Chapter Text
PROLOGUE
2006
“It was a dark and stormy night…”
“No kidding,” Harvey muttered as a flash of lightning lit up the night sky followed almost immediately by a clap of thunder so loud that it drowned out the howling wind and shook the house. Rain lashed at the windows so hard that she had to turn up the stereo to hear her audiobook.
She had just gotten comfortable, her feet tucked beneath her and her mug clasped in her hands, when the doorbell rang. It was almost ten o’clock and she couldn’t imagine who would be calling so late. With a frustrated sigh, she put down her tea and padded into the hallway to answer the door, pulling her sweater tightly around her.
The wind snatched the door from her grip as she opened it, slamming it back against the wall and snatching up the mail that sat on the sideboard, swirling the envelopes into the air. “Chris, what the hell?” She stood back to let him in and he added his weight to the door to help her push it closed again.
“I’m sorry.”
“What are you doing here? I thought you were in LA?”
“I was, but I had to come back. I had to see you.”
“Oh my god, you’re drenched.” She watched him drip onto the wooden floor.
“I walked.”
“From where?”
“My place.”
She rolled her eyes and muttered ‘idiot’ under her breath. “Stay there.” She ran upstairs and returned with a towel, a dry t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants. “What is so important that you fly across the country and walk three miles in this storm?”
He rubbed his hair with the towel and looked at her ruefully. “I need your help. You’re the smartest person I know, Harvs.”
“That is a damning indictment on the rest of your social circle,” she said, gathering the mail that was now scattered across the hall. “I just made tea, do you want some?”
“Yes please.” Chris shrugged off his wet jacket before pulling his t-shirt over his head. He caught the clean top that Harvey threw at him. “Hey, I’ve been looking for this everywhere.”
“You left it here a couple of months ago.” She held out the sweatpants. “Here. Put your wet stuff in the washer and put it on to spin. I’ll get your tea.”
Dropping the pile of envelopes onto the sideboard, she turned and headed for the kitchen. She wished she wasn’t wearing pyjamas covered in penguins with a matching pair of bed socks, or that she’d dragged a brush through her hair but Chris was far too sweet to notice such things. He was one of her oldest and most definitely closest friends. They’d met when her family had moved to Massachusetts at the start of their high school freshman year. Prior to that, they’d moved around so much that she was never in one place long enough to make friends. Her locker had been next to his and he was the first friendly face she saw as, with a sense of resigned trepidation, she’d started at yet another new school.
Now he spent a lot of his time in LA, his movie career really taking off, while she pursued her career in Massachusetts. She missed not having him around all the time so it was always good to see him whenever he came home. Pondering on his enigmatic visit, she poured him a cup of tea and added milk. She was utterly perplexed as to why he would walk through a raging storm late at night. Why not just drive?
When she returned to the sitting room, Chris was sitting on the sofa, his damp hair sticking up in clumps where he’d rubbed it with the towel. She put his mug on the coffee table and sat down beside him. “Are you warm enough?”
“Yes, thanks.” He nodded, his eyes closed. “What are you listening to?”
“A Wrinkle in Time.” Finding the remote down the side of the sofa, she turned the stereo off. The storm was still beating her house and she began to fervently hope it didn’t blow down.
“It’s crazy out there,” he muttered.
“You were crazy to walk here. What if you’d been hit by debris?”
“I don’t want anyone to know I’m here. I’m supposed to be at an event in LA tomorrow night. I’ll have to get a flight back first thing.”
“I’ll take you to the airport,” she said automatically, leaning forward to pick up her mug. “Could you not just have called? This all seems very dramatic.”
“You know me. I can’t live without a bit of drama.” His fingers tapped a beat on his leg and he avoided her eye.
“So,” she prompted, “what’s going on?”
He sighed and leant forward. Elbows on his knees, he dropped his head into his hands and rubbed his face. “I’ve fucked up, Harvey,” he said wearily. “I’ve really fucked up.”
She’d never seen him in such anguish. On the contrary, he was usually annoyingly laidback about everything. “Can we fix it?”
“I don’t know. I hope so.”
Harvey laid her hand on the back of his neck, feeling the tension in his muscles. “Do you want to tell me about it?”
He opened his eyes and looked at her. “Can I stay? Please?”
“Of course! You don’t have to ask.”
“Thank you.”
“Are you hungry?”
He shook his head. “Can you put the book back on and we can cuddle a while?”
“Sure.” She turned the stereo back on and the CD started from the beginning. Chris put his arm around her shoulders as she curled up beside him.
“It was a dark and stormy night…”
The storm seemed to choose that moment to kick up a gear, if that were even possible. With each gust of wind, the walls of the house shuddered. “Do you think my house is going to fall down?”
Chris smiled and shook his head, reaching up to tweak her nose. “Your house is made of sterner stuff than a Nor’easter.”
“I hope you’re right.” She pulled a throw from the back of the couch and covered them both.
“I got someone pregnant,” he said quickly, as if trying to get the words out before he changed his mind.
Harvey blinked, unsure if she’d really heard what she thought she heard. “What?”
He sighed, rubbing his hands over his face again. “I got someone pregnant.”
“Kayla?” Then, when he shook his head, “Wow…”
“She doesn’t want it. She wants to have it adopted.”
“How do you feel about that?”
“I want it, but… I don’t think I can. I can’t even keep a plant alive so how would I cope with a baby?”
“What about your mom?”
“I thought about it but how would we explain it to everyone else?”
“What do you want? Do you want to persuade her to keep it? If you set her up in a nice apartment and paid a hefty sum every month, she might go for it.”
He shook his head. “She already has money. She’s adamant that adoption is the only option. Harvs, I really can’t afford for this to get out and I don’t know what to do.”
Harvey bit her lip and frowned. “This is what you want me to help you with?”
“I don’t know how though.”
“Oh, good. I’m glad it’s not just me,” she said faintly. “I’ll need some time to think about it.”
“You’ve got thirty-five weeks.”
“I can’t believe it, Chris. I mean, I know you can be irresponsible, but –”
“Please don’t,” he begged. “I can’t take a lecture, especially from you.”
Harvey put her arms around him and held him as tightly as she could. She asked quietly, “Who is she?”
“I met her in a club one night a few weeks ago. I hooked up with her a couple of times afterwards but it was nothing serious.”
“I take it you and Kayla are off right now?”
