Archive of Our Own

He imagined what it would be like to go without his powers again. To live life not being able to breach places or vibe unpleasant things that made him stomach curl. 

To not go into the line of fire and put his life on the line every day in the field. 

And that part was enticing, it really was.

In the beginning, he’d loved his powers. He loved being able to help people in that way, to feel in control of everything most of the time. 

He loved his powers for a long time. For three years or so, his powers had been a gift.

But then things with DeVoe and Cicada happened and he began questioning whether or not he’d ever be able to have a real life. 

Someone to grow old with, someone to have kids with, someone to share a ratty, old apartment and get two dogs and a cat with.

And then he thought about his life before his powers, when Team Flash had been Barry, Wells, Caitlin, and himself. 

He’d had no powers then, had only been Barry’s tech guy. He had LOVED  his life. Had felt like he was able to have a life outside all of the Team Flags stuff because he didn’t have the responsibility of having powers.

So sure, all that definitely tipped the scales in favor of getting rid of his powers. 

And then he met Kamilla, who was nice and beautiful and made him feel normal for once. 

She didn’t have powers, was still relatively untouched by the horrors metahumans had brought to his life. 

It was a nice change, one that he intended to keep for as long as possible.  

Yet still, he could not get her out of his head. 

No, not just metaphorically, but literally. They were still connected through their powers.

Their bond had been so incredibly strong, when they were dating he could feel her emotional spikes from earths away.

That had been a blessing when they dated, a comfort that she was still okay and he’d see her soon, alive and well.

But after their breakup, it was a curse. It hurt to feel her pain, her sadness, her anger. It hurt to feel any of her emotions because all it did was make him miss her more. 

What’s worse, sometimes he got flashes of her. What she was doing at the moment.

It was usually mundane things, when she was tired after a long day and didn’t have the energy to keep his consciousness away from hers. 

He used to cherish the moments when she was just cuddled up on her couch, sipping some of the coffee he so generously sent her home with every other week. 

He could feel everything, like he was actually there. The heat from her body and the coffee, the warmth from the tiny fireplace that sat across from her couch. 

And it was the worst kind of torture imaginable. To sit there and feel what he used to be able to freely feel. 

Her body against his as they slept, cozy in his bed. His chin tucked in the curve of her neck, their hair mingling on the pillow and her hands grasping his around her waist. 

It wasn’t fair, how little time he actually got to spend with her while falling for her so hard he could scarcely handle his infatuation some days. 

Sometimes he thought that’s what scared her away. The depth and strength of his feelings.  

Now, without his powers, he couldn’t feel that connection anymore. He’d taken the cure a mere day ago and there was no hint of her feelings, her thoughts, no sign that they were connected at all.

And yet, he couldn’t decide if that was a good thing or not.

It was things like this that he debated, by himself, sitting at his kitchen as he sipped his morning coffee. 

His first normal morning as a human in years. 

Of course, that morning had to interrupted by metas. It had to. 

What he didn’t expect, was the meta that interrupted his morning.

He was just reading some news article about a Pulitzer Prize winner in California when he saw it in the reflection of his coffee pot, a blue light. The telltale sign of a breach. 

So he dropped his croissant and immediately sprung into action, reaching for the gun that Iris had given him to protect himself now that he was power-free.

His mouth dropped open when his exes boots, when Cynthia’s boots clapped down on the floor and the breach disappeared, leaving her standing there as dumbfounded as he was. 

His gun dropped uselessly to his side and he cursed himself for being so affected by the sudden appearance of her. 

Then before he knew it, Cynthia was tearing across the room and throwing herself into his arms. 

The gun dropped to the floor with a clatter as Cisco caught her, too stunned to do anything else.

She had her face buried in his nightshirt and then she started muttering. “Oh god, Cisco-I thought something-“

And then she hiccuped and Cisco realized she was crying. So he gently pulled her face from his shirt. “You thought what?” He asked softly. 

His heart clenched painfully at the sight of her sparkly gold makeup smeared across her cheek. 

The last time he saw her this emotional was their breakup. 

She closed her eyes as she hiccuped again, trying to regain her composure. 

“I couldn’t feel you anymore.” She explained, her voice still wavering. “I couldn’t feel you anymore so I panicked, I thought you were dead and so I came here as fast as I could to see if you were still alive.” 

Cisco swallowed the lump in his throat. “I’m here, I’m alive. I’m sorry I scared you.” 

C’mon Ramon, rip off the bandaid. It will hurt them both less in the end.

Then she she slapped his chest, her eyes glossy and red-rimmed. “I couldn’t focus on anything when I thought you were gone. I was in the middle of a mission when it hit me, it felt like a piece of me was suddenly missing.” She sighed.

