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He stood between the masses of screaming people of all ages, colours and genders. The euphoric chanting began even before Taehyung opened his eyes on the stage in front of him.
Luckily said man took all the attention of the arena captive and no one even spared him a second glance. He had taken precautions of course, but one could never be too safe in this line of work.
A long, black wig and a light coat covered his back side while dark sunglasses and a face mask prevented people from recognizing his face.
Jeongguk didn't need to be here, between all these lights and shouts. He could have just watched Taehyungs performance from behind the stage on one of the many monitors. Or later at night, probably already uploaded to YouTube. He could've also asked one of the staff to film it for him (for research purposes) and send it to him after the show.
But here he was anyways.
Sejin hadn't been in love with the idea of Jeongguk disguising himself as an Army and merching into the crowd, even if it was only for one song.
But he also didn't posess the ability to deny Jeongguk anything, when he had set his mind on something.
So he let him go, without questioning his motives. Sejin had learned quickly after meeting Jeongguk, that the boy didn't openly spill out his emotions for people to understand.
Unlike Taehyung, who wore his heart on his sleeve and seemingly left a piece of it with every single person, that he adored. Jeongguk knew that he himself probably owned the biggest piece.
And he would lie if he said that didn't make him at least a little proud.
Taehyung might wear his heart on his sleeve, but being adored by him, really adored, still took a lot more than just some kind words and a nice gesture here and there. And once one made it there, Taehyung made sure to show his adoration with every glance, every touch and every word possible.
Jeongguk had seen that from the very start.
Hell, all of Army could see it as well. That was one of the main reasons he was so precious to them.
Jeongguk looked to his right and smiled under his mask.
There stood a girl with an older man, probably her father and both were singing along passionately with Taehyung.
On his left were two girls holding hands tightly and quietly shedding some tears to the melancholic melody of "Singularity".
Jeongguk himself realized he had to hold back some stinging in his eyes. Blinking a couple times he looked back up at the stage and was met with a fierce stare from Taehyung, now a lot closer than before.
His heart jumped at the second of eye contact. Blood was rushing to his cheeks and he shifted his weight from one foot to the other a few times.
What was that?
He had seen the practice for "Singularity" over a million times. Heck, he had seen Taehyung dance to way more suggestive choreographies before. And often times had he been the recipient of Taehyungs famous dance faces and expressions. His pulse had sped up here and there before but he contributed that to the fact, that he himself had been dancing non-stop before or while watching Tae's practices. Sometimes Tae had asked him to watch over his steps to perfect his moves but then Jeongguk had looked at him from a teachers point of view.
This was different.
Maybe it was the mood around him that wouldn't let him think straight. Or the fact that he was standing right next to a massive speaker and Taehyungs silky voice was blasted through his ears right to his brain. But for some reason Jeongguks heart wouldn't stop beating at an erratic speed. So much so that he thought about going backstage earlier because maybe this was a sign that he had overworked himself and was about to faint?!
But other than his heart, no muscle was willing to move. His eyes were transfixed on Taehyung swiftly moving to the beat and his silhouette wouldn't let him go.
Jeongguk hadn't realized that the song was over until one of the security guards tapped him on his shoulder and motioned for him to hurry backstage. Trying his best to not attract attention, he sheepishly shuffled back through the masses and once behind the stage immediately ripped of his disguise.
After handing it to a stylist, who had also learned not to ask questions, he made his way to the prep room to let someone touch up his make-up.
For the rest of the evening he tried not to let his thoughts get the best of him and spirale towards some breakdown over something he didn't understand just yet. Therefore he tried to ignore Taehyungs presence as much as possible for the rest of their performances.
Jeongguk thought he had been very sly about it. Avoiding gazes or touches smoothly and seemingly totally caught up in dancing. At least that's what it looked like in his mind.
But as he was done changing and waited outside their backstage rooms for the cars to arrive, Yoongi quietly walked over and stood next to him. They made eye contact and Jeongguk instantly knew that he didn't hide his confusion as well as he had originally thought. Still, Yoongi didn't say a word though. That was until Jeongguk heavily sighed and was gently nudged in the ribs afterwards.