“I can’t keep track. I guess…”
Harvey bit her tongue, holding back her thoughts on his inability to keep track of his own relationships. “Do you want something stronger than tea?”
“You mean, like, alcohol?” He looked scandalised, as if they were fourteen again and raiding her father’s liquor stash.
She giggled, nudging him off of her with her shoulder before getting up and heading for the drinks cabinet. “I’ve only got brandy. You finished my whisky the last time you were here.”
“Works for me.”
She poured two glasses and handed him one as she sat back beside him. “You know, Chris, if you’re not ready to look after a child then maybe adoption is the best choice.”
“I can’t explain it. I want to, I just know that I can’t. Not right now.”
“You can’t hit pause on the pregnancy until you’re ready.”
“I know,” he muttered, staring deep into his brandy glass as if the answer to his problems lay at the bottom. “I really want there to be another way.”
Harvey wasn’t sure that there was but, again, she held her tongue. Instead, she reached out and rubbed his back, then held him when he leaned against her. “We’ll figure something out, Chris. I promise.”
She felt bad for promising a solution when she couldn’t see an alternative. The only thing might simply be to make him understand that it was for the best at this point in his life. As much as she loved Chris, as great a friend as he was, she couldn’t imagine him looking after a child alone, not when he was still so much of a child himself and enjoying his bachelorhood. Not to mention that he was trying to establish his career and, as cold and cynical as it sounded, it would be a real setback for him.
“What time do you need to be at the airport?”
“About seven. Is that too early?”
She shook her head. “No, I’ll drop you on the way to work.”
Harvey tried to process everything he'd said all while they finished their brandies, then they called it a night. Chris went to throw his clothes in the dryer while she went upstairs and took her turn in the bathroom. He stayed over so often that she had a little corner for his toiletries and he had a drawer in her dresser. By the time he finished in the bathroom, she was already in bed with the quilt tucked under her chin as she watched him climb in beside her.
“Did you set an alarm?”
“Yeah, for five. Is that too early?”
He shook his head, beating the pillow into submission. “I’ll just lounge in bed for half an hour while you get ready.”
“It’s alright for some,” she said, rolling her eyes.
He grinned, leaning across to kiss her cheek. “Goodnight Harvs.”
“Night.”
She slept for a while, maybe four hours. Then she stared up at the ceiling, her mind working overtime. She could hear Chris breathing in the darkness but it wasn’t the deep, even breathing of sleep. “Are you awake?” she whispered, turning her head on the pillow to look at him.
“Yeah,” he mumbled sleepily.
She turned over to face him, trying to make out his features in the darkness of her room. “I think maybe I should go to LA and speak to her.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. She – Dammit, Chris, what is this poor girl’s name?”
“Faye.”
“Faye might be more comfortable speaking to someone else. I might be able to get to the bottom of her reasons and maybe we’ll be able to come to an arrangement.”
“Do you want to come with me in the morning?”
“I can’t skip work but I’ll fly out on Friday evening for the weekend.”
“Shall I invite her over or…?”
“No,” she said thoughtfully. “I think it would be better for us to meet somewhere neutral. Maybe a quiet hotel?”
“I’ll give her a call and fix something up.”
With a sigh, Harvey rolled back onto her back, staring up at the ceiling. “This is fucked up.”
Chris snorted, also turning onto his back. “To be honest, I’m surprised this hasn’t happened sooner.”
“So am I. You’ve got to start being careful.”
“I know,” he muttered, a petulant edge to his voice.
“Don’t be that dude. Don’t be the guy who thinks that birth control is on the woman. You were raised better than that.”
“I don’t! I’m not! I just… I hate condoms.” His voice trailed off lamely.
She slowly turned her head to look at him. “What?”
“Harvey –”
“You’ve knocked a girl up. You’re going to be a fucking dad. Put a glove on it before you sire a whole brood. Or worse.”
There was silence for a long, drawn-out minute. “I’m sorry.”
She shrugged. “It doesn’t affect me. But you’re almost twenty-five, Chris. You’re far too young to end up with a lifelong disease but at the same time you need to grow the hell up and take responsibility for your actions.”
“That’s why I love you, Harvey. You’re never afraid to tell me about myself.” He turned to face her, curling his arm around her waist and pulling her close.
“Someone’s got to not be blowing smoke up your ass.” Laughing, she tried to wriggle from his grip but he held her tighter and pulled her closer, covering her face with kisses. “Get off me, you loser!”
He chuckled and let her go. “What time is it anyway?”
She turned to look at the clock. “About half an hour before we have to get up. Did you sleep at all?”
“A little.”
She kicked off the covers and sat up, swinging her legs over the edge of the bed. “You take first shower and I’ll make breakfast.”
Chris grabbed her hand. “Harvey?”
“Mmm?”
“Thank you.”
“I haven’t done anything yet.”
“If anyone can come up with a solution, it’s you.”
Harvey smiled but quickly hid her face. She wished she had his confidence.
Somehow, it was still Friday when Harvey arrived at Chris’s place in LA, if only for a few more minutes. She was tired from a twelve-hour shift and her feet were sore and blistered from, foolishly, trying to break in a new pair of shoes. Fortunately, Chris awaited her arrival with Chinese takeout and a box of beers. After a quick shower and bandaging her poor feet, she joined him on the couch.
“How was your day, dear?”
She scowled at him, reaching for some chopsticks and a box of chicken lo mein. “Shitty. Management decided that we would do room inspections today, which just riles up housekeeping because they think it’s about them rather than the rooms in general.” She sighed heavily. “You don’t want to hear about hotel politics.”
He shrugged, “It’s better than my day.”
“Why, what happened?”
“There was a movie I really wanted but I didn’t get it and another project I was interested in got shelved. Anyway, I don’t want to talk about me. I didn’t even ask how you are the other night.”
“We did have other pressing issues to discuss.”
“Speaking of which, Faye asked if you can meet her at midday instead. Something’s come up.”
“Sure. It’s not as if I have other plans.”
“What are you going to say to her?”
She poked at her noodles. “I really don’t know. I guess I just want to hear her side of the story. I’m not sure if there’s anything I can do to change her mind.”
He sighed, pushing his food away. His blue eyes were big and sad and Harvey felt a definite tug on her heartstrings. As much as she wanted him to learn a valuable lesson from this, he was obviously in a lot of emotional pain and turmoil. “I know I’m being selfish, expecting someone else to take care of this for me. For worrying about what it would do to my career instead of just manning up and taking the baby.”
