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“Do you really have to weigh it by the gram?”
Felix sighs. “Yes, Jisung. Baking is like science. You don’t just throw things into a pan and pray for the best.”
Jisung hums, his Adam’s apple vibrating on Felix’ shoulder where he’s resting his chin. “It’s what I always do. Has worked up until now.”
“I tasted your chocolate cookies, Jisung. They weren’t great.” Felix still remembers how the fire alarm went off at 3am. Jisung thought he could make it up to the rest of the group by feeding them his batch of cookies. Felix’ mouth twitches at the memory of the burned taste.
“You didn’t die though,” Jisung points out as he sticks a finger in the tub of cream cheese, scooping up a big dollop of the stuff and sticking it into his mouth.
Felix rolls his eyes, but not in a mean way.
They have a few days off now, and most of the members have gone back to visit their families, so they have the dorm to themselves. Felix chose to stay home for their break since he’s saving up money to buy a new gaming laptop, and Jisung is also staying back because his parents are on a trip to Europe.
Which is how they ended up in the kitchen way past midnight to bake a cheesecake. Jisung wanted to go out to buy one, but Felix had already changed into his pajamas so he suggested they could make it themselves. Anything is possible with a recipe and a Youtube tutorial, right?
“Okay, here it says we have to add the egg yolks one by one while slowly whisking the cream cheese. This part is really important.” Felix moves his finger over the screen, reading the steps carefully, afraid he might miss something and heck up.
“Wait, I’m really good at separating the yolk from the egg whites. Watch this,” Jisung says as he takes one of the eggs from the carton. Before Felix can stop him, Jisung hits the egg on the edge of a bowl with way too much force, causing it to break in his hand, egg dripping all over his fingers.
Felix whinces, looking at the mess he’s made.
“Guess I don’t know my own strength,” Jisung wiggles his egg covered fingers in front of Felix’ face, “Want a taste, Lix?”
Felix holds up his arms in defense. “Gross! Wash your hands!”
Jisung mumbles something about only joking, and then it’s time for attempt number two, because Jisung is no quitter. Felix watches him try to break another egg, this time with more carefulness. Jisung’s eyes are big and his bottom lip is sticking out a bit. He always does that when he’s focussed.
It’s been a while since they’ve been alone like this, and the moment is bringing back memories that Felix has been trying to suppress. Like that one time when they watched a scary movie together in their shared hotel room, or when Jisung crawled into his bed on Christmas morning, complaining about feeling lonely.
Both occasions ended with shy, awkward kisses, and the promise to never do it again.
Now, it wasn’t like they didn’t talk about it when it happened. They talked about why they shouldn’t be doing it; for the sake of the group, to protect them, and also because they didn’t like keeping secrets. But they never discussed why they did it. Why they–why they kissed in the first place.
Felix’ ears heat up at the sheer memory of it.
It was Jisung who initiated it the first time. It has always been Jisung.
It started out innocent, just some intense cuddling, like bros do. Jisung wrapped tightly around Felix’ waist, shaking from fear as the ending credits of a horror film rolled on the screen.
Thoughtlessly, Felix buried his face in the other’s hair, pressing soft kisses to his head to calm him down. Jisung always thrived on physical contact.
But when Jisung looked up to him, and told him he was kinda pretty in the dimmed light, Felix knew that the moment was more than just friends hanging out. He could hear his heart in his ears, and saw nothing but the tiny stars dancing in other’s eyes before Jisung crossed the little distance between them and pressed a quick, chaste kiss to his lips.
He moved away as quickly as he came, his face hesitant, searching Felix’ face for a reaction.
Felix’ stomach did a funny thing at that. Nerves bubbled up inside him as he traced a finger over his own lips, chasing the ghost of Jisung’s kiss. The feeling reminded him of the first time he stepped off the stage after a performance. Terrified, but wanting more.
He answered Jisung’s unspoken question by leaning forward and kissing him back.
Kissing a boy, kissing Jisung, felt right. It resolved any doubts he still had in his heart about his own sexuality, and he wanted to explore it further. But as soon as he tried to deepen the kiss, Jisung pulled away, muttering an excuse about how they had to get some sleep for the performance the day after.
