Chapter Text
I started caring without noticing.
Caring about myself, caring about others, caring about him.
I remembered the dreary colourless days without him, his touch. I didn’t know who I was then, my strength, my fire. I don’t care what he does, even if he kills me, at least I’ll have lived.
I’d tried to get away, so many times. I came back and the cage was gone.
I stayed by his side, his shadow. Our home was broken but we healed each other. I didn’t duck anymore, didn’t cry anymore, didn’t resist anymore. I didn’t need to duck, he had my back. I didn’t need to cry, I laughed too much. I didn’t need to resist, he was irresistible.
I wore makeup and he smudged it.
I learnt to live on booze and adrenaline.
I wore what I wanted, though he preferred nothing at all.
I drank, I smoked, I screamed, I laughed. He laughed along with me
He was king I was his queen.
But all kingdoms eventually fall.
It’s hard to say when we began to slip. A thousand kisses, each a little less passionate. Each day the laughter became more shrill, the taste more bitter, the fire dimming lower.
I wasn’t his shadow, I was in his shadow and every day it got darker.
The glass shattered as it hit the wall behind him.
“What the fuck do you want from me!?” He growled at me.
“How about a little trust?” I hiss through my teeth, not backing down. We’re in his office, surrounded by the marks of his madness. He stands with his hands planted on his scarred desk leaning over it to glare into my anger flushed face. His blood stained shirt hangs unbuttoned over his shoulders, his guns still holstered at his hips.
I’m in front of him, leaning on my cane as my knee throbs. Like him I’m splattered in blood and my clothes cling uncomfortably to me and the twin smells of cordite and copper fill my head as I grit my teeth. The blood isn’t ours, but its only there because of him.
“Trust?” He spits and throws back his head to laugh slowly at me, silver capped teeth glinting in the light.
“Yes. Maybe if you trusted me to do my part you we wouldn’t end up losing men all the fucking time!” I shout. He leans further forward, I’m aware that despite the smile there is no mirth in him.
“Maybe if you DID your part without me having to carry you I could trust you to be useful.” He says softly, locking eyes with me.
“Useful?” I spit and whip-fast he lashed out and grabbed my arm, dragging me forward. I cry out as I stumble and slam my weak knee into the desk. I curse and he pulls me harder so our faces are inches apart.
“Yes. Now how about you show me how useful you are?” He purrs but there’s no lust in his eyes.
I grab one of the guns from his hip and press the barrel to his ribs.
“How about I do this? Is this ‘useful’?” I reply with my own mirthless smile. “Let go of me, ‘lover’.” I demand, twisting the word that once drove him mad.
“Oh baby, you’re tearing me apart.” He says softly squeezing my arm harder, leaving bruises again. My whole life felt like a bruise.
“Let go.” I repeat, pressing in the barrel harder. He relents and lets go of me and I step back. I stoop to grab my cane and make for the door as fast as I can.
“Where do you think you’re going?” He roars and I turn back to fire a shot above his head, raining plaster down on him.
“Out! I need to cool off before I put a hole in your empty heart!” I shout back and stalk out. I can hear him yelling and throwing things but I continue down to the garage, pressing his gun into the hands of one of our men who have come to find out the cause of our latest fight.
I climb into my car, a small red convertible and tear out of the drive as fast as I can push the car to go and head into the city.
I can see my furious reflection in the windscreen and will myself to slow down before I crash or attract the attention of Gotham’s finest. I’m not sure where I’m going, this isn’t the first time I’ve had to leave to calm down lately.
Usually I just drive until my heart has slowed and I go back to him. We have breathless sex and leave our marks on each other then wake up without mentioning the fight. But not tonight.
I need more than air, I need people, I need life. I head to the only place I know that won’t question the blood on my clothes.
I pull up a street away and cut through an alleyway to get there. It’s been a long time since I feared anyone jumping out at me. The bar is still pretty busy despite the late hour and the doorman waves me in without question.
I push open the door and the sounds of jazz and people wash over me. I’m not safe here but I’m not safe anywhere so I don’t care if I’m seen. The room is huge and lavishly decorated with beautiful green tile and dark wood. I spot an empty stool at the end of the long bar and sit down, waving at the barman who already knows what I’ll order.
“Thats my seat.” Comes a protest behind me. I turn to see a large man in a cheap suit looming over me. I smile at him and his brow knots.
“Was your seat.” I say calmly and he inces closer. I know the barman is watching.
“I don’t know who you think you are but I’ve got no problem dragging you off that stool.” He growls and my smile widens. He hasn’t noticed me side my hand under the sit in my skirt.
“Really? You’d hurt a pretty little thing like me?” I simper playfully.
“Unless you want to take a seat on my lap, get lost.” He flexes his shoulders and I press the barrel of my gun into his stomach. He freezes but noone can see but us.
“I think you understand a little better now. Get lost.” I say softly and he nods. I retract the gun and he flees. I shake my head and turn back to the bar, putting my gun back in the discrete holster on my thigh.
“Nicely done.” Says a voice to my side, I turn and smile at him.
“Good evening, Oswald.” I greet and the short man next to me smiles. He’s short and stout with a long hooked nose but he’s the closest thing to a friend I have these days.
“You and the clown on the outs again?” He says beckoning me to following back to his booth. I follow and find my drink is already there.
“When are we not?” I say, wincing as I slide in next to him, he offers me a cigarette and I take it. He lights it for me and settles back.
“He’ll tear the city apart looking for you if you stay out too long.” He says, a smile on his thin lips.
“Have I got a curfew now? Am I on parole?” I say taking a deep drag on the cigarette and blowing the smoke upwards slowly. I can see him watching me, appreciating the curves of my neck and shoulders. My scars have faded, I move so much easier now.
“Why do you put up with him?” He asks taking a sip of his own drink.
“I love him.” I reply without hesitation. He cackles at me and takes a drag of his cigarette.
“Stop, doll, you’ll make me bring up my dinner.” He jokes and I raise an eyebrow at him. “Com’ on! Love? Look at the life people like us lead!” He grins and waves his arm to use the whole room as an example. “We ain’t got time for som’thin as soft as ‘love’.”
“You’re wrong.” I say shaking my head and taking a big gulp of my wine.
“Oh? You think you’re gonna tame your crazy clown?” He says looking at me with raised eyebrows. “You’re gonna drag him away from this life, settle down and have some little baby freaks? Gonna get him a desk job? Ha!” He dissolves into laughter and I can’t help but smile at the truth of what he’s saying.
“Okay so we’re never going to have that but-” I start and he snorts.
“What you’re gonna have is what you got, honey.” He says poking my arm with a long fat finger. I smile at that.
“What’s that then?” I ask sipping my wine. He waves his arm again and I look out over the scene. I look at the things people are doing: dancing, kissing, laughing. The hidden things that most don’t see as well, the deals the danger the darkness.
“You got life.” He said.
“Not so bad.” I say and hold my glass out to him. He raises his and clinks it against mine.
“Not so bad.” He agrees.