“I got rid of my powers yesterday.” He said quickly.

Her eyebrows shot up in shock and she pulled away a little. He really wished she wouldn’t. Being around her felt nice. 

Even without his powers, he could feel his nerves buzzing with her so close. Maybe their connection hadn’t been so potent just because of their linked powers. 

“Y-you.... You what?” She asked quietly, incredulously. 

Cisco hung his head. For some reason he felt stupid trying to explain this to her. He felt like he should ashamed by his decision. 

“I just, I couldn’t take it anymore. The power, the responsibility, not having a life.” He tried to explain.

She just nodded, her brow furrowing like she was trying her damndest to understand. “Was it because of me? Us?”

“What? No! God no. No, Cynthia. This has nothing to do with you. You’re-“ He almost said perfect, because honestly she was.

Even with her makeup smeared and her hair a little frazzled and her lower lip covered in marks from her teeth chewing it out of nervousness, she was achingly beautiful. 

“You did nothing wrong, okay? Me getting rid of my powers has been a long time coming. I haven’t enjoyed my powers for a long time. Since before you and I even became a thing. I didn’t even use my powers a lot when we were together. One of the only good things about them then was that I could always tell you were okay.” Cisco pulled her back in, wanting to feel close to her. Revel in the comfort of her body’s closeness. 

She nodded. “I’m gonna miss being able to feel you.” She admitted, biting her lip. “It was the one thing that got me through our breakup. At least I knew when you were okay.”

Cisco frowned, feeling like someone was pressing down hard on his chest. “There are other ways, you know.” He mumbled, his thumb running long her leather jacket. 

She raised an eyebrow and sniffled. “Such as? I don’t know of any transdimensional cell phones that we could use.” 

“I could make some.” He shrugged like it was no big deal.

“And how would your girlfriend feel about that?” She asked, a slight, self-deprecating smile to her lips. 

“Just because we aren’t together, doesn’t mean we can’t check in with each other. I still care about you.” He smiled a little too. 

He couldn’t help it, her smile was infectious. And god, she smelled just as good as he remembered. 

He didn’t want her to leave but he knew this wasn’t fair to Kamilla. 

Cynthia seemed to sense his mood change because she smiled, a little more forcefully this time. “Okay, I should go. I just had to make sure you were alive.” She pulled away completely this time, and Cisco’s fists clenched as he refrained from reaching for her.

“Hey, don’t be a stranger.” He tried to keep things light. He didn’t want them to part ways like they did last time.

Sure, it had been very civil, but he hadn’t cried like that in a long while. And he couldn’t handle watching her cry like that again. Powers or not, he knew he would be able to feel her pain this close. 

And that just... no. 

“Maybe I’ll check in once in a while. You are kind of a reckless idiot.” She smiled fondly. 

“HA.” He mocked playfully. “You got jokes now, huh? I may have to ask you to leave.” 

She put her hands up in mock-surrender. “I’m leaving.”

And then she threw her fist up and a breach opened. 

Cisco fought with himself for a moment before shooting forward and reaching for her sleeve.

“Hey, thanks for checking on me. It... it feels good to be worried about like that. I’ll work on those phones too by the way.” He breathed out quietly.

“Good luck with your girlfriend.” She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and squeezed.

He buried his face in the crook of her neck and inhaled. “Mmhmm.” He hummed, eyes closed. 

He was so weak. Weak for her. 

“Cisco...” She warned, her voice wavering again.

“Right.” He shuddered as he pulled away, gulping audibly when she placed her hand on his cheek, thumb rubbing it softly.

“Bye Cisco.” She smiled, pulling away and hopping through the breach before either of them could say another word. 

He flopped down on his chair, staring at where she’d disappeared. 

Why was the universe this cruel? 

Right when he was beginning to move on, she comes back into his life. 

He thought he was moving on, but then she shows up and all of that went out the window the moment he laid eyes on her again. 

He felt that familiar pull deep in his gut when she was here, that pang in his chest when she was gone. 

Maybe he would never be over her. Maybe he didn’t want to be. 

Were they still somehow connected? Is that why the buzzing never seemed to end when they were in the same room together? 

Cisco buried his face in his hands, already feeling a headache forming. 

He sat there for almost ten minutes before his phone buzzed, sending his heart into overdrive at the sudden noise in the otherwise silent room.

He sighed and pushed off his own knees to stand up, heading to his phone. 

He flipped it over on the table and saw a message from Caitlin, telling him he was needed at Star Labs. 

He picked up his half-eaten croissant and tossed it in the trash, no longer hungry. 

The whirlwind events this early in the morning was for sure going to be stuck in his head all day. 

The one thing he knew for sure? He had some serious thinking to do...