Chapter Text
Penelope is eleven when she realizes that girls and boys are different.
In fact, she's eleven when she realizes that girls and boys are treated differently, because when she is eleven, Penelope's mother decides that she needs to be more feminine and for that she needs to leave the baseball team to have time to go to ballet rehearsals.
She doesn't ask if Penelope wants out of baseball.
She doesn't ask if Penelope wants to dance.
She just listens to a neighbor saying that Penelope is a bizarre and very masculine girl, and she decides it's time for Penelope to be female. She doesn't care if Penelope wants to do that, at all. She just takes the girl's documents, holds her hand and takes Penelope to the ballet studio the day the registration period opens. And Penelope hates it. She hates the tight, pink outfit, she hates the weird hairstyle and she hates the uncomfortable sneakers.
She also hates it when her mom doesn't show up for her first rehearsal because she is on duty at the hospital again.
“Other girls will be there too. New girls. You will see.” Bernardo says on their way to the studio.
In baseball she still had the twins, Phinn and Phillipe, to help and encourage her, but at the ballet she was alone, which made her feel insecure. – Well, at least she was feeling insecure.
Now, with Phinn holding her hand, Phillipe searching the address on Google, and Bernardo walking behind them with a beginner ballet guide, she doesn't feels alone anymore.
"We'll have ice cream later, I promise." Phillipe blinks at her, which encourages the girl more than any maternal support.
She nods.
"So, I think we're here." Phinn is the only one saying this when all the brothers arrives in front of the large, rustic, and red bricks building, full of flowers and children's toys.
The Old Town's Community Center used to be a lot of things; When the neighborhood was founded, one hundred and fifty years ago, it was the home of an extremely wealthy banker, and it continued with his family for nearly three generations until it was effectively sold to the government in 1964, for to reform and to open a local school. At least, that was the initial wish. With the change of presidents and the rampant onset of corruption, the building was abandoned, serving as a home for drug dealers and their consumers for a long, long time. Nevertheless, despite the bad reputation, this small, three-story building, unlighted, and with its corrupted enchantment, still managed to catch the attention of the current mayor, who decided to follow his wife's ideia with her social work five years ago, converting buildings like this in community centers.
Then, after numerous renovations, the destroyed building became a communal place, visited by almost the entire neighborhood. And surprisingly, it wasn't too bad. The corridors were long, the walls were dark, drawn, and there was a breathtaking glass chandelier in reception. She had never seen such a stylish place in her life.
“Is this your first time?”
Penelope is taken from her reverie by the soft voice of the woman in front of her.
Instinctively, she looks at Phillipe, who smiles at her.
"Yes," she whispers, feeling a little more confident with the lovely smile she receives in return. The woman in question owns beautiful blue eyes, a small and delicate nose, and her hair was so blond that looks even white. She was beautiful. The kind of person who encourages you to want to be nice.
“Well, you'll love it. The ballet performances are beautiful and we always get some time at Lockwood Theater at the beginning of the seasons.” The blue-eyed stranger rambles, taking her eyes off from Penelope to compare the name on Penelope's identity with the names on her clipboard. Then, satisfied with what she finds, she looks at Bernardo briefly as she returns the document.
She waves her hand in a silent request and spins on her heel, instructing the brothers to follow her.
“Do you like performances, darling?” That's another question for Penelope.
"Yes I think."
"Have you performed before?"
"I played baseball before, does that count?"
Penelope stops at the studio entrance, feeling apprehensive.
It's a beautiful place, of course, just like the rest of the building, but the amount of information is scary.
There is a huge mirror on one of the walls and some support rods in front of them. She can also see some chairs in a more private place, full of mothers and older sisters – Some girls in her age are in the center, chatting happily with each other.
This is so much to her. Just... too much.
“You'll be great, Peez. I promise.” Bernardo whispers beside her, placing his hands on the childish back to encourage his sister.
