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“Liar! I have half a mind to find this human and show him the actual danger of calling a demon a 'danger noodle'!”
At the demon’s exclamation, Aziraphale gently set aside his pile of books. He had thought Crowley was napping in a corner and the last hour had been spent in meditative silence as he reshelved books. He wasn’t sure what a “danger noodle” was but the air quotes hung nastily in the air. Crowley appeared from around the corner, waving his mobile animatedly.
"Wrathful today, are we?"
“Humans lie, that is well and good, not going to pretend I don’t enjoy that, but this!”
Aziraphale squinted at the photo as Crowley shoved his mobile into his face. It was a picture of one of the bookshop’s shelves, a black and red snake neatly curled up next to a pile of old gardening books.
Danger Noodle Does a Sleep, read the title.
"Oh. Oh yes. I do see the problem."
"I knew you would!"
“Indeed. The grammar. The grammar is quite worrying. On the other hand, it is quite a charming photo, my dear.”
“Charming?! I mean, yes of course it's charming, it's me after all. But this naked ape is claiming that I am his...ergh...pet snake! His! His pet! And calling me, ME! The Serpent in the Garden! Ancient beyond his reckoning! Calling me 'a danger noodle' just to suck up karma on Reddit!”
Aziraphale hummed thoughtfully and led Crowley back to the front of the shop. He had a feeling that a calming cup of cocoa would do them both good while he tried to understand his companion's rant.
A few minutes later, Aziraphale handed over a mug to Crowley, who lay slumped dramatically on one of the less cluttered sofas.[1] Crowley slurped at the cocoa as Aziraphale gently nudged one long leg out of the way so he could also sit.
“I’m afraid I’m confused. I don't know what you mean by a 'Reddit' and why it has you so upset.”
“Reddit? Haven’t I mentioned it before? That's one of mine.[2] A website where people can talk about, oh, whatever they want. Find others with the same interests and such.”
“It sounds perfectly nice, Crowley.”
Crowley pulled a face.
“Oh no no no, angel. That is the trick of it all. It's actually terrible. I'm usually very proud of it. You're a human with all these thoughts and opinions. You think it sounds like a good distraction, a nice time, a way to talk to new people and make them listen to you. But then you get sucked into a flame war over how to tie shoe laces and before you know it, people have deleted their accounts, enemies are made, and no one is happy!”
“Oh.”
“Not to mention all the grubbing for karma. People will post or say anything for it. Sweet little hits of dopamine, you can't have just one.”
“Karma? Does this website really have the power to affect a human's soul like that?”
“Not real karma, it’s all just useless numbers!”
“Ah. Similar to...what was it you told me about? Bitcoin?”
“Even more useless! It does absolutely nothing!”
Crowley snatched up his mobile and scrolled busily as he talked.
“Hah! Someone else just called the poster out. Must be one of your regulars here. Apparently they recognized the shelf. Oh, that is a choice bit of language being exchanged. Good show.”
Crowley seemed to have cheered up, bolstered by the cocoa and preening about his demonic invention. Aziraphale sipped his own cocoa and asked, “Is it all like that? Lying and fighting?”
“Well,” Crowley dragged out the word, “no, not all of it. No matter what, some humans still make an effort to be kind and supportive. Hmph.” He noticed Aziraphale’s face had brightened at that. “C’mon then, do you want to make an account? Try it out?”
Aziraphale, of course, refused.
1 He complained that this upsetting situation called for whiskey, but was mollified by extra marshmallows.
2 Crowley was responsible for the creation of most social media platforms and still considered the whole concept one of his best ideas.
