Archive of Our Own

 

The new guy at Guitar Center is very, very cute. He keeps mostly to himself and Frank can't get his mind off of trying to change that as soon as possible. He has plotted this and that way to go about approaching the worker, but their shifts never coincide in a way that allows him to carry out his plan. 

Frank finally gets his chance when his friend and co-worker Ray asks him to stay late so they can hang out after work. Frank’s target – Ray had informed him that his name was Gerard – would come in for his shift while Frank was still there.

After coming inside from his smoke break, Frank finds Gerard in the staff room. He's usually all alone, which Frank finds strange yet perfect, and today is no exception. That's why Frank smiles to himself and silently takes his place on a chair across from Gerard.

“I haven’t eaten Poptarts like that since I was a kid,” Frank notes, gesturing to the fact that Gerard is nibbling on the edges of his lunch first, saving the center for last.

Gerard shrugs, regarding his snack for a second before taking another bite. “My mom thinks it’s a sign of some deeply rooted and unresolved psychological issues or something. She could totally be right.”

Frank just blinks at him. “That’s pretty deep. Is she a psychiatrist?”

“Totally,” Gerard says with a smirk. “She got her credentials from the prestigious Yahoo answers university.”

Frank laughs, pretty proud of himself for the easy flow of conversation so far. “She’s totally certified, dude.”

“Only when insulting me,” Gerard adds.

“Well, she sounds cool.”

Gerard pauses, his Poptart halfway to his mouth and cringes. “Gross.” 

“I complimented your mom, that’s not gross!” Frank defends.

“There’s usually some ‘your mom’ joke behind that and that’s gross,” Gerard explains, finally biting into the savored part of his snack.

Frank laughs again. “Well, hey, if she’s hot, why not?”

“Ew,” Gerard protests impassively, and that makes Frank smile. “Gross. And it’s not like you know how she looks or whatever.”

“Well,” Frank says, standing up. He casually snatches the uneaten half of the Poptart out of Gerard’s hand and takes a bite. “She has some hot kids, so I’m just assuming.”

Gerard scoffs as Frank leaves with the rest of his lunch, thinking to himself that this strange guy has never even met his brother, so how would he know, until he processes minutes later that Frank was talking about Gerard and that leaves him with a small blush every time he encounters the short and blatant flirter.

It takes them about five months of this strange flirtatious friendship – it mostly consists of Frank flirting and Gerard laughing and following up with a lame retort – to finally move things forward after all their co-workers and even their manager make threats of violence if they didn’t start dating already. Frank is smug about his plan working so flawlessly, because the relationship establishes itself easier than he could have ever hoped.

The person hosting the party that Gerard was at was just an acquaintance, but in striking up some friendly conversation with Gerard, he had told him about a newly single guy that caught Gerard’s attention the moment he saw him. So Gerard spent the entirety of that night making it his goal to get something out of those entrancing eyes. It took some time, but by the end of the night, he had succeeded.

In regards to their first date, Gerard leaves all the decisions to Frank, so Frank suggests something very simple. They go to pick up a pizza and then Frank takes Gerard to a park that Frank used to frequent when he was a child and they spend their night there, enjoying each other’s company and needing nothing else.

When Frank takes Gerard home, Gerard lingers in the car just a bit, but does nothing, so Frank once again takes the lead and makes a move for their first kiss. Gerard goes along willingly, happy that Frank read his mind and made it happen by himself.

Since Gerard had been the one to move everything along, from actually meeting him, to asking him out, he expected to be the one to make the first kiss happen in a traditional way at the end of their first date. His date surprised him, though, by greeting Gerard with a coy smile and a rushed kiss that left nothing short of a pleasant tingling on Gerard’s lips for the rest of the evening.

Frank is in Gerard’s car outside of Guitar Center, having jumped in there before Gerard’s shift started so he could get in a few messy kisses and maybe a short make out. Gerard’s laughing and trying to wriggle away from Frank’s wandering hands, knowing he’ll be late if he doesn’t escape from Frank right away.

“Come on,” Frank whines childishly, tugging on the hem of Gerard’s shirt. “Don’t leave me hanging, babe.”

Gerard gets tense suddenly and, with a serious tone, says, “Please don’t call me babe.”

Frank smirks, ready to joke about it and tease him with it, but immediately notices the serious look on Gerard’s face so he looks at Gerard questioningly.

“Just anything but babe, really,” Gerard says softly, smiling to ease the awkwardness.

Frank smiles back, choosing not to pester Gerard about it. “So, is ‘baby’ okay then?” Frank asks and Gerard nods, so Frank adds, “It’s short for baby mama, but I won’t tell if you don’t.”

Gerard laughs and kisses Frank, grateful that Frank understood him enough not to try and figure out why Gerard reacted the way he did. Frank’s never been fond of pet names anyway, and mostly likes to use them to tease and embarrass Gerard.

“Oh you can’t still be upset,” Gerard said with a laugh.

“I am, but you can make it up to me by kissing me, babe.”

Gerard raised an eyebrow. “When did we start doing the pet names thing?”

“Mm now, ‘cause to everyone else you’re Gerard, but to me you’re my babe.”

Gerard shook his head, cringing but smiling at the endearment. “You’re the biggest loser I’ve ever met.”

The first little disagreement between Frank and Gerard feels extremely cliché and pointless. They both are very busy with work, although Frank has college to add up to all that stress, so they haven’t had much time to talk. As the lack of communication stretches on, it begins to feel awkward to act normally around each other, and so they leave it as it is, both unsure of how to handle it. It escalates into something it should have never turned into. Frank finally gets tired of leaving things unresolved, so he convinces Gerard to meet up so that they can figure it all out.

Frank finds that Gerard is quite dismissive of the whole matter. Frank can tell that Gerard really is bothered by what’s going on, but for some reason, he’s trying to come off as though he doesn’t really care. Gerard isn’t fooling Frank with his reiterated response of, “There’s just no point in trying to talk it all out.”

No matter how dismissive Gerard’s tone and demeanor may be, Frank can read his face clearly, and it spells out his desire to make their relationship as easygoing as it always has been. So Frank continues pushing.

“I’m not letting this go until we talk properly,” Frank tells him.

“Why?” Gerard asks. “Why don’t you just drop it?”

Frank is quite shocked to hear him say that. He knows Gerard doesn’t mean it in the negative way that it sounds, so he keeps his composure enough to get through to Gerard.

“Because it’s important, ‘cause you’re important.”

“You don’t even care!” Gerard yelled, growing tired of the monotonous responses he’d been receiving.

“I do, but I’m not gonna sit here and beg you to talk, so whatever happens, happens.”

Frank and Gerard have been dating for a year now and Frank decides to say something he’s been feeling for a long time, wanting to utter those words in a very nonchalant way so that he doesn’t eat himself up with nerves about it. He’s saying goodbye to Gerard as Frank is about to leave Guitar Center to get to a meeting with a professor.

Frank kisses Gerard and, with their lips just an inch apart after pulling back, whispers, “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Gerard responds immediately, as though he’d been on his toes waiting for Frank to say it.

Frank laughs at the blush on Gerard’s cheeks. “Did you predict I was gonna say it or something?”

“No.” Gerard bites his lip. “I’ve just felt it for so long, but I was too scared to say it, and I was waiting to see if you did.”

Frank shakes his head and gives Gerard another quick kiss. “Thank God I have the balls in this relationship.”

“I do love you, you know that, right?”

Gerard hadn’t been expecting to hear that, so he could not help the widening of his eyes and the increased rate of his heartbeats.

“Y-You do?” was all he managed to say back.

“Of course I do. You do, too, right?”

“Of course,” Gerard said with a nod. “I have. I’m just an idiot for never saying it.”

“You’re an idiot, but definitely my idiot, babe.”

**

Frank stumbles into the apartment with the last of Gerard’s boxes. He shuts the door with his foot and carefully sets the heavy box down, just a second before Gerard launches himself at Frank. Frank braces himself against the wall with one hand, holding Gerard by the waist with the other as his face is ravished with quick kisses.

“You’re finally done!” Gerard exclaims, fingers resting against Frank’s neck.

“I would have been done faster if you helped me,” Frank teases, pinching Gerard’s hip.

“I’m not good at stuff like this,” Gerard dismisses with a shrug. He takes Frank by the wrist and guides him through the mess of still packed suitcases and boxes. “I would have tripped and broken stuff, and maybe myself. It’s better to leave the heavy duty work to you.”

“Yeah? Then what’s your job in this little living arrangement?” Frank asks.

“Coming up with awesome plans,” Gerard says confidently when he stops in the bedroom, “like breaking in the new place.” 

He’s smirking when he turns to face Frank, readable as ever. Frank peers around Gerard, finding the bed still disassembled, parts scattered all around the floor and propped against the walls.

“We should have a bed to do that, don’t you think?” Frank raises an eyebrow.

“This is good enough,” Gerard says, settling onto his knees on the bare mattress.

Frank cannot think of any ways to refute the plan that Gerard has come up with, especially with the way Gerard is staring up at him. He’s biting into his bottom lip, trying to tone down his excited smile to maintain the allure he is exuding to Frank. There’s never been a time that Frank could resist, so he joins him on the mattress.

Later on, they manage to actually get some work done, beginning by putting boxes in their corresponding rooms, so they could get things organized one room at a time. They were supposed to start on the living room so that the entry to their home could look presentable, but they are distracted by some photo albums. They are tangled up in one another on one of the sofas – the comfortable and probably expensive living room furnishings had been gifted to them by Frank’s parents – cooing at each other’s baby and childhood photos.

“So Mom’s asking about Christmas this year,” Frank says, reminded by that when he sees a picture of a naked, chubby baby Gerard propped up next to a bundle of gifts under a Christmas tree.

“Oh yeah, I talked to my parents, and I mentioned doing Christmas with your parents, and then New Year’s with mine,” Gerard says. “My mom said that that sounds fair, but next year we have to do Christmas with them.”

“Of course.” Frank smiles. “We’ll keep it fair by alternating. My mom’s still not over not having me over for Thanksgiving, like she has to have the chance to stuff me with food.”

“It’s just this year,” Gerard says with a laugh. “We have to have our first holiday here.”

Frank nods. “Yeah, she gets that, she’s totally happy deep down.”

Gerard suddenly turns Frank’s face towards him for a kiss, grinning widely when he pulls back.

“I’m so happy with how everything’s working out,” Gerard says earnestly, eyes practically gleaming with it.

Gerard’s elated voice sends a flurry of butterflies awry in Frank’s stomach. Nothing pleases him more than to know that he’s the cause of such a wide and genuine smile on Gerard’s face.

“Me, too,” Frank agrees, leaning in for another kiss.

It feels so good as they sort through various belongings, figuring out where to put things, knowing that this is the beginning of their lives together. They have been dating officially for almost two years. Gerard works full time at Guitar Center now and Frank got a full time job at a high school tutoring center as soon as he graduated from college. A bit over a month ago, seeing how stable their relationship and overall lives had become, Frank asked Gerard to move in with him. The two years they had together felt like so much longer than that. The thought of living together felt so natural, and their futures looked nothing but bright at that moment

**

Merely half a year of living together and Frank is already calling his mom with complaints. He had had to consult her before, regarding laundry detergent, dishwasher soap, and things like that, but never about Gerard. He never thought he would have to.

“I don’t know what it is, Mama.” Frank sighs into his phone when he pulls up to the parking spot that corresponds with his and Gerard’s apartment. Gerard isn’t home yet, but Frank dreads just walking into their place because it feels as though the tension is plastered against the floors and walls, following Frank regardless of whether or not Gerard is there. “Nothing happened, we haven’t argued about anything, it just kind of came out of nowhere.”

“Sometimes we say things and don’t realize them,” his mom says, hoping to help her son somehow. “Maybe you said something that bothered him?”

“I’ve thought about it, but there’s nothing,” Frank replies, shutting off his car and staring at the door of their apartment from a distance. “I’ve literally gone through every conversation we had, and there’s nothing.

“Have patience, tesoro,” his mother says, somehow always able to calm him simply with her comforting voice. “Give him some time, for whatever he’s dealing with, and I’m sure he’ll come around. It can’t last forever."

Frank’s mother is right, there’s no denying that; she always is. He’s always admired the love and understanding she shares with his father, so he has never questioned her relationship advice. The black and white welcome mat outside of their apartment, which Gerard decided needed a white skull drawn on the corner of it, taunts Frank. Home hasn’t been feeling very welcoming lately. He’s doubtful of how long he can take his mother’s advice under these circumstances.

It’s not uncommon for Gerard to feel down for no particular reason and sometimes for a day or two maximum, but it’s been five days already and it’s been worse than before. There is hardly any conversation between them, and if there is, it feels very forced and so it does not last long at all. Frank doesn’t like to pressure Gerard into talking, so he keeps telling himself to wait, but as the days stretch on, it gets harder and harder.

It doesn’t stop. As a matter of fact, it gets worse. Frank tries to bring back some normalcy by suggesting breakfast together, but Gerard is extremely difficult and rarely agrees. When he does agree, it’s only because Frank makes a bitter comment about how Gerard won’t die if he has breakfast with Frank. The meals they do share together don’t help much, because Gerard barely touches his food and does not speak, only responding briefly to things Frank says.