On the other side, the excited blonde they followed realizes she is no being followed anymore and ceases her hasty steps with both slender eyebrows low. Her expression turns a thousand times gentler when she sees Penelope's apprehensive face.
"That looks a little scary at first, I know, but the girls are very receptive." To make her point, the blonde woman points to the group in the center of the room, talking animatedly. "It's their first class too."
Penelope lets Phillipe's hand go and whispers shamefully, "I'm not very good with new friendships."
Nevertheless, she was excited to make new friends. In fact, that was an idea wholly driven by Phinn at their last dinner; try to meet other girls, she means. Pearl, their mother, is worried because Penelepe hasn't yet developed a feminine way, blaming the amount of time she spends with her brothers and their friends. The ballet, in her mother’s view, would be good to start her relationship with other girls – And if she can prove she can be just like the other girls, so maybe she could convince Pearl to let her go back to baseball.
It was the perfect plan until now.
Now, however, seeing all the girls talking to each other easily, she doesn't know if she can do that.
The woman in front of Penelope waves in compression. “Well, I have a daughter who's a little shy too, but she's amazing and people realized that naturally when they meet her.” She narrows her blue eyes a little to be nice. "I'm pretty sure they will see how special you are too."
Penelope likes the confidence she feels when she hears these words.
"You have a daughter?"
"Two, actually." She uses the clipboard to indicate the circle of girls, probably to show her daughters, but Penelope can't really tell who is who in the midst of so many faces. “I'm going to watch the rehearsal today. You can talk to me later, if you want.”
With a brief nod, she walks back to her parents' quiet space. Then, as if she were a magnet, all the other mothers are drawn toward her, clearly interested in a conversation.
"It's the mayor's wife, isn't it?" Phillipe says somewhere beside her.
“Caroline.” Bernardo nods.
But Penelope doesn't listen to the rest. She has a rehearsal to attend at the end – And she do it.
There are about fifteen moms in the studio and none of them are Penelope's mom, and that makes her a little upset for a considerably time. Then, at some point between all the jumps and pirouettes, she does what she's already used to; she tries to see it in a positive way, and she prefers a thousand times like that, because in this new way Penelope can see fifteen excited mothers and her three brothers offering all the support she could need. A little awkward support, it’s true, full of shouts and whistles as if Penelope were in the middle of a baseball field even though she had missed every step of the choreography and stepped on the girl beside her three times – but they still was there for her support.
And she will always love them for it.
***
When rehearsal is over, she's more than happy to enter the locker room.
The hairstyle is giving her a headache and her feet are hurting because of her tight ballet slippers, so she just wants to get out of it as soon as possible, put on her baggy clothes and pester Phillipe until he buys her ice cream.
And she can almost take off her shoes.
Almost.
“Aren't you the baseball girl?” One of the ballerinas approaches Penelope at some point, apparently kindly. The almost white color of her hair and the slightly slanted blue eyes look familiar to Penelope, but she doesn't know exactly where this sensation is coming from.
Penelope feels a little nervous. The most part of the girls already knew each other, so they had no communication problems, talking and laughing the moment they entered the locker room, but Penelope doesn't know anyone yet. She never did. She doesn't talk with to many girls, but she would like to be friend with one – She would like it very much.
That's why she doesn't know what to say now. What if she isn't cool? What if she messes up?
"Hm... I am." She tries shyly.
She wants to smile too, but she thinks this is going to be really weird, so she just holds her hand in front of her body and watches as the other girls approach her too, curious about the girl who is always with boys... or maybe just curious about the dynamics that were going on here, she doesn't know.
“You should have stayed there so. Ballet is for girls.”
Penelope doesn't understand that. "But I'm a girl."
"No, you're not!" Another girl says, trying to judge her clearly.
The feeling of rejection consumes Penelope's stomach when she realizes that slowly all eyes around her turn into evil looks.
