Work Text:
CALIBORN: AM I DOING THIS RIGHT? HOW DO I KNOW IT’S ON.
DIRK: It’s recording, dude. The red light means it’s recording.
CALIBORN: WHAT? HOW CAN I…
CALIBORN: OH. FUCK.
CALIBORN: *AHEM*. HELLO EVERYONE. uNDYINGuMBRAGE HERE. I’M SORRY FOR BEING SO LATE WITH THIS VIDEO. BUT LIFE HAS BEEN. PRETTY BUSY FOR ME.
CALIBORN: ANYWAY. WE’VE FINALLY REACHED. 11 SUBSCRIBERS. THIS IS ABSOLUTELY *SUGOI*. NOW AS I PROMISED I WAS GOING TO MAKE A Q&A. THIS IS FOR YOU, MY UNDERLINGS. SO HERE WE GO.
CALIBORN: TODAY I HAVE. A VERY SPECIAL GUEST. MY HUSBAND AND ARCH NEMESIS…
CALIBORN: DIRK. GET YOUR HANDSOME ASS OVER HERE.
DIRK: I’m here, I’m here. No need to have a fuckin’ conniption.
CALIBORN: I STARTED READING THROUGH YOUR QUESTIONS. AND I FOUND THEM TO BE RANGING FROM MILDLY DISTASTEFUL. TO OUTRIGHT OBSCENE. TRULY THE FILTH WROUGHT UPON MY INBOX. IS A SIGHT TO BEHOLD. I BELIEVE IT WILL TAKE ALL MY WILLPOWER. TO SORT THROUGH THESE “QUESTIONS” WITH MY REGURGITATION GLANDS INTACT.
CALIBORN: SO IF I DON’T ANSWER ONE. IT’S PROBABLY BECAUSE IT WAS TOO HORRIBLE TO THINK ABOUT. OR BECAUSE I DIDN’T FUCKING FEEL LIKE ANSWERING. ANYWAYS. HERE WE GO.
DIRK: What a great first question. Is it, Cal? Is my bussy boppin’.
CALIBORN: I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT I AM BEING ASKED. YET I FEEL A DEEP SENSE OF DISCOMFORT.
DIRK: Stick a pin in this one, we’ll come back to it.
CALIBORN: AH YES. YOU ARE COVETING. OUR “BLING”. YOU SEE. NO HUSBAND OF MINE. IS GOING TO WEAR TACTICALLY DISADVANTAGEOUS METAL DEATH TRAPS ON HIS FINGERS. THAT SHIT IS FOR GIRLS. THAT HAVE NO REGARD. FOR THE PERILS OF BATTLE. FOR ANY LOOSE JEWELRY. CAN AND WILL BE USED AGAINST YOU. IN THE HEAT OF WAR.
DIRK: Yeah, they’re not metal. They’re actually silicone. I was pretty impressed with Cal’s foresight on this one. They’re nice, and they don’t fuck up our weapon handling, which is important for a couple of active dudes like ourselves. Practical, comfortable, yet still sends the message to my beguiled suitors that I’m taken.
DIRK: Nope. Neither of us changed our names. If Cal has a last name, I don’t know it. I was barely able to get his first name out of him.
CALIBORN: I NEED ONLY ONE NAME. TO STRIKE FEAR INTO THE HEARTS OF ALL WHO HEAR IT.
DIRK: Yeah. He’s like Cher or Rihanna. He doesn’t need a last name.
CALIBORN: THIS IS TRUE.
CALIBORN: ALTHOUGH. “CALIBORN STRIDER”. DOESN’T SOUND *AWFUL*...
DIRK: ...
CALIBORN: ???????????
CALIBORN: DON’T COMPARE OUR MARRIAGE TO THE PESTILENCE OF TROLL RELATIONSHIPS. WE ARE HUMAN WEDDED.
DIRK: Yeah… No, we’re just regular human married. That’s really all there is to say on the matter.
DIRK: J...
DIRK: A pony.
CALIBORN: I ALREADY HAVE. THE BESTEST. MOST WELL-TRAINED PET. A GUY COULD ASK FOR.
DIRK: Ha.
DIRK: That ain’t a question.
DIRK: I, uh. I gotta make a phone call.
DIRK: Yeah. No, yeah. They’re asking about- Uh huh. So we shouldn’t- No I get that. Right.
