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**
“I knew it was you from the fruity smell of your soul, (Y/n).”
**
You were (Y/n).
(Y/n), a gorgeous woman born in Shiganshina many years ago. You were not so young anymore, but both body and mind were trained to do better than any other person of your age.
(Y/n), one of the few Captains at mankind’s service and the bravest woman in the Survey Corps.
You were well-known by the people you had served – they recalled your name and face whenever you came back from your expeditions, covered in blood and sometimes injured, just like your subordinates. Bravery wasn’t the only thing you were known for: luck (and fate) had blessed you with charisma and intelligence. You had conquered the hearts of the men and women under your command easily – many wanted to be like you. The total devotion for humanity was the reason why people had never spit in your face nor called your name in anger because of your actions and decisions. For your mistakes, you had always taken full responsibility. You had never escaped your punishments.
**
“Do you remember me, you great warrior?”
“I haven’t forgotten about you, not even a little bit, Mike Zacharias. What are you doing here?”
**
Even though you were devoted to protecting humanity from the constant danger of Titans attacking innocents (and destroying the walls other than Wall Maria), your soul was hurt because of the many losses you had experienced during your years in the Survey Corps.
When you joined that world, you had felt the duty to collaborate, to make the right use of you, of your body for a good deed, to be able to protect and defend those who couldn’t do anything to face Titans. You knew from the very beginning that you would have eventually perished in a horrible way, certainly not on your bed and old, surrounded by your family. A single mistake, and you would have found yourself in the hand of the monster before it could eat you (or tear your limbs). You had tried not to get attached to nobody – their loss would have driven you to fight better and harder than before. It would have made you stronger for the mankind living in the open cages that were the Walls.
However, during your training, your humanity had the upper hand: you took advantage of the few free moments to be a bit carefree. It had been useful to deal with the stress of the intense training you underwent each and every day, hardening your body and polishing your fighting skills up. You had made the acquaintance of new allies; you had trained, laughed with them and had become friends with them. It was only after their deaths that you recognised the immense value of your friendship. All of them were precious, priceless to you. When they fell, you wondered whether they had felt the same way you had felt around them.
**
“I’ve come to greet you, (Y/n). Do you know this place? This is where humanity’s greatest heroes end up.”
“Is this paradise? Or it’s Valhalla?”
“It’s what?”
“Nothing...just something I read in an old book...”
**
When you joined, you knew it would have been impossible to have a life outside the Survey Corps: you would have never experienced love, never met the chance to get married one day and have a family on your own. You knew that it would have been impossible, not when you could have died whenever you left. You had failed at not falling in love with someone, failed at pushing him away when you had the chance. He did the same mistake as yours, but you were only humans. Both of you needed to be held and loved in your privacy, whenever you had nobody’s eyes on you.
It was wrong when you were just recruits; it was even more wrong when he became Commander and, days later, you a Captain, with your own squad. He was a gambler and the guardian of a truth he had inherited from his father; you, his lover and a pawn on his chessboard, playing a mortal game against the invaders. Luck hadn’t protected him during his gambles, but his intellect proved him to be an extraordinary man to grasp luck and overturn humans’ desperate situations.
You were proud of him.
He had never told you the times he didn’t want to send your squad to a possible demise, but you were aware of his concern and never asked him to close an eye on your team and choose someone else’s for an expedition. You wanted him to be reflective and objective despite his feelings for you – and he was. He gambled, but he always played a great game.
**
“So you had a secret affair with Commander Eyebrow, you smart woman.”
“You went for it without even preparing me! You want to tease me?”
“Always, like I used to. You know, you could have told me, (Y/n). I would have kept that secret.”
“We would have been in great danger. Erwin would have been charged for that. I couldn’t do that to him.”
**
You barely had spoken of your missions during the time spent together: no matter how many years had passed since your first kiss, you just wanted to feel him alive underneath you, his hands on you, his nails digging into your skin when he pounded into you, his teeth marking your skin below the collar. Even though time was never enough for you, you two had always reminded to the other that he was yours and you were his.
Sometimes, you had seriously thought of breaking up with him. It wasn’t for your fights, nor for your loss of interest in him. You felt like you loved him more each passing day, but you wanted to protect him. You were aware of what people could have said about your affair: nobody would have got that it was absolute love bonding you, that it wasn’t thanks to you if he became Commander, that it wasn’t because you were his lover that he made you Captain. You had never benefited from his ‘favouritism’ and he didn’t act differently just because he was facing you.
**
“Was he a good lover, (Y/n)?”