It’s been nine days since Frank complained to his mother, and he is mentally exhausted from trying to make something out of nothing. He’s at work, making notes on one of the essays from the students he works with. He has to reread sentences because his thoughts drift off into his own troubles. Keeping his mind off of his problems has always been easy and necessary, considering that he works to tutor students who were having trouble in school. There is no room for his emotions when working with them. Lately, though, it’s been unbelievably difficult.

A bag of chips lands on top of the paper he’s trying to proofread, and he sighs in relief, glad to have an excuse to stop working. He looks up at his friend Tanya with grateful eyes.

“I could sense you’ve been needing a break all day,” Tanya says, taking a seat across from him. “What’s goin’ on, Frankie?”

“I’m just tired,” Frank lies, hoping the rustling of the bag of chips can cover up his blatant lie.

“Bullshit.” Tanya rolls her eyes.

Frank looks around quickly to make sure their boss is nowhere near them. There are no students around, but Tanya is already on thin ice with all the times she’s been caught cursing around the kids she works with, and Frank can’t sweet talk their boss more than once a week.

Tanya always helps Frank through his problems, offering him multiple pieces of advice, and guiding him through each one of them. Frank feels bad burdening her with things, knowing she has issues of her own to deal with. She hardly talks about them, though, which is why Frank hesitates to ask her for advice.

“It’s not much,” Frank lies again.

Tanya sees through him. The tiredness is clear in Frank’s eyes and he’s been that way for more than a week. She tucks her dyed-black hair behind her ears and rests her elbows on the desk.

“If you’re pulling one of your ‘I feel bad because you help me a lot’ moments, I will actually kill you,” she says with a smile, knowing him all too well.

Frank cringes, because it’s impossible for him to get things past Tanya. “I know you’ve got shit going on with Lauren, and that is way worse than my problems, so it’s not fair.”

“Nothing’s changed with Lauren.”

“Exactly,” Frank says with a nod. “Which means it’s still bad. And you don’t ever talk to me about it.”

“God, I’ve known you for like six years, you know how I am.”

Tanya has never been the type to vent to Frank – or anyone for that matter – when she has issues, simply because she prefers figuring things out on her own. She always updates Frank when things are solved, if they ever are.

Frank simply purses his lips together and stares at her with upturned eyebrows.

“Lauren’s parents still hate me,” she says bluntly, “and she still doesn’t know what to do about it because it’s not about being gay, it’s about me being black. We both don’t know what to do because she doesn’t wanna piss her parents off since they’ve become so cool about the gay thing, and that’s basically all that’s new, and it’s not even new ‘cause you already knew all that.”

Frank continues staring at her, feeling awful about what she has to deal with, and wishing she would tell him more about how she’s feeling so he can maybe help in some way or another, even if it’s just by offering a venting session.

“Get rid of those damn puppy eyes, Frank, and tell me what’s goin’ on.”

Frank can’t ever escape, so he fesses up, telling Tanya all about what’s been going on between himself and Gerard. He does this while they clean up around the office since it’s a Friday.

“It’s been two weeks now,” Frank notes when they leave the tutoring center, having counted each day. Frank is sitting in the passenger’s side of his car, and Tanya in the driver’s seat of hers, their cars parked next to each other.

“Obviously the whole waiting things out isn’t working,” Tanya says bluntly. “Two weeks is not normal, dude, how long were you planning to wait?”

Frank lets out a long breath, looking down at his tattooed hands, one hand clutching the other. “I dunno. I didn’t plan anything because I didn’t think it would ever last this long.”

“You already know what you need to do,” she says.

“Yeah, but…” he pauses, not sure what he wants to say in defense to that.

“You’re scared of why,” she explains easily. “You don’t know why he’s been acting this way, and since it’s been forever, you’re scared to actually know why he’s been like this because it could be something really bad.”

“Bingo.” He sits back in his seat. “Your prize is coming over and talking to Gerard for me.”

Tanya laughs. “Yeah fucking right. You’re not waiting anymore. Talk to him either tonight or tomorrow, and if you don’t, I’m killing you.”

“You always say you’ll kill me, but you never do,” Frank attempts to joke lifelessly.

“Only ‘cause you always obey me,” she explains. She hops onto the pavement then and ushers Frank out of the passenger’s seat and to the other side of his car as though he really needs assistance. She gives him a hug as well as a strong smack to the middle of his back that’s supposed to be comforting, and wishes him luck. He promises to keep her updated and then he’s off to his and Gerard’s home, hoping that by some miracle Gerard starts talking to Frank again just so Frank doesn’t have to confront him. He would will himself to forget how distant Gerard had been if they could just be normal again.

Gerard isn’t back to his old self of course. He gets home just a few hours after Frank. Frank is sitting in bed, his mind clear enough to proofread the essay he had been working on. Gerard walks into the room and silently changes out of his work clothes. He slips out of his red polo Guitar Center shirt and black jeans and into his pajama pants without saying a single word to Frank.

Frank adjusts his reading glasses, sliding them up his nose and swiping his slightly wavy hair out of the way. Frank stares at Gerard the entire time, feeling this emptiness in his chest as the dark-haired man who has his heart stands in the same room as him, under the same roof as him, and yet feels like a complete stranger. Both of their hair has grown longer than they usually let it. Frank’s is falling in waves down the back of his neck, and Gerard’s is slick straight, about the same length. Frank hasn’t cut it because he hasn’t been in a good enough mood to care; he wonders if Gerard is the same.

“Hey,” Frank greets him. He still has his hopes set out on the miracle of Gerard suddenly going back to normal.

Gerard actually flinches when he’s pulling his t-shirt on, turning around and seeming surprised to find Frank there, as though he had forgotten about him completely. That stings.

“How was work?” Frank tries, wanting just a few words to hang onto for the rest of the night.

“Good,” Gerard answers simply. One word.

“Nothing interesting happen?” Frank probes.

Gerard shakes his head, shrugs, and then leaves the room. Frank lets his head fall back against the headboard, taking deep breaths to calm the sad churning in his stomach. Gerard feels lost to him, even though they continue to live under the same roof and share the same bed, and Frank doesn’t understand how to feel about it.

Frank slips his glasses off, setting them on the nightstand, and follows Gerard, determined to have a conversation. They used to spend much of their nights talking about their work, recalling the most pointless details of their day simply because they cared to tell and cared to know.

Gerard is in the kitchen, making himself a sandwich. Frank hops up onto one of the counters, taking a deep breath to brace himself before speaking.

“So you remember that kid I used to tell you about? Matthew?” Frank begins, telling Gerard about his day even though he never bothered to ask.

Gerard hums, which Frank decides is better than Gerard having forgotten entirely; Frank used to go on for hours about Matthew, an adopted kid who had so much potential but no motivation.

“He stopped coming to tutoring ‘cause he’s doing so well,” Frank brags. “He came today with his mom to visit and he looks so happy and he’s in fucking AP classes.”

“That’s really awesome,” Gerard says.

Frank doesn’t look at Gerard, knowing that his face must surely match the lifeless tone with which he speaks. He can’t handle seeing Gerard’s disinterest in what Frank has to say, when not too long ago he would have been sharing Frank’s excitement about Matthew’s success.

“It is,” Frank agrees instead. “It feels so good to know I was there through his improvement, you know?”

“Yeah, well, you’ve always been good at your job,” Gerard compliments him in the same flat voice.

“Thanks,” Frank says, feeling insulted rather than flattered by the seemingly insincere compliment. They fall silent again, and Frank sorts through his day for more things to tell Gerard. He can’t come up with anything because of how disheartened he is. Gerard doesn’t actually care to hear anything Frank has to say, and this realization leaves Frank feeling completely hollowed out.

“Uh, I’m gonna eat in the living room,” Gerard announces before leaving Frank alone in the kitchen.

Frank sits there, staring at the tiled floor, doing what he does every night: recalling everything that had taken place before Gerard turned into a completely different person. Nothing ever stands out to him, no matter how hard he thinks. Feeling too strung up on the dead conversations between himself and Gerard, Frank gives up on trying to figure things out and retreats to their bedroom. He doesn’t have to tell Gerard he is going to bed; Gerard won’t notice anyway.

The following day, Frank decides to tidy up the apartment on his day off, to keep his mind and body busy so that he didn’t bring himself down with thoughts of Gerard. When he goes to take out the trash, he finds Gerard’s sandwich dumped out and scattered, looking almost whole. It hits Frank then how little Gerard has been eating since he’d grown distant. He looked like he was losing a bit of weight as well. This only presented Frank with more unanswered questions to ponder about.

As Frank cleans and re-cleans every part of the apartment, he receives multiple text messages from Tanya with actual death threats if Frank doesn’t confront Gerard as they had agreed he would do. Frank tells her that he will, which he definitely should. Whether or not he’ll have the courage to actually do it, though, is a different story.

When Gerard gets home, Frank says nothing to him at first. He allows him to change and settle into the living room comfortably, a bag of pretzels next to him, and his cell phone in hand, reading something attentively.

Frank is standing in the small hallway, wringing his hands as he gives himself a mental pep talk. This is important. He needs to talk to Gerard to salvage their relationship, or whatever it had become. He walks into the living room and sits on the coffee table, so that he’s right across from Gerard.

“Gerard,” he speaks. Gerard looks up and waits, so Frank continues. “I’ve been wanting to talk to you about something.”

“What?” Gerard asks. It’s not cold or harsh per se, but it’s…disinterested, which hurts Frank just the same.

“I’m sure I’m not imagining this, but you’ve been a little off to me lately?” Frank begins. “It just feels like you’re not all there and it’s worrying me that there’s something wrong, but I’ve been trying to think about what that could be and I don’t know what. I don’t know if it’s something I did or something else, but I just feel like you should talk to me? You always have.”

“There’s nothing,” Gerard says simply. “You know, just tired lately, that’s all.”

Gerard looks back down at his phone. Frank’s mouth drops opens. He’s baring himself to Gerard and getting absolutely nothing in return. He could live with Gerard not caring to know about Frank’s day at work, but the fact that he is still immovable even when it concerns Frank’s feelings triggers a strong anger within Frank.

“Gerard,” Frank says firmly, causing Gerard to look up at him again. “You’re not just tired. What’s going on?”

“There’s nothing,” Gerard dismisses him again. “I don’t see what could be going on?”

“I don’t either, but I’m not the one being weird, you are.”

“I’m not being weird, I don’t see what’s wrong,” Gerard responds.

The dismissive tone to his voice is driving Frank insane. All the passive sadness he had felt is turning into a hot fury boiling beneath his skin.

“You are,” Frank insists. “Seriously, we hardly talk or do anything anymore. We might as well not be living together. You don’t tell me anything or ask me about anything. You don’t seem like you care, and hell, I can’t remember the last time you touched me or let me touch you. The only time I feel you is when you sleep next to me. You can’t fucking tell me there’s nothing.”

“But I am,” Gerard refutes. “There’s nothing.”

Frank throws his head back in frustration. He is pouring his heart out to Gerard, and only getting a few words of denial sent back to him. He doesn’t know how to handle this Gerard, this completely different person sitting across from him.

“God, who are you?” Frank asks, shaking his head. “You've changed, Gerard, and I’m tired of this, whatever it is. Either go back to normal, or fucking talk to me about why you’re being like this.”

“Frank, there really is—”

“Don’t say there’s nothing!” Frank exclaims irritatedly, standing up at the same time. “Ignore me, fine, but don’t lie to my fucking face.”

“I don’t know what you want me to tell you, though,” Gerard says with a mere shrug.

“Maybe the truth,” Frank replies bitterly, his hands in tight fists at his sides. He’s staring down at Gerard, still not finding a trace of emotion on his face.

Gerard has no response to that and Frank can’t handle it anymore, so he storms off to the bedroom. Gerard doesn’t follow him, which shouldn’t surprise Frank, but it does. He’s worrying at his bottom lip with his teeth as he grabs a pillow and a blanket, then storms back into the living room with them. He tosses them onto the sofa next to Gerard, keeping the hurt off of his face in favor of anger.

“I can’t sleep next to a fucking stranger,” Frank says. “So you can join me in bed when you’re done with this bullshit.”

Frank actually waits, hoping this drastic move would provoke anything out of Gerard. He is staring at Gerard with pleading eyes, but Gerard is looking at the blanket and pillow next to him instead. From the beginning of their relationship, Frank has always made it clear that when they argue, he needs to see some inkling of effort from Gerard’s end. The act of being dismissive did nothing but cause more strife, doubt, and unwanted emotions, so it was something they avoided at all costs. Gerard seems to have forgotten all of that.

“Great.” Frank nods, before walking away and muttering, “Fucking awesome, Gerard.”

Later that night, as Frank’s thoughts fight off the sleepiness in his eyes, he gets a text from Tanya – “So what went down?? I’m assuming you talked cuz if you didn’t, you know what happens.”