Later that evening, Aziraphale pulled his own mobile out of the depths of his writing desk. He had, more than once, been called a technophobe but Aziraphale wasn’t afraid of technology. He just didn’t see the use of much of it. But for this, he made an exception. Crowley had gifted the smartphone to him soon after Armageddon-That-Wasn't, insisting that the angel could find use for it. Sometimes they played “Words with Friends” together.[3]
Aziraphale mainly suspected that Crowley wanted an excuse to send him selfies. Not that he would ever ask Crowley to stop. After so many millennia spent concocting excuses to see each other, it warmed Aziraphale’s heart that they could connect whenever and however they wanted. Aziraphale hadn't checked the mobile in quite a while but that was fine. It wasn’t as though he needed to worry about charging the battery, data usage, or wifi. Aziraphale wanted the mobile to work because Crowley gave it to him. And so, the mobile worked.
That had been a very nice photo of Crowley, Aziraphale mused, and he wanted to save it. He was also feeling a bit tetchy over someone claiming ownership of Crowley, even for fake points on the internet. Neither he nor Crowley belonged to anyone, anymore.
He quickly found the site and the post. Danger noodle! Oh, Crowley had been wroth, but it made Aziraphale giggle. He downloaded the photo and then decided to take a look around the rest of the site. Crowley seemed quite proud of most of it, and that made Aziraphale want to understand it. Crowley may have been the one who Fell for asking questions, but Aziraphale was also no stranger to curiosity.
Over the next week or so, Aziraphale visited the site a couple more times. He had demurred making an account when Crowley asked, but the idea wriggled itself into Aziraphale’s brain and waited. After finding a thread discussing a translation of Sappho, he gave in and signed up. Aziraphale, after all, had been one of her first fans.
3 Despite Crowley always saying he didn't read, he could give the angel a sound trouncing at times. When it happened, Aziraphale found himself both pleased and very disgruntled. The app, however, just found itself confused. It hadn’t known it had options for ancient Greek and old English.
The year moved on steadily. Anathema and Newt popped around a few times for tea and Tadfield gossip. Crowley moved a few plants into the flat, Aziraphale stuffed three whole new bookcases into the shop, and life was generally calm.
Aziraphale occasionally pulled his mobile out and read and responded to threads on first editions of books, lunch spots in London, and the like. Crowley now knew about his account and seemed quietly pleased about the amount of fake internet points the angel had accrued.
Crowley was grinning. Aziraphale could feel it against the back of his neck. As the two settled into an earthly routine they had also been slowly developing new aspects of their relationship. One of the most successful so far was Cuddling, which they were engaged in at the moment. Aziraphale was the small spoon tonight. Unable to twist his neck as far as Crowley could, he was forced to shuffle a bit on his back to make eye contact. He patted Crowley's hand that was curled up near his chest.
"You are grinning. Mind sharing?"
"Been taking pictures of me while I sleep, Aziraphale? How naughty!" Crowley sing-songed, grinning even wider when Aziraphale sighed, his cheeks pinking.
"You found that post I made, didn't you?" Aziraphale sheepishly waved the hand not holding Crowley's, unwilling to move more. The mobile popped into existence. He pulled up the post and sighed. "I can delete the post, my dear. You looked so peaceful and...well...call me Prideful but I wanted to show you off."
The picture, much as the first one that Aziraphale saved, showed Crowley in his snake form. He sprawled out across the writing desk by the eastern window. The rising sun shone through the window and glinted off his scales, the deep black of his body and the fiery ember red of his belly. One of Aziraphale's bow ties had been absentmindedly left out on the desk and Crowley's sleek head rested upon it.
Crowley shifted himself closer. His voice was deliberately light. "No. No, don't delete it. Besides, I've snuck enough photos of you. Turnabout is fair play and all that."
Aziraphale laughed and stole another glance at the photo. Beautiful, he thought dreamily. The page refreshed: A new comment had come in. Crowley made a rude noise, also eyeing the comment.
"Another human, calling me a pet!"
"Shush, wily serpent," Aziraphale soothed. He quickly typed a reply: 'Pet is not accurate. He is his own snake, beholden to no one. However, I am blessed enough to share my life with him.'
Aziraphale knew his cheeks were still a bit pink. But then again, so were Crowley's. The demon's arms tightened around him as he murmured softly, "And so am I, angel. So am I."