„What?”, his tone was a lot sharper than he had anticipated, so he tried to nudge Yoongi back playfully.
„OW! What the fuck?! What was that for, Jeongguk?!”, Yoongi half-said, half-coughed from the impact Jeongguks elbow had left.
„Ah, sorry, hyung...I – I'm just still stressed out I guess...”
What the fuck are you stuttering for, Jeongguk? Get it together!
His inner voice was screaming at him to just shut up. But as always Yoongi seemed to also hear his inner voice and nudged him again, just a little harder than before.
„What's up, kiddo? You've been spacing out for the last half of the concert. If you were stressed, you would've already beaten yourself up for missing half the steps the last twenty minutes.”
„Wha – I did?!”
„No big deal, what's on your mind, that's got you occupied that much though?”, Yoongi got straight to the point.
He always did.
Jeongguk liked that about him and maybe for that exact reason that particular hyung had become his cofidant in most things regarding “feelings”. Even if Yoongi didn't like talking about his own feelings, he was pretty damn good with finding the right words for them for others. Others like Jeongguk, who stumbled over his words even in his thoughts.
„Ah, I – “, he sighed once more, “I don't know, hyung. I – you – have you ever...um...have you ever looked at someone and...er...I don't know...seen them completely d – different than before?”
You're stuttering again inner Jeongguk reminded him once more.
„Hmm?”, Yoongi looked at him intrigued, “different how?”
„No, no, not really seen different. More like...felt...different looking at them?”, he lowered his head because he was pretty sure that his cheeks were glowing bright red, they could've been used as lights to land an airplane safely by now.
„Sure have”, his hyung answered him simply.
Jeongguk snapped his head back up so hard, he hit the wall behind him.
„Ow...um...you have? Can I – who with?” his usual not-prying towards Yoongi was replaced with blatant nosiness. Yoongi chuckled.
„My ex”, Jeongguk choked a little on his own spit, “that's why we started dating. Well and also why we broke up.”
„So...you started feeling...uh...”
„Love?”, Yoongi suggested. Jeongguk choked again, a little harder this time.
„Feeling different towards someone doesn't necessarily mean that though. We broke up because our feelings changed as well. We became kind of...indifferent towards the relationship, you know?”
Jeongguk shook his head.
„Ah, well, we didn't care if we were together or not. We weren't happier when the other was there and not sadder when they weren't.
Are you feeling that kind of thing?”, Yoongi asked cautiously.
„NO! No, not at all. If anything I'm even happier when I see h – em. Them!”, he cleared his throat, “or not happier but...excited maybe?”
„Sounds like love to me, kid”, Yoongi chuckled, “or at least some kind of interest. Nothing wrong with that.”
„But I'm not interested in T – this person! ...I think...”
Yoongi just snorted and nudged him in his ribs again lightly. Before Jeongguks head could start spinning even more the other five men finally appeared and they started walking towards the cars.
______________________________________________________
As it just so happened, Jeongguk ended up sharing a car with Taehyung. When he tried to get into the car that Yoongi already sat in, said hyung had shooed him away.
„This seat is reserved for Jiminie and Jiminie only”, he had declared. And to top it all off, a laughing Jimin had pushed him towards the last car whose passenger he hadn't seen at the time.
He really should've expected it though. As he climbed into the car Taehyung gave him one of his warm boxy smiles.
If Jeongguk had decided to ignore Taehyung as much as he possibly could, that decision was out the window now.
And if his stone – cold expression, that he made to cover up the emotional tornado inside his brain softened at that smile, he was fine with it.
And if he admitted to himself that his heart melted a little just now, no one else needed to know.
„Don't you look blissfull, Guk”, Tae giggled.
Well...maybe the whole world could see his heart melting regardless of Jeongguk wanting them to know.
„I'm just happy to get back to the hotel. 'M tired”, he mumbled and tried to hide his face under his hood. Surprisingly Taehyung let him be after that announcement and just nodded. He put on some quiet lofi playlist and stared out the window as they drove through shining lights and busy streets. Usually Tae would at least try to get some information out of Jeongguk, if he seemed closed off.