Frank sighs and stares at the wall, imagining what Gerard looks like in the living room, cuddled up on the sofa and trying with futile efforts to sleep. Gerard always has a hard time sleeping when he’s alone, and Frank knows it, so kicking him out isn’t the easiest thing for Frank to do.

Frank responds to Tanya with – “Kicked him out to the living room. I’ll update you later k?”

Tanya replies – “Sleep tight Frankie.”

One of the many reasons Frank loves Tanya is her understanding nature, and how she always knows when it’s okay to  pressure Frank into talking and when to just leave him be for a while. He mentally thanks her and hides his face beneath the covers. It takes all he’s got to fight off the guilt creeping up on him.

Frank is only able to push aside the guilt for the night, because the next day he catches a glimpse of Gerard slumping out of their apartment, looking like he got absolutely no sleep whatsoever. Frank sighs disappointedly at himself and takes the blanket and pillow back into the room, hoping it’ll send the message to Gerard without having to actually say anything to him.

Gerard takes the hint, joining Frank in bed that night. They still say nothing to each other. Frank is sitting up, the lamp next to him switched on to a dim setting as he reads one of Matthew’s essays. He’d requested it from him just so he can see how much the quality of his work had improved. Frank pretends for a moment that instead of laying with his back towards him, Gerard is leaning against his side, reading alongside Frank. He would mess around, scattering kisses against his neck, rambling about how he wished Frank would wear his glasses more often. Frank would eventually give in, returning every kiss with two more.

Frank sets the paper down and moves his glasses out of the way to rub tiredly at his eyes.

“I can’t deal with this for too long,” he says, not sure if Gerard is sleeping already. It’s not like he would know, getting no response from Gerard, asleep or awake.

Too long for Frank becomes about a week and a half more. On a Sunday night, he wakes up long past midnight due to his stomach grumbling. He’d spent the entire day at work, meeting with student after student since they had big exams coming up for the end of the school year. Whenever he got so busy, he didn’t get much to eat so his body sought food at this hour.

Frank heats up some leftover pizza and settles in the living room, flipping the TV on to reruns of old family sitcoms. Frank hasn’t done this midnight snack routine in quite a long time, but usually, Gerard would come out and join him on the sofa because of his inability to sleep alone. It’s a strange habit Gerard has, always needing someone to be in the same room he sleeps in or else he feels on edge and does not get any rest. He would lay down next to Frank, falling asleep most of the times, until Frank finished eating, and then Frank would guide Gerard’s sluggish body back into the room. As Frank washes his plate, he wonders if Gerard’s change has gone as far as ridding him of this habit.

Frank goes back into the bedroom, carefully shutting the door behind him, and is taken aback when he sees that Gerard is awake, staring up at the ceiling with a vacant expression. Questions begin gnawing at Frank immediately. Why would he just lay there instead of going out to Frank like he always did? Why was he avoiding Frank and all the things they used to do together to this extent?

“You’re awake,” Frank says, still standing by the door, one hand on the door knob.

“Yeah, can’t sleep alone,” Gerard replies, as though this is some new fact about himself that Frank wouldn’t be familiar with.

“You know where to find me,” Frank informs him in the same way, since this is all apparently new to them.

All Gerard replies with is a sighed out, “Yeah.”

Frank stares with wide eyes, wiggling his toes against the carpet, before tightening his grip on the door knob to head out into the living room. Since Gerard can’t sleep well, Frank is going to let him have a few more sleepless nights. Maybe he’ll reach the brink of exhaustion and finally crack and pour his heart out to Frank.

“You coming to bed?” Gerard asks.

This small question, spoken innocently from Gerard and sounding a bit needy, should not be enough to reel Frank right back in despite his anger, but it is.

“Of course,” he says before he shuts his eyes, takes a couple of deep and steady breaths, and finally walks over to the bed. The sheets are cold where he had left them uncovered, but there is some heat radiating off of Gerard.

They lay there, not touching and not talking, as had become the usual. Frank is as weak as ever, though, and scoots closer to Gerard, using the warmth as an excuse. He rests his head against Gerard’s shoulder and a hand over Gerard’s chest. Gerard does and says nothing, so they fall asleep in that exact position.

Throughout the following day, Frank is bombarded with shame for his blatant display of weakness. Frank feels pathetic. He is the one desperately trying to keep things together while Gerard just stands by and watches. Why is Gerard going on every day as though there really is nothing wrong, while Frank is the one cuddling up to him at night, desperate for affection? These thoughts are with him while he’s at work, on his way home, while he eats dinner alone, and louder than ever when Gerard arrives and follows his new routine of saying nothing to Frank.

Frank is in the kitchen, watching Gerard from the opening. Gerard is sitting on the sofa, reading a book. Frank has been expecting Gerard to finally say something. He’s been trying to exercise this patience that he promised he would always have with Gerard. He’s always believed that there shouldn’t be any pressure to get someone to talk about their feelings, but this philosophy is working against him since it’s putting such a strain on their relationship.

When Gerard’s mouth hitches up into the slightest of smiles as he quickly turns to the next page of the book he’s reading, Frank snaps. Gerard hasn’t shown him the smallest bit of emotion, not even when Frank was opening up to him, and yet he’s smiling at a book. He’s more connected to the words written by a stranger than he is to Frank, and maybe there were other things that should have pushed Frank to the edge, but at the moment, that was all it took. He makes a decision and storms off to their room.

A few minutes later, Frank has a small bag of clothes in his hand, enough for a week or so at his parents' house. He just can't keep accepting Gerard's lack of reaction and taking it in. He needs to act on him. That's why he gets his backpack, slings it over his shoulder and furiously walks back into the living room. Gerard is still in the same position, reading, and Frank doesn't bother to make any sound to call for his attention. He just stands in front of Gerard's hunched figure and says, “I'm leaving.”

Gerard lifts his head up slowly and stares at Frank with empty eyes. “What?”

“I’m taking a break at my parents’ place for a while because I can’t handle being around you like this anymore,” Frank answers, adjusting the bag over his shoulder, trying to look as confident and certain as he can.

Gerard continues staring. Frank huffs out a frustrated breath, looking down at Gerard expectantly. If there is any appropriate time for Gerard to leave his trance and say more than a few words, now is definitely it. Frank searches his face, but once again, finds nothing.

Frank sighs disappointedly and shakes his head. “I’m glad you agree with this decision then.”

“What?” Gerard speaks up. “I don’t, of course I don’t.”

Frank raises an eyebrow. “Oh yeah? I must have missed when you said it.”

Though he hates to admit it, Frank is glad to have some back and forth going on, even if it’s arguing about Frank leaving. His heart has been aching to feel like Gerard cares again; he’d been forgetting what that feels like.

The moment doesn’t last long because Gerard falls silent again.

“Jesus!” Frank groans. “That! Stop doing that! Fucking talk to me! I’m telling you that I’m leaving.”

Gerard’s eyebrows furrow, contorting as Gerard looks at Frank with concern. “Don’t leave,” he says simply, voice small.

Frank wants to lie to himself, pretend as though Gerard’s worried expression and two words were not making Frank reconsider his decision to leave. He is, though. He is already warming up to Gerard even if he was only showing an inkling of care again. Frank has been desperate. He just wants enough to tell himself that Gerard still loves him.

“Why shouldn’t I?” Frank asks, maintaining a defensive front.

Gerard sighs, looking down for a moment before looking up at Frank again. “Because I really don’t want you to.” He pauses to shake his head, running a nervous hand through his hair. “I know I don’t deserve to have you stay for that reason, but I just… need you here. I don’t want you to leave with things… like this.”

Frank drops the bag on the floor and crosses his arms. Gerard’s anxious demeanor as he tries to convince Frank to stay is really gnawing at the hard exterior that Frank is trying to maintain. He’s already feeling weakened by what Gerard is saying to him, even though it’s the most he’s spoken in nearly a month.

Frank is still debating what he should do when Gerard stands up and closes the distance between them to wrap his arms around Frank. Frank clenches his eyes, forehead pressing against Gerard’s shoulder. He tries not to give in, but Gerard’s arms tighten around him, one hand clutched to the neckline of his shirt and the other pressed warm and heavy on the small of his back. Frank melts into the embrace, arms coming up to hold Gerard right back. Frank takes a deep breath, relishing the warmth of Gerard surrounding him. It’s been so long since they felt this close that Frank is biting his bottom lip to suppress his tears. He doesn’t even know if they would be tears of happiness or sadness at what he felt he’d lost.

“I missed you,” Frank whispers, forehead now resting against Gerard’s neck.

Gerard sighs and pulls back to look at Frank with such a pained expression. He feels awful and Frank can see it so clearly; before Gerard had grown distant, Frank had always been able to pick apart everything Gerard was feeling by just looking at him.

“I’m sorry,” is all Gerard can say. He places a hand on Frank’s cheek, pulling him closer but pausing as though he needs to ask permission. He doesn’t feel entitled to anything anymore.

The fact that Gerard has to basically ask to kiss Frank hurts, but Frank appreciates it nonetheless, glad that Gerard recognizes that he’s at fault.

Frank closes the remaining distance, edging up to connect their lips. The touch is kept very brief, but so much is communicated in that moment. Frank feels it again, the love that Gerard has for him. He knows it’s there and all his doubts about whether it still exists finally go away.

“Will you stay?” Gerard asks, smoothing the hair out of Frank’s face and tucking it behind his ears. Frank sighs at the subtle form of intimacy that he’d been craving.

He nods simply and then nudges the forgotten bag of clothes out of his way, as he leads Gerard out of the living room and into their bedroom. It’s always been some unspoken tradition for them since they moved into their apartment that whenever they had problems, they would talk it out in bed, preferably with coffee. This time, though, the tradition was only halfway followed by leaving out the coffee, considering that they weren’t ready to resolve everything just yet.

They lay on their sides, facing each other. Frank can see the guilt as well as the uneasiness on Gerard’s face. He’s truly sorry, but he isn’t ready to open up to Frank about whatever has been going on. Frank chooses to accept that rather than push things all at once.

“Can we…” Frank begins, but pauses.

He takes Gerard’s hand in his and stares at it. He traces his tattooed finger over Gerard’s prominent veins and knuckles, using them as a distraction. When he looks back up at Gerard, he finds him staring at their hands as well with that pained expression that troubles Frank to no end.

“Can we be normal again?” Frank continues. “Whatever it is that’s going on, I’ll let you talk to me in your own time. But, until then, can we please just be normal again?”

Gerard puts his other hand over Frank’s, halting its movement and squeezing it slightly.

“I tried to be,” he says to Frank, eyes still downcast.

Frank chuckles softly, which brings Gerard’s gaze up to face him. It’s crazy to think that hearing one another laugh has become such a rarity, even while sharing this apartment.

“No offense, G, but you failed miserably,” Frank says, a small smile on his face.

“How could you tell?” Gerard asks, seeming truly affronted by Frank being able to catch on to his odd behavior so easily.

Frank shakes his head, smiling at Gerard’s typical obliviousness. “Just because you were in plays as a kid, doesn’t mean you’re much of an actor.”

That’s all Frank says on the matter and then leans in for another kiss, a longer one this time, but not by much. Things are still far too tense and strange to expect things to go any further than that, so they lay there for the rest of the night, hands together, and talking. They make small talk about things such as the weather, which should seem awkward, but with the silence that has festered between them, being able to have any sort of back and forth conversation is a huge relief.

“The humidity is fucking killing me, though,” Gerard complains.

“It would probably help if you cut your hair,” Frank suggests.

“You know I hate cutting my hair,” Gerard says with a pout, running his hands through the strands as though they would get shorter at the mere mention of haircuts.

“I don’t see why,” Frank says with a shrug. “Just for the summer.”

“Short hair emphasizes my cheeks,” Gerard explains.

Frank fakes a shocked expression and pinches one of Gerard’s cheeks in a grandmother’s affection kind of way. “But I fucking love your chubby little cheeks!”

Gerard laughs and swats Frank’s hand away, cringing. His eyes wrinkle as he rubs his cheek, slightly reddened from Frank’s fingers. Frank grins at him, beyond happy to have his Gerard back. He’s missed that smile, laugh, and this causal conversation and friendly teasing. He knows he’s been miserable, but he doesn’t realize how much until now, when the tension in his heart is relieved simply by seeing Gerard’s small teeth behind his outstretched lips.

Frank surges forward, pretending that he’s about to bite Gerard’s cheek. Gerard squeals, but his arms instinctively go out to catch Frank rather than fend for himself. Frank laughs stupidly, feeling high with the sense of relief surging through him. He lets Gerard off with a kiss to his previously pinched cheek, rather than a bite.

Gerard smiles and pulls Frank down for one last kiss before Frank settles comfortably on top of him, tucking his head into Gerard’s neck.

They talk for a few more minutes, before settling beneath the sheets and sleeping, curled up into each other. It isn’t one-sided tonight. Gerard’s arm is wrapped just as tightly around Frank as Frank’s is around Gerard.

The next day, they wake up and get ready for work together. There isn’t much to say so early in the morning, but occasionally they exchange small smiles, which is enough to let Frank know that things are still okay.

Frank is sitting on the bed, putting his socks on and Gerard is standing at the doorway of their bedroom, already dressed.

