actually went directly to the first place seat (throne?) and Jaehwan wished he had the guts, really.  That was a ballsy move and he couldn’t help but smile, like Insoo’s confidence caught on him a tiny bit. Just for a fleeting second.

He ended up having to sit in the bottom row, and it turned out to be a good thing, he thought. He couldn’t see many trainees from where he was sitting, couldn’t over analyze them like he definitely would otherwise. Jaehwan wouldn’t know if they were looking at him, judging his posture, his looks, his expressions. That would happen only during his audition, and his audition was something that he could control.

He didn’t pay a lot of attention to the boys who performed before him; too nervous, too focused, always rehearsing internally or discussing some final details with Dongha and Chan. There weren’t many, anyways, it wasn’t that long after the evaluations had started and Jaehwan was called backstage along with his teammates.

*

They asked a lot from him, the trainers. The group performance went alright, he supposed. He doesn’t really remember it; he was so incredibly nervous he could barely register anything. They asked him to sing again, and this time he could use his guitar and when it was handed to him he felt immediately more comfortable. It had felt like a blanket. More like an armor, actually. When he was behind it he felt safe, he felt at home, and he felt like he could look the judging panel in the eyes. It was easier after that, even when they asked him to dance. He knew his limitations, so he would just have fun with it. He would just be himself for a while. 

And it worked. He got a B, and it was more than enough. His friends weren’t as lucky, but they didn’t look really unhappy and, as he heard someone in the back saying, “the grades only matter in the first two episodes. Then it’s all about the ranking.” Jaehwan didn’t really know if he liked that. 

The rest of the day went smooth. He sat back and relaxed and just watched the rest of the auditions. It was funny, it really was, how different most of them were from him. Some of them looked royal, almost unreal, and it wasn’t even all about looks, it was more of an aura thing?  He wasn’t sure. The debuted groups, the Fantagio guy... There was something intimidating about them. But it wasn’t in a bad way, he couldn’t really explain. His mind wasn’t very eloquent, that day. 

And there was a lot of talent. A lot of dancers, in particular. Most of the boys were specialized in dancing, just as he expected, and it kinda scared him, who was the complete opposite. Another thing that he noticed was how rehearsed and calculated some of their moves were; from their posture to their reactions, to the expression on their faces. He imagined how nervous they must have been, behind all that façade. But some looked more vulnerable, though; more uncontrolled. Some of them had a determined look, some of them were shaking and couldn’t even look up. They all wanted this as bad as he did and Jaehwan felt his heart grow with empathy and his hands tremble with fear and anticipation. He would have to compete with them. 

It had begun.

*

It was exhausting. 

Everything about this was physically and mentally draining and it had barely started. Jaehwan couldn’t shake the thought that maybe this career path wasn’t really for him after all; maybe he should’ve finished college and gone to the military and then he would worry about whatever he would do for his future. He could try to join a band, maybe he could be a freelance guitar player; he could work for a TV show, he’d heard there were a lot of opportunities in this area. He could do backing vocals as well, play in bars on weekends. Everything would be fine as long as he got to make music. He didn’t need to be famous or to be an idol, he told himself.

But here he is now, sitting on the floor of the practice room, too exhausted even to get up.  His only company, the cameraman, looks at him with pity in his eyes. He had just filmed Jaehwan’s pathetic fit of crying and complaining because he couldn’t get the choreography right. How would he survive in the industry like this?

“You’re pitiful, Kim Jaehwan” he mutters to himself while he drags his hands over his eyes, trying, in vain, to make the tears go away. 

*

It’s 4 in the morning when he gets to the dormitory. All the boys are already asleep.

His entire body aches and so does my heart , he thinks, and, no matter how cheesy it sounds, it’s the truth. Sangbin and Daniel - this new boy he just met at Class B and immediately treated him like they were best friends - had stayed up late to help him with the choreo and he still couldn’t memorize it. He says a prayer before he lays his head on the pillow. He asks for strength and guidance and a little bit of luck. He doesn’t forget to ask for his new friends, as well. He might be hopeless, but he’s happy he has them, now.

*

The recording for the reevaluation goes surprisingly well. 

Daniel gives Jaehwan a congratulatory pat on the back when he goes back to sit between him and Sewoon, who ruffles his hair in a very delicate, very Sewoon-like way. 

“I told you. I told you you could do it.” Daniel tells him as he hits Jaehwan’s back with his two palms like he’s a drum; a toothy, wide smile plastered on his face. 

“Ah, ah!!!” Jaehwan pretends to be hurt, leaning his body away from Daniel’s big, heavy hands. He couldn’t stop smiling, too. His body is tired, but his mood took a 180-degree turn from the night before and he feels invincible.“I just hope I don’t get downgraded.” 

“You won’t. We won’t. And Daniel is going up.” Sewoon says as he bites on his thumb and Jaehwan nods in agreement. 

“Go snatch that center position, Kang Daniel .” Jaehwan makes a point to pronounce Daniel’s name in an exaggerated American accent. He’s still surprised at how easy it was for him to make friends here. He feels like he and Sewoon were best friends since the first day of school, feels like he’s known Daniel for months. He knew that would probably change as they advanced in the competition, knew that the first ranking announcement might make everything different, and he knew that he hadn’t really had the opportunity to interact with the majority of the trainees. But he expected the atmosphere to be way more charged with tension, people to be way more closed-off and cautious.

It was nice to be wrong. 

*

Daniel upgrades to A along with Sangbin and Jaehwan and Sewoon stay in B. It’s enough, he thinks. Better than he expected, definitely. But he couldn’t help but wonder. 

They spend a full day recording the music video for their single 나야나. There are almost one hundred boys and everything has to be perfect, so Jaehwan loses count of the number of times they had to repeat the entire choreography, and he also notices that the camera didn’t really seem to be particularly fond of him. Maybe that was a good thing, because his dancing still wasn't something to brag about. Learning the choreography that fast was already a huge of an accomplishment. One step at a time , he thinks.

The day had felt very different; like the recording had made everything more real. After that, the evaluations would start and then the rankings would be announced and then there would be the first round of eliminations. Jaehwan tries not to worry too much - it’s pointless and he needs to rest, hasn’t had a full night of sleep in over a week. He’s a pro at worrying, though, and he’s constantly making up different scenarios in his head when he’s in bed, losing hours and hours of sleep to his wandering thoughts. 

He finally drifts asleep and he dreams of a beautiful boy calling his name. He dreams of friendship, of victory, of happiness. The beautiful boy is by his side every step of the way and they make it to the very end, together. 

He doesn’t remember anything the next day.

*

They are called to gather at this gigantic room, where they have to stand in five horizontal rows - organized by grades, like the good kids they are - while patiently waiting for representative BoA to arrive and deliver the next blow. 

Jaehwan is struggling to stay still. His knees are bouncing up and down, his feet wanting to move so bad that he feels he won’t be able to control all his pent-up energy anymore and start jumping uncontrollably around the room. Everybody knows what’s going to happen today, even if they aren't sure of the rules and mechanics of it. They would form their teams for the Group Evaluation round and they would get their songs assigned to them and, after that, the competition would really start. Jaehwan feels both nervous and excited and he closes his eyes, asking the heavens to help him get chosen quickly. Please help me get a song where I’ll actually get to sing. And please no hard dances. That would be nice, too .

He knows he’s probably asking too much and that God had more important things to worry about, but better safe than sorry. 

*

The songs are revealed and he’s glad he actually knows most of them. He’s still not sure which one he would prefer, maybe Call Me Baby? Be Mine? Everything would depend on how lucky he is.

“What’s the most important position in Produce 101?” BoA asks with a smile and the 98 boys answer in unison: “Center!”

“Brand New Music’s Lee Daehwi will be the first to choose!” She announces enthusiastically.

Nobody is surprised. Jaehwan imagines a thousand different outcomes in his head while Daehwi gracefully walks towards BoA and positions himself next to her, smiling proudly. Jaehwan keeps fantasizing, trying to decide what’s the best possible combination of trainees in case he gets picked. He would have to have a strategy, but what he really wanted was to choose the boys he was close with. Not a smart move , Jaehwan thinks. He didn’t really have a mind for business-related stuff. He’s an artist , for Christ’s sake. He would choose it with his heart . Lucky for him that his new friends are pretty skilled.

Jaehwan laughs at his own cheesiness. He definitely wouldn’t be picked to choose, he’s not that fortunate. 

“I will pick Yuehua’s Ahn Hyeongseob from Level A.” Daehwi announces, sounding very cheerful. There is an expression of pure satisfaction in his face, like he knows exactly what he’s doing. “Brave’s Kim Samuel from Level A.” He continues, no hesitation. “Level B’s Park Jihoon from Maroo Entertainment. Level F, Cre.ker’s Joo Haknyeon. Level F, C9 Entertainment’s Bae Jinyoung. Level  D, Yuehua Entertainment’s Lee Euiwoong. ” 

The kid’s smart. Obvious, but smart. “I wanted to make an Avengers team!” He finishes, looking really proud of himself, and Jaehwan couldn’t help but smile, a little amused and a little scared. Lord help him avoid this group at all costs.  

“Trainee Lee Daehwi, please pick the trainee who will choose next.” BoA says and Daehwi buries his hand inside the transparent box.

“Level D. Pledis trainee Hwang Minhyun!” He says as he shows everyone a piece of paper with Hwang Minhyun’s name. 

So it’s one of the Nu’Est guys. Jaehwan had talked to him just once, pretty briefly, and he seemed like a nice person; but to be frank, before that small interaction they had, Jaehwan had felt a bit intimidated by him. Maybe it was because of how he looked, how he presented himself - he has this striking beauty, this unapproachable aura that can be a bit scary, and it didn’t help that he had such a serious look in his eyes the whole time during the first grade evaluation day.

That’s when Jaehwan had first noticed Hwang Minhyun. Even before he took the stage with his members. There was this regal atmosphere surrounding him -- his members too, but especially him -- that made Jaehwan feel a bit inappropriate; made him want to apologize just for being in the same room as him, somehow.

But that feeling had changed a little when he met Jonghyun a few days after the grade evaluations. Jaehwan also thought Jonghyun would be serious and hard to befriend at first, with that black suit of his and that raspy rapping voice. And he wouldn’t lie, he had mixed feelings about their presence there, being a debuted group from a big company and all. That had probably influenced his judgment a little bit.

Then he realized he couldn’t be more wrong about Jonghyun. 

Jonghyun radiates warmth and kindness and Jaehwan couldn’t believe he didn’t notice it before, because it was just so obvious. It was in his eyes, it was in his smile, and Jaehwan found himself wanting to be close to him. But so did most trainees, because Jonghyun was always surrounded by people and Jaehwan didn’t really want to be a bother, so he would keep a respectful distance when they were together at Class B. Still, the few times they talked, when they would sit together in a circle with a few other boys during the rehearsal breaks, Jonghyun would tell them stories about his struggles and his achievements with his group, he would tell them words encouragement, he would give them advice. He’d mentioned more than once how much of a good friend Minhyun was, and when Jaehwan confessed  that “ Minhyun- sunbaenim makes me kinda nervous and I feel like he’s judging me even though he doesn’t even know who I am ” Jonghyun had let a very loud laugh and patted Jaehwan’s hair and the next day they were all having lunch together -- Jaehwan, a few trainees he didn’t know very well, Jonghyun and Minhyun. They didn’t talk a lot, but Jaehwan found out that he liked how Minhyun would look people in their eyes when he talked to them. He learned Minhyun had a very gentle speaking voice that was really pleasant to the ear. Maybe he’s still a bit intimidated, sure, but now he also wants to know more about him.

And now he’s curious to know who Minhyun is going to pick. He’s probably going to prioritize his members and choose other popular and talented trainees, as he should. Minhyun stands besides BoA, takes a look at the crowd with a shy smile that goes to his eyes and calls the first name;

“I’ll pick Ardor & Able’s Ha Sungwoon from level A.”

