Work Text:
Truth or Dare
It was a bright sunny day, a wonderful day to be out and about, and sitting across from each other in a Mexican restaurant were two men on their first date together after having met on an online dating site. Vincent Valentine was looking to test the waters and perhaps have a little fun after having spent a long time out of the dating game, Sephiroth was looking for something a little more serious, but either way the two men had found themselves on this date together. Now that they'd gotten this far, they were unsure of what to do. Talking in person was much harder than it was on the internet.
Sephiroth scratched the back of his head and ran his fingers through his long silver hair. “So, uh, what do you want to talk about?”
Vincent sighed. “I dunno. What did you say you do for a living?”
“I'm a chemistry professor at the university. My PhD is in inorganic chemistry. Yourself?”
“A PhD? Cooool. I illustrate gory comic books and gun safety pamphlets.”
“An artist? Interesting...”
They fell into an awkward silence once more. The silence was uncomfortable and they could each tell the other one was bored. Then a little lightbulb appeared over Vincent's head, which puzzled the shit out of Sephiroth, though he chose not to say anything about it.
“I have an idea.” said Vincent, his long, black hair falling forward over his shoulders as he leaned forward in earnest.
Sephiroth perked up ever so slightly. “And what's that?”
“Let's play a game!”
“A game?”
“Yes, a game.”
“Do you have something in mind?”
“Yes.”
“And what kind of game is this?”
“Truth or Dare.”
“Like what teenage girls play at sleepovers?”
“Hey, don't knock it til you've tried it!”
“I'm sorry, I just didn't realize men played it.”
“I'm gay.”
“I should hope so.”
Vincent smiled. “Alright then, do you want to play?”
“Sure, why not?”
“Okay, you go first. Truth or dare?”
Sephiroth thought for a moment. “Truth.”
“Running for the safety of truth I see. Fine. Are you circumcised or uncircumcised?”
Sephiroth's face flushed. “Um... circumcised?”
“Nice. Now it's my turn.”
“Okay, truth or dare?”
“How about truth?”
Sephiroth leaned in and whispered, “Do I have a chance?”
“Maybe, although you'll have a better one if you take a dare.”
“Then I choose dare.”
“Good.” said Vincent with a mischievous glint in his red eyes. He looked around briefly until his eyes lit up. “I dare you to go over and cup that man's ass.”
Sephiroth turned to look where Vincent was pointing and saw a big, burly, scary looking man standing at the bar.
“Oh no no no no! That man is absolutely terrifying! He could bench press my ass!”
“Well, I guess I could just leave and get my nails done. They are looking a tad bit bleak. And I have some illustrations to work on...”
“Well, let's not be hasty, I mean I guess I can do this.”
“Good, then do it. Come on, off you go!”
Sephiroth stood up tentatively and made his way over to the bar. Standing somewhat conspicuously with his back to the bar, he inched his way sideways over to the big, scary man. Then, very cautiously, he reached his hand around... and cupped the man's ass.
Immediately, the frightening behemoth of a man turned to Sephiroth.
“Hey! You there! Why I oughta....”
The man grabbed the front of Sephiroth's shirt and pulled back his fist as Sephiroth apologized profusely.
“I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! It was a dare, I swear!”
Just as big and scary was about to put Sephiroth in the hospital with a severe case of “What the hell were you thinking man?!”, the man's friend grabbed his fist and said, “No amigo, it's not worth it man.”
“I guess you're right.” said the scary man. “My big, scary wife hates bailing me out of jail.” He shuddered, thinking of what his big, scary wife would do to him and released his hold on Sephiroth, who hurried back to the table, where Vincent was snickering with his hand over his mouth.
As Sephiroth sat down, he said quickly, “Truth or dare?”, rage evident in his voice.
“Dare.”
“Good. How about YOU try and cup that man's ass?”
“Ah ah ah.” scolded Vincent. “You can't dare me the same dare I gave you. You have to think of something new.”
Sephiroth surveyed the restaurant until his eyes settled on the ideal target. Perfect...
He grinned deviously. “You see that blind kid over there?”
Vincent turned around to see a blind child happily celebrating his birthday, the candles on his cake were just being lit.
“Yeees...” Vincent said warily.
“I dare you to blow out his candles before he gets a chance to.”