“So, you didn’t really answer my question last night,” Gerard says.

“Hm? What question?”

“About how you could tell that there was something wrong,” Gerard explains.

Frank has his socks on now and is ready to go, but sits there for a moment, recalling how Gerard’s out of character behavior began. “I can literally pinpoint the day you started acting weird.”

“Really? How?” Gerard asks skeptically.

“You’re kind of a creature of habit, you know,” Frank says. “You always have this little routine of yours and you only start breaking it when something is wrong.”

Gerard can admit he does like to keep things in a familiar pattern. “How did I first break it then?”

“You usually wake up earlier than me, right? So you make coffee for us, but drink yours while you get ready, and then make one for me in my travel mug. You wake me up right before you leave and you know I’m gonna rush since I slept in a few minutes, so you tell me my coffee is ready already, kiss me goodbye, and go. You stopped doing that before everything else.”

Frank is looking somewhere in Gerard’s vicinity, not directly at him, with a sad expression as he recalls how things started falling apart after that. How things began with no coffees, no goodbyes, no greetings after work, and then almost no words at all.

Frank quickly smiles through the sadness and looks at Gerard. “Then you just got weird after that.”

Gerard has to force himself to smile as well, feeling saddened by the fact that Frank notices these minuscule details about Gerard and his routines, while Gerard doesn’t notice them on himself, much less on Frank. He’s never been able to read Frank like Frank is able to read people, and he feels guilty now that he sees what Frank’s empathy does to him when Gerard neglects him the way he has been.

“How could you not notice that there’s something wrong?! I’ve been trying to make it obvious to you!” Gerard’s voice is loud, but pleading.

“I can’t read your mind, Gerard, you know? I do try to make shit right if something’s wrong, but I can’t do that if you don’t tell me what the hell is going on.”

Gerard shakes his head, too obviously for it to be something that Frank doesn’t notice. Gerard feels a huge wave of guilt overcome him, having betrayed his promise to himself that he would never draw comparisons to Frank ever since their relationship became serious.

Frank notices that Gerard suddenly looks very upset, but he hopes with everything he’s got that it’s just momentary and that things will go on as they had the previous night.

Frank leaves the bed and crosses the room to drape his arms over Gerard’s shoulders. He pushes himself up to get a quick kiss and then smiles comfortingly.

“I love you, you big dork,” Frank says.

Gerard smiles. Frank can tell it’s a bit detached, but continues telling himself that it’s nothing. He’s calmed by Gerard’s genuine response of, “I love you, too. So much.”

Frank comes back home late from work since the school year is coming to an end and they’ve got to finalize reports on students and get everything organized. Tanya is happy to see him in much higher spirits than he had been before, and he can’t help but gush to her about finally getting along with Gerard.

On his way home, he stops by a grocery store to buy a bottle of cheap wine. He figures they can loosen up, finally rid themselves of all the built-up tension, and maybe even have sex. Frank can’t remember the last time they got even remotely close to doing something, and he feels frustrated just thinking about that.

The lights in the apartment are all off, except for a faint glow coming from their bedroom. Frank smirks, thinking that maybe Gerard has the same thing in mind. Frank finds Gerard in bed, tucked comfortably into the sheets.

“Long day at work?” Frank asks from the door, knowing Gerard wouldn’t be asleep alone.

Gerard hums. “Yeah, pretty tired.”

Frank’s heart sinks immediately. He’s gotten much too familiar with that uninterested tone in Gerard’s voice that it’s far too easy to differentiate between that and being “tired.” Frank simply nods even though Gerard can’t see him. He does not need to say anything because this reclusive Gerard never cares to hear what Frank has to say anyways.

Frank goes to the kitchen to leave the wine on the dining table, then back into the room, getting ready to sleep; there is not much else to do. He had been so excited to finally establish some normalcy again, but the tension radiating off of Gerard’s side of the bed signifies that that will not be happening anytime soon. Frank feels like he is holding his breath all over again.

They are back in this state of strangers living together and sharing a bed, and it goes on for about four days before Frank feels like he is going to burst from the ridiculousness of the situation. It’s a Saturday, so he is home all day with his thoughts on the matter, which results in him being a bundle of agitated nerves.

Just around sunset, he takes a breather in the balcony to escape from the suffocating aura of their apartment. Gerard’s not home yet, but Frank bitterly notes to himself that it would not make a difference. Gerard’s presence and lack thereof have become one in the same.

Frank stares at his phone, ready to call Tanya and rant endlessly to her. He hasn’t heard from her in a few days since she hasn’t needed to go into work. His finger is just hovering over the call button when he receives a message from her. It’s a picture of her with her girlfriend, Lauren. Lauren’s looking to the camera, her face cringing but smiling as Tanya bites into her shoulder. They look happy together, which is something Frank has not gotten to see in a long time.

Along with the picture, Tanya wrote – “No worries short stuff, all is well with T&L.”

Just like Tanya to disappear for days and make a comeback with good news. Frank smiles as he types back his response – “Looking super good, I’m happy for you two :) Schedule a post-therapy session soon where you tell me how you handled shit and I tell you that that would have been my advice!”

Frank admits to himself that there is a subtle pang of jealousy at the way Tanya and Lauren look in that picture. Of course their troubles have been far more difficult to handle than Frank’s, but Frank wishes he at least knew what was going on with Gerard so that they could get closer to having those cheesy happy pictures taken of them.

Frank is about to call his mom as his next resort, but he can already hear the advice she will most likely give him. She will suggest, for the hundredth time, that they should talk things out. Frank finally decides on Ray, knowing he’s always good for listening without making Frank feel bad about not doing the obviously right thing.

“Hey, Frankie!” Ray answers cheerfully. Frank hears the front door open, so he keeps his voice low and inches the sliding door of the balcony shut so that his voice won’t drift.

“Hey, Ray, how are you?” Frank asks.

“Pretty good, man, what about you?”

“Good,” Frank says slowly. “Mostly. I, uh, needed to talk to someone if you’re up for it. Just gotta have someone other than myself to complain to about stuff with Gerard, ya know?”

“Aw, man, you know I’ve got your back whenever you need me,” Ray says sincerely, so Frank perks up. “But now’s not really a good time, I’m sorry.”

“Oh.” Frank pouts childishly and slouches. “No, no, it’s totally okay.”

“Christa is just on me to call and book stuff for the wedding,” Ray says, sounding stressed out by the mere mention of it. “We’ve still got awhile, but you know, weddings.”

Frank laughs. “Yeah, of course I totally get it. Good luck to us both then, right?”

“Hell yeah,” Ray says with a laugh. “Whenever I’m free, though, I owe you a ranting session.”

“I’ll hold you to it.”

After Frank says his goodbyes to Ray, he ponders who else he knows and trusts well enough to talk to about Gerard and he gets an idea. It probably won’t work, but he figures it’s worth a try.

The moment Frank introduces the topic he needs to complain about, though, he is shut down.

“You already know I don’t give you or Gerard advice about each other,” Mikey says over the phone. “This is what happens when I become friends with my brother’s boyfriend.”

“Come on, Mikey.” Frank actually whines. “You don’t need to give me advice, just listen.”

“Sorry,” Mikey says adamantly.

Frank begs for a short while longer, even trying to guilt Mikey about how Frank is practically like a brother and so he should ignore this rule altogether. He’s pacing the balcony while Mikey repeatedly rejects him, and then says his bitter goodbyes to him as well.

He’s wallowing in self-pity for about five minutes, refusing to go back inside, when he receives a lifesaving text from Ray. It reads – “Modern Warfare! Xbox live now before Christa catches me slacking! Perfect stress reliever.”

Frank sends back an enthusiastic – “Right now!” He rushes back into the house, bringing the slightly chilly air in with him, and settles down on the sofa. Playing mindlessly with Ray for a while, even if it is not the same as a venting session, is sure to take a load off his mind.

The game, consisting of some strategic shooting down of enemies and yelling at one another through the headset, does wonders for both their levels of stress. Less than an hour into the game, Frank is shocked to feel a firm pair of hands on his shoulders. He jumps and pauses the game. Gerard is standing behind the sofa, massaging his fingers into Frank’s skin through his shirt.

“You still alive over there?” Ray’s voice asks in Frank’s ear.

“Uh, hold on, Ray,” Frank says turning his neck to look up at Gerard. He’s looking down at Frank with a small smile on his face. His fingers skitter up Frank’s neck, causing Frank to shiver slightly. It’s such a simple touch, but it has been so long.

When Gerard sees Frank reacting positively to the touch, he leans down and kisses the crook of his neck. It’s not so much a kiss as it is this enticing sweep of his lips, following the trail that his fingers had created earlier.

Frank holds back a sigh, his eyes fluttering shut, aware that Ray is still on the other end. Gerard moves his mouth up towards Frank’s and Frank shamelessly puckers up, but Gerard speaks into the microphone instead.

“I gotta borrow Frank for a while, Ray, sorry,” Gerard says. Frank can feel Gerard’s warm breaths against his lips as he speaks.

“Go get ‘im, tiger,” Ray teases, his smirk easily detectable in his voice.

Frank bursts out laughing, says his goodbyes to Ray, and launches off of the sofa to throw himself at Gerard. Frank is perfectly aware, as his mouth roams Gerard’s skin hungrily on their way to the bedroom, that he should probably question this moment. He should question Gerard about this sudden change, question the silence being followed by this advance. It's been a month since they lived normally, had sex or did anything remotely close to it, so this must come with a catch.

Frank doesn’t say anything, though. It’s been too long and he does not allow himself to think as their clothes are quickly shed, and hands roam against skin that has become unfamiliar territory. Frank cannot question a single thing when he hears those little choked backed moans, barely audible, coming from Gerard. He’s overwhelmed with this sense of relief in knowing that he can still please him this way.

Things do not move as slowly for them as they usually would, their movements rushed by the pent up desire that’s been overlooked for this extended amount of time. It isn’t long at all before Frank feels himself nearing his climax, moaning at the ceiling as he rocks himself over Gerard, guided by Gerard’s tight grip on his hips.

Frank surges forward, pressing his palms into Gerard’s chest. Gerard looks blissed out beneath him, his head turned to the side and hair clinging to his cheek and temple.

Frank suddenly halts his movements and rolls off of Gerard and onto his back. Gerard turns to face him, eyes wide and panting. He looks absolutely bewildered. Frank ends his confusion by tugging his shoulder, maneuvering him until he’s settled warm and heavy over Frank.

“I love being under you like this,” Frank whispers, eyes steady on Gerard’s. “Feeling your body on me when your weight gives out.”

Frank’s almost embarrassed to be speaking so intimately again, like they just jumped from being in a new relationship to doing this. Gerard doesn’t give him much time to dwell on it, because he’s biting on his shoulder gently as he eases back in, regaining an uncoordinated but speedy rhythm.

Gerard’s breaths are loud and fast in Frank’s ear. Just as Frank’s orgasm hits him hard, convulsing through his body, he feels something warm and wet against his neck. Too caught up in the intensity of his climax, he pays it no mind, groaning breathily into Gerard’s hair.

Gerard follows just seconds later, one hand still between himself and Frank, the other digging into Frank’s forearm. Frank sighs when Gerard pulls out and he nudges the side of Gerard’s head with his chin, wanting to look at him, but Gerard is adamant about keeping his face buried against Frank’s neck.

Frank furrows his eyebrows when he hears a strangled intake of breath and tries pushing Gerard away so he can look at him. Gerard tenses and Frank can clearly hear a sniffle then.

“Gerard?” he says slowly, using his hand to move Gerard’s face away from him. “G-Gerard are you crying?”

The tears staining Gerard’s cheeks are clearly visible, Frank holding Gerard’s shoulders so that he can’t curl in and hide from Frank. He’s still struggling, though, hanging his head in a useless attempt to hide the obvious.

“What’s wrong?” Frank asks in such a softly spoken voice that it only entices more tears out of Gerard. “Come on, talk to me, please. Why are you crying?”

A short sob escapes Gerard and his body shakes for only a moment against Frank before he’s pulling away and retreating to the bathroom, Frank reaching and calling out to him. The bathroom door slams shut, echoing in the empty and silent room.

Frank runs two hands through his hair, his scalp still wet with sweat from the sex they just had. He groans and falls back against the messy sheets, pressing his palms against his face.

He feels so… empty, emptier than every one-sided conversation they’ve had, every awkward silence that he’s had to suffer through, because he had felt so much hope about things getting better, more permanently this time. They were finally able to get intimate after such a long period of absolutely nothing, and Frank had felt so good. He thought Gerard did too, but apparently not, since Gerard is in the bathroom crying.

Frank had always told himself that he would not pressure Gerard into talking about things if he was not ready and he had upheld this for almost a month now. It’s gotten out of hand, though. Frank can’t imagine dealing with it for any longer, especially if it means having these very short-lived moments of Gerard being okay followed by these moments that drag Frank lower than he has ever felt.

Leaving without saying anything to Gerard is far too heartless for Frank, so he cleans himself off, gets dressed, packs his things, and then sits on the edge of the bed. He loses track of how long he waits for Gerard, staring aimlessly at his luggage, thinking about how their relationship seems to have fallen apart entirely for reasons Frank cannot even begin to guess.