That’s when Jaehwan starts to feel strange. At first he’s just a bit lightheaded, but it’s only seconds before he feels a pang in his chest and it’s so strong, so intense, he has to crouch down immediately.  His head starts to spin and his stomach clenches like he's going to be sick and he involuntary covers his face with both his hands. An overwhelming sensation of déjà vu floods his brain and he closes his eyes really tight in an attempt to make it go away. He tries to breathe deep, in and out, inhale and exhale , as he faintly hears the other names being called -  A Kang Daniel, F Kwon Hyunbin, A Ong Seongwoo, B Kim Jonghyun - but he barely registers them, he barely registers anything that’s surrounding him at that moment, trying to stay grounded, trying as much as he can to not pass out or throw up in front of everyone.

“Jaehwanie?”

“ Jaehwan , are you ok ?” 

“Kim Jaehwan!?”

Jaehwan thinks he hears a faint voice, maybe more than one, but he isn’t sure, his eyes still shut tight, his hands still holding on his head. 

“ Jaehwan-ah! Jaehwan, are you feeling well ?” This time there’s a hand on his shoulder, shaking him lightly. The voice is familiar. It’s Sangbin.

Jaehwan opens his eyes, the horrible feeling finally subsiding. He looks around. Looks ahead. Everyone’s staring. He tries not to look to the new team, now gathered on the other side of the room, but he catches a glimpse of a worried Daniel and immediately turns away. He doesn’t want to look at BoA.

“I’m sorry.” His voice is shaking. He breathes hard, embarrassment creeping up on his face, his head still down, hands on his knees for balance. “I'm sorry, I don’t know what happened.” He mutters, and it’s as true as it could possibly be.

Jaehwan has no clue. He wonders if it’s the lack of sleep. Maybe it was something he ate earlier?

But that déjà vu sensation was so strong, so vivid, it was something he had never felt before, something he doesn’t know how to explain. Jaehwan still feels a bit dizzy, a bit airy, but he’s recovering, little by little. 

He hopes he isn’t ill. That would be the worst timing.

He makes an effort to stand tall again, even though his body doesn’t want to, but Sangbin is right in front of him and he helps keeping Jaehwan up. He needs to be seen if he wants to be chosen, and apparently the commotion hadn’t stopped the selection of trainees.

It was probably nothing important, anyway. 

*

A C Level trainee named Jo Yonggeun calls his name a few minutes after. Jaehwan still hasn’t recovered from whatever happened to him, but he manages to walk to his position without feeling like his legs will give out.

He looks at his new teammates, greets them politely while trying not to sound too formal. They’re an interesting ensemble, he thinks. There’s an A level trainee and there's a popular kid from Cube that he remembers pretty well but aside from them, Jaehwan doesn’t really know anyone. He can’t help but feel a little bit disappointed he didn’t turn out to be together with any of his friends, or even acquaintances. He knew that the A dude, Namhyung, was a really good rapper; Sangbin and Insoo had talked about him before and Jaehwan had seen it for himself during the grade evaluations. He had talked to Seonho before, too, and the kid was really charismatic and Jaehwan found him very sweet and quite adorable. And, if he were to think analytically, having Seonho would bring them votes and votes were always a good thing.

The other boys were pretty much strangers to him. There's a young Maroo kid and there's a rapper with a very intense look that Jaehwan thought he recognized from the auditions. And the boy who called his name seemed nice enough, but they never really talked before. 

It’s okay, He would have plenty of time to get to know them in the next week or so. 

*

Jaehwan must have slept on the wrong side of the bed that night because they end up getting Minhyun’s team and Minhyun’s team is perfect.

Well, maybe not perfect perfect, since the model-trainee from YG was an interesting choice, but it was damn close to that.  

They had everything: they were skilled in multiple areas and they were all undeniably handsome and charismatic. But the most impressive thing is how it seemed like they just fit together, Jaehwan doesn’t know how to explain it. He also doesn’t know how to explain why he feels so weird when he looks at them together; like that feeling from earlier wanted to come back, but in a much less intense way, like there was something stuck in his throat, like he remembered them, together, from somewhere else. Maybe a dream. 

At first Jaehwan supposed it was just plain envy, and it would be perfectly natural if it were, he guesses. Not a good thing, not something to be proud of, but natural; they are the perfect group and they are going against him, after all. But it feels different, it feels more like sadness and emptiness and just sheer wrongness and it makes no sense at all.

Focus Jaehwan, he thinks. Focus on your group. Focus on your performance and the things you can control . He closes then reopens his eyes and tries his best to concentrate on what his teammates are discussing. 

It works, for a while.

*

Minhyun would look at him a lot during the rehearsals, Jaehwan noticed. The first couple of times Jaehwan even thought he was just imagining it, but it was like he could physically feel Minhyun’s eyes on him, and when Jaehwan looked at him to check it would always turn out to be real. They would both pretend to be looking somewhere else, then. 

It was like Minhyun was studying him; probably getting to know his opponent, and that somehow made Jaehwan even more self-aware. He had this particular look in his face whenever Jaehwan sang and Jaehwan would ask himself if he should feel flattered or if he should feel judged. 

Maybe he thinks I don’t belong here . Jaehwan had once thought. Maybe he’s going to make fun of me with his friends after the rehearsal is over . But no, that didn’t sound right. Jaehwan doesn’t believe he’s that kind of person. Even though he doesn’t even know him.

Minhyun has the most enigmatic face Jaehwan ever laid his eyes on. He could look warm and welcoming and cold and distant, all simultaneously, and Jaehwan doesn’t think he likes that. It confuses him and Jaehwan doesn’t like being confused. He also doesn’t like that he wants to impress Minhyun, doesn’t like that he cares . It’s not supposed to be like that, he isn’t like that, so he shouldn’t feel like a high schooler seeking approval from the popular kid.

Which doesn’t make sense, because he never cared about this kind of stuff, it was never something he used to value. Not when he was in school, not when he was in college or even at church. He wanted people to like him, sure, but he wanted them to like him for him. He wouldn’t go out of his way just to be popular or to be seen as cool  (there were exceptions like this one time with this older girl from church, but it was ages ago and it didn’t go well at all and he had learned from that) and luckily people seemed to like him well enough. He had a decent amount of friends - and they were good friends, good people - even though he kept to himself a lot.  He wasn’t exactly an extrovert, but when he felt comfortable enough with someone he would relax, he would let go and laugh and play and be more like himself. But here… Here he doesn’t feel home yet. He still feels too self-conscious, too small and it’s so frustrating because this isn’t who he is, this isn’t who he wants to be.

Jaehwan also doesn’t like that he couldn’t seem to bond with his own team. There’s something about them that lacks harmony, and the group kind of feels all over the place. They are too different in basically every aspect and it’s not in a good way, not in a complementary way. Their images are almost conflicting and their tastes clashed and so did their personalities; some of the boys are too imposing while the others were too compliant and Jaehwan feels like he’s caught in the crossfire. He doesn’t want to fight, but he needs to survive, so he keeps giving suggestions with hopes that the boys would end up accepting them.

It’s not that he doesn’t like them as people. On the contrary:  he’s grown even more fond of Seonho and he’s been working on his dancing with Namhyung every night before they go to sleep in the wee hours of the morning, but unlike Minhyun’s team they don’t really seem to fit together. It was like they were all pieces of different types of puzzles thrown together at random. 

*

Jaehwan and his teammates are sitting on the floor of the practice room having their little pre-rehearsal meeting when Jaehwan decides to talk to them about this idea he had when he was rehearsing alone the night before.

“I think we should add some harmonies. Here, and here , so it wouldn’t sound too dull.” He points to the lyrics on the paper. “And thought that I could change up the bridge a little bit. Make it a tad more interesting. What do you guys think?” Jaehwan suggests a little hesitantly, a little carefully.

He wants to add a little more flavor to the song, as well as showcase his vocals a little bit more. Sorry Sorry is a great song, a timeless classic, but the vocals were a bit too monotone and he needed to change things up a little if he wanted to get even if a tiny bit of attention, to earn a couple of fans. He knew who he was up against and he knew his group would be overshadowed. And that wasn’t him being pessimistic - Jaehwan doesn’t consider himself to be someone like that - but he couldn’t ignore the disparity in popularity between both groups. 

And their opponents weren’t just popular, they were undoubtedly talented and experienced and… something more. So Jaehwan needs to do his best, in any way he could, to make his group and himself a little more appealing to the public. A little more remarkable. 

They already couldn’t use the talent of their rappers to their advantage after what happened the day before.

It was a fair decision; Jaehwan didn’t think the coaches or the other group would accept Minho’s idea from the beginning, but it was a loss for their group nonetheless.  Sorry Sorry wasn’t really the best choice of song to showcase his teammates' abilities in their full potential, but Jaehwan wouldn’t lie - he thought the song was good for himself .  It matches his tone and he’s had some good ideas on how to tweak it, to make it his own. But this is a group performance and they have to do well as a group, or it won’t matter, people won’t want to see it. 

And he hates that Namhyung won’t be able to rap when he was so good, same for Minho. And the song is too mature for Hyeop and for Seonho and maybe even to Jaehwan himself, because, in all honesty, he always felt really stupid wearing a proper suit, like he was a little kid stealing his dad’s clothes. Ugh, they probably should’ve picked either Mansae or Be Mine. If only they weren’t so bad at running...

“It’s fine, I think. If you don’t change the structure of the song, like we wanted to do” Minho says, snapping Jaehwan out of his own thoughts. He sounds a bit sad now, not as angry as he was after they were reprimanded. All of them have been looking and sounding a bit defeated. “How are you planning to do it?”

Jaehwan clears his throat and starts to sing the bridge, snapping his fingers to add a little bit of rhythm and it’s only seconds until Seonho starts accompanying him and bobbing his head in a little impromptu dance.

*

Both groups are assembled together, waiting to have their last vocal lesson with teacher Seokhoon before the performance, and Jaehwan is a little ball of anxiety. It was just a minor change, but they’ve been scolded before and God knows he and his teammates would do everything to avoid that from happening again. 

So when Jaehwan starts singing the bridge, feeling as fidgety as he is, he can’t help but look around, eyes traveling everywhere inside the room. He looks at his teacher’s focused face. He looks at his side where the other group is sitting. He can see Daniel smiling and bobbing his head to the music, and when he’s almost over with it his eyes go directly to Minhyun. And Minhyun isn't looking at him this time. He’s looking somewhere Jaehwan couldn’t see, eyes unfocused and expression unintelligible, a mystery like he himself is and then Jaehwan is hit with the sensation of familiarity again. It’s not as strong as that day’s but it’s there. Maybe it’s his nerves, maybe it’s because they were in a similar situation a couple of days ago. He brushes it off, this time.

“This is good. Jaehwannie, I like what you did with the song.” Seokhoon tells him with a lopsided smile, his glasses falling over his nose. There is pride in his face, Jaehwan can see it, and he can’t help but smile, too, even though he still feels lightheaded.

Group two sounds even better today. They’ve now found a nice way of incorporating Hyunbin’s unique tone into the music and it’s incredible that they can even manage to twist an obvious flaw into something that works in their favor. 

Life isn’t fair, sometimes.

*

Daniel and Jonghyun crowd him next to the door when he’s about to leave the room to ask how he’s been doing.

“Well, aside from being terrified of you guys?” He jokes nervously, but still trying to play it cool. There’s some truth to it, but only partially. He’s scared of their group, but somehow he isn’t scared of them. 

Jonghyun laughs, his eyes ever so kind, and throws his arm around Jaehwan’s shoulders. “Don’t say this. You sounded amazing today, you know that.” He sounds sincere.

“Yeah, I'm sure you’re gonna climb the ranks if you do that onstage.” Daniel agrees, nodding his head, and he looks more serious than usual. He looks tired, they all do. “I wish we had this idea before, to be honest,” Jonghyun adds, smiling. 

“Come on, you guys already have so much to show!” Jaehwan fake whines. He likes Daniel and Jonghyun so much, it feels weird having to be against them instead of being with them. “You’re already monopolizing all the talent and the looks in the competition for this round. Leave something for us peasants.” He giggles at himself.

“We can’t be monopolizing all the talent if we don’t have you with us…” Jonghyun says as he makes a cute face, both of his hands framing his jaw, like a flower.