She put down her food and looked at him. “If I thought for one second that that would work out, I wouldn’t even be here. I know that’s not an option for you. And I don’t think you’re being selfish. You’re being responsible. Even if it is shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted.”
“If an alternative exists, I want to keep the baby out of the spotlight. I don’t want anyone to know it’s mine.”
Harvey frowned. “Even your family?”
He fiddled with a chopstick, balancing it on the tip of a finger before twirling it between his fingers. He always fidgeted when he was uncomfortable. “Yes.”
She sat back with a sigh, her lips pursed. “Chris…”
“I know! It’s a douche move.”
“I don’t get why you won’t at least confide in them. None of your family would betray you to the press.”
“No, they wouldn’t,” he muttered, rubbing his hand over his hair. “But then my aunts and uncles find out, my cousins, they tell people and they tell people and before you know it…”
She was silent for the longest time. No matter how hard she thought about it, which angle she came at it from, adoption seemed to be the only possible solution. A heavy blanket of tiredness settled over her. “I need to sleep. Can I take your car tomorrow?”
“Sure. I’m not going anywhere.”
She got stiffly to her feet, pausing to kiss Chris on the forehead and ruffle his hair. “Don’t sit there brooding all night.”
“I won’t.”
But it was already light when he climbed into bed beside her. She roused as he moved close to her, reaching out to hold her. After that, she couldn’t get back to sleep. She watched the sky lighten outside the huge windows and listened to his quiet snores.
She loved Chris. Not romantically, but deeply, like a brother. They’d been through a lot and kept a lot of secrets for each other. From the day they’d met, he’d taken her under his wing. Her name hadn’t been Harvey back then. Within the first week, upon learning that her parents had moved to Massachusetts to make it easier for her to attend Harvard, Chris and her new friends had christened her with the nickname. Now everyone used it and sometimes she forgot to respond when people used her actual name.
She had liked Chris instantly. He had been sweet and, somewhat, innocent back then, with braces and a 90s boy band haircut. A little shy, a little awkward, but kind and funny. He’d guided her from class to class, made room for her at his table for lunch and, discovering that she lived only a few streets away from him, walked home with her after school. It was the first truly organic friendship she’d ever had.
Her father was an IT specialist at a time when IT was exploding. They moved at least once a year, sometimes more, her dad taking short contracts to overhaul a company’s IT systems and, once done, moving on to the next job. Her mom, an elementary school teacher, could always find work wherever they went. In their quest to give her and her older sister the best life possible, they’d given them the worst childhood. Unsettled and friendless, her sister began acting out. Harvey felt that she, too, would have gone down the same promiscuous, drunken road if it hadn’t been for Chris and their little gang.
Things happened incredibly fast toward the end of high school. Chris spent a summer in New York working for an agent, then suddenly he was graduating early and moving to LA to film a TV show. Meanwhile, Harvey was Harvard bound for a degree in economics, which she had hoped would eventually lead to an MBA from her alma mater. Now, after four years in a hotel management programme, she would be returning to Harvard in the fall.
Carefully, she slid out of bed, not wanting to disturb him. It was almost six am and hazy sunshine lit up the windows. She had lived in LA once for a few months. All she remembered was the constant sunshine and the traffic. Nothing had changed. She went into the kitchen and poured a glass of water, then looked in the fridge but found nothing but eggs, half a jar of pesto and the remnants of the previous night’s takeout. She wrinkled her nose and dug in the cupboard for a half-eaten box of crackers she’d left on her last visit, then went to retrieve her purse.
She had an idea. An idea of an idea. It was a thought that kept popping up at the back of her mind. The only way out she could see. After hunting down Chris’s laptop and powering it up, she curled up on the couch with a notebook. She scribbled page after page of thoughts and questions, then searched online for answers as best she could. Chris would be full of objections and she’d need to have an argument for as many as she could think of before she even thought about discussing it with him.
Chris had arranged for Harvey to meet Faye at a small boutique hotel in Santa Monica. It took her over an hour to get there and she arrived twenty minutes late. The waiter showed her to a table where a pretty brunette sat, sipping on a glass of iced water. She was almost indistinguishable from any one of his girlfriends.
“Hi, I’m Harvey,” she said as she shook Faye’s hand. “I’m so sorry I’m late, the traffic was a nightmare.”
“It’s okay,” Faye assured her in with a faint Texan accent, “I figured you were held up.”
Harvey ordered a soda and sat down, looking at the woman across the table. “Thank you for seeing me.”
She shrugged. “I don’t know if there’s a purpose but Chris seems to be struggling with my decision. I figured you might help explain it to him.”
“Why don’t you explain it to me?”
Faye looked down at the table and fiddled with her cutlery. “I don’t want the baby. I won’t have an abortion, but I can’t keep it and look after it. My family would disown me. They’re strict conservative Christians and if I had a baby outside of marriage, they’d never speak to me again. And regardless of that, I have school. I want to be a medical researcher. I don’t want or need a kid to complicate things and make my life difficult.”
Harvey frowned. She hadn’t expected her to be so brutally honest. “How are you going to hide a pregnancy from them?”
“I’m telling them I’m going travelling. I’ll stay with a friend in Bakersfield until after the birth.”
“Feel free to tell me to mind my own business, but how did this happen?”
Faye ran her fingers through her long dark hair, flipping it over her shoulder. “I take birth control, if that’s what you mean. I was just recovering from an infection and I’d been on antibiotics. My doctor said, afterwards, that might have stopped the pill from being effective long enough for me to ovulate. I’m not irresponsible.”
Harvey held her hands up in a placating gesture. “I’m not here to judge you. I need to understand.”
“Who are you? I mean, to Chris?”
“We’re friends. Good friends. I’ve known him since high school.”
“Does he often pick up girls in bars?”
She smiled a humourless smile. “I don’t think so. I try not to get involved in his private life unless he asks.”
Faye nodded in understanding. “This hasn’t happened before?”
“Never.”
“I think he’s lucky he got me. Other people might want to make trouble for him. I probably want it to go away just as much as he does.”
Harvey took a breath, phrasing the next question carefully. “You said you won’t have an abortion, is that because of your beliefs or…?”
Faye looked at something over Harvey’s shoulder for a second before looking back. “Kind of. I try not to let my parents’ views on life colour my own but I just can’t bring myself to take that option. I almost wish I could, it would be so much easier on everyone involved.”
