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Kotoko shivers, wrapping her scarf tighter around her neck. Her back aches and sciatic nerve pain shoots down her legs with every step, but she keeps going. Despite hating cold weather and being heavily pregnant, she will not miss the 10th Annual Hope’s Peak Academy student reunion. She goes every year. It’s practically a habit by now.
Although, she isn’t sure why she always comes. Kotoko didn’t hate high school, but it wasn’t exactly the best time of her life.
To be honest, she probably just goes as an excuse to meet up with her friends. She, Nagisa, Monaca, Jataro and Masaru have been best friends since grade school, and always stick together. But when they live on opposite sides of the prefecture and are constantly busy with work, they don’t get to meet up too often. Except at crappy events like this.
So, despite feeling like shit, Kotoko hurries through the front gates of her old school, and enters the blissful warmth. She could navigate this place with her eyes closed, so Kotoko finds the gymnasium in no time – and then jumps out of her skin.
“Kotoko!” Masaru yells, hurtling over and pulling her into a surprisingly careful hug. “Oh, sorry.”
“No, it’s fine,” Kotoko says, well used to Masaru’s lack of volume control. She rests her hand on her bump, trying to calm her heart rate. “Hi, Masaru.”
Masaru stares at Kotoko’s bump, her eyes widening. “Whoa, you’re really far along! How long until the big day?”
“Less than a month. How about you?” she says, remembering Masaru’s outburst on Facebook last month about her pregnancy, complete with photographs of an ultrasound of her womb.
“It was the three month scan, so… six months?” Masaru says, not quite certain for a second.
“Hmm, seems someone is still just as bad as math as always,” comes a voice from behind them.
Kotoko turns around, and spots a shock of blue hair. Nagisa stands with her hands on her hips, eyebrows raised. The cold, damp air has made her hair frizzy, but what really stands out is her bump, now straining against maternity pants.
“Nagisa!” she says, grinning, and she gives Nagisa a careful hug. “How’re you doing?”
“Oh, I’m fine,” Nagisa says. “I don’t like wearing these pants, but I had no choice.”
“Yeah, at sixth months into a pregnancy, I think most woman need them,” Masaru says, resting a hand on her still-pretty-flat stomach.
Nagisa grumbles, but smiles. “So, how have things been for you two?”
Kotoko shrugs her shoulders, grimacing at a twinge of pain in her back. “Shit…”
“Are you okay?” Masaru asks.
“Just… back pain.”
“Another undesirable aspect of pregnancy,” Nagisa mutters.
Masaru puts a hand on her back, gesturing to a table with another. “Hey, wanna sit down?”
“Please,” Kotoko says.
With Masaru leading the way, the three friends sit around an empty table, and Kotoko slumps in her seat, trying to get comfortable.
“Oh, look who it is,” Nagisa says, glancing over at the gym doors.
Kotoko looks where Nagisa stares, and grins. Monaca wheels herself through the double doors, Jataro following just behind. Both look windswept and freezing cold, but smile when they spot the others.
Monaca speeds up, swerving around their old classmates (many of whom don’t even attempt to let her through) before skidding to a stop at the table. A noticeable bump sits behind her loose blouse, and Monaca rests a protective hand across her abdomen.
“Hello, meow!” Monaca says, grinning and waggling her fingers on her free hand. “I ran into Jataro in the parking lot. I thought we should arrive together. How is everyone?”
Jataro arrives at the table, hands tucked into her armpits in an attempt to warm them up. Even pulled back into short bunches, Jataro’s hair is messy from the wind, her cheeks bright red. She gives them all one of her trademark awkward smiles, slipping into a free seat. “Hi.”
As the five women exchange hugs, Kotoko notices that Jataro, like Masaru, could easily pass for not-pregnant if she hadn’t told the news – and she notices something about Nagisa too. her friend has always been… withdrawn and stoic, but something seems to be eating away at Nagisa, her face pale and her premature frown lines etched deeper than ever into her skin.
“Nagisa?” she asks, not sure how to say it. “Are you okay?”
Nagisa sighs, staring down at her bump. She cradles it carefully, biting on her bottom lip.
“Nagisa?” Monaca asks.
“Wait, do you actually wanna be pregnant?” Masaru blurts out, making them all flinch.
“Why would you ask that?” Jataro mumbles.
Nagisa’s shoulders stiffen, her breathing hitching. Kotoko has known her friends long enough to know all about them, to know that she isn’t the only fucked up one here. All five women were abused as children, getting left with PTSD and severe self-esteem issues. And when Nagisa freezes up like this, it either means she’s about to have a panic attack or start crying.
“Nagisa?” she says, anxiety fluttering in her chest. “What’s wrong?”
“You can tell us,” Jataro says.
Another sigh, a heavy, agonised sound. “I…” Nagisa looks up, panic sparkling in her eyes. “Guys… I want to be a good mother, but… what if the cycle continues?”
Kotoko shares a glance with Monaca, frowning. “What do you mean?”
“The cycle of abuse,” Monaca says, hands shaking. “It’s used to talk about when parents abuse their children, the kids might grow up to abuse their own kids. Nagisa… is that it?”
Nagisa nods, tears shining in her eyes.
“Oh, Nagisa…” Masaru says, hugging her.
“But… she’s right,” Jataro mumbles, pulling her sleeves down over her hands in a very, very old action of worry. “I… my mother… what if I end up like her?”
Now Nagisa has raised it, the same thoughts attack all five of them. Kotoko trembles, wanting to cry but fighting back the tears. Nagisa is right; lots of abusers were abused themselves. What if they are like that? What if they continue the cycle?
Masaru gasps, flinching like something just stabbed her through the chest. “What if we fuck up our own kids?”
Kotoko tenses up, memories trying to invade her mind (gentle gentle gent—) but forcing them back. She already had a panic attack yesterday, and another would just make everything worse. But… these doubts hit her when the test first read Positive.
“No, we won’t,” Monaca says.
“H-Huh?” Nagisa mumbles, looking up with teary eyes.
Monaca looks at the four of them, forcing a smile onto her face. “We won’t. Our parents were bad people, but… we’re not like them. And… if things get hard, we’ve got each other’s backs, right?”
Kotoko stares at Monaca. “Just like our Monaca,” she says, smiling weakly. “You always were the best at keeping us all together.”
“Monaca’s right,” Masaru says, rubbing her eyes before her tears can spill over. “We’ve got each other. we’re gonna be the ones to break the fucking cycle and be awesome moms!”
Jataro smiles weakly. “That… sounds wonderful.”
“So, Nagisa, are you still worried?” Kotoko asks.
“Of course I am,” Nagisa says. “I’m terrified. But…” Her cheeks flush. “But that helped. A lot. Thank you.”
As Monaca grins and hugs Nagisa, Kotoko stares at her four best friends. Yeah, being a parent is hard, especially when you have no idea what a real parent is supposed to act like, but they all have each other. They’re not alone.
They can do this.