Jaehwan doesn’t know if it’s possible to blush and cringe simultaneously at the cheesiness of Jonghyun’s statement, but it definitely feels like he can. Jonghyun notices the face Jaehwan makes and tries to do some damage control. “And Hweseung, and Seongri, and Woodam…” He counts with his fingers, laughing. They all laugh and play and Jaehwan doesn’t see Minhyun creep up on them and pull Jonghyun by the arm.

“Guys! Our meeting. Remember?” Minhyun asks and Jaehwan’s posture immediately changes.

“Sure, I was just…” 

“Fraternizing with the enemy.” Daniel interrupts Jonghyun. “Minhyun likes to pretend he is our second leader or something.” He says and Jaehwan lets out a nervous laugh as the boys wave him goodbye. Minhyun gives him a shy smile before averting his eyes and turning around. 

Jaehwan can’t tell if he wishes Minhyun would stay a bit longer or if he’s relieved that he left. 

*

They do well; as well as they could’ve done. No forgotten lyrics, no missteps, no singing out of tune. Jaehwan’s bridge earns him a lot of applause (and makes him hope for a replay. Please , please. ). They all hug backstage and Jaehwan is proud of them and that moment makes him sadder that he didn’t manage to get closer to them. To most of them, at least, because Seonho keeps hugging him even though everyone had already let go, like the over-affectionate baby he is, and Jaehwan doesn’t always know how to deal with skinship but it makes his heart warmer and puts a smile on his face. He wonders if he didn’t make enough effort, if he let this weird feeling of estrangement, of otherness, get in the way. He still doesn’t know why he feels like this, Jaehwan had promised himself he wouldn’t let the fact that this is a competition change the way he would see people. But he doesn’t think that’s the reason; he doesn’t know what it is. He doesn’t know anything. 

“You did well. Really really well.” Namhyung tells Jaehwan when he notices how nervous he is, his big hand ruffling his hair. “Your dancing was pretty good. The late nights were worth it.”

“You too, pal.” Jaehwan pats his back in an awkward semi-hug. “Next time you’ll get to rap and it’ll be over for them”

“Damn right it will.” They both smile and chuckle and the tension dissipates a little, but the feeling is only temporary. He watches group two enter the stage and they are different . The way they stand, the way they walk, the way they look in suits, there’s something sumptuous about them, something that even the Avengers group couldn’t touch.

Jaehwan is glad he went first. 

He watches them perform from the backstage area, his heart beating fast, and when Sungwoon sings the first line he feels it again: the pang in the heart, the dizziness, and the déjà vu and it’s almost as bad as the first time and it happens so fast Jaehwan can’t breathe. 

He tries to calm himself down but it won’t go away, and he wants to sit down and close his eyes and cover his ears and disappear.  But he can’t; the cameras are here, he doesn’t know what they could do with the footage of his loss of control, so he tries to breathe deeply, in and out , like he did that day. Hyeop notices and asks him if he’s okay, and he just nods, trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with him. At least now he knows a little better how to deal with whatever this is. He hopes he doesn’t have to deal with it again.

*

He’s still hasn’t had the time to fully recover before both groups are directed to the room where the results would be shown.  

“You all worked hard!” He hears Jonghyun’s voice when and Jaehwan thinks it’s such a Jonghyun thing to say, even know he barely knows him.  They all nod in thanks and exchange compliments. Jaehwan couldn’t even focus on their performance because his weird heart got in the way again, but he had seen the rehearsals and the few moments he caught were pretty damn good. No stunts or props or anything, just talent and charisma. 

To be honest, Jaehwan isn’t even nervous about the results. He’s proud of the boys, proud of himself, but he never really expected to win. He just wants them to get a nice number of votes, just enough for it not to break their hearts too bad, just enough so they can know there are people out there that care about them, that pay attention to them. And to him, too. ‘Cause if there is just a small group of people that like listening to him, that's happy to hear his voice, then it would be worth it. Singing, it would be worth it. That’s what kept him going during his busking days. They were full of uncertainty, full of doubt, but that little fanbase - could he even call them that? - that tiny group of people that came to see him every Sunday night in Hongdae, that tiny group of people that thought his voice was worth listening to, they kept him going, kept his dream alive. So when he doubts himself, he remembers them, and most times it helps, it really does.

So it doesn’t actually feel that bad when they lose. And the difference in votes isn’t as dramatic as it could’ve been. Seonho actually wins his position against Daniel - and it’s bittersweet for him because Jaehwan likes both of them so much -  but the rest of them lose and it hits Yonggeun and Hyeop hardest of them all. Jaehwan sees Minho trying to reassure them, and he joins him, too, and they just stay there together for a while, leaning on each other, giving each other strength through touches and kind words, and it might seem small but Jaehwan knows how much things like that matter.

They get approached by Jonghyun and the other boys and they try to console them, too, and it could’ve felt like a backhanded way of bragging, but it doesn’t. It feels genuine. Sungwoon and Jaehwan exchange compliments and it’s actually the first time they talk and Jaehwan wants to tell Seongwoo how cool he is but he’s too shy and he still thinks Seongwoo is a tad bit scary, even though Sangbin says that he’s the nicest guy in the planet and his cocky demeanor is just a front. 

They have to go backstage, and when Jaehwan is on his way out he feels a hand on his shoulder. He turns around and he sees Minhyun’s face and he’s looking at him in the eyes this time. This time he doesn’t have that distant, unintelligible look. This time there’s only warmth.

“Hey, Jaehwan-ssi,” Minhyun says, his voice calm and low and as gentle as his eyes are, right now.

“Minhyun-ssi!” Jaehwan bows slightly, still a bit surprised, trying hard not to stumble over his own feet. “Congrats on the performance. You guys did amazing.” Jaehwan manages to tell him and it’s genuine, to a point. He was feeling too ill to actually pay attention, after all, and now he feels sort of bad about it.

Minhyun chuckles “Thank you. And you don’t need to speak formally to me. Call me hyung, if you want to… So yeah, I wanted to congratulate you, too. I love what you did with the song. You… yeah, congratulations!” He claps his hands once, then looks down then up again and gives Jaehwan a half-smile. He seems a bit agitated, probably because of the adrenaline of the performance and all.

“Ah… thank you… hyung. You don’t have to speak formally to me, either and - ” I hope we can work together some time , he thinks, but doesn’t say anything instead and ends up just smiling shyly at him. What a failure.

Minhyun nods his head once and smiles back at him before leaving with his friends. Jaehwan catches himself almost following them, doesn’t know why it feels so wrong to see them leaving like this. He shakes the thoughts away and just goes to the room where the other trainees were gathered to see the rest of the performances. He wants to talk to Sewoon a bit, to congratulate him on his performance and have a little laugh and just enjoy the show. He didn’t win, but he did his best and at least this part was over.

*

They are given a little break and Jaehwan gets to see his mom and dad again. He gets to sleep in his bed and eat his favorite food and God, how he missed it.  

But it’s not like the work had stopped completely. Jaehwan still has to go back to the training center every other day, as they have to film some extra content, take some general classes and, in a few days, they would gather together to watch the first episode as it airs. They would spend the day at the center then go back to sleep in their homes and for the first time since everything has started they get to play around with each other and just enjoy and sing and make friends, and it’s the most fun he’s had ever since he joined the show. He even forgets for a while this is a competition; 

Then the show premieres.

*

“ Fuenfy-fri ” Daniel says as he munches on a very fluffy-looking sandwich. “ Ifs nof bap baf. ”

“Is that even Korean?”  Jaehwan answers confused, food trail on his hands while he makes his way to the table. He’s starving and seeing Daniel’s beautiful sandwich doesn’t really help his case.

“Twen-ty-Three!” He explains after swallowing. “My ranking. Jisung-hyung cried when he found out he was 35, he was 100% sure he would get last place.” Daniel looks happy and proud. 

“My ranking is exactly yours times two. Or would it be the half, in this case? I don’t know, I was never good at math.” Sangbin tells him and Jaehwan swears he sees Daniel’s smile falter a little. “Still miles better than what I was expecting. though!” Sangbin grins as if trying not to lower Daniel’s mood.

Jaehwan knew things would change after the first ranking announcement, and he wasn’t wrong. He notices that the trainees look at each other in a different way now, notices that he looks at them in a different way. He’s in a comfortable position, he thinks. Twenty-seven. Higher half - not that bad, not bad at all. But he looks at some of the boys at the higher rankings and he can’t help but wonder why , even though he already knows the answer. It was in their faces, quite literally. 

Jaehwan mentally smacks himself for thinking that. He isn’t going to be resentful and jealous; he’s better than that. He’s going to be grateful and prove people he deserves to be here.

Still crazy to think that people actually voted for him, though, people who don’t know him , people who aren’t his friends and family. He felt like that for the first time back when he was busking in Hongdae with the Music Works boys, and he realized some people would go there just to see them. When he got his first fan letter he couldn’t stop smiling for days. He is smiling right now, just thinking about it. He still has it, all of them. There’s just a few, but they are locked in a little box in his closet. His most precious belongings: that, his ring and his favorite guitar. 

“Discussing rankings is pointless right now. Everything is going to change in the next few weeks.” Sewoon doesn’t even lift his eyes from his plate as he talks. 

“Let some of us have fun, my friend. Or dwell in our misery.” Sangbin responds with a fake-dramatic voice, pointing at his own chest. “Why aren’t you eating yet, Jaehwan-ah?”

*

First elimination day is here and Jaehwan is shaking. He doesn’t know if it’s anger or anxiety or fear - probably a combination of everything. His ranking had gone up significantly after episode two was aired, but it dropped down again tonight and he gets called before he’s expecting to. It stings a bit, but he survives, and that should be enough. Yet Jaehwan can’t help but feel disappointed. He rewatched their performance several times and they did well, he did well, but he was barely seen and he feels so wronged and it’s so frustrating. No replays, no reaction shots, his group was portrayed negatively and both Yonggeun and Hyeop were eliminated. He stayed, though, and he’s still angry, still disappointed and now he’s also mad at himself for being mad , for being so ungrateful when his teammates had it so much worse than him. Sangbin barely got in, for Christ’s sake. 

Group 2, on the other hand… Group 2 has become a sensation. Jaehwan had watched their performance countless times on Naver. It was borderline obsessive and he isn’t proud of it, but he had his reasons. See, they were practically perfect but there was something about it that bothered him and he couldn’t pinpoint what it was, so he just had to watch it and repeat it over and over yet he still doesn’t know what it is. Maybe it’s just him, maybe he just wants to find something wrong with them. 

They’re all within the Top 15, now, and it’s well deserved, he knows, but it makes him feel a bit bitter and he can’t help it. And it’s not because of the ranking itself; he still doesn’t know what it is. ‘Cause he doesn’t feel like that about Daehwi’s group and they are as popular - maybe even more. It’s not even because he’s jealous of their talent, not that he knows of. Jaehwan thinks he’s been doing pretty okay in this department, and he’s improving consistently and will continue to do so.

Maybe it’s because, when he saw the backstage clip of them rehearsing, he realized how close they were, how much chemistry they had with each other, and how that dynamic had extended to the stage, even to the broadcast. Yeah, that’s what it is, and Jaehwan figured out he wants that, too, and that makes him feel guilty and all kinds of pathetic. He isn’t their friend. They’re a clique now, and they got Daniel, and Daniel barely hangs out with him anymore. They even stole Sangbin from him, somehow, because these days Sangbin and Seongwoo are always attached to the hip. Sewoon had made other friends as well and Jaehwan found himself lonely and he hates that. 

Jaehwan is starting to feel like he doesn’t like himself anymore these days.