Gerard finally comes out, a towel wrapped around his waist, and face freshly washed even though it hasn’t done anything to subdue his reddened eyes and pink-tipped nose. He looks like he’s ready to rattle off some well-constructed excuses and explanations, when he sees Frank with his packed bag and stops short.

“You’re leaving?” Gerard asks immediately, voice hoarse from all the crying.

Frank nods. “And you can’t stop me this time, Gerard.”

Gerard swallows and takes a step closer to Frank. Only one step, and no more. “I know I’m being weird, Frank, but…I’m sorry, okay, tonight was just—”

Frank shakes his head, cutting Gerard off. “I don’t care about tonight. At this point, I honestly don’t.”

“Then why are you leaving?” Gerard asks.

Frank crosses his arms and looks to one of the walls, anywhere to avoid looking at the sad expression on Gerard’s face.

“It hasn’t just been tonight and you know it. A month, it’s almost been a fucking month of this… whatever it is.”

“I know,” Gerard says. He sounds so vulnerable and Frank shuts his eyes. He can’t give in again; he’s had enough. “I’m sorry, but—”

“You know you can’t keep saying sorry if nothing’s gonna change,” Frank says bitterly. He looks at Gerard this time, able to face him if he focuses on all the frustration he’s had to deal with. “I’m so fucking exhausted.”

Gerard opens his mouth to offer another apology, but instead says, “Please don’t leave like this.”

“You’re not stopping me this time. I-We need this. We need space, I guess, or whatever. When you’re ready to finally talk to me, call me and I’ll listen.”

“Please, Frank,” Gerard begs and he sounds hysterical, which pulls at every weak string Frank has. “You know I can hardly sleep without you next to me and-and I just really don’t want you leaving with how things are right now.”

Gerard keeps reaching out to Frank without closing the distance, knowing that he has no right to get near him. The utter fear in his voice is almost enough to make Frank hold him in his arms. For the sake of their relationship, he resists. He says nothing, simply shaking his head, and walking to the living room, suitcase in hand.

Gerard trails behind him, watching him with sad eyes. Frank opens the front door and pauses for a moment, waiting to see if Gerard has anything else to say.

Frank sighs and says, “Bye, Gerard.”

Gerard reaches out to him suddenly, holding him in the door’s opening. He has a hand over Frank’s neck, thumb stroking the skin he had been kissing not too long ago. “I’m sorry, just… where are you going to stay?”

“With my parents,” Frank answers simply. He’s keeping himself tense so that he does not give in to Gerard’s touch or his sadness.

“Text me when you get there?” Gerard asks. “Streets are dangerous this late on a Saturday, you know?”

Frank sighs again. “Yeah, okay.”

Gerard leans in to kiss Frank, careful not to cross any boundaries that he knows he’s created for himself.

“I love you,” he whispers. “And I swear I’ll get my shit together for you, Frank."

When he pulls back, Frank offers a weak smile, not allowing the tears in Gerard’s eyes to induce his own. “Good, I’ll be waiting.”

**

Frank loves his mom. They have an amazing relationship that far surpasses that of mother and son, but that does not mean that he is not counting each day that Gerard does not call. He’s sitting in his twin-sized bed, sweating even though he’s only in a t-shirt and boxers; this room is always the warmest no matter how cool the rest of the house is.

He’s just seconds away from complaining to Tanya about the condition he’s living in when he holds himself back. She has been giving him hell for a couple of reasons. One, for not talking to her about what was going on so that she could give him better advice that would have stopped him from having sex with Gerard and ending up at his parents’ place. Two, for really, “pulling this whole ‘I’ll wait till you’re ready’ bull shit, like how old are you guys really? You’re grown men.” He sucks it up, ridding himself of the pit-stained shirt he’s in, and breathing through the heat as well as the impatience.

It takes Gerard a whole week. If Frank is being completely honest, he is disappointed that it took so long. He had been hoping that actually leaving Gerard would push him to opening up a lot faster. He does not voice any of these complaints when Gerard texts him that he’s ready to talk. His reply is short and simple, saying he will be back home the next day.

Frank’s mom spends the entire day giving Frank what she likes to call pointers for having such meaningful and weighted conversations.

“You have got to be a good listener,” she instructs him over their nightly routine of having coffee and any leftovers found in the fridge. She has her wild curly hair in a messy bun atop her head, puffs of brown hair that were too short to be swept back poking out in various directions around her ears. “You two haven’t talked in a long time and you will have a lot to say about whatever he tells you, but you need to listen first.”

“I know,” Frank says, feeling nervous as they discuss it. “I’m just scared about what he has to say to me, you know? I don’t even let myself wonder because… I know I’ll come up with horrible stuff.”

“That’s for the best,” she says with a small nod. “I know how your mind goes, so keep it quiet.”

“No promises, but I’m trying, Mama.” Frank takes a deep inhale of his cigarette, grateful that his mom has let him smoke inside since she knows how stressed out he is.

Talking to Gerard is not something Frank ever thought he’d be nervous about doing, but the following day, there he is in their empty apartment, chain smoking like his life actually depends on it.

When Gerard finally walks in through the front door, the strong smell and suffocation of nicotine is the first thing to greet him. The dim lamp is on, illuminating Frank’s small figure resting in the armchair as well as the haze of smoke drifting lazily throughout their apartment. Frank angles himself so he’s turned to see Gerard. Gerard had distracted himself from the inevitable conversation he was going to have with Frank, but now it is at the forefront of his mind, as strong as his desire for the cigarette between Frank’s lips. Gerard’s eyes are fixated on it as it lights up but his momentary distraction is put out when Frank pulls it away from his lips and lets the smoke rush out of his mouth.

“Hey, Gerard,” he says, voice heavy with the smoke still falling out of his mouth.

“You started smoking again?” Gerard says the first thing that comes to mind and cringes short after.

“Oh,” Frank says, reaching over to the ashtray on the coffee table and putting out what was left of the cigarette. “Sorry, I know we said to smoke outside if either of us starts again.”

“No, no.” Gerard waves his hand around. “It’s, uh, it's totally fine.”

Gerard knows Frank only picks up smoking again whenever he has too much stress weighing him down. It’s been awhile, and last time he went back was because of work, but this time Gerard knows it’s his fault. He’s been the sole cause of Frank’s stress lately, so he will definitely not be the one to put limits on when and where Frank can smoke.

Frank says nothing since he already got rid of it, so Gerard sits on the sofa adjacent to Frank. Keeping a distance and leaving Frank to decide where boundaries are is probably best. They sit in silence for a moment.

Frank takes Gerard in, noticing that he has lost a bit more weight. This is most obvious in how prominent his cheekbones have become. Even his calves are looking scrawny in the khaki shorts he has on. He’s staring at his hands as he wrings them nervously, but Frank does not rush him into speaking.

Gerard clears his throat and looks up, catching Frank staring at him. “Uh, okay, so…” Gerard’s voice shakes slightly. “So when we met for the first time, me and you, I had just lost someone like a year before that. Someone really important to me… and it still hurts till this day. The month of May has become hard to handle. Every year around this time, I just hurt a lot. I try not to, but every time I remember the day, it hurts. I guess I’ve been able to hide it from you all this time, but since we’re living together, there was nowhere for me to hide.”

Frank is quite shocked that this is the reason and has no idea how to react now that he finally has what he wanted. He continues staring at Gerard, who is looking down again. Frank feels horrible that Gerard still feels so saddened by what happened, but he is confused as to why Gerard never talked to him about it. They had dealt with grief together before, closest to home when Frank lost his grandmother.

“I’m sorry,” Frank says and he hopes the sincerity in his voice is clear.

Gerard looks up with guilt in his eyes. “Don’t apologize. I should’ve been open with you about it from the beginning.”

Frank agrees heartily with him, but chooses not to voice this. Instead he asks, “Who was it?”

Gerard bites his lip and averts his eyes for the hundredth time; Frank wishes he would stop doing that. There is a long moment of tense silence before Gerard answers.

“Uh… Anthony.” Frank can see and hear Gerard’s struggle to say the name; it’s as though it got stuck halfway in his throat. “His name’s Anthony and he was my boyfriend before you.”

Frank had never expected that, or anything remotely similar, so he is absolutely dumbfounded. He has no idea what to say, what to do, what this all should mean to him, how he should react. Not knowing how to carry himself, he digs another cigarette out of the pack next to him, and lights up without looking at Gerard. He stares intently into the swirls of smoke.

“I’m sorry, I knew this would make things weird,” Gerard blurts in one breath, his voice catching briefly.

Frank snaps out of the haze he’s in by that little catch he hears. He leaves another unfinished cigarette in the ashtray and rushes over to Gerard, wrapping a comforting arm around his shoulders. Regardless of who Anthony was and what had happened between Gerard and Frank because of him, Gerard is hurting and still grieving, and Frank can’t just sit there and watch.

Gerard breaks down as soon as Frank sits next to him, curling up against Frank’s side. He’s always been weak to Frank’s warmth, so he can’t contain the silent cries shaking through him. Gerard tries to speak, but only weak choked sounds come out. Frank shushes him and rubs a hand up and down his arm, using the other to hold Gerard’s trembling hands in his.

Even through the tears and overwhelming heartache at that moment, the strongest thing Gerard feels is his love for Frank. It amazes him that Frank is there and doing his best to comfort Gerard after the way Gerard has behaved towards him.

“It shouldn’t still hurt this much, you know?” Gerard manages to say, voice wobbling and nose sniffling as he speaks.

Frank shakes his head and runs a hand through Gerard’s hair. He knows nothing about the situation, but that doesn’t matter. His main concern for the time being is getting Gerard through this. “It never really stops hurting, it’s okay.”

Gerard finally sits up and away from Frank, but keeps his hand wrapped tightly around Frank’s. His eyes are red and his cheeks are still glistening faintly from the tears. Seeing Gerard cry is not a sight Frank wants to get accustomed to; it truly breaks his heart every single time.

“You should be mad at me,” Gerard says, rubbing his nose with his free hand.

“You’re opening up now, there’s nothing to be mad about,” Frank retorts quickly, anger having been driven out of his mind.

Gerard’s lips pucker into a crooked little pout. “But I kept a secret from you.”

“Gerard,” Frank says with a sigh. He squeezes Gerard’s hand and looks directly into his reddened eyes. “You do not need to tell me all your secrets and all the stuff from your past. I have no right to be mad at things like that. But you do need to let me be here for you, that’s it.”

Gerard actually smiles at that, which deeply satisfies Frank. He leans forward abruptly and catches Frank’s lips in an unexpected kiss. Gerard makes it last, sliding his fingers into Frank’s hair; they just rest there, not gripping. When he pulls back, his hand runs down to Frank’s neck.

“I love you so fucking much,” he breathes and Frank is shaken with the intensity behind it. Hearing those words is nothing new, but hearing them in this setting, and with all that they had been through so far… Frank can’t even begin to explain the pleasant turning in his stomach.

“I love you, too,” Frank says with a small smile. “How about some coffee in bed?”

Gerard grins at the mention of their tradition and agrees without question. They’re both quite unsure of when and how this ritual of talking things out in bed with coffee began. All they can think about, though, is the aura of ease between them as they reengage in some familiarity. Gerard leans against the counter while Frank makes a mug for each of them, and then they make their way into the bedroom, each with a steaming cup in hand. They don’t exchange words as they get settled, but for once in a very long time, the silence isn’t suffocating.

They sit there for a comfortable moment, backs resting against the headboard, shoulders touching, and silently sipping at their drinks. Gerard remembers that this became a tradition not long after they moved in. As soon as their arguments drew out too long, they made some coffee, sat in bed, and talked things out.

“How did this start becoming a thing for us?” Gerard asks, lifting his coffee cup to gesture to this unspoken tradition.

Frank smirks from behind the rim of his mug. “I figured if we make up in bed, it would automatically mean we get to have awesome make up sex. I mean I totally got into relationships just for the makeup sex.”

Gerard laughs and Frank joins him. When their laughter dies out, Gerard slips his hand into Frank’s, both warm from the drinks they’re holding.

Gerard takes a deep breath and asks, “Do you wanna know more about what happened?”

“Only what you’re comfortable telling me.”

“We’d been together for about five years.” Gerard’s voice is small and Frank watches him carefully, making sure he is fine to talk about things in more detail. “When he, uh, passed away, we weren’t talking. We’d gotten into this dumb argument and, well, we hadn’t made up yet, so…”

Gerard pauses, a look of pain on his face as he struggles to continue.

“Hey,” Frank says, squeezing his hand. “You don’t have to tell me anything you don't feel comfortable talking about.”

Gerard turns to face Frank, tears in his eyes. He smiles gratefully and kisses Frank.

“Thank you, Frank.” He pauses to kiss him again, keeping his pecks quick and brief. “Thank you so much for being so… you know, always so understanding. I’m usually thrown off for a little while by the anniversary of his death, but this time it lasted so much longer because I felt so guilty for hiding things from you and I didn’t know what to do, so I just got worse and worse. And I just-I lost myself.”

