Archive of Our Own

Dean Winchester, age 6

I am in first grade

I wonder when Daddy will come home

I hear Sammy crying and I make him better

I see cartoons in the morning

I want the prize in the cereal box but I’ll share with Sammy

I am happy on the playground

I pretend to be an astronaut

I feel good

I touch my coat to be warm

I worry about Sammy getting hurt

I cry because I miss Mommy

I am the tallest in my class

I understand books

I say I love you Sammy

I dream about Mommy coming home

I try to be a good big brother

I hope I am a good big brother

I am brave

Dean Winchester, age 14

I wonder what girls think of me

I hear people whispering my name when we switch schools

I see Sam growing up (he’s already 10)

I want to be the best hunter ever

I am a ladies’ man

I pretend to be confident

I feel sad sometimes

I touch myself at night

I worry that Sam isn’t eating enough and that Dad might never come back

I cry like once a year and only when I’m drunk or really tired

I am curious about men

I understand what it is to go without things

I say a lot of things that aren’t true

I dream about girls

I try to be cool

I hope people actually like me

I am turning fifteen in a few months

Dean Winchester, age 20 (While Sam is at Stanford)

I wonder what it would be like if Sam were here

I hear Dad drinking in the next room

I see too many towns in even three days to count

I want to just stop for a while

I am too stubborn to call Sam

I pretend he’s going to come back 

I feel like this is all my fault

I touch the t-shirt he forgot sometimes

I worry that something will happen to Dad and I’ll be alone

I cry in the shower when I miss Sam too much

I am pathetic

I understand that Sam made his own choice and I have to move on

I say “I’m fine”

I dream about him saying he wants to be a family again

I try to be strong

I hope I’ll see him again

I am getting desperate

Dean Winchester, age 27 (Immediately following Sam’s death)

I wonder what Sam is doing in Heaven

I hear him talking to me sometimes, but he’s not there

I see his body lying there

I want to scream

I am wrecked

I pretend he’s sleeping next to me at night like usual

I feel anger

I touch his skin and pray it’s not too cold

I worry what I might do to change this

I cry constantly

I am miserable

I understand that Sam wouldn’t like my decision

I say okay, one year

I dream of hugging my brother again

I try to keep my secret

I hope he won’t find out

I am a marked man, but I couldn’t be happier

Dean Winchester, age 29 (Post-Hell)

I wonder what Sam thinks when my hands start shaking and I have to ask him to drive

I hear screams even though I’ve been top-side for six months

I see red

I want to go back and save Sam (and me)

I am holding on for Sammy

I pretend I’m okay

I feel nothing

I touch the handprint Castiel left

I worry Sam will stop letting me sleep next to him after my nightmares

I cry when Sam can’t see

I am so goddamn tired

I understand that Sam still needs me

I say I can make it another day

I dream of being free of this life

I try to do my best

I hope the angels will forget about me

I am weak

Dean Winchester, age 31 (Before the Apocalypse)

I wonder if either of us will say yes

I hear Sam breathing a few feet away

I see so many angels that it’s annoying

I want them to get this over with

I am fed up

I pretend I’m not as scared as I am

I feel like this will never end

I touch Sam’s hair more often than I used to

I worry that Sam will give in

I cry because Lucifer is getting to him so easily

I am terrified

I understand that things will likely go south

I say it’ll be okay

I dream of darkness

I try to forget about this when I can

I hope I’m not turning into an alcoholic

I am afraid I will have to say goodbye to my brother again

Dean Winchester, age 32 (Post-Sam jumping into Lucifer’s cage)

I wonder if I’ll ever stop feeling this bad

I hear Sam’s voice again, and I never want it to stop

I see him sometimes, too

I want to smell his hair again

I am barely surviving

I pretend to be getting better

I feel worse than I ever have in my life

I touch Lisa, but it doesn’t mean much to me

I worry that Ben might find my lifeless body

I cry every day

I am ruined

I understand that I should be “over it” by now and probably seeing a counselor or going to a group or something

I say maybe I will, but we both know I won’t

I dream of driving my car with Sam riding shotgun, but in reality, I can’t even look at the car

I try not to be a burden

I hope Sam is doing better than I think he is

I am drowning without him

Dean Winchester, age 35

I wonder if we’ll make it out of this alive

I hear Sam’s sobs echoing off the walls

I see his arm glowing in the darkness

I want his pain to go away

I am worried about both my brother and Cas

I pretend that I’m positive Sam will be fine

I feel my stomach twisting

I touch Sam’s shoulders and hope he finds it comforting

I worry that Cas is dead

I cry a little, but I don’t let Sam see

I am exhausted

I understand that things will never be the same

I say, “I got you, little brother. Let it out.”

I dream that we will both be dead together soon

I try to keep my composure

I hope Bobby is proud of us

I am proud of us

Dean Winchester, age 60

I wonder how Castiel’s garden is growing out back now that autumn is here

I hear Sam moving around in the kitchen making coffee

I see the golden morning light glowing through the blinds and lying slanted across the ceiling and my skin

I want some of the coffee Sam is making

I am calm

I pretend that I am still a hero. Sam says I am.

I feel the pain in my back when I stand up, but it’s going to be manageable today, I can tell

I touch the mirror and look at the soft wrinkles in my reflection. I don’t hate them.

I worry that Sam, Cas, and I won’t die at the same time

I cry when I think about one of them dying (again) before me

I am comforted by the fact that it will most likely not be a hunting accident, though

I understand that we are “normal” now and that the three of us will be together forever

I say “I love you” now instead of “I need you”

I dream about the three of us in the mountains

I try to make all their wishes come true

I hope that they love me as much as I love them

I am at peace