But not this time.
Jeongguk sneaked some glances at Tae but his hyung seemed lost in thought while admiring the view of the buzzing city. Jeongguk found himself not being able to stop admiring the view of Taehyung post – concert in his sweats and make – up wiped off.
The way his features would light up under the green and red lights from outside. His almond shaped dark eyes that seemed to contain the universe at times and looked so lost at others. The way he wrung his hands together while mulling something over in his head. The way his tan skin was glowing. The way his stare did things to Jeongguk that he couldn't quite put his finger on yet.
It could be very intimidating. Most of Army had felt that before and Jeongguk himself remembered the first few times he had seen Tae on stage. Maybe intimidated was the wrong word.
More like “in awe”. But more often Taes stare seemed extremely warm and full of affection. Just like it did right now.
Wait a sec –
„You're staring”, Taehyung noted.
„I – I...uh'm not...”, Jeongguk stuttered while trying to avert his gaze but failing miserably. Taehyungs eyes seemed to have glued his to the infinite wonders they contained.
„Okay, yeah, maybe I am. So what?”, he finally opted to say and was oddly proud of himself for speaking without stumbling over his words.
„Nothing...”, Taehyung seemed unsure about his next words but chose to continue nevertheless, even if a little hesitant:
„You just didn't look at me before...I mean...during the performance. I was wondering if I did something to make you mad or –“
„NO!”, Jeongguk exclaimed so loud that Taehyung actually jumped a little from his seat.
„Sorry...but you didn't – I mean you could never really – what I'm trying to say is I...”, he sighed. Explaining his reasons for ignoring Taehyung to Taehyung when he himself wasn't even so sure of it was more complicated than he had anticipated.
Suddenly there was a big hand over his. He hadn't even noticed that he had started to pick the skin around his nails. Taehyung rubbed his thumb over the spots.
„It's fine, Guk. As long as I know that we're good, it's fine.”
Jeongguk swallowed audibly because the intensity of Taehyungs eyes was almost at the level of his “Singularity” performance at the moment.
„We – we're good”, he simply stated and was finally able to look away when Taehyungs eyes disappeared into crescent moons with his boxy smile.
„Good”, he giggled and Jeongguks heart felt a thousand times lighter.
Maybe he didn't need to figure this out right now. If he could feel this light around Taehyung then there certainly wasn't a need to make it heavier by talking about something he didn't understand himself. He found Taes eyes once again and felt himself beginngin to grin like an idiot.
„Do you wanna come to my room later?”, Jeongguk startled himself with that question.
Why do you have to go and ruin every good moment you have, Jeon Jeongguk?!
„I mean to play a game or watch a movie...or something...”, he finished while his voice got smaller and smaller. He didn't dare look up even though this wasn't an abnormal occurence. They visited each others hotel rooms all the time. They did however rarely invite each other over. It just happened when one of the seven of them was in the mood for company.
„Sure”, Tae agreed and then, a little quieter added:
“I'd love to.”
Jeongguks head snapped up and he could swear there was a faint blush on Taehyungs face but it was gone as soon as he noticed it and maybe he had imagined things.
Maybe he did need to sort this out right now after all.
______________________________________________________
Back in the hotel Jeongguk took the coldest shower he had in years and then tried to scroll through their twitter feed. But he soon became restless and started pacing around his room.
Yoongis words kept lingering in his mind.
“Sounds like love to me, kid.”
Was it though? Could I possibly be...in love?
He knew that his level of admiration for Taehyung has always been higher than that of any other person. Tae has never been his role model but more like his guidance.
Before he had met Taehyung as a trainee, he had felt so very lost. Age thirteen, alone in Seoul, knowing absolutely no one and also being a very introverted teen going through puberty had not been the easiest period of his life.
He desperately wanted to talk to the other trainees and make friends but the fear of being called too young or too dumb or not fun was holding him back. And it was killing him. Being introverted with a very extroverted mind was like having a split personality and both sides were constantly battling for dominance inside his head.
