Chapter Text
What an odd dream. June brushed the hair off her sweaty forehead and glanced at the clock on the nightstand: half past four. She got off the bed quietly, trying not to wake Luke, and sneaked into the adjacent bathroom. She turned on the night light and looked at herself in the mirror. She was still the same. Blond hair, blue eyes. Silk nightgown. But that dream felt so real. She was wearing a red dress and a huge white bonnet (what a weird thing to wear! she thought). She's never even seen anything like it before. It looked like a costume from a movie or a play. She frowned, trying to remember where she could have possibly seen anything like this, but her mind went blank. She turned on cold water and rinsed her face, trying to get rid of the lingering feeling the dream left. It was hard to describe what that feeling was even. It was like she was suffocating. Trapped. Forced into something she didn't want. Made feel dirty somehow. She washed her hands with soap and turned off the tap. It didn't help. The feeling stayed, but the dream itself was slipping away from her. She couldn't remember the details. She was walking around in her red dress. There were other women dressed the same, and some dressed in green dresses. They went grocery shopping. No, this can't be right. It doesn't make any sense. June turned off the light and returned to bed. It's just a weird dream. She probably won't even remember it when she wakes up next time.
The alarm went off at 8am. The dream was a haze, but the feeling was still there. Luke made breakfast, she woke up Hannah, they ate together and drove her to school. The usual morning routine. June hugged Hannah harder and longer than usual when they dropped her off. Hannah rushed to her friends, totally embarrassed by her mother, and June was left standing by the car, staring absent-mindedly into the distance. What was wrong with her today? Why is the stupid dream affecting her so much?
****
It came back a week after. The dream. First she was in a bathtub. Submerged herself in the water and looked at the light through the water. Hannah was there. Or not? She wore the red dress again. But there were other people. A man with a beard, a woman in a green dress. They were very cold and solemn and didn't talk much. She remembered getting onto a large bed between the women's legs and raising her skirt. The man came between her knees and unzipped his trousers. What happened after she couldn't explain even to herself. Why did they do it? Why did she allow it? She woke up feeling dirty again, like she was violated. What kind of a messed up dream is that? What was wrong with her to even have this kind of a dream?
"June?.. June?" the voice sounded a bit concerned, but also annoyed. June looked over at her colleague, Marianne. They were friends. Not like with Moira, but friendly.
"Sorry, what?" she had no idea what the woman as saying to her.
"What is going on with you today?"
"Nothing." she looked over at the manuscript laying on her desk in front of her. How long was she staring at the same page? She couldn't even remember what the book was about. "I just had this weird... dream. Can't get it out of my head."
"Oh wow, a sexy dream?" her friend smiled, more interested now.
"Well..." June wasn't sure how to answer. "Sorta. But not in a good way."
****
The dreams continued to come every month. Sometimes it was just about grocery shopping, a small room with a single bed, a closet full of red dresses. They seemed almost the same at first. Then she started to remember other details. Other women. A man. Dark hair, dark eyes. Brooding. Sinister. She didn't tell anyone about the dreams anymore. She didn't know how.
The bearded man didn't change and didn't talk. The woman was silent and sad and June could see desperation in her eyes every time they entered the room together. Their bedroom, it appeared. What was she doing there? Wasn't the woman his wife? It didn't make any sense.
The man with dark eyes started to appear more often as weeks went by. Sometimes he gave her a crooked smile that made her shiver. He seemed dangerous. Like a dark figure on the background. Always there. Always waiting. For what?
She almost got used to these dreams now. She thought about them a lot during the day though, wondering. Why was she dreaming these things? Who was the bearded man and his wife? Who was the handsome dangerous man? If felt as though she's seen them all before, like it was a deja vu rather than a dream really. Impossible.
