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Tears streamed down his face as Lance slammed his bedroom door shut. Collapsing on the floor he let out broken sobs. His face was red and blotchy from not breathing correctly. Today must have been the worst day of his life. He had finally lost the one person that had meant everything to him. Curling into a ball, he recalled the day's events.
The sound of an alarm rang through the air as Lance blearily opened his eyes. Rolling over with the intention to glare at the offending sound he realized the time was 7:00. He had slept in but couldn’t bring himself to care. He had barely woken up and today already seemed mundane. Sighing heavily, he turned off the alarm and forced himself out of bed. He really didn’t want to go to school.
He felt like shit all week but today he felt worse. Lance would be clean for a month come tomorrow and knew he should be proud but he just wasn’t. He did know that Keith would be proud of him though. After confessing about his dark thoughts to his friend, the older made him promise to never hurt himself again. He had made the promise and only made it a week before he relapsed. He didn’t tell Keith but the other had found out anyways and comforted him and told him he was proud for going even a week. Lance had realized his crush on Keith a few months ago, the knowledge that the feelings would never be reciprocated adding to his depression, not that he would ever tell Keith that, and knew he always wanted Keith to be proud of him. So he tried again and again and has now almost made it a month.
The older told him yesterday that they would go do something to celebrate his progress and, although he was excited to spend the day with Keith, he was also terrified because what if Keith changed his mind? What if he realized how useless and pathetic he was and never wanted to be around him again? Lance shook himself out of his thoughts before they could get any worse. He didn’t want to start the day off like that, especially not when he has to be to school in 30 minutes.
Getting ready was a simple task but a mundane one that didn’t do anything to brighten his day. Blue, his cat, must have sensed his mood because he let himself be picked up and pet, even purring once as if to say “You’re gonna be okay, Lance, I promise”. He almost laughed at that. He must be more stupid then he thought. Cats can’t think like that and if they could, Blue definitely wouldn’t care enough about him to comfort him. Why would she? He’s not important. If he were to disappear his mother would take up feeding her. He’s replaceable. He’s not special.
After deeming breakfast not important enough, for the 4th time this week, he dragged himself out the door and began the walk to class. It was a sunny day out and while to most people that meant it would be a good day, it just irritated Lance. Even the sky was happier than him. Why does Keith even bother?
~~~
Classes passed by as expected, boring. The only thing getting him through the day was that he would see Keith at lunch. Keith was the light of his life. He was always there for Lance. The day after Lance confided in him about the darkness that consumes him most days, Keith arrived unannounced with lots of chocolate, blankets, and ice cream and Lance’s favorite movie, The Princess Bride. The younger had almost burst into tears on the spot. Instead, he just gave Keith a tight hug before taking the movie to go put it in. Halfway through the movie, Keith turned to Lance.
“If you ever feel upset or worthless or depressed in any way I want you to come to me, Okay?” Lance nodded. “I’m serious. I don’t care if it’s just because you ran out of milk or you spilled your favorite cereal, I want you to text me or call me or even come over. I will drop everything to help you.”
At this point, Lance was in tears. He couldn’t believe that Keith was his best friend. Keith wanted to help him, to be there for him when he most needed comfort but wanted to push everyone away. He seemed so unreal. Like he was too good to be true. And that’s how Lance ended up sobbing in Keith’s arms as The Princess Bride played in the background.
The bell chimed, forcing Lance from his thoughts as kids hurried from their seats and out the door to lunch. Grabbing his books and shoving them in his bag, Lance joined the rush. He really needed to see Keith right now. He needed comfort. When he finally reached his lunch table everyone was already there except the one person he needed.
“Where’s Keith?” he questioned, sitting down with the others.
Everyone gave a nonverbal form of “I don’t know” in response. Confused, he looked around the room but still didn’t find his best friend. Chalking it up to him just being late, he pulled out his phone and scrolled through Twitter. It had been about 10 minutes before Keith finally arrived.
“Hey, guys! Sorry for being late but there’s someone I’d like you to meet.”
Lance turned around from his seat and saw Keith smiling at them. He was wearing his favorite outfit. A red plaid covering a black t-shirt with ripped, black skinny jeans and black combat boots to match. Lance thought he looked as handsome as ever, especially when he stopped walking as he reached the table and gave a charming smile. Behind him, there was a girl with nut-brown skin which made her long, white hair stand out even more. She was gorgeous and Lance’s heart sank as he realized why she was probably there.
“Everyone, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend, Allura.”
There were many responses to the news ranging from “Nice to meet you, Allura!” to “She’s way out of your league, dude!” and Keith smiled at all of them but he looked at Lance, who had yet to respond. Plastering a smile on his face, Lance replied “Congrats, Keith. You look cute together.”
Keith must have bought the lie because he just smiled and said “thanks” before grabbing Allura’s hand and pulling her to the other side of the table to sit down. Everyone started talking to the new couple and asking questions about both her and their relationship. Lance just stared at the table. He felt sick. He couldn’t be here anymore. So he left. He got up, said he needed the restroom and left. He noticed that Keith stared at him as he left, probably because he grabbed his bag, but got distracted as someone asked him another question.