The waiter returned with Harvey’s soda and asked if they were ready to order. Once he’d gone, she leaned back in her seat. “Does it matter to you who adopts the baby? If, perhaps, someone in Chris’s family were to adopt it, would that be okay?”
Faye shrugged, sipping at her water. “It makes no difference to me. I’m not trying to keep Chris from his child. This is about me. I need to surrender my parental rights and be allowed to move on.”
“I’m not going to insult you by asking if you think you’ll change your mind further down the line.”
“No.” she said emphatically. “I cannot do this. If you held a gun to my head, I wouldn’t be able to do this.”
She believed her. The poor girl hadn’t asked for this. Harvey let out a long, slow breath. “I think I have a solution that will make everyone happy. But I need to run it past Chris first.”
“No, Harvey. No. Absolutely not.”
She took a breath, trying to stay patient. “Chris –”
“Harvey!” He barked, making her jump. “I said no. You are not adopting this baby. It’s a fucking stupid idea.”
“It’s the only solution. Think about how this is going to affect everyone else. Your family. Your mom will be devastated when she finds out you had a kid and you didn’t even tell her. I can’t even get my head around that. I know you want to keep this a secret but you tell your mom everything, she’s going to feel so betrayed. Your dad and your brother and your sisters, too. This is their grandchild, their niece or nephew, you can’t let it be adopted out and take away their chance of a relationship. I feel incredibly shitty about perpetuating your lie but at least this way, when you’re ready, your child will be on your doorstep. They’ll have a relationship with him or her already. I’m not saying it’s not going to be tough but it’s a lot better than the alternative.”
He glared at her, mad that she had invoked his family, his greatest weakness. Harvey knew that she was right. His mom was the neighbourhood mom, all the kids confided in her. A secret of this magnitude kept by her own son would end her. He changed tack. “You’re just about to go back to Harvard for your MBA. How are you going to do both?”
“I won’t be able to do both,” she said quietly. “I’ll put the MBA on hold. I can get in again another time.”
Chris clenched his fists. “No! You’ve been working towards this for years.”
“You’re not prioritising!” she yelled, making him drawback in surprise. “Your child is more important than a piece of paper from Harvard! You need to put this child first. You came to me for help. I am cleaning up your mess, Evans, when what I really should be doing is making you face your own fucking music. You’re not thinking about it properly.”
“No, you’re not thinking about it properly. It’s ridiculous. Why would you throw your life away like that? And for me?”
“I don’t consider it throwing my life away. And please do not labour under the illusion that I am doing this for you. I’ll be doing it for literally everyone but you. My priority is keeping your child close to its family.”
He sighed, visibly softening. He took a step towards her and folded her in his arms. “I’m sorry. It’s the most incredible thought but I can’t ask you to do it.”
“You’re not asking me. I’m offering.” She pulled away from him, pacing up and down in front of the window. “I can take a couple of years and reapply to Harvard. Twenty-five is the minimum age anyway, having another couple of years of experience won’t hurt my chances of getting in again.”
“This is going to hold you back.”
Frustrated, she snapped again. “From what? I’m a hotelier, for fuck’s sake. I don’t think Western civilisation is going to grind to a halt because I’m not running a five-star hotel before I’m thirty.”
He rolled his eyes at her and shook his head. “Have you even thought about how you’re going to explain this to people?”
“Kind of. I was missing a piece but Faye gave me an idea. She’s telling people she’s going travelling but she’s hiding out at a friend’s house. I’ll tell people I’m going to have a baby. It’s not strictly a lie. The programme at work is all but finished anyway. I’ll move here for a few months. I’ll be close to Faye and I’ll be able to go to appointments with her so she’s not alone. While all that’s going on, I can apply for the adoption. Then, when the baby’s born, we’ll come back to Boston.”
Chris sighed, shaking his head, obviously lost for words. Harvey knew that he was thinking about it. Imagining what it would be like to have his child living just a few miles away with his best friend, rather than who knew where with a total stranger. “When would you move here?”
“As soon as possible. Within the next two or three weeks. I’ll tell my parents that I have to do six months at another hotel. Once I’m here I’ll tell them the news.”
“Only you and I will know the truth?”
She nodded. “Everyone will think it’s mine.”
“I don’t know, Harvey. It’s a lot for you to take on.”
“I know you’ll be there whenever you can. People will think you’re just being nice because we’re such good friends and I’m a single mom.”
“Come here.” He pulled her into his arms again, resting his chin on top of her head. “This is crazy, Harvey. I know you’ve made it seem like it makes sense but think about what you’re saying.”
“I’ve thought about nothing else since you told me. Either I adopt the baby or you lose it. It’s up to you.”
“That’s harsh.”
“No, Chris, it’s reality.”
“You can move in here.”
She shook her head and looked up at him. “I can’t. You have friends and family here far too often. I’ll find myself a little apartment somewhere, maybe in Bakersfield where Faye’s staying. Somewhere I’m not going to bump into anyone we know.”
“At least let me pay for it. I’ll pay for everything. And I’ll find you an attorney.”
Relief coursed through her. Finally, he’d come around. “You don’t have to do that.”
“I want to do that. It’s the least I can do. But listen to me, Harvey,” he gripped her by the shoulders, looking directly into her eyes. “If you change your mind, if you decide that you can’t do it, I’ll understand and I will never hold it against you.”
She felt her anger ebbing away at last. She hadn’t had time to come to terms with her decision fully but changing her mind wasn’t an option. Chris needed to come to terms with the enormity of what they were doing, with the lies they would have to tell to every single important person in their lives because she wasn’t going to go through that on her own. “I’m not going to change my mind. But you have to be supportive. This is only going to fly in front of a judge if you’re one hundred percent behind me.”
“I am, I promise. I’ll do whatever you need.”
“Who’s the father?”
Harvey rolled her eyes, tucking the phone under her chin as she stirred the marinara sauce that simmered on the stove. “He’s not in the picture. It doesn’t matter.”
“It doesn’t matter?!” Her mother sounded as if she were about to burst a blood vessel. “What about child support? I suppose you expect me and your father to pick up the bill.”
That was unfair, she’d never relied on them for anything. She took a long, deep breath and counted silently to ten. “It’s not a mess, Mom, and I don’t need your help. I just thought you’d be interested in your first grandchild is all.”
“I expected this from your sister but not you. Is this why you ran off to California, so you wouldn’t have to face everyone? You’re supposed to be going back to Harvard in the fall.”