“Indeed. He was the best thing happened in all my life.”
“You're such a sappy woman! You could have just told me that he was great, even in bed.”
“That’s...that’s not your business!”
**
You had felt that serving for a good cause, for the greater good, was also a way to prove the love you had for him. Sacrifice your life for him, save him, protect him from imminent dangers felt pure, almost divine. The idea of dying thinking that he’d have been safe didn’t sound horrible to you. As a soldier, you could have been replaced – but he, the Commander of the Survey Corps, couldn’t. He was a unique piece the world had been blessed with, nothing and nobody could have been like him. Nobody could have ever been like Erwin Smith.
“Is this hell?”
“No, but it will be. All soldiers, charge! This is the moment that will determine the survival or extinction of humanity! There is no future in which humanity can inhabit these lands without Eren! Recover Eren and immediately retreat! Dedicate your hearts!”
Offering your heart. It was romantic thinking of one lover sacrificing themselves to protect the other – but for you, thinking that your Commander would have died for you, a simple Captain, felt awful, not only on a hierarchic base. He had his duties, he couldn’t lose his life to protect yours. Also, you would have never accepted his demise – your body twitched in pain at the only thought of this, feeling the tears fighting to get out.
You had risked bursting into tears like a little girl – later, you would have realised that it was only natural and human. Of that fight, you recalled a few things: among them the scared expressions on the recruits’ faces and his fervid speech. Valkyrie, your beloved black horse, was running nervously and at a high speed as you sliced a few limbs of the enemies with your blade, disabling them so that your squad could get rid of them without any difficulty, cutting their nape. However, too focused on jumping from your horse to slice the fingers of a hand coming for you, you didn’t notice a Titan appearing from your right, ready to trap you in his mouth or through his teeth before gulping you.
“Advance!”
You wondered how, just with that exclamation, you suddenly became aware of the mistake you had made. That mistake would have led you to your immediate demise if it weren’t for him. A white flash blinded you just for a few milliseconds: it was the Commander’s horse, pawing the ground with his hard hooves with such vigour to give you the chills as he stood between your mare and the Titan. When you looked for your lover, you immediately found him injured by the Titan, his right arm caught in the jaws of the monster as it ran in the opposite direction from yours.
“Erwin dancho!!” you screamed with all the air you had in your lungs, your eyes soon clouded by tears.
Taking up the cudgels for humanity, as if he hadn’t heard you – but he had– he let out the strongest cry he could have mustered at that moment.
“Advance! Eren is just ahead. ADVANCE!”
Your heart throbbed in your chest painfully at the sight of his perfect body ended up that way, but his encouraging shout and command weren’t meant for you only, but for all his soldiers. Advance, retrieve Eren and retreat. You couldn’t go back to kill the Titan who had taken him away from you, and you were so filled with hatred towards those ferocious and huge beasts that you wanted to slaughter all of them by yourself. You wanted to become their nightmare just like they were yours.
**
“I, no, all of us have missed you so, (Y/n). This Heaven...is too quiet for us.”
“Do you miss your old life? Do you miss the moments we had spent all together, drinking and celebrating?”
**
You teared up a little bit when you finally had the chance to visit him, and the tender side of the lover came out before you could force yourself to see him only as your superior. You threw your arms around his neck, pulling him in quick pecks before aiming for longer kisses. He could feel your desperation, he didn’t stop you though. He returned the kisses, his hand caressing your hip to comfort you, to let you know that he wasn’t gone yet.
“I see you’re doing great, Captain (Y/n).” he murmured once the kiss was broken, your lips only inches away from his.
“I see you’re doing great as well, Commander Smith.” you tried to keep your composure, but it was hard to stay calm when you were on the verge of losing him forever. Your hand moved to his chin, feeling his scratchy bristles under your fingertips. You closed the distance and placed a soft kiss on the corner of his mouth, whispering how much you found him sexy.
“Even though I’m one-armed?”
“It wouldn’t change the fact that you’re still gorgeous and that I love you.”
His face softened when he met your eyes once again; his arm encircled your waist, and he rested his chin on your shoulder. You didn’t talk for some time – you were surprised by that sudden rush of intimacy, but you could have never pushed him away. You caressed his back with soothing motions, closing your eyes to enjoy his closeness. You could have never imagined a life without him.
“Erwin...” you broke the silence, “...I was wondering...if things were different, if I weren’t a Captain and didn’t belong to the Survey Corps...you think we would have got married?”
“Yes.”
Much to your surprise, he didn’t say no, nor did he hesitate. You were astonished by his quickness.