He tries not to be hit too hard by insecurity, reminds himself that he’s doing his best. He’s so weak, he thinks. One could think that all of those years of experience in broadcasting, of dealing with criticism and rejection and unexpected turns would have prepared him for this competition, would have made him create thicker skin and build confidence; and he tries, boy he does, to appear strong and confident and determined, but truth is that he’s getting more and more sensitive and he hates it so much, he hates that other people doing well makes him feel  miserable, hates competition in general. But what choice does he have? He didn’t even turn 21 yet but he feels so old and worn out and it feels like he’s been trying and trying and failing for an eternity. He tries to remember his mother’s words “don’t compare yourself to others, my son. Be your own person, because the person you are is wonderful”. And he remembers those little letters he got, the people that were there for him on cold Sunday nights, even though he didn’t do anything to deserve all of this love from these wonderful strangers. He tries to recall those moments and suddenly it’s not that bad anymore. He’s ready to survive another task. 

*

It was time the position evaluations now and the whole sorting system by ranking was fucked up. The look of resignation in Sangbin’s face when he has to join a dance group makes Jaehwan furious. How is that fair? That Sangbin and Namhyung and Insoo wouldn’t get to rap, that Woodam and Hweseung wouldn’t get to sing? It kind of casts a black cloud over the room and all the trainees seem down and there is this sense of solidarity between most of them, like competition doesn’t matter right now. 

But they still have to work.

Jaehwan chooses Downpour and he barely makes it to the group. He has the lowest ranking amongst his teammates and he’s both intimidated and relieved. His group is, again, an interesting bunch. Hyunbin is the one who surprised him the most, but there’s also Kang Dongho, and there’s Yoon Jisung and then there’s Minhyun. Jaehwan is pretty happy about Jisung being there. He’s been waiting for an opportunity to talk to him this whole time - Jaehwan took a liking to him from day one, and all the trainees seem to adore him. He’s also glad Jisung was there because otherwise he’d feel like a complete outsider. Minhyun and Hyunbin were together for Sorry Sorry and Dongho was, of course, Minhyun’s fellow member in Nu'Est.  

“I actually wanted Playing With Fire, but Minki stole it from me.” Dongho laughs then pretends to be outraged. “We’re gonna have to have a serious conversation later.”

“So... Jisung-hyung is the leader and that’s unanimous. Who wants to be the main vocalist?” Minhyun looks directly at Jaehwan as he asks.

Jaehwan hesitates before lifting his hand up. Dongho also raises his own. Jaehwan needs this position if he wants to survive. 

“You amateurs.  It should obviously be me.” Hyunbin adds and then starts to sing completely out of tune and Jaehwan has to pull his hand down to cover his mouth from laughing too hard.

*

Jaehwan wins the position because of how well he executes the ad libs and to be honest he’s pretty ecstatic about it, pretty giddy inside. He was the main vocalist before, but this is different, this is the position evaluation, there wouldn’t be a direct competition with another group. And this the center position and being center is a huge deal here, even though Jaehwan didn’t really care about the title in particular. Hell, he wasn't even sure what it meant. What he wants is for people to hear him and now it seems like he has a chance. 

Jaehwan learns that Dongho is as sweet as he’s intimidating, and that Jisung is one of the bravest people he’s ever known, and that Hyunbin is hilarious and impulsive and passionate. And he learns that Minhyun carries a burden within him, learns that he’s sensitive and caring and that he’s terrified of what the future holds. But the best thing Jaehwan learns is that Minhyun is in love with music, and that there isn’t a moment in the day when he isn’t singing.

Jaehwan also learns Minhyun’s voice goes beautifully with his own and apparently Minhyun agrees with him on that because now they can’t stop harmonizing wherever they go. Even before they go to sleep, now that they share a room, they would sing together, each one in their respective beds, their voices low and fading with exhaustion until one (or both) of them succumbed to sleep. Hyunbin would always thank them the next morning for ‘lulling him to sleep’, and it didn’t seem like he was being sarcastic. 

They get closer and closer and though Jaehwan does get more comfortable around Minhyun, he still senses something different when they’re near. He gets this overwhelming mix of joy and melancholy and then there’s that other sensation he can’t quite name, but it’s there and it’s big. Minhyun just pulls him in, somehow, and Jaehwan feels like he just can’t push it back.

*

“I went to music school. And I waited tables part-time. Sometimes on the weekends, I would play at this pub with some of my colleagues.” Jaehwan answers vaguely when Dongho asks him what he was doing before getting the call from Mnet . 

It’s late at night and they had rehearsed the entire day. The lights are already off and they are all cozied up in their beds, tired but not yet sleepy, just chatting a little before venturing into dreamland. They’ve been doing this almost every day this week and it’s always Jaehwan’s favorite part of the day.

“I saw your old videos on YouTube.” Minhyun says, voice slurred. He’s already drowsy. “They were so good. You’re so good, Jaehwan-ah.”

Jaehwan’s heart jumps at Minhyun’s words. He can’t believe he saw those videos. He hopes Minhyun is talking about the ones from God’s Voice, not his busking videos or his Korea’s Got Talent performances. Jaehwan is a little bit ashamed of them, to be honest; his singing has improved a lot since then and he doesn’t like the way he looked during his Hongdae nights. He doesn’t like it at all. He’s still proud of that era in his life, that’s how he got to improve and that’s how he got himself a couple of admirers, but he has changed so much and somehow Minhyun just makes him kind of self-conscious. So he tries to brush off his embarrassment with humor like he constantly does, but Minhyun talks again before Jaehwan could answer him.

“But you got even better. I admire that.” He yawns, then keeps going “Your passion, I admire it so much. Coming here with no company, just with your pure will.” He sounds so honest; it disarms Jaehwan, really. He feels his ears burning, feels the corners of his mouth lifting in a smile, his chest filling with warmth. He wasn't expecting the praise and he isn’t sure how to respond. But he tries.

“Ah, thanks, hyung… I still have a long way to go, though… and you have a very beautiful voice.” He tries not to stutter, and thank God Hyunbin interrupts them, changing the subject and potentially saving him from completely embarrassing himself. Jaehwan is horrible at dealing with compliments and he’s not very good at giving them either.

“So… Jaehwannie-hyung used to play at a pub… you must’ve met a lot of girls like that. Girls love dudes who play the guitar, so I’ve heard.” He says, giggling like a little kid. So Hyunbin doesn't save him at all. Jaehwan mentally facepalms.

“Ah, not that many… it’s not like I’m an idol or anything, like you guys are…” He says, voice low. 

“Yeah, but you had the freedom to date whoever you wanted, which is something that us idols cannot afford to do without putting our whole careers at risk. And getting a major ass whooping from our higher-ups, best case scenario.” Dongho reacts and, by the way he chooses to enunciate some words, Jaehwan is pretty sure he’s speaking from personal experience.

“Of course that never stopped us.” But his tone changes completely when he says those last words and Jaehwan is sure he can hear Dongho smiling. His own instant reaction is to flinch at those words, though. He immediately wonders if Minhyun has a girlfriend and he tries brushes off the thought before he speaks, fighting his own brain. It doesn’t matter.

Why does it feel like it matters? The little voice on the back of his mind asks. Jaehwan doesn’t acknowledge it.

“Fair enough..” He answers, sensing that he can’t escape from the subject. “It wasn’t really something that interested me that much, though…” He confesses, hoping it’s good enough of an answer, but they stay silent, like they’re waiting for him to keep going.

“I had a few dates… Don’t know if I would call them girlfriends or anything like that. They were nice, yeah, but to be honest I was really there for the music…” It might sound like a cliché excuse, but Jaehwan isn't lying. He’s had a few girls approaching him after performing and he even took a few of them out. Three, to be exact. In all three years. But it never worked out because Jaehwan’s mind was always somewhere else. His heart was always somewhere else, he just didn’t know exactly where. 

“Lame,” Hyunbin says as he yawns. “Why is Jisung-hyung so quiet?” 

And it’s like Jisung had heard him, because next thing they hear is a loud snore coming from his bed and the whole room erupts in laughter.

*

Things are going well for Jaehwan. The rehearsals have been pretty great and he really feels like he found good friends in the members of his team. He’s back to hanging out a lot with Sewoon when they have the time, they even had a noraebang session together and it was a lot of fun and Jaehwan was feeling light and carefree. That was also when he caught Minhyun looking at him with those eyes of his again, and after what Minhyun told him that night, about his voice and his trajectory, Jaehwan couldn’t help himself but feel all warmed up inside. Such a silly boy, he is.

It’s weird - the way he feels when he is with Minhyun. 

Minhyun makes him feel both comfortable and tense; he would sometimes feel like he could be just his unabashed, genuine self around him but he would also want to show him a better, more polished image. A Jaehwan that was worth admiring. He’s starting to realize why he feels like that, but he wouldn’t let himself think about it too much. Nothing good would come from it, he’s sure. Everything is just fine the way it is, at the moment. Jaehwan wouldn’t ruin it by thinking too much. By feeling too much.

Still, Jaehwan couldn’t help but observe him, sometimes. Minhyun would hang out a lot with Jonghyun and Sengwoo and Daniel and Sungwoon and Hyunbin and it was obvious to everyone that the “Sorry Sorry 2” boys had formed a very strong bond. They had each other’s backs and although their team was quite exclusive, it wasn’t like they were shutting the other trainees out. Anyhow, whenever they were together, Jaehwan would notice the looks of admiration and maybe a bit it of jealousy the other trainees would give them. He would catch himself doing the same, too, and he always reprimanded himself for that,  but he couldn’t just stop it. They were cool and talented and sociable and everyone liked them, everyone wanted to be with them. Be them. And it doesn’t help that he used to talk to Daniel a lot and he missed him, even though they were close only for a couple of weeks; or that he talked to Jonghyun a couple of times and they seemed like they would hit off very well if they had the chance to get closer. Maybe he just wanted to feel like he was part of something bigger.

Maybe he just wanted to be close to Minhyun, too. Clos er.

But still, things have been going well. He had friends here and he was happy that their Downpour team had great chemistry. He doesn’t know why this feeling of emptiness still tackles him from time to time; probably it’s just the nature of the competition, feeling lonely, no matter how many people you’re surrounded by. Being constantly worried about your own actions, being constantly filmed and analyzed and picked apart. They didn’t teach him how to deal with that at Music Works, no matter how many times he appeared on television before.

And Jaehwan is a tad scared of showing his true personality; of ignoring the cameras and just being how he is, and it’s quite tiring, but he’s earning how to deal with it, progressively, week by week, and to be honest, it gets easier. Especially when he’s with his friends. His team. They are definitely making things easier for him. 

Again, all of a sudden he doesn’t feel that lonely anymore. 

*

Performance day is here and the stylists decide it’s a good idea to dress them in variations of what Dongho calls a “pastel-pink-golfing-dad-ensemble” . 

Jaehwan almost collapses when he first sees Dongho wearing a striped polo-turtleneck combo that is obviously too small for his frame. He looks so miserably appalled that Jaehwan just can’t contain his laughter when he looks at his face and ends up on the ground with tears in his eyes, and a very tall, very heavy Hyunbin sprawled over him laughing uncontrollably and hitting the ground repeatedly with his large palms. Minhyun and Jisung manage not to fall from their chairs, at least, but they’re definitely not immune to the sight. Even the makeup girls have to put their work on hold for a couple of seconds

“ Ha ha ha . As if you guys were dressed any better.” Dongho sneers.

“You don’t get it, hyung. It isn’t funny because the clothes are atrocious. It’s funny because it’s you wearing them.” Hyunbin says, still giggling nonstop.

“Take your model privilege elsewhere. You and Minhyunnie,” Minhyun attempts a protest but Dongho interrupts him again “I’m gonna try to talk to one of the coordis and ask them if Mnet really has a ploy to ruin my reputation. Then I’m gonna threaten to sue.” 

“Try to see the bright side, hyung. At least you’re showing a different side, a softer side.” Jaehwan chuckles. “Look at those pants, though, how did you even manage to get into them?” Jaehwan tries to pull on the fabric and Dongho’s legs are ready to burst out of its confinements. 

“Boys, control yourselves. I can’t keep laughing like this, we have to sing in an hour and I need my vocal cords to be intact. Our Jaehwanie too, I get scared his throat is going to die if he keeps laughing like this, Jesus Christ.” Jisung half-jokes as he puts his earphones on and Jaehwan detects a tad of tension in his voice. He’s doing a beautiful job leading them and he’s such an admirable person; Jaehwan really wants to keep him close for now on.