She dipped a teaspoon into the sauce and tasted it. Perfect. “I can reapply to Harvard later.”
“You’ve never expressed an interest in having a baby…”
Harvey couldn’t deny this. They weren’t really a lovey-dovey family and she hardly ever discussed her personal life with them. “I’ve always wanted children, Ma. This is a happy accident.”
“If you won’t have an abortion, at least consider adoption.” Her mom’s tone was wheedling and Harvey knew it was because she was concerned about what other people would say about her daughter being a single mom, rather than any regard for her. The Cape Cod set would be clutching their pearls at the news.
She almost choked on the slug of red wine she’d just taken from the bottle. “You know what, I will think about adoption. Very seriously.” It felt good to say something that wasn’t a lie. “Is dad around?”
“He’s having dinner at the club tonight. I’ll get him to call you later.”
She sighed. There went her chance to tell him first. “Bye Ma.”
Throwing the phone onto the counter, she turned off the heat under the sauce and glanced at the clock. Chris was coming over for dinner later and she needed to run to the store for a few things before he arrived. They had rented a small apartment, about thirty minutes out of Bakersfield. It was simply furnished but clean and had a balcony large enough for her to sit out and drink her coffee in the morning with the California sunshine on her face. Chris had also leased a car for her to make it easier to get around, for which she was grateful.
It had been a difficult few months. Chris had found a great adoption attorney, without whom she doubted it would be happening. Because she would be taking the baby to Massachusetts soon after the birth, they had to involve the authorities there and the laws were different than in California. Faye had agreed to have pre-adoption counselling. It wasn't a prerequisite but it showed the Massachusetts judge that she’d carefully considered all of her options. Meanwhile, Harvey had been going to parenting classes which, more than anything, had been incredibly helpful.
Even Chris seemed suddenly mature and capable. He was preparing everything back home and barely a day went by when she didn’t get an email or a text message, asking what brand of stroller she wanted or whether the baby would need a wet wipe warmer. She had written him a list of essentials but she knew she’d return home to find her spare room decorated with a Disney mural and crammed with plushies and every bit of baby paraphernalia he could lay his hands on.
Back at her apartment complex, she found a black Lexus parked in the space beside hers. She grinned as she climbed out. “Perfect timing.”
“For once in my life.” Chris walked around his car and kissed her cheek. “How are you?”
“I’m good.” She took a breath. “I just spoke to my mom.”
“You told her? How did she take it?”
“Like I thought she would.” Harvey opened the trunk and let Chris gather the beer and wine while she took the lighter bags and balanced a cake box in one hand. “Like a personal affront to her reputation. The shame of an unmarried single mom providing her first grandchild.”
“I’m sorry.”
Harvey shrugged, slamming the trunk shut and leading him up the stairs to her second-floor apartment. “Not your fault.”
Chris laughed quietly. “Finally, something that isn’t my fault.”
“Enjoy it while it lasts.”
“How’s Faye?”
“Good. She’s getting big. The sonogram is this week, have you thought any more about whether or not you want to know what gender it is?”
“I don’t know. I kinda want to be surprised but knowing would make shopping so much easier.”
Harvey stopped halfway up the stairs and turned to look at him. “Stop shopping, Chris. We just need bottles, diapers and a few sleepsuits.”
He rubbed the back of his neck, his cheeks turning pink. “It’s a bit late for that.”
She sighed, continuing on up the stairs. “I thought so.”
“It’s just everything looks so cute and I want to make sure you have everything you need.”
“I know, but we really won’t need a lot.” She struggled to get her keys from her pocket and he took the cake box from her hands. “And you don’t want people to start gossiping about why Chris is buying a load of stuff for Harvey’s apparently fatherless baby.”
He rolled his eyes, following her into the apartment. “Because we’re best friends.”
She dumped her bags on the kitchen counter and started to unpack, putting the salad into the refrigerator. “The sole reason we are doing this is because you don’t want people to know it’s your baby.”
“I know.”
“Then stop acting like it is.”
“Harvs,” he caught her by the wrist, halting her journey between the refrigerator and the shopping. “I don’t want you to have to worry about a thing, and I’m going to be there to help you as much as I can. If that means people talk then let them. I refuse to come and go in the night.”
“I suppose at first it won’t matter so much. Everyone is going to be so surprised when I come back with a baby that they’re not going to notice who’s coming and going. And I guess we’ll deal with it later when it happens.”
Chris smiled and tweaked her nose, laughing at her outraged expression. He dug in the bags and helped her put a few things away, making room in the refrigerator for his beers and automatically putting her wine in the freezer. “I don’t think I want to know if it’s a boy or a girl. I think I want the surprise.”
“Okay.”
“Are you going to find out?”
Harvey paused from packing pasta into the cupboard. She really hadn’t thought about it from her own perspective. “I guess I’ll wait, too.”
“You don’t have to.”
“I know. But if I were pregnant, I don’t think I’d want to know.”
He was quiet for a moment, then, “Is this weird for you?”
“Uh…” she faltered, her brain suddenly swamped with a hundred things that, yes, were weird for her. “A little. It’s certainly something I never saw myself being involved in. And I’ve never really considered adoption when I’ve thought about having my own family.”
Chris opened up two beers and handed her one. “I was lying in bed thinking about it the other day. You’re going to be my kid’s mom. I never imagined that happening.”
“Me neither.” Harvey sipped at the beer, trying to force her thoughts back into some kind of order. She’d tried not to think too far into the future but what would happen when she met someone, someone she maybe wanted to settle down with? What would she tell him about the child she already had? About why she did what she did?
“I’ve upset you, haven’t I? I’m sorry.”
“No, you haven’t. I…there’s a lot I haven’t thought about.”
“Harvey, if you’re having second thoughts—”
“No, I’m not and I won’t, I keep telling you this. There are things I’m not letting myself think about.”
“Such as?”
She looked down at her beer bottle, rubbing her thumb over the rim. “Five, ten, twenty years from now. How this will still be impacting our lives. They’re not negative thoughts, just overwhelming. You know I hate uncertainty.”
“And change, and spontaneity, and olives.”
She laughed. “Especially olives.”
“It’s okay to not have a plan. I know how much you hate not to.”
“Chris… do you think I’m going to be a good mom?”
His expression softened and he wrapped her in his arms. “You’re going to be the best.”
“You’re not just saying that?” she asked, her voice muffled by the flannel of his shirt.