Which also resulted in him not sleeping very much. That combined with his home sickness made him have tons of nightmares when he went to bed, so he tried to just stay awake.
And then came Taehyung.
Taehyung, who took pride in his youthfullness and wasn't afraid of being called an air – head and who most definitely knew how to have fun.
More importantly how to bring the fun out of Jeongguk. Being around him made Jeongguk more confident in himself and therefore more comfortable around the others.
And when they started telling them that they were practically the same person, he didn't take offense at all. He was glad.
And even if his connection with the other members grew so much until they debuted and he would call them his family, Taehyung had a place in his heart that no one else could ever reach.
He always has and he always will.
Holy shit. I am in love.
There was a knock on the door and Jeongguk jumped.
His heart started hammering just as loud as the knocking on his door and he didn't know what to do.
It's been years since his trainee days but suddenly he felt like thirteen again and with that also very lost once more.
But a voice ripped him from his thoughts.
„Guk? Are you there?”
Ironically enough the voice made Jeongguk feel more grounded even if the owner of that voice was the very reason for his emotions taking a rollercoaster through his brain.
„Just a second!”, he replied and looked at himself through the mirror in the entrance space.
He took a deep breath in and then out while staring at his reflection intensely.
This wasn't a new thing he realized. He didn't suddenly feel a new emotion. This had always been there, he just had an epiphany. And it didn't need to change anything between him and Taehyung. Did it?
He opened the door.
______________________________________________________
„So...what do you wanna watch?”, Jeongguk asked once they both had settled on the spacious bed.
There had been some silence between them for a few minutes now and he couldn't bear it.
Not with his new found epiphany that he was indeed helplessly, fully and irreversibly in love with Taehyung.
„I dunno. Didn't you have something in mind? You were the one who graciously decided to invite me over after all”, Tae smirked and poked Jeongguks side.
He slapped Taes hand away and giggled. Only because he was ticklish of course.
Who are you kidding Jeongguk?! Inner Jeongguk annoyed him once more.
„Nope. Just wanted to hang out with you”, he admitted and once the words left his lips he almost regretted them.
Almost.
„Yeah? Well...good. I wanted to hang out with you, too...”, Tae answered while he slumped down into the pillows and looked up at Jeongguk through his long eye – lashes.
He cleared his throat and took another deep breath in and out once he had another epiphany.
This would change things between them.
He could try and deny it but in this moment he was sure that there was no going back to their old days. Maybe that was a bad thing. Maybe a good thing? Who knew. But things would most definitely change.
He opened Netflix on his laptop and scrolled through the choices. He pointed out some to Taehyung but his hyung would consider it for a minute and then shake his head.
„Ah wait! Scroll back up! How about that one...”
Tae was pointing at a film that Jeongguk had for some reason avoided watching.
Call me by your name.
„Or do you not want to? We can watch another one!”, Tae was quick to add when he studied Jeongguks change in expression.
Be brave Jeon Jeongguk! Be fucking brave!
„No, this is fine. I've been curious about it anyways, so let's watch it”, he mumbled and pressed play.
He didn't notice Taes stare until maybe fifteen minutes into the film and when he did he paused it.
„You're staring”, he declared and couldn't hide his little smile, being glad to get back at Taehyung for earlier.
Taehyung however didn't hold eye – contact and quickly looked back at the screen.
„Yeah I – well I...you said...why did you – ah, forget it...”, Taehyung said and pushed his hair back sighing.
Jeongguk was intrigued.
„No, tell me. What is it?”, he poked Taes side now.
„It's stupid really”, Tae sighed once more, now sitting up.
„I'm sure it's not. I won't think it is. Tell me...please?”, Jeongguk pleaded and slightly pulled on the end of Taes sweatshirt.
„I – okay, y – you said...you were curious about...the film, yeah? W – Why's that?”
Taehyungs eyes were still glued to the screen and he himself was fiddling with the end of his sweatshirt. When Jeongguk didn't reply right away, he glanced at his face for a second and immediately turned away when he realized Jeongguk was staring at him, mouth slightly open.
