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Living in Florence was all he could ask for. The monks were quiet neighbours and the views from his window were beautiful. They had all the peace you could ask for to plan a heist, the biggest one the world was going to see. And living every single day next to the love of his life was almost like a gift. Almost, because he would never dare to tell Andrés how he felt, but it was alright. He didn’t have to. Besides, his friend had already found love and that was all that mattered, right? If he was happy, that was alright for him. Seeing Andrés smile was mesmerizing, and he would never get tired of it. Martín just hopped this time would end different and that woman wouldn’t break his heart, just like the other four times.
They’ve been months now staying in the old place that was now their house and their base to plan the heist, and they spent almost every hour together. And yeah, that hurts. Because it seems like Andrés has no fucking clue about how he feels, and even Sergio was starting to notice. And the problem was that Andrés was oblivious, so he didn’t know how the things he did affected him. Every touch that lingered more than it was supposed to, every time Andrés talked about the plan looking at Martín like he was his whole life.
Which was fucking stupid. Because he wasn’t. He already found the love of his live, for the fifth time, and he was not the lucky one. He would never be. How could he? It was obvious, had been for almost seven years, that the love of his life would never want someone like him. And he was ok with that, as long as he got to be near him. To keep looking at him every day, to have those little moments with the man.
He made his peace and was fine with that, he even got used to Tatiana. The lovely, beautiful, sweet Tatiana. God, how he wished that was him. But she made Andrés really happy, she’s been good with him. Or at least, that is what he thought, until the day his friend came like a hurricane, ready to obliterate anything or anyone that dared to stay in his way.
“Every fucking time! Every! Fucking! Time!” Andrés was yelling so loud the monks would surely worry, and maybe even get mad. But he doubted they would say anything about it, since they were paying them. “Why do they always do the same? I just. Fuck!”
Martín watched as the other man yelled, kicking some of the stuff that was lying around the room where all the heist was being planned. He had no idea what he was so mad about, maybe a fight with his brother? That was not entirely unusual.
“Ok listen, stop it. You are going to break something,” but his voice was not heard. Not when Andrés was in that state. “Would you fucking stop? Andrés.”
His friend stopped yelling for a second to look at him. There was rage in those eyes, but he seemed to calm down when their eyes met. Finally, after kicking a chair, he sat down. It was like watching an angry lion trying to behave. He didn’t know how long it would take for him to start yelling again.
“Now, tell me what happened. Do we need to kill anyone? You know I’m ready,” and he wasn’t even joking about it. It was messed up, but he would do anything for him. And if someone dared to do something to hurt him, he was a dead man.
“Tatiana just left me.”
Or a dead woman. So now he could understand why he was so upset, he’d been there the other times that happened. He just hoped it wouldn’t happen again, but here they were again. The problem with Andrés was that he cared so much. He was egocentric, that was true, and he might think he’s the greatest person in the world. And because of that, he thought everyone would want to be with him. That they would never leave them, because how could them? At least Martín was sure he couldn’t do it. He hadn’t and never would. And even he couldn’t understand how they could do something like that. He would give so, so much to be in their places, and they didn’t seem to care at all. Damn it.
“That’s… Shit.” What else could he say? The Argentinian took another chair and sat in front of him, studying him for a minute. His hands were closed in fists and his legs trembled. He just wanted to scream and destroy stuff, he could tell. “That’s her lost, you know that, right? She didn’t deserve you.”
The other man huffed and snickered, he was not buying that. He finally looked at Martín, and this time there was a fire behind those eyes. So much hurt and anger, it was hard to keep looking at him.
“Yeah, like all the others, right? I got married five times. Five. Fucking. Times. And look how it all ended. I believed they loved me like an idiot and I just…” There was a dry laugh, like he was about to break. “Look, I can’t do it again. I’m not going to be the stupid man that believes in love, I’m not that idiot. Because you know what? Love doesn’t exist. They all leave in the end.”
I wouldn’t. I won’t.
But he didn’t dare to say those things aloud. Because if he was sure of something, it was that his friend was just that. A friend. He didn’t want something else.
“So I’m an egocentric son of a bitch. And that’s what I’m gonna be. No more caring. For anyone!” Andrés got up again, throwing the chair again, and it was only pure luck that it didn’t hit the window.
“Andrés, for fucks sake, would you stop mopping around? You are being a baby!” He couldn’t stand that self-loathing anymore. Because he was the best person he’d ever known. And he didn’t deserve any of this. “They don’t know shit about you, so shut it.”
“Oh, and you do?” His words were like poison directed just at him. He knew he was just mad and was saying shit, but it still hurt. “Because they loved me. We were in love,” he got now closer to the other man, looking at him right in the eye. “You don’t know how that works. That kind of connection. You never had it, so you have no idea what you are talking about.”
“Now you are just being an asshole.”
“Oh, am I? You just fuck people and leave them the next morning. What was it that thing you said? Bum bum ciao, right? That’s not love. You don’t know what is like, making love with someone that really wants you.”
They just stared, maybe waiting to see who was going to be the first to punch the other. And Martín had all the chances to be the one to do it. He must know what he is doing, right? He can’t be that oblivious. Every person with two eyes can see how he looks at him all the time. He must know, even if he also knows that it’s never going to happen. So is he just saying stuff to hurt him? Or does he really have no idea?
“You know, not everyone can find the love of their lives and be loved back. Some of us just have to keep going.”
“If you’d try, I’m sure you’d find someone.”
“Already did, just have bad luck.” Martín had to look away for a second, because he was a fucking idiot. He doesn’t love you. He never will. So please, just spare yourself and walk away now. “Anyways, you’ll be fine. You always are.”
He couldn’t take it anymore, he had to get out of here. Or he could regret saying something else. Without looking back at him, he started to walk towards the exit, feeling stupid. Because he was right, he wasn’t capable of loving anyone he slept with. They were just nameless faces he used, because he couldn’t have the man he really loved. He was that pathetic.
A hand around his arm stopped him and made him turn around, facing again his friend. This time his face was softer, most of the anger going away. They stared for seconds, minutes, maybe hours. He couldn’t tell, and he wasn’t sure what was going on, but he knew he couldn’t look away.
“I’m sorry. I’m a total ass,” at least he had the decency to say so. “I didn’t know you… You found someone.”
“Yeah, he’s a piece of art. Shame he doesn’t want me back.” Martín laughed like it was a nice joke, a joke that broke the pieces that were left from his heart.
“Oh.” Just that sound, a knowing one. Like he finally, finally understood. Like he could see everything he needed right in Martín’s eyes, all the secrets he’d been hiding. Not daring to say a single thing about them.
“Stupid. That's what this is. Anyways,” the smile on his face was a fake one, anyone could notice, but it was there anyways. Like a shield protecting the last of his dignity. “You’ll get better. Trust me. Eventually it will stop hurting,” that much, he wanted to add.
The silence between them was dense, full of meaning, of unsaid words. They were both cowards and they wouldn’t dare say things aloud and right to their faces.
“You would never leave me. I know that.”
This time his smile was sad. Of course he wouldn’t. He’d be loyal as a dog, following around for all his crazy plans. And they both knew that, because love makes you do stupid things.
“Never. You are my friend.” And I love you so much it breaks my heart to be near you.
Andrés looked like he wanted to say something else, but he remained silence. Maybe this was not the time.
Maybe it will never be.
And the best thing for them was to be friends, and nothing else. And he was fine with that.
He would still love him until his dying day, even if that killed him.