She felt his laugh reverberate through his chest. “No. I’ve always thought you’d be a good mom.”
“I’m scared.”
“I know, honey.” He stroked her hair down her back with one hand. “It’s okay to be scared. I’m scared, too.”
Harvey sighed heavily and pulled away. She suddenly felt empty and, to distract herself, she began gathering the ingredients for dinner. Chris cleared a space on the counter for him to sit on and the conversation changed to more neutral matters; who was dating who, his latest exploits with Kayla, a new project he was hoping to line up. She listened to him as she prepared dinner, slowly realising that she felt more relaxed than she had in weeks.
Once they were a couple of beers down and the chicken parmesan was finishing off in the oven while the pasta cooked, Chris went to use the bathroom while Harvey made herself comfortable on the couch. He returned with a huge grin on his face. “You left a not-so-little something on the counter in the bathroom.”
She looked at him blankly for a moment before realising what he meant, then grimaced. “Damn, sorry. I forgot to put it away.”
He shrugged, going to the kitchen for another beer before settling in the armchair, feet up on the coffee table. “It’s not as if I haven’t seen one before.”
“Yes, but you haven’t seen mine.”
“And now I have.” He winked, twisting the cap off his beer. “You know, if you’ve got an itch that needs scratching, I can help you with that.”
She looked at him blankly, not sure if she’d understood him. “What?”
“Come on, Harvey. Don’t tell me you haven’t thought about it at least once in the years we’ve known each other.”
Although she’d be lying if she said she hadn’t, she felt more comfortable not admitting it to him. Heat rose up her neck. “Have you?!”
“Yeah,” he said easily, as if she’d just asked him if he wanted a beer. “I’ve thought about it a whole bunch of times.”
Harvey opened her mouth but no sound came out. Her throat felt tight as she forced herself to breathe. “We don’t feel that way about each other, Chris.”
“No, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t think about what it would be like to go to bed with you.”
“Moving on,” she said firmly, glaring at him. She held up two DVDs. “Corpse Bride or Fantastic Four?”
He glared back. “Corpse Bride.”
She threw him the case. “You cue it up while I dish up dinner.”
All through dinner Harvey made small talk but all she could think about was what Chris had said. He’d never given any indication that he found her remotely attractive. They’d never even drunk kissed. Of course she was curious about what it would be like to have sex with him, he was an attractive guy and she’d always wondered what it was he had that made women so crazy.
While his love life was a complicated tangle of knots, her own was typically barren, even at the best of times. She worked too hard for long hours to ever meet anyone and when she did meet someone, she never had time to go on dates. Being sequestered in Bakersfield was just another nail in that particular coffin. Although she was adept at seeing to her own needs, she longed for human contact; for skin on skin and the touch of another person. Although the thought of that person being Chris seemed icky at first, her body was definitely telling her it was interested.
Once they’d eaten and cleared the plates away, Chris cut them both a slice of cake and he moved onto the couch beside her. Harvey would usually curl up against him but she sat stiff and frozen at the end of the couch, pushing her cake around her plate. For the first time in her life, she felt uncomfortable beside him.
After a while, even he picked up on the atmosphere. “Harvey, what’s up?”
“Nothing,” she said, far too quickly.
He narrowed his eyes. “Usually by now, you’re lying on me with your hair in my face.”
“It’s too hot.”
“Or,” he continued to look at her through narrowed eyes, “you’re pissed with me because I told you I want to take you to bed.”
She stood up, snatching up his empty plate and going to the kitchen where she scraped her own plate somewhat savagely into the bin. She banged them down on the counter with such ferocity she was surprised they didn’t break in her hands. “I’m not pissed with you.”
“Are you sure? You’re definitely coming across as pissed.”
She pushed her hands through her hair. “I’m not. I just… I never imagined you’d say something like that to me.”
“Did you want me to?” he asked, getting to his feet and taking a few steps toward the kitchen, shoving his hands in the pockets of his jeans.
Damn his shrewdness. “I don’t know. Maybe.” The words surprised her. These were the thoughts she didn’t let herself think. The feelings she pushed down and tried to deny. “I’m so confused right now.”
“It’s just sex, Harvey. It doesn’t have to mean anything, it can just be something fun and, hopefully, mutually fulfilling that we share.”
He advanced a little closer and she took a step back. Her knees felt like Jell-O. “It’ll be awkward and so weird.”
“It won’t be weird.”
“You’re like my brother.”
“But I’m not your brother.”
Something that sounded suspiciously like a whimper escaped her throat and she clapped her hand over her mouth. He was only a few feet away from her now. She took another step back and felt the counter dig into the small of her back. Chris stood in front of her, looking down at her with an expression she’d never seen before and gave her feelings that were definitely unsisterly. “This is crazy.”
“Do you want me to stop?” There was a gleam of triumph in his eye. He knew her too well.
She slowly shook her head. “Someone has to teach you how to put a condom on. I guess it should be me.”
He chuckled softly then bent his head and kissed her. Harvey closed her eyes, trying to quell the internal monologue demanding to know what the hell she was doing, trying to concentrate just on his kiss and how it felt. He was right, it wasn’t weird. It was nice. Good, even. She kissed him back. Encouraged, his arms circled her waist and pulled her against him while she tentatively placed her hands on his shoulders. When they broke apart, he smiled, the fingers of one hand tucking a lock of her hair behind her ear. “Is this okay?”
She smiled weakly, feeling a little breathless. “More than I thought it would be.”
“Well! This isn’t awkward at all.”
Harvey rolled over to look at him. “That’s what someone who found it awkward would say!”
He grinned at her, flashing his teeth. “I’m kidding. Well, I’m not, because it’s not awkward.”
“I had fun,” she said softly. She had found it incredibly easy to relax with him and they’d spent a long time talking about what they liked while they explored this new aspect of their friendship. The end result had definitely been mutually fulfilling.
“Me too. We should do this again.”
“Don’t you need twenty to forty minutes to recover?”
He laughed. “We both have itches we need to scratch.”
“I think any itch you have needs to be checked out by a doctor.”
“I will put you over my knee.”
She bit her lip. “Maybe next time.”
He looked at her for a moment, assessing her seriousness. “Remember you said that.”
A thrill of arousal raced down her spine and she closed her eyes for a second to enjoy its journey. “You want us to be friends with benefits?”
“Why not? It’s another layer to our relationship. I trust you and you know you can trust me. We find each other attractive. And just think how much you’ll save on batteries.”