In any other situation, Penelope wouldn’t let that happen. She was raised by three extremely proud boys who taught her that no one should step on her, and she learned very well. She knows how to protect herself, and she could easily do that now, but right now, she feels a new kind of agony that keeps her from doing anything but stare at all those faces. She wanted so much to have a friend too that when her expectations were ruined, she simply lost her words.
"You shouldn't be here." The blonde who approached her says, denying. Penelope listens quietly as the footsteps move away from her to leave the locker room and she promises herself that she won't cry. She can not cry. She just keeps thinking. “The world is not kind. Don't expect people to be either” and she knows Pearl will be annoyed if she finds out Penelope is crying about it. So, she swallows the anguish, raises her hand to remove the elastic from her hair and promises herself that she will never create that kind of expectation again.
People were cruel and horrible, and they say things that hurt. That's the way things are.
She swallows and raises her head, only to find brown eyes watching her carefully. She's the same girl Penelope bumped into during rehearsal, but she doesn't seem upset with Penelope because of that. In fact, she looks strangely calm. Her brown hair is caught in a hairstyle and she's wearing a pink body like Penelope's own, but for some reason, this girl doesn't look as uncomfortable or clumsy as Penelope was now. She just looks... Cool. And delicate. And soft. And she is so beautiful too.
“I'm so sorry for Lizzie. She is not always like that.”
"Hm... Okay. Fine." Because, in the end, what could she say besides that? Do not worry? Don't ask for apologizes? None of this sounds sincere and it isn't.
Penelope didn't know if she liked girls yet. The name on her wrist was a girl's name, but Penelope didn't know her yet, so she wouldn't let herself look at another a girl like that either. This seemed strange. Evil. She didn't like the idea of wanting someone else if that person wasn't her soulmate, so she doesn't look at other girls like that. And she won't look either. Never. Just because of that, when the word "Beautiful" crosses her thoughts a second time, Penelope looks down at her joined hands and moves her feet to the floor. This is still hurting because of the ballet slippers.
"I can take it off for you."
Penelope lowers her eyebrows.
"What?"
“Your ballet slippers. I can take it off for you.” She offers again, with a kind smile. "Can I?"
Does she want to take off my ballet slippers?
When Penelope started in baseball, no boy offered help with the equipment. She only learned after half an hour by maneuvering all protections, refusing the pitying looks of Phillipe and Phinn, who also practiced the sport with her. Penelope grew up with boys and boys don't tend to take care of each other because their parents usually helped with the whole process until they could do it on their own. But Penelope has no father, so she had to learn to do things like that on her own, and she was fine with that.
But with ballet slippers it was different?
She looks into the girl's friendly face and she can't say no, so she waves again and swallows a shaky breath as the girl falls to her knees and puts her hands on her slippers knots. “Lizzie is the best person I know, but sometimes her ego puffs up a little. Even so, I promise she is a good person.” She keeps talking while Penelope nods blindly, not really realizing that she can't see it at this angle.
Having a girl undoing the laces on her heels is weird, but not boring or bad. It's kind of a good thing, she thinks. Her hands are delicate. Very soft. When she touches Penelope, it's as if her knees get weak and her breath catches in the back of her throat. She feels her pulse race and her heart stutter with the care and affection the girl has to undo her ties, and for a second, a single second, she wants to be nice and make a friendship.
But it's ended pretty fast – One second, the gentle girl is touching her heels while Penelope is smelling the sweet scent of lavender and cherries coming from her, and the next she’s handing Penelope the ballet slippers with a careful smile.
"See? It's easy.” The girl reaches for her. "I'm Josette, but you can call me Josie."
Josette
The familiarity of that name haunts Penelope like a ghost since she was eight, and she would like to say it's a literal phrase, but it's not.
She was only eight years old when she woke up with a shadow of a vowel on her wrist. E. She remembers how uncomfortable that was and how she rubbed her skin with soap and water to get the weird impression off her wrist. But she injured the area and could not erase the letter.