“Of course, I’d have already married you. We would have had our family, and children if you wanted. (Y/n)… we’re soldiers though. We couldn’t and can’t have this life. Also, we’re still in danger of being caught red-handed...a relationship between a Commander and a Captain isn’t allowed. We’re bound to keep it secret until the end of our days.“
“I know you’ll find it stupid, but...” you dove your hand in your pocket, pulling out a small bag, “...I have this bad idea for a while, and I thought that I want you to remember me no matter what happens. The same for me, of course. I want to think about you during these hard times.”
He nodded, encouraging you to open it. There were two golden rings of different sizes in it. You had tried to recall the measure of his ring finger and hoped it would have suited him.
“I’m not forcing you to put this….” you explained, placing the rings on your open palm. “But I’d like you to have it as a lucky charm or whatever you want. I’ll cherish the one I keep for myself – there’s a small incision. It’s just the first initial of your name, nothing too outrageous.”
He studied the rings in complete silence; he looked like he was pondering on whether to throw them away or keep them, and that thought made you nervous. It may have been a bit cheesy, but you wanted a proof of your love, apart from your memories. His thumb and index grabbed the smaller ring, turning it around to verify that you had told the truth about the incision – and there was a little smile on his lips when he saw it.
“I, Erwin, take you, (Y/n), to be my wife. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honour you all the days of my life.”
Your heart thundered in your chest at the sound of those words, and you felt the air forcefully torn from your lungs, but it was amazing. You stared at him in utter astonishment – and when he placed the ring on the right finger, you couldn’t help but feel the happiest woman in the world.
You took the other ring; your hand grabbed his. He seemed so peaceful while staring back at you, and you began your vow with a serene smile.
“I, (Y/n), take you, Erwin, to be my husband. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honour you all the days of my life.”
The kiss you exchanged after that moment felt different from the others you had shared before.
**
“I do. I miss the people I had cherished when I was still alive, but I have to be patient and wait. They’ll all be coming here when their times come. Before meeting with the others, there is one thing you have to do. Or better, you have to recall. Do you remember how you died, (Y/n)?”
You could only shake your head in denial. No, it’ wasn’t easy to recall your final hour. But you were sure that you would find it out following your love’s steps.
“Do you, Mike?”
“Until you remember and accept it fully, you’ll be stuck here. You won’t meet the others. That’s why I’m here. I’m here to help you.”
**
You were left out of the Coup d’État. You weren’t told a damn thing about it. You were just a bystander as your lover got arrested for a crime he hadn’t committed, got tortured and was sentenced to death.
He gambled again, without you this time – and at first, you didn’t know how you should have reacted: you should have felt betrayed? You should have felt like you weren’t worthy enough? Why didn’t he leave a clue of his plan to overthrow the government of a fake king?
You felt like dying for the second time in such little time when you were told of the execution - and when you had expected a Titan to get rid of him, it was a small group of trashbags to have decided on his life instead, whether he deserved to live or to die. You were helpless – and that awful sensation was soon replaced by fury, a fury that you had never shown, but you were ready to let it fall onto him.
If only you had the time to speak to him privately. Time you couldn’t find, time you weren’t given.
You had thought that the exchange of vows could have led the two of you to your downfall – or maybe it was the awful timing to make you feel like your relationship would soon meet a crossroads. Maybe you should have gambled, just like Erwin had done all those times – but for you, the feelings you had for him weren’t a game. When you were warned you were going to retake Wall Maria – and for you, born in Shiganshina, also meant coming home after a while – you had prepared Valkyrie and worn the ring before changing into your uniform.
[Retake Maria!
Victorious, triumphant!]
As if you knew what was going to happen to you, you only stop to admire the insignia on your back, the ‘Wings of Freedom’. Maybe one day you would have been free: free to run outside the Walls, free to see the ocean, to enjoy the sunlight (and the moonlight) outside your open cage, without the fear of bumping into Titans. But also free to love whoever you wanted to without hiding it.
In less than 24 hours, the hope of retaking Wall Maria and your home changed into sheer desperation. The gentle breathing of your mare in the dead of the night changed into her shortness of breath when you charged against the Beast Titan. You calm breathing in the dead of the night was replaced by laboured breathing when you screamed, the fear of facing death shaking every inch of your body, but not stopping you and altering your determination.