“You’re hilarious,” she said drily. She felt closer to him than ever and it was easy, in that moment, to think that they were in control, that sex wouldn’t change their perceptions of each other or the parameters of their relationship. “I don’t want to risk our friendship, Chris. You mean far too much to me.”
He draped his arm across her waist and pulled her closer. “I’d never risk our friendship. You’re going to be the mother of my child and I’m going to take care of you always.”
The cab drive from the airport to Harvey’s house took a lot longer than usual. The late afternoon Boston traffic was heavy and slow-moving due in part to the snowfall but also the Christmas Eve exodus of people migrating for the holidays. After six months in the sun, walking out of the airport and feeling the cold wind on her face had been exhilarating. More than anything she wanted to get home where she knew Chris was anxiously awaiting their arrival.
“Wow,” Harvey laughed, looking up at her house. Chris had said he had everything ready for their arrival but she hadn’t realised he’d put up the Christmas lights on her eaves, or decorate the tree that twinkled prettily through the front window. His car wasn’t on the drive though, which was odd. He’d been pacing holes in the floor waiting for them to get home.
She paid the driver and climbed out, first taking her bag from the trunk, then returning to take the car seat. She had sent most of her things on ahead, so all she’d had to bring from California were a few clothes and the things the baby needed. The thought of flying cross country with a newborn had been terrifying for her but it had all gone more smoothly than she could have hoped. Now they were home.
“Chris?” She called, but the house was silent. As she passed the sitting room, she saw he’d put presents under the tree. She went through to the kitchen and put the car seat on the counter, carefully unclipping the harness and taking the baby out of her snowsuit before picking her up.
The kitchen had been fully equipped with all the baby paraphernalia she could possibly need. She was sure the new nursery would be a hundred times worse. She looked around at the electric steriliser and the bottle warmer and smiled to herself. For the last couple of days, she’d been warming bottles in a jug of hot water.
Harvey held the baby, who didn’t yet have a name, to her chest, marvelling at how quickly she’d grown used to the comforting weight in her arms. She’d changed the baby’s diaper and put her in a clean outfit at the airport, all ready to meet her dad. She was stunned he wasn’t there.
She’d just made her way into the sitting room when she heard a car on the drive and headlights lit up the room for a moment. “Here he is,” she whispered. She realised that she was nervous, a dark feeling pressed into her stomach and made her feel a little queasy.
The door opened and Chris almost tripped into the hallway.
“Hey.”
He whirled around to look at her and stopped, his eyes on the tiny bundle in her arms. “You’re back. I’m sorry I wasn’t here, I just realised that I didn’t get wipes and –”
“It’s okay.” Harvey smiled, “Come and meet your daughter.”
“Oh my god,” he gazed down at her. “She’s so beautiful.”
“Yes, she is.” Tears threatened to overwhelm her and she took a deep breath, pushing them down.
She sat on the couch and he sat beside her, his eyes on his daughter as she passed her into his arms. She could see he was utterly entranced as the baby looked up at him with big, blue eyes. “I can’t believe it,” he whispered. “I’ve spent the last few months trying to prepare myself for this moment, but I’m not prepared.”
“I thought the same the first time I saw her.” She realised he was on the verge of tears. Although she knew he would feel no shame crying in front of her, she gave him and his daughter a moment. “She’s due a bottle. Let me go and warm it up for you.”
In the kitchen, she plugged in the warmer and retrieved a bottle of formula milk from the changing bag. While she waited for it to heat, she leaned on the sink, staring out of the window into the dark garden. Moonlight reflected off the snow that lay in an even blanket over her lawn and hid her flowerbeds. Her mind wandered, going over the past few months and thinking of the next few, and the years that would follow.
“Are you okay?” Chris stood in the kitchen door with the baby tucked safely against his chest.
“Fine!” she said automatically, too brightly. “Her bottle should be ready now. Do you want to feed her?”
“Harvey,” he cradled the baby with his left arm and reached out for her with his right. “It’s okay. Everything’s going to be okay now.”
Her eyes brimmed with tears and she knew there would be no holding them back. Chris gathered her against him and let her cry the past few months out. She’d been holding it together for so long and now, finally, the baby had arrived, they were back home in Massachusetts and she could let go of the fear and anxiety she’d been pushing down. He held her, shushing her quietly and kissing the top of her head.
“Come on,” he said after a while. He put the baby back into her arms, picked up the bottle and led them into the sitting room. He sat sideways against the arm of the couch, pulling her down between his legs and then wrapping his arms around them both. “You’re my girls, Harvey. No matter what, I’m always going to keep you both safe.”
“I know.” Sitting there in his arms it was much easier to believe it. All the things she had promised herself she’d discuss with him dimmed and vanished. She looked down at the baby. “Chris, she needs a name. I can’t keep calling her Muffin. She’ll grow up to be a stripper with daddy issues.”
She felt rather than heard him chuckle, his chest pressed against her back. He settled his chin on her shoulder and stroked his daughter’s face with a gentle finger. “Belle.”
“Belle.” Harvey smiled. “That’s perfect.”
After Belle had finished her bottle and spit up on Chris’s top, they went upstairs to visit the nursery. As she’d expected, Chris had outdone himself. A Disney-style woodland mural adorned the walls and, though it was just trees and grass and flowers, she felt that at any moment, Pooh Bear might meander through the wood or Bambi stick his head out from behind a tree. Everything had a woodland theme and, just as she’d expected, plushies of almost every single Disney character she could think of sat on a high shelf that ran all the way around the room.
“Oh, Chris,” she breathed, stepping inside and looking around. “It’s beautiful!”
“I hope I’ve got everything you need.”
“And then some,” she said, eyeing what looked like a breast pump sitting near the changing table. Her heart melted. “Thank you.”
He shrugged. “It’s the least I can do.”
Harvey yawned and checked her watch. “It’s time for her bath. Do you want to do it?”
He nodded. “Just tell me what to do.”
“I’m guessing you bought a baby bath?”
“In the bathroom.”
Harvey showed him how much to fill it and how to test the temperature with his elbow. She watched as he laid Belle on a changing mat and carefully took her clothes and diaper off before dunking her into the bath. She left him to it and went back to the nursery to lay out a sleepsuit and check out the crib. It seemed Chris had thought of everything. The sheets and blankets had been laundered and were tucked into the foot of the crib. There was one fat, fluffy bunny toy propped up in the corner and Harvey smiled fondly.