A few days after that, an "s" appeared next to the "e", and Bernardo saw it. He was the only one explaining to her the tale of soulmates. Something like the universe dividing your soul in two the minute you are conceived, and how that this second part is sent to somewhere in the world. When you were at a close distance from this person, your own body gave some signs of that proximity and sometimes that signal was the letters of the other person's name.
Bernardo showed his signal and wailed at the same second. Penelope’s older brother had only three letters on his heel, and that, according to him, was a bad thing because it meant that his soulmate had his name on her heel too, a part of the body naturally hard to see in a normal day.
Philip already had a full name now. Teresa. His name appeared near the bone of his collarbone a year after the first letters appeared on Penelope's wrist. But Penelope wasn't noticed her own signal completed until two years ago, when she was playing a very important game of thumb war with Mg before realizing the full sequence of letters on her wrist.
Did that mean Josette had her tattoo complete, too?
Penelope drops her eyes to her wrist instinctively, and she can clearly see her name there.
“Penelope.” She smiles shyly, raising her hand to answer Josie's introduction, and she's very careful when she does that. Penelope just feels that she needs to treat Josie with that kind of care not to hurt her, but honestly Penelope doesn't understand why Josie's smile drops and her brown eyebrows drop slightly.
Did she do something wrong?
Penelope has been playing baseball since she was seven and sometimes she played without gloves, so her hands weren't as delicate and feminine as Josie's hands were. She knows because she has some corns and she thinks that's why Josie isn't smiling at her anymore. Penelope thinks her corns are hurting Josie.
She does the first thing that pops into her head and tries to pull her wrist back right away, but Josie won't let her take her hand away, squeezing her fingers gently to change the position of their hands, so Penelope's wrist is raised and her name is easily exposed.
Penelope clears her throat.
"I... Hm... Phillipe will take me for ice cream." She says as Josie releases her and walks away a little. Penelope covers her name with her other hand because, for some reason, it doesn't seem to have made Josie happy. "Do you want to come with us?"
Please, say yes.
Please.
"No, thank you. Lizzie and I are having dinner with our mom.” Josie smiles with pursed lips before taking her bag from the sink. She turns around just to say, “It was nice meeting you, Penelope.” Before leaving.
The next time Lizzie tries to embarrass Penelope, she doesn't stay quiet, but Josie does.
Soul mates should take care of each other.
Soul mates should protect each other.
But Josie just turns and walks away again.
And again.
And again.
Penelope keeps saying that it's because Josie doesn't love her yet, but Josie doesn't even try, and it hurts her.
"You two are very young," Bernardo says when they were having half a family lunch.
Not surprisingly, Pearl is working when this conversation happens, but it's better this way. Penelope didn't tell her about Josie. None of the Park brothers did. Pearl never knew her soulmate, and worse than that, she never found a letter in her body, so it made her a little bit bitter for the things of the heart. Penelope knew that if she were going to talk about Josie, her mother would just roll her eyes and repeat her personal mantra “People don't love. People just hurt.” And Penelope doesn't want to hear that again. She likes Josie and she wants Josie to like her too.
“Give her some time. You'll be together when you're old enough for that.” Bernardo keeps talking.
So Penelope gives up ballet practice and goes back to baseball because if Josie needed time, she would give it to her.
At least, she tries.
In the next year, Josie and Lizzie are transferred to Penelope's school and they all study in the same class, which makes it a little difficult in the process of avoiding her.
***
Penelope's fifteen when both of them are drawn to do a physics project together, and she's so excited about it.
One of the twins, Phillipe, has been dating Teresa for two months and Bernardo found out that his soulmate, Linda, is just Josie's best friend a few months ago. Nevertheless, even with their short relationship, both couples have a incredibly and beautiful relationship, and reciprocal. Bernardo likes Linda as much as Linda likes him and Teresa could give the world for Phillipe.