“Everything’s okay now,” Frank assures him.

They finish their coffee and talk about their time apart while Frank was at his parents’ place.

“You honestly can’t ever leave again because being alone fucking sucks, and I didn’t move in with my boyfriend to be alone again,” Gerard rants. “Oh, and I’m sleepy as fuck.”

Frank laughs as Gerard points out the dark circles around his eyes, exaggerating just how bad they really are.

“I won’t, trust me,” Frank promises. “I mean having my mom feed me is awesome, but there’s no such thing as privacy back home, you know?”

Gerard hums and they have a brief moment of silence. Gerard squeezes Frank’s hand in his, causing him to look up. Gerard looks into Frank’s eyes with nothing but love, relaxing Frank’s mind entirely. Frank has endured an emotionally vacant Gerard for far too long.

Gerard leans in for a brief kiss, only seconds longer than their last. The mood still feels strange after everything they talked about, so things don’t advance further than that. Exhaustion overtakes both of them so they settle beneath the covers to sleep properly. Neither had slept as well as they usually would in the past week, so they’re craving a full night’s rest in each other’s arms.

The following day, Frank wakes up and Gerard’s already left to work. He must admit that he’s a bit disappointed that Gerard didn’t go back to his routine of waking Frank up with coffee, but he doesn’t allow himself to linger on it; it isn’t important enough. Plus, Gerard is probably used to not doing it anymore.

Frank only has a few more days of the quarter before summer school starts, and his shift consists of finalizing reports on students and making sure all the files are organized as they should be.

Frank finds his thoughts centered around Anthony, which is strange because he knows he shouldn’t be. He realizes, though, on his drive to work that he was so busy comforting Gerard the day before, he neglected to acknowledge his own feelings, and especially his curiosity. There’s no denying that he wants to know a lot more about Anthony, from how he looked, to the kind of relationship he had with Gerard, and maybe even how different or similar he was to Frank.

When he gets to work, he drives these curiosities out of his mind in favor of catching up with Tanya on her relationship, as well as catching her up on his.

“She’s basically like ignoring her parents to keep things going with me,” Tanya tells him while they sort through their students’ files together. “I mean, she should probably confront them soon ‘cause if she doesn’t, shit’s gonna be weird and then fall apart eventually, but whatever. I’m just going with the flow.”

“You know I’m totally not about pressuring people,” Frank says, pausing to read carefully over one of the student’s objectives. “But you should get her to actually confront her parents instead of ignoring it. It’s better like that in the long run.”

“Yeah, I get you.” Tanya pushes her stack of completed reports aside and folds her arms on the desk. “So what’s new in your soap opera of a life?”

Frank fixes her with a momentary stare, knowing that she’s changing the subject so that they do not have to discuss her issues any further. She ignores him and waits for an update.

“Well he opened up,” Frank begins, giving up on the waiting game. Tanya always wins. “Turns out he’s been distant because apparently he can't handle himself around the anniversary of his ex’s death.”

Tanya’s eyes widen and she whistles through her teeth. “Ouch, that’s heavy. They were still together?”

“Mhm.” Frank nods. “And they weren’t talking at the time that he died, so…”

“Even heavier,” she breathes. “How are you dealing with that?”

“How am I supposed to?” he asks, genuinely wondering. Last night, he was fine, but this morning, he’s feeling doubtful. “I mean, I thought I was okay with it, but I honestly don't know. It all seems so weird to me now.”

“It was a huge thing to have dropped on you,” Tanya says. “You’ve gotta give yourself time to really think about it, and see how things go with you guys. It’s been like a month of you two having issues ‘cause of this ex; it’s not a small thing to either of you.”

“Exactly.” Frank’s just holding a paper in his hand, staring at Tanya and taking in every word she says.

“That’s totally not what I was thinking he would tell you,” Tanya admits.

“Shit, who could have predicted that?” Frank goes back to scanning over reports. “What did you think, though?”

“An affair, maybe,” she says simply.

Frank’s eyes snap up to look at her. “You thought he was cheating on me and didn’t tell me??”

“What if I was wrong? Which I was.”

“Still…”

“You never thought that?” she asks.

“No, I…” Frank pauses. Truth be told, all the signs were pointing to an affair. The sudden distance, the unwillingness to talk, the repeated failed attempts at making things better. “I guess I was too worried about him to actually accuse him of anything.”

Tanya goes onto tease him about her theory that he’s going to die because he’s too busy helping someone else to save himself. She can’t bother him too long, because eventually their boss comes in and assigns her to another task.  

When Frank drives home, he’s still thinking about Anthony. He keeps telling himself not to because he can feel it bringing his mood down. He should be happy that he and Gerard have finally made up, especially since Gerard texted him not to eat so that they could go out for dinner.

Gerard looks marginally happier, greeting Frank at the door with a kiss and then ushering Frank to the room so he could get dressed. Seeing Gerard smiling and being absolutely chipper, Frank feels guilty for all the upsetting thoughts he’s been having.

Frank succeeds in getting rid of his queries on Anthony for the night, enjoying the dinner that Gerard treats him to. Their night flows wonderfully, talking and laughing over their meal as though nothing had happened in the past month. Frank indulges in every smile or laugh they share, the occasional squeezes Gerard gives Frank’s hand across the table, and more than anything else, the ease radiating between them. They finally feel okay again.

About four days pass with things unchanging. The mood between Frank and Gerard is still great, and Frank’s wandering thoughts on Anthony are as rampant as ever. He’s been doing well when it comes to ignoring them, but now that he has a short vacation from work and he has the entire day with nothing to do, it isn’t as easy.

Since Frank is off of work until summer school starts, he’s been keeping himself busy with cleaning. It keeps the house uncluttered and his mind off of Anthony. Subconsciously, however, his tidying up leads him to a chance at possibly exploring the pestering questions he has about Anthony.

There is a huge section of shelves that they use for storage and, among other things that belong to them both, there are two boxes filled with Gerard’s old art and “sentimental stuff” as he puts it. Frank has never had an inclination to look through the boxes, and he figured he would be with Gerard if he ever did, but there he is squatting on the living room floor with no one else in sight. He flips through various papers, scanning quickly for Anthony’s name on any of them, various knick knacks, and then stops at a thick photo album at the bottom.

The album is old and battered, the spine barely keeping it intact. He has seen almost all the photos in there, though, and recognizes most of the people he sees, so he knows Anthony isn’t in any of them. He just wants to see his face to satisfy some strange inquisitiveness inside him.

Finding nothing in this album, he moves onto a smaller and newer one. This one is filled with photos of Frank and Gerard together. Frank forgets his motive for a moment, smiling as he flips through pages of photographs. There are some of them when they were still just friends at Guitar Center, and others that are more recent with them at family gatherings. In a majority of the photos, Frank and Gerard have these wide and genuine grins on their faces that truly encapsulate the happiness they have created together. He feels so guilty then and immediately puts everything back where he found it. A mature and practical way of finding out more about Anthony would be to ask Gerard, rather than this sneaky tactic.

Frank receives an email from one of his students in which she asks for his opinion on choosing the right college, so Frank takes the time to create informational packages as he has done for other high school seniors he works with. One of the duties he has at work is college advising, so he occasionally does it even without pay.

Gerard comes home and finds Frank next to their bed, on his knees and bent over a neatly assorted pile of papers. He has music playing loudly so he doesn’t even notice Gerard walking in since his back is towards the door.

Gerard sneaks up behind him and trickles his fingers up the revealed skin of Frank’s hip. Frank jumps and tenses at the sudden touch, but then relaxes when he sees Gerard smiling over his shoulder. He reaches for the nightstand to turn down the music and then sits back, Gerard’s hands still on his hips.

“Welcome home, you sneaky fuck.” Frank smiles and turns his head for a kiss.

“I couldn’t resist,” Gerard says with a laugh, squeezing the flesh of Frank’s hips. Frank giggles and swats at his hands. Gerard kisses Frank’s neck and then looks down at the piles of papers. “What are you up to?”

“Making some college packages for one of my students,” Frank says, scanning over them. “She got accepted into so many that she still can’t choose where to go.”

Gerard hums and hooks his chin over Frank’s shoulder. “You’re such a nice fucking person, you know that?”

Frank always shies away from Gerard’s compliments because he can always tell that they are sincere and not just a form of flattery.

“It’s just an extended part of my job,” Frank says, shrugging.

“Still nice.” Gerard moves away from Frank’s back and sits next to him. “Need some help finishing up? I brought us dinner.”

“Yeah, can you help me paperclip each stack?” Frank moves the container of paperclips closer to Gerard and they get each college’s information grouped together. Once that is done, Frank puts them in an envelope that he will mail out to the girl tomorrow.  In the meantime, Gerard changes out of his work clothes.

They sit in the living room, eating the Chinese food that Gerard brought home. While the TV plays in the background of their casual conversation, Frank works himself up to mentioning Anthony. When they finish their food and sit back in each other’s arms, Frank promises himself to speak up during the next commercial break. The show they’re watching is some cheaply produced sci-fi program that they’re both not too thrilled about, but Frank is using it as time to stall. It’s hard to ignore the impending conversation with Gerard’s fingers casually strumming against Frank’s thigh.

As soon as the TV cuts to commercial, Frank begins planning out ways to delve into the topic. He mentally rehearses a few opening lines, but before he can even open his mouth, Gerard’s turned his head to face him and is mouthing at Frank’s neck with an obvious purpose. Gerard moves fast, his hand that’s on Frank’s thigh moving up to toy with his belt buckle. Frank forces his thoughts on Anthony to the back of his mind, because now is not the time, especially with the way Gerard’s panting heavily over the skin he’s licking and biting.

Frank breathes out a small moan, angling his neck to urge Gerard forward. He has absolutely no will to resist. Gerard stands up and pulls Frank with him, walking them to the room; he’s got that sultry look on his face that needs no further explanation.

Gerard takes the lead, sitting Frank down on the edge of the bed and working him out of his shirt and then pants. He lays Frank down and kisses over the tattoos littering his upper body. Frank tries to grab at him, to move him up and actually kiss him, but Gerard pins his hands to the bed.

Frank eventually grows restless with Gerard mouthing just above his boxer’s waistband and wrestles out of Gerard’s grip.

“I’m gonna make you feel good,” Gerard speaks softly, grabbing Frank’s wrists again. “All you have to do tonight is sit back and enjoy.”

Frank groans and lets his head fall back, doing as he’s told. They’ve had sex already since they made up, but this is different. Gerard goes about everything so slowly, making every move ten times more sensual than it usually is, and Frank feels overwhelmed.

Everything Gerard is doing should make Frank feel amazing – it does – but as much as he hates to admit it, Frank’s mind is not entirely there. It’s still lingering on the conversation they should have had already.

The two of them are left panting after they’ve finished. They lay on their sides, Gerard curled against Frank’s back, his thumb caressing Frank’s hip.

“That was… unexpected,” Frank says. Gerard really took the time to draw out every sensation and make it last. Frank feels exhausted from the intensity of his orgasm. “I’m totally not complaining, though.”

Gerard smiles and kisses the shell of Frank’s ear. “I needed to show you how much I appreciate you being so understanding and amazing through everything I've put you through. I’m so damn lucky.”

Frank’s guilt makes a strong comeback, reminding him that he was sneaking around for information on Anthony not too long ago. All this time, he’s been putting up a front about how understanding he is, so what Gerard is grateful for is a complete lie. It’s all overwhelming and lodged securely in his chest. He kisses Gerard’s hand and then holds it over his own heartbeat, choosing to remain silent.

“You’re not gonna get up to clean off?” Gerard asks after they lay there for quite some time. Frank is usually really fussy about getting clean after sex, even though Gerard couldn’t care less.

Frank simply shrugs and rolls over to face Gerard, kissing him. He wraps an arm around Gerard’s neck and presses his forehead against Gerard’s chest. Gerard is not at all one to pick up on subtle signs and is normally oblivious to these things, but he’s sure something is wrong. It’s beyond obvious through Frank’s out of character actions.

“Is everything okay?”

To hear this question come from Gerard is a surprise. Frank learned early on in their relationship that if he didn’t directly tell Gerard that something is wrong, he would never figure it out. Frank has no intention of keeping things from Gerard – this has never been a tactic of his – but he needs a moment to gather his thoughts so that he can express himself clearly, without getting too emotional and distorting what he’s trying to say. He holds the position he is in, tightening his grip on Gerard’s neck.

Gerard gently pulls Frank’s face up so that he is looking at him. He can see it clear as day that something is bothering Frank.

“Is everything okay?” Gerard asks again.

Frank cannot hold things in much longer, so he offers Gerard an obviously forced smile and says, “Coffee?”

Gerard is definitely worried by that, knowing that there is something Frank wants to talk about, but he smiles back and nods.

Frank gets out of bed, cleans himself off, and puts on a pair of sweats. He goes to the kitchen to make coffee, and Gerard stays behind, giving him some time to think about whatever it is they need to talk about. Frank is grateful for that, needing a moment alone to brace himself. He’s always had a hard time talking about his feelings, and in this case it’s magnified, because he feels insensitive for being bothered by something that has been hurting Gerard for so long.

