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She still couldn’t believe that her wife is laying fast asleep in their bed.
She had heard the news, read the newspaper and seen condolences tweets on twitter from soldiers’ wives or relatives.
She didn’t want to believe it, she didn’t want to think about any other possibility than that her wife will be in her arms in 7 days, very much alive.
*Flashback*
The order came 2 days ago.
She was sitting finishing the last of her paper work for the day and more than ready to go home and spend a calm weekend with her wife, when her commanding officer knocked on the door.
She stood at attention,
“At ease Sargent” he said in a strong voice that she has become accustomed to along the years they worked together.
She sat back down once he took the chair opposite to her,
“Sir?”
“Tobin, I am really sorry that I am the one to break this news to you, but more troops are needed to be sent there. You and your platoon are the best I have left here. I have no other option than to send you in Sargent.” His face convoyed all the feelings he couldn’t verbalize.
It took Tobin a minute to actually comprehend what he was saying.
She had already finished my 2 tours and was now assigned happily to a desk job and not on active duty anymore. She had a beautiful wife back home and a son on the way.
“There is no way for me out of this sir?” She asked in a thick voice.
“I am afraid not Sargent, no combat ready personnel are left in base except you and your platoon. The orders came from up high. I know how hard this is for you and your wife, but trust me I have pulled every thread possible to get you out of this but this is the final order.”
“When do I leave Sir?” Her tears were about to spill but her voice and face remained stoic
“You leave Friday morning at 0500 from base, you and your platoons orders will be sent to you by 2000 today.” He said then proceeded to stand to leave the office.
She returned home after she informed her platoon and got all the paper work ready to leave.
“I deploy in 2 days, our troops there need all the assistance available” Tobin said in a stoic tone as she cut her last piece of meat in half.
The fork stops midway between the plate and Christens mouth, then she slowly put it back down in her plate without saying a word.
“Honey, I can hear your thoughts loud and clear, your mind will smoke soon if you don’t slow it down a bit” Tobin says as she pulls christen tighter as they lay cuddled in bed.
Her wife didn’t answer but Tobin could feel her body relaxing just a bit in her embrace, which is the most she could actually ask for considering the circumstances.
“You come back to me in one piece or I swear to God I will hate you for the rest of my life, you hear me heath?” She said that with her voice full of tears.
“I know that God will do what is best for our lives no matter what, even if we don’t see that right now. I will do my best to come back to you and our child my love. You know how much I wanted this family, so I will fight till my last breath for you.” I said looking into her eyes, mustering all the courage I have left inside me.
*End of Flashback*
So, when the door rang a couple of days later, she prepared for the worst. She prepared herself to hear those words and meet those officers.
But the miracle had happened.
Tobin was standing there on the other side of the door holding her bag on her back with a single red rose in her hand and a soft smile on her tired face.
She clung to her for dear life for what felt like hours until she heard her wife’s chuckle vibrating against her chest.
“I love you so much Christen, I love you so much” Tobin said in a voice full of adoration.
“I love you way more my brave soldier, I love you too much it hurts my dear.” Christen said with her voice still full of tears.
As Tobin showered, Christen headed to the kitchen to cook their favorite meal.
They ate in silence still not over the fact that they are both still alive and reunited once more.
Tobin barely made it to the bed before she fell face down on the bed from exhaustion.
Christen had too much energy cursing through her to sleep. So, she decided to wash Tobin’s’ clothes.
As she was emptying the ACU jacket, she found the Polaroid picture she sent her wife in the last care package and with it a letter addressed to her:
“Dear Wife,
If you are reading this letter, then I am probably not cuddled next to you on our couch, drinking coffee cocooned with blankets and pillows.
I am sorry that I won’t be there to hog the covers anymore, or hug you so tight that you whisper in my ear “honey, I know how strong you are, you don’t need to crack my ribs as proof”, or make you that cup of coffee that you claim is “just the best in the world”.
Although I am sure that you always had the possibility of me not coming back home tucked in the dark corners of your brain and heart, yet I know that you wished and prayed that they stay tucked in there tightly forever; I heard your prayers every morning “God, if I don’t get anything else from life, grand me this; that she, the love of my life, stays with me till my last breath not hers.”
I know that you whispered it low enough for me not to hear, but I did, every single day.
My heart aches very much that I would not be there by your side when our son arrives to this life, but I know that you are the best human he could ever have the privilege of experiencing life with, he shall be blessed beyond words to have you because I know the following about you:
You are too greedy to let life pass you by.
You are too in awe of its beauty to let its fear devour you.