The second time they kissed, it was Jisung who moved first again. It was just the two of them, on Christmas morning, lazing around in bed, enjoying the silence of the dorm before the rest of the members woke up. Jisung confided in him about feeling homesick, how he missed his mother. Felix related more than anyone, so he pulled Jisung close to his chest, softly caressing his arm in an attempt to soothe his pain.
He could feel Jisung’s restlessness, could feel his mind working overtime, but he didn’t say anything about it. And when Jisung looked up at him, chewing his lip for a minute before finally moving in to kiss him, Felix didn’t hesitate to kiss back. He was happy with whatever Jisung would give him.
This time, when they finally broke apart, there was no excuses from Jisung. Instead, he told Felix that it was better if they’d never do it again. For the sake of the group. Felix didn't want to cause any trouble, so he agreed without any complaints.
For Jisung.
So nowadays, whenever the familiar butterflies in his stomach take flight, he just stomps them dead like a cruel child.
“Ah shit!” Jisung’s voice pulls Felix from his thoughts and back to the present. He finds Jisung sucking his thumb, after he presumably cut it while trying to scrape the seeds from a vanilla bean. The sight is almost comical as Jisung goes cross-eyed trying to look down at his finger in his mouth.
“That’s not how you clean it, Ji. Here–” Felix pulls his hand away from his mouth and sticks it under the running tap. “I’ll get the bandaids.”
When he returns, Jisung is sucking on his thumb again. “Whaf?” he tries to say around the digit in his mouth before pulling it out again. “This is just how I do things.”
“I don’t want you to die from an infection, you nerd.” Felix rubs some alcohol into the wound, to which Jisung hisses. When he sticks on the bandaid he resists the urge to lean down and press a kiss to it, like his mother always used to do.
“Aw, you don’t wanna live in a world without me? How romantic,” Jisung jokes, but then his face pales when he realizes who he’s talking to. “I mean, you know–nevermind.”
“Let’s get this thing in the oven, shall we?” Felix quickly changes the subject and tries not to think about how cute Jisung’s red cheeks are.
Carefully, they load the pan into the oven and fill up the baking tray with water. Felix tries to explain the workings of ‘au bain-marie’ to Jisung, but struggles since he’s only just learned about it from the internet.
“Perhaps this is science after all,” Jisung admits. “Wanna play on the Switch while we wait? Hm?”
“Actually, we should do the dishes.” At this, Jisung pouts, and Felix can't stop himself from reaching over and squeezing his cheek, watching how it moves cutely under his touch. “Come on, Sung, we’ll be happy we did it in the morning.”
“Okay, but I’m doing the drying.” He holds up his thumb. “I’m wounded, remember?”
“Sure, sure,” he says, as if Jisung needs any excuse to get what he wants with Felix.
They fall into a comfortable silence as they work, until Jisung breaks said silence by doing a dramatic rendition of that new ballad that has been playing on the radio nowadays. Felix sings along, quietly, not having the same amount of confidence that would lead to someone singing at the top of their lungs at 2am.
But Jisung nudges him in his side, and holds up a spoon to Felix’ mouth as a makeshift mic, wiggling his eyebrows at him to urge him on. It’s just the two of them, and the way Jisung is looking at him, makes him pull off his gloves and grab the spoon, loudly chiming in to the chorus that Jisung had been repeating five times in a row now.
“That’s the spirit!” Jisung yells, and plays some air-guitar to support Felix, shaking his head to the non-existent beat.
“Hey, we missed one,” Jisung interrupts, finding a big mixing bowl on the stove. There’s still some sugar and cream cheese mixture in there, so of course Jisung swipes his finger through it. However, he doesn’t stick it in his mouth this time. Instead, he calmly walks toward Felix, holding his finger up.
Felix opens his mouth on instinct, expecting him to feed it to him. But he was so wrong.
With a straight face, Jisung smears the mixture all over Felix’ cheek. “There, perfect,” he says, as he admires his work.
“Jisung, I swear to G–” but the other interrupts him by getting another load on his finger and this time putting it on Felix’ nose. They stand there, staring at each other for a while until they can’t hold it in any longer and burst out laughing.
Felix’ tummy hurts from wheezing as he tries to pull the mixing bowl from Jisung’s arms. “You’re a menace, you know that?”