Penelope still doesn't know how love works, but she thinks it should be like that; with someone willing to face the world for you.
She just wants Josie and her to be like that too, but when she stops Josie to ask about the project, in the middle of the coffee shop, excited to spend some time with her, Josie smiles with tight lips and says “I'll do it and put your name. Don't worry about” before she leave.
This is not the first time Josie makes an excuse not to talk to her and Penelope easily realizes this even though she doesn't know why she is doing it. Penelope isn't a rich or very smart girl, it's true, but she's a good girl. She works and has her own money. She is a regular student too. She has even learned to use mascara and lipstick, and she is considerably attractive. She has had boys and girls going to her, and because of the frequency this happens, she can guarantee that she is not bad to look at, even when she keeps refusing all the attempts.
But even so, Josie never looked at her like that.
Or like nothing, at all.
Sometimes it's like Penelope doesn't even exist and that frustrates her.
Why can't Josie see her?
***
When she's sixteen, Penelope hears Linda tell Bernardo that Josie slept with Rafael on the weekend, and on Monday, he has his arms around her shoulders on the baseball camp just as if they were dating.
Josie is smiling at him.
She hasn't smiled at Penelope since she was eleven, but she smiles at Rafael.
Penelope knows this is getting ridiculous, but she can't help it. If Josie doesn't want her, she needs to say it with every word. That's just why Penelope follows her to the bathroom that day, promising to herself that this is the last time she's going to pester Josie because of her expectations.
Josie turns to her.
"You're with Rafael," she begins, hating every word. She hopes this is all just a big mess and Josie says it's just another grotesque gossip, but Josie nods, agreeing with her statement. "You gave him a chance," she says again, hearing the way her voice is considerably lower now. “You gave him a chance, but not for me. Is something wrong with me?”
She hates what it looks like.
She hates the words.
She hates how needy she is.
She doesn't really want to ask that because she knows it's a little archaic and because she knows this soulmate crap was just a bunch of letters on her wrist, but she can't swallow her words now. Not after Josie has heard that. Not after all she saw today.
Josie denies it.
“I just think fate doesn't have to rule it. I like Rafael now, and I won't abandon it just because someone thinks we should be together. ”
Penelope didn't choose Josie because her name was engraved on her wrist. She chose Josie because she had a good heart. She chose Josie because Josie defended Lizzie like no one else defended Lizzie and because she gave free math classes to the neighborhood kids, and because she wrote affectionate notes to random people at school just to remind them that they're special on Valentine's Day, anonymously, and because when she smiled, Penelope's day got better a thousand times, and because when Josie was nervous, she rubbed her fingers at the letters of Penelope's name on her wrist unconsciously.
Penelope chose Josie.
Not fate, not the universe and certainly not God.
But Josie didn't pick her back.
***
Two days after that, Penelope kisses someone for the first time. It doesn't seem right and it sure doesn't make your heart race the way it should be, but who cares? She will still have a lot of time to love the right people and when that time comes she would guarantee that she would be loved back.
Maybe that way her heart wouldn't hurt so much.
She kisses other people after that too, but she doesn't like to do that, at all. She thinks it's unnecessary and clumsy, and if she can be honest, sometimes it's a little wet too, but keeps doing that because she needs to get on with her life.
She kisses a girl once and it's weird.
So she kisses a boy and is... Okay.
She is a little high when this happens, but sober enough to know that she really wants to accept it when he calls her to go somewhere else. They don't leave the party for that anyway. He takes her somewhere in the pantry, kisses her neck and opens his belt, but Penelope isn't even close to feeling anything when it happens, so she does the first thing she thinks and breaks the kiss. "Not yet," she says, ignoring the boy's confused expression to take his hands off his belt and help him until her panties.
It’s almost good.
Almost.