****
That night she had a fight with Luke. Hannah was supposed to go away to the camp for the entire summer. This was all discussed, booked, paid and promised her months ago. But as the date kept getting close, June wanted to hug her daughter tight and never let go. How can she be without her baby for entire two and a half months? Hannah was excited. It was an art camp upstate, three hours drive from their home. Not too far. All her friends were going. There was no reason to back out of it now. Except June's anxiety over letting her go.
So they fought. He was right, of course. "We can't take this away from her." She was dreaming about this since Christmas.
June stormed out of the apartment, shutting the door loud as she left. Like she was a teenager. She couldn't express her feelings. She didn't have any more arguments. So she snapped. There was nothing else for her to do.
She wandered around the neighbourhood, got a decaf from the only coffeeshop that was still open this late and returned home close to midnight. Luke was sleeping. She washed up, slipped into her pyjamas and got into bed next to him. The thoughts kept swirling in her head, not letting her fall asleep. Why was she so worried? What can happen? Eventually, she fell asleep.
And the dream came. It was different this time. They were in a different place. Strange. Like a small studio. A simple kitchenette. A bed. A desk. Some books on a shelf. The woman. And the man with dark eyes. Why was he there? The bearded man was nowhere in sight. In the dream, June was nervious. Somehow, she knew what was about to happen. The man was here to do what the bearded man usually did. Rape her. And she was about to let him.
He felt different. Softer. The women stayed by the door and looked away. June looked him in the eyes as he moved between her legs. He looked apologetic. Like he didn't want to do it. This was new. Was it possible that he was a good man after all? She always felt uneasy and almost scared of him every time she saw him in her dream. Her heart would beat faster and she would wake up sweaty. But this time she saw him differently. His dark eyes, usually piercing her through from across the room or the yard, were gentle. Like he actually cared and knew that was he was doing was wrong. Or is she reading into it?
She jumped wide awake just as he finished inside of her. Her heart was beating fast and she was out of breath, like she was running. Luke turned over in bed as she pressed her sweating palm against her forehead, trying to calm down. Trying not to wake him she got up and went out of the bedroom into the living room. The soft moonlight was seeping through the curtains, so she could see where she was going as she paced the room. She desperately tried to make sense of her dreams but couldn't. The face of the man kept coming up every time she closed her eyes. His black thick eyebrows. His slightly wavy black hair and full lips. The bead of sweat on his temple as he thrusted into her. The sympathetic look on his face as he moved away and zipped up his black trousers. It's like they had a secret that they couldn't reveal to the woman in green dress. Why on Earth was she there?
June couldn't go back to sleep that night. She paced around the living room until dawn, deep in thoughts. Made breakfast, thinking about the whole situation in the dream. The women in red dresses, like her, seemed to be going through the same thing. They had their own assigned women in green dresses and their husbands. They all went through this repetitive ceremonial rape, and then got dressed and went grocery shopping together.
"What kind of a messed up place is this," June muttered under her breath as she set the table for her real-life family.
****
They drove Hannah to camp that Friday. The entire three hour drive back was silent. Tired of asking what was wrong, Luke stared at the road as they passed by small suburban towns. June remembered the time they couldn't get enough of each other. Talking all night long. Laughing. Finishing each other's sentences. Felt like it was a century ago. She didn't tell him about the dreams. She felt ashamed, although couldn't quite understand or formulate why. Perhaps, because sometimes the dreams were just about the man with the dark eyes and every time she woke up sweaty and shamefully aroused. They hadn't made love with Luke in months. Was that the reason? Did she simply need some action? But why this strange man, not someone else. Some celebrity she had a crush on.
Next time she dreamt of him they are in the studio apartment again. Alone. She initiated it, took her clothes off in front of him. Took his clothes off. Kisses him. They made love on the same bed as before, but it was completely different. She woke up from the strongest orgasm she has had in months. Or years. This one even actually woke up Luke. Confused, he thought she had a nightmare and tried to console her. She gasped for air, clenching her thighs together, feeling how wet the sheet and her nightgown was under her. Luke went out to get some water from the kitchen. "Calm down", she thought. "You can't let him know what just happened." Cold water helps. They went back to sleep eventually, but it took her a while. She saw the face of that man every time she closed her eyes. The dream was so real, she could almost smell him in her bedroom. Could Luke feel it too? June looked over at her husband, snoring peacefully on the other side of the bed. No way.