That morning Erwin didn’t exchange a single word with you and neither did you look for him. He had disappeared with Levi as the Beast Titan kept destroying the abandoned houses protecting you outside Wall Maria; you were left with your subordinates and the other recruits, who kept asking you whether you -including your superior and Captain Ackerman – had a plan or not. You had no idea: you knew your man was avoiding you, treating you as if you were strangers and not even for the Captain you were – and he did that job splendidly. You left that small drama buried in your head just to stay as objective as possible, even in that crisis. It wasn’t the right time to think about your relationship – and in the exceptional case the two of you made it, you would have taken him by force and poured all your hard feelings on him, together with your pain and anger.
“I’m announcing our final operation! All troops, line up!” you were nervous when you heard his voice, turning towards him as he finally made his appearance with the other Captain. Your left hand clenched into a fist, feeling the ring and recalling the vow he had made to you.
“We will be doing a cavalry charge. Our goal: to rush the Beast Titan. Of course, we’ll be making ourselves ideal targets. So we’ll wait until he’s ready to throw and fire our smoke signals together. That should reduce his accuracy somewhat. While we’re acting as a decoy, Captain Levi will kill the Beast Titan. That is our plan. Standing and waiting just means we’ll be showered by more boulders. Get ready on the double!”
You closed your eyes and sighed. There was no way to survive: you had to renounce to your dreams, to accept that you would never see Shiganshina rising again, that you would never see the world outside the Walls. In that desperate situation, the only possible way was to sacrifice your life, to die fighting instead of dying cowering and crying. You abandoned your human side – the one who smiled, the one who loved, the one who had feelings – to fully embrace Captain (Y/n), and when you opened your eyes again, there was only determination in them.
To the recruit that had said it was all meaningless, he gave a straight reply.
“It’s all meaningless. No matter what dreams or hopes you had...no matter how blessed a life you’ve lived...it’s all the same if you’re shredded by rocks. Everyone will die someday. Does that mean life is meaningless? Was there even any meaning in our being born? Would you say that of our fallen comrades? Their lives...were they meaningless?”
Your friends, comrades, subordinates, Mike, Nanaba, Petra, Oruo, Eld, Gunther, Gelgar and many, many others… you sighed again as you were forcefully reminded of them, of their lives and of their demises. For anything in the world you would have said that their lives, their actions, their words, their dreams and ambitions were meaningless!
“No, they weren’t!” he acknowledged the things you were thinking, “It’s us who gives meaning to our comrades’ lives! The brave fallen! The anguished fallen! The ones who will remember them...are us, the living! We die trusting the living who follow to find meaning in our lives! That is the sole method in which we can rebel against this cruel world!”
There was no hope for you to see the sun of another day. There was no time for you to love him the way you did, nor to chat with him one more time under the sheets of your bed. There was no time for you to tell him that what you had vowed months before was still true to you.
You walked to Valkyrie, tired and nauseated. Your forehead rested against her muzzle, closing your eyes as your hand gently caressed her black mane. You murmured a few compliments to your best ally and faithful friend. If you had kept your eyes open, you would have seen the Commander, just a few metres away from you, stare at you with regret before he managed to put the ring you had given him around his finger. He’d have thought about you during his final darkest hour.
[Be worthy!
Be worthy!]
You saw your life flashing before your eyes. Your heart thundered in your chest – you didn’t know if it was great fear or adrenaline – and your screams as you led the way to your team and to other soldiers became one with the others’. Valkyrie ran towards Death bravely, at the same speed and line of the white horse on her left, not even rebelling and trying to unsaddle you after avoiding the first boulders thrown at you. You rose your arm at the same time as Erwin’s, giving the example to the subordinates behind you to prepare to fire the smoke signal again.
Deep down, the Commander’s last words were yours as well the second before your death.
“My soldiers, rage! My soldiers, scream! My soldiers, fight!”
**
The tears began to run down your cheeks as you recalled everything.
“Now I do, Mike.” you barely whispered, bursting out crying.
“...you had died on the spot, not even hearing Valkyrie’s painful neigh when she fell, nor your teammates shouting your name, the blood gushing from your deep wounds. You were already departing this life before you met the ground. It was quick, but not painless. ” concluded the former squad leader Zacharias. He looked upwards, staring directly at the sun, unbothered by the sunlight.
“I wish I could have spent better my time in the prime of my life. I wish I could have spent it with him, reassuring him that I loved him despite my recent disillusion.”
“Nothing matters anymore once you’re dead.” Mike kept looking at the sun, well aware of how you felt without seeing your face. His sense of smell caught a familiar scent, different from that fruity smell of yours, but still pleasant. He smirked to himself.
“Why are you crying, (Y/n)? He’s coming.”
**