You are too full of grace to crumble and not get up.
Your scars decorate you for the glory to come and I just won’t let you bow down.
I know that you are a rebelliously traditional woman, so I know that when I come back in a coffin, you will do all the proper rituals for such a situation and I know that you will mourn and grieve me for days and weeks and that you will honor me more than I can ever deserve; but when grief has cursed through your body and is on its way out, and when mourning time is long overdue, let me go without heart ache, tuck me lovingly in that safe place in your heart, then open it up for whomever crosses your path for them to see a vacant sign rather that a closed one.
Know that no matter what happens or how long of a time passes and that with every changing season, I never loved anyone as much as I have loved you for all those blessed years we had.
Our time was short even as the years where counted on both hands, because with you my love, time flies by and stops for the right moments and I know that you feel the same way.
I know that I am a very hard person to love to begin with, and that I surely didn’t make it any easier on you. So, I thank you for loving me through my darkest days first and never flinching or stepping away. You have been my guiding light, my safe haven and the strength rushing through my veins.
No amount of thank yous or I love yous will ever do you justice, for I am saying them for all the years we’ve had together and all the years we should have had together.
As much as it aches my heart – and yours – you know that I never, for even one second, second guessed joining the military. We both know what we were singing up for, you knew from the beginning that I only loved two things more than life itself;
- This country and its military and serving the people, my people and keeping them safe and sound till my last breath. So, I had to call this shot and enlist. It was what I was created for; to serve and protect.
For hearts are the strongest when they beat in response to noble ideas.
- You. The love of my life, the one who gave me more purpose than anything could ever give, the one that was a gem too big for me to be entrusted with, the blood and adrenaline rushing through my body and I just have to stay reminded of those moments I catch my breath and feel you rush through my veins because those moments are why we do it.
You have always been my why to everything.
Don’t call me a hero unless you call yourself a hero too because if you don’t save yourself, you are not a hero and if you saved yourself then I am saved too. For I am always inside your heart.
A friend of mine here is as obsessed with words as much as I am. So, I will leave you some word of his:
“Long may your feet carry you.
Tender may your palm remain.
You survived it all. All on your own. Without a hand to hold.
It was all you, my dear.
What’s another demon to a warrior?
The wrath follows the wound and the rage accompanies.
Take a deep breath and count the water.”
You know that if I let myself go, I would write you a whole book, but in this situation, with sand in my hair and clothes, mud gracing my hands and inhibiting my nails, it is best to try to keep it short. You already know all my words, I couldn’t seem to have been able to stop their flow when I am around you.
I am smiling writing this, even with all the above described inconveniences because I am thinking of you and you bring nothing but peace and happiness wherever you exist which has kept me sane during the craziness and chaos going around in this shit hole I am in.
Rest assured that I have received your last care package, I ate all the sweets (eh, you know me and sweets). I added the small green cross to my dog tags. The Polaroid picture of you, my beloved, is tucked softly in the pocket on my heart just where you belong. That beanie you sent was just the thing I needed and the best part is that it still smells like you my love.
I have sent out a package for you which I hope you receive soon. It has pictures of me and my whole platoon, a spare extra set of my recently issued dog tags, new rank and all. Please don’t wear them dear, just dangle them wherever it feels convenient around the house.
I wrote all this because in a couple of hours from now, we will be leaving base and moving to a nearby village for our next detail, and although all this is routine work that we have done before a dozen times and the area is presumed clear;
I still feel a pit in my stomach and you know me and my gut feelings. I am praying and begging God to prove me wrong in this one, for I want to come home to you more than I want to take my next breath. I wouldn’t miss writing to you if this is to be my last letter to ever write.
Whatever happens in the upcoming few hours, know that you were as always on my mind and that I am at peace no matter the outcome, knowing you was always the cake and all our time together was the cherry on top. I am the most blessed person on the face of the earth to have witnessed your beauty and been graced with life next to you. So, I am happy and content no matter what.
Breathe, take another deep breath
Loosen the knots around your heart
Breathe out.
Just breathe and maybe drink that tea you love so much.
Don’t just survive this, live, have the courage to live again my love and love as hard as your heart can pump blood.
Again, I am sorry I left you but this is the life God has given us and no matter what I am thankful and content.
Farewell my beloved Christen,
I love you so much,
Tobin.”
Her tears had left damp spots on the papers but her heart was full of gratitude and awe.
She had never believed in God, or at least not as much as her wife did.
But in that moment she thanked God and prayed loud and proud, because she knows that that her wife is laying asleep in their bed here at home, is nothing short of a miracle that deserves thanking for.