When Frank goes back to the room with two mugs in hand, Gerard is clean and dressed, sitting up against the headboard. He maintains a smile, doing his best to keep Frank comfortable. Frank gives Gerard his coffee and then sits beside him

“If make-up sex is supposed to happen after this, I’m gonna need a couple more hours,” Gerard says to break the tension. They’ve been quiet for a while, awkwardly sipping their drinks to mask the silence.

Frank wants to laugh, to assist Gerard in easing the ambiance, but all he could muster up is a half-hearted hum and an inkling of a one-sided smile. The awkward silence becomes too much to bear, so Frank takes a deep breath and blurts out what he needs to say.

“I’ve been thinking about, um, Anthony since you told me about him,” Frank admits straightforwardly.

Gerard’s eyes widen from hearing Frank utter his name. It’s so surreal and strange, like Frank and Anthony have been from two different worlds, two entirely separate fragments of Gerard’s life, and now they’ve collided.

“What have you been thinking about exactly?” Gerard asks after gathering himself from that shock of reality.

“I don’t ever want you to feel pressured to tell me anything, but I guess I actually wanted to know a lot about him… and you. Your relationship and what happened, and I don’t know why I’m so curious, but I am.”

Frank looks at Gerard and sees that he’s staring down solemnly, focused on his coffee.

“I understand,” is all Gerard says and Frank cringes at the sadness in his voice.

“You really don’t have to, though,” Frank quickly adds. “I know all of it still hurts, and you don’t have to tell me. I just wanted you to know that’s what I’ve been thinking about.”

Gerard lets out a long sigh. “No, it’s okay. You put up with me being so out of it, so you have every right to be curious.”

Gerard sets his coffee down and puts his arm out to Frank, so Frank does the same and leans into Gerard, tucked securely against his side, with Gerard’s hand running down his back. Gerard rests his chin against Frank’s head and takes a second to gather his thoughts.

“Basically we had this huge fight because, uh, Anthony finally saved up enough to move out into this small studio. We used to always talk about moving in together as soon as we could and we had all these plans, but when it was actually happening… I didn’t feel like I was ready to make that decision. I mean, I was twenty one years old, barely trying to figure myself out, and thinking about actually going to college, so that decision scared me. He got really upset, though, saying he felt rejected. He even said I’d broken a promise in a way, which was true, I had. We hadn’t talked for a few days after we argued, and I didn’t like it, so I called him to apologize and fix things, but we ended up arguing again. When we hung up, he was fuming. And later, in the middle of the night, his mom called me to tell me that he was in the hospital because he’d gotten into an accident and he wasn’t looking too good. By the time I got there, though…” Gerard pauses and Frank doesn’t dare look up at him; the sorrow in his voice hurts enough, he can’t even imagine his face. “It was too late.”

Gerard ran into the emergency room’s waiting area, his eyes brimming with worried tears. He found Anthony’s mother, Doris, already there, among strangers who looked only marginally sick. Gerard’s attention, though, was focused entirely on Doris’s bloodshot eyes and pained face. He thought the worst, but he told himself it was nothing. He ignored Doris, not wanting to hear whatever she had to tell him, and attempted to run down one of the halls, even though he had no idea where to go. Doris was quick to stop him, a firm grip on his arm holding him back.

“Don’t tell me,” he said with a gasp, stopping to face her.

Doris shook her head and looked down, her eyes filling with tears again. No matter how much she cried, they would not stop. Gerard felt hysterical with the realization and he tried to pull away from her, to go see Anthony. He could not leave Gerard with the way things were between them. He couldn’t.

Gerard did not even recognize the sobs coming out of himself as he tried to get away from Doris. She managed to be persistent about keeping him there, but calm in comforting him.

“Calm yourself down, Gerard,” she said, her shaking voice betraying her. “He’s gone, and it won’t-this won’t do us any good.”

“But I wasn’t with him!” Gerard yelled, covering his face with his hands. He wanted to shut the world out. This couldn’t be happening. It couldn’t. “You were with him! You got to be with him and I wasn’t! He can’t go like this! He can’t! Let me see him before he goes! Let me tell him I’m sorry.”

Gerard broke down on the last word, crumbling in her arms. He fell to his knees and she went with him, cradling him in her arms as though he was the child she’d lost. She had nothing to say, no words to comfort him, so she held him tight, knowing that that was all she could offer at this point.

“I’m sorry,” he kept repeating, shaking his head against Doris’s shoulder. His body was trembling just as much as his voice. “I’m so sorry, I am, I’m sorry.”

All the strangers in the room turned their faces away from the scene, giving them as much privacy as they could during their moment of grief.

For weeks after, Gerard did absolutely nothing. He locked himself away from everyone, crying every time he so much as tried to speak to anyone. His mother and Mikey had to force him to eat, and even when they did, it was hardly anything. He had gone to the funeral, but couldn’t get through the whole thing because he knew he couldn’t manage to stand there without lurching at the coffin as they lowered it into the ground. Mikey guided him away and no one questioned it. All of Anthony’s family and friends knew who Gerard was to Anthony, knew how he was taking it, so they all understood.

Mikey and Gerard watched the rest of the funeral from a distance. Gerard stood at a stranger’s tombstone, pretending that the freshly dug grave in the distance belonged to a stranger as well. He kept telling himself that he and Anthony’s fight was so severe that Gerard would never see him again. It was not because he was dead; it was because he left town. That was the reason.

He knew it wasn’t true, though. The denial hardly lasted for a minute, even though he did his all to convince himself.

“I’d basically camped out in my room after that,” Gerard says, his mind flooded with painful memories. He could not get himself to recall details to Frank, so he told what he could manage. “Mikey forced me out a couple of times, but I’d kind of gotten so withdrawn that I honestly couldn’t even socialize or anything like that, and Mikey could only do so much, you know? My mom forced me to go to therapy for like a month, but it didn’t do anything for me so I stopped, even though she gave me hell for it.

“After maybe three months, his mom came to see me. I couldn’t even cry anymore at that point. She told me that she and her husband were moving to Utah to be with the rest of their close family, and she wanted to say goodbye. She looked better than the last time I'd seen her. She’d lost a lot of weight, yeah, but she looked healthier… like maybe she’d actually let herself smile and laugh a few times. When she hugged me, she told me to stop torturing myself, that she’d starved herself for a week and was rushed to the emergency room because of how dehydrated she was. She was in the hospital bed when she realized that… Anthony would have been so mad at her for it. He would have yelled and gone crazy to see her letting what happened ruin her. So she was picking herself back up again for him and told me that I needed to do the same. I promised I’d try, but I didn’t think I ever could. I was so jealous of how strong she was, but… I felt like I was justified because we weren’t on good terms when everything happened. I didn’t get to see him right before, or say goodbye, or anything. She did. I know that was a dumb way to think, but…

“Well, anyways, a week later, I looked at some pictures of us, read old emails and letters we used to exchange randomly, basically cried out what I had left, you know? And I finally decided to take her advice ‘cause she was absolutely right. It wasn’t easy. I got a few jobs and lost every single one ‘cause I’d have these random times where I lost focus and motivation and I’d get fired for slacking. Guitar Center was the first job to actually stick, and the only reason it did is because I opened myself up to you and then everyone else working there. Even if I wasn’t totally honest and everything, I let you in and that pretty much helped me bounce back.”

Gerard’s eyes had welled up a little while he recalled what he could to Frank. Frank sits up to look at him and holds his hand.

“I’m so proud of you for being able to tell me all of that,” Frank says sincerely.

“Do you feel better?” Gerard asks. Frank is touched by the concern he shows for Frank, considering it’s Gerard who is feeling most of the pain.

Frank smiles and nods, kissing him. He urges him to get beneath the covers, and they instinctively wrap up in each other, both needing the closeness after delving into such personal and difficult memories. Frank keeps his hold on Gerard’s hand.

“Tell me about Anthony,” Frank says just as they begin to drift off. His curiosity is still unquenched.

“Didn’t I just tell you?” Gerard asks. He doesn’t sound annoyed at all, just questioning, which makes Frank feel at ease about his request.

“No, not like what happened.” Frank scoots back a bit, his hand still in Gerard’s, so that he can see his face clearly. “I wanna know more about him as a person. How he was… I guess compared to me?”

Gerard looks a bit distraught to hear this, so Frank shrugs and adds, “I’m curious to know more about him because he’s important to you.”

“Are you sure?” Gerard asks wearily. He’s not entirely sure if he’s more concerned for Frank or himself.

Frank nods, so Gerard begins thinking about what he can tell Frank about Anthony.

“In some ways, he’s kind of like you, and in others he’s not,” Gerard begins, looking over Frank’s shoulder at noting in particular. “You’re both really stubborn, but your stubbornness is different. Like Anthony can’t see an argument all the way through to the end ‘cause he gets so frustrated and he won’t hear anyone out because of how stubborn he is. But you’re stubborn in the way that you won’t let an argument go until you’ve figured it out. You’re both neat freaks, but then again, I don’t know if I think that about everyone because everyone is cleaner than me.”

Gerard pauses and lets out a small laugh. Frank smiles.

“Oh, and he’s kind of like me with the way we both really suck at reading people’s emotions. I used to be so good at it, but now I suck, as you’ve obviously noticed. But you’re so good at figuring stuff out right away; he definitely isn’t. Oh and you guys are both sarcastic, except he’s the quiet guy that you have to get to know to see his sarcasm, but you’re just sarcastic from the moment you meet someone.”

“Like the way I first hit on you?” Frank jokes, recalling the mom joke he used to get Gerard’s attention.

“Exactly.” Gerard laughs. He has a soft smile on his face when he continues. “You know you guys have all these little similarities, but then differences in these similarities? If that makes sense. But the one thing you guys have in common is how much you love the people that are important to you. When you guys love someone, you give your all to them. You both give your all to me, but I can never give back the same. After everything he did for me, he just wanted me to move in with him like I’d promised. If I had asked him, he would have done it. I fail him with stuff like that, and I sometimes I fail you by being distant and pushing away even though you’re totally open with me.”

“Shut up, don’t say that,” Frank says, leaning in to kiss him before he interjects with an argument. “You don’t fail anyone, not me or Anthony. And I don’t know what you’re talking about because you love like an idiot, too. You love with all your heart and that’s what I love about you.” Frank hesitates to voice his next thought, but goes for it. “And I’m sure that’s what Anthony loved, too.”

He’s scared of Gerard’s reaction and tenses up, but it easily puts a real smile on Gerard’s face, so Frank relaxes right away.

“Are you good?” Frank asks.

Gerard nods. His smile does not look forced at all. “I guess it’s not as scary as I thought.”

“I’m glad you think so.”

They lay there together and Frank holds Gerard in his arms to make sure he seems okay. Once he sees that all really is well with him, he scoots out of bed and says he needs a smoke break. Gerard nods, but notices that Frank takes his phone on his way out, which is a bit strange since he doesn’t take long to smoke, but decides not to say anything, shrugging it off as insignificant.

Frank gets out to the balcony feeling like a fish out of water, which is not at all what he expected to happen after they finally talked things out. He takes a seat on one of the plastic chairs and calls his mother, knowing they both share a habit of staying up late.

“Late night, tesoro?” she asks as soon as she answers. Frank already feels comforted by the sound of her voice.

“As usual, Mama,” he says. “How are you? Are you busy?”

“Don’t be dodgy with me,” she says, ignoring his questions. “Out with it. What’s happening?”

She already knows about Gerard’s ex because Frank told her the moment he got the chance, so he launches into updates on the current happenings.

“I’ve been curious about Anthony, you know? And it’s really been getting to me, so I finally talked to G about it and he opened up about what happened between them and told me more about him, but I feel worse than I did before and that wasn’t supposed to happen. It was supposed to finally get better. But I don’t think he’s even a little over the death at all.”

“Why do you say that?” she asks, worried by the nearly hysterical way Frank is ranting. “He’s with you now and you two have this amazing relationship together now. He must be over it a little for that much to happen.”

“Yeah, sure he’s with me, but he isn’t over it or him. I can tell.”

“You’re a smart boy, Frankie, but how could you possibly?”

Frank scrubs a hand over his face. “You remember when grandma died? How hard Dad took it? You remember how for, like, three months he would not talk about her in the past tense and we were all worried about that because it seemed like he didn’t wanna come to grips with it and every time you pointed it out to him, he got so defensive about it. And when it finally really hit him, he broke down all over again like he was fucking grieving for the first time. Because he had never really accepted it.”

He pauses and his mom is quiet, waiting patiently for him to go on.

“It’s been years, Mama,” Frank says, “and Gerard still talks about him in the present tense, like he still exists.”

His mom waits for a moment, before saying, “What if it isn’t anything to him? I know to your dad it was, but—”

“I know him,” Frank interrupts. “Every word that comes out of his mouth means something. I’ve figured that out about him over time. The present tense thing… it means something, even if it’s just subconscious.”

“What’s worrying you exactly? That he isn’t over it? Because you know better than me that it’s normal not to be, even if it’s been years, so I know this isn’t about that exactly.”