DIRK: We aren’t at liberty to answer this one. Moving on.
CALIBORN: HEY. LISTEN TO ME. YOU DECREPIT FUCKHEAD. BELIEVE IT OR NOT. THERE ARE TIMES WHEN EVEN AN ARTISTIC VIRTUOSO LIKE MYSELF. IS BESOTTED BY THE SIREN'S SONG OF THE DEPRESSIONS. TIMES LIKE. WHEN AN UNRULY TEEN BEATS ME UP. AND TELLS ME MY WORK IS NO GOOD.
CALIBORN: I REMIND MYSELF. THAT EVERY GREAT ARTISTIC GENIUS GETS BEATEN UP BY A TEEN AT LEAST ONCE IN HIS LIFE. IT IS A SORT OF RIGHT OF PASSAGE. DO NOT LET THE HATERS. AND THE BULLSHIT BULLY TROLLS. GET YOU DOWN.
CALIBORN: AND REMEMBER. TO NEVER STOP MAKING ART. EVERY TIME YOU DRAW IS FORWARD MOVEMENT. EVEN THE PICTURES. THAT MEAN TEENS DON’T LIKE. YOU CANNOT GO BACKWARDS. ON PROGRESS. ART IS WORK. IMPROVEMENT IS WORK. THE IMPORTANT THING. IS TO NEVER GIVE UP. THE DAYS WE FEEL BAD. ARE THE DAYS OUR EFFORT MATTERS. THE MOST.
CALIBORN: AND ALSO REMEMBER. HOW IF YOU WORK HARD TODAY. EVENTUALLY YOU WILL BECOME. AN OMNISCIENT AND ALL POWERFUL TIME TRAVELLING GOD. THAT ALL OF CAUSALITY WILL BEND TO. AND YOU WILL FEEL. A LITTLE BETTER.
CALIBORN: I DO NOT LIKE THE FIRST ONE. I AM ASSUMING THE uu IS MY HANDLE? THAT’S STUPID. I HAVE A NAME. I MEAN. MY “SISTER” HAD THE SAME HANDLE INITIALS AS ME, HOW DO WE KNOW THE uu DOESN’T STAND FOR HER??? I DON’T LIKE. THE AMBIGUITY.
CALIBORN: THE SECOND ONE IS SLIGHTLY BETTER. BUT ALSO. WHY DOES DIRK GET TO GO FIRST.
DIRK: You know why.
CALIBORN: NOBODY ASKED YOU. DIPSHIT.
CALIBORN: HERE IS MY SUGGESTION. I FEEL IT IS SYMBOLICALLY APPROPRIATE. OF OUR RELATIONSHIP. AND DOES NOT REQUIRE. BUTCHERING MY GLORIOUS NAME.
CALIBORN: FROM NOW ON YOU WILL REFER TO US AS CALI(DIRK)BORN.
DIRK: Well that’s vaguely threatening. And also not a fuckin’ question.
CALIBORN: WHO CARES.
DIRK: It's the only thing he knows how to cook.
CALIBORN: WELL I *WAS* GOING TO USE THIS TIME. TO DO AN IN DEPTH CLOSET TOUR. TO ANSWER THE QUESTIONS ABOUT MY IMPECCABLE FASHION. THAT WERE NICE. AND NOT MEAN. BUT INSTEAD I AM DEDICATING THIS VIDEO TO ALL YOU STUPID FUCKING TROLLS. AND HATERS ONLINE. SAYING MEAN AND HURTFUL THINGS ABOUT FEDORAS. WELL GUESS WHAT. THEY RULE HARDER THAN YOU. DIPSHITS. YOU DON’T FUCKING KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS HAT. IDIOTS. QUITE FRANKLY I JUST THINK YOU’RE JEALOUS ASS HATERS. CAUSE YOU COULDN’T EVEN PULL OFF THIS LOOK. YOU COULDN’T EVEN WEAR A FEDORA IF YOUR LIFE DEPENDED ON IT. BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT. IT’S CLASS. AND CLASS IS FOR MEN AND SWAG IS FOR BOYS. BUT YOU WOULDN’T KNOW SHIT ABOUT THAT. FUCKING HATERS. THIS HAT IS FOR WHAT COOL PEOPLE WEAR. AND YOU CAN’T FIGURE IT OUT. YOU SIT THERE ONLINE ON YOUR FUCKING WEBSITES. AND YOU SAY BULLSHIT ABOUT IT. BUT GUESS WHAT. IT’S JUST A HAT. AND YOU’RE NOT EVEN COOL ENOUGH. TO WEAR IT.