Dongho waves scornfully at them and walks away, mumbling something about his turtleneck choking him to death and how he should have chosen Spring Day, all while pulling Hyunbin along with him. Jisung is having his makeup and hair done while he rehearses the lyrics, and it’s like the world outside doesn’t exist to him at the moment. Jaehwan probably should be doing the same, but he doesn’t really like last-minute rehearsals, never did. It makes him even more anxious, and he definitely doesn’t need any more of that right now. Just a warm-up for a few minutes should be enough.

Jaehwan looks at where Minhyun is sitting. He’s got his eyes closed and Jaehwan can see his lips move very subtly, muttering silent words. It’s impossible not to notice how beautiful he is, it’s difficult not to stare. It scares Jaehwan sometimes, really, that everything about Minhyun seems to be so ethereal, so idyllic. There’s this serenity to him, that’s present everywhere in his being, from his face to his voice.  And then there are his eyes.

Jaehwan wishes Minhyun would open his eyes right now, wants to look into them, wants to find out what’s behind them. He wants to know more about the other side of Minhyun, too, not this idealized version people made up in their heads, that he had made up in his own head, in the beginning. He’s had a snippet of it last week, he saw Minhyun being playful and moody and human and it was such a contrast to this Arcadian version of him, it made Jaehwan want to know more of him, made Jaehwan want to be closer to him.

But that probably wouldn’t happen and he didn’t even know why he felt so strongly about that. They would most likely part ways in a couple of weeks, so Jaehwan has to stop himself from getting attached. He shouldn’t get attached to any of them, really. It wasn’t the smart thing to do. But he couldn’t help it; Jaehwan might not be the biggest extrovert, but he doesn’t like being lonely and he’s had the chance to meet so many lovely people here, it would be a shame to steer clear of them just because of some weird sense of self-preservation. Jaehwan isn't very good at self-preserving, never really was.

“Jaehwanie.” And it’s Minhyun’s voice that snaps him out of his dazed state. “You nervous? You look a bit out of it.” There’s concern in his voice.

“Less than I thought I would be” It’s not a lie. I mean, he’s nervous now but all of his daydreaming made him kind of forget he was going to perform. “Doing what I can not to think about it now. It’s what I always try to do whenever I perform. Doesn’t always work”

“Well, is it working now?” Minhyun asks. 

“Partially,” Jaehwan says. “To be honest you’re not helping me at all with these questions” Jaehwan admits, chuckling, trying to break any tension. 

Minhyun makes a weird, funny face and Jaehwan goes on. “And you? I saw you were rehearsing the lyrics. You still get nervous, even after all those years performing in front of all of these cameras, all these people?” Jaehwan is genuinely curious. His previous experiences on TV were all nerve-wracking. 

“The camera doesn’t really get me that nervous I do have to keep track of how I look all the time, but I always like to focus on the audience. Not very different from how it used to be for you, when you were busking.” 

“I mean, I’m pretty sure the number of people watching was very different.” 

“With the way things had been going before we came here, I don't think it was that different”  Minhyun says with a sad smile. Jaehwan thinks it’s the first time he ever heard resentfulness in his voice. He doesn’t like the sound of it. 

“I’m sorry.” It’s the only thing Jaehwan can say. 

“It’s alright. It was a joke, sort of.” He rubs his hands together and exhales. “But yeah, I’m very nervous right now, to be honest. It’s different from when we were performing as Nu’Est ... This thing here…” He pauses “This feels like life or death.”

Jaehwan’s heart constricts as he hears that. He knew how important this was for him and his members. How it could define the rest of their careers, the rest of their lives. It was unfair, for them to have their careers sacrificed while so young because of the neglect of their agency, because of how brutal the competition is. And Minhyun had told him that the boys still felt like they were the ones to blame. Jaehwan felt the same during his time at Music Works. Difference is he didn’t get to debut. They were different kinds of frustration, but at least he didn’t have the burden of being an “unsuccessful veteran group”. He didn’t have to deal with that many expectations.    

“You’re going to do great.” Jaehwan tries to reassure him, a hand on his shoulder, and Minhyun turns his head to look at him in the eye.

“You too, Jaehwannie.” Minhyun answers and after that there’s nothing but comfortable silence between them.

*

They do great. All of them, even Hyunbin, contrary to Jaehwan’s fears and prejudices. Still feels like it misses something, but it would be weird if it didn’t feel like that, the way his brain has been working the last few weeks.    

But it’s an emotional and honest performance; Jaehwan even has to fight back his own tears a little bit and he isn’t the type to cry easily. It’s just that it kinda felt like his own trajectory in the show flashed inside his head during the performance, and even though it hasn’t been that long since everything started, it sure feels like it. 

He wins first place and it feels like a miracle to him. He always tried not to be too hung up on winning, always told himself not to care about it, but it surely is rewarding. It does give you a boost of confidence, a sensation of self-worth. It feels good .

It also feels good to see that his teammates don't seem to mind his win.  They all congratulate him with smiles - genuine smiles, Jaehwan could tell -  and there’s also a bit of relief in their faces; it’s over, they did it, and they did it well. He’s happy he was able to make Jisung proud, to have helped Hyunbin with his singing, to feel acknowledged by his sunbaes . Dongho was kind to him when he was chosen as center, and feeling like he was admired by Minhyun always gives him those weird unnamed feelings. Jaehwan recalls hearing Minhyun say to Jisung that he deserved first place before Jaehwan was announced as first and it kind of stings a bit. Jaehwan sort of agrees, Jisung’s work as a leader was supreme. It’s just that his head being weird again, so he brushes it off quite quickly, and it gets easy to forget after Minhyun looks at him with those eyes, that are now pure reassurance and respect. Jaehwan still doesn’t know how his eyes can tell so much. He wonders for a second if they could also deceive, but shakes the thought immediately. Still fighting with his brain, he sees. It’s been happening constantly.

He performed well - not perfectly - but well enough. He stood out this and he hopes that it could give him a little boost in his ranking, if Mnet actually shows him. He had promised himself: “be reasonable, Jaehwan. Don’t set yourself up to disappointment.” But it’s hard not to hold on to hope, sometimes. Jaehwan is a dreamer. That’s just how he is and changing it won’t be that easy. And he doesn’t even want that to change.

*

It’s a couple of days after the position evaluation and all 60 of them were just gathered at one of the auditoriums, waiting to find out which of the original songs the national producers had chosen for them. Jaehwan is one of the firsts to be called, and when he opens the door to the room he’s assigned he finds it completely empty. It’s only a few minutes after and someone fidgets with the door and Jaehwan’s heart's racing, he’s just too curious. When he finds out it’s Jonghyun, Jaehwan can’t really hide his excitement. He’s been wanting to work with him for so long, and Jonghyun flashes him such a blinding smile, Jaehwan can’t stop giggling. 

Then more trainees come in and he starts to get nervous. 

Turns out their song is Never. It’s his favorite amongst the song choices it makes him really happy. It makes him happy and worried ; worried because he might not even survive the next round of eliminations, worried because, even if he does, there’s a huge chance he might get kicked out of the team. The group is incredibly strong; too strong, even. There are so many high ranking trainees, so many boys he admires, so many boys he always wanted to get closer to. So many boys who intimidate him a bit, if he were being honest. So yeah, there’s a chance of him being eliminated and a bigger chance of him being kicked out, but he wants so bad to stay. He has to stay, he needs a chance to perform this; the song is perfect for his range and for his tone and style and he never thought he was ever going to say that about a Deep House track. Oh, but how things change. 

Minhyun is with him again and at first Jaehwan is glad he’ll be able to spend more time with him, but Seongwoo and Jonghyun and Sungwoon are also with them and soon he realizes he probably won’t get to have that time with him, not at all. Jaehwan looks around; there are four “Sorry Sorry 2” boys. Three Brand New Music trainees. Two Cube trainees.  There’s Joo Haknyeon, who is also by himself, but he and Jaehwan have only talked briefly. Their disparity in popularity is also pretty big and to be honest, Jaehwan feels a bit intimidated. Most of them came in pairs or in groups and Jaehwan feels immediately cast aside when he realizes everyone is talking to each other and he’s just there, sitting in the middle, not really knowing what to do with himself.

But he doesn’t want to leave. Not just one bit. This is going to pass, they’re going to warm up to him. 

He smiles. All 's well that ends well.  

*

They’re split into two different groups to make the rehearsing process easier and Jaehwan ends up in a group with only people he barely knows. 

Sungwoon, Woojin, Daehwi, Guanlin and Jaehwan, that’s the group, and they don’t really know where to start. Initially, they divide the positions arbitrarily because they knew everything would change - there’s no way Jonghyun and Minhyun and Seongwoo would be kicked out, so they all agreed that discussing positions would be kinda pointless. They would focus more on choreography and learning the lyrics and then they would go on from there.

It’s a little bit awkward in the beginning - there’s this heavy silence hanging around them and Jaehwan doesn’t really feel brave enough to initiate anything. Or maybe he just doesn’t have the energy. It gets better around day three, though. They already feel more comfortable around each other and that’s when Jaehwan realizes he really likes that Woojin kid. He likes him a lot . He already knew how talented the boy was, that’s pretty hard to miss, but what Jaehwan didn’t know it’s that the kid is hilarious and that his shy, quiet behavior was just an illusion. Give him a few days, surround him with people he’s comfortable with, and he’ll show his true self. Jaehwan finds Woojin’s true self fantastic.  

They were more comfortable and more familiar, yeah, but there’s still a gloomy cloud hanging over them, that would show up every time they remembered that being kicked out was a serious possibility for most of them. It’s kind of cruel of Mnet, to make them learn an entire song and an entire choreography and get them acquainted with their teammates only so they couldn’t perform in the end. This competition is cruel in itself. Jaehwan is the lowest ranking trainee here and he tries not to think about it a lot. He has to show the public how determined he is, he has to show his teammates how well he fits this song. Because he does , he fits it so well , it feels like it was tailor-made for his voice and that makes it even harder for Jaehwan to deal with the possibility of having to move to another song. That if he survives the next round of eliminations. He isn’t really that far from the cut line.

*

They will have a public rehearsal later today and Sungwoon and Jaehwan have to split the main vocal parts. It’s fair, he knows, but he doesn’t get the high note in the bridge of the song and it’s so frustrating for him because he fits it perfectly. It’s not a particularly hard note to hit for him, but it’s so impactful combined with the choreo and Jaehwan believes this could be his moment in the competition. Well, I guess you can’t have everything, he thinks to himself.  At least he gets most of the chorus. Today might just be a rehearsal, but he has to make it count. He has to show the mentors and his teammates that he’s worth keeping.

But it doesn’t really go well. For some reason unknown to Jaehwan, trainer Kwon Jaesung really insists that he wants someone to do the choreo alone. They hadn’t practiced that, so most of them just panicked. Jaehwan couldn’t do it, not by himself. He just didn’t have the confidence. He learned the choreography alright, but everybody knows how recent his relationship with dancing is. Sungwoon is the only one to step up and give it a try, and even Woojin and Seongwoo just sit there and watch. They get a whole lot of scolding because of that and Jaehwan goes back to their room feeling pretty defeated. Most of them do. 

*

“Hey. Jaehwanie-hyung. How’re you doing?” Woojin approaches him after rehearsal, when Jaehwan is sat down with his back to the wall, guitar in his arms. 

“You know” Jaehwan decides to be honest. They are close enough now that he can be himself with Woojin, for better or for worse. They play with each other, but also complain with each other, and that’s a sign of a real, comfortable friendship.  “Happy I’m in this group. Wondering if everything will be in vain.”

“Don’t say that.” Woojin whines, making an annoyed face and sitting beside Jaehwan.  