Vincent's jaw almost hit the table when it dropped.
“I-I can't do that! That's just cruel!”
“Well you know, I don't have to be here. I have some lab reports to grade at home, and I was thinking of watching some old Bill Nye the Science Guy...”
“Okay, okay! I'll do it! But this is war!”
Vincent crept over to the birthday party and slipped his way to the front of the crowd, right next to the birthday boy.
“Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday dear Timmy, Happy Birthday to you! Yaaaay!!!”
Timmy took a deep breath. Vincent leaned in and blew out the candles. The whole party went silent and watched as Vincent crept away and went back to his seat. Timmy happily blew on his extinguished candles, smiling gleefully the whole time, but somewhat confused at the silence. Oh well. He was getting cake and presents. He was hoping for an Etch-a-Sketch!
Then, the Great Dare War began. Asking “Truth or dare?” was no longer necessary.
Vincent dared Sephiroth to drink an entire bottle of hot sauce in an attempt to make him feel pain. It worked. Sephiroth then had to drink an entire gallon of milk.
“I dare you to make guacamole with your dick!” demanded Sephiroth, still panting from the heat of the hot sauce on his tongue.
Vincent lifted an eyebrow and laughed. Then with a wink he said, “You just wanna see my penis don't you honey?” Sephiroth blushed.
The kitchen staff was confused, but nonetheless, they brought Vincent the ingredients, and everyone gathered around to watch Vincent skillfully make top-notch guacamole with his dick.
“Now I dare you to eat my dick-amole!” challenged Vincent.
“You just want your dick in my mouth.” joked Sephiroth. It was Vincent's turn to blush. “Very well.” said Sephiroth. “Waitress, bring me some tortilla chips please!”
Then, the dares began getting more extreme. With Sephiroth filled with hot sauce, milk, and dick-amole, food related challenges became increasingly more unappealing, as well as simply not being absurd enough.
“I dare you to get lip injections.” said Sephiroth.
“What?! Fine! It's on!”
So Vincent found a doctor to perform the operation. In the operating room, the doctor looked at Sephiroth through the viewing window. Sephiroth put his fingers to his face and stretched out his lips, indicating for the doctor to make Vincent's lips as wide and ridiculous as possible. The doctor raised an eyebrow, but complied with Sephiroth's request.
Then, Vincent, encouraged by his new lips, dared Sephiroth to get a penis tattooed on his face. As the penis was being etched into Sephiroth's face, Vincent told the artist, “Make it drippy.”. The artist nodded.
Aggravated by his drippy penis face, Sephiroth then dared Vincent to get breast implants. Big ones.
Back in the operating room, the doctor once again looked at Sephiroth through the viewing window. Sephiroth motioned with his hands in front of his chest as if he were holding a very massive pair of boobs. The doctor once again lifted an eyebrow and complied.
Leaving the plastic surgeon, Sephiroth examined Vincent's new rack. “Very nice.” he laughed. Vincent mumbled under his breath. As they walked down the sidewalk, Vincent spotted an Asian man and came up with a brilliant idea.
“Sephiroth, I dare you to get plastic surgery to look like an Asian man.”
Sephiroth blanched, but a dare was a dare, so it was back to the operating room where this time it was Vincent the doctor looked at through the viewing window. When Vincent pulled at the corners of his eyes, the doctor no longer raised an eyebrow, he just sighed. And complied.
Finally at the end of the day, Sephiroth and Vincent stood outside Vincent's apartment door. Sephiroth, an Asian man with a penis on his face, Vincent, a feminine man with huge lips and huge breasts.
Sephiroth scratched the back of his head. “So, uh, are you gonna invite me in?”
“I'm sorry, I'm just, I'm not into Asian men. I'm sorry.”
“Oh.”
Vincent went into his apartment and shut the door. Sephiroth stood with his head hung low in sadness. Vincent must not have liked him that way anyway if he gave him that dare. Sephiroth sighed and started to turn around. Suddenly, Vincent's door opened.
“Ha! I'm just kidding! Now get in here! I gotta give these titties some action!”
A huge grin plastered itself to Sephiroth's face as he quickly hurried into the apartment behind Vincent. Then they proceeded to have really, really weird sex which I won't scar you by describing.