Chapter Text
"Pathetic."
From that day on, Yamaguchi Tadashi looked up to Tsukishima Kei. His sheepish, shy personality still remained that way around him, despite becoming best friends. Though, to Yamaguchi, their friendship looked completely one-sided if anyone who didn't know them took a glance. The thing was, Tsukishima never rejected him and it gave Yamaguchi the go ahead to stick around. He wasn't going to leave if he wasn't being told to, and hell, if it came to that after so many years, he didn't know what he'd do. Tsukki and Yamaguchi were side by side every day, and personally, Yamaguchi didn't want, nor did he expect, that to change, but Yamaguchi's luck always seemed to run out in the end.
Yamaguchi had never been a super happy person on the inside, at the very least. His smile was bright whenever he wore it, his dimples showed, his nose scrunched up, and he was sweet to everyone he talked to. He didn't have a super good reason to be so down all the time. He had a roof over his head and food on the table. He supposed his support system was never too good and he knew he couldn't rely on anyone but himself. He was collapsing from the inside out and it was not stopping anytime soon.
---------------
Tsukishima was staying at Tadashi's house for the weekend. Yamaguchi had forgotten to tell his parents before he left school that day that Tsukishima would be staying, and they clearly didn't get his text, so they didn't mind yelling at each other, using their loudest voices possible. It was embarrassing when the screaming, and Yamaguchi was aware that Tsukishima didn't know this was what was happening when he wasn't around for the parents to make nice.
"Sorry, Tsukki," Yamaguchi whispered as he sat on his bed, biting his lip and looking down at his feet and back up at Tsukishima, face flushed with embarrassment.
Tsukki shrugged nonchalantly, adding a little grunt afterwards. Silence followed, then a crashing sound from downstairs. Yamaguchi bit down on his lip harder, trying not to cry like he normally did if he were alone. His parents fighting was awful to hear and worse to see. He remembered it from since he was a little boy, back in elementary. He didn't understand why they didn't just split up like any reasonable couple. If he thought too much, he always wondered if that was what love was truly like- sticking by your partner's side, no matter what happens, even if they hurt you over and over for so long. Why? Why could that be? Was it really love?
Tsukishima noticed Yamaguchi's face, strained and eyes closed. He was blocking out the screaming. He wasn't very good at comforting people, and especially those he cared about (he wasn't completely heartless). So, instead of words, he gently settled a hand on the brunette, startling him. Yamaguchi looked up to see Tsukki with a very small smile on his face. Most likely, if one wasn't around him enough to see the difference, it'd be the same as his dull expression, but Yamaguchi noticed it right away. He leaned gently into the touch, finding a lot of comfort in it.
"Thanks, Tsukki."
---------------
During practices, Yamaguchi worked on his jump float serves, striving to be able to do something right. He blushed and grinned sheepishly when Sugawara-senpai complimented him, letting him know it was looking better every day. It really boosted his confidence, something he didn't have much of anymore- and never really had in the first place. He got more compliments, even one from Kageyama! It was pretty minor, but hey, it was something, and he had to be doing something good if the skilled server was complimenting his amateur serves. Eventually, the only person he wanted to compliment him was the only one who hadn't. Tsukishima. Everything Yamaguchi did, he wanted it to be good enough for him, for his only friend, the only person who had came into his life and hadn't left. He was starting to feel a bit desperate for his attention, but he didn't do anything to get it. He would do stuff for Tsukki, he would give everything he had, even if it meant getting nothing in return. That's how it worked for him, and that way of living didn't seem as if it would change.
On the way home, Yamaguchi walked silently behind Tsukishima, looking down at his feet most of the time. Tsukishima knew exactly how Yamaguchi felt toward him, and he didn't feel the same. He didn't dare tell Yamaguchi, knowing it would probably shatter him completely. He knew the time would come when he'd have to tell him, because Yamaguchi would eventually confess. Tsukishima stopped and looked back at Yamaguchi.
"See you tomorrow," he said in the same tone of voice that he always used. Yamaguchi nodded.
"Bye, Tsukki," the freckled-face boy replied, slowly trudging off in the direction of his home. He knew he'd walk in to his parents fighting. He was right. They didn't notice him, as usual, and what he heard was different from any topic he heard them fight about. It was about him, their son.
Yamaguchi Tadashi loved his parents, even if they fought. He loved them and he knew that they loved him too. Being called a failure by his parents certainly wasn't a way to feel loved by them. 'He's a failure, you were never there for him!' and 'That's not my fault if he's a wimp' and other things of the like ran through his mind as he slowly and silently made his way into his bedroom, setting down his bag. He locked the door behind him and he let himself cry. It was different, hearing it from classmates, but his own parents... honestly, he didn't believe it. They were being stupid. No, he was being stupid. He knew those things were true, why was he crying? Wimp. He was a wimp, that's why he was crying. He was too damn sensitive, and he knew he shouldn't be. He should be fine. He should be strong. He should be like Tsukki, being able to handle it all by himself. He was old enough to do so.
But Yamaguchi couldn't. He already had self-esteem issues, he absolutely hated himself for being a pathetic, untalented wimp. He hated being a failure. He hated being attached, he hated relying on others, he hated relying on Tsukki. He hated loving that boy. He hated being gay. He wanted to be normal. He wanted to be athletic and he wanted perfect, unmarked skin. Yamaguchi Tadashi saw all the things he hated in the mirror. His reflection was disgusting. He gripped the sides of the sink's basin, gritting his teeth as tears slid down his face. He raised a hand and took out all of his anger, all of his hatred and self-pity on the mirror. It shattered in front of him and he didn't care that his hand was bleeding, that the impact seemed to shatter his heart, too. That was okay. He no longer saw what he hated; only remnants of the broken reflection.