“It’s true, though. Best case scenario I get kicked out of the group. Worst case scenario I get eliminated. So being kicked out isn't a bad thing, after all,” Jaehwan sighs. “Maybe I should start learning the lyrics for the other -”

“Ugh,  don't be so bitter Jaehwanie-hyung. Look at me. Started from the bottom now we here.” Woojin jokes, one hand pointing to his own chest he and the on Jaehwan’s shoulder. Woojin’s trajectory is awe-inspiring and Jaehwan understands why it makes it seem like he feels invincible right now, even though he still isn’t in the most comfortable position himself. He’s doing that do cheer his hyung up, Jaehwan knows, and it makes him like the boy even more. Woojin squeezes his arm and gives him a snaggletoothed smile and now Jaehwan wants to smile, too. He’s right, being bitter is pointless. It’s pointless and it’s annoying and everyone is stressed out. Jaehwan isn’t that special.

“You know, for me, you’re the best singer in this whole thing here. Just wanted let you know that.” Woojin says while getting off the floor and Jaehwan’s heart swells up and suddenly everything is worth it. “The best” is a heavy title that he doesn’t know if he deserves, but it’s so good to hear that from someone who is talented and kind and who he began to admire a lot in the last few days. 

*

Jaehwan stays where he was, still distractedly smiling to himself while fingering his guitar, lazy and tired, so he doesn’t really notice when Minhyun joins him in his little corner of the room.

“Hey!” Minhyun says seeming a little breathless and Jaehwan is kind of taken aback by his sudden appearance. They haven’t really had a conversation since they moved out of the Downpour dorm. 

“Hey hyung.” Jaehwan answers and he sounds even less enthusiastic than he predicted. 

“You alright?” Minhyun asks, his face changing with worry. It causes something in Jaehwan’s chest, he doesn’t know what.

“I am, actually. Woojinie just gave me a boost of confidence.” Jaehwan tells him with a grin and it’s mostly true. Now he just needs to not think about anything and get some sleep. 

“You know, we saw you rehearsing,” Minhyun tells him and Jaehwan makes a face like he’s asking him to go on. “Yeah?” He responds.  

“You sounded really good, there.” Minhyun continues, but the conversation is awkward. It’s like he’s cutting his sentences short, like he’s waiting for Jaehwan to do the talking. 

“Oh. Thank you, hyung.” And it’s awkward and Jaehwan’s awkward. He needs to put some more effort if he doesn’t want Minhyun to run away. “You guys did, too, I mean, of course you did. I’m still struggling a bit with the choreo, but to be honest I’m very surprised at how much I love the song? I was supposed to hate house music, y’know? It’s in my DNA.” Jaehwan says without taking a breath and wow, maybe he’d put too much effort. He’s nervous, Minhyun makes him nervous. And when he’s like that he’ll either be completely silent or he just won't stop talking. Why, Kim Jaehwan? Why are you even nervous in the first place?

“Sorry, I’m just nervous.” Jaehwan blurts out. Great . - “Because of… this whole... situation you know.” He makes some weird circular gestures with his hands.

“Hey, don't worry about it. It’s cute” Minhyun says, giggling, and wow, that was unexpected. 

“Don’t make fun of me, I’m struggling here.” Jaehwan keeps it cool. 

“I’m not.” Minhyun answers and his face turns more serious, but still keeping a slight smile. “Making fun of you, I mean.” He looks directly into Jaehwan’s eyes and Jaehwan doesn't know how to answer that. Hell, he doesn’t even know how to interpret it. He feels his ears burn and prays to the heavens he isn’t blushing furiously at the moment. In his incompetence to deal with the situation, Jaehwan just laughs quietly and stares at his guitar for a whole 30 seconds.  He should be able to make a quick comeback, for Christ’s sake. 

“So why do you hate house music so much?” Minhyun breaks the silence and it’s obvious how he noticed Jaehwan’s absolute lack of cool. He’s still forever grateful for the subject change, though, and he’ll not even try to justify his reaction, hoping Minhyun will dismiss it as him being just bad at getting compliments, instead of having to do with the fact that it’s Minhyun being - maybe - flirtatious.

Like he is to everyone , Jaehwan has to remind himself.    

“I don't hate it.” Oh but he does “It’s just not my favorite thing in the world, you know? I tend to prefer music with actual instruments in it”

“Oh, so you’re a snob.” Minhyun makes an exaggerated face. 

“I am not!!! Don’t twist my words!!!” Jaehwan fakes indignation but he really is semi-offended. He hates both house and snobs. “I like some electro too, but it has to be in moderation.”

“Nah, I got you.” Minhyun chuckles. “I’m more of a ballad guy myself if I’m being honest”

“Makes sense. You do look like a ballad guy. A ballad guy who wears suits very often.”

“This is strangely specific. Should I be offended by that claim? Are you calling me boring?” Again, the fake outrage and Jaehwan is really enjoying all the playfulness going on. He missed that kind of talk, carefree, not business related. It was refreshing.  

“You’ve said it, not me. And I really like suits. They just don’t like me back.” Jaehwan jokes and wow, all of his nerves have calmed down 100% and he’s just comfortable now.  “Truth be told, I’ve never thought you were boring. Kind of intimidating, yeah, but never boring”

“Why?” Minhyun shoots, immediately, unexpectedly. 

“Hmm?” 

“Why did you think I was intimidating?” Minhyun frowns. “Is it because I’m so handsome?” He then smiles teasingly and it’s both blinding and funny. Jaehwan laughs quietly. “Or is it because I’ve been in the industry for so long?”

“You know why… you have this… look . I mean, of course you are gorgeous -” Jaehwan blurts out accidentally but he feels okay with it, somehow. He feels pretty okay right now. It’s good, to be open and honest. “And you have so much experience and all. But you had this look in your eyes, in the beginning. I don’t really know how to explain it. This unapproachable look. But then it changed. Your eyes, they changed. Sometimes it comes back, though.” Jaehwan doesn’t even know what he’s saying anymore. It happens sometimes, that surge of honesty coming from him. Minhyun doesn’t say anything, doesn’t take those eyes off of him, his mouth slightly open, and there’s a short moment of silence between them, there’s something hanging in the air.

“And now I’m blubbering….” Jaehwan admits, chuckling and looking down, his hands arbitrarily playing with the chords on his guitar. 

“Because I’m intimidating you right now?” Minhyun asks, just like that. Jaehwan looks up again and Minhyun is completely serious and the atmosphere suddenly gets heavy, gets charged with something. Jaehwan feels it in his whole body.  He hesitates before answering. 

“Oh yes you are, and I’m sure you are enjoying this too much” Jaehwan’s voice is shaky when he half-jokes, trying to break the sudden tension but he really is a bit nervous, right now. Like they are playing a game and he’s losing, and it’s not a bad feeling per se, but Jaehwan doesn’t know what to do with it. It’s not carefree or playful anymore. “Aaand, that’s why I'm leaving” Jaehwan gets up, picks up his guitar and - 

“Hey, Jaehwan-ah! Don’t go, I was just joking, come on…” Minhyun holds Jaehwan’s arm, but Jaehwan pulls back slightly, still feeling strange.

“Of course hyung! I’m just - I promised I’d call my mom and I almost forgot it and it’s time, so I can’t risk forgetting it again!”

And he quickly leaves the room, no looking back, hoping he didn’t seem too weird or too rude. But there it is again, that weird mess of feelings he gets whenever they talk, whenever they get too close. Jaehwan needed to escape, even though he isn’t sure he wanted to.

He walks around the building, trying to find an empty soundproof room just to relax and be alone with his thoughts. He really had to call his mom, that wasn’t a complete lie, but first he needs some time to collect himself after that conversation. It’s getting harder to deny the pull, but it’s such a strange thing. They barely know each other; they aren’t even friends and yet… And yet Jaehwan feels there’s something different about him, something different about them.  And it’s pointless and it doesn’t make sense and Jaehwan doesn’t want to overthink it. Maybe “being alone with his thoughts” wasn’t a good idea after all, and he should just get his guitar and distract himself to exhaustion but - But he’s tired of trying so hard to evade his thoughts and it’s already so difficult to stay focused with everything going on with him and around him. He needs to figure this out, to figure himself out.

Maybe it’s just loneliness, though he doesn’t know why he feels lonely. He’s surrounded by people, he has friends here, it makes no sense. It’s all very overwhelming, this confusion. Maybe it was better when Minhyun was actually unapproachable, like he seemed to be, then Jaehwan wouldn’t feel so disconcerted and so stupid all the time he’s near. Maybe Jaehwan should just keep a safe distance from Minhyun. From everybody, really. But again, it’s like his heart wants the opposite, wants him close, as close as possible.

He also wants to sing. That’s a constant in his life. So that’s what he’s gonna do. He finally gets his guitar and starts strumming an acoustic, improvised rendition of Never , not thinking about his teammates or competition or winning. He would call his mom later. Now he would just focus on the music. 

And it feels pretty good.

*

It’s the second round of eliminations and Jaehwan is confused. Sure, he’s happy he survived - he even climbed up a couple of positions and he’s now a tad closer to the Top 20 -  but he lost Sangbin and Insoo in the process and now that he’s the only independent trainee left he feels guilty about it. Survivor’s guilt , that’s what people call it and it hit Jaehwan hard and makes him promise to himself he’ll be more appreciative from now on. They were talented and hardworking and they were good people and now they’re out. That’s the thing about this competition, it’s always bittersweet, no matter the outcome.

Jaehwan has trouble sleeping that night. His mind runs and runs and there are so many possibilities, so many uncertainties. He’s exhausted and he misses his parents and he’s sad and angry about his friends who didn’t make it and he’s happy and touched because he did. It’s almost over and he’s almost there , and Jaehwan gets that glimmer of hope again, that maybe he can do this, that maybe this is possible after all. Even if he doesn’t go all the way and make it to the final group, he managed to get here , to this point. Tens of thousands of people actually voted for him, and these people like him, they like to listen to him, and that’s an amazing thing. So maybe, just maybe, if he doesn’t make it, an agency will pick him and he’ll debut. A small agency, a tiny fanbase. He doesn’t need fame, he doesn’t need to be a big celebrity, he just wants it to be enough for him to be able to live his life doing what he loves. Even if it’s just for a little longer. 

But if he does make it ... If he does make then it would mean he could actually pay back everything his parents had so willingly spent on him. If he makes it he would have people to share his journey with. He would have a bigger platform. He would perform for thousands of people. He would travel the world, they’d said. They would have a World Tour , and Jaehwan has never even left Korea, before, and it would be new and amazing. And he would have a career, after everything is over. He would have an agency. It wouldn’t be a maybe anymore. So when he finally sleeps, he lets himself dream a little bit. He has earned it and tomorrow he would be back to reality anyway.

In his dream, he is on a huge stage looking at a huge audience, bigger than he could have ever imagined. There’s an ocean of blue lights and it’s the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. He looks around him; there are ten other boys on the stage with him. He knows all of them and they are all smiling at him. Minhyun is there and he takes Jaehwan’s hand and moves him to his place in a horizontal line. They all bow in thanks. 

Then they all vanish and he’s left there, alone. The members are gone, the audience is gone. It’s just him. In the dark.

He doesn’t remember anything when he wakes up.

*

Nobody in the Never team was eliminated so they really had to vote people out. Jaehwan is sitting on the floor waiting for the results, legs crossed, biting on his thumb and bouncing out of nervousness. He needs to be ready to leave, he thinks, but at the same time he can’t even imagine leaving. This is his song, he can’t picture himself singing any of the others, it just feels wrong and strange , but he’s the least popular here and he isn’t part of any clique and he needs to accept his fate. So when Jonghyun reveals his name on the board Jaehwan is kind of incredulous. He’s overjoyed, sure, but it’s kind of unbelievable. He lets out an uncontrolled mix of an exhale and a burst of screechy laughter and suddenly everyone is laughing with him and it feels good. Daehwi is the last member to be revealed and then that’s it, the group is ready. He’s in it. It’s too good.

Too good to be true, really. Sungwoon also gets in and Jaehwan loses the main vocal position to him and it’s frustrating. Expected, but frustrating, still. That bridge would fit him like a glove, that high note could change the game for him. He asks himself if staying was a good thing, after all. Maybe he could be the main vocalist for the other groups. But he wanted to stay so much, wanted that song so much and it seemed so impossible for him to be chosen that he didn’t even think that it might not be the best choice for him. Still, he couldn’t help but feel happy? His mind is a mess of feelings and thoughts.