“I heard cream cheese is really good for your skin though?” Jisung teases, as he throws the bowl into the dishwater, holding up a finger with the last bit of cream. It’s a threat.
He stalks forward, pointing at Felix with it as if he has spotted his target. Felix feels giddy, a mixture of panic and fun. He doesn’t know if he wants to scream or just laugh.
“Stop, Ji– Jisung stop,” Felix tries to say through his giggles, and he manages to grab Jisung by the wrists to stop him from putting more cream on his face. He pushes him until Jisung’s back hits the kitchen counter, successfully capturing him and making it impossible for him to get up to any more bullshit.
Jisung looks to Felix’s hand on his left wrist, and then to his right, and when he makes eye contact with him again, the look in his eyes stops Felix’ giggles in his throat.
After last time, they promised not to do this anymore. Promised not to make things more complicated than they already were, but when Jisung glances at his mouth, Felix can’t stop himself from leaning in and connecting their lips.
This kiss is different than the other times. It’s urgent, and Felix needs more, more, more. So when he takes Jisung’s face in his hands, and finally deepens the kiss, Jisung doesn’t resist.
He doesn’t even notice the weird feeling of the cream cheese on his cheeks, doesn’t hear the ticking of the oven, doesn’t notice the truck honking in the streets down below. There’s only Jisung. In his hands, on his mouth, pressed to his chest.
It’s perfect.
Jisung exhaling heavily through his nose pull him from his focus though, and he remembers his promise to Jisung. He doesn’t want to push him, doesn’t want to make him do anything he truly doesn’t want, so he disconnects their lips.
The other is panting now, cheeks flushed and bottom lip glossy. Felix thinks he’s beautiful like this.
He shakes his head, trying to physically get the thought out of his mind. “Sorry,” he says eventually, softly.
Jisung looks away from him, and now Felix thinks he really must have fucked up, but then Jisung says, “Actually, I’ve been thinking a lot lately, and–”
“And?” Felix tries not to stare too much at how cute Jisung’s bottom lip looks as he chews on it, tries not to think how it felt against his mouth earlier.
“I was thinking that if this keeps happening, then it might not be a bad thing after all?” Jisung fiddles with the edge of the bandaid on his thumb, trying to get it off. “Like, perhaps this is not just mindlessly fooling around? Maybe this could be more than that?”
Felix just stands there, silenced by shock. He tries to piece together the words that Jisung has just offered him. Aside from Jisung just saying they could be more , there’s something else that stands out to him. “Jisung,” he says, and the other finally makes eye contact with him, “do I look like a person who would just fool around without actually liking you?” Felix can feel the heat rise to his cheeks, but he stands firmly, because he needs Jisung to know he’s serious about this.
Jisung thinks it over for a while, as he moves from fidgeting with his own finger, to gently taking Felix’ hands in his, playing with his fingers. “Guess I’ve been kinda silly, huh?”
“Yeah.” Felix swallows as Jisung brings his hands up, softly planting kisses on knuckles.
“And you said you like me?” he asks, looking up at him through his lashes, which Felix thinks is just so unfair.
“Yeah,” he says again, dryly.
Jisung huffs. “Are you sure sure? Like onehundredthousandmillion percent sure?”
Felix just leans in to press a quick kiss to Jisung’s forehead. “I won’t embarrass myself by telling you how much you’ve been on my mind, but just trust me on this one. I like you a lot.”
Jisung lets out a breath in relief, and runs a finger over Felix’ cheek, cleaning up the mess he made earlier by sucking the cream cheese off his finger. “Now this won’t get in the way when I kiss you again. Which I’ll be doing now, by the way.”
“Thanks for warning me,” Felix jokes.
When he kisses Jisung again, he tastes like cheesecake.
Even though they still have to talk a lot, to clear things up, to work out how they go from here, Felix feels content in this exact moment. Jisung’s mouth moves against his lazily, no urgency in it like before, because now they both know they got all the time in the world together to figure this out.
When the oven’s alarm makes them jump, Jisung runs to the oven and forgets to put on his oven mitts and promptly burns his fingers. As Felix holds his hurt fingers under the running water, he thinks that he will probably forever associate cheesecake with this.
With the first person he loved.