Lance didn’t bother going to the bathroom. He just walked out the door and started home. He couldn’t be around anyone right now. The sky had gotten cloudy throughout the day and, on some level, Lance felt comforted by this. Like the sky knew that if it was still a nice day out, Lance might have broken down the moment he saw the sun. He did laugh at the thought this time but it just came out as sobs. He started walking faster and faster and the next thing he knew, he was home.
Hurriedly unlocking the door he ran to his room and let out sobs as he fell on his bed and buried his face in the pillow. He cried until he couldn’t cry anymore. His face was tear stained and his pillow soaked. He lied there, numb and depressed. His throat, wrecked from sobs, throbbed in pain.
Pain. It’s the only thing he can feel whenever he wants. It’s the only thing he has control over. He doesn’t want to be numb. He’s been numb all week. Sitting up on his bed he looked at the door to his bathroom, conflicted. He made a promise. He can’t. But he desperately wants to. Glancing at the time, he saw that it was almost 4. Keith would be home.
Checking the mirror he saw that he didn’t look as bad as he thought he would after hours of crying. Lance grabbed his keys before heading to his car and driving to Keith’s. He needs comfort now more than ever. Pulling up to the driveway, he basically ran to the door and knocked. Keith answered the door a minute after he heard the knock.
“Lance! Where did you run off to earlier? Are you okay?”
“I’m fine, I just felt sick.” “Are you sure? You usually tell me when your sick but you left without a word to anyone.”
“Yeah, I’m sure. I just nee-”
“Keith? Who’s at the door?” A female voice sounded from inside, cutting Lance off.
“Oh, it’s just Lance, Lu. Go back to the couch, I’ll be back soon,” Keith responded, with a smile. The girl must have nodded because he turned back to Lance and spoke. “Sorry, Allura came over after school. We were gonna spend the evening together.”
“Oh ok. Well have fun then, I’ll just be off,” Lance plastered on a smile again. “I don’t wanna interrupt you.”
“Are you sure? I’m sure Allura wouldn’t care if you came in for a bit.”
“No, it’s fine. I should get back home anyways.”
“Alright, well if you need anything, just text me. I’ll try my best to respond but I might be busy with Lu.”
“Will do. Goodbye, Keith.”
“See ya, Lance.” Keith offered a smile before shutting the door. Lance stood there for a moment before turning around and leaving. Thoughts wracked his brain, all leading to one idea: to break his promise, for the last time.
~~~
That is what led Lance to where he is now. Curled up in a ball against the door with sobs wracking his body. He hated disappointing Keith so it made sense to make it so he never could again. His heart ached in pain at the thought of leaving Keith but it was for the best.
Forcing himself to get up he walked to the bathroom and opened the top drawer. The metal glinted in the light. It hasn’t been used in a month and after tonight, it wouldn’t be used again. His cries have finally stopped but he almost wishes they didn’t because now he’s just numb. Numbness is the worst feeling. It’s the main reason he started cutting in the first place. To feel something, anything.
Lance was glad he wasn’t wearing white today. At least his clothes wouldn’t be ruined, they could be donated to people who actually mattered and needed them. Grabbing the blade he slid down the wall. As much as he didn’t want to, he knew he owed Keith some form of explanation, even if it was short and simple. He pulled out his phone and went to Keith’s contact. His hands were shaking but he managed to type out a message:
Hey Keith or should I say goodbye? I dont know but I guess it doesnt matter anyways. This message is just to let you know that its not your fault. This is my last message to you. I plan to end it all tonight but I dont want you to feel guilty. I want you to go be happy with Allura and to go live your life as if nothing is wrong. Cause nothing is wrong. Everything will be better after tonight. Maybe I will finally find happiness, I dunno. Just move on, I wasnt that important anyways. I want you to take care of Blue tho and my mami. Make sure theyre both okay for me please? I love you. -Lance
Tears blurred his vision again as he hit send. Taking the blade, he held it against his arm which was littered with fading scars. He pressed down and slid it across the skin, drawing blood. He repeated this over and over till there was blood pooled on the floor and his arms and pants were covered in red. His breathing was labored and vision blurry from a combination of tears and blood loss but he continued. It got to a point where there was no way he could survive this. It was too late.
“I love you, Keith,” Lance whispered with shallow breath as his vision darkened.
He would never know how Keith ran to his room and cradled his best friend's body in his arms as police and EMTs arrived. He would never know how his mother and Keith stayed by his side in the hospital only to hear the beep flatline and be told it was too late. He would never know how Keith refused to leave the room of his best friend for days until he was forced out by Lance's mother to eat. He would never know how his best friend cried for weeks and weeks about what happened. He would never know that this caused Keith to major in psychology so he could help teens who felt how he used to feel.
Lance would never know any of this because Lance McClain was dead.