Chapter Text
Things were not happy, but they were simple. They weren’t happy, not content with their lives, but the two of them had one another. Small blessings.
Such small blessings -- so limited, too -- that Shen Jiu had to keep what he had to himself, hoard it away, and that included Yue Qi. It would be demeaning to think of him as just a child being possessive over a playmate. Things were simple, but not that simple. They were not like other children, not so blessed as to have truly simple circumstances.
Shen Jiu was possessive, to be sure, but Yue Qi was more than a playmate (though he was that as well -- when they had the time, the energy, or the heart to play). Yue Qi was an ally, a confidant, a rock, and as they neared adolescence, perhaps the object of Shen Jiu’s affections as well. Yue Qi was all important to Shen Jiu, and he would not be relinquished if it could be helped.
It wasn’t, exactly, that Shen Jiu needed Yue Qi; he had learned in difficult ways that he could get by on his own, that he was clever enough to do so. But Shen Jiu wanted him, and perhaps his heart needed him, even if he could manage without him.
After all, Shen Jiu could see how Yue Qi was weak to him. He used it at every opportunity to draw the two of them closer together, and closer still. He really wanted their bond to be unbreakable, for Yue Qi to be with him always, care for him always. If he could depend on this one thing, this one person, he knew he would be able to content himself with that.
In the middle of the night, he would cling to Yue Qi for warmth -- consciously and otherwise. He would listen carefully to his companion’s breathing to know how he had affected him. Shen Jiu would learn the very pattern of Yue Qi’s heartbeats if it would mean something.
He would share any necessities he was blessed with only with Yue Qi. It was a harsh world -- one where, Shen Jiu had learned, people could only afford to watch out for themselves. But he made an exception for Yue Qi, his one and only trusted confidant.
“One day,” Shen Jiu whispered against the warmth of Yue Qi’s chest under the cover of night, “we’ll have our freedom. Whatever way we have to seize it. Only… don’t go without me.” Shen Jiu’s voice was full of pleading, and he could feel the way Yue Qi hugged him tighter, but it was not the chill in the air that made him do so. That sort of hug felt different.
“I won’t leave you.”
“It’s a promise.”
Inseparable. Something more. Not miserable, but more than that. Happy, together, alive and well, free. There were so many things Shen Jiu wanted to be, and he knew his heart was set on being them with Yue Qi.
“Qi-ge?”
Shen Jiu knew Yue Qi liked that name. He never said so, but Shen Jiu knew him too well not to notice. He never protested, but it was more than that. There was a speed to his heart rate, a particular way he breathed, and a look in his eyes. Shen Jiu knew them all.
“What is it, Xiao Jiu?”
Yue Qi had an affectionate name for him in return. It made Shen Jiu smile, made him feel--
“Do you love me?”
The question was as much to draw on Yue Qi’s feeling as it was for Shen Jiu’s own assurance. That show of vulnerability was also a show of trust, particularly in their circumstances. He hoped it would foster closeness, attachment -- even more than they already had.
Yue Qi’s hand stroked his back before he opened his mouth.
“I care deeply for you, Xiao Jiu, you know this.”
That was important, of course, but not the answer Shen Jiu was looking for. Attachment was the first step. Then came care. They had made it al the way to caring deeply, but that left love. Shen Jiu, despite his self reliance born of necessity, did want to be loved. What form the love took, for the time being, wasn’t important. They were young, and there was time to sort it all out.
But Shen Jiu wanted to be loved by Yue Qi.
“I do know. But do you love me?” It was a further show of vulnerability too, and made Shen Jiu pause to consider, but he decided to take the leap. In a soft voice, he added, “I love you.”
Yue Qi’s breathing did something, then, that it rarely did, and seemed to stop completely.
There were other children their age who would call Shen Jiu manipulative for lesser things (and greater). He’d grown to believe some of the type of character they assigned to him. If it was what got him by, he would be manipulative.
But here, the difference was that Shen Jiu said those words with the utmost honesty. He wanted something in return, but he offered his own sincerity first. For once, too, he couldn’t say whether it would sway the results.
Perhaps Yue Qi was afraid, in the same way Shen Jiu was afraid. Was Yue Qi afraid that anything he loved would be taken away? Did he hesitate because of this, or because of genuine uncertainty of his own feelings?
For Shen Jiu’s part, he feared the person he loved dearly not loving him back. He feared that the one person he had opened his heart to would not feel the same.
Such big fears for such small beings.
The silence stretched on for much too long, leaving Shen Jiu vulnerable.
But Yue Qi has always been the only one capable of catching Shen Jiu. He pulled him closer, holding him tight, firm in his arms; safe and protected.
“I do love you, Xiao Jiu. More than anyone.”
Shen Jiu relaxed, and even in the chill of the night, felt warm enough to rest easy. In that moment, even in this dark, cold world, Shen Jiu felt capable of believing in the power of love.