*

The days go by and Jaehwan can’t help but feel a bit excluded in the rehearsals. “Sorry Sorry 2” team is as united as ever and the Brand New Music boys have each other and Jaehwan tries to integrate, he really does, but he can’t help but feel like he’s an outsider. He wonders why they voted him in, wonders if they’re regretting it. Jaehwan wonders if he himself is regretting it.

He finds himself rehearsing alone in a corner more times than he would like to and he asks himself if he’s the one who’s self-isolating and why is he doing that. He looks up and forward, sees Jonghyun and Seongwoo and Minhyun and Sungwoon dancing and laughing. He should get up and go there, talk to them, try to blend in. He wants to have fun, too, he wants to be a part of this, but he’s just one and they are four and they are so cool and tight, Jaehwan doesn’t want to be a bother. And when Jaehwan was about to move from where he was and go look for Woojin to ask if he’s feeling better, he ends up getting caught staring. Hell, he didn’t even know he was staring. Not until Minhyun looks at him with those damned eyes.

*

Then everything happens really fast.

Next thing he knows Minhyun is by his side and they start talking about trivial stuff; then the other boys come along and everyone starts to chat and laugh and that’s how they become a group, all of them. It’s as easy as that, Jaehwan was an idiot to be scared. He finally gets to know Seongwoo, finds out they’re surprisingly similar and they like to laugh at the same stupid shit. The atmosphere is great and they joke whenever they can and they work whenever they should. It’s weird, the way he feels about all of this, it’s like he’s found his place but at the same time he’s scared he’s just an intruder just barging in. He isn’t treated like that - it’s just his insecurities talking, he knows - and he gets better, eventually. It’s the happiest he’s felt since Downpour, maybe even happier. Minhyun and he are back to harmonizing whenever they have the opportunity and that gets them pillow attacks from their roommates at night, which only encourages them to sing louder, until it really is bedtime and the lights are off and silence takes over. They really need their sleep, especially Woojin, who seems like he’s coming down with something and they were all worried about him.

Jaehwan and Minhyun don’t have much alone time, though, which might be a good thing, because there’s always that sensation that something is left unsaid, still. Jaehwan is sure the feeling is only from his side, but he still gets tense and weird and happy when they talk and frankly he isn’t in need of a roller coaster of feelings when he’s trying to focus. He can’t get more involved, he already has to prepare his heart for elimination and consequently separation. After that he’ll have to think about his fate that’s what he’s dreading the most. Now it’s better not to think at all. 

*

They perform and Jaehwan was so tense that, when it’s over, he has to run backstage to find a secret nook and then he just breaks down. He cries and he cries hard and it feels good , actually - it’s a massive release of tension, added to the sensation that it’s going to be the last time he’ll be performing on that stage, maybe the last time he’ll be performing on TV. It’s overwhelming and he has to hide from the others; he hasn’t cried that copiously ever since everything started and he doesn’t want the other boys to see him like that. So when he goes  back to where most of his teammates are gathered his eyes still sting a little and he hopes they aren’t too red. Jonghyun asks him where he was and he says he went to the bathroom and Jonghyun looks at him and knows he’s lying - Jonghyun has this weird talent for instantly capturing other people’s feelings as it seems - and he puts a hand on the back of Jaehwan’s head and says he did well and Jaehwan wants to cry again. 

He sees Minhyun looking at him with a sympathetic expression, but pretends he doesn’t and looks around at his other teammates, trying to find out where Woojin is. 

When he finds out Woojin’s off to the hospital Jaehwan feels stupid for crying. And it only makes him want to cry harder. 

*

They lose to the Open Up team and they’re pretty okay with it. Of course Jaehwan wants to perform on M Countdown but this isn’t really the main objective; they performed really well - Jaehwan recalls now that the adrenaline has gone down - and the song is great, and his teammates are quite optimistic about the repercussions of it all. He can’t wait until the episode airs, until he finds out how the public feels about the song. But he kind of fears it, also. The clock was ticking and elimination was close and this time he’s pretty sure only a miracle would make him survive. 

He goes to Sewoon’s room that night. Both of them have their guitars and they jam a little bit with along with Youngmin and Donghan and some of the Oh Little Girl boys. They sing and chat and eat and it’s fun ; it helps taking Jaehwan’s mind out of stuff for a while, but then the boys go to sleep and Jaehwan stays and they have to dim their voices. They chat for a little while and then everything turns silent, but neither of them wants to go to sleep just yet. 

They are sitting in Sewoon’s top bunk bed, backs leaning on the wall, and the lights are already off when Sewoon cautiously asks Jaehwan if he had been crying earlier in the day.

“You did so well, so I imagined it’s wasn’t about that. That’s why it got me worried.” He says, and even though Jaehwan doesn’t really want to talk about this, it really warms his heart, to know his friend cares about him. He wonders how he could’ve found out, though. Was his face that swollen and his eyes that red?

“I guess… I guess I was just overwhelmed…” Jaehwan sighs and leans closer to Sewoon, shoulder to shoulder, like he’s about to share a secret. “By everything, you know.” He gesticulates. “I was so nervous - so, so nervous; I’m not sure why... Probably because I know it will be my last per-” But Sewoon didn’t let him finish.

“Don’t say that. You’ll rise, you’ll see it.” He interrupts, voice as calm as ever. He pats Jaehwan’s arm, his hand light, and he sounds so sure of it, so genuine. Jaehwan doesn’t know if that means he’s optimistic or just naive. Maybe he just wants to make Jaehwan feel better. 

“I didn’t stand out. I did well enough, we all did, but I just didn’t stand out. I'm not getting much screen time, not anymore. Not after those first two episodes.” He shakes his head. “And I’m 24th, I’m below the cutline.” Jaehwan’s voice shakes a little “I need to be ready, Sewoonie. And I still don’t know what to do after the moment comes. I don’t know if someone will sign me and even if they do, I don’t know if I'll be debuting.” It’s weird, because he’d never thought he would make it, not when he first joined the show. But as he got further his dream grew closer and the possibility of loss became bitter. He should just go back to his initial plan: to get enough people to listen to him so he could just keep doing music. So he could make a living doing what he loves, which was already difficult enough. So why does that seem so far, now? Why does it feel like it’s all or nothing?

Sewoon stays silent, but looks at him with those big eyes and they’re full of kindness and understanding. Jaehwan goes on. “I just want to make music… that’s all I wanna do .” 

And it’s weird, but when Jaehwan says those words he feels a weird headache, a strange, dissonant, feeling. All I wanna do. All I wanna do Wa - The sentence is repeating itself inside his head, seemingly unfinished, like he’s forgetting to say something. Did he want to say anything else to Sewoon? Jaehwan doesn't know - He shakes his head violently, shakes the feeling away. He’s probably too tired to function. 

“I know, hyung. I know.” Sewoon and then says and Jaehwan knows he does. He rubs his eyes; he’s feeling better now. There is a pause and then Jaehwan remembers something.

“But how did you know I was… you know, crying…?” He clears his throat and asks Sewoon, suddenly curious.

“It was Minhyun-hyung. He came to me earlier, told me he was worried about you and asked if I knew something” Sewoon exhales. “I was kinda surprised. Didn’t know you guys were that close.”

Jaehwan is a little bit startled by this piece of information. His heart automatically jumps at the sound of Minhyun’s name. He’s worried about me , he thinks. He actually cares . And Jaehwan is invaded by this feeling of longing for something he never had, something he will never have and it’s getting out of hand, the way he feels about Minhyun. They aren’t that close and they’ve known each other less than four months, but it feels like it’s been so much longer, feels that they are supposed to - 

He doesn’t know what they’re supposed to. He doesn’t know what he’s thinking about. “Ah.” He tries his best not to sound too affected. “I didn’t think he noticed that.” It’s a lie. They had looked at each other, he knew Minhyun had noticed it. He just didn’t know he would care like this. 

“Yeah, he did. He seems to be a very kind person.” Sewoon half-whispers, half-yawns. “He takes care of the younger trainees a lot”

“Yeah” Jaehwan answers and his voice barely comes out. “Yeah, he does.”

*

It’s time. 

Jaehwan knew it was coming, he’s been preparing himself thoroughly. 

He’s not surprised when they reveal the four trainees competing for the 20th position and he doesn’t see himself on screen. He’s not really sure what he feels, he isn’t sad or angry, though he’ll probably get there, eventually. Now he’s just numb. And there’s a weird sense of relief; it’s over, there’s nothing he can do to reverse it. His body stops shaking, his stomach stops hurting and he finally feels like he can breathe. At least for now. 

He goes to the other eliminated trainees to says his “ Goodbyes” and “ Thank Yous” and “ It’s Okays” and they do the same for him. Some of them are crying, some, like Jaehwan, are just stoic and numb. But there’s a lot of pain, there always is, in days like this. The difference is that this time he’s on the other side. He spends some time with Donghan and Donghyun and he stays a little longer with an inconsolable Hyunbin. Seeing him like that is the first thing that makes him hurt, makes it real. But the tears still won’t come. 

He stays a bit with Jonghyun. Then he says his goodbyes to Daniel and to a very clingy Seonho that doesn’t want to let go of his hand. He looks around, head up, on his tiptoes, looking for some specific trainees, and that’s when he sees Sewoon’s big eyes looking at him in the distance. Jaehwan starts walking in his friend’s direction, preparing himself not to hurt too much in the process of saying goodbye to him, but then he feels a cold hand grab his forearm, pulling him hard and dragging him somewhere else, somewhere unknown. It’s too fast and Jaehwan’s doesn’t really have the time to process what’s going on until he’s standing in a quiet, dimly lit storage room. He hears the sound of the door getting closed behind him, and then there’s Minhyun, who’s looking at him with an anguished, restless expression and just the sight of him makes Jaehwan’s chest hurt.

“This wasn't supposed to happen,” Minhyun says before Jaehwan could even think of asking him anything. He seems out of breath; fidgety and tense and Jaehwan has never seen him like that before. He wonders what’s going on; maybe it’s just his way of showing solidarity? It feels too raw, though, too intense. So Jaehwan tries to calm him down.

“It's alright, hyung. I'm pretty okay with it, I promise.” Jaehwan tells him, trying to sound calm and controlled. He even gives Minhyun a small smile. 

But Minhyun shakes his head, unsatisfied. “It’s not that... It’s just - it feels wrong . It feels so wrong. So wrong ” He shakes his head again like he’s in distress.

“Hey, it’s really alright, I’m not even sur -” 

Jaehwan tries, but Minhyun interrupts him “No it’s not… I don’t - I don’t even know how to explain it, I just feel - ” Minhyun pulls a little at his own hair, screws his eyes tight for a second and breathes deep. Jaehwan feels at a loss. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Minhyun says and he sounds like he’s trying to calm himself down. “I don’t know what’s happening. I didn’t mean to make this about me, I was supposed to be grateful.” He gulps. “And to try to give you some comfort, but - ”

“Hyung.” Jaehwan makes sure to look directly into Minhyun’s eyes. “It’s okay. I’m okay.” And Minhyun stops talking, but he still has that pained look in his eyes and Jaehwan feels like he needs to do something .

So he proceeds to give him a hug, and maybe he does it to try and calm Minhyun down, but maybe it’s just a selfish way to feel him, to have him close, at least once.

He hugs Minhyun and it’s supposed to be short and respectful, but Minhyun just melts into it and it’s so unexpected  - everything that just happened was so unexpected - Jaehwan doesn’t really know how to act, what to think. So they just stay there, in their embrace, for what it feels like an eternity; Minhyun’s arms gripping firmly at Jaehwan’s jacket, Jaehwan’s head resting on Minhyun’s shoulder. 