„Forget it, told you it was stupid. Stupid question really. I mean of course you can be curious about a movie right? So what if it's not the usual type we watch right? We can watch new genres whatever, I certainly don't mind. If it was up to me we could watch –“
„Tae”, Jeongguk interrupted his rambling.
„Uh...yeah. We can continue, you really don't have to answer. Don't worry about it really. I was just asking –“
„Taehyung.”
The rambling stopped and Tae turned his head to finally look at Jeongguk for longer than a split second to find his eyes still fixated on his face.
Well it's now or never isn't it...
„It's not stupid. And also I –“, now it was Jeongguks turn to sigh.
„I avoided watching it for a while now. I was probably scared of...I don't know...the feeling it would...uh...trigger? Ugh, I'm not good at explaining things, you know that...”
„Why...why watch it now then?”, Taehyung asked in a very small voice. Smaller than usual. In general Taehyung looked a lot smaller at the moment.
„I guess...I'm not scared anymore? Well, that's a lie. But I'm kind of...prepared, I guess? Like I know what's coming. I didn't just have an epiphany for nothing”, Jeongguk chuckled.
„And what's that?”
Jeongguk looked at Taehyung who was now almost completely curled in on himself. Knees pulled to his chin, arms around his legs and head held low. Maybe he wasn't the only one feeling lost. It might be wishful thinking but his gut told him so. And he had always thought that he and Tae did not only share the same brain cell but also the same heart.
So if his heart was egging him on, then it had to be the right thing to do.
„I –“
„I love you!”, Taehyung suddenly exclaimed.
„I – wait what?!”
„I love you, Guk. I'm in love with you. I have been for a while now and I know this could change everything and – oh god, ruin our friendship and – and Bangtan and so much more but I'm so in love with you and I can't seem to fall out of it.”
In the middle of talking Tae had started crying and was now rubbing a sweater paw over his eyes and nose again and again.
Jeongguk thought he would've been baffled longer but seeing the tears streaming down Taehyungs face with no intention of stopping, something inside him snapped.
He gently removed Taes sweater from his face and replaced it with his hands, cupping his face.
„Tae...nothing will change”, he almost whispered and after realizing the hurt in Taehyungs eyes, rested his forehead on his hyungs.
„Meaning a lot will change but nothing about me loving you will. Ugh, I know I'm explaning this totally wrong...you just have to know that – that I'm the same.”
Taehyung put enough distance between them to read Jeongguks expression and then slowly, almost carefully put his hands on the maknaes cheek as well.
„Are you saying what I think you're saying, Jeon Jeongguk?”
„If you're saying that you're actually in love with me and want to hold hands now and kiss me and bring me home to your family as your lover then yes. I am.”
Both of them chuckled at that. And following his gut once more, Jeongguk leaned back into Taes space and stroked a few remaining tears from the corner of his eyes with his thumbs. He hesitated when he could feel Taes breath on his face and looked for confirmation in his dark eyes that could've never seemed more sure.
But of course Taehyung beat him to it and surged forward, hands around Jeongguks neck and crashing on top of him but putting his lips on Jeongguks ever so gently.
When they pulled apart after some minutes Jeongguk felt himself radiate like the sun.
His face was on fire but he didn't want to hide it. More than that, he wanted to open the curtains and windows and scream at the top of his lungs that Kim Taehyung was the love of his life and he would never ever let him go.
„What exactly did you mean by me taking you home to my family as my lover by the way?”, Tae asked and stroked some hairs from Jeongguks forehead, tucking them behind his ear.
„Well, I meant you taking me home and then telling your whole home town that you're taken forever now and they should stop asking you about your hwarang hyungs!”, Jeongguk finished by poking out his tongue.
„Taken forever, huh?”, Tae teased him.
„You sure are now.”
„Was that an indirect marriage proposal?”
„If you want it to be.”
Taehyung gave Jeongguk the brightest boxy smile that he had ever seen and it suddenly hit him. Now the tears started welling up in his eyes but before they could fall, Taehyung had brushed them away.
„I'm so in love with you as well, you know that?”
„I know now”, Taehyung answered and pecked him on the lips causing both of them to break out into a blinding smile.
„So about that proposal...”