She sat down in the rocking chair and closed her eyes, listening to Chris’s tentative first conversation with his little girl. It had been worth it. All the stress, all the worry, all the fear. Belle and Chris were together, and that was all that mattered. She closed her eyes for just a moment and when she opened them again, Chris was crouching in front of her, gently shaking her awake.
“She’s asleep,” he whispered, indicating the crib. “Let’s go to your room.”
Harvey stumbled sleepily after him as they crossed the hallway to her room. She curled up on the bed while he turned on the baby monitor that sat on her nightstand. “Can I have a cuddle?”
“You don’t have to ask,” he said, laying down beside her and drawing her into his arms. “Are you okay?”
She nodded. “I will be, now we’re home. I’ve had so much on my mind.”
“I can’t even begin to imagine.” They lay in silence for a while, lost in their own thoughts, and then Chris asked, “Are you still tired?”
“No. I’m really hungry.”
“Good, because I made dinner!”
“You? Don’t you mean Angelo’s made dinner and brought it over?”
“No,” he said witheringly. “I made dinner and brought it over. All we have to do is reheat it.”
“In that case, I’m definitely not sleepy. This I have to see!”
He’d made a passable baked ziti which they warmed up in the oven. Chris prepared a salad while Harvey sterilised and made up Belle’s bottles. After they ate, they watched TV and, while she curled up next to him and leaned on his shoulder, her thoughts were noisy, reminding her that there was a baby upstairs. To all intents and purposes, her baby. Faye was out of the picture and everything was down to her. Potty training, weaning, choosing schools, dentist appointments, music lessons, sports, dance classes, puberty, teens and beyond. It was all her responsibility. Tears, hot and plentiful, splashed from her eyes once more.
“Oh, Harvs, what’s wrong?” Chris asked, moving so he could see her face. “Please talk to me.”
She shook her head, trying to gain control of the hiccupping sobs. “It’s just so overwhelming,” she said eventually. “I’ve signed the papers and she’s my responsibility. I…there’s just so much I don’t know.”
“It’s okay,” he soothed. “We’ll work it out together. I know I won’t always be here but I will always be on the end of a phone. Any time of day or night, you can call me and I will pick up. I swear. No matter what I’m doing, where I am, who I’m with. It’ll be your Evans hotline. And it can be for the most mundane reason, like… I don’t know… you broke a nail. I will listen and I’ll help you find a solution. In this case, a manicurist.” She laughed a little and he smiled. “I…I don’t know how to thank you for what you’ve done. I know it’s big and it’s scary but I promise, I’ve got you both. You’re my queen, Harvs. Nobody can dethrone you.”
She laughed properly, reaching over to the coffee table for a tissue to dry her eyes. “You’re such a dork, Chris.”
“Yes, but I’m your dork.”
She rolled her eyes but the tears had stopped. “Aren’t you scared?”
“Terrified. But I wouldn’t want to do this with anyone but you. I trust you. I know you’re going to be an amazing mom.”
Harvey rested her head on his shoulder once again. “Promise me you won’t go off to LA and forget about her.”
“How can I forget about her? I’ve thought about nothing and nobody else for the past nine months. I’ll do the best I can for her.”
“From the shadows.”
“For now,” he insisted. “I couldn’t believe it when I saw her. She’s so tiny and beautiful and I can’t believe I had anything to do with creating such a perfect creature. As soon as she opened her eyes and looked at me, she stole my heart.”
“First your heart, and then your wallet.” They laughed together and Harvey relaxed. It would be okay. None of her fears would come to fruition. She wouldn’t let them.
“We’ve only got a few hours until word gets out that you’re back and the neighbourhood comes knocking.”
Harvey puffed out her cheeks and let out a fast breath. “My parents…”
They both grimaced. “Have you got your story ready?”
“Yeah. I’ve rehearsed it until I can recite it backwards.”
Chris took her hand in his, raising her knuckles to his lips. “I love you.”
She smiled, the familiar warm feeling settling over her like a blanket draped over her shoulders. “I love you, too.”
They prepared to go up to bed, Harvey locking up while Chris put the leftovers away and loaded the dishwasher. Both of them looked in on Belle before they went to bed.
“Will she wake up in the night?” Chris asked.
“She might. She doesn’t always but with the travelling and the time difference, it’s probably thrown her out.”
“What do I do if she wakes up?”
“Give her a bottle, change her diaper and try to put her back down.”
“Okay. I can do that.”
“Put a towel over your shoulder so that if she spits up it doesn’t get on you.”
“I bought these square things?”
“Muslin squares?”
“Yes!”
“You can use those, that’s what they’re for.” Harvey’s voice was thick with sleep and she pulled off her clothes, not caring that he was standing a few feet away. “Are you sure you don’t mind getting up?”
“Positive,” he said wryly, watching her climb into bed. “You just put your t-shirt on inside out and backwards”
Harvey was asleep before her head even hit the pillow. She dreamed that was trying to tell a teenage Belle to do her chores but she would say, “You’re not my mom” over and over. She woke in a cold sweat to find Chris’s side of the bed empty. It was still dark and she groped on the nightstand for her phone. It was only three o’clock. She fell back on the pillows, wiping sweat from her forehead and trying to catch her breath.
“Come on, little one,” Chris’s voice drifted out of the monitor, making her jump. “Finish your bottle so we can all go back to bed.” Harvey grinned in the darkness. “I’m going to tell you a secret but you have to promise me that you’ll forget I ever told you. Deal? Okay. Well, I’m your dad. I know it’s a big shock because I haven’t been around but things are complicated. Harvey, your mom, she saved us both. She’s going to do an amazing job of bringing you up and I’m going to help you both as much as I can but I can’t tell you that I’m your dad again. Not for a while anyway. I’m going to be your fun Uncle Chris and I’m going to look after you so your mom can have breaks, and let you eat loads of junk food, and take you on vacation to Disney. I need you to know how much I love you and how much I wish…”
His voice trailed off and Harvey turned her face into the pillow to muffle her sobs. What had they done? How did either of them think that this was ever going to work out? She wished she’d listened when he told her it was crazy.
She was still awake when Chris slid back into bed. She kept her eyes closed and her breathing even, not wanting him to know she’d been crying again. She stayed awake for the rest of the night, watching the cold light of dawn crawl through the crack in the curtains, heralding the first day of the rest of her life.