It's not a total disaster, at least. She can even feels that warm sensation and the nervous anxiety burning in her stomach like if she could do something big and... Well, cool, and that seems enough at the moment – at that really short and small moment because before that thing arrives, the pantry door opens and the person at the door is just the worst person in the world to appear now.
"Bernardo-" she whispers in shock.
Bernardo, your older brother.
Bernardo, your fucking older brother.
"What-" He strangled, not believing he saw it. Penelope also can't believe this is really happening, if she can be honest. How did he get here? How the hell did he find her here? Penelope stutters, her mind blank, but all Bernardo does is stare at the boy in front of her and growl, "Son of a bitch!"
It's a mess at the very least.
Bernardo pulls him into the middle of the kitchen and they fight, punches and kicks in everywhere and with everyone watching. A curious mass of people circle them easily as Penelope, in a panic, tries to pulls the poor boy's away from her brother rage.
Phillipe and Phinn hold Bernardo while someone will try to dry the blood on the other guy's nose.
“Are you crazy?” Phillipe shouts.
"What are you doing?!" Phinn asks.
"He was- Penelope- He and Penelope-" Bernardo can't say that out loud, but the boys understand.
Two pairs of eyes, in shock, turned toward Penelope.
"You and him... Did you sleep with my sister!" Phillipe growls, releasing Bernardo to run after the boy, but the boy runs out of the kitchen before Phillipe can catch him.
Penelope looks at Josie in the same second, instinctively, because she feels she owes an apology, and she almost does it when she connects her eyes with hers in the mass of teenagers. Then she remembers that Josie doesn't want her and her heart hurts.
It hurts even more when she sees the look of betrayal on Josie's face.
Why is she hurting Josie if she's not trying to do this?
“Peez, come here.” Linda holds her elbow gently, trying to get her attention. “Peez, we need to get out of here. Come on.” Falling into reality around her, Penelope nods slowly to the small blonde girl in front of her and leaves the kitchen.
Rafael breaks up with Josie the day he meets his soul mate for the first time.
It's not even four months after he and Josie started dating, but Penelope still expects Josie to be a little upset about the whole situation. However Josie is incredibly well. Or Linda says she is, at least.
Five months after that, Josie and Penelope end up playing the truth or dare at a friend meeting.
“Truth or dare?” Linda asks.
"Dare," Josie says.
"I dare you to go to the closet with Penelope."
Her stupid and half-drunk heart still stutters at the possibility of talking to Josie.
But Josie doesn't look at her before changing her choice.
"Truth."
Penelope doesn't ask for many things. She has a house, a family she loves and a nice hobbie. She is happy. She worked hard to be, but tonight, Josie's explicit rejection reminds her of how unwanted she is. Her father doesn't look at her, her mother thinks she is still a stupid and needy child and her brothers are slowly meeting new people and leaving her life. And Josie, the only person in the world who should make her feel wanted and loved, just makes a point of remembering how repulsive she is every time they are together.
She reaches into Linda's mother's fridge and steals a few beers from there when the game is over.
To say that this is a mistake is an understatement. – This is a disaster.
Penelope comes home drunk and crying while Bernardo and Linda try to reassure their broken heart.
Surprisingly, Pearl is in the living room when this happens, watching television, probably after another long and tiring on-call at the hospital.
“What happened?” She asks, obviously worried.
“She drank a lot. I really don't know how that happened.” Linda responds.
After that, the night is a blur for Penelope. She remembers Bernardo taking her to the bathroom and remembers him leaving they too, but she doesn't know if Phillipe and Phinn were home, if they were sleeping or if they were at some other neighborhood party. She just remembers crying again, whispering the events of the night compulsively while she hugs Pearl's stomach, looking for comfort.
"People don't love." Her mother says when Penelope finishes, pulling her arms out from your stomach to get on her knees in front of Penelope, her tired face full of anger. “People just hurt. How many times do I need to say that? ”
People do much more than hurt, but some people weren't born to be loved.
People like Penelope.