****
They had coffee with Moira the next day. She couldn't take it anymore, she had to tell someone.
"So I've been having these dreams," she started.
"Sexy dreams?" Moira smirked, lifting her coffee cup off the table. Gosh, why does everyone ask this right away?
"Kinda," June hesitated. "It's like we live in this weird world, where women get raped all the time".
"No kidding," Moira chuckled bitterly.
"No, not that way," June paused. "I mean... that way too, but it's like a different society. They make it like a... a ceremony. And there's also... this guy," she trailed off, unsure how to continue.
"Ok now we're talking," her friend seemed intrigued, watching her face closely. "Who's the guy?"
"He's..." June didn't even notice how she smiled, staring at her coffee cup, the beverage still untouched. But Moira noticed.
"What? Is he the rapist?" she nudged, puzzled.
"Oh, no, no!" June leaned forward to her friend and after a brief hesitation, whispered loudly, "Moira, I had the most intense orgasm last night. I don't know what is happening to me." She clasped her hand to her mouth, eyes wide.
"Woohoo" Moira cheered. "That good? Is it someone you know?"
"No! At least, I don't think so. I've been having these dreams for a while now, but he was always kid of... on the background. Until lately," she looked around their table at the cafe, making sure no one was listening. "I don't know why am I even dreaming this?"
"Why the hell not? The fact that you're married doesn't mean you can't dream about sex with other men!" Moira offered.
"I guess. It just feels so real. Like I am glancing into some kind of parallel reality. I can smell things, touch things. I can actually remember the texture of his hair when I ran my fingers through it in the dream! Do you usually remember such details?"
"No usually, no..." Moira answered thoughtfully. "My dreams are usually very hazey. Or I don't remember them at all," she shrugged.
They sipped their coffees in silence for a while.
"Listen, dreams are weird. Just enjoy it if you can. Or at least, the pleasant parts," Moira suggested.
June smiled wistfully. She wished she could enjoy the good parts without feeling so weird and guilty.
****
She didn't remember any dreams for the next few days. Her days became a bit empty without Hannah to take care of and spend time with. They talked on the phone once, everything seemed fine with their little Banana. But she missed her daughter desperately. Luke was busy at work and she started bringing work home, too. She went out with Moira and a few other friends for drinks on Friday and spent a lazy Saturday morning in bed with a book and a cup of tea - something she hasn't done in a while. The book wasn't any good, so she made a mental note to drop by to her favourite used bookstore on her way home from running errants today.
But she didn't make it to the bookstore. Or, she only made it to the window and looked at some of the books displayed there. But then she saw a guy inside. At first, she didn't recognize him. He was staring at the back cover of a history book, deep in thought, his thick eyebrows furrowed. And then it hit her. It was him! The guy from the dream!
She turned away from the window and exhaled loudly. Her heart was beating so fast. There's no way it's him. She must be mistaken. Just a guy who looks alike. How accurately does she even remember him, it was just a dream!
She peaked back through the window, but he was gone. Slightly disappointed, she looked around and saw him walking out the door a few meters away from her. He was holding the book in his hand, white receipt peeking out of the cover. Dressed in black jeans and dark navy button-down shirt, sleeves rolled up exposing his arms. He is even dressed just like in the dream. How weird. June bit her lower lip, curious. Should she follow him? Can she? But why? To see where he goes?
She didn't move though, but continued to watch him walk away. He turned the corner a few blocks away and disappeared from her sight faster than she hoped.
There's no way it's him, she thought on her way home. She totally forgot why she went to the bookstore in the first place.