CALIBORN: SO NEXT TIME THINK. BEFORE YOU DO TROLLING. I’D IMPLORE YOU. TO DO A LITTLE BIT OF THINKING. IF THAT’S EVEN POSSIBLE FOR YOU. TO THINK BEFORE YOU DO SHIT. HATING ON FEDORAS. THEY’RE JUST A HAT. AND YOU’RE JUST A STUPID SWAG IDIOT. YOU THINK SWAG IS SO COOL. WELL GUESS WHAT. IT’S FOR BOYS. AND CLASS. IS FOR MEN. THIS IS CLASS.
CALIBORN: THAT’S ALL I HAVE TO SAY TO SAY. TO YOU STUPID ASS HATERS AND BULLSHIT BULLY TROLLS. YOU DON’T KNOW SHIT. YOU DON’T KNOW FASHION. YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT. THIS WORLD. GET THE FUCK OFFLINE IF YOU’RE GONNA KEEP SAYING THIS BULLSHIT. KEEP SPOUTING IT OUT OF YOUR STUPID ASS KEYBOARDS. THAT PROBABLY. AREN’T EVEN MECHANICAL.
CALIBORN: LISTEN. LOG OFF, IDIOTS. YOU DON’T KNOW SHIT. YOUR STUPID SWAG. YOU DON’T KNOW SHIT. AND I DARE YOU TO SAY ONE MORE FUCKING JOKE. AND I’LL SLIT YOUR THROAT NECK.
CALIBORN: ANYWAY. THAT’S IT, HATERS. SEE YOU LATER. FUCKING IDIOTS.
DIRK: You know what? I have no fucking clue. Maybe we should test it out.
CALIBORN: !!!!!!!!!!!
DIRK: I can confirm cherub kisses are a bit like kissing an animorph caught halfway between human and lizard, plus some radically sharp dentition.
DIRK: Cal ran off to recover, I figure he won’t mind if I answer a few of these on my own.
DIRK: I wasn’t weaned properly as a child.
DIRK: If Cal were here and not having a panic attack in the bathroom, he would definitely say “GAY RIGHTS." He also wouldn't have a fucking clue what it meant.
DIRK: Finally, someone has the balls to ask the hard-hitting questions. Will we sex? Will we? The people want to know.
DIRK: Unfortunately, I don’t have a solid answer to any of these. All I know is cherub banging involves giant snakes and somebody dying.
DIRK: Our current relationship is lamentably celibate, Cal’s a bit of a prudish Mrs. Grundy when it comes to stuff like this.
DIRK: Every fuckin’ day of my life.
DIRK: Tax benefits.
CALIBORN: I AM BACK. QUIT SPREADING LIES TO MY AUDIENCE.
DIRK: Just in time. We got a question about pet peeves. What do you hate about me, hubby?
CALIBORN: WELL YOU’RE A FUCKING EXHIBITIONIST FOR ONE.
CALIBORN: I ALSO HATE. WHEN YOU EXPLAIN THINGS TO ME. LIKE I AM A CHILD. YOU LEAVE SWORDS FUCKING. EVERYWHERE.
CALIBORN: ALSO. YOUR LONG ASS SHOWERS. WASTE WATER. YOU ARE KILLING THE FISH DIRK.
CALIBORN: ANYWAYS. YOUR TURN I GUESS.
DIRK: You chew with your mouth open, it’s pretty gross.
CALIBORN: I DON’T HAVE LIPS! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME.
DIRK: Great question. To answer metaphorically, I’m aware I’m in some sort of gilded cage. I can see the perimeters of my enclosure, but the walls seem to prevent my awareness from reaching outside of its edges.
DIRK: To answer more literally, I’m aware that I'm in a f-
CALIBORN: DIRK?
CALIBORN: THIS HAPPENS. EVERY. FUCKING. TIME.
CALIBORN: WHO CARES.
==> CALIBORN: RESTART
CALIBORN: LET’S TRY THIS AGAIN. AND TRY NOT TO BREAK THE FUCKING UNIVERSE THIS TIME. DIRK.