“I definitely don’t expect him to be over it, but if…” Frank can’t even get himself to say it because it sounds ridiculous in his head, much less out loud.

“I’m listening,” his mom says comfortingly. He thinks to himself that he definitely inherits his trait of being patient with people from her.

“If Anthony still exists to him, he still loves him just as much as he always did. And maybe… maybe he loves him more than me.”

All his mother can release in response is a sad sigh, so they both say nothing. He stares at the night sky, feeling so ashamed for being jealous of Gerard’s deceased ex. He wishes desperately that he could get rid of it all; he hates it.

“Ma?” he breaks the long silence.

“I dunno what to tell you, Frankie.”

Frank whines loudly, sounding so desperate that it really breaks her heart. She knows there really is no way she can help in this situation.

“Tell me what to do, Mama, please tell me how to get over all of this,” he begs.

“You know what my advice is in situations like this.”

Frank groans. “Not talk to him. Anything but that.”

“Whenever I complain about problems with your dad, that’s the only advice you give me,” she rebuts. “That’s all there is to do."

Frank scrubs repeatedly at his eyes and slouches down in his chair. They sit there on the phone together, but exchange no words. They do this often when he’s stressing over something. She can’t be there physically, but she’s there indirectly.

Once his nerves calm down, he sits up and says, “Thanks, Ma, get some sleep.”

“You, too, and let your mind rest awhile so you can actually put everything together and talk to Gerard.” He can practically hear that small comforting smile with the upturned eyebrows she always gives him.

They say their goodbyes and Frank hangs up. He goes back inside, sliding the door shut. When he emerges from behind the curtain, he yelps at the figure in the dimly lit kitchen. His heart is still racing even when he realizes it’s Gerard, holding a blanket and a lighter.

“I thought you might need your lighter, and it’s pretty cold out,” Gerard says, holding up the blanket and lighter, then letting them hang at his side.

Frank can tell he heard the phone call and he bites his lip, wondering just how much he heard. The dining table separates them, but neither makes a move to close the distance.

“I’m really sorry,” Gerard says.

“For what?” Frank asks.

Gerard shifts around on his feet, avoiding Frank’s persistent gaze. He barely audibly answers, “For still loving him.”

Frank feels as though those words echo throughout the kitchen, but it’s only in his head that he hears the words repeated over and over. He can’t decide what he’s feeling yet. Part of it is this deep sadness because Frank isn’t the only person Gerard loves and never will be, and the other part is guilt for being so absolutely selfish while Gerard is still grieving such a hard loss.

“I don’t know what to say to make this better,” Gerard says hesitantly.

Frank shakes his head, thinking to himself that there really is nothing to say or do about his persistent feelings, and neither can Gerard. Gerard waits for him to speak, but he doesn’t, and Gerard has no idea what to do then. Frank is always the one to speak, to take the initiative and make things better. Gerard has never known how to do it himself.

“Frank, would you please say something? Tell me what to do. What do you want me to do?’

Frank shakes his head again and Gerard steps closer to his side of the dining table. He places his hands on the back of one of the chairs.

“Talk to me,” he pleads. “Come on, you never do this, you never shut me out when there’s a problem. That’s not you.”

Frank literally cannot get himself to utter a word because he will cry if he does and he does not cry in front of anyone, especially not in a situation like this where Gerard is more vulnerable than he is.

“Are you giving up on this?” Gerard continues, being more adamant than Frank has ever seen him. There’s an edge of panic to his voice. “That’s not you. We were just talking about this, come on. You’re the one that never gives up. You sit there and figure it out for us, okay, Anthony is the one that walks away, not you.”

Those words slap Frank so hard and Gerard doesn’t even realize what he’s said until it’s already left his mouth. Frank’s eyes well up right away, and Gerard can see it clearly.

“Don’t compare me to him,” Frank croaks out, sadness and anger coating every word. It’s nothing remotely enough to encompass the painfully hollow feeling in his chest.

Gerard doesn’t have time to react or take his words back, because Frank storms out of the dining room. Gerard follows, of course, but Frank beats him to the bathroom, slamming the door shut.

Gerard scratches at his scalp, tugging nervously at his hair as he paces their bedroom. He feels so absolutely useless. He’s ruined everything again. It was his fault that things fell through with Anthony and now things are falling through with Frank. He groans loudly at the empty room at that thought because he’s doing it again. He’s comparing Frank to Anthony. He always knew it was unfair to do that, so why does he allow himself to continue doing it?

He takes a few deep breaths to subdue his current flurry of nerves and then takes a seat against the bathroom door. The only sound that Gerard hears is the rushing water of the sink.

A few minutes later, Frank opens the door and Gerard almost tips over, having zoned out a bit. Frank holds the door in place so that Gerard doesn’t fall over and Gerard comes to his senses, clumsily getting to his feet. Gerard opens his mouth to speak, but Frank cuts him off.

“Just… don’t say anything.”

Frank’s eyes are so red from crying and Gerard’s guilt eats him up. It’s such a difficult thing to see. Frank has always been the one who holds things together. Even when his grandma passed away, Frank only allowed himself to break down in front of Gerard once.

“We should let this sit for a while, see how we both feel after a few days of reflection or what the fuck ever.”

Gerard nods at the suggestion, agreeing. He has to; he owes Frank the utmost complacency. Since Frank says nothing, Gerard does the same and they both get into bed. Gerard lies down on his side to face Frank, but Frank turns his back to Gerard instead. Some tears may still escape and he will not give Gerard the chance to see them.

Gerard puts his hand on Frank’s shoulder, showing the smallest and least invasive form of affection, but Frank shrugs him away.

“Don’t,” he commands, so Gerard doesn’t.

The next morning, Frank wakes up to a gentle hand shaking his shoulder. He blinks his eyes open and sees a blurry Gerard standing by his bedside.

“Hey,” Gerard speaks gently. “Are you going into work or anything today?”

Frank hums, mind still half asleep. “Meeting at 9.”

“Okay, it’s 8:30 so you have some time, but I made you your coffee, so you can just get ready and leave.”

Frank responds with a distracted grunt and rubs at his eyes. Gerard offers one last pat on his shoulder before Frank hears him exit the room and then their apartment. Frank sighs and looks up at his nightstand. Frank’s travel mug that Gerard hasn’t used in over two months is there. Frank reaches out to touch it and can feel the warmth of the fresh coffee inside. An array of confused feelings courses through Frank. Gerard is trying to go back to his old routine. He is trying to make things normal again, but Frank feels like normalcy is far out of their reach at this point.

They go back to where they were less than two weeks ago: living together in sheer awkwardness and tension. This time, however, Frank is the one behind it. Part of the reason Frank is doing this is because he needs to give his feelings time to air out. He decides against going to his parents’ house in order to gauge whether or not he can handle being around Gerard. He has to see if the sadness he feels is enough to overshadow the fact that he still wants to be with Gerard, regardless of the onslaught of pain he may feel knowing who Gerard is comparing him to constantly. Another, much smaller part of Frank, wants Gerard to experience what Frank had to for such a long amount of time. He needs Gerard to understand and feel the pain of having your efforts hit a solid wall that would not waver in the least.

Gerard doesn’t give up. Every single day, Gerard makes Frank his cup of coffee, wakes Frank up before he leaves, and kisses him goodbye. Frank is never responsive, but Gerard never stops. He leaves his kisses on Frank’s forehead or his cheek, anywhere that he hopes will not cross the boundaries Frank has set.

Gerard’s perseverance undoubtedly touches Frank, despite the emotionless mask Frank keeps on. He remembers that both Gerard and Anthony, as Gerard informed him, had trouble reading people’s emotions enough to act upon them, but Gerard is reading Frank clearly and making sure to give Frank the perfect amount of space he needs.

For a couple of days, Frank was clearly stressed out. One of the tutors was out sick, so Frank had to take on that tutor’s students as well, which left him feeling mentally exhausted. Typically, Frank would have to tell Gerard or else he wouldn’t have noticed. Yet, one morning, after Gerard woke him up and left, Frank found a muffin alongside his coffee and a note in Gerard’s messy handwriting that read – “Hope everything’s ok. Don’t overwork yourself xo G.” Frank read the note repeatedly and couldn’t contain a smile. He was glad Gerard wasn’t there to see it.

It’s been six days. To Frank, it hasn’t felt long at all, but he knows that for Gerard, it’s dragged on and feels like months. He knows, because he’s been there before. It did take Frank awhile to realize that Gerard may not love Frank more than Anthony, but he does love Frank. Frank needs to be okay with that. Even if Gerard is still in love with Anthony, he is still here catering to Frank, doing his best to show Frank that he loves him. Anthony is inevitably present in Gerard’s mind, but so is Frank.

Around the middle of the following week, Frank spends his entire day really thinking about Gerard and how he has not given up on them yet. That night, they don’t talk after coming home from work. They each go about their activities individually as they have been. When they go to bed, however, Frank lays on his side and faces Gerard. Immediately, Gerard’s face lights up with hope, but not too much because Frank still looks contemplative, sad. Gerard’s making a conscious effort to read Frank clearly.

Frank takes a deep breath and says, “I want this to work again.”

“Me, too,” Gerard responds eagerly.

Frank can see that glimmer of hope in his eyes again. He allows himself to show a small smile and Gerard is so glad to see that expression directed towards him. It takes all he’s got not to breathe out a long sigh of relief.

“I can tell,” Frank says. “You’ve been trying.”

“Of course,” Gerard says. “I have to. I don’t wanna lose you.”

Frank’s smile falters slightly and he breaks their eye contact, staring off into space over Gerard’s shoulder. Gerard thinks about what he said, wondering why those words would have caused Frank to disconnect.

“Because it’s you,” Gerard decides to add, catching Frank’s attention again. “Not because I’ve been traumatized by losing… Anthony the way I did, but because I love you and I don’t want us to lose all of this that we’re trying to start together. This, right now, everything I’ve been doing has nothing to do with him, Frank. This is about you. I don’t want to lose you.”

Frank is touched to the point of speechlessness. He bites his lip and stares at Gerard’s sincere and determined face. Even though there is that unfaltering pause before Gerard utters Anthony’s name, Gerard is still not only acknowledging that he no longer has Anthony, but also directly tackling Frank’s core issue and saying it all with such earnestness.

Frank reaches out to place a hand on Gerard’s cheek. It feels like years since they last touched, aside from the one-sided and short-lived kisses Gerard gives Frank every morning. They both sigh softly at the affectionate contact.

“I want this to work,” Frank repeats, running his thumb along Gerard’s cheekbone that continues to become more and more noticeable with the amount of weight he keeps losing.

Gerard also repeats, “Me, too.”

“What if we can’t make it work?” Frank voices his concern. “What if we try but we always fall back into this weird thing? This whole living together but not really thing we’ve been doing. I don’t want this to happen again. I don’t want to go through all of this again. I can’t.”

Gerard tries to take Frank’s hand that’s resting on his cheek, but Frank pulls it back and runs it through his own hair, letting out a shaky breath.

“I won’t shut you out again,” Gerard promises. “I won’t do that to you. I know now, I understand. We can’t make shit work if one of us shuts the other out. I understand that now and I won’t do it again.”

“But—”

“Frank,” Gerard interrupts him. He runs a hand through Frank’s hair the same way Frank had, but more gently and with determination rather than doubt. He guides Frank’s face up so that he’s looking directly at him. “I’m going to try with everything I have to make things work.”

Gerard had no idea what to do at this point. He had basically begged to keep things together, even with all their problems, but Anthony was still at Gerard’s bedroom door, ready to leave.

“So you’re just gonna get mad and walk away then? Like always??” Gerard pushed, standing at the edge of his bed. The mattress pressed against the back of his knees felt like it was keeping him upright. He’d never felt this hopeless about their relationship before.

“Yes, Gerard, like fucking always! I don’t care, okay?? Do whatever you want!”

“I am!” Gerard exclaimed, trying to get those blue eyes to look up at him, but they were stubborn and wandering, much like their owner.

“It’s not working, don’t you get it??”

“Only because I’m trying alone! I keep trying and doing all I can, but I can’t do it alone. You need to work with me.” Gerard’s voice was small again. If he raised it any louder, he feared that his imminent tears would escape.

“I’m done trying, Gerard,” Anthony responded, shaking his head. He sounded completely resigned. That made Gerard’s knees tremble slightly. “Do it on your own.”

Anthony stormed out and Gerard let him leave. He could not chase him anymore. He was done running after someone who only knew how to forfeit. He had no idea that that was the last time he’d see Anthony alive. He just wished he could have looked into those blue eyes more intensely. 

Frank takes Gerard’s hand and smiles, sparking Gerard with hope again. Frank kisses Gerard’s knuckles and holds them to his lips for a moment while he gathers his thoughts. He trusts Gerard. He trusts him more than ever after seeing Gerard’s continuous efforts to keep their relationship afloat, even while Frank did nothing in return. He believes in their relationship again, and he wouldn’t let Gerard build it back up on his own.

Frank looks directly into Gerard’s eyes, clenching Gerard’s hand in his. “We’ll both try,” Frank promises him. “Together.”