But then Minhyun starts to move a bit, bringing their bodies closer together, his hand traveling up and down Jaehwan’s back, his nose tickling Jaehwan’s neck. Then his fingers are running through Jaehwan’s hair and Jaehwan didn’t know a hug could be so intense, could make him feel so much. His heart is thumping loud and he feels like he forgot how to breathe; there is something more there, Jaehwan isn't going crazy. He can’t be. And he doesn’t really know how to respond, because what he really wants is to touch Minhyun all over, to hug him tighter and kiss his mouth and taste his skin and -

And Minhyun takes Jaehwan’s face between his hands and kisses him . Tender, just a press of lips. And it’s not an accident - it’s definitely deliberate and it’s everything Jaehwan has ever dreamed of, but it's so startling, so  impossible, that Jaehwan just freezes. He stays perfectly still and it’s just for a moment, but when snaps awake, when he’s about to respond, when his hands reach out to touch Minhyun’s face, that’s when he feels Minhyun step back. He feels Minhyun’s body slip away, taking with him all of that comfort and warmth and it feels horrible . It feels empty and cold, and Jaehwan just stands there looking down, not knowing what to do with his own body, with his own heart, for what it feels like ages. 

Neither of them speaks or even look at each other in the eyes before Jaehwan gathers the courage to say goodbye, desperately hoping Minhyun do something that will stop him from leaving. 

“I… I have to find Sewoon. Congratulations, Minhyun-hyung.” Jaehwan says, voice shaking as he lifts his head to look at Minhyun. Please say something. 

“So… farewell and - you’re gonna do wonderful, yeah. Goodbye, hyung.”

Anything. 

But Minhyun just nods at him and the only words that come out from his mouth are good luck Jaehwanie . His voice is barely audible and he doesn’t even look at Jaehwan properly before he leaves the room. 

* 

Jaehwan finally cries, his head resting on Sewoon’s shoulder, and it feels like he’s been hit with an avalanche of emotion. It’s overwhelming, but he feels a bit lighter, after it stops.  To let everything out, it always feels better. He’d gotten his heart broken twice that day and even though Sewoon doesn’t know half of the story, it’s good to finally let himself think about it, about everything. To let himself feel , no matter how painful it is.

“You better make it,” Jaehwan says, sniffling. “You have to make it. For me.” Jaehwan can see some silent tears coming from his friend’s eyes. He’d never seen Sewoon cry before. 

“I will, hyung.” Sewoon nods. “I’ll do my best, I promise.” 

They say their goodbyes and make promises to each other to stay in touch and before Jaehwan could leave, when he’s at the door, ready to go to his dorm get his stuff, he hears Sewoon’s voice, for the last time. 

“Please don’t give up.” He says, quietly.

And Jaehwan has to stop himself from breaking down once more. He turns around and nods, with the saddest smile on his face. 

“I won’t.” Jaehwan tells him. 

He doesn’t know yet if he’s telling the truth. He needs to rest, to sleep, to hug his mom and dad. Then he’ll think. About his career. About all of this.

About him .

*

Jaehwan is alone in their dorm room, now. The only eliminated trainee in the Never team , he lets out a humorless chuckle. 

He packs hurriedly but silently, hoping nobody will come in. He doesn’t really want to talk to anyone right now,  has already said his farewells. He’s tired, he just wants to go home. 

But before leaving for good, Jaehwan needs to do one more thing. He doesn’t care about his pride anymore, he doesn’t care if he seems pathetic. So he writes Minhyun a note. He doesn’t sign it, doesn’t feel like he needs to.

Jaehwan carefully sets the piece of paper on Minhyun’s bed, right over his pillow. 

He goes gets his luggage. The room is still empty. 

He turns the lights off.

*

You were unreachable and suddenly I had you within my grasp. I didn’t know what to do. It was too good to be true and I couldn’t react. 

I hope that wasn’t a mistake. I hope you don’t regret it.

I hope you will live a good life. I hope you will remember me. 

*

Everything was like a dream. It’s time for Jaehwan to wake up.

*

Jaehwan’s parents welcome him with open arms. They hug him tight and, in between tears, they tell him words of comfort, they say they’re proud of him, that they love him more than anything, and he missed them so much . His mom makes his favorite hot meal and they all eat together, just before they all go to sleep in the same bed. It’s just like how it used to be, before. 

*

A representative for a small, unknown company calls him just a few days after his elimination. 

He tells Jaehwan that they were getting ready to debut a new boy group, that they were in need of a main vocalist and that they were very impressed with his performance on the show. He says he’ll send Jaehwan the contract and give him some time to read it, and fixes up a meeting with Jaehwan for after the Produce 101 Concert, when his contract with Mnet expires.  

“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.” His father tells him. “Do you wish to be in a group? Do you want to keep dancing?” 

Jaehwan doesn’t really know it, not yet. He enjoys dancing, now, he really does. It’s the thought of having to go through the trainee process all over again, with people he doesn’t know, that scares him. Debuting wasn’t a guarantee, either.  Despite what they’d told him. He knew a company’s Lingo, his time with Music Works taught him that. It would be a shot in the dark. But it’s a shot. Maybe the only one he has. 

He’s going to wait. Someone else might still contact him, offer him something different. The show isn’t even over yet.   

*

He goes out with his best friend Jinseo and he has lunch with Sangbin and it’s good to catch up in a different environment and all. Sangbin says he was rooting for him like crazy, that all of the independent trainees were, and that they were “so proud of how far you got, Jaehwanie. You were amazing, seriously.” 

Jaehwan tells him about the offer he got and Sangbin is very honest with him. “You should try to go solo.”  He shoots. “I know you must be tempted to take anything they offer you right now. It’s hard. I’m there, too.” He looks Jaehwan in the eye. “But it’s early, there’s time. Think about it.” Jaehwan only nods at him. 

“But what I’m saying doesn’t matter. Do what’s right for you .” Sangbin says, shoving a rice cake into his mouth. 

When Jaehwan asks what are his plans, Sangbin gets all excited, tells him he got a proposition and shows him his revamped Soundcloud account, and Jaehwan doesn’t even realize how hard he’s smiling. 

* 

He has to go back to the auditorium for the finale and he’s not looking forward to it. It’s a bittersweet feeling - it’s good to see his friends again, but everything is still too recent, too fresh. He wishes he had more time away before having to come back. 

He sits besides Hyunbin and it’s good to see him doing well. He has a big project coming up, he whispers to Jaehwan. “But it’s a secret.” He says, pressing his index finger to his mouth, like he’s demanding silence. “Nobody can know, okay?” 

*

Minhyun is on stage and he’s a superstar and Jaehwan’s heart feels smaller, tender. 

It’s weird, seeing him again. They haven’t talked ever since the elimination, ever since the -- incident .

Jaehwan had waited for it. He’d waited for a call, a message, anything . He’s still waiting, he can’t help it. Maybe Minhyun really is too busy, too nervous, too focused. Jaehwan understands.   

Maybe Minhyun just regrets it. 

Jaehwan has been trying his hardest not to make up every possible scenario, to imagine every possible reaction Minhyun could’ve had when he found Jaehwan’s little note on his pillow. He’s been repeating and rewinding their moment in the storage room every night inside his head, before he goes to sleep. It has a different ending, in Jaehwan’s imagination. A happier ending. 

* 

They call Minhyun’s name. Jaehwan’s heart eases up a little and he feels the corner of his lips lift up in relief. It feels right. It feels deserved. He wishes he could be there, with him. Hyunbin squeezes his hand really tight and Jaehwan looks at him and he’s ecstatic ; he has the widest smile on his face and is almost jumping out of his chair.  

Jaehwan asks himself if he should go congratulate Minhyun, after it’s over. He wonders if Minhyun even wants to talk to him. They hadn’t made eye contact the entire night.  

He’ll decide when they get there.

*  

BoA keeps calling new trainees. MMO’s Yoon Jisung. Cube’s Lai Guanlin. Brand New Music’s Park Woojin. 

Jaehwan is happy for them, he really is. But Sewoon hasn’t been called yet and they’re about to announce the fourth place, now. The possibilities are running short and everything is taking so long . He’s starting to feel even more anxious.

He closes his eyes and keeps mentally chanting Starship Jeong Sewoon, Starship Jeong Sewoon, please call him - 

Jaehwan’s hands are starting to sweat. He feels like he can’t breathe properly, somehow. Maybe it’s just the heat. It’s June, after all. He loosens his tie and the collar of his shirt, trying to ease up this uncomfortable feeling in his throat. But the music is too loud , and he feels his head spinning. Jaehwan closes his eyes, overwhelmed.  - why is he feeling like this?  - 

Then it hits him; he knows what this is. He has felt this before. The familiar pain in his chest is here now, too, so is the weird feeling in his heart. And -

And he’s there, somehow. He’s there onstage with the trainees who hadn’t been called yet, waiting for his name to be announced. It’s like he’s looking at himself and he’s there and he’s terrified. 

He lowers his head, embraces his own knees, squeezes his eyes harder. He waits for it to go away, why is this happening again, why is this happening now? 

Why isn’t it going away?

*

Jaehwan wakes up at the infirmary room backstage. 

“You fainted.” Jiyeon, one of Mnet’s nursing assistants, tells him as she hands him a glass of water. “Your blood pressure is fine, you don’t show signs of dehydration... Your blood sugar is okay, as well.  And they told me you were sitting down . It’s strange.” 

It’s strange indeed , Jaehwan thinks. He’s still pretty out of it.

“You should look into this, you really should.” She says, a worried look on her face. Jaehwan nods.

“Are they still announcing?” He asks, voice hoarse. 

“Yeah.” She turns the small television on. “We brought you right after Seongwoo was called.” She tells him with a very pleased smile. “It’s been only five minutes, or so.”

Jaehwan looks at the TV screen. Park Jihoon and Daniel are competing for first place, now, and Jaehwan’s mind is hit by a sudden thought. 

“Did they film it? Did they broadcast it?” He asks, already embarrassed. 

“Nah, I highly doubt it. It’s the finale . They were too busy filming the contenders.” Jaehwan is relieved. “And it would be bad publicity.” She adds.

“Can I stay for a while? I need to know if my friend’s gonna make it.” There’s still the eleventh place left.  

“You don’t have to go back, if you don’t feel well enough.” She says, her voice sweet, and Jaehwan is tempted. “I can help you get into a taxi if you want to. The private exit shouldn’t be super crowded.” 

“Okay.” He says. “Okay, that would be nice.”

On the screen, Sewoon is being announced as the 11th member of Wanna One.

*

You’re a coward . Jaehwan tells himself.

It’s already dawn and he’s tucked into his bed. There are quite a few unread messages on his KakaoTalk; Donghan, Hyunbin, even Daniel, first place Daniel , wanting to know what happened to him.

Nothing from Minhyun. 

That’s when he realizes that he doesn’t remember hearing Jonghyun’s name being called, and it’s such a hard thing to believe that he has to check Naver to make sure. He comes across a ton of pictures of Minhyun looking inconsolable, surrounded by trainees and groupmates trying to comfort him. It makes Jaehwan’s heart clench, that he can’t even celebrate his own accomplishment. He must be drowning in guilt and it’s unfair, and Jaehwan should’ve been there for him. 

But it might be better like this, if Minhyun doesn’t want him close. He has many friends that’ll do a good job taking care of him, Jaehwan knows that. 

*

Jaehwan should be there for Sewoon, too, so he sends him a long, detailed message, congratulating him and explaining what happened and why he wasn’t there. He promises they would meet as soon as possible “ when your schedule allows, because you’re going to be so busy now!!!! Please don’t forget about your friend and hyung who cares about you a lot and is very happy for you. Thank you for keeping your promise.”

He spends more than five minutes just staring at Minhyun’s number before writing him a generic message. “Congratulations, Minhyun-hyung. You deserve this so much. I wish you a lot of happiness and success.”  

He doesn’t press “send”.

Minhyun must be feeling overwhelmed now, with all of those conflicting feelings. He’ll send something later, after things settle down a bit. He’ll write him something better. Maybe they’ll actually talk, after. About everything.  That would be nice. 

Jaehwan puts his phone down. Turns his night light off. 

It’s over now , he thinks. At least until the concert. His eyelids are heavy. It’s been a long night.

It’s been a long year . And it’s only June. 

Maybe tomorrow he would finally feel strong enough to make a decision about his future. 

Maybe he’ll wake up and everything will be easier.